Convergence: The Flash #2

Out of 22 Convergence two issue sets so far, I've only picked up three where both covers had the Chip Kidd Variant. All these mismatched covers are probably hurting my collection! I should sue my Local Comic Book Shop!

Last issue ended with Barry Allen running into Tangent Universe Superman. Normally I'd suggest that they run a foot race to decide the winner of this contest but since it was determined in DC Comics Presents #1 that they're equally as fast (unless the ending was actually more ambiguous than I remember), and since Tangent Universe Superman is a magic being, I'm going to suggest something completely wild for their competition: card tricks! Think about it! Magic Superman should know loads of card tricks because he's, you know, magic! And what is magic except legerdemain? And legerdemain means "having fast hands" or something. Which is totally in Barry's wheelhouse!

Now I have to ask Lord Google what a wheelhouse is and what it has to do with a person's talents! Oh! It has to do with steamboat captains hitting home runs! Now I get it!

Stop running your mouths and pick a card already!

This issue is called "Race to the Finish" because it is a comic book about The Flash. What else could Dan Abnett have called it? "Hanging Out With Mr. Allen"?

By page four, the only running pun is the title of the story. And Tangent Superman has simply talked the entire time while Barry keeps responding, "So, like, we're supposed to fight or something?" Tangent Superman gains my estimable esteem by pointing out how nonsensical the original Star Trek episodes were. You might think he just means the ones where advanced beings make lesser beings battle but those are actually the ones that make the most sense! What's better than watching two roosters claw each other to death, amirite?! When is the last time any of you watched the original Star Trek and weren't twelve years old? Especially the episodes written by Roddenberry. I wonder why nobody ever explained to Roddenberry that an analogy was a way of telling one story by telling a different story that has no seeming similarities to the story the writer actually wants to tell? I think Roddenberry just thought an analogy was telling a story about 1960s human civilization but in space with aliens that looked just like humans and were dealing with the exact same thing with which 1960s humans were dealing.

It's a good thing that fact is simple because those are the only facts Barry can understand! Zoom! I mean Zing!

If Tangent Superman were as smart as he's saying he is, he'd realize that he's not convincing Barry to fight him at all! He's just giving Barry something to prove. I don't care how smart and magical Tangent Superman might be. The Flash can travel through time! The Flash can run at the speed of light! The Flash can vibrate his molecules until I can think up a joke for this third sentence because that's how comedy works! Tangent Superman has already lost this battle.

Now I want to see a fight between Midnighter and The Flash. Can Midnighter predict everything The Flash is going to do when The Flash can do five million things before Midnighter can even finish predicting The Flash's second move?

They're ramping up to the card trick face-off! Tangent Superman is so smart I bet he's dumb in whimsy! So Barry will win by challenging him to Fifty-two Card Pick-up!

So far this has been eight pages of these two guys just talking on the roof of a hotel and it's been one of the best issues of Convergence yet! Finally some thinkers working through the problem without worrying about some kind of time limit. I guess Barry never has to worry about time limits, and Tangent Superman figures he's already won. All those other super heroes panic too easily and figure they need to throw the first punch or they might lose.

And then on page nine, Barry throws the first punch. I spoke too soon! Coward! (It's still the best Convergence match-up so far!)

The Flash and Tangent Superman punch each other for a few fairly silent pages and it's enjoyable. I'm actually enjoying a fight sequence! I think because it was set up so nicely with the talking and the speaking and The Flash's inferiority complex. Eventually Tangent Superman uses his powers to stop The Flash's synapses from firing which if you're into biology means that The Flash loses. I guess. What's a synapse?! Wasn't that a tech company in the eighties out of Silicon Valley? How does keeping them from making employees redundant stop The Flash in his tracks?! It must have to do with time travel.

The Flash admits (under duress though!) that Tangent Superman outclasses him. Once Tangent Superman drops the synapse block, The Flash tries to surrender but Tangent Superman wisely stops him. I love that Tangent Superman is supposed to be hyper-intelligent and he actually acts like it! This is the part where I give Dan Abnett a rimjob for actually writing characters well. A figurative rimjob!

Tangent Superman realizes that while everybody on Planet Brainiac is divorced from their timeline, Barry is "disconnected from all multiversal timelines." That's because the asshole created them all in that Tale of Two Flashes comic book! Jerko!

This page gave me goosebumps.

After realizing that Barry is needed in the battle against the Anti-Monitor or else all the multiverses will die (including Marvel's, probably!), Tangent Superman yields and allows The Flash to win. To save DC Comics, he sacrifices the Tangent Universe because does anybody actually care about it? Just throw it in the trash alongside Jim Lee's Wildstorm! Don't worry, fans of those Earths! They still exist in The New 52 Multiverse somewhere! I think!

The issue ends with Barry saying something about not running from his destiny because of course it does! The Flash needs to go to a support group so he can stop dropping running analogies into every story he's in!

Convergence: The Flash #2 Rating: I really enjoyed this one because it had smart characters talking like they're smart! I mean one smart character and Barry! Zip! I mean zing! I give it 9.5 Cosmic Treadmills out of 10! This comic ran circles around the other Convergence comics!

Divergence: New Suicide Squad
"An unstable, violent group has broken away from the League of Assassins and only the World's Greatest Villains stand a chance of stopping them!"

Oh boy! A Suicide Squad composed of the World's Greatest Villains instead of the usual C-Listers that make the group more interesting! Here we go again with Sean Ryan at the helm filling the Squad with ringers that we all know won't die! I think this comic book title needs a new title! How about World's Greatest Villains Squad?

It's weird how little faith DC Comics has in a Suicide Squad built up around C-Listers. They're thinking too hard about this comic book. Maybe it will fail with C-Listers since you really do need an all-star writer to make that book interesting. And I suppose they can't risk this book failing with the movie on the horizon and all. It's got to be on the shelves when the movie makes it popular. And now it's going to have to be composed of at least a good number of the characters in the movie Squad so that when movie fans pick it up, they won't be disappointed by finding a Squad full of characters they've never heard of. And of course, Harley Quinn must remain on the team to ensure a certain level of sales, even if she absolutely does not belong in this group.

The team battles a Rocket Red and Captain Boomerang acts brave and defeats it by murdering some soldiers and stealing a tank. Then when Amanda gives him some Warm Fuzzies, he says, "Tank you." That took me a minute to get the joke because I thought Sean Ryan was just trying to make him sound Australian and failing. Then some government types (you know? The kind that are always interfering with Task Force X?) decide to start ending the program somehow. To find out how, purchase New Suicide Squad #9! On sale in June! Or just read my commentary on it. Probably ready for public viewing in August! I'm so far behind!