Midnighter #1

Midnighter is a sadist in the way Batman is supposed to not be one (although is often portrayed that way ignorantly and incorrectly and to the boners of many happy psychotic Batman fans who don't truly understand Batman and should probably be saving their boners for Midnighter).

I have to apologize to DC Comics. Because The Midnighter Sneak Peek took place in a Teen Rated Comic Book and not a Teen Plus Rated Comic Book, I assumed that DC Comics didn't feel threatened by homosexuality. Seeing as how this is a Teen Plus Comic Book, I'd like to say I admit to how wrong I was about that and I'm sincerely sorry for portraying DC Comics in a way antithetical to their beliefs. Midnighter is a gay man who loves sex and Teens who are not yet Plussed need to be protected from that lifestyle. Sorry I misspoke before gathering all of the information in Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2!

It's also possible that the Teen Plus rating is due to all the violent skull crushing Midnighter is about to revel in. This is probably going to be the anti-Grayson comic book. It's about a guy who isn't nice at all who believes the world needs less hugs and more severe beatings if it's ever going to get its act together.

The issue begins with somebody I don't know (because they're in shadow the entire time and the artist is trying to make it seem at least a little bit feasible that it's Midnighter) infiltrating The God Garden and throwing the old lady out into space so he can steal The Dragon's Gold. None of that means anything to me. Not the Dragon's Gold. Not the old lady. Not the God Garden. None of it. Sure, I remember some of those things from when they appeared in Grayson. But I have no idea how they fit into the overall Stormwatch/Authority mythos.

If I had to guess (which I don't have to but I'm going to anyway), I'd say that the person infiltrating The God Garden is Lucas Trent who, we'll find out, isn't the identity of Midnighter at all. We'll discover that Midnighter is probably a clone of this guy or something and that he's angry at Midnighter for stealing his destiny. Or something. I'm sure cloning will be involved somehow. And Nanobots!

The real Midnighter is currently on a gay date. No, I didn't have to preface date with "gay" but this is a facetious site that uses disgusting lowbrow humor to make my dick jokes look classy. I think it's important that I establish as early as possible that Midnighter is gay. And violent. And mostly a pretty big asshole who doesn't care about justice so much as punching people in the throat. He may also be less sexually aroused by men than he is by breaking bones.

Hey date guy! Superman keeps his identity secret to protect the people around him! Midnighter obviously doesn't care about the people around him. You're fucked.

Some Modoran freedom fighters warp in and begin murdering everybody with their own rage by using Butcher Blasters. I have no idea what I just typed. But don't worry! They spout even more profound nonsense about how America is nothing but rage and hate and how their country of Modora is full of fascist caramel goodness with knowledge of all of the correct ways to be. Or something. It's more stuff I don't really understand. But that's okay because Midnighter is easy to understand! He's probably going to kill them all because they ruined his dinner! I may not be able to understand the intricacies of international relations resulting in events labeled by one side terrorism and by the other revolution, but I can understand getting pissed off that somebody knocked over your vichyssoise.

Okay, I lied. I don't even know what vichyssoise is or if it can even be knocked over.

Midnighter spends the next few pages killing all of the Modorans.

Yes. Awesome. I'm sure it's not horrible at all seeing five or six people's heads explode all over the room if they happen to be the bad guys.

Don't get me wrong! I'd be exhilarated to find myself still alive after a bunch of terrorists threatened to take my life. I'm just not sure I'd be lying in my beshitted pantaloons saying, "Awesome." I'd probably be weeping. It's possible later, after a few months of therapy, I'd use "awesome" when telling the story. But I'd also probably believe the guy who saved me was Batman.

Later Midnighter has some fish and chips at a bar where we learn that he and Apollo are taking a break. Remember how superheroes in the DCyou can't have stable relationships? So now it's just night after night of sex with an endless wave of hot young men for poor old Midnighter. Stupid rules at DC Comics forcing Midnighter to have multiple brief life-affirming affairs instead of one long endless fuck into the grave. Jerks!

After eating, Midnighter picks on some guys playing pool for no reason at all.

I like the line and the scene but what did they do?! It was the guys at the bar who moved away from him when he began talking about his lack of relationship with Apollo! Granted, I don't have Midnighter's senses. These guys could have been talking shit! But not super horrible shit because they're still alive. Probably just the garden variety shit that your (not my!) grandparents talk.

Being that this is America, I don't think the previous fight in the restaurant earned the Teen Plus Rating of this comic book. I mean, violence is kid friendly, right? We've seen enough proof in DC Comics that DC doesn't give a shit about violence in their ratings. Some of the most violent scenes in The New 52 happened in Batwing and Batman and Robin but those were never rated higher than Teen. So if this is going to earn a Teen Plus Rating, it needs way more than Midnighter shoving his fist into an open mouth!

Oh yeah. DC knows which orifice the fist goes into to earn a Teen Plus Rating!

My scanner is homophobic. It took two tries to scan that image.

This is the last time I bring up the ratings on the cover (probably). I'm not trying to start trouble with DC Comics just to start trouble. I'm positive they're not homophobic. If I just wanted to start trouble, I would have believed that Batwoman couldn't get married because it was gay marriage as opposed to believing that DC Comics just doesn't want heroes in stable, loving relationships. But I think DC is kowtowing to a certain segment of the population by rating their comic books in a way that obviously sees sexuality between same sex couples and women who have multiple sexual partners as being more cause for concern than decapitations. Midnighter is obviously a violent book so DC Comics is right to rate this Teen Plus. But judging by their past use of the label, I have to question if the violence is the real reason for the rating. People might think it's nonsense but I think it's somewhat harmful to portray gay sex or woman who enjoy sex as more adult than violence or men who enjoy sex. Men can have all the sex they want (with women!) in their own self-titled comic books and it'll never earn a Teen Plus rating. So why is Catwoman a Teen Plus book? Well, here's the reason: DC is trying to avoid angry parents with antiquated belief systems. You know, like those dinosaurs Midnighter mentioned earlier. The ratings on these books mean absolutely nothing but they're there so DC can point to them if angry parents see their kid reading something they don't think their kids should know about (even though they already do). I say it's time for DC to not give a shit anymore. Teen or Teen Plus...what's the difference? The only difference is that you're displaying a certain amount of bigotry and prejudice by placing your comic books under one of the two labels. Stop letting ignorance control you, DC! Although, seriously (and this is why I'm done talking about it), who fucking cares about your ratings? Nobody fucking cares about your ratings. Nobody.

Except me apparently. And possibly DC's lawyers.

Midnighter injects a one-way radio chip into the neck of his 378th lover. It's so this guy, Jason, can contact Midnighter if he ever sees anything that could use a little Midnight help. Jason thinks it's just a Booty Call Device.

This explains some of that stuff I didn't know about.

Midnighter gets a call from The Gardener and has to leave. Does that mean she's one of his 378 lovers implanted with a Booty Call Device? She needs Midnighter to stop the person who raided The God Garden. Midnighter isn't sure why he should help her until she mentions that she kept a Secret Origin File on Midnighter and his past after she created him. That fits right into my belief that the thief is intimately connected to Midnighter! Not that kind of intimately, pervert!

Midnighter #1 Rating: 8.5 Cracked Skulls out of 10. I guess I'm into this story and ready to see where it goes. At least DC Comics is allowing a gay male character to actually have sex. That's something you never really see in mainstream comics. Sure, you can have lesbians kissing and fondling and going at it because that caters in a pervy way to the male gaze. But two men tearing their clothes off and enjoying a good old toad in the hole? So rare!