Convergence: Detective Comics #2

Who doesn't give a shit about Convergence comics and has some thumbs?!

I think I might have to put the rest of the Convergence books on the back burner so that I can catch back up to the regular books which are the ones I want to read. I'll figure something out, I guess. Like maybe barely writing anything about the next seven Convergence titles so I can get back to a point where I have at least a little bit of interest in the comic books I'm reading. Convergence was a long drawn out boring way for DC Comics to retcon Crisis On Infinite Earths into not having happened. They could have just stapled a memo into one of the New 52 books saying, "You know that universe that we abandoned in September of 2011? Remember how you thought, 'Oh! The New 52 is a whole new universe which I don't like but at least I can continue to hope that the old universe that I love will eventually come back!'? Well, stop remembering that! Because your old universe is completely different now! We at DC Comics decided that Crisis on Infinite Earths ended differently! All of the worlds were saved and everything that happened after Issue #12 of Crisis never, ever happened ever in the history of everything ever! So if you're still hoping that universe comes back, HOO BOY are you in for a SUR-PRISE! It's totally different, dumb dumbs! Ha ha! In your face, idiots! This is what you get when you ignore the simple fact that the stories you've read which affected you intensely continue to matter no matter how much stupid bullshit a comic book company puts out about those stories not mattering in the slightest. Here's something else DC Comics figures we should tell you! Remember the eighteen years you spent with a mother and father who loved and adored you before they helped you off to college and into the real world?! They actually hated you! And they laughed at you constantly! And they used your little baby flesh in Satanic Rituals in the basement! And since DC Comics said it, that's the way it is! Enjoy Thanksgiving this year, idiots!"

Man! The spokesman for DC Comics is a rude jerk! I'm glad I'm not like him at all and am a super nice guy that writes wonderful stories that everybody loves to read (especially publishers! So if you're a publisher, send me a note about how you want to read all of my great stories and then publish them! Imagine how much money your company can make by publishing my terrific children's book line about "The Shark Who Saved The Holiday That Wasn't Specifically Christian Due To A Modern Secular Mindset Which Has Begun To Pervade This Once Great Country"? Or my Young Adult Triple Trilogy entitled, "Conform, You Artsy Fartsy Purple Haired Snowflake With Face Piercings And A Cool Looking Vape-Bong Who Is So Unique That You Can't Even!" Or what about my romance line of books, "Books That Do Your Husband's Job"? I'm also available to write the books based on the movies! Here's an excerpt from my novelization of Raiders of the Lost Ark: "Then this kind of South Americanish hybrid caricature says to Indiana Jones, "Throw me the idol! I throw you the whip!" And Harrison Ford is in a real bind and he looks like he's thinking, 'Well, I won't be rich but maybe I'll live if I give up the idol although this guy is a caricature of a Hispanic people which means he's probably sneaky and won't actually throw me the whip. But boy am I in a spot! I sure hope I live through this so I can become a pilot and settle down to live with a hot bag of bones in Colorado!'" That's good stuff, right publishers?!). Oh man! I just realized I'm 29 comics behind and I'm busy patting my laurels on the backside! I'm going to read the comic book now but don't forget to call me, publishers! Or send me a message or something! The name is Grunion Guy! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"!

You don't have to read the Narration Boxes. Just remember that on Earth-2, Capitalism kept everything fresh and juicy. But on Earth-Concrete-Blocks, Communism hurt everybody's feelings and made them all sad because they had dirty butts and no toilet paper.

Last issue, Helena Wayne thought blowing up a car on Superman would defeat him. Maybe she thought the extravagance of destroying a multi-million dollar vehicle would shock Communist Superman into a coma! Whatever she was attempting, it failed and she had to be saved by Communist Superman. That's the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a capitalist! You don't want some communist pulling you up by your own bootstraps! Just think what the other American urchins would think as they're struggling with their own bootstraps and then they see your bootstraps being fiddled with by a communist! They'd probably think, "Gor! Sumevody corl a poritishern! Wes has gots us a bloordy Red symfasizer!"

Hey Publishers! Did I mention how good I am at historical novels?! I've got a whole series on revolutions across history called, "Naked Ladies and Revolutions: A Look At History and Boobies! For Guys (and Lesbians) That Aren't All That Interested in History."

Communist Superman is all, "I just want to talk!" And Capitalist Huntress is all, "So you can turn us into Red Monsters! So you can steal away our dreams of becoming billionaire lottery winners?! I don't think so, Compadre!" And Capitalist Dick Grayson is all, "I think that would be 'Compadreski,' Huntress." And Capitalist Huntress is all, "Thanks for the Mansplanation, asshole!" And Communist Superman is all, "In communist Russia, mansplanations mansplain you!"

Before Capitalist Robin and Capitalist Huntress can be told a bunch of workable Communist lies that actually make sense in theory but seldom work out in practice (which is totally different somehow than Capitalist lies that actually make sense but seldom work out in practice), Communist Batman saves the day! Not that the day needed saving but you never can tell when some unsuspecting Capitalist is going to hear too much of the Communist side and become sympathetic to the Communist cause. It's better to not have Freedom of Speech then to have weak minded fools listening to things that they might actually find believable, interesting, and truthful.

Here's a truthful statement: people who don't believe in freedom of speech are dumb assholes.

This scene reminds me of the third in my Naked Ladies and Revolutions series: Farm Girls of the Ukraine And Russia's President's Day Revolution.

Communist Batman, a complete stranger to The Huntress, says, "I'm sure your dead father was proud of you." Huntress says, "Thank you." But that's only because she can't hear the Communist Sarcasm in his voice because what he really meant to say is, "Russian father of young girl who run around with boobs flip-flopping out of shirt would be complete opposite of proud!" But he'd only think that because he's Communist and in a Retro Golden Age Story. He doesn't know it's now wrong to judge women for their clothing. It's also stupid because who wants women to wear more clothing?! I guess gay guys and women who aren't as hot as the women wearing less clothing?

Communist Superman begins searching the city with his Supervision. But since Communist Batman lives in a lead lined house, Communist Superman can't find him. Communist Superman is also too stupid to think, "I can see the entire city except what's behind the walls of that house. But that's probably just a fluke."

Hey jerko! The fate of worlds hangs in the balance here! How about a little less vague and a lot more explicit!

Communist Superman catches up with The Huntress and Robin after Communist Batman disappears. Because Communist Batman didn't tell the kids to open the box and expose Communist Superman to the Kryptonite that is obviously in the box, they try to defeat Communist Superman with Batarangs and Crossbow Bolts. Spoiler: it doesn't work.

Worst Huntress ever written? That's a rhetorical question because it's obvious this is the worst Huntress ever written. Also, I don't want hundreds of responses from Tumblrites declaring that all New 52 Huntresses were the worst because they weren't Preboot Helena Bertinelli because I don't want to read nonsense. The New 52 Helena Wayne was a fantastic Huntress.

After Dick and Helena are nearly killed by Communist Superman (but aren't because he's merely trying to subdue them so that they can talk about this ridiculous Multiversal Thunderdome situation), Dick realizes it's time to open the box Communist Batman gave him. He probably should have known to open the box at the beginning of the fight. I'm surprised he even remembered the box after the severe concussion he just suffered having his head smashed into The Huntress's head. Although you know what would have been even better? If Communist Batman had said, "This rock I'm giving you will drain Superman of his powers so just open the box in his presence and you'll defeat him."

Dick opens the box and Superman writhes in pain and pleads for his life and only when he's about to die does Dick throw away the box and say, "You know what? Maybe we should talk this over with Communist Superman?" The Huntress freaks out because Robin threw away their chances of beating Communist Superman. Yeah, but he only threw yor chances about five feet behind him! Go pick up the stupid kryptonite if you need to win so badly, Helena!

Communist Superman and Robin shake hands and declare the duel a draw. Telos points out that the rules specifically state that working together and being kind to each other are flagrant violations and will be dealt with in a swift and meaningless manner. Then he leaves to participate in the end of the Convergence Weekly Series and completely forget all about his Multiversal Thunderdome project. I think Telos has ADD.

The issue ends with Huntress and Robin finding their way back to Earth-Two Gotham City. I guess it was stolen as well. I don't have a master list of all the cities that were taken by Brainiac but if I had to guess, I'd say that list contained every city ever written about in DC's history because why not?

Yeah! What was that about, Helena?! It must have been part of the plot though and not horrible writing on Len's part because why else would Len have you mention that Len wrote you so horribly?!

Convergence: Detective Comics #2 Rating: 4 Helena Bertinellis out of Ten. This was pretty much a crap story that should have been resolved with a bunch of talking just a few pages into the first issue. But Helena wasn't acting in character so the characters had to engage in a lot of useless fighting. I guess she was just so scared of the Red Menace that she couldn't help reacting the way she did. Totally understandable! Those Communists are monsters!

Divergence: The Flash
"Professor Zoom is back, and he's not alone! Who's along for the ride to kill the Fastest Man Alive?"

Fuck you, Professor Zoom! Enough with the ridiculous time travel bullshit, Van Jensen. And stop working with Brett Booth! I'm terrified of people whose legs are longer than they should be.

Professor Zoom has a whole gang of misfits at his side in his hunt to kill The Flash. Yay. More comic books where the hero isn't doing heroic stuff but reacting to villains trying to kill him. I'm not going to run out and pick up this book! Ha ha! One Speed Force Point to me!