Friday, June 26, 2015

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #18

Wonder Woman's sideburns are sexy.

The issue begins with Superman passed out in bed while Wonder Woman dotes on him. Somehow during the sex, his Superman shirt wound up on her because they did it wrong. That's not how you have sex, Superman! You're not supposed to trade clothing! You're supposed to take it all off and then orgasm prematurely at the thought of actually getting to touch a real, live naked lady! Then you fall asleep and the woman either curses or keeps her anger to herself, gets cold, puts on your shirt, and...oh! I guess Superman did do it correctly. Good job, Clark!

It's three in the morning and Clark's phone rings. Diana doesn't answer it but she notices it's a Smallville area code, so she wakes up Clark, hands him the phone, and bristles at the woman on the other end: fudgefudging fudger Lana fudging Lang. I bet Superman rushes off to help her which is okay, I guess, because Diana probably can't get any angrier than she is now. Blue balled, cold, lonely, ignored, and taken for granted! Why is she still dating this asshole? Especially since half the time, he's being written by Greg Pak. Gross!

Shadow boobs!

Wonder Woman offers to fly Superman to Smallville and on the way, Clark backseat drives the entire time. "Fly faster! You should have made a turn at that grove of trees! Watch out for the geese!" But Wonder Woman understands that she can't just fly a normal person at super speed without possibly damaging that person. Now if she had access to the Speed Force, I think Clark would be protected because Barry carries people around at super speed all the time and he doesn't arrive at their destination with armfuls of gore and viscera. But Superman doesn't care if he's hurt during the flight because he doesn't want to let Lana Lang down. She's in trouble and he wasn't able to save her parents and she never let him hear the end of it. So if she's hurt now, she'll berate him constantly. Although if he is hurt on the way, how is he going to help Lana? These are the kinds of foolish mistakes Superman has been making lately that have been getting him in a lot of trouble.

Wonder Woman doesn't go fast enough so Lana and Steel are gone by the time they get there. Abducted! That only leaves one course of action: put on a disguise and go ask around in town!

Look at that! Tomasi has a calm person rationally state why Clark has become a pariah. Now was that so hard?

The idea that Superman causes more harm by existing than by not existing is entirely the fault of unimaginative writers who have had their claws in him for so long. One of my biggest criticisms of super hero comic books is how often the hero is the cause of the attack by the super villains. Why even bother being the protector of Gotham if Gotham is destroyed by Joker Gas simply because the protector of Gotham lives there? What use is a secret identity to keep your loved ones safe if villains are just moving past the personal attachments to destroy the city where the hero lives? I suppose that's the problem with the use of recurring villains in comic booksl. You can't just ignore the past. Villains are going to be upset that their plans were foiled by the good guy. So they're eventually going to just go after the good guy to get him out of the picture so they can go back to their schemes in peace. I guess fans just like to see the conflicts so they don't care so much about motivation. But I think the lack of motivation in the villain causes this kind of messy bullshit which editors eventually think creates great drama and conflict. I should probably just start skipping bullshit story arcs like this.

One of the old guys in front of the barber shop has the old Kent mailbox. He said it fell out of the sky. So Clark and Diana head to the farm to find Clark's old house and barn and shed and chicken coop and driveway and fence and probably his dead pets buried around back gone. Somebody abducted not just Lana and John Henry but the Kent Farm as well. What a mystery!

While Clark and Diana look around, some mystery person watches them via satellite and begins initiating Protocol AC638. What happened in Action Comics #638? I think that's a clue! Etrigan was on the cover! But it was one of those 48 page books with multiple stories, so any one of them could hold the answer to Protocol AC638!

Superman heads over to the Kent Family Cemetery to find all of the bodies have also been stolen. While freaking the fuck out over that, he's attacked by the Suicide Squad. His life really has turned to shit, hasn't it?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm bored by this. Completely bored! Bored almost to annihilation! I'm beginning to cease to exist I've become so bored. Maybe I can force myself into a coma if I concentrate hard enough. If I manage it, will one of you promise to wake me up when this whole Superman Truth thing is over? I think that will be around September.

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