Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #2

Why is Guy Gardner arm wrestling John Belushi?

At the end of last issue, Guy Gardner had hopped on a motorcycle and headed out into the desert of Planet Brainiac to fight for Metropolis. He could have been flying but Hal Jordan bogarted all the magic ring juice and took off with the battery. This Guy is from the pre-Crisis On Infinite Earths Universe but I forget who all of his possible opponents are. I guess one of the cities stolen was 1976 New York if he's battling the Not Ready For Prime Time Players.

You can tell the characters in this comic book are from an earlier era because it begins with Hal Jordan being crushed in a giant fist while Guy Gardner Narration Boxes, "Nobody roots for Goliath. We all want to see the hero slay the giant." My oh my how that soon changed, right? When did we all begin rooting for the bad guys? I think it happened stealthily! First Hollywood got us used to rooting for heroes that killed wantonly! Then they got us rooting for awful people that were wronged by even awfuller people! Pretty soon, we couldn't get enough of bad guys ruining everybody's day! Unless that was just me. It's possible I'm the only one rooting for Goliath. I'm a jerk.

I knew somebody somewhere in one of these Convergence things would remind the readers about the greatest weapon ever invented! Stewart is just lucky he didn't accidentally kill Hal and a billion other people with it.

This should be the version of John Stewart that survives! Let the New 52 John die and let this one take his place because this John has never been tortured by asshole writers! This John is so happy and carefree that he can belittle Green Arrow in the middle of a dangerous fight!

John and Hal soon find themselves unconscious and helpless. Except they're too unconscious and helpless to find themselves that way so pretend I phrased that previous sentence differently. Now it's up to Guy Gardner and his mighty baseball bat to save the day! I think those are the only members of the Green Lantern Corps in attendance so Guy will have to do.

Make that Guy and his new dog will have to do. Although if this dog is from Kamandi's world, shouldn't it be walking upright and trying to get Guy drunk? Get it? Because dogs love to hump stuff! I mean, humans love to hump stuff too! It's just that civilized people have decided it's bad form to rub your naked genitals on unsuspecting guests. For some reason. Stupid civilized people.

Guy has some nightmares about Zod and Sinestro before he wakes up to find himself tied up by Hercules and Jennifer Monroe. Guy's new dog is their old dog, Basil. I don't know who these people are. I mean, I know who Hercules is! I was once a twelve year old boy! I read all about his labors! Like that one where he cleaned some shit with a river. Or the one where he killed the hydra! Or the one where he did that totally lame thing so nobody ever remembers it at all. And then there was the one where he had to make a Stymphalian Omelette! I think there were a few more too but they're unimportant and possibly too racy to discuss in this all ages commentary. Except for that one where he had to express Cerberus's anal glands! Gross!

I should write a comic book entitled "The True Twelve Labors of Hercules" which reveals that they were all really embarrassing so he kind of changed them up a bit in the retelling.

Have I mentioned that Jennifer Monroe is super cute with a luscious rump?! Well if I did, I was lying! You shouldn't be interested in her at all, you pervs! I hope Supergirl doesn't get jealous of me and Jenny Monroe.

Jenny and Hercules decide that if Basil trusts Guy, Guy must be okay. Before Guy parts company with them (they're going to help innocents; Guy is going to die...I mean fight the Anti-God), he decides to challenge Hercules for his "Impervious Armor."

Apparently demigods don't know all the modern techniques involved in arm wrestling. Can you believe Hollywood made an action flick about arm wrestling? Men are into the most boring pastimes!

Herc and Jenny-Jenny-Bo-Benny-My-Face-Is-In-Her-Fo-Fanny lead Guy Gardner to the edge of Durvale where the Anti-God's Chaos Storm rages like a raging normal storm but more chaotic. Guy has Herc throw him into the city because he's now wearing armor that leaves him impervious to harm. As he's flying through the air, he does an Andy Kaufman imitation which I don't understand. But that's not surprising since I never understood anything Andy Kaufman did! Especially the cancer thing. How was that joke funny?!

Guy finds John and Hal taking naps. Then there's this huge advertisement for DC Comics to try to distance themselves from The New 52 which lots of fans hated. But they're trying way too hard by nicknaming their universe the "DC You." Oh please! Stop fellating the fans that hate you! You're trying too hard, DC! You'll never have the kind of fan praise Marvel has because the love isn't divided equally between the two companies. It's all about branding and once a person takes to one brand, they'll stick with it for no reason at all yet make up as many reasons as they can why the brand they chose is the best! For whatever reason, you've been losing the Brand Loyalty Race for decades! Here's the thing about Marvel fans: whenever I'm around a Marvel fan, they constantly tell me why they like Marvel better than DC. And most of their reasons are the same bullshit I've heard my whole life! Look, I don't care if a person chose Marvel over DC, or DC over Marvel, or American Spirits over Marlboro!

You want to know the real secret to increasing your Brand Loyalty, DC? The one that doesn't involve giving free handjobs to every one of your potential fans? Hire the best writers and artists and just let them create great fucking stories. Guess what? If the writers and artists realize you're serious about less editorial control, they'll come in droves. And the fans will follow! Okay, not all the fans. But how are you going to win over all the Wolverine fans when you don't have access to Wolverine?! And who wants the Cyclops fans? Yuck!

Anyway, good luck, DC! You've got a shit ton of great characters. You just need to make sure you've got great writers who love them directing their stories.

Back to Guy's adventure, John and Hal decide Guy's alright in their book. You know, seeing as how he saved their asses.

Guy decides to recharge his Green Lantern ring even though he was doing just fine with a baseball bat and a motorcycle.

Guy's plan to kill the Anti-God is to take it into space where it will react with regular old God and be destroyed. It also destroys positive matter God as well but it's not like he (or she!) was doing anything proactive with the universe. Good riddance!

After the victory, Guy celebrates in the best way ever!

Guy wins Multiversal Thunderdome!

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #2 Rating: It was pretty good because it had Guy Gardner in it and he bonded with a dog. What's better than that? Eight Bad Hair Cuts out of Ten!

Divergence: Gotham Academy
"Gotham Academy's newest student Damian Wayne drops by the academy -- and he is not pleased to meet his new classmates!"

I've actually got to go and I want to post this before I take off. So you all know how I feel about Gotham Academy. Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Now with more Damian Wayne! I'll read the Sneak Peek later and will love it. Read Gotham Academy, people! But don't read the parts with Maps because she's my favorite and I will not share her with you.