Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Convergence #7

I really wish Scott Lobdell would stop getting writing credits on these. It's biasing my whole take on the story!

I just realized last night that Grant Morrison's title, Batman Incorporated, was a pun! It didn't just mean that Bruce Wayne was turning Batman into an international business! It was about Grant Morrison incorporating every aspect of The Batman's long history into a coherent story about the one man. Nothing was out of continuity for Morrison. He found a reason for it all and "incorporated" it into the Batman he wrote for years. He was even allowed to continue writing Preboot Batman into the Reboot and tie him to Snyder's Batman as well. That guy can blow my mind even when I'm not paying attention.

I mention that here because where else am I going to mention it? In the new blog I'll be starting soon about playing every computer role playing game ever made like the way the CRPG Addict is doing but doing it all Iron Man style? I think I'll use his list and I won't go as in depth into the games as he did (because he did that already! What am I? Stupid! No way! I'm lazy! Duh!). I'll just approach them with a strategy to try to beat them in one play. When I die, I die and move on to the next one. I need to think of a name for the blog though, preferably one that describes what the blog is about as opposed to this blog name which is totally awesome but doesn't mention comics in it anywhere at all.

Speaking of comics, let's discuss the one I have in front of me right now! Not in depth! I'm just going to do a shallow read of the comic while making snarky remarks about the art and the pacing and the characterizations and the plots. I won't even recognize the theme if it has one! That's for poetic nerds with hearts and brains and love. Themes! Pshaw!

Anyway, I think the theme of Convergence is "look how messy converging things can be. Kind of like pressing that slice of bread with peanut butter on it against that slice of bread with jelly on it. Smoooooooosh!"

Scott Lobdell must begin the writing on this issue because it stars Oracle and guess what?! He's making him speak! And he's doing a thing with his hand! I think maybe Scott Lobdell took offense that Jeff King had Supergirl call Oracle retarded last issue.

Fuck you! The least powerful people in any universe are the omniscient ones! Talk about lacking freewill! No wonder Oracle looks like a big drooping cock. He's the most impotent motherfucker in creation!

You're blind, you big dumby, because you're a huge liar! If you can't see what happens next then you aren't omniscient. Have you ever considered that you're one of those fucking psychics that truly think they're psychic because they don't understand the difference between random thoughts and visions of the future?! I hate you Oracle! I hope you die because you aren't listening to Superman! Also, I think he might die here which is why he can't see what happens next. Hmm. I wonder what Alan Moore comic book Scott Lobdell stole that one from?! I mean, you know, if it happens.

Oh man I hope it happens! I've never been so excited to turn a page! I might even go for a walk just to savor the moment! No, no! I can't wait! Here it goes!

Well, he hasn't died yet! But maybe before this is all over!

I like how a great writer can write the smallest story in the world that has huge philosophical implications but Scott Lobdell has to create a cosmic creature that knows everything that has zero impact on the reader. It's not the huge splash that awes the viewer. It's the body passing through the surface without leaving any evidence behind that is the real trick, you stupid, clumsy beast!

Superman is busy saving Stormwatch from the temporal and antimatter energy cascading all over the local space around the planet lodged in some weird, dimensional sphincter. It makes no sense! Not the space sphincter! Superman having to save Stormwatch! They've faced worse than this at least six times before breakfast!

Zilius Zox continues to not be dead for some reason. And Guy Gardner is back in his old uniform with the big boots and the snazzy vest. Maybe it's the temporal thingamajigs?

Is there a super hero that is some kind of cosmic midwife? That's who they need to save this planet! I bet Marvel has a ridiculous superhero like that!

While the New 52 heroes look on in horror at what amounts to just another random space event that they really could just be ignoring if they had other things to do which they don't because all of their titles are on hiatus, every other hero from DC Comics history are busy punching each other in the face on the surface of Planet Brainiac.

But it doesn't last for too many pages because it's not as exciting as it sounds. We live in the video game age where we can enact this battle any time we want!

I like how Aquaman decided to ride Grodd and how Supergirl is basically disintegrating Ocean Master.

These little maniac superheroes love to fight! It's hard to get a decent screenshot of these assholes because as soon as you stick one bad guy into the mix, they go fucking nuts! I had other shots with Captain Marvel and Catwoman and Metamorpho and Blue Beetle and Fastback and Black Lightning and Captain Atom but it took me too long to figure out the screen shots and by then they'd killed the bad guys and moved on to other parts of the screen. This time I trapped them in STAR Labs but then I forgot to add a bunch of the other characters before I added Harley Quinn and they all went apeshit about her arrival. No offense intended, Grodd.

Anyway, the fight in the comic book ends when Telos erupts out of the ground in giant form. At least the brawl part of the fight ends. Once Telos arrives, Deimos turns his attention on Telos while everybody else stops fighting to enjoy the show.

The New 52 characters get a sneak peek at the alternate versions of themselves that exist when Planet Brainiac belches or something. It probably makes sense if you want to spend any of your precious life actually thinking about it. I wish Omniscient Narrators still existed so they would explain the comic books to me and I could just shut off my brain. Except that wouldn't work because my brain would constantly nitpick the writing and the art because I'm one of those jerk nerds that just can't help being a troll. I wish I were dead!

Except my death would merely give Deimos more power. That's what everybody finds out when Yolanda mentions it to Dick. Wonder Woman overhears the message and tells everybody else. Everybody else goes, "I don't know who that is but she's probably telling the truth!" Then they stop fighting. Which is the exact opposite of what comic book characters would normally do! If there's a chance at a misunderstanding, they're supposed to keep fighting! None of this believing something somebody said just because Wonder Woman claimed the woman was telling the truth. Since when did whatever version of Wonder Woman that was gain the power of her lasso just by looking deeply and seductively into another woman's eyes? I mean besides in my Paradise Island fan fiction?

In the end, Telos gains the upper hand. Sort of.

I bet Telos was the first Brainiac!

The person who asks "Nothing?" is Parallax. He's killed so many things that he thinks he can just go around killing whomever he wants. I guess that's why he eventually becomes The Spectre, right? That guy is a righteous asshole!

Parallax disintegrates Deimos before he can reveal Telos's true identity. I say who cares! Unless he had the power to give him back all of his memories so that Telos could be and remember the person he once was, it doesn't matter. What connection does Telos have to that past? The only reason it's important is because it will probably be a good comic book revelation to the fans!

Since Deimos was full of time traveler chewy goodness, pieces of time get all over everything when he explodes. It also gets all over The New 52 universe because Planet Brainiac was mostly in that universe when Deimos died. Oracle catches most of it in the face and begins to disappear. Everybody shouts, "Hooray!" And then Oracle's final words are about how reality is breaking apart and everybody shouts, "Again?!"

Convergence #7 Rating: This issue scores Ten Dead Oracles out of Ten because the worst character in The New 52 has finally died! I hope. He'd better not come back! The comic wasn't actually good enough to score a ten out of ten but who cares anyway? Did I tell you guys that Steve Pugh began following me on Twitter for some reason? I guess he likes seeing old comic book covers and panels with stupid jokes posted underneath them because that's all I use it for. Did I also mention that I have 21 Convergence comic books left to read? What a hassle!

Did you see IGN's blurb for the new Batgirl series in the advertisements? "Not your Daddy's Batgirl." That's so gross! Why did they capitalize daddy? That's weird, right? IGN had this to say about Gotham Academy: "Slick, charming, and, dare we say it, fun." Why would you have to be dared to say fun?! Is it a bad word? Are you too cool for comic book school, IGN? You can't enjoy fun comics without making a big show about it? You're low self-esteem is showing!

The Nerdist.com says this about Gotham Academy: "A little bit CW television series and a little bit Harry Potter, with a wee touch of manga-inspired storytelling...." It isn't any of those things in those portions at all! Your recipe is all wrong, Nerdist! Nobody is fucking anybody so it isn't anything CW! And I haven't seen an ounce of magic! And you're only calling it manga because of Maps and her brother, you racists!

DC Comics really should have gone with my blurbs for the books!

Gotham Academy: "I'm so old that my crush on Maps looks super pervy and gross!" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Batgirl: "I thought the ad said, 'A reinvention from the boobs up!' and I was all, 'I'll read that!'" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Grayson: "How do I get DC to use my blurbs? Do I have to say things like 'Dick is so good that I can't put it down!' and 'I haven't loved Dick this much since college!'?" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

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