Thursday, June 25, 2015

Batman #41

What should I call Commissioner Gordon Batman? Commissioner Batman? BatJim? Twat Batman?

Batman died in Issue #40. Wink, wink. So now we've got Commissioner Gordon in an armored Batsuit developed by some place called Powers International. How long do you think Scott Snyder and DC Comics can keep the fans interested in a Batman title without Batman? Unlike Gotham, they don't even have a young Bruce Wayne masturbating furiously every episode about how his first kiss could have led to something more, like maybe a little over the clothing ass touching, or a bit of shirt-covered boob pressing up against his arm. I hope next season has at least one scene of an obviously disgusted Alfred mentioning having just changed Young Masturbating Bruce's sheets.

This issue begins with some kind of Doom Patrolesque monster robbing Gotham Credit Union. Or just beating up the building for reasons beyond the reader's probable human understanding. It's two stories tall, has see-thru skin, speaks in static, and has a small sun as its heart. The Gotham Police are keeping an eye on it while they wait for Commissioner Batman to arrive. Jim Gordon begins having Batmanesque Narration Box Thoughts because that's what main characters do now, I suppose. I'm not a fan of them because they promote lazy comic book writing but many people seem to like hearing the internal monologue of the main character even when it almost always makes no sense that they would be thinking the things being thought in the current situation. And many of the Narration Box Monologues are voiced in such a way that they're obviously the character talking to the reader from a future point where they've already experienced the story the reader is currently reading. Those are annoying. Also, they're places where the writer gets to explain the great idea they thought up that they want the audience to understand but they're not sure the audience will even notice it. Because, let's face it, if the words weren't there to slow the reader down, they'd consume the comic book in two minutes, set it down, pick up the next comic book in their stack, and never give the writer's story another thought until next month when they spend two minutes with the next part of the story.

Yes, Commissioner Batman. I'm sure that's exactly what Static Throat the Jelly Beast was thinking. Although second best possibility? "I'm going to stick my dick inside this credit union and glaze the fucking walls!"

Last issue began with a bunch of mourners shining Batsignal flashlights into the air where lots and lots of Batsignals appeared. I didn't call bullshit on that last issue because I have a policy not to trash Scott Snyder books because of the handies he gives me at Comic Book Conventions. But Capullo busted in on us last time and punched me in the face while screaming, "Synder's silky soft hands are for me, you punk motherfucker!" So now I can say that the whole shining a flashlight into the air and seeing some kind of light is bullshit. I used to shine a flashlight into the night sky as a kid because I wanted to alert aliens that I was down here on Earth. You couldn't see anything at all! But I would do it for awhile and then I'd begin to get nervous that aliens really would see it and then they'd come down and abduct me and so I'd sprint inside and hide under the covers.

Parts of that last paragraph were true but I won't reveal which parts. You can probably figure it out though.

The voice on the other end of the Bat-Radio is Julia Pennyworth. I guess she's decided to stick around Gotham for awhile, probably still trying to convince her dad to put his hand back on. It's going to be awfully difficult to stitch up Batman with just one hand. Except Batman is dead so I guess that doesn't matter.

You know what I just realized I'm not really interested in? Commissioner Gordon in a Batsuit!

But Geri Powers is going to try to convince me otherwise!

I'm sorry too, Geri. I don't buy it. Except that I did buy it. For $4.99. Dammit. Maybe I can convince myself that I like it.

Commissioner Gordon decides to consult with Harvey Bullock because Harvey is a guy you can bounce ideas off of and never feel threatened that he's going to have anything to say that's smarter than anything you can say. Having stupid friends is the best! You'd never wonder why I think I'm God's Gift to the Internet if you had to listen to Doom Bunny for ten minutes! He's all, "Sports are fun! And the beer is for drinking! I don't need to be entertaining because I have kids who say entertaining things so I can just relate their stories and people will think I'm entertaining too! I go on date-nights with the wife! My best friend is an asshole that writes fucked up shit about me on the internet! Why is he even my friend? Why did I allow him to be my best man at my wedding?! I almost didn't get Honeymoon Poontang because of his stupid toast! He's such an arrogant, self-righteous dickhead!"

Gordon convinces himself to be Batman because he'd be protecting all of the other potential recruits by keeping them out of the suit. I wish Bullock would put on an armored Robinsuit.

Commissioner Gordon continues to battle Static the Bio-Monster between flashbacks of how he came to be wearing the armor. The person in his ear isn't Julia Pennyworth; it's Julia Perry. Of course! I wanted Commissioner Batman to be tied into the Batman character more than he obviously could be. He wouldn't know of Penny-One or Penny-Two or the Giant Penny or anything. I mean, he probably could know about it if he wanted to know about it but since he chooses to ignore the fact that Batman was Bruce Wayne, he doesn't know about Alfred or Julia. Unless he does. But he doesn't acknowledge it! He just plays stupid. So his Julia is some other Julia working for Powers International. He also has some other guy named Daryl also speaking to him over the Bat-Radio. He's also introduced later as the kid who designed the Armored Bunny suit. Maybe I should be calling Batman "Commissioner Bunnyman"?

Geri finishes her "convince the Commissioner to get involved" speech by answering Jim's "none of this is Batman" with "No, Readers, it's not. But if you want to maintain the completeness of your Batman comic book collection, you're going to have to try to accept that." Well, fuck you, Geri! Maybe I don't care about accepting it! Maybe I'll stop reading Batman because not everything that comes out of Scott Snyder's dick is gold! Maybe I don't want to read a Batman book without Batman in it!

Well, the old baseball player accepts the new Batman. But I'm not some old beat-up has-been! My Batman throws Batarangs! He doesn't shoot them out of a gun! I hate Commissioner Batman!

The final page shows a guy sitting on a park bench and some other guy with a briefcase passing by who stops, turns, and asks, "Bruce Wayne?"

Batman #41 Rating: -1 Ranking. This negative ranking isn't because of the quality of the comic book. It's a good book. The drop in rank is because I'm taking a stand against a Batman book without Batman! I refuse to be convinced by Scott Snyder with his story trying to convince the reader to buy into this concept. I'm with the guy at the end asking for Bruce Wayne back!

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