Convergence: Shazam #2

Batman wins.

The art in this issue was very much the art of this issue. The writing was as writingesque as it could be. The colors...oh! The colors! So colorful! And if you like characterization, did this comic book have characters! You couldn't find a better value for your $3.99 than this comic book. Even if an escort offered you a hypo full of heroin, oral sex, and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles while promising you'd never have to work another day in your life, your $3.99 would be better spent on Convergence: Shazam #2!

I should probably read the comic book now. I'm pretty sure I nailed the review though. For those of you who came here to read a comic book review, you should leave now because I won't be doing any more reviewing in the following paragraphs. I probably will barely even write about the comic book. But I might call Jeff Parker's mother a whore. You never know! Let's see where the journey takes us, shall we?

While blimps attack Fawcett City, Captain Marvel heads over to Gaslight Gotham. That's kind of him! Now Batman won't have to travel to beat Cap's ass. Don't worry about those blimps I mentioned destroying the city! Mary Marvel and Freddy Marvel and the Bulletpeople have stayed behind to destroy them.

Gaslight Batman has better gadgets than regular old Batman.

Batman leads Captain Marvel into a trap where Cap is electrocuted. But electricity is like water off a convict's back to Captain Marvel! He survives which impresses Batman who isn't easily impressed. Just ask Alfred and Robin and especially Catwoman who sometimes does that thing with the handle of her whip which Batman hardly even reacts to even though his urethra really isn't any bigger than most peoples.

Batman and Captain Marvel decide to team up because they're smarter than most of the other heroes who only decided to team up after punching each other for three-quarters of the comic book. Batman and Billy head into the sewers for reasons that I don't want to go into because they'll bore you. But once they're in the sewers, they encounter Killer Croc the Urchin which is super exciting! Have your nipples been stiffened?

Captain Marvel discovers that his nemesis, Giant Vibrator Man, has aligned himself with Gaslight Gotham and all of its miscreants like Joker the Ripper and Clay-Thug and Penguin Sideburns and Debtor's-Prison-Face and Mr. Steampunk Freeze and The Scare-Dandy and Harley Sweep and Mistress Ivy and Ye Olde Man-Bat and The Riddler. Even with this many opponents, I don't think Captain Marvel needs to worry. Batman decides to beat up Penguin Sideburns because Batman is lazy and weak. Captain Marvel can probably handle the rest.

Except Captain Marvel just leaves them all to Batman while he rips into Mr. Atom to find the real enemy of everybody.

Poor Mr. Mind. Always the Caterpillar, never the bridesmaid.

And that's it! There's an earthquake and everybody wins. Or loses. Whatever.

Convergence: Shazam #2 Rating: Seven Georgia Sivanas out of Ten because when she transforms into a lightning child, my pants become a semen waterfall. I wish I was through with the Convergence books! They're all about seven-eighths the same story! Just five left!

Divergence: Constantine the Hellblazer
"Rogue mage, notorious philanderer and superhero-hater John Constantine has been in trouble before, but never so deep as when he's forced to investigate his own infernal history."

How can John be forced to investigate his own history? Why doesn't he just say, "Okay! Looked into it and nothing strange! Everything's on the up and up! Cor blimey, me biscuits are moist!"

The Sneak Peek shows a John Constantine doing the dirty work that nobody else will do. And not because he's trying to save the world or be some kind of mystic hero. He's just letting people's pasts catch up to them before they cause any more trouble. Which might be part of the reason he's going to get into trouble himself. Seems his past is about to catch up to him too. I'll be glad for a John Constantine that isn't in love. Jesus, New 52 Constantine was annoying.