Convergence: Crime Syndicate #2

Don't expect to see any more of Superwoman in this issue. She was electrocuted for enjoying sex.

According to my air conditioner, it's 41 degrees in here right now. I don't think that means I need to put on a jacket. I think that means I need a new air conditioner.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman walking about morosely in a park because she doesn't get to fight anybody in Multiversal Thunderdome. That's because her opponent was lit up like a festive Non-Denominational Holiday Tree! I'm glad she's making an appearance though. I was thinking about beginning this commentary by stating how it would star exactly zero women because they were all killed last issue. And by "all," I mean "the only female to appear in the entire comic last issue."

This is why I'm sick of Convergence. I have to read this quandary ten times per week. You would think if any characters in this battle would just jump in wholeheartedly, it would be the Crime Syndicate! Stop being such huge pussies (yes, I'm problematic. I'm just trying to avoid being gross! I don't want fifteen year olds (or those with the mental maturity of fifteen year olds) to hate me!).

Superman One Million and Aquaman One Million have the exact same conversation. Which totally explains why Aquaman and Power Ring begin punching each other without trying to talk it out a few panels later!

Aquaman One Million battles with an anchor. I think that's a metaphor!

Ultraman meets up with Wonder Woman which means they'll probably fall in love and declare that they'd rather die than fight with each other. I think that was the plot of a Shakespeare play, "Three Suicides and a Gang Fight."

Tempting? What don't I know about Batman One Million?! Is he gay or just into fucking owls? According to The Bible, the former is worse than the latter. Deuteronomy Something Colon Something.

Batman One Million doesn't want to fight. He wants to team up with Owlman to find Telos and go to prom with him. Owlman doesn't want to fight either so you probably think the two of them won't be fighting. If you reached that conclusion, you don't read enough comic books. Owlman also doesn't want to go find Telos with Batman One Million which makes Batman One Million want to fight Owlman. Batman One Million is an asshole.

The Flashes run by at that moment going fast enough to run straight up a building but not too fast so that Batman can't see them perfectly. Johnny Quick knocks out Flash One Million and says, "Say goodnight, Gracie!!!" So apparently they have Burns and Allen on Earth-3! Sorry! I mean Allen and Burns. But they apparently don't have the show in the 853rd Century. Or Batman just doesn't have a sense of humor. Both of those postulations are plausible.

He should have said, "Good night, Gracie!!!"

Let's see how the fight between Aquaman and Power Ring is progressing! First off, Power Ring shows his ignorance by calling Aquaman's anchor a "trident." Aquaman mentions that he's from Neptune. Power Ring jumps to the conclusion that that means Aquaman can breathe underwater. Does Power Ring really believe that Neptune is a giant ocean planet? Maybe he's just dumb enough to be correct because in the 853rd Century, Neptune just might be that! Wonder Woman lives on and protects Venus and she didn't look scarred from the corrosive atmosphere. Which planet does Batman live on? The one he renamed "Batplanet"?

Batman One Million actually did let Owlman run from him which was the right decision. But Owlman only ran from him when Batman One Million said that they must fight even though he didn't want to fight him. Batman One Million also watched Flash One Million crash into the street after falling unconscious from the top of a building and he just walked away to leave Flash to die. Batman One Million has important business with Superman One Million! He can't let himself be distracted by petty concerns over one life hanging in the balance.

Batman One Million tells Superman One Million that the power source for the planet is beneath the surface. So it's time to punch a hole in the ground and spelunk their asses off.

Owlman just looks like a man who was swallowed by an owl.

Owlman surrenders but just before Wonder Woman One Million crushes his skull, Superwoman arrives! I guess she did get her powers back just before the switch was thrown. Or she was pardoned at the last minute by a repentant justice system that finally realized the vengeance driven hypocrisy of state mandated murder. No, no! That would never happen! She most likely got her powers back.

Although Ernie Chambers of Omaha managed to get a red state to repeal the death penalty! Of course the logic behind Republicans changing their mind about the death penalty has nothing to do with compassion and the possibility of innocent people being killed and everything to do with the cost. So that's par for the course! But at least they made the right decision no matter the reasons. I guess.

The earthquake hits while Superwoman and Wonder Woman One Million begin their fight for the fate of their cities. But we all know it doesn't matter so do I really care which one wins?

It's a good thing I don't care because the issue ends with both women being crushed under rubble (and Batman One Million lost in the collapse of the cave he's exploring). But then one climbs from the rubble! But she's lost her gloves or bracers and the shadows are just right so you can't see the top of her outfit which leaves no way of determining which one survived! Take that, readers!

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #2 Rating: 10 Rats out of 6.5. Get it?!

Divergence: Cyborg
"The ultimate tech hero thought he knew everything abut his unique cybernetic body.

He was wrong."

I bet he discovers he has a robot vagina to go along with his human cock! If that's not what he discovers, I think I've lost interest because there's no way it'll be as interesting as that.

In the Sneak Peek, Cyborg is killed by some creatures called the Tekbreakers. They steal his arms and his kidneys and then leave. But then Cyborg's backup operating system kicks in and regenerates him. His body repairs itself and he comes back to life, growing new arms, new kidneys, and probably a vagina. I hope he didn't lose his BOOM Tube technology! Although that's probably what was stolen by the Tekbreakers along with his White Noise Blaster Arm. I guess Cyborg's technology needed to be updated after thirty plus years of blasting things with white noise. I have to agree. That shit was lame by issue fifteen of The Teen Titans.