Friday, June 5, 2015

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #2

Chip Kidd has gotten sloppy with his cropping.

This issue say Batman and the Outsiders on the cover so if you were a Batman and the Outsiders fan, you might think, "Hey! Maybe I should pick this up and enjoy some sweet, sweet on the bus stealth masturbation in my pants with this comic on my lap!" But you'd be wrong because you should only masturbate in public even if you are female and I'd like to see that while riding the bus. But especially if you're a guy because I don't want to see your O-face or have to dodge your bodily fluids when you reach enlightenment. Is that how you reach enlightenment? If it is, I must be doing it wrong because I usually just reach naptime. Maybe I just need more practice?

Anyway, what I was trying to say before my brain sidetracked me is that Batman and the Outsiders fans are going to be disappointed when they open this book and realize they're reading an OMAC comic book instead. Fucking OMAC. This is where if I touted myself as an unbiased comic book review site, I'd say, "Now, I have nothing against OMAC but when I purchase a Batman and the Outsiders comic book, I want to read Batman and the Outsiders." But I'm a completely biased comic book review site and I have everything against OMAC. Even DC Comics decided he was stupid which is why they changed his name from One Man Army Corps to something else which I can't remember. And he's always taking orders from artificial intelligence trying too hard to seem human. So for a long time, "Brother" Eye gave him "suggestions" on how to "save" the world. This comic book begins with not Brother Eye commanding him but Godmother. So I guess this is going to be some kind of fairy tale? Will OMAC eventually become a real princess/boy/woman respected for her accomplishments instead of just her good looks (although she'll still have the good looks because Hollywood is pretty sure audiences only have a limited ability to suspend disbelief)? Although now I'm sort of hoping this comic book goes all Boxing OMAC on me.

Geoforce does manage to show up on about page four which I'm grateful for. Not because I like Geoforce! It's just that a knife in the kidney is better than a thin, long needle up the urethra. I think. Having never experienced both of those things, I can't really compare.

Hey Letterer! That guy flying up in the air in the second panel? Not Geoforce.

Black Lightning is busy recovering from Sudden Onset Lightning Powers while a little kid bothers him. Then a big kid named Batman bothers him with the usual Bat-orders: "Drop everything and do what I say!" He probably stamps his foot as he says it while Alfred mutters to himself about spoiled brats and shitty health care.

Halo has recently exploded out of a coma burying Katana and a number of the hospital staff in rubble. But that's okay! She's a hero! Normal people should be glad to sacrifice their lives for added drama in the lives of super heroes.

Jesus Christ, Letterer. Am I going to have to continually correct you?! It's GABY not GABBY!

I suppose I should learn who the letter is on this comic book but I haven't hit the credits page yet and I don't want to skip ahead and see spoilers! Plus I should probably be yelling at Andreyko and not the letterer. Andreyko is definitely the one that scripted Halo yelling "Katana" and not "Tatsu" like she probably would have. Maybe Halo just learned, after repeatedly being threatened with hospitalization for punctured lungs, not to call Tatsu by her name in public.

Meanwhile Rex and Sapphire climb out of the shower and wrap camping tarps around their naked bodies because they're fucking weird, I guess. Metamorpho grosses Sapphire out. I don't mean he started making racist comments! He just turned into a monster while they were fucking and had trouble keeping his face from sliding off of his "skull." Skull is in quotation marks because Metamorpho doesn't really have a skeleton until he thinks about it and makes one for himself.

How does Metamorpho control his ability? If I had the ability to turn myself into any element, I doubt my body would respond to my brain thinking, "Turn into gold!" What do I know about the properties of gold?! It's shiny and it's the color of gold! Half of that you could have guessed without even having ever seen gold in real life! At least I could probably come up with a semblance of gold. Maybe pyrite. But how would I turn into other elements like magnesium? Or neon? Or Einsteinium? Is that one?

Geoforce meets up with OMAC and I forgot that Geoforce's name had a hyphen in it. I don't care. I don't think it should have a hyphen in it so I'm going to stubbornly refuse to type it correctly. Later I might even misgender him for kicks.

Batman and the other Outsiders arrive to help Geoforce defeat OMAC which is when I learn the letterer is Steve Wands. Don't worry, Steve! I'm not going to blame you for the previous gaffs. I'm sure they were due to Andreyko's scripting. And if you write anything about one of the characters being raped, I won't blame you for that either. We all know who's responsible for that! *touches side of nose because I think it means something*

The rest of the comic will probably be one long fight followed by an earthquake followed by everybody hugging Halo because she's better while Metamorpho cries in the corner.

Black Lightning insulting Batman to his face.

The earthquake actually hits in the middle of the fight because why not get that editorial mandated crap out of the way as soon as possible. After that, Andreyko returns to making mistakes in his script.

Halo was in a coma for the same amount of time Rex was human. She doesn't know he's "back"! It's also possible Steve fucked this up and that should have been Tatsu's line. Maybe I should just blame Marc and Steve equally for all of the mistakes.

Batman and the Outsiders defeat OMAC and he disappears along with Kamandi's New York. I guess. I actually don't think any of the cities will remain non-existent at the end of this. I think some of the creative teams took the Multiversal Thunderdome too seriously. Especially since these battles are set up in such a way that a city shouldn't disappear simply because one of the city's champions lost their own individual battle. I bet at the end of Convergence somebody snaps their fingers and all the worlds magically wind up in a happy place where their universe gets to exist in a state that never changes from each huge pending Crisis (in this case, Crisis on Infinite Earths).

After the battle, Batman is all, "Hey Rex! I hope you're not planning on killing yourself now? Oh wait! You can't kill yourself! Ha ha!" And then Rex is all, "Don't be too sure about that! Elemental Woman took her own life! Or will take her own life! Vertigo books count in our universe?" And then the story ends and everybody lives ambiguously ever after!

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #2 Rating: I enjoyed the art! It was happening! The story was average. There were mistakes. So I guess I'll rate this comic book 6 Roy G. Bivs out of Ten!

Divergence: Batman Beyond
"Trapped in the future, Tim Drake becomes the new Batman Beyond as he protects a Gotham City that stands on the edge of a great disaster."

I bet all of the Terry McGinnis fans are dancing in the streets over this decision, amirite?! That was sarcasm! I probably shouldn't use sarcasm because it makes me sound like Chandler Bing and nobody knows who that is anymore. The good thing about Tim Drake having time traveled to become Batman Beyond is that my theory about Tim Drake being Harvest has inched that much closer to being correct! He's got thirty five years of the time travel part down! Now he just needs to time travel another 965 years and somehow become a vampire!

In the Sneak Peek, Tim Drake learns that he needs to fight cyborgs and rescue survivors in the name of Terry McGinnis. Terry McGinnis fans learn that this comic book sucks donkey vomit. I think it's just more Futures End repackaged in a less interesting, um, package! And it's written by Dan Jurgens so it'll be set in the future but it'll feel an awful lot like 1986.

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