Oh! The pitter patter of my beating boner!
Can felching be erotic?
The issue begins with Roy Harper Narration Boxing which is of greater or equal value to a death knell. Roy Harper thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. That's because Scott Lobdell thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. He's one of those guys who thinks he's being funny when people are just putting up with him and looking at their watches and hoping he has somewhere to be soon. Typing that makes me nervous because I sometimes think I'm funny and I've often seen the way people look at their wrists when I enter the room.
Which is very nearly the way 95% of all super heroes do things. Even Superman is breaking the law every time he flies through Metropolis. Probably. I mean, doesn't he need a license or air clearance or something?
See? It's funny because it's not funny at all but then he explains it which makes it funny!
The title of this issue is "Desert First, Then Dinner! Get It? Because It Takes Place In The Desert!" I very much doubt the title matters. I'm almost certain that Scott Lobdell wrote it without any knowledge of how the story was going to progress but he began it with Roy in a desert so at least it works on the shallowest of levels. And I bet later he has dinner with Tara Battleworth. No way that's a real name.
Why does he have a framed picture of the Outlaws when he's got a cell phone right in the other hand? What kid today views photos in any way except on phones?! The framed picture must be a bomb.
Tara hangs up on Roy so Roy goes back to surveillance and talking to himself. He seems really bitter about his past job as Red Hood's sidekick.
Tara Battleworth's deal with some drug runner named Palette (because he's covered in paint, I guess?) goes south which means it's time for Roy Harper to save the day! Or Red Hood because I bet Red Hood is on the other side of the deal telling jokes to himself too.
Roy Harper shoots a bunch of trick arrows into the deal gone bad and references The Name Song which is a totally timely reference I often hear used among the crowd that sorries not sorries and hashtags the brains out of each other. I know Tiny Toons brought it back but even that was over twenty years ago. Although I like that part during the song where Plucky says, "Now do me!" and everybody screams, "NO!"
Can we get back to the cover for second? I don't get why Arsenal's name is written the way it's written! Is the "A" supposed to be a bow shooting a doorstop?
Roy Harper saves the day and lectures everybody while saving it because they're stupid adults who don't know anything. He's a genius (although he's not written by one so it's really fucking hard to tell sometimes)!
Oh! Oh! I know where Red Hood is now! It was this page that gave it away!
He's disguised as Nick Lachey! I mean the senator!
It was so awesome! Red Hood as an old man was all, "BLAM BLAM BLAM EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKER!" And Roy Harper was all, "Whoa! Cool!" And Palette was all, "I'VE BEEN BESTED BY THE TWO GREATEST HEROES IN THE WORLD!" So fucking cool!
Get! Get out of here! Fucking thirteen year old sat down and began typing on my computer while I was straining to pee! Hashtag Old Man Problems.
Jason Todd tells Roy Harper that they're working together again and Roy Harper accepts the sidekick position once again. They also get a job offer from Ms. Battleworth. That way they can not be outlaws anymore and the other adult super heroes will have to accept them!
Also they take the job! Spoiler alert! Is that what the kids say?
Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1 Rating: I suppose if I had the meager mental capacity of a thirteen year old boy, this would be a fucking awesome comic book! But I'm not so I didn't have any fun reading it. Plus I forgot to write the felching scene. I hope nobody is disappointed.