Prank the Legion of Substitute-heroes! Prank them right in their stupid faces!
In the Sneak Peek, Batman meets Bat-Mite for the first time. And he doesn't like him. I'm not sure I like him either. I don't think Dan Jurgens has the comedy chops to pull this off. I could see this working if Dan turns Bat-Mite into the Don Rickles of the DC Universe (you kids can look him up on Wikilearnstuff). Bat-Mite is off to bug other heroes besides Batman and it seems like, with his meta-analysis of Batman, he'll have the ability to comment on the fandom's issues with each of the heroes. If Dan Jurgens can be critical enough and a bit mean-spirited when it comes to critiquing what other writers and artists are doing wrong, Bat-Mite could be a wonderful comic book! But I know that would go against the spirit of feigned camaraderie at DC Comics! It's probably against the unspoken rules to mention how horrible Ann Nocenti is at writing Catwoman. Although remember when Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette, and Steve Pugh were doing Rotworld? Remember how they turned all the comic book heroes that were currently being written terribly into all the decaying, disgusting Rotworld "heroes"? That was some divinely subtle commentary, that. And maybe a little playful poking. It's hard to say.
Forget Bat-mite being a mean-spirited critic of writers and artists working at DC Comics because this comic book is rated E for Everyone. That means he can't describe Scott Lobdell's writing style as "kidney stones for the masses" and he won't describe Marat Mychaels artwork as "images miscarried stillborn from Marat's mind." Those are more like Teen Plus descriptions! But I guess DC has decided that if you're a silly, wacky character that is probably more out of continuity than in, you should be rated E for Everyone. Other rules at DC Comics for ratings? If you're female or gay or bisexual and have a healthy sexual appetite for sex and sexing, you get a Teen Plus. I guess overly violent comic books whose sole purpose is to display as much on-panel killing as possible have been rated as Teen Plus as well. The only one I can't figure out is Martian Manhunter! Is an addiction to Oreo the stuff of adulthood? Wait! I know the answer to that since I have that addiction! Yes! It is the stuff of adulthood because adults have the means to buy as many Oreos as they want and often rub the open-faced cookies on their genitals before eating the entire bag.
I wonder if I should begin adjusting my reviews to the rating of the comic book I'm reading? I don't want a younger everyone reading about that time I bottomed out on Oreos. At least it's good enough of an excuse for why I'm not telling that story! I don't want the younger kids to begin asking questions like "What is Cookies and Cream Felching?" or "I wonder how many cookies I can fit into my butt?"
The issue begins by showing the reader Bat-mite's balls. E for Everyone is way different than I imagined it!
Two ball and chains?! Bat-mite must have read a Scroll of Amnesia before reading that second Scroll of Punishment.
Speaking of Bat-mite's balls!
Currently in Gotham, Bat-mite has stolen the Batmobile and is out chasing criminals around in it. As he's doing so, he mentions pogo sticks and then says, "Not that anyone knows what a pogo stick is...." I wish kids today didn't know what a pogo stick was! The fucking neighbor kids spend hours jumping on the squeaky pieces of shit every time we see a sunny day up here in Portland! I just wish pogo sticks were more dangerous! Little bastards! Maybe I should introduce them to stilts?
The criminals being chased by Bat-mite think they killed Batman until Batman shows up in the middle of the road in front of their speeding car.
Batman is not responsible for their deaths if they chose not to wear seatbelts.
The only thing Batman says to Bat-mite is "You." It's possible that Batman thinks he's hallucinating Bat-mite due to being bathed in Scarecrow toxins and Joker gasses for so many years. Also Alfred goes a bit heavy on the ruffies sometimes when he has to keep Batman in the mansion so his boners can mend.
Batman saves the woman in the trunk of the car who miraculously avoided injury when the car slammed into the tree at fifty miles per hour. He boards his Batplane and leaves Bat-mite to be gassed and kidnapped by a thuggish nurse. Her boss tells her to bring Bat-mite to him. Probably so he can castrate him and stick a doll mask on his face and turn him into one of those transphobic, uncanny valley, Dollotrons.
Actually, he's not kidnapped by Professor Pyg even though that's what I wanted to happen beside all evidence to the contrary. You know? Like how the bad guys kidnapping the woman still had their genitals and their regular faces? Anyway, the person that kidnapped Bat-mite?
Doctor Dream, German version! Close enough, anyway. Shut up.
Doc Traum (if you'll allow me to use the diminutives) here was kidnapping the woman in the trunk of the car so she could put her brain inside the woman's body. I'm not sure how Doc Traum's body was going to do the surgery without the brain inside of it but I guess she has superb muscle memory. Or she really trusts her henchmen who must be just as skilled as she is at the surgeries and would therefore have no qualms murdering her during the surgery and taking over her business. I bet it's tough being the leader of a gang of lunatics.
Doc Traum's nurse throws Bat-mite in the dungeon where he stumbles upon Hawkman waiting to be processed. I bet somebody would pay a lot for an Nth Metal Infused body! Although, thanks to the Nth Metal, wouldn't Hawkman's body regrow his brain if it were taken out? Can Nth Metal do that? It seems to be able to do everything else!
Bat-mite, realizing that Batman has been in good hands the last three years, decides Hawkman probably needs his help more. After all, Hawkman has had to deal with writers like Tony S. Daniel and Rob Liefeld. Bat-mite being in charge of him couldn't make things any worse. But Bat-mite learns that Hawkman's brain is shutting down! That means his body will be in total control next issue and Hawkman's body is a violent bugger! I think a big fight is coming up next issue!
Bat-mite #1 Rating: 7 Out-Dated References out of 10. Shall we go over some of Dan Jurgens out-dated references? Yes? Okay! "Great Caeser's Ghost!" Although Dan does point out that the reference is probably lost on the current audience. But this is an E for Everybody comic book, so some of the readers will get it! "Trickle down economics!" "Helloooooo Nurse!" "Nurse Ratched!" Probably some others. I mean, they're not technically out-dated references. But I'm being overly judgmental of Dan Jurgens because he's a robot from the 1980s that somehow can't absorb references too far out of that decade. Hopefully he's getting some upgrades down at the new DCyou! Maybe somebody should consider wiping his hard drive and installing some modern software in him.
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