Oh! Oh! I know how this series will end!
The first thing I noticed about the cover was that Sixpack was probably fucking the Bat Signal. You just can't see his dick flopped out of his fly because his leg is in the way and he's drunk so little Sixpack isn't really up to the task. The second thing I noted was that the issue number doesn't have the tiny mini-series print "1 of 6" like on Bat-mite and Bizarro. Does that mean Garth Ennis is going to tell this story until he's done telling this story? Or does it just mean DC Comics made a mistake that will dash what little hope I have left against the rocks of ultimate despair? The third thing is I'm not drunk. I think I should be drunk while reading this. But I have to work tonight. I don't mind driving to each store drunk but it might be a little dangerous operating a floor buffer while intoxicated.
All Star Section Eight begins with a flash back to the Preboot Universe. You can tell it's the Preboot Universe because Superman and Batman have their underwear on the outside of their costumes. Plus the Narration Boxes are describing a time when super heroes were heroic and their battles meant more than just protecting their own lives and reputations.
The Narrator must be Sixpack because he goes on to say how the greatest heroes of the time always talked about the greaterest heroes of the time being Section Eight. That seems a bit farfetched! Unless they were constantly talking about them because they couldn't believe Section Eight actually existed. Especially Bueno Excellente.
And his dong! I didn't know you could show dong in a Teen Plus comic book! This is exciting!
The scene opens on an art gallery in New York's Chelsea district where art critic Sidney Speck amuses the crowds with his bon mots and tales of gauche poseurs of the art scene. One of the guests at the opening mixes up the drink orders. Sidney winds up with a rye and coke instead of the diet coke he ordered. You see, Sidney is an alcoholic! He can't touch alcohol or he becomes...he becomes...he becomes an embarrassment.
I have to imagine one thing the Avengers and Defenders never talk about is how Bruce Banner completely shits and pisses himself every time he transforms into The Hulk.
But Dogwelder was alive in the Sneak Peek! I think Six Pack might have memories of another universe!
That's semen. It's possibly Lobo's semen. Or, more probably, Bueno's own semen he felched out of Lobo's ass. That's not a joke. It's a more than likely pretty apt description of Lobo's only encounter with Bueno Excllente.
Sixpack's new team is composed of Dogwelder (probably Dogwelder II since the first Dogwelder was, you know, white. Also killed), The Grapplah!, Guts, Bueno Excellente, and Powertool. That's six members! Sixpack just needs two more. Baytor seems pretty excited to join which would leave one last open spot for Batman. Probably.
This might be the most disgusting moment in any comic book ever. At least up until Bueno actually sodomizes Guts.
Although to get top dollar, it really needs to have the word balloons added.
Section Eight #1 Rating: This comic book gets Batman exactly right. How have all the other comic books been writing him so poorly for so long?! Overdramatic Batman who must deal with all the same problems of being a person living in a city is Real Batman! I know when I hit an ATM and then head back to my car, I whisper dramatically, "Got to move fast!" Sometimes before I use the ATM, I'll whisper loudly, "One. Last. Chance!" I bet this is the Batman that Catwoman fell in love with! And seeing Bueno Excellente back in action is just as disturbing as I'd hoped it would be.