Monday, June 29, 2015

All Star Section Eight #1

Oh! Oh! I know how this series will end!

Sixpack and the rest of Section Eight are going to be such complete nuisances and waste so much of Batman's time that it'll force Batman to resurrect Tommy Monaghan so that Hitman can keep Section Eight in control! And then Garth Ennis gets to write another run of Hitman!

The first thing I noticed about the cover was that Sixpack was probably fucking the Bat Signal. You just can't see his dick flopped out of his fly because his leg is in the way and he's drunk so little Sixpack isn't really up to the task. The second thing I noted was that the issue number doesn't have the tiny mini-series print "1 of 6" like on Bat-mite and Bizarro. Does that mean Garth Ennis is going to tell this story until he's done telling this story? Or does it just mean DC Comics made a mistake that will dash what little hope I have left against the rocks of ultimate despair? The third thing is I'm not drunk. I think I should be drunk while reading this. But I have to work tonight. I don't mind driving to each store drunk but it might be a little dangerous operating a floor buffer while intoxicated.

All Star Section Eight begins with a flash back to the Preboot Universe. You can tell it's the Preboot Universe because Superman and Batman have their underwear on the outside of their costumes. Plus the Narration Boxes are describing a time when super heroes were heroic and their battles meant more than just protecting their own lives and reputations.

The Narrator must be Sixpack because he goes on to say how the greatest heroes of the time always talked about the greaterest heroes of the time being Section Eight. That seems a bit farfetched! Unless they were constantly talking about them because they couldn't believe Section Eight actually existed. Especially Bueno Excellente.

And his dong! I didn't know you could show dong in a Teen Plus comic book! This is exciting!

The Narrator mentions a battle where Section Eight fell protecting the world and Sixpack sacrificed himself to save that world. But what happened to Sixpack? Where does the story go from there?

The scene opens on an art gallery in New York's Chelsea district where art critic Sidney Speck amuses the crowds with his bon mots and tales of gauche poseurs of the art scene. One of the guests at the opening mixes up the drink orders. Sidney winds up with a rye and coke instead of the diet coke he ordered. You see, Sidney is an alcoholic! He can't touch alcohol or he becomes...he becomes...he becomes an embarrassment.

I have to imagine one thing the Avengers and Defenders never talk about is how Bruce Banner completely shits and pisses himself every time he transforms into The Hulk.

Sidney rushes over to the bar and chugs a pint of whiskey before coming around and finding himself in his Six Pack costume inside Noonan's with Baytor still tending bar. Hacken is hanging out at the bar. He's still missing a hand which he lost during zombie night at the Gotham Zoo. One of the guys in the crowd looks like Nat the Hat but that would be impossible even if this were a comic book where demons tend bar and seals become zombies and drunks dressed in super hero outfits piss themselves during a minor fugue state in the middle of the dance floor.

But Dogwelder was alive in the Sneak Peek! I think Six Pack might have memories of another universe!

Sixpack mentions that Bueno Excellente is still alive. Of course he is! He was part of Matches Malone's gang in Batman Incorporated!

That's semen. It's possibly Lobo's semen. Or, more probably, Bueno's own semen he felched out of Lobo's ass. That's not a joke. It's a more than likely pretty apt description of Lobo's only encounter with Bueno Excllente.

Sixpack goes through his Little Black Book of Potential Superheroes to audition new members for Section Eight. They're all various Bloodlines characters that didn't make the grade. Basically no Bloodlines characters made the grade except Hitman. Okay, maybe a few had some minor appearances here and there. But DC Comic's grab for trademarks disguised as a huge summer annual crossover really didn't create any hit characters. Except for Hitman! Bloodlines was a pretty shit stunt but since I was reading The Demon at the time and Hitman made his first appearance in The Demon annual, I have to credit it for giving me one of my favorite comic books of all time.

Sixpack's new team is composed of Dogwelder (probably Dogwelder II since the first Dogwelder was, you know, white. Also killed), The Grapplah!, Guts, Bueno Excellente, and Powertool. That's six members! Sixpack just needs two more. Baytor seems pretty excited to join which would leave one last open spot for Batman. Probably.

This might be the most disgusting moment in any comic book ever. At least up until Bueno actually sodomizes Guts.

Batman does indeed drive through the neighborhood so Sixpack runs out to ask him to join. Sixpack also shits himself on the way. Batman doesn't really give Sixpack the attention a drunk man in shit and piss stained pants deserves because he has to deal with a meter maid and an ATM and constant costume changes. Plus he needs a really dramatic moment for McCrea to draw and make some extra cash on the original pencils.

Although to get top dollar, it really needs to have the word balloons added.

Batman does not join Section Eight. But now Sixpack is thinking big! Next issue, it's time to recruit Green Lantern!

Section Eight #1 Rating: This comic book gets Batman exactly right. How have all the other comic books been writing him so poorly for so long?! Overdramatic Batman who must deal with all the same problems of being a person living in a city is Real Batman! I know when I hit an ATM and then head back to my car, I whisper dramatically, "Got to move fast!" Sometimes before I use the ATM, I'll whisper loudly, "One. Last. Chance!" I bet this is the Batman that Catwoman fell in love with! And seeing Bueno Excellente back in action is just as disturbing as I'd hoped it would be.

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