Thursday, June 18, 2015

Bizarro #1

Ha ha! The one is backwards!

This comic book is rated "E" for everyone. Is that a Bizarro rating? Does that mean it's actually not for anybody? I'm disappointed in the rating. I was hoping that Jimmy Olsen was going to introduce Bizarro to the concept of Lot Lizards during their road trips. I guess instead they're just going to have easily palatable adventures on the road. Maybe they'll play license plate Bingo and stop at Sonic for shakes. Then Bizarro will give Jimmy a handie as Jimmy drives which means Bizarro won't give Jimmy a handie because get it? He does the opposite!

I wonder how many reviews of this comic book resorted to talking like Bizarro throughout the review? I'd respect those reviews more than the ones that probably spent the first two or three sentences speaking like Bizarro before calling attention to how confusing it is before going back to their regular, insufferable, boring ass reviews where they say things like, "The art really set the tone in that special way that art sets the tone for the tone of the comic book's tone. And also this sentence says something good about the colorist that I've probably said five bajillion times because how many ways can you say, 'This comic book had colors that were colorful'?"

The issue begins two hours into Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen's road trip. If you haven't read the Sneak Peek, you might be wondering, "Why are Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen on a road trip?" Well, let me fill you in on that! Jimmy likes money and he thinks he can make money by taking Bizarro on a road trip and photographing him in compromising situations.

Jimmy Olsen thinks he can get more than money but since that reward is harder to explain to the younger part of "E is for Everyone," we'll just keep pretending he's only in it for the money. So he can afford prostitutes!

A couple of people are following Jimmy and Bizarro at a discrete distance because Bizarro could be dangerous. They probably work for ARGUS. Or the Daily Planet.

So, two hours out of Metropolis and Bizarro decides to pull out his cock which he calls Colin the Chupacabra. Things don't go well for Jimmy.

Don't worry! The younger Everyones won't understand why Jimmy Olsen is choking to death.

Bizarro's pet Chupacabra looks a lot like a real Chupacabra! I've got a figure of one in my office next to my crystal skull and my Red King. It's not the same color but that's easily explained! My figure is of an actual, historically accurate Chupacabra and Bizarro's Chupacabra is just a raccoon with severe mange.

Bizarro tells the origin story of Colin the Chupacabra. It has a really nice panel that I would use for my banner if Colin's cry had just happened to be "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!" instead of "Shooo-kah!"

Actually, Bonobos are highly sexed so that manholes and bonobos statement is a fuck joke. E for Everyone my not-as-tight-as-it-used-to-be ass!

Jimmy crashes his car into a tree because he had Bizarro's cock lodged in his throat. That means Bizarro is going to have to carry Jimmy's car to Canada. Or maybe just to a garage in Smallville which must be two hours outside Metropolis. Or maybe it's Bizarro Two Hours outside Metropolis! That makes more sense. I think.

This issue is called "Bizarro America: Part 6" because six is the opposite of one.

At a diner, Jimmy Olsen gets wind of a used car lot run by King Tut! Oh no! That's just like the name of that super villain in Batman '66 that I always found super boring so I usually changed the channel when he was in an episode even if that meant I might miss Lost in Space after Batman was over.

King Tut has a daughter who is drawn very sexily for an E is for Everyone cartoon character. She has two boobs and a crotch which seems a bit much for the younger readers. Plus she has a Queen Tut costume that I can't wait to see her wearing because it would really bring out her intelligence and give her a sense of agency!

Jimmy takes his car to be fixed by King Tut but he might get more than he bargained for!

Like seeing girl penis!

King Tut's daughter Regina is too sexy to be flirting with Jimmy Olsen. She must be trying to set him up so that her father can knock him down and Jimmy will end up with a beautiful car and thousands of dollars in debt. Also the car will probably be a lemon.

While Jimmy and Bizarro take photos for Jimmy's future coffee table book, Regina quits the car lot so she can follow her dream of making artisanal chocolate. That's super sexy, right? Her father doesn't seem to care because he's praying to Egyptian Gods. He makes contact with them and receives the Staff of Ra. Except he doesn't realize the Gods were just aliens fucking around with him as they search for their pal, Ch'ck the Chupacabra.

I think I like Regina better in her street clothes.

Jimmy's car won't be fixed until the next day so he and Bizarro head to a motel for the night. It only has one vacancy left so they share a bed. Bizarro dreams of happy people loving him and viewing him as a hero. He's surrounded by unicorns and rainbows and kittens. Bizarro is a truly happy creature. Jimmy doesn't dream of anything because he's ensorcelled and sleep walks over to King Tut's Slightly Used Car Oasis to purchase a car along with every other citizen in Smallville. It's up to Bizarro to save the day and keep everybody from driving away happily in a nearly brand new car of their literal dreams! Get it? Literal because they're all still sleeping!

Bizarro #1 Rating: 7.5 Non-Backwards Stars out of Ten. This is no Vertigo title but it's pretty much what it sold itself to be in the Sneak Peek. It's silly and cartoony and a bit of comic book fun. Plus it had a Chupacabra and Aliens in it. But it wasn't "ha ha ha I'm busting my nuts" funny so it only gets a slightly above average score for keeping me entertained for an hour or so. I imagine it's the kind of comic book that can be read in three minutes though and then it would seem like an awful lot of money for such a minor distraction! If that's the case, I recommend you read it three or four more times. Also try to remember when you read it that the Twix Advertisement is not part of the story. I know it looks like it is but trust me! It is not!

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