Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Wonder Woman Annual #1

This cover is not interesting in the least. It doesn't show any of Wonder Woman's best features! Like, um, her bravery and dedication to hugging it out!

The New DCyou is the Universe YOU, the fans, have been asking for! Which is why Wonder Woman is soon going to be at war with the Amazons lead by the most unrecognizable version of Donna Troy ever conceived! This is going to be so exciting! And nothing like that bullshit New 52 version of Wonder Woman where Azzarello made her the daughter of a man! Pee-yuke! This version of Wonder Woman is an incompetent leader full of self-doubt who needs constant advice from the male members of the Justice League before deciding on any course of action! Hugging it out with Aquaman's teddy bear is also one way she copes with the stress in her life. The way things are going, I bet this whole internal crisis she's struggling with turns out to be caused by her fear that she might never become a mother! Or PMS!

If you're not into Meredith Finch's perfect characterization of Wonder Woman, you can ogle Wonder Woman's perfectly sexy adult body attached to a fourteen year old face drawn so creepily by David Finch. It's hard pretending that rubbing one out to a beautiful fourteen year old is difficult, right adult male Wonder Woman fans?! But it is nice that David Finch understands your penchant for child pornography and gives you a legal out to pursue it, amirite?!

The issue begins in the Lair of the Bug Queen where Wonder Woman was having a discussion about how humans need to let the Bug People eat them because it's just the nature of the Bug People and how dare humans judge their culture. Fucking Bugophobes. The Bug Person that Wonder Woman flipped during the fight for no reason is nowhere to be seen. He probably wandered off to chew on his wounds until he killed himself because bugs aren't smart. They're like medieval surgeons!

Wonder Woman is still doubting herself which has been a staple of the character since William Moulton Marston created her. He would often have her save a bondage club and then think, "I wonder if I'll be able to orgasm by sticking this knobbed flail up my cooter?" It's why she was called Wonder Woman in the first place! Because her self-doubt was her most notable trait and she often wondered if she could ever be successful at or sexually fulfilled by any of her endeavors. Now Diana is pondering the possibility that she is the cause of the Bug People being true to their nature. Such a white guilty way of thinking!

"Oh! Trapped?! I don't want to blame any victims on accident here! You go ahead and keep eating all the people you want!"

I hope Wonder Woman decides she needs a bath after this encounter! I could sure use a double page splash of her getting into the tub!

I haven't turned to the second page yet but it looks like Wonder Woman is going to feel the need to help the Bug People which is more than she's felt she's needed to do with the Amazons. And she'll be able to help them without risk to Earth because if you were reading closely, you'll remember how Wonder Woman began this comic calling the Queen "this alien queen" even though no mention of the Bug People being anything but creatures of Inner Earth was made prior to that moment. Perhaps she's just calling her "alien" because she's so different from anything Wonder Woman has ever known. But I bet she means "alien" as in the Bug People are from space and have been trapped on Earth and could use some help getting off of Earth where they can go back to their home planet where they eat people that Wonder Woman doesn't have to care about.

Those damnable solar flares! So much trouble!

Wonder Woman argues that crashing on Earth a million years ago is no excuse for being hungry. I'm surprised that Superman has allowed Diana to speak for the team for so long! Shouldn't he be telling her that this is a job for a man now...a Superman! I haven't seen Batman for a few panels either. I wonder if he's sneaking up behind the Queen so he can break her neck. She just revealed that she's an alien and I think Batman is allowed to kill aliens, especially if they're bugs from space.

The alien world is called Gaea and nobody here raises an eyebrow?!

Meanwhile on Paradise Island where Wonder Woman's attention should be turned, the sons of the Amazons are being slaughtered by their mothers and sisters. Probably. At least that was what was happening last issue. I suppose I'll turn the page soon enough and see a double page splash of a bunch of smooth-skinned fourteen year old girls standing amidst the corpses of a bunch of weary, battered looking men. So after Wonder Woman helps these murderous Bug People return to their home planet where they can murder to their heart's content, Wonder Woman can head back to Paradise Island where she'll start a war because how dare the Amazons murder! It's not like it's in their nature where it could be excused!

Cyborg checks out the ship and he's all, "Oh yeah. This ride can be systematic...hydromatic...why couldn't it be Greased Lightning?!" Then Superman sings something about chicks creaming and Batman sings something about getting lots of tit and The Flash sings something about pussy wagons. The Bug Queen says, "Thank you!" Wonder Woman is all, "No problem! I feel like what you really needed was to not be judged for slaughtering whole villages around the globe. What you really needed was a hug and a step up, sister! Now I'm off to Paradise Island to judge my real sisters and punish them because they've completely worn out all of their hugs."

If only this were a double page splash, I would have nailed my prediction! I should have known better. This was too grim for a sexy double page splash. Who would want to buy the original art of sexy Amazons standing amidst a bunch of corpses. Way too hard to rub one out with all those dead eyes staring at your hidden shame.

Wonder Woman, stop being an arrogant prick. You are not the arbiter of everything. These men had a home. They had a perfectly acceptable adopted home with Hephaestus. You might have thought of Hephaestus's world as a slave labor camp for lost boys but at least they were learning a trade! And they were alive! Although maybe I should stop trying to shame Wonder Woman for trying to desegregate the Amazon world because I'm really beginning to take the side of racist Americans during the civil rights years. I think I need a double page splash of me entering the shower now!

According to the story about how the Amazons became pregnant with all those unwanted boys, they are, in fact, murderers.

I know how you can deal with the murderous Amazons, Diana! Send them off to the resort planet of Gaea along with the murderous Bug People! Justice!

Wonder Woman heads immediately to Donna Troy's throne room to confront her. It's like how she was in that throne room earlier with the murderous Bug Queen whom she found compassion for! But this time is different! Donna Troy wasn't acting on her nature so she needs to be put down like a wild animal that would have been acting on its nature and thus wouldn't have to be put down so maybe I should have come up with a more appropriate simile.

Did she call herself that? I'd go back through the last few issues to determine the veracity of that statement but I can't bring myself to reread any Meredith Finch Wonder Woman comic books.

I hope this fight lasts for most of the comic book so I can just skim the pages quickly. I will be paying attention for some really good wank panels though! Maybe I should start up a new Tumblr called Wank Panels! I bet it would get loads and loads of positive attention and nobody would find it disgusting or inappropriate at all! Although it is possible that the feminist message would be too subtle!

Here's a good one!

We finally get a double page splash during the fight because that wasn't entirely predictable or anything.

Donna Troy needs to appeal to Wonder Woman's sense of justice by saying something like how she was abused as a small lump of unformed clay, or how she couldn't help murdering all those men because it's an inherent tenet of her feminist credo that men who hide in the bushes by the Amazon hot springs and jerk off into holes in the ground must be put to death for participating in Clay Rape Culture. Then Wonder Woman will stop and think up a way to hug Donna Troy for justice.

Wonder Woman cuts off Donna Troy's arm but it's no big deal. Donna just reattaches it and keeps fighting. It's one of the benefits of being fully formed from clay! And she doesn't even need glue because she's still the wet, malleable kind of clay. What Wonder Woman needs to do is shove Donna Troy in an oven so she becomes super fragile and can easily be broken by being bumped by a basketball.

Donna Troy gets the upper hand after reattaching her arm because that's symbolic or something. She points out how hugging and love and justice are weak and she's not weak at all! She's the opposite of weak! She never hugs at all! And then when she's about to strike down Wonder Woman, David Finch produces another double page splash. But he really framed it poorly because he could have gotten a ton of money for the original art if he'd just opened up the right margin some.

What a missed opportunity, Dave! How do you expect to be the number one artist at Wank Panels with teases like this?!

Wonder Woman plays the "I feel sorry for you" card which always works to make the antagonist pause in self-reflection. I always hate that moment in movies where the bad guy is somehow shamed by the pure goodness of the protagonist. They're bad guys for a reason! At least when Luke pulls that shit on Darth Vader, he's got a sentimental and familial attachment that motivates his turning on the Emperor. And it works here as well but only because Wonder Woman has a lasso of truth to force Donna Troy to confront the reasons for how awful she is. She can't help it! She was made that way.

Wonder Woman captures Donna Troy and hauls her off to face justice. Hopefully it involves some kind of public display of bondage to humiliate her! It's off to a good start what with Donna Troy being bound up in Diana's lasso. Diana hauls her out in front of the other Amazons to give a speech about how people will be punished! They will be tied up and spanked and called weak and kissed roughly, right in front of all of the other Amazons! Plus Wonder Woman explains what Amazons are meant to be so we, the readers, can start off the DCyou unconfused about them.

She's a sinner! She's a saint!

The old woman that caused all of this trouble, Donna Troy's sculptor (I wanted to say "thrower" but felt that was a bit too ambiguous even if it's more correct), tries to murder Wonder Woman as she speechifies. But an Amazon whose name I don't remember (and I'm not even sure I should), throws a sword into Derinoe and murders her. But this is the good kind of murder, so she'll probably receive a hug for it. Amazon laws are confusing!

And that's it! No war breaks out. The Amazons who were against Diana concede that they were actually the problem and that maybe they should be punished. They're sent to Hephaestus's slave labor camp while Donna Troy is sent to a prison in Olympus. A new law is established that no male boy born on Paradise Island will ever again be thrown off of a cliff. Although how many babies are being born on the island? Aren't the Amazons immortal? And haven't they stopped having children since they don't go on those murderous, rapey sea raids anymore? I think this is just another useless law on the books!

And that's the end of the main story! I guess the Alien Bug People found their way home to Gaea with Cyborg and the Thunderbirds' help. Next up, a short story with art by Goran Sudzuka! That might help fool me into believing this backup story is well-written!

The back-up story is about Derinoe so the reader can understand why she was such a bitter evil Amazon! I hope it's not because that's her nature or else we'll have to let her off the hook. Hopefully she was just betrayed by love because a broken heart isn't an excuse to be a dick to everybody else. I think.

Many centuries ago, Hippolyta and Derinoe were frienefits. That means exactly what you think it means if you think it means something sexy that, as a male, I shouldn't be finding sexy because I'm making it about me and not about two women in love with each other. On the day this story takes place, Hippolyta's mother, Hippohippolyta, is meeting with the Spartans on Paradise Island. I bet the Spartans are going to act like pigs which will explain why Derinoe can't stand the idea of men on Paradise Island! And when I say "act like pigs," I actually mean "act like rapists" and I should probably apologize to pigs for implying that they'd ever commit a heinous act such as rape. They just love to root around in the mud and eat corpses. Nothing wrong with that!

The Spartans poison the Queen which causes Hippolyta to become Queen which causes her relationship with Derinoe to end. So she was betrayed by love! And men! And poisoned wine! I bet the whole Donna Troy story would have taken place in nearly the exact same way if Diana had opened a vineyard and winery on Paradise Island!

Derinoe saves Hippolyta's life from Hecate but turns into an old woman in the process. After that she spends centuries stalking Hippolyta and resenting her for having sex with a man. That's why she hated Wonder Woman! She was a reminder of horrible, untrustworthy, cowardly penis! Ptui! The end!

Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: If you really love a version of Wonder Woman that is atypical of the version of Wonder Woman most people love, you'll love this Wonder Woman! Although now that Meredith Finch's first training story is over, and DC Comics has entered the Fabled DCyou Period, perhaps things will change and this book will become a wonderful voice for feminism! And since David Finch is drawing it, we can be assured of many, many Wank Panels! So something for everybody!

No comments:

Post a Comment