Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #2

The Ray is the greatest Escher Girl of them all.

I stared at this for at least thirty seconds wondering where Black Condor was. My brain simply assumed the central figure was Uncle Sam and it wouldn't budge from its assumption. Part of the problem was that my eyes couldn't be bothered to scan the entire cover when it had Phantom Lady's boobs and crotch to stare at. I wonder if the Human Bomb wears anything under his outfit? Probably but I bet it's just a condom.

Last issue promised that this issue would feature a huge three-way. So get ready to see some hot Freedom Fighter on Brother Eye Cyborg on Nazi action!

There it is! It's all downhill from here!

That splash page takes places about two minutes before the cover. They're practically the same picture of Phantom Lady's boobs and crotch! Not that I'm complaining!

I was wrong about the "two minutes" part of my statement. When I turned the page, the very next panel has the Freedom Fighters standing around victorious. Unless "two minutes" is the average time between panels in large scale super hero battles.

The Silver Ghost shows up to discuss the prospects of The Freedom Fighters getting into bed with him. He says he has some compelling evidence as to why they should and that evidence is not his massive cock.

Nazi, Plastic Man. The perfect Nazi! That definition doesn't describe American Soldiers because that definition wasn't "Hero. Absolute hero. Shut up, you communist asstard! I said 'hero' and I mean 'hero' and you can't be ambiguous about it by bringing reality into the conversation because all American soldiers are heroes and that's the end of it!"

The Freedom Fighters join forces with Silver Ghost and the Nazis because I guess the Freedom Fighters don't fight for freedom as much as they'd like people to think they do. You never team up with the Nazis! Ever! Even if the fate of everything relies on holding hands with Hitler and skipping down to the pond to feed some ducks, you don't do it! Although if the only choices to save the world were to either team up with Hitler or to burn an American flag, obviously you team up with Hitler. According to a huge percentage of Americans, there is nothing worse than burning the American flag. How dare somebody disrespect the symbol of all those American soldiers that we just love to ship off overseas to die so we can engage in ill-fated hero worship and not feel guilty about living a life of materialism and narcissism.

Plastic Man and The Silver Ghost and Cyborg Superman's head march off to find Brother Eye so they can destroy him. The rest of the Freedom Fighters remain behind to reenact Starship Troopers. Brother Eye turns out to be a great big factory slash womb in the heart of Futures End New York City.

See?! Never team up with a Nazi! Freedom hating Schweinehunde!

I feel like calling a Nazi a "Schweinehund" would be a major insult since they seemed to be so concerned with racial purity and what's less pure than a pig that is also a dog! That's so American!

While Plastic Man realizes he's on his own against the Future End Cyborgs (and worse, probably! Silver Ghost probably wants to team up with them so that Brother Eye could become "The German Word for 'Brother'" Auge!), The Ray notices some strange attacking ships on the horizon: Cyborg Warwheels! Oh no! How can they compete against Cyborg Warwheels?! If only the Nazis had a Warwheel of their own!

Apparently Earth-Nazi doesn't have a Warwheel of its own because it won the war. The Nazi Warwheel only came to prominence when the post-World War II Nazis were desperate to regain their national prominence. But a Nazi Warwheel wasn't needed anyway because Plastic Man accidentally blows up the Factory Slash Womb Slash Queen Ant Slash Cyborg Leader thing. Then the earthquake hits and the cyborg city blows up for some reason. Probably because it doesn't matter how these stories end so why not just get rid of all that fucking Futures End bullshit in one fell swoop. But Plastic Man lives, of course! As do Black Condor and Dollman and Phantom Lady's superb costume! Uncle Sam never makes an appearance because he was probably shaving and getting a haircut during the battle. He sure was a mess after a year under the dome without an infusion of Patriotism.

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #2 Rating: 6.5 Hippies out of 10. I really liked McCrea's artwork! It reminds me that I'm reading a comic book! Sometimes when I'm reading about a guy that can change shape as he battles a Nazi regime that won World War II, I forget that I'm not reading a Time Life book about the history of the world.

Divergence: Harley Quinn
"It's orientation day for Harley's new team of amazing assistants, the Gang of Harleys--and that means it's time to hand out code names! (Readers with severe pun allergies are advised to put this comic book down now, before it's too late.)"

Hey DC! Shouldn't you try to maintain continuity even in these weird Divergence introductions?! Because now you've set up a world where sometimes you have spaces before and after the em dash and sometimes you don't! Which is it going to be?! This is as confusing as Donna Troy's origin!

Remember when the word "piss" was one of those words people were supposed to pretend didn't exist? How did it become embraced by the more prudish masses while cunt and fuck and cocksucker and motherfucker remain outside the fence, gripping the chainlink with their stubby little fingers as tears of loneliness fall down their cheeks as they watch as piss and tits and asshole and even dirty old shit being embraced by conformity?

Harley gives stupid and probably racist names to all the members of her gang. She also explains all the boroughs of New York for those of us who live on the West Coast and don't give a pig-dog's ass about New York City.