Saturday, June 6, 2015

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #2

Yay! This is my last Tangent Universe comic book! I hate those guys!

Hate is such a strong word. Which is why I used it!

The main battle in this comic book is over Cyborg's power source. The Dumb Patrol want it so they can build a time machine and go back home. The New Teen Titans want it because Cyborg can't live without it. And he's so young with so many more boners to give to Changeling.

I hope the battle takes a seat to the real mystery here: is Jericho gay? If Kole were throwing herself at me, the insides of my jeans would be sticky! For some reason that I won't go into although if you're young and you have no idea what I'm talking about, it probably involves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Last issue ended with Firehawk sending an chat message over her computer to Nightwing. That alone was more unbelievable than a cosmic entity stealing a bunch of cities out of space and time just to make them fight each other. This issue begins with the two of them speaking on their Bluetooth headsets which is only slightly more believable. What kind of roaming charges are they getting?!

I interrupt my commentary for this breaking news! Nightwing has a theory! Repeat! Details at ten! I mean, Nightwing has a theory! Your only news at four AM because no other local channel is fucking insane! Here's a white guy with shiny white teeth with our story!

Shiny White Teeth: "Thanks attractive woman with above average sized breasts! Earlier, Nightwing was seen swinging through Gotham speaking with Firehawk. We overheard his theory about what happened to our city!"

"Holy zip! What a revelation!"

Attractive Woman With Above Average Sized Breasts: "Can you believe that?! He thinks all the cities were transported to this world by who knows who! What a startling revelation! We'll keep you up-to-date on this breaking story! Now weather with either a wacky black male or a sexy Asian female!"

While Nightwing chats up Firehawk because she seems far more controllable than that crazed Tamarranean he's currently married to (and this version of Nightwing is all about control because he's yet to step out from the shadow of Batman's Way), the rest of the Titans are attacked by the rest of the Dumb Patrol.

"Here's the plan! I'll shoot Starfire in the tits while you over-explain your powers! Just ignore the gay guy with the sideburns and don't make eye contact with him! He's creepy!"

The New Teen Titans don't do anything to defend themselves. Kole is the most proactive trying to encase Star Sapphire in her crystal. But Starfire does nothing, probably because Nightwing shamed her so much for using her powers. And Cyborg just gets shot and lies down. Gar turns into a gorilla, runs into Jericho, and nearly kills him. And that's about the extent of the fight.

One interesting note: Kole calls Jericho "Joe." She's not even related to him and she knows his name! Slade and Rose Wilson are assholes over in Deathstroke. They can't even bother to learn a family member's name. But then Marv Wolfman is writing this issue. I'd expect him to know Jericho isn't Joseph Wilson's real name whereas I just figure Tony S. Daniel can't be bothered to learn anything about the characters he's writing. He never has before and DC Comics keeps giving him writing jobs. Somebody needs to realize he should just keep to doing art. But I guess if he's not writing, how can he be assured to have two or three double splash pages in every issue?! Those original sketches can make him beaucoup bucks on the art market!

Tangent Rampage takes off on his Tangent Space Motorcycle with Cyborg over his shoulder as Kory finally gets into a battle frenzy. As she's murdering the Dumb Patrol leader, Firehawk's mom (whatever her name is!), Kole makes a pass at Jericho.

He's signing, "No, I won't fuck you, you ignorant slut."

Tangent Star Sapphire returns and calls Firehawk's mom "Doomsday," so that mystery is solved! They fly off while Starfire kneels on the ground watching and saying, "I should have killed her! Now there is no way I can follow her with the rest of the team because fuck Vic! We're a little bit sore after that tussle!" Nightwing and Wonder Girl arrive to shake their heads at the room full of failure.

Later on the roof of STAR Labs, Kory yells at Dick for keeping her true nature stifled. She's a murderer and he just won't let her murder! What a controlling, sexist pig! How come everything has to be his way? She points out that they're no longer on Earth so maybe there are different laws. Dick doesn't point out that they're still in Gotham so they still have to follow Gotham's laws, if there are any. Although according to Preboot Swamp Thing #52 or something, Gotham has laws against humans having sex outside of their species. So Nightwing is breaking that one two or three times a month. That's a lot of sex, right?

Pretty soon Gar starts crying and everybody gets really uncomfortable and Dick doesn't have the heart to mention that Vic is probably being vivisected right about now so the Dumb Patrol can get at his power source. Instead he wastes more time thinking. Maybe he trusts Firehawk more than he should and he's hoping she solves his problem. She has his phone number! If she's as good a person as she claimed to be, she can call him with directions to Vic's body.

Meanwhile Kole keeps trying to get laid because I guess when somebody signs "no," it doesn't actually mean no!

Firehawk confronts her mother about how she attacked the Titans but Firehawk doesn't pick up a phone or send a message to Nightwing because I guess she's an asshole after all. But Gar figures out where Cyborg is through some technological mumbo jumbo that doesn't really make sense but it allows for the Teen Titans to engage in some drama as they chew the scenery trying to figure out how they'll save Cyborg. What would really make sense is that Cyborg, being over half machine, would have some kind of way to be traced by the others. I guess that's too difficult. But email between different networks from alternate universes is easy.

There's your answer, Kory! Just ditch this prick until he becomes likeable in about ten or twenty years.

The Teen Titans track down Cyborg where Kory gets a rematch against Doomsday where she doesn't kill her again. But this time she gets to act self-righteous and be all, "'m not going to kill you because Dick told me not to kill! I mean, for my own reasons like that one cliche one...what was it again? Oh yeah! I don't want to become you! Burnzinga!"

If you couldn't tell, I sprained my eyes rolling them during that scene.

Starfire turns her back on Doomsday so she can go make out with Dick who can finally love her now that she's declared she won't kill for him. Aww! Young love with conditions! It's so romantic!

Doomsday's heart grows three sizes and she agrees to work with the Titans to save every single life in every single time across all dimensions forever. I don't know how she's going to manage it but I'm sure it will all come together in the end. Nobody any where in any time should ever die. And by working together, we can put an end to the evil of death!

But guys. Let's really get moving on that because I'm forty-three!

The earthquake hits, the Doom Patrol disappears, and a single star lights up the sky. I bet it's Oracle!

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #2 Rating: 7 Kids Signing Cookie out of Ten. This issue was probably enjoyable for uncritical Teen Titans fans. I mean, Starfire and Nightwing kissed! And Kole and Jericho kissed! And Changeling and Cyborg probably kissed when they disappeared in the last act for a few pages. It was full of romance! And ultimatums!

Divergence: Robin: Son of Batman
"Follow the adventures of the most deadly Robin of them all, Damian Wayne, as he travels the world with his pet were-bat!"

This Sneak Peek introduces us to Damian Wayne's friend, Goliath. He's a huge were-bat from who knows where. Bat. Ahem. Pardon.

I guess Damain is traveling the world on the back of a bat? Okay. I hope I still like Damian when he's not written by Peter Tomasi and when he isn't trying to get his father's love and approval. This might just be a rich, dick, snobby asshole traveling the world just like every other twenty-something American that believes they're experiencing life and finding themselves and living life way better than all those other people who aren't doing exactly what they're doing. Obviously if you make a choice to live a certain way, that's the best way possible and anybody not doing the same thing is a stupid moron who is wasting their life away.

Damian probably won't be like that. He'll probably just kill people and find more pets for the Batcave. I guess this is what Damian needs to do while Bruce is on vacation with the Joker?

Finally some guy in a mask with lots of eyes spies on Damian while talking to himself about Years of Blood and Atonement and Heroics and Batmans. It might be Nobody but damned if I can remember what the guy actually looked like. He's supposed to be dead but this is Comic Books! So, you know. Death has no place here! I wish I lived in a comic book.

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