Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Batman and Robin Annual #2

I can't tell if that's Dick Grayson or Jason Todd.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. Dammit, Peter J. Tomasi, you are not going to make me cry again! So don't even try to make this story touching! You can make it funny but not touching, okay? I don't want to feel closer to any of these stupid characters!

This issue begins with Nightwing sitting on the ledge of a building hanging out with Damian. Fuck. That's not a good sign at all! Where are my tissues? Oh yeah! Over there next to the lotion. Okay, Tomasi! I'm prepared for whatever you can dish out!

"Perfected?" No, Damian, I think the words you're looking for might be "twisted" and "abused."

Meanwhile in the present (not the actual present but the part of time after Damian was killed due to parental negligence and before Forever Evil began), Bruce Wayne finds a secret hideout in the ceiling of one of the rooms in Wayne Mansion with a sign inside saying, "The Robin Cave. No Bats or Butlers Allowed." Inside the Robin Cave, Bruce found a package. And he calls over Dick Grayson so they can all open it together. I bet it's another one of Batman's tests to see if Nightwing will cry before he does!

I bet he farted in a jar!

Actually, it's probably evidence on Tusk's whereabouts since Dick mentioned, in his long boring story, that he'll probably never know what happened to Tusk. So of course Damian wants to prove to Nightwing that he's the better Robin and was able to track Tusk down. Oh! Knowing Damian, it's probably just one of Tusk's Tusks! Or his penis.

Dick decides to let Bruce in on the joke so he tells him the long, boring story that he told Damian a few months ago. And Peter J. Tomasi decides to charge me $4.99 to hear this long, boring story! Jerko!

The story is boring too! At least for Dick since his first night as Robin, Batman only lets him sit back and watch. Wow, Batman is kinkier than I thought! And when Dick gets involved and stops a thug that ran off to notify Tusk's secretary that they lured out The Batman, Batman loses his wood and gets pissed off. The watcher never gets involved, Dick! You crossed a fucking line, man! I get that you're only sixteen and you don't understand Voyeur Fuck Etiquette but Batman told you the rules! And you broke them. I suppose he's going to have to bind you to your viewing spot next time. Do you want that? I mean, I kind of want that. I bet Batman would want that too.

Yeah, Batman sends him to bed anyway. With a spanking.

When are they going to open Damian's secret package?!

Oh wait! I'm not going to scan the panel of Batman sending Dick to bed but I think I need to at least scan the spanking!

I know, I know. Not as sexy as you pictured it but still pretty painful.

I hate when Peter Tomasi is writing a Batman and Robin book. Because I scan a page and then get ready to make some kind of joke about the next page but then just want to scan that page too! I've said it before while reading a Tomasi Batman and Robin Annual: just go fucking read it yourself! I admit that a lot of my commentaries are better than the actual New 52 comic I'm commenting on. But not when Tomasi is writing Batman and Robin relationship stuff. He nails this shit. And he'd never resort to saying something as bland and as trite as "he nails this shit!" But what's even better than his Batman and Robin? His Alfred Pennyworth sass! He gives great sassy Alfred.

I like how Dick has yet to discover that Alfred is not just another butler.

The next night, Dick tries to convince Batman to let him try again. But Batman refuses, thinking that telling Dick "no" will be enough to keep him at home. He probably should have taken all of his clothes away as well. Leaving him to sulk in his Robin costume is simply asking him to follow. Even I think Batman is expecting Dick to ignore his orders and hit the streets on his own! Maybe that's Batman's plan. And he's expecting Dick to just watch after sneaking out of the house. Batman knows he'll arrive on the scene and probably fake being in trouble to see if Robin jumps in or just watches like a good, vigilant, hard-bodied boy should.

Except it all goes down differently, of course. Not the part about Batman knowing what Robin is up to! Of course Batman wasn't fooled into believing Dick would stay home! But the other things are different. You know, the details. Like how Dick told Batman about the diversion but not about what Tusk was really up to while Batman was busy elsewhere.

Does Robin really think a teenaged boy in a yellow cape and red corset is really going to frighten the criminals in the same way a full grown man in a bat costume does? Ridiculous!

No wait! THIS is ridiculous!

Now I'm completely convinced that Damian's box will have one or two tusks inside of it! And maybe a few penises.

Batman arrives to save the day because, as I pointed out with my affinity for pointing out parts of comic book plots that are completely obvious, Batman knew Robin was a big fat liar. Also, Batman doesn't completely save the day. Maybe because, like I said earlier as well, he's just playing at being a lousy super hero to see if Robin simply watches or acts. Batman might want Robin to act now which could send a confusing message to the kid. Does he save Batman before they're thrown out of a helicopter and into a river or does he standby and watch as they die because Batman told him to? Tough decisions!

Robin decides he should save the day and risk being grounded because it's better than not saving the day and risk being dead. He kicks off Tusk's tusk and knocks him into the river. And since Tusk was alive and screaming as he fell out of the helicopter, Dick didn't kill him! Remember the Bat-family No Kill Technicality Statement? As long as Tusk was alive when he dropped out of Robin's sight, Tusk's death is not on Robin's hands! He should have learned to swim! Or how to hit the water from a great height without breaking all of his bones! Idiot.

Knocking a guy into a river from a great height is one thing; shooting somebody with a gun with all the ballistic evidence linking the shooter to the crime is another.

Batman takes control of the helicopter and flies back to the city while discussing the Parent/Child Obviousness Index and where each of them fall.

I bet he also makes tea better. And cleans toilets better. And folds shirts better.

So Dick finishes his story and he opens up the box to find Tusk's other Tusk and a note that reads, "Hey, old Robin. Got him. Let me know if you need any more of my help taking down your bad guys. --Damian." So even dead, Damian is still proving he's the best Robin. I can't wait until he comes back from the dead so he can lord that over the others as well. Except for Jason Todd, of course.

Batman and Robin Annual #2 Rating: Ha ha, Peter J. Tomasi! You didn't make me cry! Not at all! Nice story and a nice change of pace though. I'm glad to get these glimpses of Batman's time with his early Robins.

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