Scooby Apocalypse #12

This Velman pose makes my butt wet.

The Review!
This month, the Scooby Gang are in Portland! I should probably annotate that with the state (Oregon) because I don't want to piss off all them Maine Portland fans who are all "Ayuh! Yuh reap what yuh sow!" Now I've probably pissed off a whole other set of fans who are furiously typing into the comments section "That was Bangor or Castle Rock you're thinking...excuse me while I push my nerd glasses up higher on my nose in an aggressively intellectual pause...of!" I hate fangenders of every kind! Why are they so mad when I shit all over their favorite thing?! My asshole has opinions that can't be stopped by anything short of Velma's finger! Or two fingers. Maybe three. Mmm. You know what? Let's try four!

Oh. Excuse me. According to the location box, they're in Seattle. I was just confused since the freeway signs indicate they're in Portland.

Shaggy and Fred makes sure to have the "It's so incredibly hard to believe but we're becoming friends!" conversation on page three before all the cynical readers snort and think, "I can't believe they're all becoming friends!" It's been twelve issues of the same argument between Velma and Daphne so I'm just relieved that Keith and J.M. are declaring that that part of the story has been resolved. No more arguing about whose fault the worldwide plague is (because it was Velma's). Now it's time to become the meddling kids we all knew and loved for a few years of our lives before we realized Scrappy Doo was an insufferable bastard.

The Scooby Gang are in Seattle (or on their way? No, no. I think they're supposed to be in Seattle and not just about to drive over the I-5 bridge in Portland no matter what the visual evidence says) to find Rufus, Velma's brother. Supposedly he can help in some way that was explained earlier but I wasn't paying attention because I was typing "NSFW VELMA" into my search window.

Velma's brother is a caricature of some famous person that I just can't put my finger on. Captain Kangaroo, maybe? Rufus has attracted the love and adoration of Seattle's most monstrous and disgusting inhabitants. I feel like that's a clue to the person Rufus is supposed to represent. A demagogue with monstrous followers? That could still be Captain Kangaroo!

Velma and the gang (minus Fred who was forced to sit in the Mystery Machine because he had a broken leg and also because he wouldn't stop hitting on Daphne and we're not to the part of the patriarchal wet dream story where the beautiful woman eventually gives in to the loser protagonist and declares that she also loves him) make it up to Rufus's office, knock on the door, and announce themselves. Rufus is all, "Say hello to my little friend (who is actually kind of big and sort of sawed-off!)"

The Scrappy Doo back-up story takes place in Walnut Creek, California (which means it's probably happening in Oakland). Scrappy meets a one-armed kid named Cliffy and puts a leash on him. Now Scrappy has somebody to talk to that isn't a snarling cybernetic dog-thing.

The Ranking!
No change! If you like Scooby Doo but want to read something that doesn't have the heart or feeling of the original cartoon series but has characters who solve their problems with violence who share the names of characters from the cartoon who solved their problems with logic and deduction, you'll love this comic book! Also if you don't like Scooby Doo but like those things I listed. Actually, your relationship with the original Scooby Doo has no bearing on what you'll think of this comic book since it has no bearing on the cartoon.

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #4

Can we call a moratorium on using The Vitruvian Man as the basis for comic book covers?

If the basis for this cover wasn't Vitruvian Man and was instead some kind of nod toward the endless cycle of the Hindu universe, I apologize. I'm only suggesting it might be that because of the six arms thing. Now I wish Jesus had had six arms. I bet they would have gone with a different method of execution. Happy Easter!

I hate when I'm eating chocolate covered graham crackers and I wipe my lips with a napkin and it looks like I just wiped my ass with it. I also hate when the same thing happens after rimming someone.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm excited to read this comic book. I say that because sometimes I pretend to be excited about things I'm not excited about. It helps me get through the day without becoming an adult who throws a tantrum. Unless it's one of those days when I'm pretending to be excited about throwing a tantrum in Starbucks. That's an entirely different story.

I hope this series ends with Captain Atom encountering Doctor Manhattan on Mars. No wait! I hope it ends just after that when they're fucking.

I should probably point out that this is an adult rated commentary! Maybe I don't need to add that warning. How many kids actually read things on the web? There's video in them thar hills! (The video is the gold and the hills are the Internet!)

Captain Atom has been told by the military to go on television and tell the public that he's not a tool of the military. He also demonstrates that he's the opposite of the terrible Captain Atom everybody remembers from J.T. Krul's run at the beginning of The New 52. Instead of leaking radiation everywhere and being a danger to everybody, he absorbs radiation and is friend to all animals! Hooray!

"I can't put my finger on why it looks like they're both pondering the situation?" I think as I stroke my chin and ponder the situation.

Captain Atom, in his civilian identity of Cameron Scott, has hired a detective to find his son. She has a robot leg so wounded vets have a character with which to identify. This turns out to intersect with one of my hobbyhorses:

Close-up shots of women's legs while wearing skirts!

Captain Atom's first mission as a government tool is to figure out why a man being put to death who was hit by one of Captain Atom's Quantum Tantrum Blasts has remained in a stasis field for five years. His name is Max Thrane and I bet he winds up taking some kind of stupid super villain name like Max Power!

A STAR Labs scientist is on the scene to explain how they know the things they know about the "Temporal Warp Bubble." See, they know time is stopped inside the bubble because Max Thrane hasn't grown any facial hair! But even though time has stopped, his heart is still beating, though slowed down exponentially. Yes, he said exponentially. I have doubts he means it in the literal sense. He probably just means "slowed down a lot!" Which means maybe he should have said it's slowed down logarithmically? I'm beginning to doubt this scientist's scientific credentials. You can't just say he's from STAR Labs and get me to buy into his nonsense!

Max Thrane manages to absorb a bunch of Captain Atom's power and escape his Temporal Warp Bubble. He also escapes the prison. What he most likely doesn't escape is the plot to this comic book. I'm sure Captain Atom will hunt him down and defeat him in the rematch.

Captain Atom's detective tracks down Captain Atom's kid and his name is Genji. Which reminds me it's time to play Overwatch! Goodbye!

The Ranking!
No change! Captain Atom may have had trouble tracking down Genji but Dr. Megala has been keeping an eye on him and experimenting on him in secret for years. So far, he hasn't shown any signs of being a superhero. But I'm sure that will change when his dad tries to hug him and he's all, "Where were you when I was growing up?! DADDY ISSUES!" Then his Quantum Pilot Light will flare up and he'll be Captain Atom Kid!

Superman #20

Is this going to be a Mad Men crossover?

Superman could learn a lot from Don Draper. Just let Superman watch Don Draper for a few weeks and Superman will hopefully begin to feel shame for all of his non-Superman behaviors. Although Superman probably isn't that self-reflective. He'd probably just label Don Draper a super villain and then punch him in the face. It's also possible Superman would just be completely charmed by Don Draper's alpha male chocolaty center and realize the true power of being Superman: loads of side-pussy! Having a comic book starring Don Draper and Clark Kent would be like every Batman story where the antagonist is just like The Batman except without privilege! Clark and Don are both secret identities. They both grew up on poor farms. They both took on careers where they basically lie to the public. And both of them wound up fucking women that they work with! Aside from the drinking and smoking and whoring around, they're the same person! Just like in those Batman stories. It's just Clark had the privilege of staying on a farm where he was loved and never moving into a brothel.

Fuck you, Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason. Fuck you forever.

While I seethe and fume and try not to break down into tears (again!), Superman flies over Hamilton County swinging his big red and blue dick. Everybody in Hamilton County looks up and thinks, "Sure have been a lot of Superman sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!" They might seem happy and content now but just wait until they're saying things like "Sure have been a lot of Doomsday sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!"

The Smiths are now the Kents because that's enough of that "these aren't the real Superman and Lois Lane" nonsense. Everything is now integrating nicely because DC Comics wrote a story that told readers to forget that they fucked up everything and please maybe allow them to return things to normal without saying too much about it, hanh? Mxyzptlk helped convince the world that Superman and Clark Kent weren't actually the same person so now it's okay for Clark Smith to take back the role. Plus he's been infused with New 52 Superman essence so he has a right to take back the Clark Kent life and bank account and 401k. Should I have used the word "infused"? Maybe I should have said "infected"?

A storm (or Black Dawn?!) is moving in so the Kents spend their time in the basement playing pool. That's one of my main memories from the first time I visited Kansas when I was like five years old. Everybody had these crazy elaborate furnished basements and most of them had a pool table. Apparently some slick salesman made his way through the Midwest convincing everybody that the best thing to do during a tornado was sink some balls in some corner pockets. Um, wink, wink!

Lois brings up what happened to them and how they're somehow composed of blue and red lightning now and Clark is all, "Shh! Shh! Things are better now. Don't question it." And Lois is all, "Fuck you, you patriarchal piece of shit! How dare you silence my voice simply because it's not convenient for you! I'm a fucking Pulitzer winner, you Pulitzerless Punk!"

Later that night, Batman and Robin decide to skulk around in Clark's barn making farting noises until Clark is forced to stop rubbing his erection on Lois's ass as she pretends to sleep because she is not in the mood to fuck a sexist motherfucker right now. Clark gets dressed in his Superman costume and heads out to the barn to find out why the richest man in Gotham is lurking in his cow's shit. Jon also suits up and sneaks out to see what's going on. He just hears that Batman is there to discuss Superboy when Lois grabs him by the ear. She came out to investigate why Clark's cock wasn't rubbing up against her ass anymore, especially since she was just about to give in because who can say no to that Kryptonian D (aside from Lex Luthor)?

I can still hate Pat and Pete forever while grudgingly appreciating the composition of this panel.

I'm still chuckling about Batman deciding to go up to talk to Superman and he doesn't phone or send a Justice League transmission or just have Alfred walk up and knock on the door to inform Clark that Bruce Wayne is waiting to speak with him in the back of the limousine. No, he decides to head to the farm and hide in the barn until Superman comes out to investigate. How can people say he isn't a great father? Damian must love this shit. In fact, Bruce is probably doing this to bond with his son. "Hey, what say we go hide in Superman's barn and see how long it takes him to figure out we're there?"

Lois invites everybody in to eat some pie but not before they hose off the cow shit all over them. Batman stubbornly refuses to look human by enjoying Lois's pie. Um, wink, wink!

Batman has just come up to check on Jon and his erratic superpowers. Clark, being the nice one of the two, doesn't ask if Damian has decapitated anybody lately. I mean, seriously, Batman. Take out the mole in your own eye before digging up Clark's pupils or whatever that Biblical saying is. I'm an atheist so I don't have to know it exactly.

After all the tests they've run on Jon, Batman's conclusion is that Jon just isn't living up to his potential. Batman thinks he should be more powerful by now. I bet Batman's answer is to jump-start Jon's puberty. How about we get a prostitute in here, stat?!

Batman decides something in the environment is keeping Jon from reaching his full potential. He decides to investigate the Cobb Family Dairy Farm. He probably thinks that the thing holding Jon back is being put into the milk by Old Man Cobb. But I bet he finds out the thing holding Jon back is Young Woman Cobb! Jon is probably subconsciously frightened of pulling a Goldie on his best friend, so he's repressing his powers. Also he's hoping to kiss her and doesn't want to blow her brains out the back of her head when the excitement of his first kisses causes him to lose control of his heat vision.

Batman sneaks into another barn (Bessie, the prize winning cow's barn this time!) to test Bessie's milk. When he adds his Bat Testing Liquid to the milk, it freaks out and turns into that stuff that Spider-Man's black costume was made of and/or some kind of Swamp Thing crap. The black stuff engulfs Batman as Old Man Cobb wanders in and says, "Oh ho! Another trouble-maker! I'll put him with the rest of them!"

Oh no! A mystery! And of course Batman's gut instincts were correct. That's just what Batman needs: more confirmation that anything he believes may as well be proven fact.

The Ranking!
+2! I hate to award animal murdering psychopaths but I have to admit when a comic book is shining a light on how DC Comics should be writing comic books. This comic book exemplifies what the DC Universe should be (aside from all the pet murder). Batman skulking with Robin in Superman's barn is the best Batman.

Justice League #18

The Tempus on the bottom looks like he's whispering "I'm going to put my dick in your blowhole now" to Aquaman.

Last Thursday, I went to Karaoke. I sang "East Bound and Down" by Jerry Reed (which I've been singing before the season of Archer where what's-her-name becomes a famous country singer) and "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy Osbourne and "Can I Play With Madness?" by Iron Maiden and "Our House" by Madness and "Be My Lover" by Alice Cooper. It was probably my most successful night of Karaoke ever because I stuck to songs that I know really well. Except maybe "Our House" because there's that bit that's kind of fast that I don't know well.

I just wanted to remember a recent good moment in my life before I wade into the misery of another Bryan Hitch Justice League story. These are pretty terrible. I would go on to describe how terrible the stories are in a way that would eventually get back to Bryan Hitch so that he'll hate me without ever having read any of my terrific reviews but I just learned that it's Easter tradition to yell "Whore!" when you find the hidden Easter eggs full of chocolate in honor of the church's ignorant depiction of Mary Magdalene. I'm willing to believe that tradition is true without doing any further research. I'm also willing to incorporate it into my atheist Easter tradition of buying all the Easter candy on sale while everybody else is at church and eating it until I puke all over the plastic grass in my Easter basket.

Currently in this terrible story, the Giant Baby Man Being known as Tempus has decided Earth needs to be put on timeout. He's moving it to the far end of the universe on the other side of time so that its constant reboots and zero hours and infinite crises won't fuck with the rest of the universe. But Superman is all, "No way! You can't stop us! Even if we're accidentally ruining everybody else, you have to allow us the freedom to choose to ruin everybody else's life!" At that moment, all of the villains Superman has put in the Phantom Zone yell "Hypocrite!"

The one thing Superman and Batman have in common (aside from having fucked Big Barda) is that they're the only ones who know what is right. So if somebody disagrees with one of them, that somebody is obviously a villainous villain. It's why Superman and Batman fight so often. Tempus is just trying to do the right thing for the rest of the universe. But Superman doesn't agree so Tempus must be stopped. And apparently the readers are simply supposed to agree with Superman no matter how dumb the plot is. Well, I refuse to be a part of this nonsense! I'm putting my foot down right now and declaring Superman is wrong! Earth-New-Earth is a plague on the DC Universe and somebody needs to shut it the fuck down.

That's a handy excuse to get around writing a decent Superman!

Tempus cranks up the red sun thermostat to keep Superman manageable. How come Doctor Veritas hasn't created a red to yellow energy converter for Superman yet? She's an omniologist, after all. She could figure it out. It would probably be as simple as making a suit that acts like a prism, shifting the color of the light as it reaches his skin. I doubt that makes any real science sense but it makes absolute comic book science sense! Somebody get working on that!

While Superman angrily throws fists and does nothing to help anybody but his own sense of self, Batman is working on solving the problem with the time travelers of the Infinity Corporation. They explain how they need to stop the timeline from being shifted and Batman is all, "And we probably need all the stock market reports from 2017 to 2027, right? You might not see how that will help but I assure you, I've got a plan!"

In the "present," Molly the Time Keeper says the dumbest thing you can say in a time travel story.

I guess the clock in San Dimas is always running!

Last issue, Bryan Hitch devoted a page or two to each of the other Justice League members scattered through time trying to disarm time bombs. But since they really don't matter that much to this story, he reduces their appearances to one panel each. Just enough so the reader remembers they're there and can't whine, "But I bought a Justice League comic book, not a Batman Loves Superman comic book!" Eventually they get another panel but it's just to show that their fights didn't matter because as soon as Superman and Batman knock out some of Tempus's computer equipment in the future, the Timeless fall unconscious all across time. Wonder Woman, Flash, Cyborg, and the Green Lanterns are all, "What happened?" Aquaman screams, "I did it! Hooray for Aquaman! Champeen of the Seven Seas and now All of Time!"

Once all of the time bombs are defused, Molly the Time Keeper turns into Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time. She declares she will kill all of the super heroes now to keep Earth safe! So I guess Superman was right! The Justice League have to stop both Tempus and Molly! Who could have guessed? I mean, aside from everybody who has read every single Bryan Hitch story since he's been writing the Justice League for DC Comics. They all come down to a big cosmic fight with the Justice League caught up in the middle. And instead of choosing a side without any research or references like most heroes usually do, the Justice League just kick ass on both sides of the fight and shut it all down. And it's always the right choice! Because they're the Justice League!

Of course this time, most of the Justice League was wrong and helped Molly. Although it isn't like they had much choice. If they didn't help Molly to stop Tempus, Tempus would have put Earth on timeout forever. But now that they helped Molly become Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time, they're just going to have to turn on her and stop her.

You can tell she's evil now because she's showing so much more skin.

The Ranking!
No change! What a surprise twist! The person that was supposed to be good turned out to be bad! Just like Rao! And the World Singers! And that girl's AI program! Okay, maybe not so much that one. But kind of, if you squint hard enough! Bryan Hitch really only knows one story, doesn't he? "Somebody is here to save the world! No wait! They want to destroy the world! Oh no!"

Batman #20

I am a pain in the ass.

I wonder if Tom King told DC Comics that if he were given Batman to write, he would be reducing every piece of dialogue to first person declarative statements?

Commissioner Gordon: "I am Commissioner Gordon!"
Batman: "I am Batman!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am the law!"
Batman: "I am calling my lawyer who also is the law and represents Judge Dredd!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am rescinding my earlier statement!"
Batman: "I am on hold with my lawyer's office! I am listening to the greatest hold music ever!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am beginning to suspect that my daughter is Batgirl!"
Batman: "I am not winking under the cowl!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I suspect Gotham would be safer without you!"
Batman: "I am going to cry!"

Recently, Batman pissed off Bane. It couldn't be helped for plot related reasons. But since Batman knows he can't beat Bane without calling up Jean-Paul Valley for help and since Batman didn't want that creep sharing space in the main Batman comic book, Batman decided to pull a Reverse Knightfall on Bane. That's not as sexy as you might think and definitely has less dicks in buttholes than you're picturing in your sexy mind. A Reverse Knightfall is where Batman makes Bane fight all of the Arkham inmates before Batman beats the living shit out of Bane and cripples him until DC Comics decides Crippled Bane isn't interesting enough to sell more comic books and declares that he's much better now.

Too bad for Batman, Bane isn't exhausted after fighting Arkham inmates all night because he's taking Venom. Bane is all, "I am the end!" And Batman is all, "I am still here!" But picture that more dramatically and with lots of fish lips since David Finch is drawing it. Plus David Finch already managed to get a double splash page in! Of couse it was of the scene from Issue #1 where Batman is riding on the back of a crashing plane. I wonder if that double splash page had already been drawn but hadn't been used for the first issue and Finch asked Tom King, "Hey, Tom? I spent an awful lot of time drawing this picture and you guys cut it from the first issue because you didn't want to waste two pages on it. But since I put effort into it (and believe me, it was effort! I couldn't figure out how to add a naked lady to it so it was miserable work), can you write it into a future issue? It would really help and Meredith would appreciate not having to hear me moan about it."

While Bane and Batman fight, somebody who calls Batman "boy" retells the "I am Gotham" and "I am Suicide" and "I Am Bane" stories to Batman (which is weird that the story that's currently happening is part of the recollection). But he does it in that "You might have missed the point of the story the first time around, and that would be a shame, so here is what it meant!" kind of way. As if I haven't been paying attention! I might be okay with you patronizing other comic book readers, Tom King, but try to remember that I'm reading your comic books too! Maybe try to assume that all of your comic book readers are as astute and sexually experienced as I am! That was a Tom Kingian first person declarative statement with an M. Night Shyamalan twist!

I'm too lazy to scan pictures right now so pretend you're looking at a picture of Bane punching Batman in the face. Picture it in David Finch's art which is that kind of art that comic book companies think is the best art out there although it's got so many little flaws that it bugs the fucking shit out of me. Why does DC Comics think David Finch, Tony S. Daniel, John Romita Jr, and Jim Lee are the greatest comic book artists of the age? They're all fucking terrible, what with the fish mouths and the women who all look fifteen and the angular shaped everythings and the lines, the lines, the goddamned fucking lines scribbled all over everything!

Apparently the voice retelling Issues #1 through #19 is that of Bruce's mother. I guess that means Batman is close to death. I hear that's what happens when you're dying. You hallucinate the voices of people you know and then pretend you see heaven and then you stop existing forever. Unless you're a comic book character.

And since Batman is a comic book character, he's allowed to be pushed right to the brink of death, beaten, dying, bleeding out...and to suddenly rise up as strong as ever by simply declaring "I am Batman!" and believing in himself and his city and his poor orphaned Gotham Girl! Heroes can never beat the villain when the hero is at full strength. That would be silly. The hero has to be nearly dead to finally remember that they can beat the bad guy. Then when they're nearly dying, they find the strength and wherewithal that they couldn't find at the beginning when they were absolutely healthy and at peak performance.

Rope a dope this, motherfucker!

That's all it takes for Batman to defeat Bane! All Batman needed to do was get his ass beaten by Bane for fifteen pages and right when Bane was about to destroy Batman for good, Batman times a single headbutt to knock him out and win the day. I guess that makes sense. Bane tired himself out by beating Batman to a bloody pulp so Batman still has his, um, lung capacity? No wait. A rib pierced his lungs so he doesn't even have that advantage. Um, he still has his, um, moxy? Why am I even questioning it?! I already explained that that's how comic books work. Besides, he's the Jeezly Crow Batman! Of course he didn't die even though he apparently prepares to die every time he goes into a fight. I guess that's why he wins? Because, in his own mind, he's already dead?

The issue ends with Batman hallucinating a final confrontation with his mother, his greatest enemy. He finally defeats her by realizing she's proud of him even if his survivor's guilt sometimes doesn't let him believe it. He acknowledges that he isn't simply fighting this war because he's a little boy who made a promise because he was sad that his parents died. He acknowledges that he fights for other people. What a revelation! Batman cares about people more than he cares about himself!

That probably sounded sarcastic because it was intended to be sarcastic. The only problem is that lots of writers do write Batman as if he doesn't give a shit about anything but his mission. So on one hand, I'm annoyed at the need for this definitive statement on Batman. And on the other hand, I'm still annoyed! Anyway, here you go! This final issue of the "I Am Bane" story arc should probably be subtitled "I am Batman." Or, since this was a reflection on the first twenty issues of the comic book, it's kind of a way to say the first twenty issues were a collected story called "I Am Batman."

The Ranking!
No change! I get it! Batman cares! Maybe just show that he cares more often in little ways so writers don't have to shout it with big stories every so often so that they can go back to the easy stories with grim Batman's obsessive war on crime!

Deathstork #16

I am not Shooping this cover so just pretend it reads "Deathstork".

The Review!
Deathstork has gone blind so now his name is Twilight and he kills people with the help of his guide sidekick, Roscoe. Currently he's battling a guy named Deadline so if you had "Eventually somebody will come up with a stupider name than Deadpool" on your superhero pool at work, you still haven't won anything. Let's face it. Deadpool is a dumb name derived from Deathstork. At least Deadline makes it sound like "Oh! I've taken out a contract to kill a person so now that person's life is running on a deadline! And that deadline is my gun! KERPOW!" I guess Deadpool is called Deadpool because there was that Clint Eastwood film a few years earlier and it was probably on television when Rob Liefeld was thinking, "What should I give the name of my Marvel version of Deathstork?"

Although Deadline might beat out Deadpool for stupidest idea ever because Deadpool eventually found a niche in the superhero world that made him popular and Deadline has a weapon called an Infinity Rifle. It uses alien isotopes to create static disruptive shells around its targets. That sounds cool!

The new Power Girl has a fake boob window and it's making me angry. She also has an illusory underboob awning! That's making me less angry and more the other thing. You know, the emotion that powers the Violet Lanterns except more sexy.

Well, now she has a belly window!

See what kind of damage the Infinity Rifle does? Pretty awesome, right?! It could probably kill Superman. Why didn't Lex Luthor think up this weapon?

In the B-story line, Rose finds out that her Hmong family are all actors paid for by Slade. She finds out from Etienne, the woman Joseph is about to kill. I mean marry. He's already fucked her. Also I think he probably will kill her after marrying her when he finds out she's been fucking his father. That story doesn't have any blood in it yet so let's go back to the story where Deadline is about to get his hand cut off and then mauled by Roscoe.

Deadline has all sorts of special powers which he received from his encounter with an alien race. I bet it was just government agents in stupid costumes fucking with him. He also explains his moniker. If he doesn't kill a person by the guaranteed deadline, the kill is free. So why didn't he call himself Domino's?

Deadline's alien tech allows him to phase through solid objects. He likes to kill people by phasing a hand into their chest and going solid. Although that probably hurts his hand too so he usually just relies on the Infinity Rifle. As you saw, that makes a pretty good mess of even people with invulnerability.

Do you think Power Girl is actually dead? It would be interesting if DC allowed her to die in this series. It's not like she was being interesting in any other comic book, even the ones she was appearing in.

Darn it. She's still alive.

The Ranking!
No change! I wasn't paying particularly close attention to this issue. That'll happen, life being what it is.

Nightwing #18

This was the theme of my high school prom.

The Review!
Are you a person who likes clever things like art and waffles? If you are then you should read the first panel of Nightwing #18!

See?!

Some of you might be thinking, "I don't get it!" If you are, don't worry. You just aren't the type of person who likes clever things! Or you might be one of those people who thinks they get it which is just tragic. Because then you're thinking, "Oh yeah! I appreciate art and the character is including me in the comment about being here and appreciating art! I know that sometimes situations exist where you can use the word 'meta' and seem super intelligent and in the know!" Sure, that's part of it, I suppose! But if you thought that then you're not actually the type who appreciates art in the way the character (and thus Tim Seeley) is claiming you appreciate art which is why you've chosen to read his Nightwing book (and hopefully ignored his Lost Boys book because if you appreciate art, you probably threw up reading that and thought, "Where is the art?! That is a reference to the old Wendy's commercial. Meta! I think?"). But if you remembered that this issue is about Professor Pyg who loves artistic transformations and is about to transform an artist into art through arty artistry, you might have noticed how clever the Location Blurb was being (even though it didn't mention waffles). Even places can be transformed! It's even cleverer if you know what sanglier means! I don't!

If Professor Pyg is so into transformation, why did he base his whole look on pigs? Is it simply because he's obsessed with Pygmalion? That seems like a stretch! He should be Professor Butterfly! I guess that's too on the nose for a Grant Morrison character and also not as disturbing as a pig-faced guy and also maybe a bit suggestive of coming out of the closet. Grant probably figured that would take the character into places he'd already discussed in Doom Patrol. This guy is supposed to be disturbing and what's more disturbing than pigs?! Don't start shouting out logical answers to that question at me! It was rhetorical and steeped in personal bias! Pigs are gross!

Who else wants a waffle now?

If you're a person who likes clever things like art and wine, you should probably keep reading past the first panel because Professor Pyg goes into an analogy about how art is like wine but also like being pregnant which makes a lot of sense because babies totally act like they're drunk. His main point is that to get the best art out of an artist, you have to gut them when they're young. But Dick and Damian arrive and they make a "This Little Piggy" joke although I'd rather believe it was meant to be a Deliverance joke that was censored. In other words, Dick and Damian are going to "rape" Professor Pyg. I put rape in quotes because I meant it in the way twelve year old boys use it on me while playing Call of Duty. Apparently I've been raped on a nearly constant basis since I began playing Xbox online. No wait. Make that "attempted raped" because those twelve year old boys never know what hit them after I'm through with them! I'm not saying I rape them. That's disgusting and vile. I just carefully pull down their dirty twelve year old panties and spank their sweaty bottoms until they're asking for more and I'm all, "Wait a second. I just remembered I'm not in NAMBLA. I should think up a better analogy for destroying kids at video games that isn't suggestive of some kind of sexual assault."

Professor Pyg has some more commentary on art and artists. Maybe he should change his name to Professor Navel-Gazing.

While Damian and Dick fight Pyg to save Shawn, Dollotron Robin and Dollotron Deathwing discuss the pros and cons of becoming a Dollotron. You might be asking what kind of pros could there possibly be in becoming a Dollotron? Well, I can think of one pro: Lots of cons to discuss! Anyway, the discussion ends the way most debates end: one side strangles the other side. In this case, Deathwing is the winner.

Nightwing saves Shawn but twists his ankle so he can only lie on the ground blubbering while Robin rushes off to stop Deathwing stealing the Batmobile. But that's just a bit of performance art to lure Robin out alone so that Deathwing and his friend can shoot him in the back of the head! Or maybe just the back. Probably some place non-fatal since the Death of Damian Wayne was a story that was already told and I'll be angry if DC tries to make me pay to read it again.

Deathwing's friend (somebody Robin recognizes but isn't shown (at least not yet! Maybe the reveal will be on the final page. I hope it's Lord Death Man! Or Egghead!)) claims that Robin will die at dawn because that's the only way to get Dick Grayson to reach his true potential. Who would want Dick to achieve his true potential? The real bad guy must be Batman!

When Dick realizes Damian is missing, he threatens Pyg and Pyg cracks immediately. He reveals the true patron of the Make Dick Grayson Great Again project was Dr. Simon Hurt. I suppose I should have known that from when he said, "Robin Dies At Dawn!" That was more of that clever stuff Tim Seeley thinks is so cool.

The Ranking!
No change! You know, I really do need to go back and read Grant Morrison's Preboot Batman stuff.