Justice League #45

Whoo whoo!

The first page of this comic book is three black panels. Two of the panels have some red blotches and one panel has a "ping" sound effect. I'm not happy with this beginning. If I wanted to feel like a jackass by reading crap I resented paying for, I'd get a book of Rudyard Kipling's poetry.

You all owe me eighteen cents.

You know what? I'm also going to write a Rudyard Kipling poem!

Brown People Need Help

White people make things better! We have the best skills of all nations.
Brown people are like, "Duh?! What is cities? Gorp! Der!"
Rule Britannia! Rule Britannia! We have the best civilizations!
Brown people can't rule because they are full of torpor!
Read my children's books, impressionable youngsters! Kipling out...of opium! Yoink!

Shit. I didn't even get to the second page before I complained! It's just a full page image of a dripping horseshoe! If I'd known I was going to be ripped off two full pages, I would have been angrier! Although being angry enough to write a parody Rudyard Kipling poem which might be misunderstood or taken out of context was already pretty angry. I should be more careful about what I write because some unintelligent readers who think they know enough about everything to deconstruct anything might Youthsplain some things to me.

So last issue, Darkseid was killed by the Anti-monitor using The Black Racer as a weapon. Also the Black Racer is now The Flash.

Or is it Steve Urkel?

Mister Miracle points out that The Flash is now cursed to be The Black Racer until he dies. And The Flash is all, "This is a curse?! No way! I'm the God of Death! I've got a cool black costume and I know how to ski! Iris will totally open her legs for me now without having to pretend I love her nephew!"

On Apokolips, Superman is still an asshole. He's full of Apokolips energy which totally makes sense because Geoff Johns came up with it so it must make sense. Although is Superman really any different than he's been since The New 52 began? He really has been a grumpy puss lately. But now he's a weird polarized version of himself. He and The Flash are going to look great together. Superman destroys Lex Luthor's armor and strands him on Apokolips before heading back to Earth. That's probably going to be a mistake. I give Lex five hours before he's the next ruler of Apokolips.

Batman decides that he and the Batchair are going to go back to Gotham City and save it because that seems like a reasonable use of a chair that gives you all the knowledge of everything forever. Use it to make one city safe from maniacs. Classic Batman!

Apparently the Parademons are mostly moth.

Lex Luthor meets the Forgotten People on Apokolips. I guess they're the opposite of the Forever People. It's exactly the type of clever nameplay Geoff Johns likes to come up with when he's reinventing the DC Youniverse. It's also possible the Forgotten People have already been invented but this has Johns' semen all over it. The Forgotten People are all, "We're in comics so of course we have a prophecy that tells us the future and helps us react appropriately to keep the plot moving. Are you the farm boy orphan hero from Smallville that's actually a super awesome person or something?" And Lex is all, "Yep! How'd you know? Totally me. If straw existed on Apokolips, I'd be chewing on some! Yee haw! Boy howdy!"

Back on Earth, Barry begins to argue with himself and then runs away, just like always. I guess I'll see you in your special One Shot, Barry! Bye! The next person to flee to their One Shot is Shazam when he becomes the God of All of the Gods. I think that means he just committed blasphemy in every single religion in the universe.

Darkseid is dead and the Anti-Monitor has disappeared with his forces. The parademons have rushed off to fly erratically around the Green Power Battery on Oa (or Mogo (or wherever it is in Geoff Johns' version of the DC You). But Kalibak, Lashina, Steppenwolf, and probably some other jerks are still hanging around thinking they can beat the Justice League. But seriously, who takes Kalibak seriously now? Everybody heard about that time Alfred Pennyworth the Cat devised a plan which relied on Kalibak slipping on cow manure and which totally defeated him.

Meanwhile the Omega Effect returns to Apokolips and chooses a new leader.

Yep. I'd say that was about five hours.

Justice League #45 Rating: No change. This issue was basically a prologue for the One Shots coming out across the next few weeks. I'm not sure why I knew there were six of them coming out but while reading this book, I couldn't figure out who the sixth book was going to focus on. I actually thought Cyborg and Shazam were going to merge because wasn't that in one of the visions of Myrina's midwife? I had no idea that Lex was going to actually become the next Darkseid. I just figured he'd manipulate everybody and talk them into letting him rule. I do still have one question after reading this issue though: who thought Arrow, Deadman, and Mister Miracle were good figures to begin the DC Comics Icons action figure toy line?

Wonder Woman #45

What's with the diamond shaped negative space in Wonder Woman's crotch region? Is that supposed to symbolize something?

I gave mild praise to the last two issues of Wonder Woman because they weren't completely awful and they felt like maybe they were moving Donna's character in the right direction. But all of my goodwill (which is hard earned and should not be taken so lightly, Meredith. When I hate, I hate for life!) has been casually tossed like a salad on the first page! And I wasn't expecting it so I jumped right in thinking, "Okay! Time for some Wonder Woman. It probably won't be too tough to deal with if I can ignore David Finch's fish mouths which he loves to stick on male characters. And it should be a quick read because it will probably contain two or three double splash pages. I also won't be distracted too much by the inevitable shower scene because I think I've masturbated enough times today. I guess that's enough talking to myself before opening the comic book so maybe I should narrate my final actions and open up the comic book...". And that's when I was sucker punched right in the part of my brain that doesn't like having to read crappy dialogue.

Shut up shut up shut up!

This guy shot Wonder Woman with an arrow two issues ago. I think it's safe to assume she can punch him in the face after he says "Surprised?" Instead, she listens to him moan and whine and insult her for nearly thirty seconds (Yes. I timed myself reading his rant! And included the dramatic pauses and the occasional moan and wince of pain due to my ankles being crushed by debris). Strife shows uncharacteristic restraint in not immediately turning him into a blood stain. She simply suggests he deserves a spanking. But Diana is against adults beating up on children and threatening them with physical harm to keep them in line. She'd probably rather kneel down, look him directly in the eye, tell him what he did was wrong, and then hug him.

The next page is the first of who knows how many boring double splash pages. Because Aegus punching Wonder Woman in the face and shouting isn't something that could have fit in a half-page panel (or smaller even).

Wonder Woman deserved to get punched for not shutting him up earlier.

After Aegus punches a woman in the face, he flexes and says, "Does this look like 'just a boy' to you?!" Wonder Woman does not answer, "No, it looks like the douchiest douche in doucheville." Probably because that's a weak retort. My go-to comeback would have been, "No, you look like just a boy!" But that wouldn't make any sense so I had to go with "You're the Xiest X in Xville." Wonder Woman decides to ask him if he needs a hug because he seems like he's in a lot of pain. I bet he tells her she's about to be in a lot of pain!

This kid has a lot to learn. Everybody in the DC You suffers from Daddy Issues but they don't admit to it immediately.

Luckily, as he beats the shit out of a woman, Aegus opens up about how his father abused him and his mother. Now Wonder Woman can give him the standard speech about not being to blame for what happened to him and how he can change the cycle by making different choices and all the other After School Special crap that's been said five million times already. It's also nice that she gives her "you didn't deserve the abuse" speech while crawling before him in a pool of her own blood while weeping bloody tears. I'm glad pictures are worth 1000 words because I'd hate to have to read the 1000 hateful and misogynistic words that make up this picture.

I know Strife doesn't like Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman did ask Strife to let her handle this, but it seems strange that Strife would just let this intruder beat on Wonder Woman for four pages before intervening. Maybe it took her that long to grow into a giant in preparation for the next double page splash (although this one has a few inset panels so it can pretend to be something different).

At least some characters full of macho bravado can admit when they're beaten. I'm looking at you, Powerless Superman.

But being that this is a comic book and the only dramatic tension most writers know is dangling the answers to questions just out of the reader's reach, Aegus says "It was..." and then disappears. Noooo! But I so wanted to know that it was Poseidon! I mean I wanted Strife to know that it was Poseidon since the reader already knows that it's Poseidon. Hmm, I think Meredith has this comic book convention backwards.

Meanwhile in London, I finally learn the name of Donna Troy's new urchin friend: Violet! So it's not Terry Long's daughter. But it might be Halo! They have a fun tour of London that's totes brill. But then Violet ditches her and leaves her bag of dead rats for Donna to deal with.

Aegus reappears in his basement by his smoking swimming pool to be chastised by the person who isn't Poseidon who sent Aegus to kill Wonder Woman. She's angry that Wonder Woman did something to her "dearest love." So it must be a lover of Ares or Apollo, right? Who else did Wonder Woman get killed recently? I doubt it's Ares because that would mean the female God was Aphrodite. But she doesn't wear clothing and she never shows her face. So this must be one of Apollo's dozens of lovers. It could be practically anybody so I'll just randomly guess that it's Hecate even though she isn't green with spikes around her brow and she doesn't have a big lizard tail. Hmm. Maybe it is Aphrodite. She is in London where it's chilly, so she'd probably be wearing clothes.

Back in London, Donna Troy easily finds Violet again because fuck you.

If you want to read a comic book where women are constantly being beaten or groped by men, Wonder Woman is the comic book for you!

This guy Link hates it when Donna Troy kicks his ass while he was in the middle of kicking Violet's ass. But this time, he's got a gun! And Donna Troy doesn't have bracelets!

This guy must be Plastic Man!

Violet hits her head on the hearth when Link throws her to the ground and begins bleeding all over the place. That probably means Donna Troy is going to kill somebody. And she tries except Wonder Woman finally finds her! And she didn't need the help of The Fates after all! All she had to do was wait until Donna Troy's friend was killed so that Diana could try to stop Donna from killing Violet's murderer which would allow for Donna and Diana to fight! Too bad Diana didn't think of that earlier.

Donna learns the "with great power comes great responsibility" lesson but comes to a different conclusion than the other idiots who have learned that lesson before her. Donna learns that she should kill people like The Joker when she has the chance or else every death The Joker causes afterward is on her hands. I can't say I disagree with that conclusion! But I can disagree with the subsequent conclusion Donna makes that it's all Wonder Woman's fault. She has to come to that conclusion so that she can keep fighting Diana though. Comic books, you know?

Aegus appears on the scene because everybody seems to know how to find anybody at this point in the comic book. I guess all the searching stuff is just getting in the way of the plot. It's better when characters can find other characters instantly. All that detective work to figure out who did what or where they might be? That's Batman crap.

Anyway, Aegus puts an arrow through Donna Troy's heart and turns her to stone. I guess that's what happens when Clay People die? But guess what? He didn't do it because he was trying to hurt Diana! No! He's had a change of heart!

See? All it takes to help a victim of abuse is a one paragraph explanation about how they aren't to blame and they didn't deserve what happened to them!

Oh! Time for the reveal of the evil villain! And it's...Eirene? The Goddess of Peace? Um. Okay. I guess she's mad at Diana because...um...uh...fuck it. I don't know. She should be going after Deathstroke since he broke her mother, Iapetus's spear!

Wonder Woman #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you like stories where characters change their motivations constantly and for nearly no reason, stories where women are brutally beaten and killed, stories where characters constantly explicate their every action so the reader understands what the fuck is going on, or stories where the ultimate enemy is peace, then this is the comic book for you, you dumb bozo!

Gotham Academy #11

Scary!

Thank goodness this issue isn't about Shakespeare so I don't have to pretend not to know anything about Shakespeare while discussing it. Hopefully it's about William Butler Yeats because I really don't know anything about William Butler Yeats. At least not about his poems from the young version of himself. I prefer when he gets older and writes poems discussing how, since he's old, he's forgotten all of the mysterious symbols he used throughout his career that caused most of his poetry to not make any sense at all unless you had dozens of supplementary materials like letters Yeats wrote telling people what the fuck he was talking about. Some people probably think William Butler Yeats is their favorite poet because they heard "The Second Coming" once read at the beginning of an episode of Heroes but they're wrong. Because William Butler Yeats is incomprehensible to anybody not willing to study him for four or five years straight. Occasionally he'll write five or six lines in a row that don't have anything to do with gyres or a local news story that time has forgotten or the history of the architecture of a tower or lions or Irish mythic heroes and they'll actually make me cry (except not really because Pshaw! Boys don't cry!). Stupid Yeats. What a jerko!

The Pizza Detective Club are headed into Downtown Gotham to skip a Gotham Academy tennis tournament against Metropolis High. Instead of watching Kyle get his ass kicked by Alexander Luthor or whatever robot kid they're going to use to cheat, the Pizza Detective Club are going to look for clues to the Mystery of Calamity Silverlock! Is she dead? Is she alive? Is she just a hallucination brought on by Olive's pent-up sexual frustration causing her to lash out with pyrokinetic lust blasts? That's probably the problem.

Maps has come up with a plan to discover more clues to the mystery.

The plan's not really that good. It doesn't even have any practice kissing in it.

The girls almost get caught breaking into City Hall by a security guard practicing to be a radio personality. True Story That May or May Not Be True Because The Caveat May Be All I Have To Save My Dignity When Somebody Asks Me If The Masturbating In The Sink Story Was True: You know those "tests" they give kids in high school to determine what career they might best be suited for? I got radio DJ. Fuck you, test. That was an insulting answer! I suppose I only got Radio DJ because Arrogant Internet Blogger wasn't a potential career when I took that test.

Olive and Maps make it to the records room where Olive instantly finds the files on her family because nobody wants to read three pages of the girls searching through files. While Olive searches for clues, Maps makes a new friend.

Just put Maps in a Robin costume already. Preferably the original one.

Red Robin reveals to Maps that practically every kid in Gotham is now calling themselves a Robin. I guess Maps could go the generic route and just slap an "R" on her chest and pretend she's part of the movement. But she has a real Batarang! She's now been acknowledged by two actual Robins that she has what it takes! When Batman returns, he'd better give Maps a chance to kick at his side! Maps isn't the type of person that can keep a secret about anything she's super excited about, so she mentions that Olive is currently stealing records on Calamity. Red Robin was about to steal some records too, so he isn't too concerned with that part of the story. But he does warn Maps to be careful around Calamity and then tells her a story about how Dick Grayson was totally almost killed by Calamity because he wasn't as good a Robin as Tim Drake was.

In Tim's story, Dick is actually kind of a hero so I guess I was thinking of the way Damian would tell the story. Anyway, Batman and Robin stopped Calamity, discovered she was Sybil Silverlock, threw her in Arkham to keep everybody safe, and then realized they'd orphaned her kid. So they stuck Olive in Gotham Academy where Batman could keep an eye on her to make sure she didn't turn into the next Calamity.

Olive discovers that more than just her mom went about burning Gotham as Calamity. Pretty much all of her relatives gave it a go at one time or another. And then Olive makes a new friend.

What rough beast slouches toward...oh, you know it's a lion!

Maps and Red Robin drive off Calamity even though Olive would have preferred if they'd left her alone so she could hug her. Calamity drops a piece of a key before fleeing before the wrath of Maps. Red Robin leaves but not before giving Maps false hope about her chances of working with Batman. Not because she isn't good enough but because Batman is on a mental vacation right now. Meanwhile, Pom and Colton have discovered that Kyle disappeared before the tournament. The only clue to his disappearance is another piece of a key left in his locker. The pieces fit together to create a key to Arkham Asylum. Too bad Arkham Asylum is just debris at the bottom of a huge sinkhole! Otherwise the key might have been a good clue!

Gotham Academy #11 Rating: No change. I get it, Becky and Brenden. Maps is enthusiastic. Maps is overly enthusiastic even! It's adorable. But it's more adorable in small doses. Don't make me burn out on Maps because you realize she's the surprise hit of the DC Season. Don't turn Gotham Academy into all Urkel episodes of Family Matters. She should be treated as a limited resource. Fill up a bunch of pages with Pomeline and Olive flirting nastily before throwing in a few panels of Maps getting super excited about playing Dungeons and Dragons. Seriously. Why are you holding back with the Olive/Pomeline loss of innocence story? The Maps thing is a cute smokescreen to distract the prudes away from the real meat of this comic book but you've used too much smoke! I can't see the horny older teens experimenting with their newly found feelings full of erotic overtones! I know it's there! I know it's happening! Stop turning the camera on Maps (even though she's totally cute and adorable and not into Yeats' poetry). Give me some PomOlive already!

The New Teen Titans #43 (May 1988)

Raven faces off against Phobia this issue and I’m left with squidgy feelings in my lower abdomen due to Phobia’s costume. Why is it an arrow pointing to her vagina?! Is it because most comic book nerds suffer from Vadgophobia?

Raven successfully helps Phobia deal with her Daddy Issues to save the day. That means at least one of DC’s countless characters doesn’t suffer from Daddy Issues anymore. Bravo!

Thanks for trying, Monsieur Mallah, but I don’t think that’s actually helping.

Number of Issues In Which The Teen Titans and/or Raven Acts Heroic: 6 out of 43!

Batman and Robin Eternal #3

Gotham City gets destroyed so often they really should add a version number after the name.

In the Disqus forum of my last intellectually critical commentary on this comic book, Commenter Peg said, "[I]s this a thing that keeps happening? That canon doesn't matter, because new writers will erase what happened before if they don't like it? Because if so I quit. I'm not giving my money anymore on these expensive comics if they can't keep their story straight. If history doesn't matter, then might as well make up my own. What's the difference? I don't even have to pay anything for it," in response to my claim that "comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist." I must answer "Yes, this is a thing" because comic books are a strange beast which stands alone in our entertainment sphere, especially now in the 21st Century and the internet age. Today, we expect television shows, book trilogies (trilogy here meaning, of course, however many books are published until the author dies or gets bored), and movie franchises to tell coherent long-form stories. In these formats, nobody expects something that was mentioned in Episode Eight of a television show, or in the first book of a trilogy, or in the third sequel of a movie franchise to suddenly be changed on a whim. My guess is that people born post Return of the Jedi have lived in a world where most of the entertainment media they've consumed has tried its best to maintain a cohesive narrative. But comic books are of a different nature because they do not, and were never meant, to tell a structured story with a beginning, middle, and end. The characters must exist outside of time but must also appeal to the current generations picking them up and reading them. They must reflect the current zeitgeist or they will become relics. And for this to happen, the characters must constantly be reimagined.

Because of the expected narrative structure of every bit of media we consume today, it's hard to swallow when comic books do the unimaginable and change the histories of the characters. Can you imagine if Lost had kept changing its mind on what things meant and then...oh wait. That's a bad example. What if the writers of Bones decided that in the current season, Angel was just never married to Jess's sister anymore? People would go apeshit! I think. Does anybody even watch Bones anymore? Anyway, we expect television to not mess with the story told to us in previous episodes and seasons. It's hard to believe there was a time when television shows hardly cared about the continuity from one episode to the next. They generally maintained a sense of "soft continuity" which was really just the established parameters of the premise or the situation. My mother used to dislike shows which she disdainfully referred to as "soap operas" because they relied too much on a long story arc across the season. Before that, characters could change and grow but they really were just plunked down in the same situation week after week without any real reference to previous episodes. The comedy Soap was called Soap because they were playing off the idea that the show's story just kept continuing week after week. But if you watch it now, the continuing premise wouldn't be anything different and the title would be redundant. Soap might just be called Arrested Development and everybody would expect the story to continue from one week to the next. The first drama I watched which I really remember telling the kind of long narrative story expected from television shows today was Wiseguy. Twin Peaks also broke that barrier but even Lynch's show played on the idea that it was basically a soap opera. It even parodied itself in the fake in-show soap opera, "Invitation to Love."

Just a bit of imagery to break up the boring words.

Movie franchises were a bit ahead of television shows in trying to keep a cohesive narrative across multiple films. But even here, it was rare. A series like The Godfather or Star Wars were made to tell a long story and would have been ruined by playing fast and loose with the previous movie's revelations. But continuity mattered less in other film franchises which only produced sequels because the first movie was a hit. And of course novels have always been expected to play as fair as possible. But comic books...oh, comic books. What was going on with them?

Comic books have never had the luxury of maintaining a cohesive narrative across long stretches of time because their audience is constantly changing. Nobody expected anyone but kids to be reading Batman when he first came on the scene. And nobody expected those kids to keep reading Batman as they aged. So Batman couldn't age. Who wants to read about a sixty-five year old vigilante breaking his hip as he tries to swing across Gotham? So the characters aren't allowed to age but they have to interact with the world in which the readers live. The scenery behind the characters flits past, constantly changing and updating, while the characters remain the same age. Certain historical moments that might have been incorporated into the story of the character have to change as those moments move further and further into the past and mean less and less to the new readers coming of comic book reading age. And what about the writers, artists, and editors? The characters outlive them decade after decade. Of course no new writer is going to be compelled to come on to a Batman book if they have to keep the character true to its decades old roots. Sometimes writers will come along and write a new definitive take on a character which the current generation latches onto. That's now who Batman is no matter how upset it might make Batman's older fans who never thought of Batman in this updated way. And eventually, Batman becomes the culmination of a whole bunch of seminal stories that nearly everybody thinks of when they think of Batman. And if there were times in Batman's history that nobody looks fondly on? They're forgotten as if they never happened. But for some people who like that time? They still matter. Things have to change. Things must constantly be updated. But the characters have so much history, parts of which conflict with other parts, that the character means something different to everybody who loves it.

My main point about loving comic book characters no matter how much they change due to "writers, editors, or the current zeitgeist" is that any character you fall in love with continues to exist no matter what future changes eventually turn the character on its head. Because the character you fell in love with is almost certainly not the character she was fifteen years before you discovered her. Do not let the comic book company dictate the stories you cherish simply because they've retconned them out of existence. Do not give the companies power over your fandom. Things in comics will change because they have to change. They are not indebted to any one generation's likes, values, and mores. Nor should they be.

In Dan Jurgens' Bat-mite, Gridlock says, "I have sworn to preserve the world as it is and forestall the devastating changes younger generations would inflict on us." That seems to be a common theme with comic book fans who dislike change. As much as I love to make fun of Dan Jurgens for being stuck in the eighties, his current Bat-mite is an intelligently put together parable about how each generation of comic book fans believes the era in which they fell in love with comics to remain the norm. And that's just not how comic books work. The longer you remain a fan, the more often some character or story or Reboot is going to break your heart. Once you can learn to live with this fact, and realize that the characters you love are made up of the stories you choose to remember, the less angry letters to the editors forum rants you'll wind up writing.

And now it's time to read the comic book!

Dick and the other Batkids arrive at Noonan's Sleazy Bar to keep Jason Todd from getting killed by Cassandra Cain. Is this the part where Sixpack tries to recruit them all for Section Eight? I think Dick would fit in perfectly. He could change his name to Tight Ass and wear ass-less chaps. Between Dick Grayson and Bueno Excellente, they could seduce any super villain they encounter!

The Batkids head out to the Batcave because Batman is out of town. Or his mind. Whatever. It's definitely an adult-free space so it's the place to hang and have sex with each other. They can do Scarecrow Toxin Whippits and play Seven Minutes Behind the Giant Penny. Although the giant penny was turned into a merry-go-round at Lucius Fox's Home for Wayward Youths. And the giant dinosaur was turned into a slide although the giant dinosaur is still in the cave with the randy kids. Continuity Violation! I call Continuity Violation!

Once in the cave, Harper gets laid up in the intravenous healing tea injection table while the rest of the Batkids try to figure out a way to get Cassandra Cain to talk.

Blasphemy! Candy does not equal circus peanuts! And Tim's supposed to be the smart one!

Cassandra taps each of the male Batkids in safe places: Hood is the hand, Tim is the head, Dick is the heart. Then she goes over to touch Harper's stubbornness and Stephanie's funny bone.

Helena gets back in touch with Dick to let him know that she found a reference to Mother in one of Agent Zero's diaries from about twenty-five years ago. It turns out Mother has the capability of producing "designer human beings" for anything a person might need. Red Hood suggests that maybe Batman used it to design his Robins. Dick and Tim seem like they'd like to argue the point but, really, how many times has Batman betrayed their trust in the past? Pretty much once per week. I'm pointing to the Circus Peanuts as treats as proof of one betrayal.

It's only Issue Three and I've actually already voiced my objections to the Batman creating his sidekicks plot when the Sneak Peek came out on my birthday Batman Day. If it turns out that Batman somehow had a hand in creating each Robin, even if he just special ordered them through Mother, the writing crew had better come up with an incredibly crazy but believable and emotional reason for it. Otherwise they're just cribbing the "Joker made Jason Todd into Robin" plot from Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws Zero Issue. Which I ranted and raved about back then.

Time for a flashback to after Dick was gassed by the Scarecrow and Batman rushed him back to the Batcave to describe the experience. I mean to care for him! No, no. It really was just to describe the experience. Batman is one hard motherfucker.

I like how Dick is giving Bruce a little side glance as he admits to his fear, just waiting for Batman to assure him it's not true. Or fearful Bruce is going to agree.

Bruce tells Robin that he saw nothing when he was dosed. Now Dick's memory ramps up his paranoia that what Bruce saw had something to do with Mother and her help in creating the Robins. His flashback is interrupted by Helena with more information. It seems Poppy ate her nanites. But before doing so, one of them hacked her cell phone and figured out where Poppy's outgoing calls to Gotham were headed. To a place where Bruce Wayne is being celebrated. Dick ditches the other kids and rushes off to save Bruce in much the same way Batman would have ditched them all without actually telling them all the details and asking for help. He really is a good Batman replacement!

Tim Drake mans the Batcomputer to watch Dick's back while Cassandra Cain and Harper Row slip off into the shadows to hopefully get that Batkid sex going. Somebody's got to do something sexual soon! I'd be happy with Red Hood pulling out his balls and lying them against Tim's neck as Tim is concentrating on the Batcomputer!

Bruce Wayne gets invited to check out the kitchen at the "Welcome Back, Bruce Wayne (Again!)" party. But instead of getting a tasty treat, he gets ambushed by a bunch of Mother's children. He'd better hope his martial arts training wasn't written over by the Dionesium!

Batman and Robin Eternal #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'd better give it as many increases in rank as I can while I'm still enjoying the interactions of the Batkids. I have a feeling when Bruce's Bat-secret is revealed, things are going to get incredibly stupid and outlandish and unbelievable and insane and I'm really not going to be very happy about it all.

Titans Hunt #1

It's a good thing this hunt isn't being performed by OMAC.

Can we all agree that Titans Hunt is a lousy title for a comic book? Dan Abnett either got hit in the side of the head by a cricket bat just before pitching this idea, or he came up with the title using a focus group composed of a three year old, Tarzan, and a man named "Ty Tans" in the process of transforming into a werewolf. I suspect this story will be about hunting. Whether it's performed by Titans or to hunt for Titans, I guess I'll find out. Probably both.

The issue begins with Roy Harper and a bunch of narration boxes. I admit it scared me for a second even though Dan Abnett is writing and not Scott Lobdell. Then as I began to read them and realized they were by an omniscient narrator, I felt like I had just been shoved up my mother's vagina and back into the womb. Which is probably the most uncomfortable way to say that I felt comfortable. Oh how I missed you! And by "you" I mean the omniscient narrator and not my mother's womb! The Narrator explains how Roy Harper gets freaked out by the sight of a water tower that barely looks like Titans Tower but I guess it's close enough to make Roy feel funny. Funny and scared. So scared that he goes to a nearby store to buy a bottle of whisky. He's served by Gnarrk who he doesn't recognize because this is a different universe than the universe that is trying to elbow its way into Roy's head.

Maybe Gnarrk named this series?

The name of the convenience store is "Ice Age" if you didn't notice it plastered all over every panel. Because where else would a cave teenager wind up working? Roy leaves the store with all sorts of familiar Preboot things running through his head where he decides to hang out, drink his whisky, and watch the tornado plow through town.

Meanwhile in New York, Dick Grayson is dealing with some Spyral business. He also preempts the omniscient narrator to take over so he can make a whole bunch of comparisons between life and the circus. Things like they're both full of clowns and neither one is ultimately as fulfilling as everybody would want you to believe. The group he's after deal in black market human organs and they call themselves Harvest. This is the part where I'd make fun of Dan Abnett for trying to be clever if he wasn't actually being so clever. That's clever.

Life is a circus so sometimes an Atlantean probably named Garth appears from out of nowhere and kills everybody under the Big Top. The Atlantean is also after Harvest but in a far more deadly way than Dick Grayson will commit to. Dick avoids dying and almost gets a Preboot memory as he watches the Atlantean disappear under water in a whirlpool.

Donna Troy? If so, she should be okay. She's had plenty of experience with disappearing timelines, alternate memories, and retconned origins.

Down in Los Angeles, Buddy Baker presents an award for Best Original Score to Malcolm Duncan. He's at the ceremony with his pregnant wife Bumblebee. Of course neither of them are currently heroes or ever have been heroes or know anything about having been heroes. But once again, memories of another time and place begin to seep into their lives. I think this scene matters less than the others because Mal and Karen are basically West Coasters. Nobody living on the West Coast is ever taken seriously in DC Comics.

While Dick is lounging around in a towel, Lilith comes to visit him. That's a problem because Lilith shouldn't exist. Unless she was actually Omen although why would I even bring up Omen? Those are memories that should be forgotten while the memories the Titans are dredging up are the ones that should be remembered. Just let the old Titan history pour in to replace the Lobdell, DeFalco, Nicieza, and Mackie bullshit from the beginning of The New 52.

Lilith tells Dick that he needs to find them and then he needs to find her. After Lilith leaves, Dick looks at his penis in confusion.

Lilith works as an addiction counselor. She counsels Roy and keeps a file on all of the old Preboot Teen Titans. She also talks to somebody who is always watching and trying to take the Titans. It's all a big mystery because this is just the first issue and questions are only raised in first issues, never answered. Unless the writer is writing incorrectly, or engaged in some kind of experimental writing. But then the comic book becomes Jeopardy with the answers given without the questions so the answers technically become the questions looking for the questions to answer them.

Titans Hunt #1 Rating: This issue featured a Roy Harper that didn't annoy the fuck out of me, so it probably deserves to be ranked around #20. The Teen Titans have been the most horrendously written characters of The New 52 aside from every character written by Ann Nocenti. Any attempt to fix them is appreciated because it will either end up in the Titans being fixed or just leave them with one more shitty story they were involved in. So at least there's a chance that they can be interesting. Although hopefully nobody tries to make them more like Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans because those guys were worse than I ever remembered. I never should have started rereading the 1980s run of the Teen Titans because now I remember how much I hated Dick Grayson, Changeling, and Cyborg. It's possible now that I've gotten to the issues where Danny Chase is a member of the team, Danny will make me appreciate the other characters because he's awful. He's worse than Scrappy Doo and Cousin Oliver combined.

The New Teen Titans #42 (April1988)

Everybody is looking at the baby's face except for Cyborg who seems shocked at its genitalia.

The Teen Titans defeat Wildebeest’s gang of distractions and send them all back to prison. They also meet Brother Blood’s new daughter. Danny Chase is awful and I almost took some scissors and cut him out of every scene.

Number of Issues In Which The Teen Titans Act Heroic: 5 out of 42!