Justice League #20

Thank goodness Aquaman is here!

That was a joke because this battle happens in space instead of the pool at the YMCA. I suppose Aquaman can throw his trident to put out all of Despero's eyes at once. Or maybe Aquaman can telepathically communicate with the microbes swimming in Despero's eye goop and get them to do something that somebody with more knowledge of the biology of eye goop microbes would know that they could do. Maybe they could all defecate at once and blind him? If DC doesn't like the science behind that move, I'll just sell it to Marvel.

While everybody was busy doing non-Justice-League-Meeting related things while they were all supposed to be having a Justice League Meeting, Despero attacked the Justice League Satellite. The only two people that were there were Firestorm and The Atom. I guess that's technically three people. Four people if you want to count Despero. Only three and a half people if you count normative amounts of eyeballs per person. I was hoping Element Woman would show up to save the day. She's currently grabbing some grub for the get together.

Do they have televisions in Atlantis? I know that question doesn't have anything to do with the picture! But I was just wondering what they do for entertainment while they get beerguts. Oh my god?! Do they even have alcohol? Do they ferment seaweed?

The Atom is narrating introductions to whoever the fuck she's narrating introductions to. She knows Firestorm's secret identities as well as Element Woman's old identity. Maybe she's selling information to Amanda Waller because Amanda Waller is the type of person that people sell information to. Hey, did you know a tautology is what it is because it's a tautology? True story.

Element Woman joins Firestorm and The Atom aboard the Justice League Satellite just in time to help them retreat from Despero.

Oh, so now everybody gets to remember that Martian Manhunter was a member of the Justice League? Perhaps it has something to do with the Magenta Time Line since Martian Manhunter was probably never in Stormwatch now and never had to erase his existence from everybody's memories.

The Atom stops acting cocky right about the time that Despero rips Firestorm in half with his psychic powers. Well, he doesn't exactly rip him in half. He just disassembles Firestorm returning him to his component parts of Ronnie and Jason. Element Woman has proven to be the most useful if the only way to stop Despero is with non sequiturs. She's actually the opposite of useful which is entertaining. She did turn into a pink cloud at one point and managed to make her right leg into a messy fart that she got all over The Atom.

This is disgusting.

Despero smashes Element Woman into bits but it's not like she has any vital organs that will stop functioning when something like this happens. I don't even think she has a brain anymore. I suppose she's just a skewed magical version of her former personality that has basically imprinted on an extreme batch of silly putty. That's probably why she's crazy and eccentric and depressed.

I just realized Element Woman was bringing enough food for nine people. But Firestorm is two people. Does Jason taste food when Firestorm eats? If Firestorm were somewhere where he had no water and I guess everything was made from stuff he couldn't turn into water since this is a hypothetical situation, would Jason be safe in Ronnie's head? Could Ronnie keep Jason alive longer by maintaining the Firestorm body while he dies from dehydration? Then when he's nearly dead, they would separate and Jason would now be as fully hydrated as he was when he merged?

Also Despero causes the Justice League Watchtower to lose orbit and begin plummeting to Earth. This prevents Cyborg from Boom Tubing them to it because its position keeps changing. If only they had a computer that could do the calculations that would enable them to know the satellite's location across time!

The Atom is more concerned with Despero reading her thoughts and discovering her secret than she is of dying. Her secret must be something truly awful! Like she's working with Lex Luthor or she short-sheeted Batman's bed. Boy, the old days sure were tame when short-sheeting was the height of pranks! Well, that and putting your sleeping friend's hand in a bowl of warm water. Nowadays a prank has to be video taped and somebody needs to nearly die for it to be funny.

The Atom gets lucky (actually she makes her own luck by saying "Martian Manhunter" out loud) and Martian Manhunter arrives to save the day. Since he's the only one that can defeat Despero (don't tell Batman I said that).

Martian Manhunter is a cross between Bloody Mary and The Candyman. Just say his name and you've got a surprise guest for your kid's birthday party.

Since The Atom knows so much about the superhero community and she keeps mentioning having read files, she must actually be a member of the Justice League of America. That's also why she's more desperate to keep her secret than to live. Because if Waller finds out The Atom let the secret slip, Waller is going to nail the little shit to the wall. Being on Waller's bad side is obviously worse than dying. Which means the saying Manhunter's name thing might only work for other members of the JL of A. So forget that kid's birthday party thing. You better just play it safe and hire the fucking clown.

I guess I could let this go but I'm not going to: the smaller you are in the DCnU, the harder it is to read your mind. I suppose it's like having a gigantic Ham radio antenna in your backyard versus a tiny little antenna mounted on the rain gutter. The Atom's tiny mind just puts out tiny little brain waves that are hard to pick up. And it also means Despero's psychic attacks are less effective because her tiny little brain just can't pick up the psychic waves.

I read this just after I wrote that last paragraph. Also, The Atom must be a triple agent and is working for the Super Duper Secret Society of Super Villains as well if she's afraid of what Martian Manhunter might see in her mind.

Cyborg can calculate where the Watchtower is going to land but he can't do the relatively simple math to teleport their asses on its falling structure. Teleporting this group into an empty space on board the Watchtower is no different than landing a rover on Mars! And even with some risk, Batman and Wonder Woman are going to willingly take that risk! Or Superman could just fly them all to the Watchtower just as quickly, right?

Martian Manhunter defeats Despero by reversing the flow of his synapses. Yeah, that totally makes sense. DC Comics: we am more scientifical than Marvel! He should have just said he blocked Despero's synapses from firing. Reversing them! Ha ha. You know what? Maybe he was making a Martian joke and it just went over my head because I've become so acculturated to Earth humor.

Instead of wiping The Atom's mind, he simply trusts that she won't tell anybody that he was there. Which means they must be teammates! It also means The Atom is going to have to take credit for reversing Despero's synapses! I guess she could have become really tiny and ran around his brain exchanging potassium ions with sodium ions and shitting in all of his receptors.

That lie might work on Superman dying from Kryptonite poisoning but don't you dare try to get it past Batman!

Superman was able to land the Watchtower safely on Earth before freaking out from a tiny little piece of Kryptonite. He heads to the sun to feel better while Aquaman finally climbs out of the ocean to make an appearance. Batman explains that he was studying the Kryptonite to find a cure for Superman's allergy and in no way was he ever possibly even contemplating in the slightest using the Kryptonite against Superman himself. Nope. Never crossed his mind.

Using some Dupin style deductions, Cyborg realizes that Despero didn't steal the ring. Somebody else got it for him. Probably that fucking Martian Manhunter! Whoever did take it also kept a sliver of the Kryptonite for themselves.

Afterward, Batman gives Superman a tour of his In Case of Emergency Batcave. He shows Superman that he has a briefcase with a means to stop any one of them if they go out of control. Wonder Woman's does not have a book of insults against women like I thought it might. Instead it's empty because Batman says Superman belongs in that box.

Superman, you don't need to prepare! Obviously if someone acts out, you can immediately deal with it. Batman doesn't have that luxury so his preparation seems morbid and depressing.

And then Batman gives Superman a box with the secret to take him down.

It's probably child pornography with Bruce Wayne's fingerprints on it.

Seriously, why does Superman need a case with some secret weapon to take out The Batman? Superman has super strength and freeze breath and laser eyes and super speed and flight. I'm pretty sure he can use any one of those powers to steal a gun to use to shoot Batman in the face.

In the end, it turns out The Atom is working for the Justice League of America. She may have been trying to shield her thoughts from Martian Manhunter because she could be Waller and Trevor's secret agent. The Atom is meant to be able to take out Element Woman but the JL of A have yet to find someone to counter Firestorm. I'm pretty sure they'll need Captain Atom for that. But The Atom probably won't be around for long since she has one hurdle there's no way she's going to be able to jump.

I'm pretty sure that Batman can't disprove that dropping trou and pissing in Despero's head wouldn't short circuit his brain!

The Shazam story begins with Billy Batson learning he made a huge mistake. Black Adam is not the small boy that was given the power of Shazam! He is the boy's uncle with whom the boy shared his power. And then the uncle stole all of the power and destroyed the boy because the boy was a no good beatnick peace loving love child. But Billy may have learned from that story that he can share his power with his siblings! And probably even a tiger!

Billy's siblings run a garbage truck into Black Adam to free Billy. But then they end up at Black Adam's mercy while Billy transforms to Shazam. And then the next issue is the conclusion of the great Shazam Family Origin Story! I'm sure Billy will share his power to save them all. And Black Adam will cry at how lovely it all is and slink back to Khandaq to be a dick later.

Justice League #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue gets a +1 Ranking for Element Woman making herself into a car and a +1 Ranking on the reveal that Black Adam is a gigantic dick. Okay, so that last one wasn't much of a reveal. But I did like how he usurped the Wizard's choice of champion. That was nice.

The Green Team #1

Finally! Characters that *I* can identify with!

It's about time a comic book showcases wildly rich, shallow young people drinking too much booze and exploiting rare wild animals simply to have an interesting accessory for other people to talk about. I've been reading comic books for about twenty five years and Tony Stark was pretty much the only guy representing me! But he was too ambitious and intelligent, so I still felt left out. But now! Just look at that cover! That's exactly how I've been living my life! Hopefully one of these guys likes to have sex with 80s gaming consoles or else I'll still feel underrepresented in the world of comic books.

The whole entire shebang begins with a kid named Mohammed heading to New York to try and meet with the super duper rich kid leader of the Green Team, Commodore Murphy. Mohammed is trying to prove to his father that he can make lots of money and he's hoping The Green Team can help him out with that. Commodore Murphy has secret Expos for mad scientists and crackpots to show their gizmos and gadgets which the Commodore then purchases to use for The Green Team. I'm guessing.

Thanks to instantly running into the cowboy hat wearing one's sister, Mohammed gets an introduction with the team.

Something better happen soon because these rich kids are boring me.

Commodore Murphy is definitely scouting equipment for use in super heroing but his pal J.P. in the Cowboy Hat has reservations about the stupid idea. Why put your life in danger when you have a fuck-ton of money to do anything you want? I guess that question answers itself since Commodore wants to be a superhero and has a fuck-ton of money. And being as rich as he is, he probably lives in a bubble and can't imagine anything bad ever happening to him. If he can spend enough cash, he should be able to buy invincibility and immortality.

While Mohammed is trying to figure out what the Commodore and his Green Team is all about, J.P. figures out that Mohammed has been uploading pictures from the event. Pictures tagged #GreenTeam with the GPS data still on them. This is a bad thing. Because rich people like to get kidnapped.

This guy, Riot Act, is the most interesting thing about this comic book so far.

To combat Riot Act, Commodore shoves a green disc on his chest and becomes Green Team Ranger #1! He then immediately flies off into a wall. Mohammed shoots Riot Act with an experimental laser from the show that doesn't do much of anything. And Mo's bodyguard tries his fists. They don't work but on the plus side, they're about as effective as lasers! That's got to be a confidence boost.

The Commodore learns to control his suit and get the upper hand on Riot Act just in time to find out that Riot Act is not a solo act.

Riot Act are a bit similar to the Emoticon guys from Morrison's pre-boot Batman Incorporated. Except with silly faces instead of emoticon faces, of course. I said similar to, not exactly like!

The Green Team #1 Rating: Rank #30. I'm a big fan of Ig Guara and I really like the look of this comic. And I'm absolutely sure that it will pick up in future issues but the set-up has been as dull as a rich person's garden party. It's the after hours drug fueled sex orgy that I'm looking forward to and I hope that begins in Issue #2!

The Salvaged Hawkman #20

Have I run my Salvaged Hawkman joke into the ground yet? I would still be using Turds of Prey if Duane were still writing it! That was my favorite.

At the end of the last issue, Hawkman found himself thrown into an abandoned well.

More like The Melodramatic Hawkman, amirite?! "Hey, Hawkman! While you're down there, make sure there aren't any bones or anything that need to be brought up and given a proper burial to end some kind of horrible curse."

Tom DeFalco must have learned to write from an ancient wise clown that believed writing needed to be like clown make-up: big, bold, and over-the-top so the reader understands the emotion of the piece. So on the first page, DeFalco smears a great big greasepaint grimace all over the book so the reader understands how much pain Hawkman is in, both physically and emotionally. He even uses the phrase "an infinity of agony" just in case you think Hawkman might be faking. Nope! Not faking! His pain is infinite, bitches! This man hasn't hurt like this since he crashed to Earth on the night of the hurricane! Oh snap! How is that for foreshadowing! Or backshadowing? Flashadowingback? Whatever it's called, Tom DeFalco just rained down some hooks for more Hawkman history, so y'all better be as intrigued as I am!

No, no. Hopefully you're more intrigued. Because as a cynical asshole, I can't really bring myself to care.

Next Hawkman checks his messages on his cell phone even though "his body screams in protest" and "every movement" tears through him "like a rusty dagger." Fuck dude. Lay off the greasepaint already. I get it! Hawkman is a sad clown in pain.

If just pulling his phone out of his pocket is this hard, how is he going to get out of the well. Granted, pulling a cell phone out of the front pocket of jeans can be the most difficult thing in the world depending on how you're sitting. Climbing out of the well might actually be easier.

Then the Nth metal tries to ooze out of him but he strains to keep it back like a fifteen year old boy trying to keep from ejaculating into his pants during his first slow dance. Fuck, do kids even slow dance anymore or is all just anal sex right on the dance floor? I'm so fucking old. Um, anyway, the reason Carter doesn't want to transform into Hawkman is because he's afraid to begin crying once he realizes his wings may not come back. And he needs to save Emma, not cry in front of her. Or down the well in front of her, anyway. So he decides to climb out of the well as Carter Hall!

Good fucking luck. Have you ever tried to climb out of a well before, Carter Hall? I'll tell you, I haven't. So maybe it's easy. I don't know. I'm just a guy reading a comic book at five in the morning wishing that the breakfast place around the corner was already open.

Here's some clown wisdom for the ages. Be sure to use it to advance your career at whatever shitty office job you might have (or may eventually) find yourself:

I don't know how you actually fight beyond all these things but it's not my place explain the mysterious ambiguousness of clown wisdom.

Too bad this wisdom doesn't help with climbing wells because Hawkman's thought is interrupted when he plummets back down. Perhaps if he could fight beyond short, stubby fingers.

Eventually Carter Hall just cheats and uses the Nth metal to create a claw that helps him scale his way out. So much for "if he has to escape this pit, it must be as Carter Hall." I guess 95% Carter Hall is close enough.

Meanwhile, Doctor Phaser is shaken down by Emma for information.

Did the Doctor always have an accent or does Tom DeFalco have trouble with the "o" and "oo" words just like the entirety of the internet?

The Omniscient Narrator continues to tell Hakwman's story as Carter climbs to the top of the well. It begins with "after escaping Thanagar, he ran directly into the hurricane which forced his starship into the Atlantic." That's one enormous hurricane if it stretched from the orbit of Thanagar to the oceans of Earth! Immediately after that, the doctors renamed him Carter Hall and FEMA helped him establish the identity of Carter Hall because why the fuck not? And then after he was released from the hospital, he ran directly into college where he met Emma. That's quite the fucking synopsis! Thanks, Tom DeFalco, for boiling down the whole of Hakwman's history into six stale fart Narration Boxes. Now I know everything I ever needed to know about Hawkman's transition from Katar Hol to Carter Hall! It was all a goofy mix-up! And even though the story is lacking in details or Hawkman's feelings or his reasons for going to college or how he paid for it or which college it may have been or why FEMA is committing crimes by creating false identities, at least it clears up nothing else as well.

Once Hawkman crawls from the well, he calls Amanda Waller and asks for the Justice League of America to come help him out. As if Amanda answers to Hawkman. If it isn't in Amanda's plan, it isn't going to happen. So suck it, Hawkman. You're going to have to transform, wings or no wings.

Without wings, his life as Hawkman is over. He will now be transformed into a gigantic pickle.

Eventually, Hawkman emerges from his cocoon not as a gigantic pickle but as The Salvaged Hawkman from the cover! Nearly dying almost always calls for a new look. Also, Tom DeFalco must love the phrase "jolts awake" since he's now used it twice in one comic book. Also, the Melodrama Boxes inform the reader that Hawkman now barely remembers Emma but he may still love her. Oh, that's so fucking romantic I'm weeping rose petals.

The best part about the newly transformed Hawkman?

His gigantic cock!

The Savage Cockman, amirite?!

Let us take a brief respite from the action to enjoy the soothing sounds of The Salvaged Hawkman's action scenes.

SPWA-QWOOOOMP!

THWOOK!

PTWAMMM!

SQAA-PWOOM!

SPUUKWOWK!

SPWA-TAMM!

KWA-TWOOOM!

SPWAA-DWOOOM!

Ahhh. Wasn't that refreshing? And now back to Hawkman.

Somehow Emma realizes that this new Hawkman might possibly mean that Carter Hall is no more. The penis may have been her biggest, most amazing, drool inducing, underwear ruining clue. That's a double entendre! It's subtle and you may not have gotten it if I hadn't pointed it out!

Man, I just can't stop thinking about that penis!

Back to the fight between Hawkman and Blockbuster, Hawkman starts spewing a lot of psychological bullshit at Blockbuster as he beats him. And just like I subtly clued everyone in to my big penis joke, Tom DeFalco makes sure the reader knows Hawkman is not just psychoanalyzing Blockbuster but himself as well! Which may have been an interesting twist if anything Hawkman was saying had anything at all to do with Blockbuster or the human Mark that serves as his host! Mark wasn't trying to gain anything except a cure for his Alzheimer's and yet Hawkman accuses him of wanting power, for "exchanging his humanity for mere power" and thinking "power is all he needs to feel whole" and that he "embrace[s] it like a desperate lover." Mark didn't think any of those things! He was just taking treatments for his condition and then was in an accident caused by Professor Ziegler!

I guess he's not doing anything different than what most of humanity does. Judging other people through their own flaws and desires.

Just after Hawkman punches Blockbuster dozens of feet into the air, Simon Baz arrives to contain him. But he wasn't sent by Waller because Hawkman called and was in trouble. No, he was sent to grab Hawkman for a new mission. Just like I said. Everything is done by Waller's timetable and fuck you if you think you're going to demand something from her. Like, you know, life saving or rescue.

Hawkman takes this time to finally respond to Emma's ultimatum with a "Fuck you" and an "I'm outta here" and a "How dare you give me an ultimatum?!" Or maybe he just barely remembers her or Carter Hall because he sort of died and was reborn as Katar Hol. Or something. How the fuck should I know?! It's not any more clear than why he began Issue #1 with burning his Nth Metal Outfit!

The Salvaged Hawkman #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. Good fucking riddance. This comic book was a complete mess from Issue #1 and it only got worse, especially after Liefeld got his non-artistic hands all over it. For what it's worth (nothing? What does that even mean?), Tom DeFalco did improve the quality of the comic book somewhat. But he had the easy task of just putting it out of its misery. This is one comic book that deserves to be retired at Rank #52.

...my gigantic cock!

Red Lanterns #20

So many fucking teeth.

This is it! The final issue of Wrath of the First Lantern! It's also the final issue by Peter Milligan which means Peter Milligan is currently not writing any of DC's New 52. I hope that will change quickly. I don't actually follow news on future comic books to avoid all possible spoilers, so he might be queuing up to write another title already. If he is, I'm sure somebody will let me know.

Thankfully this issue begins with the scene where Arkillo tells Atrocitus that Sinestro left one last Guardian for him to take his anger out on. I have a feeling this issue is about to get all tortury and super violent. And it does! Just not on Oa.

This guy is still a step up from dating a Red Lantern.

Hopefully Rankorr will kill this guy in front of Kim and then expect her to want to continue dating him. Of course her response had better just be to slap the shit out of Rankorr. Rankorr needs to realize that he is this guy now. He can't be a compassionate Bearer of Anger. If his emotion was compassion, he should be an Indigo Lantern. Hmm. That probably might actually happen seeing as how all of the Indigo Lanterns are ex-murderer dickcakes anyway. My guess is he'll accept his fate as a Red Lantern once Kim tells him that he's no better than her asshole ex-boyfriend.

When Atrocitus went off to peel the toenails from the last remaining Guardian, he sent the rest of his Corps back home to Ysmault. They were greeted by the Inversions. These are creatures with deadly genitalia in place of common facial features. They also know magic. They also hate Atrocitus and plan on destroying the Red Lantern Corps with their favorite spell, Transmute Legs to Dogshit.

It's the only spell I ever bother memorizing in Dungeons and Dragons.

While most of the Red Lanterns are wondering how they're ever going to go out in public again with fecal legs, Bleez makes a stand against the Inversions. When she gives her speech, something strange happens in my head and heart. It's like a plug finally sparks and fires up an engine that's been trying to turn over for thirty years. I see unicorns fornicating with fireworks displays until the fireworks explode their sparkling mess straight through the unicorns love canal, exploding rainbows, glitter, and sugared cereal from the unicorns eyes, nose, and mouth. In other words, I think I fell in love a little bit.

She sounds like me criticizing a Scott Lobdell comic book!

The Inversions retreat after Bleez's tongue lashing. Who can blame them? That cunt gives great what for.

Some people might not like the fact that I use the word "cunt" in a non-pejorative sense and instead used it to mean "a fierce beauty with which I'm completely enamoured." But I'll use words in whatever way I want to use them! I feel like Mouth at the bottom of the well in Goonies except I'm gathering words to my chest instead of quarters. "I'm taking them back! I'm taking them all back."

After chasing the last Guardian for ten pages, Atrocitus finally gets close enough to vomit on him and make him crash into the surface of Oa. He then says a lot more words than a Red Lantern should say. Blah blah blah! Wah wah wah! Atrocitus does consider, for a brief moment, keeping him as his Real Krona Doll replacement. But his anger finally reaches a tipping point after he reads the Yahoo! Voices blurb on the second New 52 Superman trade: "This is an excellent jumping-on point for people who have yet to give the Superman monthly title a chance." I guess that's technically true! At least they don't lie about it being any good.

"Why does The New 52 need a new Superman book when they already have one that sucks cosmic ass?! Just let Snyder take over the regular title so it isn't poo! And give Ted Kord a book in place of Superman Unchained! Also, die you stupid Guardian!"

Meanwhile Rankorr has returned to Earth and is in the process of killing the abusive ex-boyfriend in front of Kim.

I thought the slap would come after Rankorr killed the ex.

And then he kills the abusive bastard.

Rankorr finally accepts his status as Red Lantern. Now I hope he stops trying to deconstruct the job to make it palatable for himself. You're a vomit spewing rageoholic now. Own it! Teach the others how to make constructs and get back to just fucking up the universe. With the understanding that the Red Spectrum's Cosmic Police Force is stupid bullshit, you can be free to embrace it and simply enjoy the work.

Red Lanterns #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book had some really nice moments. Bleez berating and driving back the Inversions was shades of Ostrander's Amanda Waller at her best. Atrocitus driving his hand through the head of a Guardian. Those Guardians have practically turned me into a Red Lantern over the years from my hatred of the little bastards, so that was a lovely scene. And Rankorr finally dropping his human issues. Now, bring on Guy Gardner!

New Guardians #20

The New Guardians still need a Green Lantern.

I guess the New Guardians need a Black Lantern as well if they're going to be a complete set. Which leads me to ask something about Hal Jordan that I forgot to ask in Green Lantern #20. Is he still wearing the Black Lantern ring as well as the Green Lantern ring? And if so, is he still dead? If he loses the Green Lantern ring, will he go back to being a corpse? And how can a corpse have a baby as seen in Sinestro's vision of the future? Or did the Green Lantern ring simply resurrect him? I suppose even if he is a Black and Green Lantern and a corpse, Kyle Rayner will eventually be able to heal him as his White Lantern powers get stronger, as also seen in Sinestro's vision. I guess what I'm saying is Hal Jordan should be an honorary New Guardian simply because he's got the two colors needed to fill out the set.

This issue begins with a note saying that it takes place after Green Lantern #20 for people who don't own a dictionary (or an internet connection to an online dictionary) and are confused by the words "finale" and "epilogue". This is the type of note that, while really not needed here, should be used more often when characters crossover to other titles and the comics come out the same week. Since New Guardians #20 and Green Lantern #20 came out this week, the note should definitely be used. Although it's odd that Green Lantern Corps #20 which came out two weeks ago didn't have a note at all! And it spoiled the finale for those people too impatient to set it aside!

Two mysterious speakers (Ganthet and Sayd?) are observing Kyle and discussing his feelings in the aftermath of the Wrath of the First Lantern finale. He's at home painting portraits of all of his companions over the last year and a half.

I'd hang these on my wall! Now I feel bad for constantly calling Kyle a crappy cartoonist!

Previously on Kyle's way home from Oa five hours ago, he runs into Saint Patchwork Face and I suddenly wonder how the artist who did Kyle's New Guardian portraits is the same artist who drew this:

I'm sure it has to do with whoever did the pencils and whoever did the inks and whoever did the gorgeous looking water color portraits. Saint Patchwork Face has some mighty muscular thighs here.

Kyle begins using his ring to check in on the other Lantern Corps since his ring is basically The One Ring and the others are akin to the Rings given to the Dwarves. Somehow. I think in some way that has to do with dragons and treasure. Kyle discovers that the Blue Lanterns have a new planet and headquarters although it isn't stated where that is. But the Yellow Lanterns he cannot locate. Atrocitus of the Red Lanterns is less pouty, having gotten his focused rage back. That's probably because Sinestro allowed Atrocitus to kill a Guardian. That had to be fun.

Not that I would ever kill anybody! Well, maybe. I can't write that off entirely! I should say, I'm not planning on ever killing anybody!

Little Kyle is growing up and learning to accept creatures that puke lava on other creatures. How cute.

Kyle flies around the world talking with Saint Raggedy Andy and helping people in desperate situations. He also moans about how Volthoom enabled him to meet his dad and it was a huge letdown. But the situation he showed Kyle isn't what happened so it wasn't his real father. Kyle treats the situation as if that really was his father and his father really is a mechanic somewhere. That's what his father would have been if Kyle had gone with his father. His father's probably buried in a shallow grave in the Everglades!

Saint Walker tries to tell Kyle that he should just drop the Daddy Issues because parents are just people and they're fallible and they're challenged and life is tough for everyone. Yeah, maybe, Mr. Saint Defender of Bad Parenting, but not everybody decides to have children. Those that do have an extra duty to be responsible for this new being. They have to change their lives and their dreams and their desires because it wasn't the kid's choice to be born. Kyle's dad may have reasons and stories and circumstances that can explain why he abandoned his son but he'll never have an acceptable excuse. Except for that shallow grave excuse. I'll give him that one.

Saint Walker ends up believing that Kyle did see his father as he is now. I can accept that simply because I don't actually know what the rules were and how Volthoom changed things! I just like to pretend I know everything or else my commentaries sound wishy washy, meek, and boring. I have to state everything with conviction! Anyway, Kyle sits down to paint a picture of his dad's service station from his memory. And then he goes to see him.

"Hey dad. I'm Green Lantern! I sure as heck hope you're not a super villain!"

And then Ganthet and Sayd decide that Kyle has grown into a fine boy just like I decided! Ganthet also admits Kyle taught him some stuff about emotions and human emotions and other emotions and probably courage and maybe some dirty jokes. Then Sayd and Ganthet run off to find adventures in some future DC sci-fi title back-up feature.

New Guardians #20 Rating: No change. I really, really hope Kyle's father is a super villain!

Green Lantern Corps #20

Yay! I think "Epilogue" means over!

This comic book has been sitting on the bottom of my new comic pile for two weeks now because DC is full of stupid dumb dumb heads that can't do anything right. Well, I guess they can do lots of stuff right but I'm not going to credit them with any of that stuff when I have a bone of contention to pick out of their faces. This comic clearly states "Epilogue" right there on the front! See it? Tiny letters? Right up top? And yet it came out two weeks before the Wrath of the First Lantern Finale! That's worse planning than the Catwoman/Justice League America catastrophe they had last month! Unless it was the beginning of this month? I don't remember! I just wanted to use the word "catastrophe" in relation to Catwoman!

I'm glad G'nort didn't make the cover of this issue because that would have ruined the surprise G'nort appearance in Green Lantern #20. If you haven't read Green Lantern #20 yet, I just made that up about G'nort appearing in it. That never happened. But you should probably have read that issue before reading this issue anyway! Don't you know the definitions of "epilogue" and "finale"?!

The issue begins with Kilowog and Guy pulling Salaak out of the closet the Guardians had locked him in because he was getting too nosy and uppity and rebellious. They fill him in on what happened in Green Lantern #20 and ruin the surprise for anybody that didn't know what the word "epilogue" meant and read this book two weeks ago.

I guess that image doesn't totally spoil it. The Wrath of the First Lantern could have ended in an orgy and that could be semen covering the two of them. Although Kilowog saying they died kind of makes it a really horrible orgy.

Meanwhile John and Fatality ride Mogo back to its home orbit in Sector 2261. And then John and Fatality fuck each other right on Mogo's face.

So two women have sex in Batwoman and it gets a Teen Plus Rating. But three Green Lanterns have some kinky three way sex and it's just a Teen Rating! Where's the consistency?!

Back on Oa where everybody is currently keeping their dicks and vaginas and whatever planets fuck with in their pants, Salaak shows Guy Gardner some footage of the Guardians conspiring with Xar to set Guy up for dereliction of duties or some other fancy charge. And now that the Guardians are dead, Guy needs to hunt down Xar and get him back in the Oan super cells. Or to, you know, kill him. I think Guy is going to be leading the Red Lanterns soon so there might be some tragedy associated with Xar and Guy and Guy's family coming up. To prevent this from happening (although I've seen the adverts for Red Lantern #21 with Guy Gardner so I don't think anything can be prevented!), Guy brings Saint Walker along on the hunt so that Guy can be super duper charged when he fights with Xar. And sure enough, Salaak tracks down Xar. He's on Earth and he's terrorizing Guy's family.

Nobody's died yet and here he comes! So what's going to go wrong?

Guy Gardner's super-charged ring disintegrates Xar in one gigantic two page panel. And then the Gardner family hugs! Although Guy's dad might just be hugging his other son and daughter because he's happy they're safe. He might still hate Guy for not saving a whole plane full of people from dying. Well, old man, did you save them? No? Well be mad at yourself as well then! Guy didn't plant the bombs, you stupid drunk asshole. I have no time for bitter old men!

Fuck. I guess I'm going to hate myself in a few decades.

Afterward, the Gardner siblings go camping.

That hum is probably created by the one or so atmospheres of pressure on your ear drums created by the ring around your body so you don't bubble up and explode while in deep space. Or maybe it's just the hum of the ring as it constantly maintains the pressure and oxygen around your body. Plus all the cosmic radiation! But I doubt Guy has spent any time in space unprotected to hear the actual sounds because when he is unprotected, he's probably too busy dying to think, "That's an odd hum!"

Guy decides he's going to take some vacation days now that Geoff Johns isn't around to push him into one catastrophe after another. So he hangs out on Earth trying to relax. Day Seven of his vacation is probably my favorite.

I'm surprised the cover didn't proclaim, "Guy Gardner versus the King of Atlantis!"

Guy only makes it about ten days. It's the people that drive him away. Bunch of jerks living on Earth, I tell you what.

Also his brother is stupid.

Green Lantern Corps #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Who was Guy Gardner dating when he threw the asshole through the movie screen? She looked familiar! I think Fire and Ice had a bit of a Justice League Satellite Teleportation accident and they were fused into one person and that's the person Guy was dating. I'm pretty sure Green Hair plus White Hair ends up being Blonde Hair. Anyway, as always, Tomasi presents an enjoyable story driven mostly by the characters. Who needs an action packed plot when you can make people this interesting?

Green Lantern #20

This cover is missing G'nort. I am disappoint.

Right from the start, I know I'm going to have trouble with the resolution of this story. How do you defeat somebody that can alter reality? My guess is you have to be human and filled with emotions because humans and emotions are apparently rare in the Universe even though all of the Lantern Corps are based on emotions. Also, you have to be incredibly stubborn like Hal Jordan so that you can refuse to believe the changes in reality. You must also be brash like Hal Jordan so that your enemy can't predict what you're going to do. And you must believe that you love even when you don't love so that love can win through and you can continue to fool Carol Ferris into thinking that you love her. Also having thousands of Lanterns as back-up probably doesn't hurt. You might also have to begin as a dead Black Lantern so your opponent underestimates you and believes you can't do anything because you're dead.

The issue begins with the time tag: "Beyond tomorrow." So I guess they mean next weekend? Hopefully next weekend, the Guardians will be out of town forever and it'll be party time on Oa. It begins promising with nary a blue head in sight! A new recruit has just finished training and heads to the Bookkeeper to hear the most boring story in the universe:

It's probably been embellished and exaggerated after thousands of years so that Hal Jordan now seems interesting and exciting.

Hey! Don't let my bias against Hal Jordan make you feel bad that you like the pathetic jerk! You're free to admire and like any old boring hero you want!

Before getting to the point of the story where Issue #19 left off, The Bookkeeper must summarize Hal's life in a few panels. In the beginning, he ignored saving the universe and spent his time flirting with carol Ferris. Then Doomsday destroyed Coast City and Hal Jordan became Parallax, you dig? But then he wasn't Parallax anymore because he called for help from The Spectre. I wanted to say he became The Spectre but that's Preboot history and this truncated history doesn't actually say he was ever The Spectre. [Later Hal is shown to be The Spectre at one point.] And then he went from one gigantic DC Crossover to another until he eventually ended up as a dead Black Lantern, arriving in Geoff Johns final Green Lantern story. And hopefully beginning a new era of Green Lantern where the universe isn't always on the brink of extinction.

Oh yeah. And Sinestro returned to his roots.

The Bohemian Guardians of the Universe head to Maltus after being freed from the Prison at the Center of Nothing because their only inmate was freed by the CEO Guardians of the Universe that have constantly tried to keep the citizens of the universe down by controlling everything with their constant armies and police forces. But they find the Heart of the Guardians is gone, having been consumed by Volthoom. It is fitting that the CEO Guardians of the Universe had to leave their hearts behind before they went off on their selfish journey of power and entitlement.

Speaking of the word "entitlement," I have to say it's rather fitting that the people who feel most entitled are the ones that began using the word to describe everybody else. How dare people follow their passions in life when those passions aren't concerned with earning scads of money and then they dare to want to have access to reasonable health care as well. I guess they should abandon their dreams for their one and only lifetime and get with the fucking capitalist program and start grubbing all the money. Fuck y'all that call everyone lazy simply because their work doesn't fit into the money making paradigm of your United States of Fucking America, you goddamn bitches. And guess what? I'm a fucking business owner saying this shit! I'm a job creator! Of course, my business is employee owned and there's only one employee and the job I created was my own. But that's the only job worthy of my time anyway.

And let's get me started on the phrase "job creator"! Fucking dick barges that created that word are the biggest goddamned assholes in the country. Who wants your fucking created job with no benefits and minimum wage? A job with no fucking security that doesn't get anybody anywhere but treading water! Eat my dick! No, wait. Let me fuck myself in the ass for a second. Okay, NOW eat my dick. These pricks want everybody to bow down and thank them for the shittiest jobs in the world with no security by labeling themselves "job creators" when they're really just opportunistic assholes chopping away at the middle class in order to create a country composed of rich people and wage slaves. Guess why they want that? Because then the critics and the artists won't have time to criticize and articize!

These liberal middle class Green Lanterns better stop trying to completely outlaw guns because they're going to need their fucking heat to fight off the corporate chain gang military Manhunters that come knocking down their doors when they call in sick for work one day!

Man. These Guardians of the Universe really piss me the fuck off! Where was I?

They're so arrogant they don't even know when they're about to lose everything!

It turns out The Great Heart is actually The First Lantern. And when it was created as a receptacle for the emotions of The Guardians, a ring also appeared as a means to access the power of the First Lantern. And Volthoom the Time Traveler was there to try it on. The One Ring!

Now that the new Xbox is called Xbox One, when it breaks down, will we be referring to it as the One Ring of Doom?

I always assumed Ganthet could feel emotions because he was the only Guardian to get laid when they began dating the Zamarons. This works too!

The next thing that Volthoom attempts to do explains why the universe isn't in complete trouble now that he can rewrite reality. He has to use the main Power Battery as an access terminal to the past. But Guy Gardner and the Green Lantern Corps (and Carol Ferris) arrive to put a stop to his chicanery. Volthoom scoffs at them because his power is back and he uses the phrase "tip top." When something is "tip top," it means it is "the bees' knees." I'm not sure why Bees need knees since they fly all the time and when they're not flying, they're stinging you. I also don't understand why Bees Knees mean the best thing ever. Just like the Cat's Meow! It makes no sense! But Tip-Top does! Because it's the top! Cat's Meow is what hip chicks and grooving guys say when something is tip top! Volthoom's scoffing comes from the fact that his creations are real now instead of mere constructs!

You know what, Volthoom? That's stupid and not much of a threat. Most people don't really care if they're killed by a space octopus made of light or a space octopus made of flesh and blood. Okay, so I guess you don't have to concentrate to maintain the space octopus once you make it. So that's kind of an advantage. But it really only evens the playing field when it's one guy that can make real things with his ring against an army of thousands that can only make cheap imitations of those things. If I were an odds maker in Las Vegas (and I'm not! I know! Shocking!), the odds of you winning would not be good. That's bookkeeping slang for you're going to lose! I looked it up in Wikipedia just now to make sure that I sounded authentic!

Meanwhile Hal Jordan is finding death suits him. He contacts the Indigo Lanterns because they're linked to the entire spectrum for some reason that people who have been reading all of Geoff Johns' stuff probably know. He's expecting them to help him out of The Dead Zone even if it means they'll have to put the Guardians of the Universe's Remorse Ring production on hold.

And then the real heroes arrive to give Volthoom a good old fashioned taste of what for!

I don't actually know what it means to "get what for." I don't think anybody does! Because nobody has ever continued being a spoiled brat when an adult told them they were going to get what for if they continued being a dick! And I bet those that did, didn't survive the what for because the parent had no idea what the what for was either, having never pushed the line with their parents. So the only solution at that point is to kill your kid because you can't have one of those little shits calling your bluff. That's what's wrong with the world today! Parents letting kids call their bluff left and right! Don't any of these newfangled parents play poker?

Dagnabbit! I feel like I'm using a lot of old timey words and phrases in this commentary, by gum.

After Atrocitus snaps Volthooms neck but it doesn't take, the Green Lanterns try to get back into the fight. But Zilius Zox tries to keep them out of the battle so Atrocitus can take his revenge on Volthoom. And then my heart bursts with fucking joy and tears, goddammit, I'm telling you tears welled up in my eyes at this next scene!

I just knew this flibbertigibbet would show up!

I've used this phrase before but I like it and it's entirely appropriate for this moment: I literally figuratively stood up and cheered when this happened! There's so much to like in these two panels. First, of course, is the triumphant return of G'nort in a non-flashback moment of the New 52 (okay, technically this is a future flashback of the present. But it's the present!)! Second is G'nort's genius use of a gigantic dog to grab Zilius Zox like a tennis ball. And third is Gnort's first line of the New 52: "Better late than never." Fuck yeah, G'nort. Fuck yeah.

I know my commentaries aren't really the best reviews. They're really just entertainment and a way for me to remember what's happening in each comic book from month to month. But since this is a long book, let me take a break to say what I think of this so far: this book is kicking ass. If this is what Geoff Johns' Green Lantern books were like in the Naughts, I can see why they kept going back to the Green Lantern Well for huge crossovers. While the rest of the Volthoom story up until this point was kind of meek and timid and not very focused, this is definitely a finale (so far!) worth tying up the first year and a half of The New 52 Green Lantern. And I think I had my first really huge fanboy moment of The New 52 with that (bears repeating!) triumphant return of G'nort. I have to go blow my nose now.

The Red, Blue, Violet, and Green Lanterns, along with one White Lantern, pour all of their energy into Mogo and Mogo rains it down upon Volthoom. He's blasted and weakened but he still claims he's going to win because he "traveled to the beginning of time" and saw his destiny. So is everything that will ever happen written down on a whiteboard at the starting point of time? How else would Volthoom know he wins if he went backward in time? Shouldn't he have gone forward in time? Maybe I just don't understand time. Have I been reading my fucking clock wrong for forty years? Jesus Christ! Why hasn't anybody told me?! Do people just politely not point out to adults that they're idiots?! No wonder the only job I've been able to keep is the one where I work on my own schedule! Also the one where I don't have to deal with people. Also the one where I can tell people to fuck the hell off if they treat me like shit and I won't fire myself.

After Volthoom declares, "Ha ha! You failed!", he gets a gigantic Yellow Lantern Battery dropped on his head. It looks like it's time to add some Yellow Light to the mix! And I guess only when the Indigo Tribe and Hal Jordan show up will Volthoom be on the breaking point. But he still won't be defeated until somebody can convince Larfleeze that it's in his best interests to throw a little Orange Light their way.

And right on cue, the Indigo Tribe arrive to Nok Nok Nok and open the gate to the Dead Zone so that Hal Jordan's corpse can make its stunning debut!

I'm ruining the binding on this oversized comic book to scan these pictures!

Hal Jordan's army of dead things looks pretty impressive on a two page spread but they're all wiped out in a panel one page later. I guess they were too hard to draw over and over again. Also, Volthoom captures Hal Jordan and begins to work his reality changing mojo on him. I guess Volthoom needs the Green Power Battery to alter the general past but he can alter people's pasts on a one-on-one basis. He begins digging into Hal's life to find a moment when he was completely overcome with fear as a means of getting a claw into Hal and changing him for good. Which will probably work out for the best since it should keep him from being dead at this moment.

Although if Hal is instantly changed from a Black Lantern into a Green Lantern once again, I don't know why the Book of the Black declared him the greatest Black Lantern! That must mean all of the other Black Lanterns were super horrible because Hal has done absolutely nothing as a Black Lantern so far.

Whoops. I guess I was wrong. Say goodnight, universe!

In order to try and stop Volthoom undoing he current universe, Sinestro summons Parallax out of the Great Yellow Power Battery Lantern. I never know whether I should call it a battery or a lantern and yet they're all lanterns so you'd think that decision would make itself. Parallax enters Sinestro to take control but Sinestro seems to be master of Parallax. I suppose he just sucked down his power and is ready to save everything.

Sinestro manages to save the current universe by ripping out Volthoom's heart. But it's just a minor delay. Because it turns out Volthoom has a pretty big fucking ego. You can survive for weeks without a heart if you're ego is big enough and you declare yourself a god.

So Mogo didn't defeat Volthoom. Black Lantern Jordan didn't defeat Volthoom. Sinestro and Parallax Sinestro didn't defeat Volthoom. The Green Lantern Corps didn't defeat Volthoom. None of the other Corps were able to defeat Volthoom. Kyle Raynor and Simon Baz weren't able to defeat Volthoom. I think that leaves Larfleeze! Unless the Bohemian Guardians are going to swoop in and save the day with some acid and groovy music. Except this is the rebirth and story of Hal Jordan. So I have a feeling that Green Lantern Hal Jordan will be the Volthoom Defeater and the Day Saver.

But first Hal Jordan needs to do the thing that will make him the greatest Black Lantern to ever not live.

I don't know if Nekron is the author or the editor of The Book of the Black but it would make sense that he would claim Hal Jordan was the greatest Black Lantern if Hal rescued him from eternal obscurity.

With Nekron at his side, Hal Jordan knocks the emotional spectrum out of Volthoom, turning him back into a human. At that point, Nekron cuts him in two.

Hmm. Okay, well, that was a little anti-climactic. But I suppose Hal could only do the emotional spectrum drain after all the other attacks had been made on Volthoom, weakening him to just before the point where it could be done. Then when Nekron makes Volthoom shit his pants, it was time to launch his attack! Hal Jordan saves the universe! And, as a side effect, saves the Guardians of the Universe as well. I hope those Indigo Lanterns have the Remorse Rings ready to shove on their fat blue fingers.

And then a ring decides to rechoose Hal Jordan as a member of the Green Lantern Corps. Stupid ring! Can't you see he's dead and already a member of a Corps! I hate you, you stupid ring! Go fuck yourself!

But there's still hope for a truly happy ending!

Yes! Punish them! Rip their throats out! Pull their colons out of their asses! Piss in their kidneys and stuff them with feta cheese and deep fry them and sell them at a fair!

But that still doesn't happen! The Sinestro Corps explode form their prisons in the ground to create a distraction so that Sinestro Parallax can wander off and kill the Guardians himself. Okay! Cool. What do I care who kills them? Just get rid of those fuckers already. If Geoff Johns ends his run by removing the Guardians once and for all, he'll forever be the greatest person to ever have big enough balls and enough editorial power to silence those little shits. He'll also be the least person to ever do that since he'll be the only one but who said I ever made sense in my commentaries? Fuck sense! It takes too long!

Although I'm sure they're just going to learn to live with their emotions and maybe their Rings of Remorse and they'll probably have to live on a commune with the Bohemian Guardians.

To determine the fate of the Guardians of the Universe, Hal Jordan and Sinestro Parallax have a quiet discussion full of salient points and sound, philosophical reasoning. But in the end, it's all just intellectual banter since Sinestro has already killed the little fuckers.

This should be The Story of Sinestro! He's the one that saved the readers from having to read another story about the Guardians of the Universe being out of control and power hungry. Although I'm not sure I trust those Bohemian bastards yet!

Sinestro said he killed them all but the reader never sees him kill Ganthet. And then Arkillo tells Atrocitus that Sinestro left one for him. So it's possible that Atrocitus still has Ganthet alive to replace his Krona Doll.

And with the end of the story, the reader is returned to "Beyond Tomorrow" to possibly learn the identity of the mysterious Bookkeeper! I want to guess it's Hal Jordan and his arrogance is keeping his name alive with this story. But it might be Sinestro living forever with the power of Parallax and making sure everybody remembers his good friend, Hal Jordan. Of course, it also might be G'nort because he deserves it.

The page after "The End" when the story still continues because the new Green Lantern wants to hear about the lives and deaths of the great heroes after The Wrath of the First Lantern, there is an image of the Bookkeeper where you an see some purple color on his face. So it probably is Sinestro.

The book ends with a few short stories of Corps Members.

Guy Gardner. Now he's knocking people out in one punch.

John Stewart returned to Earth with Fatality where they were married and John went into politics. Kyle Raynor became a Space Healer until he gave his very last for others.

Justice League's death? I'm sure that's metaphorical!

The other Corps continue to do other Corps stuff. And Hal Jordan marries Carol Ferris and they have a baby named Martin and they live happily every after into old age. Hmm. That story makes me think these are all bullshit!

The Bookkeeper is Sinestro but he doesn't reveal his story. How he saved Ganthet. How he somehow saved Sayd. How he reunited them. How he told Larfleeze to suck it.

And that's how it all ended forever and ever! Except for the epilogues and the rest of the issues that will continue to tell the stories of the various Green Lanterns.

Green Lantern #20 Rating: +5 Ranking. It took Geoff Johns to give up the reins of Green Lantern to have all of the various plot threads tied up nicely so that the story didn't just ooze on into another cosmic crisis crossover! And I've got to say I wasn't disappointed. I've only followed Green Lantern for the last year and a half though. So I'd have to leave it up to other people who were reading Johns' work across the last ten years to really describe how the story worked as a whole. I think there is one thing that DC could learn from this experience that they won't learn because money is involved: epic, amazing stories can be told if given the time and patience to let a writer develop them. A title needs stability to have this kind of impact on the medium of comic books. I realize it's not always possible. But I think DC has to realize at some point that the occasional title that might not be selling as well as they like could be a critical success. These comics need time to grow. They need experts who recognize good shit when it's presented to them and not just experts who can see two numbers and determine which is higher. Once DC realizes a book is being written well with great characters, perhaps they need to subsidize a book like that with another Batman title! Just link two books together and take the median amount made by both books and give these well-written books time! Think of something! Please! Because the death of comics will not come from people not being interested in Batman. The death of comics will come from shitty stories being rammed down fans throats simply because they star a favorite character.

Whatever. I'm sure I'll keep reading DC for a little while yet.