The Salvaged Hawkman #20

Have I run my Salvaged Hawkman joke into the ground yet? I would still be using Turds of Prey if Duane were still writing it! That was my favorite.

At the end of the last issue, Hawkman found himself thrown into an abandoned well.

More like The Melodramatic Hawkman, amirite?! "Hey, Hawkman! While you're down there, make sure there aren't any bones or anything that need to be brought up and given a proper burial to end some kind of horrible curse."

Tom DeFalco must have learned to write from an ancient wise clown that believed writing needed to be like clown make-up: big, bold, and over-the-top so the reader understands the emotion of the piece. So on the first page, DeFalco smears a great big greasepaint grimace all over the book so the reader understands how much pain Hawkman is in, both physically and emotionally. He even uses the phrase "an infinity of agony" just in case you think Hawkman might be faking. Nope! Not faking! His pain is infinite, bitches! This man hasn't hurt like this since he crashed to Earth on the night of the hurricane! Oh snap! How is that for foreshadowing! Or backshadowing? Flashadowingback? Whatever it's called, Tom DeFalco just rained down some hooks for more Hawkman history, so y'all better be as intrigued as I am!

No, no. Hopefully you're more intrigued. Because as a cynical asshole, I can't really bring myself to care.

Next Hawkman checks his messages on his cell phone even though "his body screams in protest" and "every movement" tears through him "like a rusty dagger." Fuck dude. Lay off the greasepaint already. I get it! Hawkman is a sad clown in pain.

If just pulling his phone out of his pocket is this hard, how is he going to get out of the well. Granted, pulling a cell phone out of the front pocket of jeans can be the most difficult thing in the world depending on how you're sitting. Climbing out of the well might actually be easier.

Then the Nth metal tries to ooze out of him but he strains to keep it back like a fifteen year old boy trying to keep from ejaculating into his pants during his first slow dance. Fuck, do kids even slow dance anymore or is all just anal sex right on the dance floor? I'm so fucking old. Um, anyway, the reason Carter doesn't want to transform into Hawkman is because he's afraid to begin crying once he realizes his wings may not come back. And he needs to save Emma, not cry in front of her. Or down the well in front of her, anyway. So he decides to climb out of the well as Carter Hall!

Good fucking luck. Have you ever tried to climb out of a well before, Carter Hall? I'll tell you, I haven't. So maybe it's easy. I don't know. I'm just a guy reading a comic book at five in the morning wishing that the breakfast place around the corner was already open.

Here's some clown wisdom for the ages. Be sure to use it to advance your career at whatever shitty office job you might have (or may eventually) find yourself:

I don't know how you actually fight beyond all these things but it's not my place explain the mysterious ambiguousness of clown wisdom.

Too bad this wisdom doesn't help with climbing wells because Hawkman's thought is interrupted when he plummets back down. Perhaps if he could fight beyond short, stubby fingers.

Eventually Carter Hall just cheats and uses the Nth metal to create a claw that helps him scale his way out. So much for "if he has to escape this pit, it must be as Carter Hall." I guess 95% Carter Hall is close enough.

Meanwhile, Doctor Phaser is shaken down by Emma for information.

Did the Doctor always have an accent or does Tom DeFalco have trouble with the "o" and "oo" words just like the entirety of the internet?

The Omniscient Narrator continues to tell Hakwman's story as Carter climbs to the top of the well. It begins with "after escaping Thanagar, he ran directly into the hurricane which forced his starship into the Atlantic." That's one enormous hurricane if it stretched from the orbit of Thanagar to the oceans of Earth! Immediately after that, the doctors renamed him Carter Hall and FEMA helped him establish the identity of Carter Hall because why the fuck not? And then after he was released from the hospital, he ran directly into college where he met Emma. That's quite the fucking synopsis! Thanks, Tom DeFalco, for boiling down the whole of Hakwman's history into six stale fart Narration Boxes. Now I know everything I ever needed to know about Hawkman's transition from Katar Hol to Carter Hall! It was all a goofy mix-up! And even though the story is lacking in details or Hawkman's feelings or his reasons for going to college or how he paid for it or which college it may have been or why FEMA is committing crimes by creating false identities, at least it clears up nothing else as well.

Once Hawkman crawls from the well, he calls Amanda Waller and asks for the Justice League of America to come help him out. As if Amanda answers to Hawkman. If it isn't in Amanda's plan, it isn't going to happen. So suck it, Hawkman. You're going to have to transform, wings or no wings.

Without wings, his life as Hawkman is over. He will now be transformed into a gigantic pickle.

Eventually, Hawkman emerges from his cocoon not as a gigantic pickle but as The Salvaged Hawkman from the cover! Nearly dying almost always calls for a new look. Also, Tom DeFalco must love the phrase "jolts awake" since he's now used it twice in one comic book. Also, the Melodrama Boxes inform the reader that Hawkman now barely remembers Emma but he may still love her. Oh, that's so fucking romantic I'm weeping rose petals.

The best part about the newly transformed Hawkman?

His gigantic cock!

The Savage Cockman, amirite?!

Let us take a brief respite from the action to enjoy the soothing sounds of The Salvaged Hawkman's action scenes.

SPWA-QWOOOOMP!

THWOOK!

PTWAMMM!

SQAA-PWOOM!

SPUUKWOWK!

SPWA-TAMM!

KWA-TWOOOM!

SPWAA-DWOOOM!

Ahhh. Wasn't that refreshing? And now back to Hawkman.

Somehow Emma realizes that this new Hawkman might possibly mean that Carter Hall is no more. The penis may have been her biggest, most amazing, drool inducing, underwear ruining clue. That's a double entendre! It's subtle and you may not have gotten it if I hadn't pointed it out!

Man, I just can't stop thinking about that penis!

Back to the fight between Hawkman and Blockbuster, Hawkman starts spewing a lot of psychological bullshit at Blockbuster as he beats him. And just like I subtly clued everyone in to my big penis joke, Tom DeFalco makes sure the reader knows Hawkman is not just psychoanalyzing Blockbuster but himself as well! Which may have been an interesting twist if anything Hawkman was saying had anything at all to do with Blockbuster or the human Mark that serves as his host! Mark wasn't trying to gain anything except a cure for his Alzheimer's and yet Hawkman accuses him of wanting power, for "exchanging his humanity for mere power" and thinking "power is all he needs to feel whole" and that he "embrace[s] it like a desperate lover." Mark didn't think any of those things! He was just taking treatments for his condition and then was in an accident caused by Professor Ziegler!

I guess he's not doing anything different than what most of humanity does. Judging other people through their own flaws and desires.

Just after Hawkman punches Blockbuster dozens of feet into the air, Simon Baz arrives to contain him. But he wasn't sent by Waller because Hawkman called and was in trouble. No, he was sent to grab Hawkman for a new mission. Just like I said. Everything is done by Waller's timetable and fuck you if you think you're going to demand something from her. Like, you know, life saving or rescue.

Hawkman takes this time to finally respond to Emma's ultimatum with a "Fuck you" and an "I'm outta here" and a "How dare you give me an ultimatum?!" Or maybe he just barely remembers her or Carter Hall because he sort of died and was reborn as Katar Hol. Or something. How the fuck should I know?! It's not any more clear than why he began Issue #1 with burning his Nth Metal Outfit!

The Salvaged Hawkman #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. Good fucking riddance. This comic book was a complete mess from Issue #1 and it only got worse, especially after Liefeld got his non-artistic hands all over it. For what it's worth (nothing? What does that even mean?), Tom DeFalco did improve the quality of the comic book somewhat. But he had the easy task of just putting it out of its misery. This is one comic book that deserves to be retired at Rank #52.

...my gigantic cock!

The Salvaged Hawkman #19

Yay! This is the last of these stupid double wide covers that don't fit on my scanner!

Blockbuster is tearing Hawkman's wing off on the cover. Since Carter Hall doesn't walk around with wings, I suppose they're grown by the Nth Metal. So I suspect this is only a temporary setback for Hawkman and he'll have two wings again in no time.

My favorite ever moment with Blockbuster was when he was killed in Legends. Unless that was a different guy and a different comic book series.

Last issue, Shadow Thief stormed off in a huffy shadow and Emma pouted off in an ultimatum. It was the worst day of Hawkman's life when it comes to dealing with women. But now he's ready for a new day to dawn on the day's dawn! He's got a gig with Justice League of America and people are beginning to respect him. Sure, he's still being written by Tom DeFalco but what can you do? Some day, I'll get over being a gigantic prick to these writers and I'll only say nice things. Maybe that day is today! Instead of being mean, I'm just going to take that one stupid person's advice: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say shitty things instead." I think Jesus said that. I'm sorry I called Jesus stupid. But you never know! It's not like The Bible printed his IQ or his standardized test results or anything.

So, Tom DeFalco! Are you ready for me to read your comic book and only say nice things? Shocking, isn't it? Any time I want to be mean, I'll just say, "_______________!"

Man, I hope this entire commentary doesn't just end up being one long underscore.

Tom DeFalco opens the comic book with a simile.

"__________________!"

Hawkman is already battling Blockbuster when the comic book begins. And Blockbuster is apparently the most powerful fucking man in the universe ever because he crushes Hawkman's Nth Metal Mace with his bare hand! I had no idea Blockbuster had such amazing power levels! He's amazing! Too bad Hawkman is inextricably drawn to this battle like a sharpened knife to an exposed throat or else he'd be able to flee like a polished spoon from a terrified narwhal.

But then Tom DeFalco decides that this is too much action for the reader to handle right off the bat, so he takes us back in time 24 hours to find out how Hawkman pissed off Blockbuster. It probably has something to do with Catwoman since Blockbuster captured Catwoman at the end of Justice League of America #3. Unless it has something to do with Emma. Or Shadow Thief. Or Hawkman's mom. I'm just throwing out any old woman now! That's not as misogynistic as it sounds!

So before Hawkman got his Nth Metal crushed by Blockbuster, he was flying around Manhattan thinking, "No way in hell I'm joining that stupid ass Justice League of America with those knob flobbers Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor!" "Knob Flobber" is a Thanagarian insult meaning a person who flobs knobs.

"Or I have to wash my hair. Or volunteer at the animal shelter. Or get my wing ripped off by Blockbuster."

Who thinks "J.L. of A."? I know it's Justice League of America but everyone just thinks of it as the JLA! Who is this guy? Some kind of alien that doesn't know the standard convention for shortening The Justice League of America? I guess I should forgive him for that. I'm still not sure if it's Batman or The Batman!

Oh wait! It's The Goddamned Batman! Whew. I knew I knew that one!

The next morning, Carter and Emma take Emma's father to Rest Haven where they meet that other guy that was strapped down and costing medical science a lot of money. Tom DeFalco seems to think that people with Alzheimer's and other memory problems simply say "ahhh" after every three or four normal words. He probably learned that from his great research he's done on the disease. I hope they find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease soon. It's just so depressing to watch great minds descend into a constant state of inserting "ahhh" into every sentence. So sad.

Emma's father isn't too lost in his dementia to remember his doctor's name and to seek him out on his own while Emma and Carter remain outside with the other looney tunes patient.

Why does he throw the posable artist model into the trash? Is that a metaphor for tossing out all past medical knowledge in favor of bullshit and mumbo-jumbo?

Emma's father decides to stay overnight with the Nazi Dr. Phayne. Also there is an old covered well on Rest Haven's property that might become important later because it was drawn in the foreground of a long shot. Maybe that's just me being overly influence by Ringu.

After dumping off the old man at Rest Haven, Carter and Emma go home to Carter's apartment so he can thought bubble "JLA" correctly and then have a relationship talk with her. Dump her, Carter! Dump her now!

Or take a dump on her. Whatever. I'm not here to judge.

But before Carter can tell Emma that he chooses the half of the ultimatum that gives him his freedom, Emma's dad calls and interrupts. He may have Alzheimer's but he knows a screwy place when he checks himself into one and spends a number of hours there listening to the other patient scream his head off. While he's on the phone, he stumbles into Dr. Phayne's lab where he's treating Mark, the young man that says "ahhh" all of the time.

This is what happens when you let people with dementia have free reign to stumble around your hospital. Well, this and little cups of ketchup for dipping Doritos in stashed under all the beds.

Because they heard a "SKRASHH" and a "PWA-DA-QWOOOM" over the phone, Carter detects that something is wrong! He transforms into Hawkman and flies off to Rest Haven! Of course he has to take Emma with him. Again.

When Hawkman arrives at Rest Haven, he finds Professor Ziegler, Emma's dad, transformed into Blockbuster! Or a Blockbuster like-a-look, anyway. I guess it doesn't really matter. Apparently a lot of people can be Blockbuster! They just have to stumble into the right Alzheimer's Experimental Treatment Lab and smash everything in sight. That's because the experimental treatment used Steroids. And everybody knows that Steroids makes you super muscular if you shower in them. Perhaps lightning struck at the same time. That's a reasonable explanation for the transformation.

Except Mark is the one that really turned into Blockbuster! He's about ten times bigger than Emma's dad and Emma's dad has probably already forgotten that he was a raging lunatic monster and gone to lie down. But now Mark...ahhh...is attacking Hawkman who...ahhh...has been drawn to this...ahhh...battle like a frigid fork...ahhh...to an overheated casserole.

During the battle, Emma accidentally gets knocked out by her father and Hawkman gets one wing ripped off. Now he matches my Super Powers Hawkman Action Figure from the 80s which lost a wing when I drove The Batmobile off the back porch with Hawkman riding shotgun! I was just ahead of my time!

But then the real battle begins: Blockbuster versus Blockbuster!

How does the real Blockbuster fit in to all of this?

And then the covered well comes into play as Hawkman is tossed to the bottom of it! Score: Master Comic Book Reader: 1016. DC Comics: 24. And that's being charitable!

The Salvaged Hawkman #19 Rating: No change. "____________________________!"