Justice League of America #9

It's been so long since the last issue, the cover artist forgot that Superman died.

My Thoughts!
• I know some of you are confused by this issue! The Rebirth Justice League has not been rebranded JLA and hasn't skipped ahead a few issues! This is the JLA story Bryan Hitch was writing sometime in the eighties that he never got around to finishing. But some accountant at DC Comics noticed they'd paid Bryan Hitch for a comprehensible JLA story and he never delivered. It was apparent that they were never going to get what they had paid for (a comprehensible JLA story) so they threatened that if he didn't just finish the stupid thing however he could and deliver something, they were going to have to grumble incessantly, possibly in the direction of their lawyers. Also I think I might have been a bit hyperbolic about this story being from the eighties. But then, I don't think I should be held responsible for the way I perceive time. I didn't write up the blueprints for my brain.

• If you had managed to continue reading this book up until Issue #8, you still probably don't remember what was happening so here's a little recap: everybody on Earth was tricked or manipulated into believing in God. Except for Batman. He was all logical and shit and was all, "TT! That's the sound I make when I disapprove of something! What am I, British? Do any other superheroes constantly tut? I mean, Damian does but then he's just emulating me because why wouldn't he? I probably learned it from Alfred. That motherfucker will tut a woman in labor for her lack of decorum in showing she's in pain." I think that basically covers it!

• This is Issue #9 but Part Eight of the story because earlier in the series, Bryan Hitch missed a deadline and a Martian Manhunter story had to be wedged into this book. DC still cared about getting this series out on a timely fashion back then, even if it meant interrupting the story with what amounted to an advertisement for the Martian Manhunter comic book. I guess they stopped caring about deadlines soon after that which is why anybody who picked this up probably has no clue what's going on.

• The Flash is currently in the past (is that a logical statement?) with the Infinity Corporation who are using some mystic stones they can't comprehend to power their entire corporation. I think the whole point of their corporation is to keep Superman from dying. Good thing they're in the past or else they'd know they've failed!

YOLO!

• I guess The Flash and the 1960s Infinity Corporation have just arrived at the present because the stones are ecstatic that they've finally located their friends, some other stones. I think Rao is using them as his testicles. I don't mean that literally! I mean he's using them as his juice! His power! His man spirit! You know, the thing that gives him the arrogance to believe might makes right and that nobody matters but himself.

• Meanwhile on Ancient Krypton, two versions of Rao are having a conversation that probably won't end in dick sucking. That's why I can't believe time travel in comic books. Whenever two versions of the same person meet, they never engage in any kind of sexual shenanigans. Okay, Harley Quinn at least kissed herself in Harley's Little Black Book #4. But she was just testing a scientific hypothesis! And not the one I want to test which has to do with enjoying sucking my own dick. Would I sixty-nine myself? Would I be the receiver? The giver? None of it is gay, right? If I were limber enough to suck my own dick right now, I totally would!

• Green Lantern is in prison on Ancient Krypton because his ring stopped working. Most powerful weapon in the universe, my ass! How is that a saying? It doesn't even make sense! Did I get it wrong? Maybe it should be "Most powerful weapon in the universe which you can put in my ass!"

• Back on Earth, Rao is all, "I'll show you my stones if you show me yours!" And the Infinity Corporation scientist is all, "Totally!" And The Flash is all, "And I'm the one they call The Flash!" Then somebody does a rim shot.

If humans were immortal, how long before they use up the storage capacity of their brains? I imagine, being an organic system, the brain would just write over old memories. But how fucked up would life become once you reached the storage limit and every new memory erased a random past memory? What if you accidentally overwrote an important routine in the operating system?! Might your heart forget to beat?!

• Oh! I'm finally getting the proper end of the thread! The Flash and the Infinity Corporation appeared on Rao's Cathedral before it got to Earth. So all this shit with The Flash is prelude to the Earth story and all the shit with Green Lantern is...well, I don't know. Prelude? Epilogue? Cosmic nonsense? I guess since The Flash and Green Lantern were ignored last issue, this is their issue. We'll catch up on everything and have a better understanding of what happened after Superman died in Issue #10. If that is ever, you know, published.

• Rao tries to take the stones from the Infinity Corporation and to convert The Flash and his scientist friends. But The Flash, being the greatest superhero in the DC Universe (even though he's constantly out-shined by Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern and Ambush Bug), kicks Rao's ass. He then gets the scientists to return to Earth which catches him up to the story last issue where he appeared to help the Justice League in their battle against Rao by feeding the Parasite the Speed Force.

• It looks like Rao's trip to Ancient Krypton takes place after Superman died. He's gone to collect an army to bring back to Earth since Earth defied him. Or he's going to bring Earth to Ancient Krypton. I hope it's that one so that the Justice League can defeat Rao and then Earth will be stuck in the past in a solar system with a red sun.

• Finally, the narrative returns to where last issue ended. Fifteen minutes after last issue ended if I'm being precise. In the intervening minutes, Wonder Woman has been doing CPR on Superman. I know Diana is strong but can she even compress his chest or force air into his lungs?

• Diana fails with CPR so that means Superman is dead. That's it. He's just dead. If CPR doesn't work then there's no hope left. None at all. Nada! Zip! Zilch! He is el muerto! Deceased! Kaput!

Oh wait! I forgot about the mythic Hollywood trope that you can shock a flatline back to life!

• This might be one of the few times shocking a heart back to life is okay since Diana is using the Bolt of Zeus which almost certainly has the power to bring the dead back to life.

• And then Krypton appears in the sky. I don't think the sudden appearance of that kind of mass would cause any problems at all, right? The real problem is that Rao suddenly has an entire planet of supermen ready to attack the Earth.

The Review!
Aside from the long wait, the story isn't as bad as I keep wanting it to be. I mean, it's not great. But there are ideas that I like here. And the plot is coherent and manageable, if you look squint-eyed at the time travel and prophecy stuff. It feels a little bit like two stories with the time travel stuff stitching them together. Basically the Justice League defeated Rao at the end of Issue #8 and that might have been that if Rao didn't have the power of the stones he stole from the Infinity Corporation (at least I'm guessing he took them because Rao's were just about gaining life and the other stones had the forever time travel thing going on. It's not clear in the story because it seems like The Flash and the Infinity Corporation head to the present with the stones. Maybe Rao took them in Issue #8 and I've forgotten. Or maybe he got them in an earlier issue. Time travel is confusing). With that power, Rao is able to instantly return with an army ready for a rematch. So it's a bit like Part Two of the story which is less complicated than Part One because Part Two is where all the facades are dropped and the fists are raised.

Suicide Squad Special: War Crimes #1

Hopefully this image is literal.

The Things!
• I know I rave about Ostrander's run on the Suicide Squad from nearly thirty years ago but I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be disappointed by Ostrander's new interpretation of the team. I didn't mind being disappointed by The Others when it was written by Ostrander because The Others were terrible. Hmm. Maybe that's how I can get around not feeling disappointed! Since most of The Suicide Squad's since Ostrander's run have been terrible (or interesting but a bit confusing and cut short, like Giffen's run), I can just read this as if it were another disappointing attempt at making the team work again. And then if it isn't disappointing, I can be surprised and relieved! Although then I'll just be disappointed that Ostrander isn't writing the Squad regularly anymore. Either way, it seems like this is going to leave me feeling terrible.

• One thing I might be able to count on, especially since this is called "War Crimes", is an actual story and sensible plot. Ostrander always seemed to be able to come up with a plot that would work on its own without involving the team. He didn't begin the story from the point of view that he was writing a Suicide Squad story. He would come up with an actual plot that could be an international incident and then explode that plot by having a bunch of chaotic jackasses in charge of solving it.

• The story begins with a guy named Mr. Secretary being kidnapped by Suicide Squad Europe. That's a weird name: Mr. Secretary! I wonder if that's Greek?

• The European version of the Suicide Squad is called Strikeforce Europa which proves Europeans aren't too smart. You're supposed to be secret so that other governments can't tie you to them! It's not like America created Task Force America! The "X" variable is the important part of the name! You should be Strikeforce Zed! Of course, Strikeforce Europa might want everybody to know exactly on whose behalf they're committing international crimes. Besides, who is behind some organization named Europa anyway?! The European Union itself? Just one or two European countries? The organizers of Eurovision?

• Strikeforce Europa is kidnapping Mr. Secretary because they want to try him for war crimes. That's well and good but don't you think, Strikeforce Europa, that maybe you're going to be in a little bit of hot water for killing all of Mr. Secretary's bodyguards and press secretaries? It's going to be hard to get other people to side with your righteousness when they realize you've killed several innocent people just doing their jobs. Sure, this Mr. Secretary may have committed some war crimes which you'd like to see him brought to justice for on an international stage. But at this point, it would have been better just to shoot him in the head as opposed to letting the only guy you suspect of war crimes live while killing everybody around him.

• Amanda Waller lets the Suicide Squad know that they'll be off to deal with this situation. Amanda points out Mr. Secretary is definitely guilty so it's kind of a problem for the United States that he'll be put on public trial for his crimes. And since the government can't invade The Netherlands where he's been taken, it's up to the Suicide Squad to sneak in and rescue him. Or, more probably, just kill him.

• So far this story is just an excuse to have the Suicide Squad battle Strikeforce Europa. The rest of the story is pretty flimsy!

"To Barney" in Australian means to discuss Franz Kafka's longer works over coffee and doughnuts.

• Amanda explains that the leader of Strikeforce Europa, Angel, kidnapped Mr. Secretary on her own initiative and that her superiors are upset. That sounds like just the kind of thing superiors say to distance themselves from some underling's terrible and murderous actions!

• Amanda also explains that Mr. Secretary's crew who were killed were all ex-military guys working for a private security company operating in the Gulf. Which means none of them were probably innocent so I retract my complaint about them being killed. They probably deserved it!

• I'm sorry! Nobody deserves to be killed in a random terrorist attack! I mean, some people might deserve it a little more than other people, but nobody really deserves it! That blood-lust was just my Liberal Hate Rage showing.

• Strikeforce Europa has five members and the Suicide Squad has six. So maybe Strikeforce Europa has a secret member to make the match-up even? Or maybe Mad Dog is planning on betraying the Squad?

• Here's the probably match-ups: Angel versus Harley; Lionheart versus Deadshot; Guerrieroa versus Captain Boomerang; Kavga versus Diablo; and Rick Flag versus Schatten. Unless Mad Dog will battle Schatten and Rick Flag will battle the mysterious sixth member of Strikeforce Europa!

• The Squad have a three minute window to grab Mr. Secretary while he's being transported from his cell to his trial. Amanda has a plan but Plan A always goes tits up. So mostly the Squad will probably just be winging it. I mean, they have to battle Strikeforce Europa before securing Mr. Secretary and that should take longer than three minutes.

• At least they got right to the meat of the book! Although Floyd and Flag are missing. I smell Plan A in action!

• Lawton and Rick have managed to get jobs as security escorting Mr. Secretary. So while the rest of the Squad distract Strikeforce Europa, they begin murdering all of the security personnel escorting Mr. Secretary. Now can I complain about innocent people just doing their jobs getting killed for this prick Mr. Secretary? Or am I supposed to believe that the Hague has hired Mr. Secretary's security force to transport him from prison and that they can all speak Dutch and that Mr. Secretary doesn't recognize any of them?

• After Mr. Secretary is secure, the rest of the Squad are told to scarper. That's Australian for "go by the store and grab a gallon of milk, a stick of butter, and a loaf of bread."

I'm so used to nobody dying in this comic book I forgot about this option for Mad Dog!

• According to the staples, I am exactly halfway through the comic book and it's told the story I was expecting it to tell. So it looks like it's one of those spy thrillers where the initial problem is solved early so that a new problem can crop up and make a headache for everybody. I suppose the new issue will be Strikeforce Europa attacking the Suicide Squad in the United States. I don't really care what happens to Mr. Secretary at this point. The Squad may as well kill him since they really only needed to keep him from embarrassing the United States government.

• Oh. I should have turned the page before assuming that the Squad escaped after Mad Dog's head blew off. Apparently it's just gone into the chase scene part of the thriller.

• But the secret sixth member appears: Shado! Although now that means Strikeforce Europa has too many members for a fair fight! Unless Guerrieroa was killed by Mad Dog's neck bomb. That would be acceptable.

• "Hey, John? I see you want me to draw a car flipping over from an arrow in the front tire? I don't know if that would really...." "I'm fucking John Ostrander, bitch! You draw what I write, you piece of fucking shit amateur!"

• Shado is actually an independent mercenary working for Black Mountain. I guess Mr. Secretary hadn't signed the checks yet for the last month. Otherwise why would they care if he was killed? I'm sure Mr. Secretary's secretary could run the company.

• Shado escapes with Mr. Secretary by helicopter as the Squad's diversion team follow after. Flag and Lawson (who is unconscious and probably dead because--Remember!--motorcycles are for organ donors, kids!

• Strikefore Europa all arrive at the scene in their own cars. I think that's...adorable? Also, um, a waste of gas, of course!

• Captain Boomerang mentions how the whole mission is "right in the crapper--right on schedule." Just like I said! As if I held some spectacular title or something?

• Captain Boomerang knocks the helicopter out of the sky in a way that I don't feel I need to complain about because did you see the way the car flipped? What the hell kind of physics class were being given in the seventies? Unless Ostrander took physics in the sixties! I don't know how old he is! Plus, I mean, the helicopter thing is totally what would happen! Maybe the boomerang remaining in control and on trajectory under the downward thrust of the rotors might not be correct. But that's really being picky and I'm not smart enough to be that picky! I'm just smart enough to know that blowing a front tire on a moving car will not cause it to flip directly over like a bike with a broom handle stuck in the spokes.

• My initial match-ups are all screwed up because the line-ups have changed drastically. Harley Quinn is even battling Shado who wasn't even an option at the beginning! So basically it's just a huge melee now.

• Somehow Mr. Secretary survives the helicopter crash. I guess people just survive helicopter crashes in Suicide Squad stories. It's becoming their thing!

• The Suicide Squad manage to escape leaving Strikeforce Europa chomping at the bitch for a rematch.

• Wait. Did I get that saying right?

• When the Squad returns to U.S. soil, Amanda shoots Mr. Secretary in the back. The Squad is all, "WTF?!" And Amanda is all, "Reasons!" And that's it!

The Review!
You know what? I'm not disappointed at all! This story isn't going to change the face of comic books but it took a standard Suicide Squad story and mixed it up a little bit. Ultimately, it all went as any Suicide Squad fan would have expected. I guess Waller shooting the guy who we all knew had to be killed anyway was a twist. Or was it? I mean, Waller loves to shoot dicks when she gets a chance. The characterizations were familiar and I like a Squad that ultimately understands that they need to work as a team, no matter how insecure the writer feels about the audience buying it. This was like a glimpse into Ostrander's old days. Deadshot and Flag in control and taking the mission seriously. A loose cannon clown (previously it was two clowns, Punch and Jewelee). And Boomerang being a dick and getting somebody killed on purpose for the lolz. I thought I would be disappointed either way this turned out but I forgot it could turn out this way: good enough to be enjoyed but nothing revolutionary that made me think, "Why the fuck isn't Ostrander the permanent writer on this thing?!"

Harley's Little Black Book #4

So the new publishing schedule of this title is "Whenever the fuck we feel like it"?

The Things!
• Yay! Now Harley can say all of the disgusting things I've been thinking about the DC Bombshells! This way is much better. People will think it's cute and endearing and sexy when Harley says the exact same things that I want to say which would sound creepy, sexist, misogynistic, possibly racist, inhuman, psychopathic, and sexy!

See? I probably couldn't say hardly any of this!

• I mean, I could say anything I want! But as everybody loves to parrot, "Free speech doesn't free me from the consequences of my speech!" But apparently saying "Free speech doesn't free you from the consequences of your speech" frees you from the consequences of your speech which is most likely going to be the worst speech anybody's ever heard. But I guess that's the attraction of the Twitter mob. You're relatively safe from consequences if a thousand other people are also telling the person who said something you disagreed with to kill themselves.

• Apparently if you're a good person, you're allowed to say any horrible thing you want to a person you've decided is a bad person. I think maybe Jesus gave the go ahead on that one?

• The world isn't going to change because you find a flaw in everybody in the public eye. Although your world will, and it will be miserable. Except, I suppose, for those moments you're attacking somebody someone said was a dick for some reason and it gets your adrenaline spiking and your brain jizz flowing. Those are probably satisfying moments.

• I should probably get back to reading this comic book so I can point out how terrible the writers are. I need a moment of satisfaction in my miserable existence.

• Do editors nowadays demand that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story where, from that point on, it goes like normal until it arrives once again at the scene that began the comic book?

• Can editors nowadays stop demanding that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story and just being the comic book from the beginning of the story?

• Harley Quinn time travels. That's how she winds up in World War II. If you thought maybe she wound up in World War II some other way, you're weird.

• Maybe you're not so weird though because is it really time travel if Harley Quinn winds up in a version of World War II where people she knows are fighting the war? I guess it's more accurate to say she alternate universe travels. Right, weirdo?

• Harley spends a good amount of her time in the past noticing people say and do offensive things. Too bad there's no Twitter so she can ruin their lives.

• It's strange how we all have these many unbearable sadnesses existing within us and yet we still manage to act like we aren't completely and utterly broken.

• The Nazis plot their insanely evil plots that are so insane that they will ensure people will think of them as clowns for decades after and where their uniforms in mock hilarity. What? My new editor is saying you can't wear Nazi uniforms to parties anymore. She also says I probably shouldn't wear them while writing as well.

• I hate to be that nerd but seeing as how we're all so into STEM and shit...Actually, hot air rises. Which, I mean, is practically the same thing given the environment we live in. But what if you found yourself living in a vacuum with another person and a bunk bed and the heater was on the floor and you were all, "Oh! Oh! I'll take top bunk! Ha ha ha!" Then you'd freeze to death! I think. I mean, I don't actually know. I'm probably not the person to be "Actually"ing any STEM subject. Unless the "M" stands for "Masturbation".

• Harley Quinn is hit by the car that past Harley Quinn is in just after the above panel. So now they'll probably kiss.

• Harley Quinn winds up unconscious for awhile so another artist can fill in the extra pages on this $4.99 monster with a hallucination.

• In Harley's hallucination, she battles Hitler Joker Dracula. I hope DC puts out a figure for him! Speaking of figures, here's my Amazon Wish List for anybody who wants to throw some money away!

• Harley Quinn wakes up and decides she understands the physics of comic books. I suppose if anybody does, it's her. So when she realizes she changed the past and created a parallel universe, she decides she can do anything she wants in the past. Like maybe kiss herself in a secret place, right?

• When I typed "secret place," I meant Hitler's underground bunker!

• In this parallel universe, Germans don't speak German with other Germans. But they do speak in bad Hogan's Heroes accents!

• Hitler will be at the thing the Bombshells are planning to thing, so now the thing is another thing. Harley Quinn had better get there fast so she can do something hilarious to Hitler and say, "Ain't I a stinker?"

• Hitler never makes it to the thing because his car picks up Harley hitchhiking up the mountain. She then spends a few pages treating Hitler the way a good portion of the world would treat him. Did I say "a good portion of the world"? I meant "the good portion of the world." The dickholes would probably jizz in their pants.

• Harley steers Hitler's car into a snow drift and then fills the car full of bullets. Hitler escapes with his life. Oh man. I bet he's going to be so pissed after this that he'll...well, I don't know how he could be any worse.

• After the big Nazi versus Bombshells battle, Harley winds up in Adolf's bunker to abuse him some more. He kills himself for some reason. I thought he loved being berated and beaten by women? Maybe he just got so wound up thinking about her shitting on him that his pistol accidentally went off.

• Harley returns to the present where the issue ends without one mention of her beaver, cock, or wiener dog.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #1

The Things!
• Time for Six Pack and Dog Welder to see America and realize that they can't solve the world's real problems like racism and homophobia and sexism and whatever affects straight white guys that's as bad as those other things. Maybe poverty for the ones who are the most racist, homophobic, and sexist!

• Don't you wish you never had to clarify anything you said because most people don't understand subtlety and can't seem to think for themselves? From now on, instead of clarifying something that somebody misunderstood (because they generally misunderstand it on purpose in pursuit of their own agenda), I'm just going to start shrugging a lot.

• Garth Ennis decides to get the maudlin bit out of the way before he starts in on the Bueno Excellente sodomy jokes. Hiding in the dark, Dog Welder watches his family from outside the picture window as they settle in with a new father and husband. See, he was possessed by the Dog Welder costume but apparently enough of his old self exists to feel sad over the loss of his old life. Or maybe he was just hoping the presents the kids were opening would contain puppies.

• But enough of that sentimental shit! Let's get back to Noonan's!

• No, Six Pack! You're reading it upside down and probably backwards. The message is that superheroes can't fix racism!

• I think maybe I'm Six Pack! Except without the drinking. Because when he says "Provin' racism is bad, an' AIDS is okay, an' all that kinda important stuff...", I get a sense of deja vu. Like maybe I've said that before! Racism is bad! And AIDS is okay! I mean, it's not the stigma it was when that actor clown was president! Now it's like you meet somebody with AIDS and you're all, "Hey! You've got AIDS too! Great!"

• I sort of missed the point when AIDS seemed to become fairly manageable. Did somebody market a medicine based on Magic Johnson's semen? Maybe I missed it because the media stopped treating AIDS like the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse while AIDS medicines just quietly got better and better at managing the disease so that it wasn't the disease that did so much damage to the world. I don't even have it and it's affected my life in really terrible ways. Like every time U2's "One" comes on the radio, I'm like, "Arg! I wish I was dead! But not from AIDS!"

• Six Pack and Hacken are having a discussion at the bar but it's different than their past discussions because Hacken has decided to become an intellectual. Mostly that means he reads books while sitting at a bar deflecting Six Pack's statements back at him as questions and pursing his lips a bit as he sips his cider. So basically he's become one of those people who sip beers at the bar while reading to make up for their lack of a personality. I suppose it's something.

• Hacken lists Section 8's recent missions: Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo; Sandman: the Buenomancer; Secret Bars; and Retardance. So Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo is a riff on Hitman's Zombie Night at the Zoo. Sandman: the Buenomancer is a more disturbing image of Sandman than the Cockroach's version in Cerebus. Secret Bars equals Secret Wars. But Retardance? I'm missing the reference on that one even if the image is not making me laugh at all because that would probably be wrong for some reason.

• Bueno is cheating on Guts with every dumpster in The Cauldron. Guts is currently being consoled in Noonan's by her superhero buddies, Power Girl, Catwoman, and Starfire.

• This issue might have the best characterization of Starfire ever.

• It only takes a few pages for Garth Ennis to freak me the fuck out over how disgusting and terrible the human body is. How does sentience reside in this disgusting meat factory of slop?! It's fucking lipstick on a pig, the human experience! My mind can contemplate the most sublime ideas while my body rumbles, growls, squelches, and slowly fails me. Thanks for bringing me down, Ennis! And you're not off the hook, Russ Braun! Enough with the detailed vomit and snot and drool and whatever all the other puddles and mounds of possibly rectal filth are!

• While Six Pack tries to figure out a way to get the team to at least be better than the Teen Titans, some weird Great Old One shit is going down outside in the sky. And then Constantine arrives to explain to Dog Welder what he really is.

• John also explains that Dog Welder and the mask have some connection with Egypt, so I guess he's sort of like Doctor Fate but with some kind of puppy power. I think if I don't capitalize "puppy power," I'm not infringing any trademarks.

• The big green glowing swirly Great Old One mess in the sky just turns out to be The Spectre. He says he's come for "the fugitive from divine justice" as he points at Section 8. After the whole Constantine bit, it seems obvious he means Dog Welder.

The Review!
Garth Ennis has made a career out of hating super hero comic books and finding ways to write them anyway. Which is really why he generally writes such good superhero comic books. Because he isn't writing comic books about super powers attached to people. He's just interested in writing the stories about people who might just happen to have super powers, or live in a world where people have super powers. Plus since he's writing in that world, he enjoys poking fun at that world just as the fans do constantly, even while still enjoying it. I mean, Garth Ennis wrote Hitman, a guy whose x-ray vision and mind-reading ability were supposed to help make him the greatest hitman ever. And yet how often does he use those powers in the entire run of Hitman? Occasionally he'll use the x-ray vision but I think he practically gives up on the mind-reading right from the start. Anyway, that's how I remember it! I haven't read Hitman in twenty years, probably. Speaking of which, I really should fucking get to reading The Boys, another series that's pretty much anti-superhero. I wonder if Excalibur's Labor Day sale counts for trades too? I guess I should go check later today!

Teen Titans #23

Beast Boy is definitely wishing Queen Bee was wearing a skirt.

The Things!
• Batman calls up Tim Drake to let him know that the Teen Titans are no longer fugitives. Amanda Waller decided she didn't want any of the arrogant bastards in her prison and she pulled a few of her millions of strings to make sure the Teen Titans never have to take responsibility for all of the stupid, illegal bullshit the other terrible writers of this comic book had them do. Everybody associated with the Teen Titans, and everybody who loves the Teen Titans, should be queuing up to kiss Tony Bedard's ass because he's finally making this team into an interesting, cohesive unit that might actually make themselves useful to the world.

• Exhibit A: This is cute and adorable and Teen Titany.

• The Titans are hanging out in New Orleans because, as teenagers, they can probably find dozens of different places to drink. I mean, you can find dozens of places to drink in any city if you're underage. It's just easier in New Orleans because everybody is loopy from the constant jazz music.

• The city comes under a psychic assault by The H.I.V.E. Red Robin shows he's a genius by getting the leader of the H.I.V.E.'s name wrong. She's the H.I.V.E. Mistress! Or possibly Queen Bee! But not H.I.V.E. Queen, dum-dum! Unless she's currently Hector Hammond?

• I wonder how many people I've called "dum-dum" in my life when I was in the wrong? Maybe all of those other dum-dums should be more confident in their opinions!

• Everybody in New Orleans is mind-controlled which is a perfect time for anybody who resisted the mind-control to do all of the illegal shit they've always been wanting to do. Then if they get caught, they can just plead mind-control like everybody else!

• All of the New Orleanseans begin buzzing which is probably a bad sign although it might just be something they do down there in the Big Easy.

• Why is it called the Big Easy? Because it's easy for minors to find places to drink?

• Somebody's vagina is exploding!

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tells the Teen Titans her plan because overconfidence looks good on a super villain. So sexy.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen (who really is Queen Bee but they're not calling her that even though Red Robin points out this is the same person who almost defeated Superman when she attempted this plan in Metropolis awhile back) has decided to take over the world again but this time she chose to start in New Orleans because New Orleans doesn't have a Superman defending it. Too bad the Teen Titans were on vacation!

• Red Robin makes up some science and technology so his plan to find the H.I.V.E. Queen seems feasible. It's not though because psionics don't work the way he thinks they work! Anybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM knows that it works via shifts in tonal vibrations and not bio-chemical heat signatures. Duh!

• Red Robin sacrifices his teammates to find the H.I.V.E. Queen so now it's just Red Robin versus the world. Or at least New Orleans which, if you're from New Orleans, you already agreed with the "world" part.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tries to read Red Robin's mind when he and Raven fall victim to her power at the foot of her command center. That's when she screams in terror and passes out. I bet that was an old Batman trick! He probably trained his mind to project Two Girls, One Cup whenever he's mind-controlled.

• So exactly what I said. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Come on, Tony Bedard! At least come up with a crazy example of Red Robin's "four-dimensional logic puzzle" instead of just saying "It was a way more complex form of 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?'" Especially since everybody knows the sound of one hand clapping is a kind of inhuman screech.

• Red Robin apologizes that he used the Teen Titans like pawns and the stupidest one of the group, Gar, is all, "Chess analogy! I know a chess analogy!" Please. I might believe Garfield would have come up with a retort if it were a checkers analogy but what does that moron know about chess? I'm super smart and I can't even name all of the pieces!

The Review
And thus ends the Golden Age of the Teen Titans! Future generations will look back on The New 52 Teen Titans as the most brilliant example of how not to write a comic book. It seems a bit unfair for me to state that at the end of Tony Bedard's run which was probably the only readable bit of the Teen Titans in the last five years. It's insane to even think that he wrote anything coherent with the flaming wreck he was given to deal with. It was like an entire city was on fire and he was tasked with saving the mayor's gerbil in the center of the conflagration and he managed it. Also the mayor's gerbil started the fire so it's odd that anybody wanted to save the little bastard. I just hope Bedard's run doesn't wind up being just a glimmer of what the series could have been if Benjamin Percy tanks his turn at the wheel.

Oh, my mistake! There's one more issue!

The Flash #5

Barry, that is impossible.

The Things!
• Barry Allen decided to tell Doctor Meena Dhawan that he's The Flash because she made googly eyes at him. I guess they're a couple now even though they only kissed at the end of the last issue. That was probably so Joshua Williamson can have one of them make a joke about how fast their relationship is moving.

• Meena is calling herself Fast Track. Ugh. I "ugh" because it's typical of The Flash comic book to bury the reader in puns and her name is because she can "track" other speedsters. But "Fast Track" is also a thing people say that has nothing to do with her powers! Which is what makes it a pun. I think.

• Meena winds up training Wally because he doesn't want anybody knowing he has powers. But she was all, "I know you have powers! Use your powers! I'm going to keep bugging you until you use your powers!" Wally eventually gives in and uses his powers. Luckily he likes it but there may come a time when he thinks back to this moment and realizes the older person abused her power and trust and got him to do something he wasn't yet ready to do.

• Godspeed attacks STAR Labs and steals the Speed Force from a bunch of the trainees. That's a good thing because there are way too many speedsters in this story.

• Meena is one of the speedsters and she not only loses her powers but her whole body as well. The Flash comes to help but he's too late and only finds her costume.

• August Heart was with Flash the entire time so how can he also be Godspeed? I'm sure there's an explanation! It probably has to do with time travel!

The Review!
This might just be the Rebirth comic book I care the least about. Look at how little I had to say about it! If I really cared about it, I probably would have asked some serious scientific questions like "How quickly can Fast Track and The Flash fuck without anybody being injured?" or "If Meena took a lover who suffered from premature ejaculation, could she use the Speed Force to orgasm more quickly?" or "Why isn't this comic book more entertaining?"

Wonder Woman #5

Thick bush double entendre.

Steve Trevor has been captured by some guy named Cadulo who is looking into becoming a god of some kind. Probably the usual kind of god who is a huge dick and makes everybody's lives miserable. Even the imaginary gods (i.e. all of them) do this by not being there to answer the prayers of the miserable and disaffected. The best piece of dogma religion ever came up with is saying "God helps those who help themselves." You know who also helps those who help themselves? Themselves! Did that make sense? You know what? I don't care.

Greg Rucka begins this issue by shouting, "I AM A FUCKING WRITER! NOT JUST A WRITER! WITH A CAPITAL 'W' BUT A WRITER! WITH ALL CAPS (AND AN EXCLAMATION MARK)! IT'S JUST HARD TO TELL WHEN I'M SHOUTING THAT THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!" He's all, "Check out this word I know: illeism. Pretty fucking fancy, right? I bet you're pretty amazed that I knew that word! But you know what? Guess who else knows that word? Steve Trevor! But wait! There's more! Even Cadulo knows the word! Fuck yeah! I bet the only people who didn't know that word were the stupid assholes reading my WRITING!" Then he probably swung his big dick around but in a totally non-sexist way. Don't get me wrong! I don't mind if WRITERS! use rare and mystifying words. But I might need to actually believe that the characters using those words would know those words for some reason. I might believe Steve Trevor decided to figure out the word because he's gone up against so many people who speak in the third person. I might actually let that pass. But for Steve to ask somebody if they know there's a word for speaking in the third person and the person knows what it is? Now my credulity is straining, and not in a sexy way.

I might be discovering that I'm not a fan of Greg Rucka! Is that blasphemy?

Rucka also had Etta Candy's friend or partner or booty call, Sasha, use the word "apotheosis." That's a standard WRITER! word to use and it did irk me when I saw it but I might have hardly noticed if it weren't for that whole illeism exchange. In Call of Duty, people call WRITERS! like this "try hards." Usually I'm all, "Why shouldn't people try hard?! That's the best way to do things!" But sometimes I'm like, "Oh, okay. I get it. This is a person try harding a little too hard!"

You know what I want to read now? An Ernest Hemingway book where somebody went through and WRITERED! it up! That might actually be funny! I prefer my writers to be somewhere in the middle of Hemingway and a WRITER!

The whole "illeism" thing is sort of important to a later revelation. As Cadulo talks with Steve, he actually uses the first person pronoun to refer to himself. Which means something maybe? Or maybe Cadulo doesn't usually refer to himself in the third person. I could see saying something like, "You're Americans. Sent to stop Tess." Not because I refer to myself in the third person often but because that's just what they were sent to do. I suppose I could say "sent to stop me" but "sent to stop Tess" seems just as appropriate. Plus maybe Tess isn't actually me! Like maybe the guy speaking with Trevor isn't Cadulo! Or doesn't plan to become Urzkartaga even if he is! It might even seem like Steve Trevor will be the body in which Urzkartaga will wind up.

"I WROTE THIS! ME, GREG RUCKA! JUST IN CASE NOBODY ELSE WAS GOING TO POINT OUT HOW I WRITE LIKE A POET!"

Wonder Woman explains to Cheetah how her continuity is super fucked up and she's hoping to find a way to fix it. Cheetah doesn't say, "ForRRrrRRrrget about it, SisterrRRrrRRrr. DC will shake it up again in a few yearrRRrrRRrrs."

Back in America, Sasha has been compromised by Doctor Psycho (probably). Apparently their initial plan has been fucked by the introduction of Trevor and Wonder Woman. Good thing Plan B calls for Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman! So, um, nothing has changed. The bad guy's plan continues on track, just like they always do. But at least this time the Doctor is acknowledging that they need to switch plans as opposed to saying something like, "Wonder Woman approaches Cadulo's lair! Just as I planned somehow!"

Back in Cadulo's lair, Trevor discovers that men are power hungry entitled dicks and women are their victims. Has Greg Rucka written this story before? It sounds familiar! Trevor also learns that he's an important catalyst in Cadulo's apotheosis! Did I spell that write?! Hopefully Wonder Woman and Cheetah will arrive in time before Steve Trevor goes from woke male to toxic bro.

Whoops! Not much time now!