Teen Titans #23

Beast Boy is definitely wishing Queen Bee was wearing a skirt.

The Things!
• Batman calls up Tim Drake to let him know that the Teen Titans are no longer fugitives. Amanda Waller decided she didn't want any of the arrogant bastards in her prison and she pulled a few of her millions of strings to make sure the Teen Titans never have to take responsibility for all of the stupid, illegal bullshit the other terrible writers of this comic book had them do. Everybody associated with the Teen Titans, and everybody who loves the Teen Titans, should be queuing up to kiss Tony Bedard's ass because he's finally making this team into an interesting, cohesive unit that might actually make themselves useful to the world.

• Exhibit A: This is cute and adorable and Teen Titany.

• The Titans are hanging out in New Orleans because, as teenagers, they can probably find dozens of different places to drink. I mean, you can find dozens of places to drink in any city if you're underage. It's just easier in New Orleans because everybody is loopy from the constant jazz music.

• The city comes under a psychic assault by The H.I.V.E. Red Robin shows he's a genius by getting the leader of the H.I.V.E.'s name wrong. She's the H.I.V.E. Mistress! Or possibly Queen Bee! But not H.I.V.E. Queen, dum-dum! Unless she's currently Hector Hammond?

• I wonder how many people I've called "dum-dum" in my life when I was in the wrong? Maybe all of those other dum-dums should be more confident in their opinions!

• Everybody in New Orleans is mind-controlled which is a perfect time for anybody who resisted the mind-control to do all of the illegal shit they've always been wanting to do. Then if they get caught, they can just plead mind-control like everybody else!

• All of the New Orleanseans begin buzzing which is probably a bad sign although it might just be something they do down there in the Big Easy.

• Why is it called the Big Easy? Because it's easy for minors to find places to drink?

• Somebody's vagina is exploding!

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tells the Teen Titans her plan because overconfidence looks good on a super villain. So sexy.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen (who really is Queen Bee but they're not calling her that even though Red Robin points out this is the same person who almost defeated Superman when she attempted this plan in Metropolis awhile back) has decided to take over the world again but this time she chose to start in New Orleans because New Orleans doesn't have a Superman defending it. Too bad the Teen Titans were on vacation!

• Red Robin makes up some science and technology so his plan to find the H.I.V.E. Queen seems feasible. It's not though because psionics don't work the way he thinks they work! Anybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM knows that it works via shifts in tonal vibrations and not bio-chemical heat signatures. Duh!

• Red Robin sacrifices his teammates to find the H.I.V.E. Queen so now it's just Red Robin versus the world. Or at least New Orleans which, if you're from New Orleans, you already agreed with the "world" part.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tries to read Red Robin's mind when he and Raven fall victim to her power at the foot of her command center. That's when she screams in terror and passes out. I bet that was an old Batman trick! He probably trained his mind to project Two Girls, One Cup whenever he's mind-controlled.

• So exactly what I said. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Come on, Tony Bedard! At least come up with a crazy example of Red Robin's "four-dimensional logic puzzle" instead of just saying "It was a way more complex form of 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?'" Especially since everybody knows the sound of one hand clapping is a kind of inhuman screech.

• Red Robin apologizes that he used the Teen Titans like pawns and the stupidest one of the group, Gar, is all, "Chess analogy! I know a chess analogy!" Please. I might believe Garfield would have come up with a retort if it were a checkers analogy but what does that moron know about chess? I'm super smart and I can't even name all of the pieces!

The Review
And thus ends the Golden Age of the Teen Titans! Future generations will look back on The New 52 Teen Titans as the most brilliant example of how not to write a comic book. It seems a bit unfair for me to state that at the end of Tony Bedard's run which was probably the only readable bit of the Teen Titans in the last five years. It's insane to even think that he wrote anything coherent with the flaming wreck he was given to deal with. It was like an entire city was on fire and he was tasked with saving the mayor's gerbil in the center of the conflagration and he managed it. Also the mayor's gerbil started the fire so it's odd that anybody wanted to save the little bastard. I just hope Bedard's run doesn't wind up being just a glimmer of what the series could have been if Benjamin Percy tanks his turn at the wheel.

Oh, my mistake! There's one more issue!

Teen Titans #21

Mallah really should invest in a BabyBjörn for Brain.

The Commentary!
If this issue doesn't include a scene where Mallah lubes up his asshole and slowly sits on The Brain, I'm not going to be surprised at all. Although now that I've thought up that scene, why can't it appear in this comic book? Apes do weird things with their bodies (and I'm including humans in the term "apes")! If the scene were presented without comment, couldn't it be interpreted as a colonoscopy? Sentient apes need regular checkups too! And I'm sure The Brain has all the write cameras and software to determine if everything is going good up Mallah's asshole. In that context, I probably wouldn't get an erection at all!

I suppose I'm asking too much out of a Teen rated comic book. No teenager is going to take a colonoscopy seriously, no matter how life saving the examination can be! They would just giggle and titter about the monkey sticking the computer up its butt. That's just one more nice thing I can't have that I can blame on teenagers! Jerks! I can't wait until you're not teenagers anymore and you feel the same bitter resentment I do at forty! I mean, I actually can wait because then I'll be like dead or something. So, you know, no hurry! Keep being narcissistic jerks who think they know everything for as long as you want! Especially since teenagers will always exist. It's a fucking wave, man! Right now you're at the peak but you'll soon get carried down the other side while some other noseminers will rise up and take your place! It's a goddamned curse!

Speaking of teenagers, this book is about teenagers! What a segue! Let's see if they're able to save Metatroll93 and enlist his help in cleaning up their image as juvenile delinquents who are constantly destroying property in New York City!

Wonder Girl has been mind-controlled by one of The Brain's gadgets because The Brain is useless in every single way. I wonder if The Brain built in any ports into his case, if you know what I mean! He probably calls it his glory port.

Red Robin has either begun wearing black lipstick or his lips are covered in blood because he's finally become the vampire that will live one thousand years and take on the name Harvest before traveling back in time to start The Culling!

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part One: The introduction of Mallah which read "Monsieur Mallah. Brain's longtime companion. Kinda loving it"; The Brain chastising Mallah by saying, "Weakness is never attractive, Mallah"; and The Brain calling Mallah "My pet" while Mallah pouts, "I hate when you call me that."

The Titans manage to free Metatroll93 and Wonder Girl from The Brain's devices in practically no time at all. Although I just counted the pages and it took seven pages, so that's over a third of the comic book. It felt longer! Maybe because I keep pausing to pretend the beast on machine sodomy scene is taking place.

The Brain's case includes jet propulsion which allows him to not only fuck Mallah in the ass but super duper fuck him in the ass. Currently he uses it to fly over the zoo where the Titans have wound up and drop his balls on a bunch of sea lions. The Brain's balls allow him to mind-control the sea lions. Now the Titans have to punch sea lions in the face in front of dozens of sea lion lovers. It's just another day in the life of the Teen Titans which will end with everybody hating them. I began the day hating them so I'm way ahead of the curve.

Metatroll93's memes are terrible.

How can Power Girl be upset by this collection of memes?! Not only are they not insulting the villains in them, they're just not funny or entertaining! She's still just angry that he called the Titans out for being assholes who disregard whatever laws they want in pursuit of their own desires and agendas. He's less a waste of time than the Teen Titans. And what's with Power Girl expecting him to agree with her assessment of him just because she saved his life? Fucking hell, let me die before somebody as holier-than-thou as Power Girl saves my life!

By the way, everything is going just as I said it would. I just wanted to make sure everybody remembers who the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader is here.

The Brain continues to fly around in circles above the zoo and I can't stop wondering how far up Mallah's ass he can get. Also how much fuel can he fit in that tiny canister? This comic book is so unrealistic!

Eventually his thrusters conk out because Wonder Girl smashes them. He plummets to the Earth but is caught by Mallah. Luckily The Brain isn't currently covered in lube.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part Two.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers (as if anybody needs any more after the last scan), Part Three: When Raven is about to send Mallah and The Brain to Azarath to cool down, The Brain says to Mallah, "Just hold me."

Metatroll93 offers to come up with some pro-Titans memes which was totally expected by everybody, probably, but certainly predicted by me in writing the previous month. And after he comes up with some really lame memes that nobody is going to use (which means they aren't really memes, are they?), everybody realizes Red Robin is missing. They don't know it yet but he's been captured by Amanda Waller and brought to Belle Reve. I hope he joins the Suicide Squad! After all, he is an immortal vampire named Harvest! I mean, he will be soon!

The Review!
The Teen Titans have never been better! Tony Bedard has done what no writer in the last five years has been able to do! He's made the Teen Titans into a cohesive group that's actually battling bad guys doing harm! Although, technically, The Brain used the Metatroll93 opportunity to troll the Teen Titans, so it was still kind of their fault that a bunch of people were put into danger. But it was better than anything done previous to this! And best of all, the Titans aren't constantly fighting and bickering among themselves and splitting up into separate groups and hating each other with stupid teen drama! I should probably enjoy this phase of the Teen Titans while it lasts though because Benjamin Percy will be on board soon enough to turn the Teen Titans into the Tumblr Titans. Hoo boy, I am not looking forward to reading that! Although I am looking forward to writing commentary on it!