Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #6

I sometimes make miniatures like this out of straw wrappers.

The Review!
Dog Welder dies saving the world and is added to the remembrance board at Noonan's.

Along with Steve Dillon.

The Ranking!
No change. Even though Steve Dillon died during this comic's run, it makes a fitting tribute to Garth Ennis's friend. It's also super gross because Constantine fucks a pile of guts and then throws up in his helmet when Bueno fucks him in the ass. Unless the splatter on the helmet wasn't on the inside but on the outside. Which is entirely possible and disgusting in quite a different way.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #5

Now I want to reread The Right Stuff. Although I really wanted to reread it after seeing Hidden Figures. That movie didn't have enough Gus Grissom in it.

I would review Hidden Figures but I know I'm not sensitive enough to handle something like that. Although here I go as I say, "My review would be something like 'Holy shit! I can't believe that one smarty-pants that sort of looked like Queen Latifah's daughter married that evil son-of-a-bitch Cottonmouth! And that woman who wanted to be an engineer was super adorable! And, um, so smart! Wooee! What a looker! I mean genius! That one part when Bull Durham knocks down the colored restroom sign was really good because it showed the most important part of the movie which was that sometimes white men stood up for black women's rights, even if it was only because it meant he could get more work out of them. Two parts of the movie really ruined it though. How come Sheldon wasn't good at math and no way that Scream Queens frat bro could be an astronaut. So unbelievable.'"

The Review!
I love that Constantine can call people "berks" in this comic book. What percentage of the audience does an editor have to assume can recognize a coded way of saying "cunt" before the editor cuts out the word? That's a serious question!

After Constantine calls a bunch of people berks, Section Eight steals a space shuttle and flies off to save the world. I guess Dogwelder needs to weld the Dogstar to somebody's face or something. Bonus story: Six Pack has an emotional breakdown.

The Ranking!
No change. Steve Dillon did the cover. It's like seeing a ghost!

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #4

I wish the Portland Art Museum would get the Dog Welders Throughout History exhibit.

Yesterday, I received a call from a foreigner who wanted to tell me about my Windows 10 security issues. He began the conversation by asking, "Is this Tess?" And I was all, "Nope!" Nonplussed, he continued, "I'm calling about your Windows 10 security issues and I would like to--". At that point I interrupted him and said that I don't have Windows 10. This was as much a lie as my not being Tess. Again, he forged ahead with his script. I interrupted him one more time and asked, "How much is this costing you?" He said, "Oh, it won't cost you anything!" And I said, "No, no. How much is this stupid scam phone call costing you?" He paused for a second and said, "A lot. Send me the money!" As I was laughing, he hung up. Can I consider that guy my new friend because that was the best phone call I've had all year.

The Review!
I cut the commentary section short because all you need to know about this Garth Ennis book is contained in the following panel:

I suppose I also could have scanned a picture of Dog Welder welding dogs to somebody's face or Bueno Excellente trying to fuck something disgusting but they'd basically transmit the same information, just differing in degree.

Although I suppose, maybe, I should sum up the entire book--in fact, Garth Ennis's entire take on superhero comics--with this panel:

Usually this comic book depresses me because it's so physically revolting that I can think of nothing but my body's inevitable decay. But now I also feel I wasted my entire life while trying to ignore that fact!

Actually, I'm comfortable enough knowing that my life has been nothing but dogwelding, day in and day out. In college, I decided that I was the reincarnation of every great writer that had ever lived because I never learned anything new from anything I read. Everything just reiterated things I'd already contemplated, sometimes simply giving me names to past philosophical musings, like Taoism and Existentialism. I decided that my responsibility in life was to give my previous lives a break. This was the life where they could relax and have fun and just enjoy themselves. That's why I masturbate so much!

This issue ends with The Second Sign screaming out of space toward Section Eight. I hope it's Lobo!

Actually, it ends with a double page spread of Jesse Custer by Steve Dillon. He's dead so I won't critique his art!

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #3

I hope the last thing Steve Dillon ever drew wasn't Six Pack's befouled pants or Dog Welder's hand up a dog's ass.

Holy shit! Thanks to Steve Dillon's cover which reminded my of artists whose art I don't really like which reminded my of Charlie Adlard, I just remembered I haven't watched this week's The Walking Dead! I'm such a slacker! I also haven't watched this week's Supergirl! Or the last two week's Scream Queens! I'm so far behind in my television watching. I haven't even mentioned all of the shows that have been on HBO or Showtime that I don't have easy access to which are in the queue of things to watch, if I can get to them before I die.

Anyway, Six Pack and Dog Welder are three issues in and they haven't traveled hard at all yet. But I shouldn't get angry because, according to the cover, they're finally going to get out of Gotham and head to England. I know most of you are probably thinking I'm an idiot because they're obviously in Egypt. As if Egypt still has any of their mummies! I admit the pyramids are are still in Egypt but I'm sure that's only because the British couldn't figure out an easy way to smuggle them back home.

This issue begins with Constantine saying "fuck" but in all asterisks which confuses me because this book is the same rating as Vigilante: Southland and they were able to print the actual swear in that comic book! Maybe that's because Vigilante didn't also have a guy with his hand up a dog's asshole. Garth Ennis probably had to make some concessions with the language to get in the dog fisting.

This issue is called "All He Left Us Was Alone" so now I'm weeping inconsolably and yelling "Daddy!" for some reason.

My first thought as I scanned this scene was, "Is this the same artist? Everything in Noonan's is so clean!" And then I noticed the little drop of liquid shit on the floor between Six Pack's legs and almost threw up.

Dog Welder wanders off so now the road trip has to wait for Hacken to tell Six Pack a story about something that happened to Dog Welder the previous year. But before Hacken can get to his story so that the story can get to the road trip, the story shifts to where Dog Welder wandered off to. He's gone off to see his kids! Which is probably the story Hacken was going to get to! You know, the one where Dog Welder's family came to find him and then he welded dogs to his kids' faces? I wish my father had showed that much affection.

Remember how I've often complained about John Constantine not being John Constantine now that he can't say cunt in his own comic book? Well, that's been rectified here! Um...sort of.

Berk is Cockney rhyming slang for cunt!

I know berk doesn't rhyme with cunt but you have to get past that! Cockney rhyming slang is more complicated than just thinking up a rhyme and using the rhyming word. That's too fucking obvious! If you called somebody a "hunt," they'd totally know what you were getting at! But if the rhyme for cunt were, say, "Berkshire Hunt" then you drop the last word, chop a syllable off the first word, and whammo! Berk! Now you can call people the worst word in the world and get away with it!

Section 8 arrives to calm the situation between Dog Welder and his ex-wife. He does this by guzzling vodka and throwing up between his fingers. That should work, right? When a maniac dressed in a welder's outfit shows up talking to you through a dead dog shoved onto his hand, it takes a back seat to a flying surfboard showing up carrying a pile of guts, a barely verbal drooling sodomite, a demon screaming his name, a drunk smelling of shit and piss, and a British guy in an astronaut's helmet, right? That's kind of like de-escalating a situation.

The cops also arrive but Constantine takes them out with his sci-fi Hellb-laser. Is that why he became a parody of the Silver Surfer in this? Just for the Hellblazer laser joke?

Dog Welder realizes that he can't go back to his family so that's his super hero cross to bear. I think it's the part of the comic book where Garth Ennis gets a big maudlin so that readers can think, "Oh yeah! Ennis knows how to write stuff that isn't just piss and puke and hating on super heroes and massively injuring the bad guy in innumerably unspeakable ways!" And then Constantine makes Dog Welder's family forget him so that nobody ever has to deal with that part of the story again! But he doesn't use the Hellblazer on Dog Welder because that would take away his need to be a hero. Remember what happened to Bruce Wayne when he forgot all about his childhood trauma?! He became boring and began helping children in the community instead of dressing them up like whackjobs and endangering their lives. So boring!

And then Section Eight finally hits the road! Or the skies! Or the surf! I'm not sure how to describe traveling by magical surfboard.

Once in Egypt, they must enter a pyramid because that's where all of the cool shit happens like turning guys into Metamorphos and all of the other comic book stuff that has happened in pyramids that I can't remember but I'm sure must have happened a lot. And that's when the mummies attack! Should I have used an exclamation point for that? It's not like it was a surprise or anything. Even if the mummies weren't on the cover, who was expecting anything other than mummies? I suppose curses and death traps too! But those are optional. You can have a trip to Egypt and the pyramids without those. But you can't leave out the mummies!

The Review
This issue wasn't as gross as some of the past issues so it didn't feel like I was reading a Section Eight comic book. Which on one hand is a good thing because I hate being reminded of how squishy and disgusting the human body is. But on the other hand, I really felt like the issue was missing something. Of course, on the other hand, that something was splatterings of semen, shit, piss, and vomit on every surface in the background and on everybody's clothing. I've now gone into debt on the amount of hands I've used to explain myself.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #2

Did Steve Dillon think this was Six Pack Loves Rabbit Welder?

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with John Constantine moaning about DC Comics merging the Vertigo titles which spawned from the DC Universe back into the regular DC Universe. He probably doesn't say anything about the Wildstorm Universe because he doesn't know about it and also because DC is bringing it back as its own thing. I guess they're kind of doing that for the Vertigo titles too but they're going to be Young Animals titles now. Because that name will probably make cool kids who read comics (which are actually just the least dorky of the nerds who read comics) think, "Young! That's me! And Animals? I'm wild like that! I'd only be more interested in these comic books if they were under the Random Hookup label!"

• The title of this issue is "Heckblazer" because DC wouldn't allow Ennis to use "Constantine Can't Say Cunt in His Own Comic Book Anymore."

Although he sort of says cunt here!

• The Spectre has returned to Gotham City to send Baytor back to Hell. Uh oh! Who's going to run Noonan's if Baytor is banished?

• Noonan, Nat, and Tommy get a cameo this issue in a memory! How long before Garth Ennis gets to write another Hitman series? I'm sure he can think up a reason to bring Tommy and Nat back, and some great stories to tell. Heck, he doesn't even have to bring them back. He can just tell new stories from the past.

• The Spectre doesn't remember what Baytor looks like due to DC's constant rebooting of the universe. So he keeps asking, "Who is Baytor? Who is Baytor? Which one of you is Baytor? Come on! Just say which one of you is Baytor?" And Baytor can't resist screaming the only thing he ever screams (well, mostly ever). Luckily Six Pack shuts him up before identifying himself. Section Eight has already lost enough members.

• Constantine tells Dog Welder that he can speak but he has to utilize the dog in a particular way.

This is all canon, right? Completely in continuity, right?

• Baytor finally manages to scream who he is. But he doesn't get sent to hell because everybody at Noonan's pulls a Spartacus on The Spectre. I don't see why The Spectre doesn't just send them all to Hell! What's it to him?

• The Spectre gets on the phone with God to find out what he should do. And whattya know? God thinks like me! He tells The Spectre to just send them all to Hell! That would probably make an entertaining and completely disgusting comic book all on its own.

• Dog Welder arrives and says "We are all Baytor" through the dog on the end of his fist. Apparently that's the first sign of some oncoming apocalypse. I think the second sign is The Spectre shitting his pants.

• Constantine knows of a real apocalypse that's headed Earth's way (probably the one he's bringing about by teaching Dog Welder how to be a proper incarnation of Dog Welder) that only Dog Welder can stop (because he's the only one who can start it?). But first he needs to train Dog Welder! Section Eight decides to tag along since they're supposed to be going on some kind of road trip in this thing and it's already been two issues without leaving Noonan's.

The Ranking!
+1! Ennis has been given this book to criticize DC Comics because what's new? Most of the time biting the hand that feeds you is a poor tactic. But occasionally, biting the hand that feeds you makes you a star! Or is this really just a case of biting the hand that feeds you when you don't need the food but the hand really needs to be associated with you so that the hand can make a shitload of money?

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #1

The Things!
• Time for Six Pack and Dog Welder to see America and realize that they can't solve the world's real problems like racism and homophobia and sexism and whatever affects straight white guys that's as bad as those other things. Maybe poverty for the ones who are the most racist, homophobic, and sexist!

• Don't you wish you never had to clarify anything you said because most people don't understand subtlety and can't seem to think for themselves? From now on, instead of clarifying something that somebody misunderstood (because they generally misunderstand it on purpose in pursuit of their own agenda), I'm just going to start shrugging a lot.

• Garth Ennis decides to get the maudlin bit out of the way before he starts in on the Bueno Excellente sodomy jokes. Hiding in the dark, Dog Welder watches his family from outside the picture window as they settle in with a new father and husband. See, he was possessed by the Dog Welder costume but apparently enough of his old self exists to feel sad over the loss of his old life. Or maybe he was just hoping the presents the kids were opening would contain puppies.

• But enough of that sentimental shit! Let's get back to Noonan's!

• No, Six Pack! You're reading it upside down and probably backwards. The message is that superheroes can't fix racism!

• I think maybe I'm Six Pack! Except without the drinking. Because when he says "Provin' racism is bad, an' AIDS is okay, an' all that kinda important stuff...", I get a sense of deja vu. Like maybe I've said that before! Racism is bad! And AIDS is okay! I mean, it's not the stigma it was when that actor clown was president! Now it's like you meet somebody with AIDS and you're all, "Hey! You've got AIDS too! Great!"

• I sort of missed the point when AIDS seemed to become fairly manageable. Did somebody market a medicine based on Magic Johnson's semen? Maybe I missed it because the media stopped treating AIDS like the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse while AIDS medicines just quietly got better and better at managing the disease so that it wasn't the disease that did so much damage to the world. I don't even have it and it's affected my life in really terrible ways. Like every time U2's "One" comes on the radio, I'm like, "Arg! I wish I was dead! But not from AIDS!"

• Six Pack and Hacken are having a discussion at the bar but it's different than their past discussions because Hacken has decided to become an intellectual. Mostly that means he reads books while sitting at a bar deflecting Six Pack's statements back at him as questions and pursing his lips a bit as he sips his cider. So basically he's become one of those people who sip beers at the bar while reading to make up for their lack of a personality. I suppose it's something.

• Hacken lists Section 8's recent missions: Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo; Sandman: the Buenomancer; Secret Bars; and Retardance. So Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo is a riff on Hitman's Zombie Night at the Zoo. Sandman: the Buenomancer is a more disturbing image of Sandman than the Cockroach's version in Cerebus. Secret Bars equals Secret Wars. But Retardance? I'm missing the reference on that one even if the image is not making me laugh at all because that would probably be wrong for some reason.

• Bueno is cheating on Guts with every dumpster in The Cauldron. Guts is currently being consoled in Noonan's by her superhero buddies, Power Girl, Catwoman, and Starfire.

• This issue might have the best characterization of Starfire ever.

• It only takes a few pages for Garth Ennis to freak me the fuck out over how disgusting and terrible the human body is. How does sentience reside in this disgusting meat factory of slop?! It's fucking lipstick on a pig, the human experience! My mind can contemplate the most sublime ideas while my body rumbles, growls, squelches, and slowly fails me. Thanks for bringing me down, Ennis! And you're not off the hook, Russ Braun! Enough with the detailed vomit and snot and drool and whatever all the other puddles and mounds of possibly rectal filth are!

• While Six Pack tries to figure out a way to get the team to at least be better than the Teen Titans, some weird Great Old One shit is going down outside in the sky. And then Constantine arrives to explain to Dog Welder what he really is.

• John also explains that Dog Welder and the mask have some connection with Egypt, so I guess he's sort of like Doctor Fate but with some kind of puppy power. I think if I don't capitalize "puppy power," I'm not infringing any trademarks.

• The big green glowing swirly Great Old One mess in the sky just turns out to be The Spectre. He says he's come for "the fugitive from divine justice" as he points at Section 8. After the whole Constantine bit, it seems obvious he means Dog Welder.

The Review!
Garth Ennis has made a career out of hating super hero comic books and finding ways to write them anyway. Which is really why he generally writes such good superhero comic books. Because he isn't writing comic books about super powers attached to people. He's just interested in writing the stories about people who might just happen to have super powers, or live in a world where people have super powers. Plus since he's writing in that world, he enjoys poking fun at that world just as the fans do constantly, even while still enjoying it. I mean, Garth Ennis wrote Hitman, a guy whose x-ray vision and mind-reading ability were supposed to help make him the greatest hitman ever. And yet how often does he use those powers in the entire run of Hitman? Occasionally he'll use the x-ray vision but I think he practically gives up on the mind-reading right from the start. Anyway, that's how I remember it! I haven't read Hitman in twenty years, probably. Speaking of which, I really should fucking get to reading The Boys, another series that's pretty much anti-superhero. I wonder if Excalibur's Labor Day sale counts for trades too? I guess I should go check later today!