Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #1

The Things!
• Time for Six Pack and Dog Welder to see America and realize that they can't solve the world's real problems like racism and homophobia and sexism and whatever affects straight white guys that's as bad as those other things. Maybe poverty for the ones who are the most racist, homophobic, and sexist!

• Don't you wish you never had to clarify anything you said because most people don't understand subtlety and can't seem to think for themselves? From now on, instead of clarifying something that somebody misunderstood (because they generally misunderstand it on purpose in pursuit of their own agenda), I'm just going to start shrugging a lot.

• Garth Ennis decides to get the maudlin bit out of the way before he starts in on the Bueno Excellente sodomy jokes. Hiding in the dark, Dog Welder watches his family from outside the picture window as they settle in with a new father and husband. See, he was possessed by the Dog Welder costume but apparently enough of his old self exists to feel sad over the loss of his old life. Or maybe he was just hoping the presents the kids were opening would contain puppies.

• But enough of that sentimental shit! Let's get back to Noonan's!

• No, Six Pack! You're reading it upside down and probably backwards. The message is that superheroes can't fix racism!

• I think maybe I'm Six Pack! Except without the drinking. Because when he says "Provin' racism is bad, an' AIDS is okay, an' all that kinda important stuff...", I get a sense of deja vu. Like maybe I've said that before! Racism is bad! And AIDS is okay! I mean, it's not the stigma it was when that actor clown was president! Now it's like you meet somebody with AIDS and you're all, "Hey! You've got AIDS too! Great!"

• I sort of missed the point when AIDS seemed to become fairly manageable. Did somebody market a medicine based on Magic Johnson's semen? Maybe I missed it because the media stopped treating AIDS like the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse while AIDS medicines just quietly got better and better at managing the disease so that it wasn't the disease that did so much damage to the world. I don't even have it and it's affected my life in really terrible ways. Like every time U2's "One" comes on the radio, I'm like, "Arg! I wish I was dead! But not from AIDS!"

• Six Pack and Hacken are having a discussion at the bar but it's different than their past discussions because Hacken has decided to become an intellectual. Mostly that means he reads books while sitting at a bar deflecting Six Pack's statements back at him as questions and pursing his lips a bit as he sips his cider. So basically he's become one of those people who sip beers at the bar while reading to make up for their lack of a personality. I suppose it's something.

• Hacken lists Section 8's recent missions: Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo; Sandman: the Buenomancer; Secret Bars; and Retardance. So Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo is a riff on Hitman's Zombie Night at the Zoo. Sandman: the Buenomancer is a more disturbing image of Sandman than the Cockroach's version in Cerebus. Secret Bars equals Secret Wars. But Retardance? I'm missing the reference on that one even if the image is not making me laugh at all because that would probably be wrong for some reason.

• Bueno is cheating on Guts with every dumpster in The Cauldron. Guts is currently being consoled in Noonan's by her superhero buddies, Power Girl, Catwoman, and Starfire.

• This issue might have the best characterization of Starfire ever.

• It only takes a few pages for Garth Ennis to freak me the fuck out over how disgusting and terrible the human body is. How does sentience reside in this disgusting meat factory of slop?! It's fucking lipstick on a pig, the human experience! My mind can contemplate the most sublime ideas while my body rumbles, growls, squelches, and slowly fails me. Thanks for bringing me down, Ennis! And you're not off the hook, Russ Braun! Enough with the detailed vomit and snot and drool and whatever all the other puddles and mounds of possibly rectal filth are!

• While Six Pack tries to figure out a way to get the team to at least be better than the Teen Titans, some weird Great Old One shit is going down outside in the sky. And then Constantine arrives to explain to Dog Welder what he really is.

• John also explains that Dog Welder and the mask have some connection with Egypt, so I guess he's sort of like Doctor Fate but with some kind of puppy power. I think if I don't capitalize "puppy power," I'm not infringing any trademarks.

• The big green glowing swirly Great Old One mess in the sky just turns out to be The Spectre. He says he's come for "the fugitive from divine justice" as he points at Section 8. After the whole Constantine bit, it seems obvious he means Dog Welder.

The Review!
Garth Ennis has made a career out of hating super hero comic books and finding ways to write them anyway. Which is really why he generally writes such good superhero comic books. Because he isn't writing comic books about super powers attached to people. He's just interested in writing the stories about people who might just happen to have super powers, or live in a world where people have super powers. Plus since he's writing in that world, he enjoys poking fun at that world just as the fans do constantly, even while still enjoying it. I mean, Garth Ennis wrote Hitman, a guy whose x-ray vision and mind-reading ability were supposed to help make him the greatest hitman ever. And yet how often does he use those powers in the entire run of Hitman? Occasionally he'll use the x-ray vision but I think he practically gives up on the mind-reading right from the start. Anyway, that's how I remember it! I haven't read Hitman in twenty years, probably. Speaking of which, I really should fucking get to reading The Boys, another series that's pretty much anti-superhero. I wonder if Excalibur's Labor Day sale counts for trades too? I guess I should go check later today!

Teen Titans #23

Beast Boy is definitely wishing Queen Bee was wearing a skirt.

The Things!
• Batman calls up Tim Drake to let him know that the Teen Titans are no longer fugitives. Amanda Waller decided she didn't want any of the arrogant bastards in her prison and she pulled a few of her millions of strings to make sure the Teen Titans never have to take responsibility for all of the stupid, illegal bullshit the other terrible writers of this comic book had them do. Everybody associated with the Teen Titans, and everybody who loves the Teen Titans, should be queuing up to kiss Tony Bedard's ass because he's finally making this team into an interesting, cohesive unit that might actually make themselves useful to the world.

• Exhibit A: This is cute and adorable and Teen Titany.

• The Titans are hanging out in New Orleans because, as teenagers, they can probably find dozens of different places to drink. I mean, you can find dozens of places to drink in any city if you're underage. It's just easier in New Orleans because everybody is loopy from the constant jazz music.

• The city comes under a psychic assault by The H.I.V.E. Red Robin shows he's a genius by getting the leader of the H.I.V.E.'s name wrong. She's the H.I.V.E. Mistress! Or possibly Queen Bee! But not H.I.V.E. Queen, dum-dum! Unless she's currently Hector Hammond?

• I wonder how many people I've called "dum-dum" in my life when I was in the wrong? Maybe all of those other dum-dums should be more confident in their opinions!

• Everybody in New Orleans is mind-controlled which is a perfect time for anybody who resisted the mind-control to do all of the illegal shit they've always been wanting to do. Then if they get caught, they can just plead mind-control like everybody else!

• All of the New Orleanseans begin buzzing which is probably a bad sign although it might just be something they do down there in the Big Easy.

• Why is it called the Big Easy? Because it's easy for minors to find places to drink?

• Somebody's vagina is exploding!

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tells the Teen Titans her plan because overconfidence looks good on a super villain. So sexy.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen (who really is Queen Bee but they're not calling her that even though Red Robin points out this is the same person who almost defeated Superman when she attempted this plan in Metropolis awhile back) has decided to take over the world again but this time she chose to start in New Orleans because New Orleans doesn't have a Superman defending it. Too bad the Teen Titans were on vacation!

• Red Robin makes up some science and technology so his plan to find the H.I.V.E. Queen seems feasible. It's not though because psionics don't work the way he thinks they work! Anybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM knows that it works via shifts in tonal vibrations and not bio-chemical heat signatures. Duh!

• Red Robin sacrifices his teammates to find the H.I.V.E. Queen so now it's just Red Robin versus the world. Or at least New Orleans which, if you're from New Orleans, you already agreed with the "world" part.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tries to read Red Robin's mind when he and Raven fall victim to her power at the foot of her command center. That's when she screams in terror and passes out. I bet that was an old Batman trick! He probably trained his mind to project Two Girls, One Cup whenever he's mind-controlled.

• So exactly what I said. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Come on, Tony Bedard! At least come up with a crazy example of Red Robin's "four-dimensional logic puzzle" instead of just saying "It was a way more complex form of 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?'" Especially since everybody knows the sound of one hand clapping is a kind of inhuman screech.

• Red Robin apologizes that he used the Teen Titans like pawns and the stupidest one of the group, Gar, is all, "Chess analogy! I know a chess analogy!" Please. I might believe Garfield would have come up with a retort if it were a checkers analogy but what does that moron know about chess? I'm super smart and I can't even name all of the pieces!

The Review
And thus ends the Golden Age of the Teen Titans! Future generations will look back on The New 52 Teen Titans as the most brilliant example of how not to write a comic book. It seems a bit unfair for me to state that at the end of Tony Bedard's run which was probably the only readable bit of the Teen Titans in the last five years. It's insane to even think that he wrote anything coherent with the flaming wreck he was given to deal with. It was like an entire city was on fire and he was tasked with saving the mayor's gerbil in the center of the conflagration and he managed it. Also the mayor's gerbil started the fire so it's odd that anybody wanted to save the little bastard. I just hope Bedard's run doesn't wind up being just a glimmer of what the series could have been if Benjamin Percy tanks his turn at the wheel.

Oh, my mistake! There's one more issue!

The Flash #5

Barry, that is impossible.

The Things!
• Barry Allen decided to tell Doctor Meena Dhawan that he's The Flash because she made googly eyes at him. I guess they're a couple now even though they only kissed at the end of the last issue. That was probably so Joshua Williamson can have one of them make a joke about how fast their relationship is moving.

• Meena is calling herself Fast Track. Ugh. I "ugh" because it's typical of The Flash comic book to bury the reader in puns and her name is because she can "track" other speedsters. But "Fast Track" is also a thing people say that has nothing to do with her powers! Which is what makes it a pun. I think.

• Meena winds up training Wally because he doesn't want anybody knowing he has powers. But she was all, "I know you have powers! Use your powers! I'm going to keep bugging you until you use your powers!" Wally eventually gives in and uses his powers. Luckily he likes it but there may come a time when he thinks back to this moment and realizes the older person abused her power and trust and got him to do something he wasn't yet ready to do.

• Godspeed attacks STAR Labs and steals the Speed Force from a bunch of the trainees. That's a good thing because there are way too many speedsters in this story.

• Meena is one of the speedsters and she not only loses her powers but her whole body as well. The Flash comes to help but he's too late and only finds her costume.

• August Heart was with Flash the entire time so how can he also be Godspeed? I'm sure there's an explanation! It probably has to do with time travel!

The Review!
This might just be the Rebirth comic book I care the least about. Look at how little I had to say about it! If I really cared about it, I probably would have asked some serious scientific questions like "How quickly can Fast Track and The Flash fuck without anybody being injured?" or "If Meena took a lover who suffered from premature ejaculation, could she use the Speed Force to orgasm more quickly?" or "Why isn't this comic book more entertaining?"

Wonder Woman #5

Thick bush double entendre.

Steve Trevor has been captured by some guy named Cadulo who is looking into becoming a god of some kind. Probably the usual kind of god who is a huge dick and makes everybody's lives miserable. Even the imaginary gods (i.e. all of them) do this by not being there to answer the prayers of the miserable and disaffected. The best piece of dogma religion ever came up with is saying "God helps those who help themselves." You know who also helps those who help themselves? Themselves! Did that make sense? You know what? I don't care.

Greg Rucka begins this issue by shouting, "I AM A FUCKING WRITER! NOT JUST A WRITER! WITH A CAPITAL 'W' BUT A WRITER! WITH ALL CAPS (AND AN EXCLAMATION MARK)! IT'S JUST HARD TO TELL WHEN I'M SHOUTING THAT THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!" He's all, "Check out this word I know: illeism. Pretty fucking fancy, right? I bet you're pretty amazed that I knew that word! But you know what? Guess who else knows that word? Steve Trevor! But wait! There's more! Even Cadulo knows the word! Fuck yeah! I bet the only people who didn't know that word were the stupid assholes reading my WRITING!" Then he probably swung his big dick around but in a totally non-sexist way. Don't get me wrong! I don't mind if WRITERS! use rare and mystifying words. But I might need to actually believe that the characters using those words would know those words for some reason. I might believe Steve Trevor decided to figure out the word because he's gone up against so many people who speak in the third person. I might actually let that pass. But for Steve to ask somebody if they know there's a word for speaking in the third person and the person knows what it is? Now my credulity is straining, and not in a sexy way.

I might be discovering that I'm not a fan of Greg Rucka! Is that blasphemy?

Rucka also had Etta Candy's friend or partner or booty call, Sasha, use the word "apotheosis." That's a standard WRITER! word to use and it did irk me when I saw it but I might have hardly noticed if it weren't for that whole illeism exchange. In Call of Duty, people call WRITERS! like this "try hards." Usually I'm all, "Why shouldn't people try hard?! That's the best way to do things!" But sometimes I'm like, "Oh, okay. I get it. This is a person try harding a little too hard!"

You know what I want to read now? An Ernest Hemingway book where somebody went through and WRITERED! it up! That might actually be funny! I prefer my writers to be somewhere in the middle of Hemingway and a WRITER!

The whole "illeism" thing is sort of important to a later revelation. As Cadulo talks with Steve, he actually uses the first person pronoun to refer to himself. Which means something maybe? Or maybe Cadulo doesn't usually refer to himself in the third person. I could see saying something like, "You're Americans. Sent to stop Tess." Not because I refer to myself in the third person often but because that's just what they were sent to do. I suppose I could say "sent to stop me" but "sent to stop Tess" seems just as appropriate. Plus maybe Tess isn't actually me! Like maybe the guy speaking with Trevor isn't Cadulo! Or doesn't plan to become Urzkartaga even if he is! It might even seem like Steve Trevor will be the body in which Urzkartaga will wind up.

"I WROTE THIS! ME, GREG RUCKA! JUST IN CASE NOBODY ELSE WAS GOING TO POINT OUT HOW I WRITE LIKE A POET!"

Wonder Woman explains to Cheetah how her continuity is super fucked up and she's hoping to find a way to fix it. Cheetah doesn't say, "ForRRrrRRrrget about it, SisterrRRrrRRrr. DC will shake it up again in a few yearrRRrrRRrrs."

Back in America, Sasha has been compromised by Doctor Psycho (probably). Apparently their initial plan has been fucked by the introduction of Trevor and Wonder Woman. Good thing Plan B calls for Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman! So, um, nothing has changed. The bad guy's plan continues on track, just like they always do. But at least this time the Doctor is acknowledging that they need to switch plans as opposed to saying something like, "Wonder Woman approaches Cadulo's lair! Just as I planned somehow!"

Back in Cadulo's lair, Trevor discovers that men are power hungry entitled dicks and women are their victims. Has Greg Rucka written this story before? It sounds familiar! Trevor also learns that he's an important catalyst in Cadulo's apotheosis! Did I spell that write?! Hopefully Wonder Woman and Cheetah will arrive in time before Steve Trevor goes from woke male to toxic bro.

Whoops! Not much time now!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #3

Kilowog seems disturbed by Hal's ass.

The Sinestro Corps has cracked down on the universe and established order. Look, it's a comic book. Sometimes you're just going to have to buy into whatever the story tells you so that you don't begin thinking about how vast the universe is and how it can be "ordered" by any sentient mind. What does that even mean?! I suppose it means what it usually means when a tyrannical despot takes control. Order is whatever the despot wants it to be. Look at North Korea! Apparently if you don't sit up straight, you get the firing squad! Don't think I actually believe that. How naive do you think I am? Obviously the Kim Jong who was shot said something horrible in the restroom about the Kim Jong who could order him shot. And the Kim Jong who wound up in a repatriation summer camp was probably listening to the executed Kim Jong's vile slander! But the despotic Kim Jong probably didn't want people to know he had cameras hidden in the bathroom (and by hidden, I mean in plain view but everybody is ordered to pretend they don't see them and act as if they're not there) so he came up with the whole "not sitting up straight" gag as a reason for the execution. One thing this Kim Jong-everybody issue has made me realize is that people who would apply to be henchmen for The Joker actually exist. I always figured when The Joker killed a few too many henchmen, the other henchmen would be all "This is nuts!" and get the hell out of there. Or turn on The Joker, at least. But apparently in real life, the Kim Jong Henchmen just see an open seat higher up in the hierarchy and gladly fill it. And by "gladly," I mean they have no choice. Hmm, maybe that's why they continue to remain Kim Jong's Henchmen. Besides, Kim Jong-un has probably set up some glorious scenic apartments for the families of his closest Kim Jongs. The apartments probably have every amenity like hot water and electricity and an outhouse fairly close to the building and nozzles for the death gas which can be pumped into the entire apartment as soon as a Kim Jong betrays Kim Jong-un. They sound cozy!

Anyway, Hal Jordan needs to defeat Sinestro to save the universe. Again. But first he needs to reunite with the Green Lantern Corps. That's probably going to take about three more issues after this because it's a good way for the first trade to end.

Sinestro has apparently become the kind of satanist every mother of the late 70's and early 80's feared their Dungeons and Dragons playing, Black Sabbath listening children were becoming.

This Administer Lash guy is definitely some kind of Space Satanist. And I don't mean the Anton Lavey kind of Satanist! I mean the kind I mentioned in that caption above! The Rosemary's Baby kind of Satanist that doesn't really exist except maybe in small groups of three or four delusional individuals who really never do anything but pretend they would do horrible things. Occasionally that kind of Satanist comes into contact with a truly horrible person and you get Richard Ramirez. But he wasn't a Satanist. He was just a psychotic monster who used people's fear of Satanism to fuel his murder boner.

Administer Lash asks Sinestro if he's a believer and Sinestro, being a matter of fact kind of guy, basically says, "No but it's a cool tool, bro. Let's dish."

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan, all by himself, is out dismantling the Sinestro Corps twelve by twelve, or so. At least until the Yellow Lanterns in other parts of the universe begin instilling great fear in every sector. At that point, the Yellow Lantern rings begin to get more powerful. I think it's a trick! If the Green Lantern rings rely on the willpower of the user, it doesn't really matter how powerful the ring is, right? It's all about the person wearing it. So the Yellow Lantern rings probably get more powerful based on the fear of the opponent and not just the overall fear extant in the universe (although I must be wrong because that's what is happening. But I'm still explaining my trick, you stupid parenthetical reference!). How can a Yellow Lantern evoke even more fear in their opponent? By having the ring say, "Power Level Increasing!" The the opponent is all, "Oh shit!" That's a fear-based statement! So the ring's power actually does increase simply by allowing the opponent to hear that it's increasing! What a cool trick! My explanation is better but apparently the real explanation is that thing I said in the parenthetical aside.

All of the aliens across the universe being attacked by Sinestro's Yellow Lanterns are all whining about how they trusted Sinestro to keep order and be the law. Fuck them! They deserve what they get! Which is kind of scary because it's exactly what most Americans are doing now. I forgot for a moment, due to all the sci-fi trappings, that this was an allegory! Americans vote out of fear and get what they deserve. Well, that's what has happened to the universe now. For some reason, they thought a peace keeping group based on using fear was a great idea to keep everybody safe. And now they're learning it was all a scam! Sinestro used their fears to gain power! Could this allegory of American politics be any more apt?

Hal Jordan learns that one lone Green Lantern can't beat Sinestro's entire army. He's beaten and captured and ready to be thrown into the Fear Machine. That means the Green Lantern Corps have three issues to save him!

Titans #2

Abra Cadabra needs to come up with a new trick.

The Commentary!
Before I start reading this comic book, I should take some sea sickness medication. Will that protect me from the vertigo caused by Brett Booth's wonky panel layouts? If that does help, next I have to figure out what to take to not feel sick looking at everybody's overly long legs and massively thick thighs. Maybe cyanide?

Linda Park, Super News!, is investigating a lead and following a story! She's all hopped up on journalism and ready to Pulitzer her way into the spotlight! Sure, nobody is talking about her blog, Super News!, yet! But once she gets the scoop on the super guy that nobody knows who came from nowhere whom she can't find? Well, look out world! The story of the century!

A lightning storm has hit Keystone City which is big news because whenever that happens, people gain superspeed. So everybody runs down to the area of the storm with their golf clubs and lightning rods in the hopes that this is some of that magical lightning and not the real stuff that doesn't transform a person into anything but a corpse. When Linda gets there, she finds some costumed heroes just standing around in the middle of it. There's Robin and Wonder Girl and Aqualad and Speedy and...hey! How does she recognize Wonder Girl? Maybe she's just mistaking Donna Troy's Wonder Girl with Cassie Sandsmark's Wonder Girl. But then how does she recognize Aqualad? Speedy, I believe, does have a history with Green Arrow so I won't kvetch about that.

Linda rushes into the lightning storm to interview Kid Flash. She begins by screaming his secret identity in front of the crowd. Behind the two of them is a shop called "Pizza Fish" which I can only imagine is a Brett Booth in-joke to distract from his stupid panel layout that looks like shattering glass and his stupid bodies which look like funhouse mirrors.

Wally knew his name and could speak English just after he was born? Awesome!

Obviously these aren't the real Titans! I'm just playing along and not fooled completely! I'll never be completely fooled by anything because I never believe anything. I learned that from the Internet and from Coast to Coast AM and from everybody everywhere who are just stupid assholes. Plus, like Linda Park said, this is what these people looked like a long time ago or never ago in the case of Wonder Girl and Aqualad and Kid Flash! And since Kid Flash feels like he was just born, these must be the Abra-Kadabra puppets from the cover. It's just that they're puppets made from scratch so they get to look exactly like humans. If Abra-Kadabra had turned a human into a living puppet, they'd look like the ones on the cover. Magic is weird!

The Titans arrive just in time to battle the Teen Titans! It's so exciting! I need to learn to change the color of my font so that I can identify things I write by a color code. Blue would be sincere. Red would be sarcastic. Yellow would mean I pissed myself as I typed it. Purple would mean I'd rather be playing Call of Duty. It would be revolutionary! Also it would be a lot of work. Forget it I even mentioned it.

Oh! I have an invention that I'm just putting out there for whatever entrepreneur wants to make it happen. House slippers with a pump in the sole which sprays a fine mist around the slipper each time you step. They're for keeping cats from getting underfoot!

By the way, "It's so exciting!" would have been red.

Learn how to draw thighs, you hack! Liefeld is better at it than you are!

Shit, you know what? I apologize to Rob Liefeld for bringing him into this. He doesn't deserve to have his art mocked in a general sense when I'm mocking the specifics of Brett Booth's art. I only want to mock Liefeld's art when there's something in front of me well worth mocking. Which is, you know, most of the time I have Rob Liefeld art in front of me.

Dammit! I'm sorry, Rob! That was totally uncalled for. I'll never do it again!

There's an even worse thigh on The Flash a few pages later that makes me nauseated.

I think that's more of a crisis of identity?

Wally defeats Kid Flash by tripping him after Kid Flash does the typical challenge the other speedster to see who's faster. That's a nice moment, Dan. Too bad Brett Booth drew it.

Abra-Kadabra's main goal is to humiliate The Flash, probably just before killing him. I'd recommend just killing him but you can never get through to these super villains. Always so determined to do things their way even if their way is so cliché that it constantly brings them to failure. He learns during the battle that Linda Park is on site and that Wally loves her even though they apparently haven't met yet. Abra-Kadabra's memories are probably Swiss cheesed from all of the Watchmen interference so nothing he thinks he knows really matters. It must be really confusing for a guy from the future to find that the past isn't anything like it was supposed to be. Enh, that's probably to be expected if you're a time traveler. The history books are never that accurate.

The Teen Titans versus the Titans battle continues to rage while Tempest notices Abra-Kadabra (I guess he's just Kadabra, first name Abra) directing things from a nearby rooftop. So he faces him one-on-one while Dick yells, "No! We're a team! Going solo in a team book is always a disaster! Especially when we're on page 19 of 20! Get back!" But Tempest doesn't get back at all! Instead, he gets zapped by Kadabra's wand. Wally gets there just in time to probably save Tempest's life. But Tempest is probably so seriously hurt that he'll probably have to be sidelined for ten or twelve issues. That's really his main role in the Titans comic books!

Batgirl #2

This hardly looks like Batgirl at all!

The Commentary!
At least for close to forever, I'm hanging up the Batgirl Diary entries. Here's the last bit I wrote to start this commentary before looking around for my Writer's Card to tear it up and shove it up my own ass. Luckily I was never issued one so my ass is still card-free.

Dear Diary,
Last night I had a sex dream that I was sexing this guy really good! It was my first time and I was understandably nervous about giving a good performance. Luckily, Josie Long was standing by the side of my bed giggling and giving me tips and encouragement. She was so cute that I stopped having sex and went out for coffee with her. Then I woke up and had to change my sheets in the dark before Kai woke up wondering why everything was moist and musky. I should set my alarm to wake up before Kai more often because I'm pretty sure he had an erection under the blankets! I mean, it could have just been the way the blankets were rumpled. But I'm going to choose to believe it was his penis straining to see my vagina as it leaked all over the bed.

I think I've written enough of these entries to get my point across. If you didn't know what my point was and don't want to read anything ever (no matter how hilarious it is), here it is: teenage girls think about sex. Most of the females who just read that are probably saying, "Der!", with one hand stuck down the front of their trousers. I think the other people who already totally had that information were really good-looking teenage boys.

Batgirl has found herself in Singapore with her totally platonic friend Kai. I guess "platonic friend" is defined as "the shadow on the wall of a friend who you can never really know and if you did, you'd probably be too horrified to be their friend." When I was in Singapore, I went on some quick bus tour to take us to the bar where the Singapore Sling was invented so we could get drunk on famous old timey drinks. Here was the tour guide's joke: Singapore! It is a fine city!" Then he laughed and explained how you get fined for everything. I wish he'd gotten fined for that joke.

Batgirl has decided that she wants to be different from all of the other superheroes so she has come up with an invention: the thought bubble!

Everything is not brand new! It's just clean because nobody can litter, spit, chew gum, spray paint walls, scuff their shoes, urinate in public, or cough too loudly without being fined or caned or worse!

The drone Batgirl is after was trying to spy on her and Kai in their hotel room. Oh my! Maybe they're less platonic than I realized! Why else would the drone be spying on them? To shoot video of them reading books on opposite sides of the hotel room?

Batgirl follows the drone back to its source and finds a guy jerking off in front of his computer with all the porn his drone went to the store to buy. Drones can do that? I've got to get a drone! I totally want to...oh! I see what he was doing! Just pretend all of the stuff I already typed was me trying to convince everybody that peeping is a terrible thing to do. I mean, it totally is! But it is a little exciting to see somebody naked in a window on accident! So I might be able to see how it would be exciting to have that happen not on accident too! Although, yes, yes, that's creepy and an invasion of privacy and not a cool thing to do, bro. But still exciting!

Batgirl remembers her memories to get her next lead on the "Kai attacked by Sailor Geisha" mystery. She remembers that Sailor Geisha had an awful tattoo on her left bicep in Chinese that meant "student". Why would anybody get that tattoo?! What do you do once you graduate and become a master?! Batgirl doesn't care about that. She just begins to wonder who the master is and if the master has a tattoo that says "Master". At least that one is probably pretty easy to turn into "Grandmaster".

Then Batgirl makes a face like somebody just stuck a finger up her butt.

Why did I scan that picture when the very first panel on the very next page is of Batgirl in the shower?! What a missed opportunity! But I guess I'll just have to live with my decision because I can't put two scanned pictures so close together. If you want to see Batgirl in the shower and then in a robe that's totally hanging open in nearly all of the right places, you'll have to get your own copy. Or just Google "Batgirl Rule 34". That might actually be better.

I just googled it. It's not! Maybe my Google is broken because it was a relatively mild selection of images. Is there a new SafeSearch setting? "On", "Off", and "No, Really, Turn It Off. I Want To See The Inside Of A Butthole"?

Babs has some research to do concerning Sailor Geisha even though Babs doesn't have any idea what that's about. Her friend Kai is in some kind of trouble and Fruit Bat, the Japanese Batgirl from the 40s, pointed Babs to a martial arts tournament in Singapore. Babs goes to sign up with a gym but the Cobra Kais turn her down because they're sexist dicks. That leaves Babs to find a gym run by a woman named May Hao. They're going to show those boys a thing or two! Did that sentence arouse anybody else?

Babs decides to go undercover in the mixed martial arts circuit and uses the alias "Amy Beddoes". That's her old Suicide Squad alias! I have nothing else to say about that!

Babs discovers Batgirl isn't as good at Mixed Martial Arts as she thought she was. So she trains for a bit in preparation for maybe getting into the tournament before heading back to the hotel where she finds Kai has upgraded them to a super expensive suite in a place called the Marina Bay Sands. I guess that's fancy? Now Babs is really suspicious of Kai because he just keeps showing more and more evidence that he's a super villain.

Possible super villain what now?

If fucking a super villain is good enough for Batman then it had damn better be good enough for Batgirl too! I hope Kai's super villain name is Catboy.

After kissing Kai, Barbara decides to overthink where their relationship is going for an entire week instead of just diving in and living life. One week of her life doesn't have to be fifty years! Trust your sexual arousal, Babs! Although when Kai says, "When I look at you, I see a whole future," my first thought is, "Whew! Good thing Babs didn't sleep with him!" The problem with ditching a guy who is enamored with you is that if you don't have sex with him, he'll continue to pursue you no matter how many times you tell him you aren't going to have sex with him. And if you do have sex with him, it just gets worse! Guys in love are impossible! It's like you're just going about your life and then suddenly you've stepped in a bear trap and you can't escape and that bear trap is some nerd who thinks you're made for each other! Although Kai is good looking enough to lose himself in a whole bunch of meaningless sexual conquests. The real trouble is when you're kind to a nerd who isn't charming and attractive and that nerd somehow gets his leechy mandibles attached to you. Good luck convincing some other female to take that bullet for you!

Friday comes around and Kai is preparing to leave for Shanghai while Babs still has some fighting and investigating to do. If she doesn't get her bell rung too hard at her fight against "The Moth," maybe she'll still have time to lose her virginity before Kai leaves. Or maybe she'll need to severely get her bell rung for that to happen?

Babs notices The Moth also has a student tattoo. She's found a new lead! Which is followed immediately by being knocked out in the ring and probably losing all respect in the Singaporean MMA community. Plus she'll probably still be unconscious as Kai's plane leaves. Oh well. Maybe Rebirth isn't the DC Universe for Babs to get laid in.