Robin, Son of Batman #13

The Review!
Ray Fawkes finally convinces me that he's capable of writing Damian well. He may have done it an issue or two but I'm only now publicly acknowledging the fact. He had a lot of help from my crush on Maya. Without that, I might not have cared enough to finish reading this series. That's a lie. I would have finished reading this series whether I cared about it or not. Having horribly inappropriate feelings for an underaged fictional character just helped! The important word in that last sentence was "fictional". Now I'm wondering if Nabokov wrote Lolita so he could look at every man who ever read it and think, "You probably got aroused reading that, didn't you? You pervert!" It is a pretty awesome accomplishment to write something that should so horribly offend the social and cultural norms of the reader but still allows them to get all hot and heavy about the sexy bits. They're just as disgusting as the protagonist of the novel! Whose name I can't remember because his name wasn't used as the title! I would also like to say that I totally didn't find any bits of Lolita sexy. Maybe my penis did. But my mind was all, "Ew! Who would want a relationship with a young girl?! I can't even imagine having a relationship with somebody in their twenties at this point in my life! And I'm not even sure I could deal with somebody in their thirties! To me, they're all just unwashed twelve-year olds playing Dungeons and Dragons around their parents' kitchen table! No matter how hot they might look!" Also, A+ or 8 out of 10 or 77% or whatever rating you want to choose for this issue. What do you care if I liked it?! Formulate your own opinions!

The Commentary!
Damian has decided that to truly atone for his wickedness and bad behavior, he's going to rehabilitate Naimad! Err, Suren! Suren is currently the physical manifestation of Damian's bad attitude. Maya probably totally thinks he's hot. Except she's way older than him, by like two years or something. That might not seem like a lot but it's vast when you're eleven and thirteen. Or ten and twelve. Or thirteen and fifteen (although maybe not so much there). I really don't know how old any of these kids are!

Maya is super cute so if I write anything disgusting involving her and my seedy desires, just remember that it isn't my old, perverse man desires talking! It's the naive, innocent longing that still lives in my head which allows me to remember being that age! Boy, the things I would do to Maya if I were her age again! I'd sit and stare at her creepily! I'd avoid eye contact! I'd develop several different spontaneous speech impediments if I were somehow forced into a situation where we had to speak! I'd write down the lyrics to Lionel Richie's "Hello" on a sheet of paper and think about giving it to her! After I was through with Maya, she'd never even know I existed!

Oh Maya! You're so dreamy!

Sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to know if I wanted to be with a girl (in an innocent, I have no idea what to do around a girl but my heart is dying kind of way) or if I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to have that power to allure boys like me! For some reason, I associated that power to capture hearts as only one that girls had. But I'm sure there were just as many girls my age (probably more!) wishing they could also be the cute girl I was pining for. So it wasn't so much being a girl as being a cute girl! And that thought just made my mind think of doing a parody Robert Frost poem that I probably shouldn't type but will anyway.

Bitches By Grunion Frost

When I see hot bitches bend to left and right,
Across the lines of taller, uglier girls,
I like to think some boy's been doing it to them.
But doing it to them doesn't bend them down to stay
As text-books do. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with books a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They clique upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-colored
As the stares watch the wind lift their hemlines.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed fuzzy sweaters
Plopping and tumbling on the snowy bench--
Such heaps of frilly warmth abandoned
You'd think a passing Gap truck lost its merch.
They are dragged from class to class by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bored
So bad for so long, they never write themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the mall
Years afterwards, trailing their jackets on the ground
Like birches bent over by ice from an ice-storm, their limbs
Before them on the ground, leaves darkening in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the text-books
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to "fetch the cows"--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only porn was porn he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could jerk alone.
One by one he subdued his school's 'B's
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not propositioning too soon
And so not driving the girl away
Clear to her home. He always kept his poise
With the hot bitches, escalating carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he swung forward, lips first, with a swish,
Groping his way down through the clothes to the mound.
So was I once myself a doer of bitches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a loveless bang
Where your face burns and tickles with MDMA
Racing across it, and one eye is weeping (if you get my meaning)
From a "twig's" having jacked it off across the room.
I'd like to get away from maleness awhile
And then come back to it after being a hot bitch.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
To return me an ugly girl. Hot bitches are right for love:
I don't know who it's like to go better with.
I'd like to go by climbing a bitch
And climb black limbs up a chocolate trunk
Toward heaven, till the girl could bear no more,
But doffed her top and got me off again.
That would be good both going and coming and coming and coming.
One could do worse than be a doer of bitches.

Just remember as you judge me that that was a playful parody of a poem I love very much! It never even occurred to me to turn "Birches" into "Bitches" or how it might be manipulated to, um, sort of work. Kind of. Not really but remember, it was playful! The only reason it sprang to mind was the line about some fate half granting the wish to leave and come back to Earth when I said I sometimes fantasized about being a girl but, of course, realized what I wanted was to be an adorable girl. I mean, who doesn't?! Anyway, you either forgive me for that playful bent or you don't. Either way, let's get back to Robin, Son of Batman!

While eating dessert, the kids are attacked by some Lu'un Darga Ninjas. They're a little bit angry that Suren fucked up the world ending ritual because they had already told all of the people they owe money to fuck off. Now imagine how embarrassed they are to have to deal with those people again, seeing as how the world didn't end! I'd be mad too.

The Ninjas drop down dead, killed by some energy draining power from one of Suren's still living relatives. He or she probably should have coordinated the attack with the ninjas so that the ninjas weren't accidentally killed. Maya is able to trace the energy drain to beneath the crater in Tunguska, Russia.

Even in the face of unspeakable evil, they're adorable!

Deep under Tunguska, Damian, Maya, Goliath, and Suren encounter Suren's father, Den Darga! That probably means this story is almost over! Suren is about to come to term with his Daddy Issues! That's always the ultimate story in any DC character's character arc. I think Marvel must deal with the Mommy Issues. Is that why DC begins with a "D" and Marvel begins with an "M"? Did I just crack the comic book equivalent of the Da Vinci Code?!

Den Darga is surprised to see his son alive while the world yet lives. But I'm glad they had this encounter so I can point out another great moment in Grandmaster Comic Book Readerdom!

As I said in the commentary on Issue #12: "His father may or may not have loved him but he certainly doesn’t love him now, the little failure!"

Robin's great big plan to stop Den Darga is one of his dad's favorite plans: play the martyr! That always gets the girl! So Damian destroys Den Darga's Apocalyptic Battery of Souls but, in so doing, collapses from the strain. He's probably dead, right? Totally dead. It's not like Gotham and Gotham Girl could be bothered to save a fricking Robin.

Damian is only mostly dead and his spirit is able to reenter his body through the encouragement of his friends and the obliteration of Daddy Issues. I would scan the page where Robin cries (not letting his friends see his joy in being loved so well) but there's a really cute picture of Maya's butt on that page and I fear I might get creepy talking about it. I think it's okay to talk about it in this paragraph where you can't actually look at it. Also she's a fictional character and I'm going to believe she's thirty-eight years old. And you know what they say about thirty-eight year olds and their butts! Yeah, you know what. I don't either. I think maybe nobody says anything about that.

So, you know, that's it! The end! The kids win! Suren has defeated his father just like every child must if they're going to become an adult. I think that's why I'm still not much of an adult. I should probably get on solving all of those Daddy Issues and/or destroying my father.

I wanted to end with this picture saying, "So cute!" But the cynical, disgusting part of my brain keeps screaming, "Suren has a boner!"

Action Comics #959

This is Lex trying to be a good guy?

The Review!
I guess Dan Jurgens wasn't happy with the Death of Superman story he wrote twenty-five years ago. It's time to tell it differently. Probably with a surprise ending where Superman lives! I hope it ends soon though because the only interesting thing about Doomsday is that he once killed Superman. And--let's face it--he's not going to do it again. So what we have here is a story with no tension about a villain with no personality on a rampage with no motivation. I don't think it ticks off any boxes in the "Things That Make A Story" list of boxes to tick! Although it does leave the reader wondering, "Who is Clark Kent? What a surprise mystery! My bowels are on fire! This story is so exciting! No, wait! That's the burrito I ate doing that! So many jalapeños!" I wonder how many times during the story Dan Jurgens asked his editor, "Can we make the enemy Soviet Russia?" Only the people you know that Dan Jurgens is a robot built in 1986 whose memory has never been upgraded will understand that joke. And maybe even some of those people won't understand it!

The Commentary!
I tend to avoid saying or writing things in a straightforward manner which usually just confuses earnest and probably boring people. It also confuses the Actually Nerds because they can't wait to fucking find fault with something somebody said! And a lot of times, it seems like I might have put forward an erroneous piece of information! I probably didn't but don't try to convince an Actually Nerd that you weren't wrong! Although if you consistently write in a confusing enough manner, you can get away with saying all kinds of horrible things! Because when somebody accuses you of being pro-domestic violence (which seems a really fucking strange thing to believe somebody would believe! I mean, they might commit domestic violence or make jokes about it but you'll rarely find somebody bearing its standard! I mean, unless they're religious in a really fundamental way!), you can tell them that they read the offending piece wrong and that maybe they should try reading it again but with the understanding that I am not pro-domestic violence. That usually clears things up. Or, at the very least, it makes the person go away. And I don't feel the need to come out on top of every debate I have! I just want it to end quickly so I can go back to not being bothered by people.

This issue begins with Preboot Lois Lane remembering when Preboot Doomsday attacked Preboot Superman.

Let's be honest here: at the time, the Justice League were amateur hour.

In the previous caption, I didn't know whether to say "the Justice League were amateur hour" or "the Justice League was amateur hour." But since Lois settled on were even though she may have only used that in reference to they (which was referencing the Justice League, so...), I decided to follow suit. She is the greatest journalist ever for some reason! I think in her comic book, Lois Lane, Superman's Girlfriend, she used to write cute little articles that got some attention. You know, for a girl.

Oh! That was one of those horrible things I pretend I can get away with writing! Because while most people will read it and call me an asshole and never read anything I've written ever again, some people will read that and understand that I'm not being sexist at all! I'm pointing out how sexist it was to name Lois Lane's comic book, "Superman's Girlfriend." But some people don't like that kind of satire or parody or whatever it was. They just think I'm using it as an excuse to belittle Lois Lane's writing due to her gender. I would never do that! I always belittle her writing because it's usually horrible. Especially when Scott Lobdell is allowed to write it.

I don't think Lois meant for this to sound like it does.

Doomsday is currently killing Lex Luthor and Superman is taking his time coming to the rescue. I know Superman is supposed to save everybody but it's not like he has to save everybody immediately, you know? Sometimes learning a lesson is more important than a few broken bones.

Doomsday says "Brah!" when Superman finally tackles him off of Lex. Does that mean I should begin referring to him as Doucheday? Doomsdouche? I don't think either one of those is catchy enough. It's not like Deathstork which just rolls off the tip of my fingers (mostly on accident).

Superman has decided that this isn't the Doomsday of this Earth who was already pummeled into an airborne virus. This is the same Doomsday from his world! Or at least a nearly identical approximation of that Doomsday, probably created by all of the worlds greatest scientists and artists on a secret island who were then killed before receiving their paychecks from Doctor Oz(ymandias). If Superman can defeat Doomsday this time, he'll pass the test! I don't know what kind of test it is. I guess it's to test if Superman will actually think through a problem instead of bashing it into submission with his fits.

Superman smashes Doomsday through the street and into the sewers. The mysterious new Clark Kent falls in the hole while warning Jimmy Olsen not to fall in the hole. He's clumsy enough to be the real Clark Kent! And he breaks his arm in the fall, so he's definitely not a super person. He probably is New 52 Superman who finally lost all of his powers and somehow switched places with the Quarmer. He's going to need some tips from Steve Trevor about how to survive having sex with Wonder Woman.

Clark and Superman exchange a few words to let the reader know something fucked up is going on but doesn't reveal enough to be interesting. Why do characters always waste time talking about how there's no time to explain the stuff that the reader wants explained? Just explain the stuff in the same amount of time it takes to argue about how you don't have time to explain it!

Lex manages to evacuate all of the citizens in the area just before Superman and Doomsday blow a crater in Metropolis a mile wide. Only Doomsday emerges from the rubble which doesn't mean anything except that Doomsday can dig out of rubble faster than Superman. But it probably causes Lois to pee her pants a little bit as she watches from home with Jon.

Detective Comics #936

What are the odds that Batman has yet to catch a bullet in the teeth?

The Review!
The revelation of the leader of The Colony was actually a huge disappointment for me. But I should have expected it! I was thinking this was the Rebirth of Detective Comics which meant an earth-shattering revelation was about to be dropped in the readers' collective lap! But what I forgot to remember was that this is just another issue of nine hundred plus issues of Detective Comics! It's nothing special at all! Nobody expects a mind-bending twist from Issue #936! How is that number important? It's like two members of a sixty nine got pissed at each other, turned their backs, and somebody shoved an ass between them! Or a bust? What I'm trying to point out is that #936 is only important if you're lucky number is three. Or six. Or nine. Or probably any other number because numerology is for nutjobs. On the plus side, the storytelling is well done (aside from Batman getting beat by only fifty guys emulating Batman. Please!) and the dialogue is pretty good (except for how chatty Cassandra was this issue). If I were teaching James Tynion IV creative writing, I would probably have given him a free pass into the world of comics too! Except I don't have any of those passes. It's even possible I have a negative number of those passes due to all of the ill will I've generated in the comic book professional community. Although is Cullen Bunn really a "comic book professional"? I don't think Hack Writer is one of their titles.

The Commentary!
Last night, somebody on Tumblr asked me what I thought of the Cho/Rucka Controversy. I hadn't heard about it because I don't give a shit about all that behind the scenes stuff but I did imagine that it probably had something to do with Frank Cho drawing Wonder Woman too naked and Rucka climbing onto his high horse so he could look down his nose at Cho. I think I was close enough to guessing what happened even though it was really just business stuff and DC Comics giving unclear assessments of jobs to freelancers and was actually some stuff that never actually needed to be brought to the public's attention. But then, I guess a lot of people like comic books for some seriously different reasons than I like them. I always thought it was about the stories and the characters. But it seems to be all about the gossip and outrage and excitement inherent in waiting for DC to fuck up.

The issue begins in a lesbian bar which isn't as exciting as your male gaze wants it to be. I guess if you're not male, you'll just have to imagine what the male gaze was expecting. It's not really hard to imagine: women playing Axis and Allies, drinking beers, watching sports, sucking each others' dicks. You know, stuff guys do.

Kate has summoned Renee to the lesbian bar and Renee has answered the summons in the hopes of having ex-sex. I bet ex-sex is pretty good because you still have an intimate knowledge of each other and you still care about each other but you don't have to worry about their stupid ass problems anymore. You just get to have an orgasm and not worry about calling them the next day. I wish I had an ex to have sex with! I mean, I wish one of my dozens of exes were around to have sex with me. But they're probably all busy at camp.

Renee isn't interested in ex-sex which is weird because I made it sound so great! Is it not really great? Is it actually overly complicated and rigged with emotional pitfalls and just ends in petty recriminations and remembered resentments?!

Anyway, Kate gets a call from Tim to let her know that Batman just got his ass kicked by only fifty guys and that maybe she should come down to The Belfry to help him point and laugh at Bruce.

Batwoman decides it's time to round up the kids for their first field trip! And by "kids," I'm including her father.

The expert is her dad. You'd have understood that if you were paying attention! There's a reason I followed the "including her father" bit with these panels, dum-dum!

Daddy Kane starts talking military strategy and possible motives of the Fake Batman Army. While they talk, Cassandra Cain is busy fighting a few of the Fake Batmen. I guess they got cocky now that they beat the main Batman. It's just that they didn't realize that they didn't beat the best Batman. Cassandra is going to kick some serious ass. Which she does. But her accomplishment is overshadowed by the fact that Daddy Kane is the guy behind the Fake Batman Army. What a dick! If you can't trust military fathers, who can you trust? No wait. I just meant to type "You can't trust military fathers." You can trust anybody more than you can trust a military father!

Daddy Kane decides to explain to the Batkids why he's doing what he's doing. I don't know why he bothers. Even if he could spray the room with rainbow semen right now, none of them would be impressed. He just betrayed them all and beat up their replacement father! Even if he explains that his Batman Army are taking down terrorists left and right without batarangs or due process, they won't listen. He's now become the enemy!

Batwoman and the Batkids escape because all of the talking took up too many pages for any actual fighting to take place. I guess their attack on the military and their treasonous acts against the United States will just have to wait another two weeks.

New Super-man #1

Cars don't get into serious accidents with other cars in China! They get into accidents with mopeds, bikes, pedestrians, and capitalism!

The Review!
This is my new favorite Superman book. It is a real DC Comics comic book, right? This isn't just a Chinese knockoff? Because it feels like I just got a Bat-Man action figure whose name is Bruce Parker and he carries a lasso of truth. But that's the joke, right? "Let's make a Chinese version of Superman and it'll be like a counterfeit, knock-off Superman product! And why stop there? China can have knock-offs of the whole Justice League! It'll be totally hilarious and not insensitive or stereotypical at all! Because it's just a fact that China doesn't give a shit about international trademark and copyright law! And also they're very wise!" But seriously (which is something I say to make sure nobody thinks I was being gross or problematic!), this is a fun book. Even the unlikeable main character is totally likeable. I think it's the way he says "ha ha" a lot! Plus he's got enough flaws that he'll be learning lessons for a long time. That's like pre-written material built in to the premise! Also the art is great! And the lettering didn't make me go blind, so I guess it was good. Plus there were colors, so way to go Hi-Fi, if that's even your real name. What are you, a robot? Or a DJ?

The Commentary!
I'm a bit worried about commenting on this comic book. What if I say something racially insensitive when I think I'm just being facetious and charming? This is why I like comic books with white male leads! I know that I can't ever go too far with a joke about them! People are always crying for more diversity and representation and inclusion. But I'm always thinking, "No! No! That just means more pitfalls for me to fall into because of my stupid sense of humor! Can't we let the white males remain in power for just a little bit longer?!" I suppose I should be happy about a comic book starring a Chinese Super-man in China because it'll give me a chance to tell all of my stories for when I traveled in China! I bet I can even wedge in a few Hong Kong, Singapore, Japan, and Thailand stories! Well, maybe not Thailand! I bet if I stay silent about Thailand, people will think I had a more sexually adventurous time there than I actually did!

Plus it'll give me a chance to share vacation photos!

Maybe the next one will even be a photo of China instead of the Badlands in South Dakota!

The issue begins in Shanghai, China, where I've been. I've been there. Totally been all over that. It also begins with a stylistic choice that I despise but I suppose I'm just going to have to get over it at some point. It's been nearly five years now that I've been back to reading comic books and I just can't get past it: the Narration Boxes in the voice of the main character directed at the reader. Don't acknowledge me, you fictional character! You're not supposed to know that you're in a comic book and that I'm reading your adventure! Chinese Superman is even telling me to take notes about his origin story! Fuck that! I haven't been in school for twenty years! I'll be damned if I remember anything ever again!

Now I'm expecting an old man in a fishing boat to tell me about prejudice because I called New Super-man "Chinese Super-man". It's not like I refer to Superman as American Superman! But then that's because "Superman" never needed disambiguation before! Maybe I can just refer to him as "Superman" and it can be acknowledged that I'm speaking about the Superman who is the star of this comic book. If American Superman guest stars, I'll call him American Superman because he's the one causing the confusion.

Oh good! New Super-man is an insensitive bully! Maybe he'll distract people from my insensitivity and penchant for bullying!

I wouldn't normally think of myself as a bully. Critic is a much better term! Besides, I would never comment on Scott Lobdell or Ann Nocenti's physical features! I just critique their ability to write! It would be wrong of me to point out Cullen Bunn's cue ball head while writing about his terrible writing choices on Twat Lobo.

I don't think Superman will continue to be an unlikeable and unsympathetic character. I have a feeling he's going to learn some lessons soon! Although he's still mighty cocky in his Narration Boxes. Double although, no more cocky than I am in my reviews! So maybe he's actually kind of lovable! He even calls the kid he's stealing the soda from "Fat Boy." Ha ha! That's funny! Like both atomic bombs in one, right?! I bet that kid's farts smell terrible!

After the bullying and the reverse-bullying plays out, a villain named Blue Condor flies down to kidnap Fat Boy because Fat Boy's parents are rich. Instead of just laughing about it, Superman throws the can of soda at Blue Condor's head, helping Fat Boy escape. What a hero! An insensitive bastard of a hero but still a hero!

Superman's secret identity is Kenan so I should probably start calling him Kenan when he's not Superman. Especially since he isn't even Superman yet! Although he is in the Narration Boxes! Kenan must be his surname since it sounds like Kent. Does surname mean last name? Maybe I should stick to words I know the definitions of. No, that would hardly work. I need to have a reputation for using the best words!

Kenan meets Chinese Lois Lane!

Lan shares the video of Kenan throwing the soda at Blue Condor on social media and she's instantly fired from Primetime Shanghai for giving away the exclusive footage for free. Although China is still Communist-minded (if not totally Capitalist-hearted!), so maybe she'll get a big promotion for sharing such footage portraying the average Chinese citizen as brave and dutiful! And by promotion, I mean maybe they'll let her use the special internet without the government firewall two or three times per week.

I hope my complete ignorance of China isn't showing!

Lan makes up for her blunder by getting an exclusive interview with Kenan which enables the woman who will eventually turn him into New Super-man to pick him for her experiment. He's become the People's Hero and he doesn't even know it yet! I just hope he doesn't start an international incident by referring to Batman as "Fat Boy".

Kenan lets Lan know he's totally interested in doing it to her but she's not into robbing the high school locker room. I bet later she totally falls in love with him though! And maybe they'll get married in issue #250! I hope I don't have to wait that long for them to do it though. I bet Lan floods the Mekong Delta when she gets a glimpse of New Super-man though! That wasn't insensitive because she's Chinese and not Vietnamese. Plus it's wordplay on Kenan's name Kong!

Since Kenan can't convince Lan that she's going to fall in love with him eventually so why not start dating now, he rushes home to tell his dad about his heroics.

I think Kenan's dad is going to teach Kenan all about great responsibility! With a little help from Blue Condor, of course!

Kenan's dad is all "Truth! Justice! Democracy!" "Democracy" is obviously just the only way he could say "The American Way" without being American. But we know everybody secretly wants to be American! Or at least have the confidence of an American. Hell, I wish I had the confidence of an American. But I think you have to be really stupid and ignorant to have the kind of confidence that most Americans have.

Anyway, Kenan's dad is already teaching him about responsibility and he hasn't even been killed by Blue Condor yet! He's all into freedom and junk because he belongs to a Writers Group called "We Are Not Revolutionaries At All!" I wish he were actually in a revolutionary improv group.

Kenan's dad shits all over Kenan's hopes of getting laid by a big shot reporter. So he's a normal dad. He also reveals that Kenan's mom was killed in some mysterious way that might have been caused by Fat Boy's father! Instead of telling his dad he hates him like a good American kid would do, Kenan simply goes to hang out with his mother in the cemetery. That's when he's approached by the woman who will turn him into New Super-man! Her name is Dr. Omen and she works for the Ministry of Self-Reliance and none of that sounds spooky or suspicious at all! Take the offer to become the New Super-man, kid!

Kenan goes off with Dr. Omen because that's what kids do when their fathers are huge dicks who don't get excited when good stuff happens to you. You run off and join a circus and overdose on heroin! Or hide out at Larry Mondello's house! But Kenan has a different opportunity! He can become a superhero! Which he totally does! He's infused with Superman's powers and then starts acting like a teenager who thinks they know everything. Which means mom and dad need to knock some sense into him!

Ha ha! This issue is called "Made in China"! I feel like I'm off the hook and can be as insensitive as I want! I mean, as long as I'm funny! I won't be mean and racist just to be mean and racist! Probably!

The Flash #2

Is The Flash going to break continuity again?

The Review!
This issue posits the question: if a fight between two speedsters is super boring because it's just like a fight between two people who move at normal speed, how boring will it be if everybody in Central City can move at super speed?! My guess is super-duper boring! But since that question is actually the surprise twist ending, we'll have to wait until next issue to find out just how boring a city full of speedsters winds up being. Also you probably shouldn't be reading my reviews if you're worried about spoilers. These reviews (and the subsequent commentary) are meant to entertain people who have already read the issue. It's for people who just put down their DC Comics book and wondered why they don't have an easy means to end their life so decide to go online to see if anybody else thought the comic book they just read was also tremendously shitty. Not that this book is tremendously shitty! It's actually written pretty well. It's just that I've learned that maybe The Flash comic book isn't for me. I like the idea of The Flash but if the only way to make his way too overpowered powers interesting is to give his enemies the same powers, it's fucking boring. Or what about the other way to go with The Flash: time travel! I usually like time travel stories but only when the writer puts some thought into them and has an interesting point to make or some surprise twist at the end. But comic book time travel is the fucking worst. Person A from the future comes back in time to make sure Person B in the past is stopped before becoming super powerful in the future. Or some slight variation of that. Sometimes the time traveler is in the present and goes back to the future to change time so the present is better. How about letting The Flash be super awesome at saving Central City because he's unstoppable but maybe give him problems at work. Or maybe give him syphilis and, due to his metabolism, he goes crazy before he can even diagnose himself or get the cure! How about a story where he seriously burns the roof of his mouth because he ate the really hot pizza too quickly? Anything but more "The Flash battles other speedsters" crap.

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with some jerk named August indiscriminately being given super speed powers. It's not fair. I've gone down to the driving range in every storm over the last five years and I have yet to be struck by lightning. I've been hit by plenty of golf balls though. I suppose I don't have to stand in the middle of a driving range to be struck by lightning while twirling around holding a couple of five irons in the air.

August had to be struck by lightning or else he would have been struck by a bullet. And since the name of the issue was "Deus Ex Machina", it would have seemed an inappropriate title if he were killed instead of saved miraculously. I probably would have been pretty angry about it for a few minutes before moving on to the next comic book and some fresh outrage. There's nothing worse than stale outrage! It's weird how it constantly needs to be refreshed for me to feel anything at all!

Oh god! Holy shit! More blasphemies and exclamations! I just realized that Detective August's last name is Heart! August Heart! You can't make this shit up! Except it is made up. And every time anything happens in which somebody feels the need to exclaim "You can't make this up!" or "You can't write this kind of thing!", I feel the need to point out that yes, you can make that shit up. That's exactly the kind of shit that gets made up all of the time. And the bit of reality you just proclaimed made reality so much better than fiction? Probably already a plot point in about five thousand pieces you've never read.

Anyway, I don't think I was done marveling at Williamson's ability to come up with the cheesiest fucking name I've ever read. Just say it out loud a few times. Whew. That's good cheese!

"August Heart" also sounds like a good name for a female masturbation novel.

Dude! You have to learn how to walk before you can run! And you have to learn how to run before you can generate mini-vortexes with your arms!

The Flash has decided that since August doesn't want medical attention for being struck by lightning that he'll just train him to become his sidekick. That seems like a reasonably thought out option. The Flash begins by teaching August the basics: arm vortexes, tornado creation, phasing through walls. It's only after August shows his reticence to try any of the advanced Flash tricks that The Flash actually thinks about training August to simply run super quickly.

August guesses that The Flash is actually Barry Allen because in this version of Barry's origin story, August Heart was right there in the room! But it's okay if August knows Barry's secret identity because how could a guy named August Heart ever betray a friend?!

While Barry gets his panties moist showing off all of his speed powers to a possible sidekick, Wally West is practicing his speed powers on his own. It's going to get really confusing having two Wally Wests in the DC Universe. I need to think up a cool nickname for one of them! How about Wally West and Nerdy Ginger Freckle Boy? That's enduring and not at all offensive, right? Like calling a red haired person "Red" because why bother learning their name when you can just give them the same nickname every other redheaded person has been given by unimaginative morons? Maybe I'll just call them both Wally and not give a shit about who gets confused.

Iris is busy investigating the break-ins at STAR Labs by a group hilariously called The Black Hole. That's slang for an anal sphincter!

What Iris means by "attention he deserved" is "be exploited by a newspaper in the hopes of getting more subscriptions so that the paper can charge more to advertisers and maybe Iris will get some sorely needed name recognition as a print journalist!"

Iris learns about an ex-STAR Labs scientist who is now disgruntled! He's experimenting with the kind of science that makes people scream about scientists playing God which is weird because when has God ever worried about science? He's all, "You want a monkey! Poof! There's a fucking monkey! Evolution my black hole!" God is the worst at science. If I had my druthers, I'd accuse people of being bad at science at playing God!

August and Barry have lunch to discuss super-speed tactics.

August: "I don't need science! I can just punch people super fast!"
Barry: "Now hold up a second there, God! Have you ever considered the force you would create with a super-speed punch? You've got to calculate those things perfectly or your fist will go right through a skull!"
August: "Wow! My algebra teacher was right! I would need to know algebra to be a cop!"
Barry: "Oh, August, you silly goose! Algebra is the least of your math and science worries now! You're in science fiction bullshit territory now!"
August: "Well, whatever. At least we don't have to worry about due process anymore! Super powers are awesome!"

Oh Barry! Batman would be so disappointed in you.

Now Barry has to worry about somebody not using the Speed Force powers in exactly the way he thinks they should be used! Drama! Tension! Control issues! Barry is all, "We can't abuse these powers by doing passionate things to make your life better that I disagree with because they're not making my life better!" And August is all, "I'm now going to say the exactly perfect thing to make you shut up: what about your mom?!" And Barry is all, "Noooooooooo!"

Iris calls Barry and August and is conveniently kidnapped by The Black Hole during the phone conversation. Stupid kidnappers! You never kidnap somebody while they're in the middle of a cell phone call! Amateurs! Now Barry and August have a jump on saving Iris. I bet Barry is all, "Let's go save her!" And August will be all, "What do I care about a stupid reporter? Due process, remember!"

Iris manages to save herself because the kidnappers were even more amateurish than I first realized. Although her solution is to jump out of a moving van into traffic so luckily The Flash just happens to be passing by to catch her. I hope she doesn't put all of the variables together like a real journalist could and realize the only person who could have known she was being kidnapped was August Heart! And I guess Barry but that's too on the nose for a reporter of her skill level.

The Black Hole manage to shoot The Flash with their new technology which is the same old new technology that is always being developed by some alien race or mad scientist. It's that whole weapon that steals powers thing and it's become a total crutch in superhero comic books. And it rarely matters how a character's powers differ from other characters because the weapon always works on anybody with superpowers. And since it's technology and I'm an idiot, I can't come up with any logical reason for a weapon like that to not exist or explain how it totally couldn't work at all! I suppose I also can't think of any arguments like that because the weapons are never explained in enough detail to develop a counterargument. They just absorb powers. Duh!

And then Speed Force lightning strikes nearly everybody in Central City. That's going to confuse the fuck out of tourists.

Wonder Woman #2

DC Comics is obsessed with rebirths, infinities, and year ones. Years one? Fuck English.

The Review!
It's wit a heavy heart that I say goodbye to the Finch Era of Wonder Woman and reluctantly welcome in the Greg Rucka Era. It's not that I don't like well-written Wonder Woman stories that aren't constantly accidentally sexist! But I definitely like commenting on mediocre Wonder Woman stories that can't stop being sexist no matter how hard they try to feminist! I'm like a kid in a candy store that is also full of porn when I get to comment on those kinds of comic books. And the Finches were like a piñata that I could keep hitting over and over again and it wouldn't stop dropping treats! Now I have to put up with stories that are thoughtful and philosophical and insightful! Blech! Those aren't any fun to write about! Sure, I get to say things like "Nicola Scott's art is the opposite of crows feasting on one's eyes" and "Greg Rucka's story is full of emotional weight, I think. Emotions aren't the things that make your anal sphincter clench up and your dick hard, are they? If they are, Greg Rucka's story doesn't have any of that. His stories are full of the other stuff that makes your eyes go blurry and your heart feel like its full of kittens." I don't have anything to say about the colorist or the letterer because I'm not a big phony who only includes those things in my review because that's what people do in comic book reviews. "Oh, the lettering was totally readable!" Bah! Fuck you, Jodi Wynne! So you can pick out nice fonts and fit the word balloons in unobtrusive places! La dee da!

The Commentary!
So the odd issues of Wonder Woman have to do with her in the present trying to figure out why her life is so fucked up (Hint: the editors at DC Comics never really know what they're doing and so they panic every five to ten years and blow up their shit). But the even issues are about Wonder Woman's past and how she came to leave Paradise Island (Hint: it wasn't because of a serpent. Although a man's penis is often compared to a serpent. So maybe it was because of a serpent). How is Greg Rucka going to turn his Wonder Woman Year One into a huge epic when I can summarize it in one sentence: Wonder Woman gives up paradise for cock. Now that I've typed that and reread it a few times and fantasized about Wonder Woman wanting my cock, I'm suspecting that maybe my synopsis isn't entirely accurate and possibly a little bit vulgar. So maybe I should just trust Rucka to make Wonder Woman's story seem less sexist than I did.

After the first scene, I'm not so sure Mister Rucka is going to convince me that he isn't writing a sexist story. I suppose that's because I'm reading it through my own sexist lenses. I knew I should have purchased glasses at a store other than MisogynyCrafters. I'll give an example of my problem!

When I read this, all I can think is, "She's talking about getting laid! With a penis!" I guess that isn't Mister Rucka's fault that I can't engage this comic book philosophically!

If I were to write Wonder Woman's Year One story, it would be all about her wondering what the mythical men are like and how amazing sex with one must be. She'd know all about male anatomy and how children are usually made. She'd know about the kinds of birds and bees that result in offspring and she'd constantly fantasize about how great an act that can create life must feel. Of course she's already have had many, many orgasms, both self-induced and orally induced and digitally induced and toy induced. But because she was denied penis, she would grow up thinking that all of the other orgasm inducing acts were just pale imitations of sex leading to conception. The appearance of Steve Trevor would tempt her more and drive her wild with lust. And then she'd leave the island to have sex with him (because he'd be dying on the island and sex with a dying person is no fun and can even lead to accidentally having sex with a corpse). Finally, she would slip a penis inside of her! And Steve Trevor would come nearly instantly and completely disappoint her. And now she's stuck in the real world surrounded by scads and scads of disappointing dick, realizing that all of the other methods of achieving orgasm were actually the center around which copulation merely orbits.

Or, you know, you could have a Wonder Woman story that doesn't even consider Diana as a sexually curious being. Maybe she's just plain curious of the world outside of Paradise Island! Now if only I could read this comic book with that in mind! It should be easier now that I've indulged my Wonder Woman Year One Coming of Age story.

Diana's friend Kasia tries to convince Wonder Woman that the world beyond Paradise Island is full of disappointing, violent, awful men who treat women as sexual objects and nothing more. I would like to argue with her but I think I already proved her point.

Meanwhile in the real world, the penises practice with their penises.

A few scenes compare the lives of Steve and Diana as they go about their regular routines, Diana's as an Amazon and Steve's as a soldier. Both are shown to be missing something that their daily lives isn't providing for them but they're not so much outsiders that they don't enjoy the company of their friends and compatriots. They both seem to feel somewhat imprisoned by their lives. But only in a small ways and tiny doses! Overall, they both seem upbeat and happy and enjoy what they can from their daily lives.

One day while Diana is out racing her horse about the island, she discovers a tree she's never seen before and decides to investigate.

Ahh! A penis! I mean serpent!

Well, that does it! Diana now has knowledge of all good and evil! Or she's been poisoned. I think they're basically the same thing.

Diana's sisters and friends and lovers find her lying delirious in the field as a god watches from a tree branch. The serpent and the grizzled tree have disappeared. I wonder if the tree was Zeus and the serpent was his penis?

Diana does learn that the tree and the serpent and the stupid owl were all definitely messages from the gods but probably not the message about Zeus wanting to have sex with everything. Instead it was probably a message about Diana's need to leave Paradise although it's strange for Greek Gods to use Christian symbols.

The issue ends with Steve's world colliding with Diana's world a little more literally than Steve and his army buddies would have liked. Especially since everybody but Steve dies. Oh! Maybe the whole serpent message was that there would be a serpent entering Paradise soon and it would cause Diana to be expelled. The serpent is Steve's penis! Or just Steve. It was a prophetic fantasy that almost killed Diana!

The Amazons find Stever Trevor is the only survivor when he touches Diana's foot and she blushes like crazy and probably pees herself a little bit.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps Rebirth #1

This is the worst title to a comic book since The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men.

The Review!
DC was really worried Hal Jordan's fans wouldn't know which Green Lantern book he was in, weren't they? So they decided to call this book "Hey Hal Jordan fans! This is the Green Lantern comic book in which you can find Hal Jordan! Also starring the ridiculous Green Lantern Corps!" I'm glad whoever came up with this title didn't also come up with "Kyle Rayner and The Omega Men". Essentially, this issue, being a Rebirth issue, is just setting up the new status quo for Hal Jordan. He's back to being a regular old Green Lantern and ready to find the Green Lantern Corps and set up shop once more. But this time, he'll be the leader and he won't let any little blue guys fuck it all up. At least not until he realizes Ganthet is still out there and he'll let his guard down because it's Ganthet and then Ganthet will be all, "Hey, I've got a few friends coming by. Do you mind if they stay with me?" And before Hal Jordan can set out some spare towels, he'll be ankle deep in Guardians again. Also in this issue: Sinestro uses Parallax as his Space Viagra.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan looks like he's in a production of Oklahoma! on the cover. Why is Hal so happy? Is Hal ever this happy? Maybe he just had the opportunity to punch a whole bunch of people in their stupid faces! Or maybe he's on Space MDMA!

The story begins with Sinestro setting up camp in Space Sector Zero. He's not one for roughing it so he brought his entire Warworld to the campsite. It's basically his RV since he now looks like an elderly person. Of course Lyssa still looks young and fit because DC knows better than to upset the buttered side of the bread. Hal Jordan fans don't have time to look at old women with shirts cut so low you can see their vagina cleavage. Lyssa attempts to give Sinestro a handjob but he rejects her advances. Didn't the Book of Parallax tell her that Sinestro would spurn her advances?! Maybe if she didn't attempt the act, the Book of Parallax revealed Sinestro would go off to pout about how Lyssa isn't attracted to him anymore and the universe would have gone on peacefully without any more interference from the Sinestro Corps. And who could have that?! It must be time for another Sinestro War!

Hal Jordan has hidden himself away on a dead planet in Space Sector 563. Hal is suffering from a side effect of the green lantern light that the Guardians of Oa didn't warn him about. That's no surprise because they reveal information on a need-to-know basis and, generally, nobody needs to know anything, ever. So now Hal is turning into a being of pure willpower and he's forgetting who he is. But through the power of willpower, he's going to remember his identity! Good thing he's turning into willpower since he needs as much as he can to not totally turn into it.

And totally had sex with the underage one! And possibly the one that looks like an onion, a jellyfish, and a pair of rolled up sweat socks had a disgusting baby.

The Guardians didn't warn Hal about the whole turning into willpower thing because they never expected he'd steal Krona's Gauntlet. That's just the kind of thinking that constantly gets the Guardians in trouble. They create a dangerous weapon but don't destroy it. I understand that compulsion. I would never destroy anything I ever created either because all of my babies are so precious to me, even the ones that could be used against me in a court of law. But then they hire a guy like Hal Jordan who is totally the kind of person who would steal Krona's Gauntlet. But they still don't warn Hal about its dangers because that would be admitting that they might be making some mistakes, or, at the very least, some serious errors in judgment. So instead, most of them decided to be killed by Sinestro so that everything they created would fall apart and they would never have to admit that just about every choice they ever made since Krona first looked at God masturbating the universe into existence was terrible.

On his dead planet hideaway, Hal Jordan begins forging something out of Green Lantern Light. Probably a new ring so he can ditch the stupid glove that is killing him. Or making him better. It's both the same thing because Hal Jordan not being Hal Jordan would be a total shame to Hal Jordan. That's understandable. Sometimes people say I should be nicer and I'm all, "But then I wouldn't be me! You're killing me! I hate you, mom!"

Back on Warworld, Sinestro reveals that he's using Parallax to power Warworld. I guess New Korugar was stabilized by the terraforming weapon of the Red Lanterns so Parallax was free to be enslaved elsewhere. I have some questions concerning Parallax! Why did Ron Marz choose that word as Hal Jordan's new name? Because it sounded cool? I bet he was listening to a lot of Roll the Bones at the time. Other than that, I can't be bothered to write a defense for choosing the name based on the definition of the word. What's even weirder is that an ancient creature born eons before any of the languages of Earth had come into existence had taken the name. I guess it's just one of those weird cosmic synchronicities that cause so many aliens from across the universe to have names with Latin roots. I also don't know why each color of the emotional spectrum needs to be represented by some cosmic light creature. What is their relationship with the spectrum itself? Does the Red Spectrum arise from The Butcher or does The Butcher arise from the Red Spectrum? Or are they simply one and the same, since comic book battles are more exciting when they're fought against monsters. If not for the creatures, Hal Jordan battling against the Red Spectrum would just be Hal swinging wildly at red light waves, I guess.

I think my real question is why did DC Comics allow Ron Marz to shit all over Hal Jordan way back in the early nineties? All of this insanity stems from that moment! I suppose some people would see that as a good thing since they couldn't get enough of Geoff Johns' dick during his Green Lantern Revival.

Hal Jordan finishes creating his own Green Lantern Ring. He explains that the Guardians said they were the only ones who could forge the rings and Hal pats himself on the back for finally proving them wrong. I don't think that's what has happened here at all! I think the Guardians were right! Which can mean only one thing: Hal Jordan is now a Guardian of the Universe!