Deathstork the Terminator #3 (May 2026)

If that's how Slade sees the world, he needs a new fucking mask.

Deathstroke the Terminator #3 (May 2026)
By Tony Fleecs, Carmine Di Giandomenico, Ivan Plascencia, and Wes Abbott
Cover by Carmine Di Giandomenico
Edited by Brittany Holzherr and Marquis Draper

When we left Deathstork last issue, he had just been confronted by Deathblow and Deadshot. But for some reason not Deadborn. You'd think Deadborn would get more love what with having a fucking stupid fucking name. If I were writing Deathstork, he'd be first on my list as Deathstork's new nemesis. We'd learn his secret identity is Johnny Truant and he was actually stillborn but his mother's love and her story of his life (or maybe his Elseworld's life as some jerk named Navidson) somehow made him real. His catch phrase would be "Etch a Pooh air!" and he'd speak in multisyballic words because he'd read the Oxford English Dictionary so many times. Deathstroke wouldn't be able to kill him because he was more ghost than physical person. The only way to defeat him would be to find his mother and kill her. Or find the letters she sent to her blind friend and old lover, Zampano, and burn them. But then he'd find the real monster behind it all was a massive werewolf called Redwood! Also Deathstroke would groom a few minors during the run, just to keep his character tied to his canonic lore.

But back to reality (reality being this comic book I'm reading), you'd think with three guys who love guns and have dead or death in their name, they'd wipe each other out in a matter of seconds. But, surprisingly, these assholes talk a lot. Deathstork is all, "Who killed Wintergreen?!" And Deadshot is all, "Hey buddy! What're you up to?" And Deathstork is all, "Who killed Wintergreen?!" And Deadshot is all, "Why don't you surrender, buddy?" And Deathstork is all, "*waugh waugh waugh* Who killed my father . . . I mean Wintergreen?!" And Deathblow is all, "I love guns!" And then Deadshot reveals the big revelation! No, not who killed Wintergreen. But that Slade apparently knows who killed Wintergreen! What a twist!

I think maybe I suggested at some point that Slade was hunting himself because the guy he was after had all the same attributes as Slade (divorced, middle-aged, male, pedophile) and that maybe Slade wanted a real challenge so he did one of those Philip K. Dick mindwipes so he could hunt himself. Is that what's going on?!

Nobody would be fucking surprised if Deadman joined in with all the other Dead/Death/Noun/Verb guys.

How has this series made it three issues without somebody in editorial threatening to fire the letterer if they don't fucking change the fucking Goddamned fucking font?!

You may not have noticed this detail in the scanned panel above because of the coloring and the diminished size so I'll zoom in for a better look:

Who the fuck is Deathblow aiming at?!

Three of the deadliest psychopaths with guns and after several pages of fighting, nobody has been shot. How am I supposed to buy into this?! These guys are super good at shooting other people but also they're super good at not getting shot by other people who are super good at shooting people? Am I to believe that they're honoring some strict code that doesn't allow them to shoot other people mercenaries so instead they just punch each other in the face a few times and yell non-sequiturs?

What's outside the bounds? What's unacceptable? What code? Were Deadshot and Deathblow created by Ann Nocenti because I don't know what the fuck they're talking about!

In answer to Slade's very astute question, "What are you talking about?", Deadshot answers, "Rule #1, Slade!" Oh! Okay. I get it! They're talking about Fight Club. But Rule #1 is you can't talk about Fight Club so it's really confusing when you have to beat the shit out of somebody who broke Rule #1 and talked about Fight Club.

Deathbro don't miss, dude!

Oh, he doesn't?

Look, you can't be certain that "BANG" sound effect was Deathblow's gun! It may have been from when they knocked him backwards!

Hmm, I'm arguing with myself. I think I might have a Deadman situation here.

Christ this fight is choreographed worse than a Tony Daniel fight written and drawn by Tony Daniel. You'd think if you were writing the fight you were drawing, it'd be easy to translate for the reader. They'd see all the beats, understand how the characters are moving and attacking, easily decode the movements throughout. But you'd have to think one or two more times if it was Tony Daniel writing and drawing. Maybe that's unfair. Maybe he'd gotten better at it since The New 52. I've never felt the desire to pick up another one of his comics after having to read his Detective Comics. You remember? The one where The Joker cut off his own face for reasons that I'm sure they eventually got around to explaining.

So after five pages of confusing fighting and dizzying dialogue, the story slips into a flashback to explain these rules they're arguing over. Rules set up by Deathstork so that maybe he could get Adeline off his fucking back.

Two rules? That's it?!

Adeline doesn't give a shit about the family rule because her sons are already dead. And I guess Slade didn't give a shit about Rule #1 because Deadshot's accusing him of breaking Rule #1. I think maybe in the first issue, Slade went a little tiny bit against the wishes of the client by making a massive spectacle of the kill when he blasted out of the sixth floor of a parking garage in an armored vehicle spraying the whole Goddamned fucking city with poorly aimed bullets. Although they should be talking about Rule #2 and how Slade groomed Terra to get at the Titans and since the Titans consider themselves family, his fucking a minor went against the spirit of Rule #2. Not to mention the actual physical embodiment of, like, um, real, actual statutory rape laws.

Oh wait! There were more rules but they weren't important to the story yet! Rule #3 needs to be mentioned right around when Deadshot and Deathblow are going to kill Slade for free.

"No freebies in the limousine that's not what it's about" -- the Goddess Pink

I hope this becomes one of those comic books where we get a new rule every fucking issue for the next 100 issues.

Wait! Let's get back to Pink and her song, "Respect". I don't expect high-minded philosophical dialogue on a Pink album, especially one where she has a song about how volunteering to feed the homeless is her Vietnam. I mean, um, Pink? PINK?! Did you have nobody around to explain a bad idea to you?! Her song respect feels like a lot of trite dumb bullshit about how women shouldn't be putting out unless they're in some kind of relationship or they're getting something out of it or whatever. But there's a line in there that I think is the heart of the idea and I'm all for it, no matter a person's gender: "Respect is just a minimum." That is followed by "Go on, girl, and get you some!" So, see, Pink wants her girls to be out there fucking and enjoying themselves. But respect being the minimum doesn't sound like a bad rule to follow.

Or maybe I'm wrong? I know I wouldn't mind getting laid by some hot piece of ass who treated me like dogshit. At least I'd be getting laid!

My favorite line on the album, Mizundaztood (I don't know how to spell it or how many fucking Zs she used!) is this one: "What good am I to you? If I can't be broken?" Fuck that's great! Yumyumyummyyum!

Deadshot begins talking too much yet again while Deathblow stands there stupidly with his gun out which gives Deathstroke's healing factor time to kick in so that he can use his super dexterity and speed to leap at Deadshot and slice his guts open before Deathblow can even get an unmissable shot off. Plus more rules!

Oh! This is why they can't tell Slade who sent them or who killed Wintergreen. No snitching is in effect!

By the way, those three shots missed.

During the fight, the mysterious young person who is good with computers so maybe's it's Oracle calls Deathstork with some news: Wintergreen's body wasn't found at the scene. Some mercenary is searching for both Slade and Wintergreen and not caring about leaving evidence of their search. Deathstroke has an idea who it might be. Rose, maybe? That's too obvious though, right? Adeline? Anyway, Slade takes out Deadshot and Deathblow with a knife because when you fight with a gun, you simply expect to win against a knife. And that's when you always lose! I think there's a Biblical passage about it somewhere. If I knew The Bible, I'd find it and quote it but I'd probably spend more time flipping around the Bible than Russell Brand on Piers Morgan's show. I think it was something like "Let he who shoots the first bullet die by the sword and also Samaritans suck, man. Just the worst people. Fucking awful."

It's on your back, stupid.

While Deathstroke helps Deathblow look for his gun, Deadshot walks up and shoots Deathstroke in the good side of his face! Luckily his armor takes the brunt of the damage as it's blown apart because as we've seen before, his eyes don't regenerate. Just before Deadshot pulls the trigger one final time, point blank in Slade's face, he lets Slade know who killed Wintergreen. And let me tell you, it's not the most surprise twist ending anybody's ever read. It's the most expected thing Deadshot could have said.

"Holy fucking shit I just shit myself from surprise and shit!" is what I would have said if Batman had been revealed to have killed Wintergreen. But not Slade. Slade was the main line in Vegas.

The Ranking!
Is the killing of Wintergreen, along with the killing of Alfred, some kind of message DC's trying to send to its long time fans? "We don't need you old fuckers no more! Get the fuck out, man!" I have a feeling this entire story line is just going to be some elaborate Escape Room puzzle that Wintergreen set up for Slade's birthday. It'll end with Slade arriving at some dark warehouse where all the people he battled, as well as Wintergreen, alive and well, will pop out of the dark and scream, "Surprise!" Of course you don't surprise Deathstork like that so they'll all get shot in the face and it'll be the worst party ever, especially when Slade sees the blood leaking out of his giant cake and looks inside to see three dead fifteen year old girls in Terra costumes. Then Slade will shrug and quote Rule #6: "Never scare a man with a gun and super reflexes."

Deathstork the Terminator #2 (April 2026)

Which fucking editor gave the green light to this fucking cover?!

Deathstroke the Terminator #2 (April 2026)
By Tony Fleecs, Carmine Di Giandomenico, Ivan Plascencia, and Wes Abbott
Cover by Carmine Di Giandomencio
Edited by Marquis Draper and Brittany Holzherr

I'm not claiming I know how to create a successful, eye-catching comic book cover. If I knew how to be successful at even one single thing, do you think I'd spend the majority of my time criticizing every other artist in the world's hard work? You don't bitch and moan about every slightest thing when you're successful and content! But since I'm not either of those two things, how about I stop explaining why I'm such an asshole and just get on with being one? Good? Great!

Why is Slade facing away from the reader? Was there a mandate on all "Next Level" second issues to have the character facing away from the reader because Lobo was facing away too! Let me check Batwoman #2. Hmm. Unless the back of her head looks like her face, she's definitely not facing backwards. Being it's the second issue, I'm going to assume it's too late for the "This Character is Back! Get it?!" cover. So what was the decision to create a mostly orangish-red cover focusing on Slade's old man back?

I think I understand it but the road to understanding just happens to go through Whinelikeafuckingloserville. The problem with most people online¹ is that they get sidetracked in Whinelikeafuckingloserville and never come to terms with the thing they decided to shit on. They're so up their own assholes, believing they're the smartest piece of shit in every room and that their instincts are so great that a first impression is the only impression they'll ever need, that they misunderstand the entire world around them. But unlike them, I won't stop at "This cover is shit!" because I'm wrong about everything.

We can't see Slade's face because he's sad, guilty, and probably slightly irritated. He's removed his mask in exasperation at his failure and mourning at the loss of his friend. The orangish-red color mixed with black suggest anger and depression. We also realize that Slade's life has become so entirely focused on violence that his shower has been turned into a weapon arsenal.

He is in the shower, right? This is how I stand in the shower every morning as I contemplate the sad orgasm that just trickled out of my tired body, a metaphor for my need to find joy in life but ultimately find only monotony and despair and semen. Although I seldom wear my pants and pouch belt when I'm showering so I could be wrong. Maybe Slade's shirtless because his shirt is attached to his mask! Yeah, that's probably it.

This issue begins immediately after Slade was blown up at the end of last issue. The soldiers who blew Slade up weren't told that he's got the most powerful healing factor in the DC Universe so when he pops out shooting at them, they all shit their pants and die. Meanwhile, Slade has a flashback to "Years ago" just after he lost his eye.

Back then, Wintergreen recommended that Deathstork murder his wife. So I guess it's good that woman-hating bastard is dead!

I mentioned in my "review" of Issue #1 that I own every series of Deathstork ever published. But that doesn't mean I remember them all! But I think what happened was Adeline was angry that Slade got Grant killed and Joseph's throat cut and she was all, "I should probably hire some people to kill him!" And then she failed or something but managed to take his eye as a reminder to Slade that he got most of his kids killed. Maybe she even pulled the trigger herself! Like I said, my brain sucks donkey dong.²

Deathstork confirms a few panels later that Adeline blew his eye out onto the coffee table because Slade was responsible for their son Grant's death. So my brain mostly remembers stuff. Just not clearly. I wonder if I let too much ocean water into my ears when I was younger and it brined my brain? Stupid Pacific Ocean!

After the memory is over, Deathstork kills all of the soldiers trying to arrest him. None of them can tell him who killed Wintergreen and robbed him blind. So he shoots them all in their ignorant faces in a way that says, "Let's see Batman ignore this!"

When did this turn into a Grendel comic? I wonder if the Pander Brothers can sue for this layout?

I think those boxes were actually too big for the Pander Brothers to sue. Imagine if you could sue other people because they use your stylistic layouts? Keith Giffen would get rich off of all the other nine panel pages out there! At least until he was sued by Sherwood Schwartz³.

You know what? Ignore all that if it wasn't the Pander Brothers who did all those small box bits in Grendel. That might have been Matt Wagner himself! Man, I should probably do research before making pop culture references that my pickled brain only half remembers. Stupid Picklific Ocean!

Deathstork limps away from the base he just broke into, bleeding out and on the verge of dying. Or just passing out, I guess, since his healing is so good⁴. As he does so, he radios somebody he doesn't usually radio because Wintergreen is the guy he usually radios. The guy on the other end of the call keeps quipping and being funny and makes a joke about Batman kicking his ass. I hope it's Dick Grayson⁵, especially after he's all, "You were on a blind drop?! But that's against all ethical and moral rules! I can't help you if you're out there murdering probably innocent people and all of the innocent soldiers guarding him and two sexy young ladies too!" But Deathstork is all, "Look. Just fire up the Bat computer and get me some information about this client that just killed Alfred's best friend and stole all of my money!"

Whoever's at the other end of the call won't help Slade until Slade pays him and currently Slade has zero dollars. Which means Deathstork's going to have to go on r/INeedSomebodyKilledFast and take a few jobs to get back on his feet. But first he has to get back on his feet. Which should happen sometime after he passes out and/or enjoys a recent memory of having breakfast with Rose as she chastises him for being a murderer. But before he can finish the memory or click "ACCEPT" on the job, his safehouse is attacked by more soldiers. But that's okay because Deathstork can't be killed by normal soldiers! It doesn't matter how many guns or rockets or grenades or tanks they have because Slade has a sword!

Swords don't run out of ammunition!

Luckily for the client (but not for all of the soldiers because Slade killed them all), not everybody hunting Slade is a normal soldier.

Whew. I'm glad they put the text on there because I never would have remembered Deathblow's stupid name!⁶

The Ranking!
It's only been two issues so I don't mind that they keep teasing the reveal of the person behind Wintergreen's murder. I think most people would expect it would play out like this without a reveal but there are more than the one way to keep people hooked. A reveal at the end of the first issue wouldn't have been terrible because just revealing Slade's antagonist would draw people back for the eventual confrontation between them (assuming it was an exciting enough reveal!). That's usually my choice but I think it takes a bit more confidence for a writer to not lead the reader on. The mystery always seems like the easier way to draw people in. I don't think that's true but in this case, it's fine! The story's working, Deadshot has been revealed for next issue (and Deathblow, I guess!), and I'm even more curious about the young chin (male or female? I'm not sure!) that Slade was attempting to get help from than I am about the main antagonist! The person Slade called for help was really worried about Slade breaking a bunch of rules Slade made by asking this person for help. Does that mean this person is a young woman whom Slade is legally not supposed to be within 300 feet of?!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I could probably have omitted this word.
² Lucky brain.
³ That's a The Brady Bunch joke!
⁴ Except when it comes to eyeballs.
⁵ But it's probably Jason Todd. Which will be okay because he's not being written by Scott Lobdell.
⁶ If you love Deathblow and hate that I think his name is stupid, just replace that caption with this one: "It looks like Deadshot has fleas!"

Deathstork the Terminator #1 (March 2026)

If Deathstork were actually any good, he wouldn't need laser sites to aim. Shit. Was that ableist? Does he need them because he only has one eye?! Oh, who cares. He's a pedophile!

Deathstroke #1 (March 2026)
By Tony Fleecs, Carmine Di Giandomenico, Ivan Plascencia, and Wes Abbott
Cover by Carmine Di Giandomenico
Edited by Marquis Draper and Brittany Holzherr

• I guess March is Anti-Hero Month at DC Comics because alongside Lobo, they've also released BatmanButWithTits¹ and Paedo the Terminator. It was probably a good move because idiots like me² figure as long as they're in the store picking up Lobo #1, they might as well pick up Batwoman #1 and Deathstork the Terminator #1 as well.

• While doing a little research to see if I've collected every volume of Deathstork that exists to date (I have), I noticed that this series was Volume 2 of Deathstork the Terminator and not Volume, I don't know, 3? 4? of simply Deathstork. In essence, this is a sequel to the early '90s series where Deathstork got to participate in Total Chaos and was almost outshined by a ginger troll from the future who loved to say, "Cheese this!" Boy, wasn't that an exciting time for Titans fans! Evil Nightwing! Rapist Mirage! Terry Long creeping out another generation of teenagers! Terra back to tempt Paedostork!

• I'm going to read this entire comic book while picturing everybody naked. Especially if Wintergreen is in it. I mean Rose Wilson! I fucking meant Rose Wilson!

• Oh, I'd also like to point out that I think Rose Wilson is 50-something so don't start talking about pots and kettles, you jerk! Rose was conceived while Slade was in Vietnam, right? So, you know, do the math! I mean, have your smart phone do the math! We're "All In", baby, and that means whatever happened in the DC Universe happened! Rose Wilson just looks young because she's full of super soldier semen. I mean serum.

The DC Wiki has a long list of Rose Wilson's powers but "talking while drinking" isn't one of them. I should update it!

• I wonder how many times Billy and Alfred have stood around smoking cigars and shaking their heads as they watched their "Masters" beat the shit out of each other? I bet they're best friends!

• Why's everybody in the Deathstork universe have white hair?

• Oh, I should finish Rose's thought for her from that last panel! She finishes her statement with "He's a killer." Well, I'm glad somebody isn't delusional about Slade Wilson! I mean, she's delusional in that she probably doesn't think he's a Paedo but, well, you know. All in, baby!

• I've often had people scream at me online in their defense of Deathstork, claiming he's not a pedophile at all. But did you read that part about how I have every single run of Deathstork comics?! You can like the character and still acknowledge that he knowingly groomed and fucked an underage girl. And don't buy into Marv Wolfman's whole thing about Terra seducing Slade! Marv had some weird ideas about older guys and younger women. Also weird ideas about demons from other dimensions that super loved rape. He also once looked me straight in the eyes and said, "There will be an animated Elfquest movie." Okay, maybe not straight into my eyes and more like straight into the ears of everybody in the room at that panel at Comicon. But it felt like he ripped out my soul when that movie never materialized.

• Why was Marv Wolfman talking about an animated Elfquest movie? I don't remember the particulars but I think he was involved with the Pinis somehow trying to get it done. I don't think I'm remembering that wrong although I very well could be. I should also blame the Pinis for ripping out my soul but then they didn't create Terry Long so I can easily forgive them.

• Later that evening, Deathstork's on a job to murder somebody for money. He doesn't know who he's murdering for money because he gets extra money for murdering unknown people because it's harder to look Batman in the eye and say, "I'm not a villain! I'm an anti-hero! Like your dead sidekick!" Because you can't have the word "hero" anywhere near your name if you're fucking underage girls. I mean if you're murdering people without any knowledge of the people you're murdering. He's just taking the word of a person with a bunch of money that he's murdering a terrible person. Hell, maybe Slade doesn't even have to tell himself the world's a better place because he killed somebody. He just has to know the numbers keep going up in his bank account.

Oh look! Slade's actively making the world a worse place by killing a whistleblower!

• The typeface used in this series is going to drive me fucking batty. It's just too small! When I shrink a longer panel down to 600 pixels to fit within my blog's boundaries, it becomes really hard to read. Stupid Wes Abbott! Use Bold Arial or something so I can see it clearly!

• To make sure this first issue is super exciting, Tony Fleecs writes in a scene where Deathstork rides atop an armored car as it crashes off the eighth floor⁵ of a parking garage and into the middle of a special forces escort protecting his target. Slade's left hand holds his staff which is pressed down on the accelerator of the vehicle leaving him to shoot his semi-automatic rifle one-handed. He can do all of this because he's a super soldier and also because he's a comic book character but mostly because Tony Fleecs sat down to write this script and thought the answer to the question, "Should this be in any way believable, even as a comic book?" was "No! No! By all the Gods in Heaven, NO!"

• Deathstork explains to Wintergreen that the people he's killing who were just paid to protect a whistleblower don't mean anything to him. He doesn't hate them. He doesn't pity them. He barely even thinks about them as he cuts them all down and ends their one and only existence. But he does despise the people who pay him to kill people because they're all, "Do it this way! Don't do it this way!" Wintergreen is all, "I think that's what's called 'being employed'?"

• I'm glad to see Fleecs writing Deathstork as the sociopath he truly is. The only problem with having a monthly comic book about a villainous sociopath is that there's no motivation other than to watch them be awful monsters. That's why the bartender in Lobo #1 had that bit about some "honorable reason" needing to be "shoehorned" into their motivations. There's a big difference in an anti-hero monthly and a villain monthly. I thought I would enjoy Giffen's Eclipso monthly back in the early '90s and, hoo boy, let me tell you: booooooooooo-ring. Just nowhere to go, man! Aside from Eclipso walking around outside the panels on the pages, there wasn't much more to enjoy. Hopefully Deathstork, having a bunch of human connections in his life that he has to navigate, will allow for more drama and story fodder. Eclipso was just sitting on the moon being mad at stuff.

• Although as I say all that, I'm sure Deathstork will have some weird change of heart when he sets his eyes on the client for the first time. Probably be a clone of himself or something and he'll be all, "Wait? What?! I have to kill myself?! But, but, existentialist crisis!"

Well, if these are the kind of self-preservation at any cost assholes that Deathstork's killing then I'm not going to think much about them either. Have fun, Slade!

• During Deathstork's assault on the compound where the target's being held, he's mentally composing a letter to Rose to apologize for being a murderous piece of shit father. I threw in the "murderous" there to distinguish him from all the other piece of shit fathers out there who didn't have to resort to murder to be truly awful. Deathstork's barely exceptional even if he got two out of his three kids killed. Lot of deadbeat dads out there who'd rather hate other men than love their kids.

• Deathstork kills a lot of random men and then he's knocked to the ground by a couple of non-random women.

Weren't these two in Resurrection Man? Enh, I'm probably thinking of somebody else and somebody else.

• Deathstork sets up these women and their "Body Doubles, bitch!" entrance by saying this: "Wintergreen, I've only got one eye . . . how is it that I'm seeing double?" But that would only work if the two women in Body Doubles looked identical. Which they absolutely don't. Which means Tony Fleecs only wrote that line to set up their "Body Doubles, bitch!" introduction to Slade. This is worse plotting than having an assassin ride an armored car through the air while shooting a semi-auto rifle with one hand!

• The dark haired woman of the Body Doubles duo probably shouldn't be dressed so Lolita-esque because now Deathstroke is going to want to fuck her.

See?! He's so gross! I can't wait to buy more of his comics!

• Wintergreen gives Slade some intel on the women in Body Doubles. They're names are Carmen Leno and Bonny Hoffman. They have healing factors. He doesn't give their ages which Slade wouldn't give a shit about anyway, I guess, so, well, Wintergreen knows the important stuff to pass along.

• One of the Body Doubles stabs Slade in the heart which causes him to see his life flash before his eyes. Grant. Joseph. Adeline. The young girl he groomed. You know, Tara! Say her name, right?! TARA! Was Tara Terra's actual name? Seems like a bad choice. Especially since she was a famous princess and everybody would be all, "She seems familiar?" Then she'd be all, "I'm Terra!" And everybody would be, "Oh! Yeah! Tara Markov! That's why she looked so familiar!" And she'd be all, "No, no! I said, 'Terra!' T. E. R. R. A. Dammit!"

• Slade remembers that he has a healing factor and stops seeing his life flash before his eyes. Then he stabs and shoots the Body Doubles before kicking in the door leading to his actual target. Who will it be? What will be the big reveal?! A Caucasian father! Divorced. Three kids! Will it just be a fucking mirror?!

Surprise! It's Alfred's best friend!

• I hope that note is from Batman! But it's probably from Red Hood. Or, you know, Rose, maybe? Would Rose do this to Wintergreen? Of course she wouldn't! It's got to be, um, resurrected Joseph! Or resurrected Grant! Or resurrected Adeline! Or resurrected Tara! The only suspects Deathstork knows are all dead.

• It could be Memento Slade Wilson! Maybe he's trying to get himself to feel anything at all by taking a fuck-ton of Ambien every night so that he disassociates and then gives himself terrible experiences to ignite his feeling sensors! Seems like a lot of work when he could just go out and rent Pig.

• Wintergreen has been dead too long for Slade to do the kissy kissy of life on him. Later, Slade discovers that all his accounts have been drained of cash. His Gotham Bank account. His Deathstork, Inc account. Even his account at the Bank of Markovia which seems a little, um, inappropriate. Why's he gotta bank there after all this time?!

• So somebody used Wintergreen to steal all of Slade's money because Wintergreen had access to it all. If this were a movie, it would have to be Rose because she's the only other character in the comic book. Aside from Body Doubles but I think they were just there to establish some early nemeses for this ongoing series. Deathstork versus two nubile women who also have healing factors! So paedo!

• The issue ends with the person who has been talking to Deathstork this entire time pretending to be Wintergreen saying, "Tick tick, Slade." Then the room explodes. Slade lives but he ends his internal missive to Rose saying something like, "You said I was a killer. But now I'm worse than a killer because everybody stole everything from me and Wintergreen, who kept me in check, is dead and I haven't groomed a young girl in a long time! The world is going to rue the day, bitches!" That's when I stood up and applauded!

The Ranking!
How was this this good? Did I forget DC could publish good new comics after injecting my veins with Pure New 52 for five years (or was it six? How long did they give it before they were all, "Can we get Superboy to punch this universe too?"). I imagine whoever just pissed off Slade won't be the most exciting reveal when it happens (unless it's Batman. I mean, that would be a fucking twist, right? Maybe it's Alfred! Or is he still dead? All in, right?!) but I think I'll continue to get this series for at least one more issue. I love loving Deathstork! I've got to admit, knowing he's a paedo makes it a little bit more exciting. It's like, "Why do I like this character so much?! I'm so naughty!" Also maybe Tara was 28 and just pretending to be 14. If Hal Jordan could have his paedo tendencies retconned with comic book nonsense, Deathstork can too, right?! Maybe Tara was a Durlan who was actually three hundred years old. That would mean she was basically the paedo! Fucking Tara. So gross!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I was going to call Batwoman "Mature Batman" because in The New 52, any book in which the main character was a woman who had sex, it received a Mature Rating. Robin was over in Batman and Robin cutting off heads left and right while Batman tsked at him but did that get a Mature Rating? No sir! That rating was saved for Catwoman enjoying a good frolic and Batwoman scissoring or whatever lesbians do in bed. I'd probably have a better idea if I knew what a woman's naughty bits looked like. I hope the term "scissoring" isn't a visually descriptive term because now I'm fucking terrified.³
² You know. Mindless guppies.
³ Oh wait! I forgot to finish my point about calling Batwoman "Mature Batman"! I didn't do that because I noticed that Batwoman #1 was rated "13+" while Deathstork #1 and Lobo #1 were rated "15+". So has DC finally realized that graphic depictions of violence are more harmful⁴ than women having a fulfilling sex life?
⁴ The term "more harmful" here just means "possibly could cause people to complain if they found their five year old reading it" and not actually "harmful" in any fucking sense of the actual meaning of that fucking word at all. Although by that definition, I think I agree with The New 52 DC in that people would probably complain more about Catwoman having an orgasm while unmarried more than Robin cutting off a terrorist's head.
⁵ That's a guesstimate!

Dark Nights: Batman The Red Death #1

These metal covers don't scan well. Also, I'm now blind.

A bunch of evil Batmen have been set loose on the DC Universe and it's made my penis very hard. I know "very" isn't the most descriptive word I could have chosen but how descriptive do you want me to be about my penis, you pervert? I just mean it's harder than usual! Like it's straining for another quarter inch! Um, on top of the lots of inches that make up the size of a large penis! You know how many that is! So many!

I wonder why I've never been asked to write for a professional comic book blog? Probably because of nepotism. My penis agrees! Nepotism is an anagram for Tom Penis. That's going to be my next Roller Playing character's name!

This issue begins with Batman, The Red Death, explaining what the Dark Multiverse is. Apparently it's the same as the regular Multiverse except it's formed from timelines where you acted on all of your terrible thoughts. I guess that means all the Infinite Worlds in the DC Multiverse are good? Even the one where the Nazis rule? Or does Batman, The Red Death, mean even worse thoughts than Nazism? Like putting M&Ms into your butthole? Whoops! I just made a Dark Multiverse World by thinking that! Also I must be in the Dark Multiverse for reasons that I won't make clear or else you're going to think, "Gross!"

Batman, The Red Death, must have been a comedian before he became Batman, The Red Death, because he begins by telling a joke. His joke is the explanation of the Dark Multiverse that I just explained. He says that no one on "this side" (meaning the Upside-Down!) is laughing. It's funny (or not funny?) but I wasn't laughing either! Oh! That might be proof that I'm in the Dark Multiverse! Also I've just discovered that M&Ms don't just melt in your mouth!

This story takes place on Earth -52. Unless it's Earth-52? No, I think the Dark Multiverse uses negative numbers. Besides, there isn't an Earth-52 according to the Multiversity Guidebook. Either way, editorial should have realized that the naming convention of using a dash to indicate the number of the Earth would be confusing for negative worlds. Shouldn't it be Earth--52? No wait. That looks like something Howard Mackie would write!

According to what I just learned about the birth of Dark Multiverse Worlds, regular non-dark Batman has contemplated killing The Flash and stealing his powers.

As you can see, Batman has murdered all of Flash's enemies and stolen their weapons. Also he's decided to wear Captain Cold's glasses because they're cool. That pun was seriously unintended. Also, is "pun intended" a pun on "unintended"?

One of the reasons I stopped reading Joshua Williamson's Flash comic book was because he doesn't understand how to write a character with The Flash's ability. Case in point:

This is the kind of portrayal of superspeed that refuse to make excuses for, unlike most comic book fans who will bend over backwards to explain how this happened. I'm not saying I can't think up reasons for how Batman got the jump on The Flash here. I'm saying I refuse to because they're all stupid.

Batman straps The Flash to the hood of his Cosmic Battreadmill and they race off into the Speed Force so Batman can steal it. Apparently the chains holding The Flash to the hood of the Battreadmill are made from Unvibratanium so The Flash can't phase out of them. Dammit! There I go making stupid excuses for Josh's inability to write The Flash! I hate myself.

Batman and The Flash ride into the Speed Force and become one. Exactly like couples on their honeymoons do! I'm assuming. Also I don't know what couples do on their honeymoon. I'm assuming it's either sex or Settlers of Catan.

Now that the prelude is over and we've learned how Batman, The Red Death, came to be (basically he and Flash fucked while time traveling through the Speed Force thus merging themselves into one grotesque Batflash), the story shifts to Gotham City on Earth-Main-Earth (that's the Earth that is the main Earth and not Earth Negative Main Negative Earth!). Joshy Williamson makes sure to throw in a bunch of speech bubbles from the media declaring this the worst moment ever in Gotham City's entire history. That must mean things are really bad because they've been super bad before! Remember Knightfall? And No Man's Land? And every time The Joker reappears? And the Night of the Talons? And last Thursday?

Oh wait. I was wrong. The scene takes place in Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two's Gotham City. I was confused even though I shouldn't have been confused because when I saw the page declaring "Gotham City," my first thought was, "Shouldn't they have said 'Gotham City. Earth-Main-Earth'?" But they didn't because it's Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two. Which, using logic and rationality, I should have realized by my first thought! I wish I were better at logic and rational thinking. Instead I'm only good at hiding M&Ms and screaming at the futility of existence.

Batman, The Red Death, kills all of the Gotham villains but that doesn't help save the world. I think there's a message there about violence! Or maybe not since comic books always solve all of their problems with violence. Anyway, Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two is about to die when Batjoker arrives to offer Batman, The Red Death, a way out. He accepts and they're off on a multiversal road trip to clean up Scott Snyder's poor plot points in his New 52 Batman run.

Earth-Negative-Zero? That doesn't make any sense! EDITORIAL!

Batman, The Red Death, arrives in Central City of Earth-Main-Earth and turns Iris and New 52 Wally West into old people. Barry tries to save them but is kidnapped by Doctor Fate before the big Flash vs. Bad Flash fight takes place. I should thank Doctor Fate because I'm sick of The Flash constantly battling other speedsters. Remember that thing about Joshua not being able to write The Flash? It seems the only way he can think to challenge The Flash is by having him fight other speedsters (who are usually from the future). When two speedsters fight, it isn't as exciting as you'd think. It's basically just like when two drunks begin brawling at a bar. If both combatants are fast, where's the comic book excitement? It just comes down to which one knows the better martial arts.

Batman The Red Death #1 Rating: Five stars! Don't get too excited. That's out of fifty! The Red Death's moral to this story is that one bad day can break a person and thus a world. That's his coffee shop philosophy on the topic of life. We all go about having a great time but then one bad day kicks the shit out of us and we all give up, throw in the towel, and become total monsters. The only problem with having this character espouse this philosophy is that this character — even the Dark Multiverse version — is based on Batman. And Batman is the epitome of showing how one truly terribly horrible bad day doesn't break a person at all. I mean, okay, mentally maybe it does because Batman is clearly insane! But it didn't break him to the point of giving up on the world or becoming a monster. It turned him into a beacon of hope and change and justice! I suppose the point is that Batman hasn't truly experienced a really bad day yet. That day will come when all of his beloved sons, as well as Jason Todd, are killed and/or Batman chooses to shove a bag of M&Ms up his asshole.

The Flash #8

This is how toddlers stand when they're pooping themselves.

I had a dream last night that I was putting together a Peter Sellers/Inspector Clouseau tribute band called Dead Ant. The singer I was trying to lure into the band suggested the name and it was the greatest A-ha! moment I've ever experienced. I hate to include that part because it feels like somebody else came up with the name even though that somebody was created by my brain which thought up the name. Another band somehow associated with the dream was called Mad Mechs.

This issue begins with Barry Allen remembering a conversation he had during lunch with August Heart where August was all, "If I had your speed powers, I'd probably kill the bad guys and get away with it!" This conversation took place after Barry knew August Heart had manifested speed powers. Barry Allen is the worst investigator in the world! Hell, I knew August Heart was the bad guy as soon as I learned his name was August Heart! Also he was introduced as having a huge vengeance boner for the killer of his brother. That's always bad news! But he practically confesses to Barry and Barry is all, "Mmm, this shake sure is thick! So good!"

Now, The Flash is trying to stop Godspeed from killing all of the prisoners in Iron Heights. But The Flash is too slow! Oh no! Drama! The one thing that makes The Flash interesting suddenly has no impact on the story! Now he's got to use his brain to figure out how to stop Godspeed! But how will that work? He can't call for back-up because everybody will be dead before the message even arrives! Maybe he can fire a gun at Godspeed as they're both running and the bullet will be able to overtake Godspeed! Or maybe he can go back in time so that he's waiting for Godspeed at the prison! Or maybe he can yell, "Oh no! I totally tripped! I'm not chasing you any more so you can totally slow down if you want so that you conserve energy!" Oh! I know what I would do! I would definitely use time travel to go back to however long before this moment it takes for Ex-Lax to kick in and stick some in August Heart's lunch! I bet you can't run at top speed while shitting yourself!

Here's Barry's take on the situation: "I can't outrun Godspeed...but I can outsmart him!" Oh, can you? I'd like to see how you do that without pulling the Ex-Lax trick! Maybe he will use the fake tripping scheme I came up with!

Barry outsmarts Godspeed by drafting him to catch up. So dumb! How does drafting work when just running at the speeds they're running they're breaking every single law of physics in the known universe? If I'm to believe that using the Speed Force still creates the same kind of wake behind a runner as a race car then I also have to believe that the atmosphere in front of a speedster isn't able to displace itself fast enough and would build up into incredible pressures causing intense heat which would make every speedster into a fireball racing through the city. But just catching up to Godspeed by drafting him isn't the only trick in Barry's book! The other trick is to scrape his feet along the carpet and build up some static electricity so that when he touches Godspeed's shoulder, both speedsters will short-circuit!

Oh, fuck you. Just run faster.

Remember when The Flash was just about running really fast and wasn't also an analogy on batteries and electrical systems?! Maybe The Flash should change his name to The Human Defibrillator?

Godspeed is aghast that Barry would hurt a friend and Barry figures there isn't enough time right now to bring up all of the "friends" Godspeed has killed in his pursuit of more power. Instead, Barry just watches as Godspeed turns into two separate people because speed force powers weren't already ridiculous enough. I guess if you're fast enough, you can just become two people now! Totally makes sense.

Luckily Wally West shows up. Unluckily, Wally West didn't bring a gun.

It turns out Flash and Kid Flash don't need a gun because they're faster than Godspeed and Kid Godspeed. They run around the Godspeeds really fast until Wally West gets a stupid uniform and the fight is over for some reason. I guess Flash outsmarted me too! What just happened?!

Apparently Wally earned his ugly yellow Flash suit by, um, using the speed force correctly or something. Anyway, Godspeed is sent to Iron Heights where he'll probably never go to trial because the guards at Iron Heights trust that The Flash would only bring them people who were totally guilty of whatever The Flash said they were guilty of.

Barry goes to see August in prison a few days later to hit him with a super shocker: Billy Parks didn't kill August's brother. August--GASP--killed an innocent man in his zealous pursuit of justice! August looks upset for one panel and then just goes back to being fine with everything because he's a supervillain. Also because he can be in two places at once. So while he's in prison, he's probably also out of prison. I know we're supposed to believe that he can't do the two places at once thing for long but he's probably mastered it by now. So his other self has probably taken over the Black Hole Gang and he'll return in another few months to bore the fuck out of me again.

The epitome of shitty cop work: bragging about ignoring the evidence in favor of making assumptions about possible suspects and jumping to unsupported conclusions.

Later, Wally tells Iris that she's his hero because we're all supposed to accept that she's a crazy great investigative journalist who wants to help people by discovering the truth instead of relying on the evidence from past issues that she's really just into selling papers. I mean, that whole time she helped turn the citizens against The Flash with her unsubstantiated stories of rumor and cop gossip? I suppose that was Pre-Rebirth Iris and I should cut her some slack. Maybe she will prove to be a shining beacon on a hill of decaying corpses and dog shit that is journalism today.

The issue ends with Meena running into Flash's training facility and whispering "Thank you" into Barry's ear (and probably blowing out his eardrums too). Barry doesn't catch sight of her but she leaves gouges in the floor and all of that shitty lightning that apparently has to surround speedsters constantly now.

The Ranking!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
4. Suicide Squad (*)
5. The Flash (*)

The Flash is terrible and boring. This was eight issues of The Flash learning a lesson about needing a sidekick. In other words, the first eight issues have been used to integrate Wally West into the world of The Flash because DC Comics decided five years ago that Wally West shouldn't exist and then they rethought that because people got so angry and they reintroduced a new Wally West which didn't make anybody any happier and who never really fit into the Flash's world. So now that this story is over, DC Comics is probably patting themselves on the back and thinking, "Finally! All of the Wally West nonsense is sorted!" Except I guess it isn't because the next issue is about "The Wally of Two Worlds" which will probably be about how Wally West and Wally West need to get to know each other. Hopefully original Wally West will just say, "Do we really need you?" And then new Wally West will pop out of existence. Not that I really care! But DC Comics definitely cares! They just don't know it yet. But pretty soon some higher up who isn't that creative will enter a meeting saying, "What's with the two Wally Wests? Isn't that confusing for fans? Here's an idea that can sort that!" And he'll write "CRISIS ON INFINITE CENTRAL CITIES" on the white board and smile smugly.

The Flash #7

Godspeed is not a clever villain.

The Commentary!
• Recently, policecop August Heart let justice go to his head and he became a vigilante. But then as a vigilante killing criminals who were arrested for the pettiest of crimes so he could take their speed powers, he let the speed force go to his head and he became a supervillain. And now as a supervillain, he needs to kill The Flash since that's what supervillains do. I guess he really isn't into justice any more.

• Now August Heart, aka Godspeed, thinks so much of himself that he's decided to narrate this issue. Shoot, he probably can't be any worse than Roy Harper.

• August Heart is still making excuses for killing a bunch of the newbie speedsters. His excuse is, "I just wanted more power!" Hmm, that's not much of an excuse, right? Barry isn't going to buy that one. He should have said something like, "I slipped in the shower!" That one always works with proctologists. Although it probably only works because they're not really interested in the real reason you got a Zima bottle stuck in your rear end, or why you were drinking Zima in the first place. Oh! A good excuse that usually works for calling in sick to work is that you have diarrhea! Although one time, Doom Bunny's friend Marco tried that excuse and wound up needing a doctor's note so he went to the doctor and told a bunch of lies that made it sound like he was way sicker than faking and so he ended up getting a rectal exam. He still got out of work so it was probably worth it.

• Oh! Speaking of Doom Bunny, he's often posting things that his son says on Facebook that are funny (you know, the way parents do!). But he sent me a text the other day that said this: "[Son's quote] I can't put on FB: "Mama, I don't know why, but my penis is straight out!" I'm sure his wife either said "Go talk to your dad about it" or "I've got a headache."

• Godspeed beats up on Barry by creating two versions of himself. He's that fast! I mean, does speed explain that ability? I know time travel explains it! But it's not like anything can be fast enough to be in two places at once, right? Anyway, he can't do it for too long before he's overcome by tremendous pain. That's when Barry kicks him in the nuts and runs away to come up with a plan.

• Godspeed is faster than the Flash because Godspeed stole a bunch of other speedster's powers. So Barry is going to have to take all the power away from the speedsters left in Central City. They don't want their power anymore anyway. He just needs to figure out how to do it without killing anybody. He and Godspeed did it once, so it can be done without Crisis on Infinite Earthing the other speedsters. But for now, Barry needs to pout because he's not the fastest anymore.

• Godspeed decides he's not a supervillain at all but a superhero. So he goes around stopping crime by grotesquely murdering anybody committing the crime. I guess he forgot about the justice system!

• The Flash discovers Wally has super powers and that Wally needs training. And a terrible yellow suit.

• The Flash and Wally meet with the other speedsters who give up their powers to them. All it took for a person not to die in the exchange was to be willing to give up the power. After they're finished, it's just Godspeed, Wally, and Barry left with the power. That means it's time for the big fight where Godspeed will lose his powers and say something like how he just wanted justice and Barry will say something about vengeance and then everybody will laugh as the credits roll.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

• I got the order of things wrong! Barry's justice versus vengeance comment happened before the big fight. The Flash and Godspeed are headed to Iron Heights to talk. Or to steal Zoom's powers. Or to kiss in the janitor's closet.

• It turns out August Heart just wants to kill everybody in prison. He's not as compassionate as his name would make one think.

The Ranking!
+0! How many times do we have to have the story about whether it's better to kill criminals or to leave them to the justice system? I just watched the first episode of the new season of Arrow and they had that fucking discussion. I'm so fucking sick of it. It's lazy and arrogant and fucked up to kill a criminal. It's also the way most ignorant assholes think. They believe once a criminal, always a criminal. Hell, it seems to be the majority opinion of most Americans. Somebody does something wrong, throw them in a cell and destroy the key. When did we decide the idea of rehabilitation was completely off the table and not even on the floor where it fell but hidden in a locked crate and tucked away in the basement? People aren't inherently good or bad. And often, the current prison and justice system helps to keep people bad instead of giving them any hope that they can turn their lives around after a poor choice or terrible mistake. My mom sent me the series The Night Of (pirated by her off of her DVR, of course!) because she loved it so much. One of my first major reactions while watching it was incredulousness at how they put a person awaiting trial in a serious fucking prison. How the hell does that happen?! Even if the court denies bail, how in the hell do you put a presumed innocent person in a prison surrounded by people who have already been convicted? And, of course, that was a huge part of what the series was about. I still don't want to believe that that actually happens. Does that actually happen?! HOW IN THE FUCK?!

The Flash #6

Oh! How come I've never thought of this before? The amount of power The Flash needs to run up a building would absolutely cause him to crash straight through any window he ran across! And most skyscrapers he runs up are all windows! Man. Now the whole superspeed thing is ruined for me.

The Things!
Remember how The Flash used to battle people who threw boomerangs and shot icicles out of guns? Who was the first writer or editor to sit down to work on The Flash and think, "What the fuck are we doing? How are these villains challenging The Flash?! This is fucking ridiculous!" Then they ruined everything and decided Flash should only battle other speedsters and time travelers. At least every now and then back when The Flash was somehow not dodging every boomerang thrown at his head (I guess because he didn't know how they worked and that they came back around after he dodged them!), a writer would at least try to make things plausible by having him fight a psychic ape.

I wonder if this is the issue where we'll discover that August Heart is really Godspeed? Or will the twist be that that totally comic book twist isn't the actual twist? Because that would be a huge surprise! You know, I'm starting to think this story has gone long enough that Williamson realized everybody was going to guess that August Heart was Godspeed and so now Godspeed might wind up being Meena.

The issue begins with Godspeed fucking with some guy because of justice! Hey! Isn't August Heart obsessed with justice?! I wonder if they could be the same person? Probably not, right?! I mean, sometimes plot points that are way too easy to guess are that way so that people will guess them and then the writer can be all, "A-ha! I knew you'd take the cliché bait, you stupid fuckhole! This other thing is what was really going on all along no matter how it doesn't make as much sense as the cliché thing!"

Barry began this story learning, with help from Iris, that one of his major failings was always taking on too much at one time. He never had time for anything because he tried to make time for everything. Having a city full of speedsters to lighten his load solved that problem. But now Godspeed is killing them all and taking their speed so what does Barry do? He spends all of his time trying to solve the case and tell people their loved ones died and work August's brother's murder case all at once! Didn't he learn anything from Iris's advice?! Not that he should have. It was kind of stupid. But thematically, I guess it's appropriate that he's back to where he began? Because he runs so fast he always winds up standing where he started? Or something?

Barry notices that what happened to Meena seems to be the same thing that happened to him during Crisis on Infinite Earths. But that didn't actually happen. I don't think. Did it? I don't know. Whatever.

Godspeed kills again and Barry still has no idea that it's August. I mean, he doesn't know who it is.

Man, I'm really betting the farm that it's August, aren't I?! Well, even if it turns out that it isn't, I'm going to say that it was in these commentaries so that I don't look like a fool.

Ouch! Show some respect!

Barry needs to find out who Godspeed is so he checks with Iris because she's a journalist. Who better to go to than a journalist if you want to discover the truth? That's a joke! The kid who hands you your tacos in the Taco Bell drive-thru probably knows more than most journalists! Well, maybe they don't. But at least I know that the kid in the drive-thru won't be all wishy-washy about her opinions or worry about what Taco Bell management might think of them or worry that something she says might limit her access to other Taco Bell patrons. Iris really must know something because she's already thought up the headline for the story she has yet to write: "MURDER AT S.T.A.R. LABS. WHO IS GODSPEED?" That, my friends, is a shitty fucking headline.

While Barry is asking Iris for help and sort of groping her ass as she hugs him, Wally walks in on them and flips the fuck out. He goes all rabid teenager on Barry and screams at him to solve the crime already. As if Barry isn't trying to do just that! Can't Wally see that Barry's best lead is to read Iris's headline?! Sheesh. Wally runs off crying to find The Flash since Barry can't be dicked to solve the case in the next ten seconds. Lazy fuck.

One of the reason Barry goes to Iris is because he's read all of the evidence over and over and he's super tired of reading it. So he thinks a new set of eyes will discover something. And he's right! Iris finds the name of one of Godspeed's victims that might be a clue to his identity! Not that the name was hidden! But she discovers the person wasn't registered with STAR Labs as a speedster. When Barry looks at the name, he's all, "OH SHIT! Godspeed is August! And, I mean, how come I didn't react to this name before when I read this evidence the other six or seven times I said I read it? Maybe I should really read shit instead of telling people I've already read it. Fucking Wally was right. I'm totally not doing my best to solve this case!" Actually, Barry just looks shocked when he reads the name and says, "...oh no." But that's practically what I said previously.

So Barry catches up with August and is all, "Now I know why you couldn't come up with a code name! It was right there in my stupid CSI face all along! You do have a code name! It's Godspeed! You're Godspeed! I cracked the case!" And August is all, "Let's race!"

No wait. They don't race for some reason I don't understand. That's always the first thing competing speedsters do! They have to wave their big fast dicks at each other to see whose is quicker. Oh wait! They may not race but Godspeed definitely does pull his dick out.

Oh! I'm glad I mentioned that bit about Iris's advice earlier because this revelation sticks to the theme!

Ranking!
0. Usually when I guess something in Issue #1 that won't be revealed until Issue #6, I crow about being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. But the only people who didn't instantly know August Heart was the bad guy on page one of the first issue should simply be embarrassed. I'm still sort of hoping that next issue will reveal that Meena is actually behind it all somehow because this revelation was just pathetic.

The Flash #3

I don't run as it is. I imagine if I got superspeed, I'd just fucking waste it.

The Commentary!
Anybody who chooses "superspeed" as their super power when asked which super power they'd like to have is probably one of those people who complain how busy they always are and also an asshole. It may make The Flash the most powerful superhero in the DC Universe but what the fuck good is it, really? As it stands, I have the ability to run and sprint. But do I put out the effort when doing my shopping? Fuck no! Would I use it so that I could leave at the last second when I have somewhere to be? No fucking way! Even with superspeed, running would mean exerting effort! I'd rather take my time getting wherever I need to be or just be fucking late. I simply couldn't be bothered with superspeed. I'd never use it! Off the top of my head, the only thing I could see it being useful for is when you need to pee while at the movies. And unless you also pee at superspeed, it isn't really going to help out much there either. And if you pee at superspeed, are you going to have to pay for the cracked and broken porcelain from your powerful jet stream of urine?! Superspeed would be the worst.

Although maybe the time travel component would be fun! Although going back in time to slap your younger self in the face just before they did something stupid would probably get old quick. I'm not my own parent! I'm not responsible for that idiot kid back then! If he wants to ride his banana-seated bike off of the four foot high balcony at the Triton Art Museum and rack his fucking nuts on the frame, what do I care? I have to live with that memory, he can too, the stupid bastard. Maybe I'd go back in time to have sex with my grandmother simply so I could be my own grandfather. That would be cool.

The issue begins with The Flash telling me some shit about his life, as if I were sitting there having a beer with him.

That's some heavy shit to lay on a one year old! "Barry! Barry! Barry! Listen to me! Barry! Do not run into traffic! Barry! He's not listening, Henry! He never listens!" "He can't fucking talk, Nora. Give him a Cheerio."

Barry begins the book with that nonsense so he can follow that up with how he runs in traffic on a daily basis now. I'm trying to think if there's a word for that in writing but all I can come up with is "hacky." Not because it doesn't work to say one thing to point out how that thing is now totally not the thing. But it should probably be done in a believable way and not in this kind of "I was one year old and knew not to run in traffic but now at thirty I do it every day! So silly!"

At the end of the last issue, a "speed force storm" hit Central City and now a whole bunch of people have the same powers as The Flash. And a bunch of them have decided to use the power to rob people. I guess I didn't think of that advantage when I was admonishing people for wanting superspeed. I'm not a dick so I wasn't thinking, "I can steal shit from other people! And do other unsavory things to them and their belongings without them knowing it was me!" I was thinking more like filing quickly or washing dishes fast!

Barry and August are running around catching kids committing crime. Barry is overly concerned with how much August is enjoying busting punks. What I'm learning in this series is that Barry Allen is a fucking control freak. No wonder he's always screwing up the DC Universe in his attempt to make it exactly how he thinks it should be. He needs to learn to let go! Relax and sink into the meaningless of life, Barry! Chill with the rest of us in the abyss! Nothing matters so why bother forcing it to not matter in the way you think it should not matter! You're just worrying over nothing.

Barry and August discover STAR Labs is running a preschool for new Flashes. Flashes are learning to vibrate through walls. They're learning to make tornadoes. They're learning to run fast (but not as fast as The Flash! That would be silly!). They're also probably being forced to sign a register so that Men in Black can come creepily knocking on their kitchen doors when a speed crime is committed. It's total government interference bullshit and they shouldn't stand for it! Fuck the fucking government! What have they ever done for us?! And don't try to list all the things they have done for us because I'll just say, "Pshaw!", and wave your intrusive facts back into the ether where you probably made them up!

If I were The Flash, I would start investigating STAR Labs as the cause of the Speed Force Storm. Forget the Black Holes! Did they have a website and training facility ready less than 24 hours after the storm? They certainly did not! How would STAR Labs have been so prepared for this eventuality unless they knew it was coming? Or caused it by playing scientist! That's better than playing God because you actually use science to get results instead of your imagination or magic spells.

The person in charge of STAR Labs Flash Fit Fitness Center is Dr. Meena Dhawan. She's, of course, a genius. No wait! Excuse me! She's an über genius! I guess in a universe where every single character is a genius, you have to start modifying the word "genius" to make new geniuses stand out. Dr. Dhawan has also been granted speed force powers. I guess that's how she built the Fitness Center? And the web page? And set up the hotline? Bah! She's just the kind of asshole I was talking about when I started! She gets speed powers and now she has to do everything at top speed. Fucking show-off.

Meanwhile, Iris continues to investigate the Black Hole.

And by "people," she means "that barn owl Lois Lane's smug face rubbed in Iris's future Pulitzer!"

Wally uses his speed force powers to steal files from the police to help Iris with her story. Iris doesn't get upset because stolen files can just be referred to as "confidential sources."

Barry's boring adventure tracking down speed freaks and teaching them how to control their powers continues. He's so excited about being a speed mentor that he even decides to help out the kids who were committing non-violent crimes earlier that day. But when he gets to Iron Heights, he finds the kids dead and August beat up pretty badly. August reports that a person named Godspeed vibrated into the cell and used the speed force to kill the kids! Oh no! I wonder who Godspeed is! It couldn't be August Heart using bad cop tactics to try to get vengeance for his brother who was killed by The Black Hole years earlier! He doesn't even have a heroic nickname yet! Unless, you know, he finally chose Godspeed!

You know, I hate to even suggest that somebody with a heroic name like August Heart would turn out to be the new villain but this is comic books and there's a reason tropes exist! Because they're easy to write!

On a final note, I wonder how many times Josh Williamson jerked off after thinking up the name Godspeed?

The Review
The Flash is quickly on its way to being the first Rebirth comic book that I don't care about. It's running headlong into Borethefuckouttameville. It can't seem to stop not entertaining me. I've run out of things to say because I'm ready to move along to another comic book!

The Flash #2

Is The Flash going to break continuity again?

The Review!
This issue posits the question: if a fight between two speedsters is super boring because it's just like a fight between two people who move at normal speed, how boring will it be if everybody in Central City can move at super speed?! My guess is super-duper boring! But since that question is actually the surprise twist ending, we'll have to wait until next issue to find out just how boring a city full of speedsters winds up being. Also you probably shouldn't be reading my reviews if you're worried about spoilers. These reviews (and the subsequent commentary) are meant to entertain people who have already read the issue. It's for people who just put down their DC Comics book and wondered why they don't have an easy means to end their life so decide to go online to see if anybody else thought the comic book they just read was also tremendously shitty. Not that this book is tremendously shitty! It's actually written pretty well. It's just that I've learned that maybe The Flash comic book isn't for me. I like the idea of The Flash but if the only way to make his way too overpowered powers interesting is to give his enemies the same powers, it's fucking boring. Or what about the other way to go with The Flash: time travel! I usually like time travel stories but only when the writer puts some thought into them and has an interesting point to make or some surprise twist at the end. But comic book time travel is the fucking worst. Person A from the future comes back in time to make sure Person B in the past is stopped before becoming super powerful in the future. Or some slight variation of that. Sometimes the time traveler is in the present and goes back to the future to change time so the present is better. How about letting The Flash be super awesome at saving Central City because he's unstoppable but maybe give him problems at work. Or maybe give him syphilis and, due to his metabolism, he goes crazy before he can even diagnose himself or get the cure! How about a story where he seriously burns the roof of his mouth because he ate the really hot pizza too quickly? Anything but more "The Flash battles other speedsters" crap.

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with some jerk named August indiscriminately being given super speed powers. It's not fair. I've gone down to the driving range in every storm over the last five years and I have yet to be struck by lightning. I've been hit by plenty of golf balls though. I suppose I don't have to stand in the middle of a driving range to be struck by lightning while twirling around holding a couple of five irons in the air.

August had to be struck by lightning or else he would have been struck by a bullet. And since the name of the issue was "Deus Ex Machina", it would have seemed an inappropriate title if he were killed instead of saved miraculously. I probably would have been pretty angry about it for a few minutes before moving on to the next comic book and some fresh outrage. There's nothing worse than stale outrage! It's weird how it constantly needs to be refreshed for me to feel anything at all!

Oh god! Holy shit! More blasphemies and exclamations! I just realized that Detective August's last name is Heart! August Heart! You can't make this shit up! Except it is made up. And every time anything happens in which somebody feels the need to exclaim "You can't make this up!" or "You can't write this kind of thing!", I feel the need to point out that yes, you can make that shit up. That's exactly the kind of shit that gets made up all of the time. And the bit of reality you just proclaimed made reality so much better than fiction? Probably already a plot point in about five thousand pieces you've never read.

Anyway, I don't think I was done marveling at Williamson's ability to come up with the cheesiest fucking name I've ever read. Just say it out loud a few times. Whew. That's good cheese!

"August Heart" also sounds like a good name for a female masturbation novel.

Dude! You have to learn how to walk before you can run! And you have to learn how to run before you can generate mini-vortexes with your arms!

The Flash has decided that since August doesn't want medical attention for being struck by lightning that he'll just train him to become his sidekick. That seems like a reasonably thought out option. The Flash begins by teaching August the basics: arm vortexes, tornado creation, phasing through walls. It's only after August shows his reticence to try any of the advanced Flash tricks that The Flash actually thinks about training August to simply run super quickly.

August guesses that The Flash is actually Barry Allen because in this version of Barry's origin story, August Heart was right there in the room! But it's okay if August knows Barry's secret identity because how could a guy named August Heart ever betray a friend?!

While Barry gets his panties moist showing off all of his speed powers to a possible sidekick, Wally West is practicing his speed powers on his own. It's going to get really confusing having two Wally Wests in the DC Universe. I need to think up a cool nickname for one of them! How about Wally West and Nerdy Ginger Freckle Boy? That's enduring and not at all offensive, right? Like calling a red haired person "Red" because why bother learning their name when you can just give them the same nickname every other redheaded person has been given by unimaginative morons? Maybe I'll just call them both Wally and not give a shit about who gets confused.

Iris is busy investigating the break-ins at STAR Labs by a group hilariously called The Black Hole. That's slang for an anal sphincter!

What Iris means by "attention he deserved" is "be exploited by a newspaper in the hopes of getting more subscriptions so that the paper can charge more to advertisers and maybe Iris will get some sorely needed name recognition as a print journalist!"

Iris learns about an ex-STAR Labs scientist who is now disgruntled! He's experimenting with the kind of science that makes people scream about scientists playing God which is weird because when has God ever worried about science? He's all, "You want a monkey! Poof! There's a fucking monkey! Evolution my black hole!" God is the worst at science. If I had my druthers, I'd accuse people of being bad at science at playing God!

August and Barry have lunch to discuss super-speed tactics.

August: "I don't need science! I can just punch people super fast!"
Barry: "Now hold up a second there, God! Have you ever considered the force you would create with a super-speed punch? You've got to calculate those things perfectly or your fist will go right through a skull!"
August: "Wow! My algebra teacher was right! I would need to know algebra to be a cop!"
Barry: "Oh, August, you silly goose! Algebra is the least of your math and science worries now! You're in science fiction bullshit territory now!"
August: "Well, whatever. At least we don't have to worry about due process anymore! Super powers are awesome!"

Oh Barry! Batman would be so disappointed in you.

Now Barry has to worry about somebody not using the Speed Force powers in exactly the way he thinks they should be used! Drama! Tension! Control issues! Barry is all, "We can't abuse these powers by doing passionate things to make your life better that I disagree with because they're not making my life better!" And August is all, "I'm now going to say the exactly perfect thing to make you shut up: what about your mom?!" And Barry is all, "Noooooooooo!"

Iris calls Barry and August and is conveniently kidnapped by The Black Hole during the phone conversation. Stupid kidnappers! You never kidnap somebody while they're in the middle of a cell phone call! Amateurs! Now Barry and August have a jump on saving Iris. I bet Barry is all, "Let's go save her!" And August will be all, "What do I care about a stupid reporter? Due process, remember!"

Iris manages to save herself because the kidnappers were even more amateurish than I first realized. Although her solution is to jump out of a moving van into traffic so luckily The Flash just happens to be passing by to catch her. I hope she doesn't put all of the variables together like a real journalist could and realize the only person who could have known she was being kidnapped was August Heart! And I guess Barry but that's too on the nose for a reporter of her skill level.

The Black Hole manage to shoot The Flash with their new technology which is the same old new technology that is always being developed by some alien race or mad scientist. It's that whole weapon that steals powers thing and it's become a total crutch in superhero comic books. And it rarely matters how a character's powers differ from other characters because the weapon always works on anybody with superpowers. And since it's technology and I'm an idiot, I can't come up with any logical reason for a weapon like that to not exist or explain how it totally couldn't work at all! I suppose I also can't think of any arguments like that because the weapons are never explained in enough detail to develop a counterargument. They just absorb powers. Duh!

And then Speed Force lightning strikes nearly everybody in Central City. That's going to confuse the fuck out of tourists.

The Flash #1

Is Barry outrunning death again already?

The Review!
This issue is called "Deus Ex Machina" because the story it tells right up until page seventeen follows a fairly standard and predictable plot. The foreshadowing is less like a shadow and more like a spotlight. But then all of that story is thrown away so that The Flash doesn't learn the lesson he almost learned when the deus ex machina blasts down from the sky and saves the day. In a way, it's like seventeen pages that didn't need to happen! What happens on page eighteen could have happened on page four, really. I suppose the supporting cast of this comic book had to be introduced. That's what all the middle pages were really about. Williamson does to himself this issue what he did to Ron Marz on Voodoo! He took the narrative, set it on fire, pissed on the ashes, and started an entirely new narrative! Is that his go-to move? I suppose it works fair enough here although I'm a bit concerned about more Flash stories featuring multiple speedsters. Have we not had enough of that yet? I just hope time travel doesn't get wedged in here as well.

The Commentary!
This story arc is called "Lightning Strikes Twice" which isn't any kind of pun as far as I can tell. This actual issue is called "Deus Ex Machina" which might be a pun if I knew how to pronounce it. Maybe it's a play on "Day of Sex Mocking, Eh"? Is that a thing? Maybe a holiday in Canada?

The story begins several years ago when Barry was struck by lightning and doused in CSI chemicals. That's probably because DC's editors demanded Williamson remind the readers how Barry Allen became The Flash. You don't want all the speculators confused when they pick up this comic book simply because it has a #1 on the cover. Although do speculators actually read the comic books they buy? Also do people still purchase comic books as an investment? If so, I have a suggestion! Pick up any independent book written or drawn by somebody whose last name ends in "-man". It totally pays off! Or it has at least twice with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Walking Dead. And two is a pattern! Unless two is just a coincidence.

Now that Flash has been Rebirthed, he can't stop explicating his life through constant narration. Hopefully that'll clear up when he has supporting characters to speak with. August, who was there when Barry was struck by lightning, is one of the first supporting characters to help stem the narration box flood. He must be important since he was added to Barry's origin. He'll probably be the person who the lightning decides to strike twice on Day of Mocking Sex, Eh?

Not An Intern Anymore Kristen is another character being introduced to Barry's work team. She'll probably be important because somebody has to be put in the fridge to get Barry's emotions going.

After checking out the crime scene for about two minutes (just enough time to introduce his coworkers), Barry remembers he needs to introduce Iris and Wally to all of the new readers too!

"Oh Barry! You do things differently than I think you should! So wrong!"

Iris's advice just happens to be pertinent to Barry's life about ten seconds into the future. Two catastrophes take place at once in Central City and instead of being "Oh! This is just like that thing Iris said that I agreed with! I should concentrate on doing my best in one situation and letting other professionals handle the reast!" he's all, "I'll save all of the days!" One of the days that needs to be saved is August's and his STAR Lab transport he's supposed to be protecting. Some gang wearing the same symbol as a symbol that was linked to August's brother's murder years ago are trying to rob STAR Labs. So I may have been wrong about which person was going to wind up in the fridge. I just assumed it would be the female character because that's such a tradition. But it looks like it might be August so that Barry can kick himself for, once again, spreading himself too thin.

Barry runs to the fire first because it's closer because that will give August time to get into a situation where he'll die, probably right when Flash arrives so he can witness it and feel terrible pain from refrigeration.

Whoops!

August isn't killed by the bullet which is okay even though that was my prediction. It was a good prediction and it followed logically based on how stories are always told the same way. But what actually happens was my first prediction so it's okay that my second prediction was wrong because my second prediction doesn't really exist in a world where my first prediction is correct. Understand? So instead of being killed, August is struck by lightning. And since August didn't wind up in the fridge, Kristen should be shitting herself.

So now August is a speedster too! And the copy at the end of the issue says that the storm is just getting started. I bet Kristen is relieved to read that! She'll probably be struck next issue!

Flash Rebirth #1

Some jerko scribbled on my copy!

The Review!
This is the section where I sum up my thoughts on the book after reading it. The next section is the one where I catalog my thoughts as I read the comic book. Usually I don't have many thoughts about a book after I read it which is why I'm writing this nonsense about how this page is organized. This is the least fun section to write because I don't actually want to think about the media I've consumed. I just want to react to it in a childishly petulant way. Is that redundant? Who cares because it gets across that I'm childish. I'm like a child. I want what I want and I don't want to have to think long or work hard. What I want to do is giggle about how I just used the words "long" and "hard". I suppose I should work harder at being insightful since people like to read smart things that make them think, "I'm smart because I just read a smart thing!" Of course, maybe the people looking to read comic book reviews aren't that pretentious? Maybe what I have to say is exactly what they're looking for! Because sometimes people like to read things that make them think, "This person is a complete moron and I am so much smarter than this stupid person on the internet with their stupid opinions that are so much worse than mine!" So maybe being insightful is a negative thing! I should just remain superficial and glib! I should also, at the veryiest least, have some kind of opinion on The Flash Rebirth #1 for my review. So here it is: this was written by the same guy who took over Voodoo after Ron Marz couldn't make it interesting. I don't remember him making it any more interesting than Ron Marz made it. But he did manage to blow up everything Marz had been creating by killing most of Marz's characters and explaining away Voodoo's complete change of character by making two Voodoos! So if you're that one guy from way back who once commented on my blog that Voodoo was the only New 52 book worth reading, maybe you'll love this book! Although I don't think that guy liked the book for the writing, if you get my meaning. My meaning is that he liked Voodoo's boobies.

The Commentary!
Flash must really be enjoying this Rebirth thing. For once, he's not the cause of the total restructuring of the DC Universe! I don't know that he was the cause in Final Crisis either since I never read that. I think maybe Superboy may have fucked up that universe. Fitting that he did it by punching it, right? With all the punching to solve problems in DC, I'm surprised there isn't more domestic violence. Maybe that's why nobody has been allowed to get married! They all need to take anger management courses before they can think seriously about beginning an intimate relationship with somebody.

Joshua "Voodoo Road Trip To Europa" Williamson begins this issue by trying to pull the pants down around the reader's eyes. But I totally saw through his ploy because I don't often wear my pants over my head. And when I say "pants", I mean the British version of the word which means "underwear". Did you know they also call an elevator a "lift" and a flashlight a "torch" and a vagina a "fanny" and a penis a "knob" and the tip of a penis a "bellend" and a berk is a "cunt" but that's due to Cockney rhyming slang so I don't think it counts quite as much as the others. What I'm trying to say is that when some ignorant American says to somebody, "Speak American!", I don't think he needs to be corrected because we should all face the facts that British English and American English are often distinguished as two different types of English and can't you just shorten "American English" to "American"? I would say you can except I don't want to take away the joy of sneering at an ignorant fool who can only speak one language mouthing off to somebody speaking a language other than English while in America because it's one of life's greatest pleasures. To look down the nose at somebody in a righteous and better-than-thou manner is one of the few times we can feel better than anybody else in this modern world! At least one of the few times you won't get your life ruined by a Twitter Mob for doing it, anyway.

Although I guess you can join a Twitter Mob if you want to angrily look down your nose at somebody!

Oh, so the trick Joshua plays is that he presents a scene that looks like the crime scene of Nora Allen's homicide but it's really somebody else's crime scene that's a lot like it. But this one gets to be investigated by Barry Allen so it won't get all mucked up this time around! Singh is worried Barry is going to get too involved in this case so he kicks him off of it. But Barry is all, "Nope, I'm not kicked off at all, Director. I'm totally still on the case!" And so Director Singh is all, "Okay, okay. You're still on the case. But don't get crazy or you're off of it!" Then Barry hallucinates Zoom and acts like a whatever is the non-offensive replacement for mental case. Director Singh is all, "See?! See?! You're off the case!" And Barry is all, "Nope! I'm not! See you later!" That Director Singh has problems being taken seriously. That's probably because he's dating a guy who goes by the name of The Pied Piper.

Pretty soon, the Rebirth moment with Wally is repeated making it a Re-Rebirth remembrance.

You are! By the readers themselves! I mean, by the Watchmen! Because if you actually feel the readers watching you being the cause of all of these problems, it's too much for me! I'm out! I don't read DC Comics to get a meta-textual boner going!

The Flash "runs" off to talk to Batman about this whole time rearrangement thing. I guess I didn't have to put quotes around "runs" because that's what he actually did. I would never have said, "Superman 'flies' off to ask Batman to solve all of his problems for him." But then Superman's life isn't 95% pun.

Batman is busy analyzing The Comedian's smiley face button with the daub of blood across it. He hasn't figured anything out yet because he apparently hasn't read Watchmen. Who hasn't read Watchmen?! Just because it was published in a different universe is no excuse, especially for Batman. Batman and The Flash conclude that everything is inconclusive and there isn't any evidence aside from some weird radiation on the button but Barry decides to jump to a gut conclusion about this being personal anyway. And why not? His life was directly affected by whatever the bad guys did to the timeline, right? And by "bad guys", I mean "editors at DC being represented by the Watchmen." This shit is about to get silly.

The issue ends with the cops at the original crime scene pointing out that Barry sometimes makes mistakes. Like how he screws up the universe on a near constant basis, amirite?! Can I get a high-five?!

We Are Robin #7

This was bound to happen, war or no war.

Does Jason Todd always have to fight with a gun in his hand? He's battling Tim Drake, for Christ's sake! It's not like he's really going to shoot him! I know this is a cover so I shouldn't be taking it so literally. Notice how I'm not complaining about all of the giant Court of Owls masks crashing down around them? That's actually a bigger problem than Jason Todd's fingers glued to the trigger.

Gordon and Grayson's Batman and Robin adventure begins this issue and it begins with Dick almost falling off of a building and Gordon saving him. Obviously Dick was just testing Gordon to see what he's capable of because the last thing Grayson needs to worry about is falling to his death. As a comic book fan, I have to believe that or else I'd be screaming "How can Lee Bermejo write Dick Grayson so poorly?! Jim Gordon has been climbing buildings for six months while Dick has been doing it his whole life and Lee thinks Gordon would be the one to save Dick from falling?! Bullshit! What a travesty! It's the worst thing to be written into canon since everything else I disagreed with which was most of it!" But I don't want to be one of those comic book fans with my beard full of spittle and rage! I'm a thoughtful comic book fan who remembers that Dick Grayson was shown manipulating everybody since this Robin War began so he's obviously doing it again here. If Gordon believes he's the most capable member of this duo, he'll be more apt to open up to Dick and consider Dick's position on the Robin War.

See? Let Gordon bring himself around to Dick's side.

Modern comic books--like The Graysons!--are constantly walking a tightrope of believability. Back when Robin was first introduced to fight alongside Batman, nobody was concerned about the real-life ramifications of a grown man putting a young boy in danger. As comics grew up, writers and editors began thinking what readers really wanted was real world consequences for actions that had always simply been accepted as okay in the fantastic world of comic books. I'd rather not worry about things like property damage and xenophobic fears and child endangerment laws (aside from making snide comments about them!). I don't mind if the characters need to deal with real life matters, to a limited extent of course! I think this moment between Jim and Dick is a nice modern middle ground. The child endangerment aspect is briefly mentioned while also presenting some real world experiences in argument for teenagers fighting crime. In fact, the entire We Are Robin premise actually makes the idea of Robin more palatable and understandable. A grown man enlisting a young boy to swing around the city while fighting dangerous criminals is patently absurd. But a youth movement where a bunch of teenagers simply want to protect their city and make it better? Way more acceptable. And this Robin War is the period of time where Jim Gordon must come to terms with such a crazy thing happening in his city, hopefully coming to a point where we can all agree to stop worrying about the real-life implications of this kind of movement and settle down comfortably into the fictional world of comic books.

I meant it's easier to accept hundreds over one to the modern reader! Obviously the characters living the story would rather only have to deal with one stupid Robin.

While snooping around Councilwoman Noctua's apartment, Dick Grayson finally realizes the Court of Owls is probably behind the Robin War. He rushes off to fall into their trap while Commissioner Batman heads back to check on his captured Robins.

Back at the police jail cell, the Owls have decided to pit Red Robin against Red Hood in a battle to the death to determine which one will be the next Gray Son of Gotham. Even if one of them does kill the other, all it will determine is which one will be the next one to refuse to be their dumb Talon. Although they probably really don't care if Tim and Jason kill each other. The Owls said they were fishing before starting the battle and they're probably trying to catch Moby Dick.

Todd and Drake get some of their frustrations out on each other long enough for Damian Wayne to understand their plan.

Editorial must have put the kibosh on Damian saying, "They're pulling a Dick!"

As Tim Drake flies higher and higher amid the hanging cages, Jason Todd yells, "Alexandre Dumas, eat your heart out!" I don't know why he yells it. Maybe there's a scene in The Three Musketeers that's just like this? I wouldn't know because I've never read the book. But I did once play and review the computer game!

Tim Drake makes it to the top of the Birdcage where there's one of those huge levers that shuts down the bad thing in one pull. Convenient! It's probably some kind of Evil Villain Union Rule that every dastardly device must have an easy means to defeat it built in. Once Tim pulls the lever, the cages all open and the Robins are free! Although this might be where the saying "Out of the frying pan and into the claws of an immortal murderous monster" came from.

Stop squawking! Those were the easy guys! There's a Talon around there somewhere, you idiots!

Apparently the Talons are perched on the roof waiting to feast on the escaping Robins streaming from the exit. But their deaths will have to wait until Robin: Son of Batman #7. That's how DC decided to punctuate the title of that book in the closing blurb of this issue! With a colon! I think it's more of a Robin, Son of Batman comma kind of title! But what do I know? Seriously. When it comes to grammar and punctuation, what do I fucking know?! Precious little, really.

We Are Robin #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. When I first heard about this book, I was excited that it was going to be a book about all of the Robins adventuring together. Obviously I was wrong about that. I still think a book where the Robins go on adventures together would be a lot of fun and this issue shows why. I've never been a huge fan of Tim Drake and Jason Todd but stories like this are at least pushing me in that direction. Of course I need a lot more of these stories to counteract all of the damage Scott Lobdell did to my idea of Jason Todd and Tim Drake over the last four years. Damian makes for the perfect little brother without edging into Scrappy Doo, Danny Chase, or Cousin Oliver territory. He might put them down as lackluster Robins any chance he gets but when the shit goes down, he's their biggest fucking cheerleader. And, of course, Damian completely looks up to and respects Dick Grayson, as do they all in varying amounts. When Batman speaks of a Batfamily, it always rings hollow because he's such a dour downer buzzkill. But when the Robins get together, it totally makes sense. More of this kind of shit please.