Martian Manhunter #11

Mister Biscuits dies of diabetes.

The Review or Whatever!
This comic book is as confusing as The Sheriff of Babylon but I don't feel it's confusing because it's smarter than I am. I think this book is confusing because Martian Manhunter is too many people and there are too many characters and too many planets and too much time has passed since I read the last issue! That last part isn't Rob Williams' fault. It's the fault of my comic book company for not putting this issue in my subscription box. I think they secretly hate me!

I actually think everybody secretly hates me. And by that, I mean I know that everybody secretly hates me. Jerks.

This issue is called "Loving the Alien" because...oh hell. How should I know? I lost interest in this book back when everybody time traveled and Alicia became an adult and ancient Mars was now current Mars and the evil alien with all the apostrophes in his name returned! I thought maybe the inclusion of Etrigan and Constantine might get me back into it but their scene wasn't one I'll remember on my death bed as I look back and regret all of the time I wasted reading comic books. If I did remember it, I'd regret it! But I don't think it'll still be in my memory next week. Unless I've now cemented it into my memory banks by devoting this many sentences to describing how it wasn't memorable at all!

I guess the Martian Manhunters are getting closer to saving the Earth and the residents of Mars-That-Was. So that's what this issue was about. J'onn is closer to saving the world than he was at the end of Issue #10. But Mister Biscuits did indeed die from too many cookies falling out of his bag when he was stabbed through the heart.

Earth Too: Society #13



The abyss was in a hope chest?

The Review or Whatever!
Once Convergence ended, the people of Earth-2 found themselves on a useless, manufactured planet. So Green Lantern turned it into a somewhat livable planet with which nobody was really happy. A bunch of people wanted to terraform the planet to their particular expectations using a magic cube full of blueprints to recreate Earth-2-That-Was but a bunch of other people thought that was a bad idea for some reason. So there was a big battle and, in the end, everybody was left with Green Lantern's not-so-spectacular version of Earth-2-That-Was.

Being that Earth-Too didn't have any money-making opportunities, everybody began to quibble over the fossil fuel resources that Green Lantern couldn't fake up along with all the other shit he somehow faked up for the world. This led to more global strife which kept Tornado Lane from finishing her draft of a world constitution. I think she only got as far as writing "In God We Trust" and then crossing that out because it's a shitty way to start a constitution. Anyway, shit happened and things were resolved and Green Lantern gave up his ring for the good of everybody.

Now this thing called the Pandora Vessel has cropped up which has the capacity to terraform Earth-Too back into Earth-2! And so we're going back to that story! The only difference is that this time Ultra-Humanite is trying to stop them so that he can use the Pandora Vessel as he sees fit instead of Godlike Jimmy Olsen trying to steal the Terraforming MacGuffin to use as he saw fit. It's a totally different story and not boring me to tears at all! Except that it isn't and it is! So why I said it the other way first, I don't know! Except that I do know but it's not something I want to admit! I'm a bad writer!

The Sheriff of Babylon #8

Still not one of my cover blurbs, dammit!

The Review and The Part Where I Probably Bitch About the Cover Blurb!
I can't help but feel like I'm being slighted here, Tom King. The Court of Nerds gets a blurb? Who the hell are the Court of Nerds?! A mysterious organization of men and women in Weird Al Yankovic masks pulling the strings of the city's leaders? And what makes them think they're going to talk to all seven billion people minus about thirty thousand who aren't reading this comic book?! Even I know that's a preposterous notion and I'm an idiot! It's possible the Court of Nerds just meant "if you're into comic books and love great comic books and aren't reading this comic book, I don't actually want to speak with you because I'm anxious and awkward around other people but I'm prepping up some serious side-eye if I ever leave the house and run into you!" I guess that's too long for a cover blurb. Maybe that's why I haven't gotten one of my blurbs on the cover yet! Mine are all too lengthy and probably also too smart! I need to dumb them down and shorten them up! Here are a few more, Tom King:

"This comic left me blurbless! -- Grunion Guy!"
"A+++∞! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Tom King's sexual stamina is amazing! -- Grunion Guy!"
"I think Gerads forgot an "r" in his name! -- Grunion Guy!"
"When is Baby Lon going to be introduced in this book? I'm on the edge of my seat! Oh man! I hope he wasn't the miscarriage! NOOOOOOO! -- Grunion Guy!"
"What's going on in this book? It's way too smart for me! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Remember when that guy shit his pants?! So funny! Was it meant to be funny? Well, I laughed! -- Grunion Guy!"
"If you are not reading this book, you probably aren't reading this blurb either! -- Grunion Guy!"
"I don't really care about this comic book, I just want to increase my Q Score! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Sometimes there's a cat in it! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Did I just pull a pube out of my mouth? Ew! Where did that come from?! -- Grun...er, Cullen Bunn!
That's probably enough! I'm sure one of those will make the cover of Issue #12! Thanks in advance, Tom King!

This issue keeps me just as confused as ever which must mean the story is really smart and I should actually be pretending to understand it so that I don't look stupid! But I found the panel that helps me put all the pieces together and opens the way to understanding the theme!

I knew it! Carpets! It's all about the carpets!

Well, maybe it's not all about carpets! Some of it is about the symbols of a bombed out empty swimming pool which also becomes a grave and dumping ground of blasphemous icons stolen by cats! But you have to know a lot more about Islam than I pretend not to know to really understand it all! Also, pretending to pretend not to know makes me look like I actually know things that I don't actually know! That way I can still appear smart by mentioning the cat but not really explaining anything about it! Except maybe I'm also pretending about all of that too! Maybe I really am just smart! Or dumb? I forget where I was in my intelligence inception!

Anyway, if you want to appear smart to other comic book nerds, you should be reading and raving about this comic book! But don't talk about it too much or you might reveal how stupid you are because this book is way smarter than all of us! Just say things like "The universal bridge of truth leads to the first step of this comic book!" or "If you aren't reading this comic book, we need to talk because I know we won't be talking about this comic book which is so far over my head that I don't want to expose my ignorance of everything that isn't Pokemon or Avengers!"

Superman #2

In this issue: Superman versus clouds.

The Review!
Don't think I'm going to easily forget that Pete and Pat killed Goldie the Cat last issue to manipulate the feelings of the readers! Goldie's death should be about Goldie and not about how Jon reacts to having killed Goldie! Godlie's death should not be a footnote in Jon's life! She was a person! Well, a cat! But that probably makes it even worse because cats are cute and adorable! I can't wait until my new website, Kittens in Refrigerators, is up and running so I can really lay into Peter J. Tomasi! What a jerk! By the way, this issue was as good as it could possibly be after having the entire series be ruined by the Goldie's death scene! So, you know, it was enjoyable! But I still hate you, Tomasi and Gleason! With burning rage! I will probably write a poem about it later!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Superman and his son, Jon, flying out to help an Icebreaker caught in the ice. Well, well! You thought you had the perfect name for your ship, didn't you, Mister I Built The Icebreaker Ship! Now who has egg on their face? You! Not you the reader! You the person or people responsible for the Icebreaker! It was probably a whole team of scientists and engineers and warmongers who came up with the idea after the Titanic hit some ice and sank. I wonder if the hulls of Icebreaker ships are made out of teeth because my teeth can break ice like a champ!

It turns out the ship needing rescue is a submarine that broke through the ice and became damaged and the Icebreaker just sent out the distress call so I guess the egg is on somebody else's face now! I won't mention whose though because I wouldn't want to embarrass me. Although it's also possible that Tomasi, being a huge cat-killing jerk, thought Icebreakers were submarines and completely screwed up this entire story right from the start! I bet that's what happened because I like to believe that pet murdering jerks make stupid mistakes!

While Superman gloats about his victory to the crew of the submarine, a giant squid attacks! It must be after the uranium fuel! Jon watches off in the distance afraid that if he uses his heat vision to help, he'll kill all of the cats in the world.

The Squid is being controlled by some robotic attachment which makes sense because I didn't really think a giant squid was hungry for uranium. Although how do they get so big if it's not by eating uranium, hunh? Answer that! Not so stupid a thought now, is it?

But what about all of the cats ever?!

Superman teaches Jon how to concentrate his heat vision into a fine laser so that next time he has to save a cat from a tree, he doesn't burn down the forest and all of the cats too.

I don't think I've expressed my anger at Goldie's death enough yet! So here's another fuck you, Tomasi!

Oh, and by learning to use his heat vision, Jon destroys the technology controlling the squid and saves the day without killing any innocent creatures.

Superman gives Jon the talk. Not the one my parents never gave me so now I have no idea if I've ever had sex or not! The talk about how being Superman isn't about punching things into submission. He's all, "That was the other Superman! The one who didn't know any better! But we're good Supermen! We're not worried about fangenders thinking we're too powerful or that we're cosmic boy scouts! We do the right thing when the right thing needs to be done for the right reasons! And that's that!" And Jon says, "I killed the fucking cat, okay?! It was me! You knew I did it and you tricked me into admitting it and I hate you forever!" Unless he actually reacted like a good kid who feels ashamed for what he did and for lying about it too. That might be how he actually reacted but it's so foreign to me that I had to make up my own story at this point. Parents and kids just don't have sweet talks about real life! They scream and throw McDonald's pies at each other!

After Superman and Superboy leave, the remains of the robotic technology take samples of the plasma created by Superboy's heat vision and determine that there is a half-human, half-Kryptonian kid running around Earth. And it knows the kid is from the House of El! So it must be Brainiac since he knows so goddamned much.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH! Stop bonding over Goldie's death! I miss Judas so much!

The neighbor girl wanders out to sit in a tree with Jon and maybe sneak a kiss. It might not be behind the barn but on the cheek will do just as well. But Jon gets embarrassed and destroys the branch they're sitting on by clenching his super butt cheeks too tight. He knocks himself out from the fall so I guess his invulnerability hasn't kicked in too well yet. He's fire resistant but not knock to the head resistant, I guess.

Oh, and apparently Lois and Clark have changed their name again from "White" to "Smith". Creative!

Clark and Lois can't figure out why Jon could get a concussion when he's developed so many other powers. I bet it's because nobody wants another character that's overpowered! He needs to have some flaws! I guess concussions are going to be Jon's kryptonite.

And finally, the mystery DNA reader winds up being Eradicator. That makes sense because last issue's Next Blurb mentioned something about eradication. I just forgot because I was so angry about the death of Goldie. But I think I probably made a Squash joke about the Eradicator! That's a Kids in the Hall reference!

Justice League Rebirth #1

The Justice League are tired of us readers constantly asking for concrete continuity and modern updates of our favorite characters.

The Review!
If you haven't read Justice League Rebirth #1, you're missing out! Especially if you haven't read my commentary on Justice League Rebirth #1! So entertaining and enlightening that you will forget that Americans keep killing each other! Although you probably shouldn't forget that at all. You should probably rage against that. Or at least make people on your Facebook Friend's List uncomfortable with your opinions, posted as you wait in the Taco Bell drive-thru. As an added treat of unity and peace, the comments on this one aren't even behind a paywall! So magnanimous, you say? Oh, shucks! Don't embarrass me in front of my six paying followers who are reaping the benefits of my turns of phrase like "picking pubic hair out of fishnets" and "what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Bethlehem to be born"? Classic Tess and/or Yeats!

The Commentary!
Why is Bryan Hitch allowed to write this comic book when he still hasn't finished Justice League of America? Or has he? Was JLA #8 the final issue? Did it resolve? I don't fucking remember!

Anyway, I guess this book is going to be how the Justice League learns of the Watchmen and eventually defeats them. Hopefully that will happen before editorial decides the DC Universe needs to be completely overhauled again.

This issue begins with Preboot Superman caught up in an existential quandary about the nature of the New 52 Earth. He seems to believe it's special in a way that the other infinite Earths were not. I guess he's correct because this is the Earth where 99% of the action has taken place over the last five years. It is special! If another Earth were more special, we'd be reading about that one, wouldn't we? So Superman has a pretty good point! Which, I believe, I can extrapolate to our Earth! It must be pretty special since it's the one that I live on! And being that I'm the most important person to ever exist and that everything was made in preparation of my existence, I can't see how any other place matters.

While Superman is lost in masturbatory thoughts about the universe and his existence, the Justice League are getting their butts kicked by space lice. Batman must totally be freaking out right now as he realizes how much they need Superman. Your Bat-pants aren't looking so big now, are they?!

Maybe stop counting them and start pummeling them, Flash! And since Cyborg's White Noise Cannon doesn't work, I guess he's useless here!

The space lice are sticking to everybody's faces and Batman decides the better plan is to remove them as they attach themselves to people. But he forgot what The Flash said about their being too many of them until he tries to pull one off of a victim and it won't come off. Then he's all, "Oh, you know what? There are too many of them! If only we had somebody on our team with a really ridiculous super power like Freeze Breath!"

Aquaman and Wonder Woman are attacking the space lice queen which is just an enormous space louse that's about as big as Manhattan. But even the Trident of Neptune and the Bolt of Zeus can't penetrate the space lice queen's hide! I think Wonder Woman is using the Bolt of Zeus wrong. Isn't it usually used more like a Ruffie? Did I spell that correctly? Do I care? I don't think I really need to brush up on my date rape vocabulary.

The people with space lice stuck to their face are headed back to the queen to be taken back to Planet Unwashed Hippie. Since the Justice League can't seem to stop the threat, they decide to deprive it of its victims via BOOM Tube.

According to Vic's own math in Justice League #8 (New 52 Version), every 1000th tube will open up on Apokolips instead of in New Jersey! Although, really, will anybody even notice? Burn!

Since Batman can't remove the space lice from the victims and Cyborg's only offensive wrist attachment is ineffective and The Flash isn't fast enough (this time! I guess he had a light breakfast) and Aquaman is, well, Aquaman, the Justice League needs a new plan!

I guess the Bolt of Zeus is going to come in handy after all! Dammit! I think that was a rape joke. I'm disgusting. Or am I? I think it's okay to continue to point out how rapey Zeus was, as long as you frame it as not having been okay. And to be sure, I totally disagree with turning into trees and swans and bulls just to fuck women. Not okay.

Meanwhile Lois continues to try to get Clark out of the house so she can read a book.

Lois: "They need you, you dum-dum! How is Batman going to destroy all of the space lice with batarangs?! You know you can just blow your stupid Freeze Breath all over the victims, regulating to a temperature which you know humans can easily withstand for short bursts but will probably be cold enough to seriously fuck up alien face parasites!"
Clark: "My Freeze Breath isn't stupid!"

Double meanwhile in China, Si and Jess are getting along great! Why can't they be like that in Green Lanterns!? Don't get me wrong! I don't want them to get along so great that they accidentally have sex! I just want them to be besties where they share their secret feelings about the rest of the Justice League and giggle with each other at the back of the room while Batman chairs Justice League meetings! Sort of like they do here in this comic book!

The rest of the Justice League have somehow made their way inside the space lice queen. I think the particulars were a bit too graphic but I could explain them to the younger readers in a PG way! It's like this: when mommy isn't feeling particularly frisky but daddy really, really wants to frisk mommy, daddy gets out his Bolt of Zeus and begins flashing it around. Then mommy becomes intrigued by and receptive to daddy's new powerful form which allows the Justice League to easily slip inside! Then lots of scary noises come from mommy and daddy's room while you lie in bed gripping Teddy so hard that his seams tear and his stuffing spurts out. Then things get more confusing because the scary banging and moaning are soon replaced by snoring and buzzing. Then mommy screams, the buzzing stops, and the earth grows quiet until the next time alien invaders try to penetrate earth's defenses.

The Watchtower doesn't simply have unisex bathrooms? No wonder Wonder Woman isn't fighting for more female representation on the team! She's got a toilet all to herself!

While inside the space lice queen, Cyborg says the word "connected" and Batman has a Gregory House epiphany! Batman is all, "Hey! Remember earlier in the Watchtower when I said everything was connected and that I don't believe in coincidence? Boy, that was dumb, wasn't it?! Not believing in coincidence is something an irrational person says! Of course I was sure to amend the whole 'I don't believe in coincidence' with 'not with something like this' because I didn't want to sound completely batshit insane! Get it? Batshit! Ha ha. Anyway, remember how I said that word 'connected' earlier? And we were talking about Superman! Which means we totally need Superman now to save the day! Nailed it! I'm a genius! Oh! And do you also remember that joke I told? The one where I said I trusted our Superman?! You got that was a joke, right? So funny! Imagine! Me! Trusting someone! Ha ha!"

Eventually they reach the space lice queen's brain without Superman's help! But before they can whisper directly into the brain that it doesn't want to invade Earth which will take place right before they realize brains don't have ears, Aquaman breaks down!

He just remembered he's Aquaman.

Aquaman can hear the space lice queen's thoughts so I guess it's aquatic. It turns out it's called a Reaper and it's time to harvest humanity. For some reason, I completely broke out in hives when I read the word "harvest". I wonder what that's about?!

More Reapers are headed to Earth so I guess Earth is fucked and it's only the first issue! Boy, I wish a true hero with Freeze Breath would show up and fix it already!

Simon and Jessica arrive just in time to be overshadowed by the arrival of Superman! Way to go, Superman! You saved the day with your heat vision! And your commanding presence! And not your Freeze Breath at all which I think is a big mistake because I would totally be using my Freeze Breath every chance I got! I'd be all, "Criminals! Freeze!" Then I'd be all, "WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" That's the sound of me blowing out cold air somehow. I don't have time to explain the biology of it! I just know it's stupid!

Just use more heat vision! Surely it's better than batarangs, lassos, and white noise!

Seriously though.

Oh Batman. My poor, poor underpowered Batman! I never understood the lure of using the acronym/abbreviation SMH until this moment.

The Justice League stand next to the brain of the Reaper and threaten it. They tell it to tell all of the other Reapers that if they try to invade Earth, they'll get more batarangs to the brain stem! So the Reaper groggily flies back into space wondering what just happened, probably due to the lingering effects of the Bolt of Zeus. Hopefully it will warn the other Reapers that Earth is full of date raping bro-dudes and to avoid it at all costs.

I wonder if the Reaper was built by an island of geniuses who were subsequently killed after the project was finished? This whole space alien landing in New York was familiar on purpose, right? Because this is the beginning of the Watchmen's threat to this continuity? Is that what just happened?

Green Arrow #2

After Shado and Emiko nearly killed Ollie, did they piss on him too?

The Review!
Benjamin Percy is doing a much better job on Green Arrow than he was before Rebirth. Although the whole "Oliver Queen loses all of his money and identity and connections to others to become a cypher fighting for justice" is pretty familiar territory by this point. I guess Black Canary will take him more seriously if he's not able to help people using his money and has to only help people one at a time with a shitty bow and arrow carved from the wood of Monkey Puzzle Trees. So, anyway, I'm actually sort of enjoying Green Arrow because these stories since Rebirth feel like Green Arrow stories. Not that he shot any arrows this issue but at least he had goatee, I guess? The rest of the commentary you probably don't want to read because I'm just as sick and angry as everybody else because of events this week. I think even Black Manta would be sick of America's current answer to all of its problems. I wonder how we would solve problems if we didn't have so many guns at hand? Is "talk" too ridiculous of an answer here? Probably, right?

The Commentary!
How many times do I need to do nothing but rant on the internet about good cops not standing against bad cops before I can ever support any police officers at all? Maybe it's time to start shouting into the void about District Attorneys being complicit in the wave of police officers murdering African-Americans? The problem with the "not all cops" defense is that when one cop commits an atrocity, the entire force closes ranks and defends the cop, no matter how much evidence exists to show that they were violent for no reason and then lied about the brutality. And how is a District Attorney supposed to indict a police officer when the District Attorney relies heavily on police cooperation and support? The entire police force would see an indictment as a betrayal and the District Attorney would soon be out of a job due to being made impotent and toothless. But how crazy is it that people are dying for nothing more than a police officer deciding anything is resisting arrest and that resisting arrest is a capital crime? Something needs to be done before we're living in 2000 AD's Judge Dredd world. I don't know what that thing is because I mostly just hide in my apartment reading comic books. I think this is an extrovert problem! My toolkit allows for me to forage for food, barely sustain a roof over my head, and act like it's the end of the world when a comic book writer does a substandard job. One of my other tools is keeping things light-hearted but fuck me. I feel like a fucking cunt if I just start spouting off Green Arrow dick jokes without at least acknowledging that this world sucks ass. I should at least mention that I realize real world shit is going down before I start pointing out how badly Benjamin Percy wants to be World's Best Ally.

So comic books. Whatever. Let's go. I guess.

This issue is called "Erasure" because Benjamin Percy was totally into them in the eighties. Unless he's choosing that word because it's prime Social Justice Lingo! I wonder who Black Canary will accuse Green Arrow of erasing?! Probably poor bisexual First Nation crossdressers. I've never heard him mention their problems when he's gone on a rant about the underprivileged! Erasure!

Emiko and Shado dump Ollie's nearly lifeless body into the Puget Sound. But first they load up his boat with spilled booze and needles and bags of smack. Now everybody will know he got fucked up and fell overboard and was probably eaten by Killer Whales. I guess they think he's really dead or else I'm sure they would have slit his throat to make sure. Maybe Emiko is still on Ollie's side and made sure he's still alive before throwing him overboard. Then maybe she filled Ollie's pockets with dog treats and set George loose in the Sound to find him.

Shado now works for an organization called The Burned. They travel around the world on the most ostentatious ship I've ever seen called The Inferno. And they work in the service of the Ninth Circle. I think Ben is setting up some kind of theme here but I just can't grasp what it might be.

Meanwhile, some guy outside Abu Dhabi is Skyping some other guy named Dante. I wonder if Dante has anything to do with The Burned? Nah, I don't see the connection. Anyway, the guy Skyping in to Dante is named Mr. Kanoot and he has some familiar muscle keeping him safe.

Diggle is pretty boring on the television show. I hope he's more entertaining here. Maybe he'll have a hilarious quirk, or a really horrible tramp stamp that can constantly be mentioned!

Diggle gets a message via his Google Glasses that Queen is dead, followed by instructions on how to avenge Queen. You know, if he wants too. The upside is that by avenging Oliver Queen's death, Diggle will get to be a main character in a comic book! The downside? Oh, you know the downside! Don't make me have to say the punchline that you've already guessed! I mean, of course I'm going to say it because I can't just leave it hanging! Okay, okay! The downside is that the comic book is Green Arrow!

Burn!

And, of course, before I'm even done reading my comic book, some police are shot by snipers at a protest for police shooting civilians. I'm starting to think my solution of typing words to nobody wasn't so bad after all! Way to go, America. You fucking suck. If only there were more guns, I guess?

I guess I'm done talking about non-comic book things because I'd rather remain in my denial bubble. Everything good outside my window with the shades drawn and the curtains closed? Yeah, probably!

The news breaks that Oliver Queen has died in a drug fueled murder/suicide with his secretary whose body was recovered. Oliver's body is still missing because he's really alive somewhere. But Black Canary sees the news reports and she's all, "This is all about me! I'm the reason for this! Tragedy follows me and this is my tragedy that somebody else died because they put their penis inside my vagina and probably my butthole too. Darn me! Darn, darn, darn it, me!"

Meanwhile, Oliver has washed up on shore and is found by the pudgy IT guy. I'm really bad with names! I would have said, "Remember how bad I am with names?" But I don't expect anybody to have read enough of my sprawling manifesto hidden within comic book reviews to have even read that about me. Emiko managed to put her emergency tracking beacon up Oliver's butt before throwing him out of the boat. I guess she might be against hetero cis white rich guys but she isn't up for killing them. At least not the rich one that is also her brother and hasn't put her name on his will yet.

Ollie finally uses Henry's name and it all comes back to me! Henry Fyff! Hmm, that wasn't as much "all" as I thought it was going to be. Henry took Oliver to his Grandmother's house and she's able to heal him with racist tropes. You know the one! A-word C-word S-word! So racist!

Oliver wakes up from his healing bed two weeks later to find he's, once again, poor and homeless and destitute and without an identity. How often is this going to happen to him? I guess as often as the plot demands that Oliver have money or not have money! He's like a yo-yo except totally different because yo-yos have nothing to do with money at all.

I am bad at the analogies.

Black Canary conducts an investigation of her own because she thinks she's Batgirl. She's not very good at it because investigating doesn't often require singing and kicking ass and picking pubic hairs out of fishnet stockings.

Pshaw! I was just about to point out how everything was pointing towards that Dante fellow!

All Oliver has left is a secret hideout he dug in the woods outside Seattle. He tries to get Henry to do some more work for him but Henry doesn't do IT work for free. So now Oliver is all alone. It's just broke-ass Green Arrow against the world! Just like happens every twelve issues or so!

Green Lanterns #2

Bleez always looks like she forgot to put on the skirt before leaving the house.

The Review!
It's the buddy cop Green Lantern mash-up you've all been waiting for! One is a street wise misogynistic rookie! The other is an agoraphobic Islamaphobe who's an even rookier rookie! Together, they're Green Lanterns! Green both because they're rookies and because they're in that Corps whose power is based on willpower! The characters might not actually be as misogynistic and Islamaphobic as I'm pretending they are. Since the basic concept of the comic book revolves around neither one liking the other too much and how they're constantly criticizing the other in their inner monologues, I feel it's more exciting to spice up the mistrust they feel for each other. Plus neither one of them is a white guy, so I think if I write conversations where they criticize each other in ignorant ways, it's punching parallel! Which is okay, right? Or is it still wrong because I'm writing it? What if I scream that it's parody and satire and other stuff that used to be okay but now gets people angry for different reasons!? I think I get a free pass about knowing right from wrong because according to all the Youthsplanations I receive every day, I'm always wrong about everything (except my mistrust of the cops! That just keeps getting proven time and time again! Although I don't want to turn a daily tragedy into about me being right yet again! At least I do but I want to acknowledge that I didn't mean to do that but still do it anyway!) I'm even going to be told I'm wrong by an old white guy when I read Green Arrow next!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on the planet Ysmault which is identified as the "home of the Red Lanterns" instead of explaining which sector it is located. It's Sector 2814, by the way. Don't believe the incorrect information being passed around by Issue #1! I'm not sure why the comic begins on Ysmault since Red Lanterns was cancelled. And I'm fairly confident that "Green" is not a synonym for "Red" so I'm confused. I guess DC Comics just doesn't know how to let the Red Lanterns go. What makes them so special? The Indigo Lanterns have pretty much vanished and all but one of the Blue Lanterns have been killed by bugs and/or Twat Lobo. The only Orange Lantern has been relegated to jokey comic books and the Star Sapphires are pretending to have Tupper Ware parties but they're really having sex with hot space guys behind the Guardians' backs.

I'd hate to sit on a subway next to Atrocitus.

Back in Pima County, Arizona, Sector 2814, Atrocitus's Hell Tower begins erupting. Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz aren't around to help because they weren't Green Lantern enough for ARGUS. ARGUS must have forgotten their Secret Police Tape to close off the crime scene because dozens of citizens are standing around the Hell Tower when it erupts. Now dozens of citizens, along with the ARGUS agents, are really mad for no reason at all! Unless the Hell Tower is the reason. And maybe their dead family members.

Up in Portland, Oregon, a lot of douches are thinking they're cool, especially the one that lives in the apartment beneath me. I wonder how many people reading this are from Portland, living beneath somebody else, and are now wondering if that's Tess up there? Also happening in a Lexmart in Portland, Jessica Cruz is introducing herself to the readers and having a nice little About Me chat with them. It doesn't make any sense. Does she know she's in a comic book and that I just turned the page to see her for the first time this month? I would think she would be too concerned with all of the angry shoppers that were attacking her for no reason at all. Really no reason this time! She's not in the Hell Tower or Dead Family Members Aisle.

Jessica's sister has become the Angriest Shopper in the World and Jess doesn't know how to help her. Oh yeah, Jessica also mentions her anxiety so that readers suffering from anxiety can be all, "Cool! Representation! Except for that part about how she totally hasn't been crippled by her anxiety at all in her Justice League adventures! Probably because Volthoom was controlling her! Also, what did she mean by her sister made her leave her apartment even though she was crippled by anxiety? Fuck saving that cunt! How dare she!?" It's about at the time I thought "Should I include the word 'cunt' in my imaginary reader's thoughts?" when Simon Baz comes crashing through the wall of a store in a Light Construct Humvee to save the day!

When Jess sees Si, she thinks, "Look at how violently he just entered the store? Religion of peace, my big brown ass!" And Simon Baz is thinking:

"Religion of pieces, more like! SMASH! BANG! BOOM!"

Apparently Sam Humphries thematic element tying this series together is explained in this moment as Simon arrives. I said "apparently" when I probably should have said "undoubtedly and without question" because Jess thinks, "I might be all anxiety, but he's all impulse. Somewhere in the middle is where a Green Lantern should be." So that's why they were forced to share a Lantern! Because they're representative of two halves of one mind. So it's like The X-Files but less subtle or interesting!

Not that I'm totally disinterested in this comic book but it is doing a few things I could do without. How about more funny light constructs and less interior monologues about the differences between Si and Jess? Or maybe more interior dialogues between the two but make them more hate-filled and racist! I don't mean because I enjoy those things! I just mean because I would think it was funny if they were both ignorant assholes who eventually learn to not be ignorant because of interacting with each other and space travel! They'll still be assholes though.

Who the fuck is Simon talking to? I hate these kinds of fucking Narration Boxes! HE SHOULD NOT BE AWARE OF ME WATCHING HIM!

Jessica has been having trouble making light constructs because of her anxiety or something. She's so full of self-doubt that she can't even make a butterfly net to catch her sister. A butterfly net is like Green Lanterning 101! It's like the elephant lamp that you pull the trunk and the light comes on of Green Lantern Shop Class! But she's too scared of hurting her sister so impulsive Simon Baz has to swing into action and help out. He puts Sara Cruz in suspended animation that should keep her safe while he and Jess fly into space to fight Red Lanterns. On his way out of the Lexmart, he steals a stuffed animal and crashes through the roof. I want to complain about how irresponsible he is for a peacemaker in a position of authority but how can I when he's at least not killing the people he's supposed to protect. I just can't get angry at a space cop stealing a teddy bear when actual cops are stealing lives.

Simon and Jessica realize the Red Lanterns are invading Earth with their hate. They don't have time to stop them this issue even though Aquaman took care of his first problem in only two issues. Although Black Manta was freed before getting to prison, so once he's done feeling like he wasted his life trying to kill Aquaman, he'll get right back up on that Aquaman killing hobbyhorse, I'm sure. Hopefully next issue begins with Simon and Jessica charging their rings so that they don't wind up in the usual shitty Green Lantern cliffhanger where the ring is running out of power. Although Simon still has the gun strapped to his thigh, so he can at least find out if bullets can kill Atrocitus. I bet they work against the cat!