The Sheriff of Babylon #12

No review blurb on the cover?! Tom King must have tried to submit one of mine and Vertigo was all, "No way. Fuck off with that shit, asshole. You'll never work for Vertigo again!" Thanks for trying though! And ruining your career for me, Mr. King!

Judging by Chris's beard and his "I don't give more fucks than I gave when I previously appeared in this comic book" attitude, this story begins a few weeks or months after the Abu Rahim Fudge-up. So how did the Abu Rahim Fudge-up end? Who knows being that war is hell, according to Mr. Peabody's boy. While eating a burger in the commissary, Chris sees Jim a few tables over. Jim is the guy who decided to make a quick introduction to Chris, Nassir, and Sofia before the Abu Rahim Fudge-up went down. Chris decides, "You know what? Fuck my career. I'm going to go make this guy really fucking uncomfortable."

Extraordinarily, over-the-top, extremely motherfucking uncomfortable.

Chris updates Jim on the timeline since Jim seems so confused. Chris lets him know that he, Jim, is the one he's been looking for since the first issue. He's the guy responsible for all the shit that's gone down. Not Abu Rahim. Not Nassir. Not Sofia. Just Jim. And, of course, his buddies Bob and Franklin.

Chris contacts Sofia who is sort of busy listening to a bunch of old men sitting around a table drinking their son's blood like table wine. That's from The Indigo Girls! They always know how to say the thing that we all know in a way that makes you hate things even more but in a really pleasant way that makes you think, "I should do this song at Karaoke!" I sang Shame on You the last time I did Karaoke and I don't know if the white people in the bar knew they were the ones who were supposed to feel shamed because it's so upbeat and jolly!

Jim is taken to a dark room far away from everything. He's tied to a chair and confronted by Sofia, Nassir, and Chris. I hope they tell him the story of the end of the Abu Rahim Fudge-up and I hope Chris ends that story with "I still dream about the feeling of Bob's testicles popping in my closing fist!"

Chris, Sofia, and Nassir just stare at the guy as he shits himself and tells them everybody who's actually responsible for the shit they all just went through. For the loss of Nassir's wife. For the miscarriage of Sofia's baby. For the time, money, and energy spent to catch one little creep with no power who apparently pissed off the wrong American and, so, had to die. Jim sells them all out because he's not a hard man. He's just a soft, tubby computer guy. An aging contractor. A patsy.

Nassir puts a bullet in his head anyway. For Fatima. For that it should mean something.

And then they dump the body under the swords where it all began with Ali.

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
8. The Flash (*)
9. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
10. Earth 2: Society (*)

I'm not retiring comic books anymore from the Rankings list! It'll be an all-time list! It'll also be a long time before The Sheriff of Babylon is knocked from the #1 position because holy fuck. That's it. That's my review! "Because holy fuck." A smarter person might have more to say than that. A smarter person might tell you all about how the clusterfudge expressed some kind of inexpressible something about life and war and people. But the smartest person already said all of that in this comic book, so why the hell should I repeat it in lesser terms? Just to prove what a fucking genius I am?! I mean, I'm not that. Because holy fuck.

The Sheriff of Babylon #11

Finally! A cover blurb that makes sense and really fucking nails this book!

Usually I offer a bunch of alternate blurbs for Tom King and Mitch Gerads to use for the cover but I don't think I can come up with one better than this. Besides, they've probably already picked which one of my blurbs they're using for the cover of Issue #12. I can't wait to be surprised by my blurb appearing on the cover!

I just reread the entire series before reading this issue and Holy Spicoli! This shit is crazy! As an experienced Comic Book Reviewer, I wonder if I should come up with more descriptive phrases than "This shit is crazy!" and "Holy Spicoli!"? I suppose just saying that this story is a well-written military fudge-up full of characters who have been so screwed by every side of the conflict that they can only trust the burning vengeance inside of them guiding their actions. Nassir probably wants to end the NCIS for killing his wife. Sofia wants to take out whoever was responsible for the rocket attack which caused her to miscarry (probably not Abu Rahim although that's what everybody is suggesting. More likely NCIS too!). Chris just wants to punch people in the face because they're all making his life really fucking difficult. And I'm probably wrong about everything because what the fuck do I know? I've said it in every previous commentary: this story is too smart for me!

This issue begins just after Bob's confession that his first attempt to kill Abu Rahim ended in the massacre of a Christian family. He then hints that they had to kill Ali for that. Which works since that would mean Nassir, Sofia, and Chris all have a beef with Bob and his crew. I'm not sure how Chris is going to kill Bob but I'm certain that's a thing that is going to happen in the future.

Here comes the truth bombs!

Bob tells Chris how they made sure Ali would be killed by jihadis while Abu Rahim is telling Sofia how he knows nothing of the rocket attack. So, that's going to pile more fudge on this fudge-up! Especially since Abu Rahim isn't really any threat at all! So what? What is it all about?

Sofia keeps asking if it's real. If any of it is real. And at this point, who the fuck knows? The military are chasing ghosts, or bogeymen of their own making. It's like a middle manager trying to prove they're doing a good job by constantly yelling at their underlings and finding fault in their jobs. The military needs bogeymen. And they make them, constantly, and the fudge-up keeps going on and on and on. And money keeps flowing and flowing and flowing. And everybody caught up in the cesspool just keep doing whatever they need to to keep from swallowing too much shit. I suppose this story will have some kind of conclusion next issue but, well...will it even fucking matter?

The Rankings! 1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. The Flash (*)

Tom King knows how to write a story. A real story. One with a beginning, a quiet scene drinking by the pool, and an ending. Plus Mitch kills it on art.

The Sheriff of Babylon #10

I finally found Issue #10!

How is it that this Vulture person gets a blurb that doesn't make any goddamn sense while I've written up dozens of blurbs that totally make sense and also talk about putting my tongue in Tom King's ass? Who wouldn't want to pick up this comic book after reading "So good I owe Tom King a rimmer at the next nerd meet-up in San Diego! -- Grunion Guy!"? Of course that's predicated on if he's taken a shower recently! You can tell by the funk of the convention center how terrible everybody's asses must be after a few hours of walking around that place. I wonder how long it takes to air that place of the stank of nerd ass?

I mean, is that really the best use of "comprehensive", Vulture? I suppose what Vulture is trying to say in Vulture's convolutedly succinct way is that the story takes into account every aspect of war and not that it's a complete record of every war ever. Maybe the "of our generation" caveat is supposed to make me feel better about using the term comprehensive since "of our generation" basically means "war in the Middle East." But still, is it really comprehensive in its examination of everything that goes on in war? I don't think so. I mean, I haven't seen any reference to the Ether Bunny who uses ether on other soldiers to knock them out and have his way with them.

Last issue ended with Sofia and Chris and the other guy who shit himself's plan falling apart when Abu Rahim came to the ambush wearing a suicide vest. Now they can't just kill him! They have to actually talk to him. Ugh! Doesn't Tom King want this comic book to be successful?! Fill it with punches, not words! Tom King must hate popularity. Although he seems to be doing good work writing a comic book so confusing that it must be super intelligent! Have you seen all of the great cover blurbs he's garnered?! Like, so many! Even Warren Ellis says this book is good! He probably really loved the part where the guy shit himself. So funny!

Oh! I just thought of a good cover blurb that Tom King could use! "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. -- W.B. Yeats"! Because shit is falling down all over the place in this story. Especially now! It's like Tom King was all, "This is a twelve issue story. It would be good to start the climax at about Issue #10." And his publisher probably responded, "You know you're writing comic books, right? Don't think about it so hard! Just think up conflicts and have the hero punch their way out of it!" I can't wait to see Sofia punch her way out of this mess with Abu Rahim and the Americans with raging kill Abu Rahim boners!

Look, I'm just not smart enough to do justice to this comic book. So here are some panels that show how terrific it is and how smart it makes you feel when you pretend to understand it and recommend it to your friends.

That previous scan is how I feel most of the time! I'm Nassir and comic book fandom is Abu Rahim. I'm all, "Aquaman upskirts dolphins!" And the Aquaman fandom are all, "Is that a joke?" And I'm all, "Maybe! Although maybe heavily weighted in truth!" And then they're all, "SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP!", where the slaps are messages that say awful (but true) things about my mother. And just like how I double down on anybody criticizing me and become an even worse monster until they realize I'm not worth the aggravation and I go on with my life pretending I accomplished something by driving them off in frustration and anger, Nassir continues to get in Abu Rahim's face while Abu continues to slap the shit out of him.

While Nassir loses the pissing contest to Abu, Chris is busy talking to the American guy who got this whole mess started by recruiting one of Chris's police trainees to infiltrate Abu Rahim's organization. The murder of that recruit is what got Chris started on his investigation. While Sofia is busy telling Nassir and Abu Rahim that this shit isn't a game, the guy who started it all keeps telling Chris how everything was Game On this and Game On that. I think there's a point to all of that somehow.

The pissing contest between Nassir and Abu Rahim becomes a pissing contest between Sofia and Abu Rahim. But Abu Rahim is all out of piss and Sofia has buckets full. And Abu Rahim drinks it all, willingly. He sees the light through Sofia's piss and knows that she is getting shit done. Of course, he's still the guy who caused Sofia to lose her baby so he's probably fucked. It's hard to tell because everybody is on every side based on their own agendas! Post-war fudge-ups are so confusing!

Meanwhile, that guy who fucked up the first mission to get Abu Rahim finishes his story about killing the people the police trainee led them to. But those people were kids and women and Christian. And so Bob, the guy whose name I've been forgetting to use, probably went and killed Ali, the police trainee, for using the Americans to kill some family for Abu Rahim. And that's how shit got started. Well, some of the shit, anyway.

The Ranking!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. The Flash (*)

Is it really fair to judge this comic book against mainstream superhero comic books? Of course not! This comic book is saying things! At least I think it's saying things. It should mean something.

The Sheriff of Babylon #9

The Review Or Probably Just a Bunch of Blurbs for the Cover
I was wondering if the next fashion trend we could start could be t-shirts with tiny moth holes all over them. Because I'm tired of not looking haute! Speaking of fashion trends that revolve around holes, did you know there was a Def Leppard biopic? I couldn't stop watching it because it was so bad and full of fake band drama! Although I think my favorite part was when Pyromania hit big and the drummer said, "I'm going to buy the fastest Corvette they make!" Ha ha! Subtle! I only saw up until the drummer crashed his Corvette in a Duel-esque battle with another car on the road before I had to go meet an old man about a buffer. That was an hour into the two hour movie. I imagine the last hour revolved around the drummer being depressed because he lost an arm while half the band began trying to force him out and the other half thought he'd be a great draw at the box office. The band with mediocre music played by a one-armed drummer!

I actually took a little time trying to think of an adjective for the music Def Leppard played and I finally settled on "mediocre" even though I think that's giving them the benefit of the doubt. Although I did like that song from Pyromania with the clown.

I wonder why Def Leppard didn't tour with the corpse of Steve Clark on guitar on their Adrenalize tour?

I don't have any blurbs for The Sheriff of Babylon this month because I wrote a bunch of blurb's for Def Leppard's next album and emailed them to their manager. I hope they use "Look up mediocre in the thesaurus and you'll see a picture of Def Leppard!" I know it's a little elementary school but I think it's the best they're going to get.

This is Issue nine of twelve and Sofia, Chris, and Nassir are meeting Jim, the top guy in the American military ops hunting down terrorists (I think! Remember, this comic book is way smarter than me!). He wants to meet them because they're heroes for luring a really bad guy whose name I can't remember into a trap. But that seems kind of premature, right? There are still three more issues to go! That must mean Jim is just as corrupt and they're going to need to shit their pants in from of him next. I mean, make him shit his pants. It'll be totally hilarious, I bet!

Why isn't anybody else talking about how funny this comic book is? Pants shitting. Wives killed in misunderstandings. Cats stealing blasphemous religious icons. Naked ding-dongs! I can't stop cracking up at the things Mitch and Tom come up with!

Oh! I spoke too soon. It turns out they have yet to catch Abu Rahim but I guess they came up with such a good plan that Jim couldn't wait to shake some hands and get his spit all over the op. He practically shows the trio his hard on when he gets out of the limousine, he's so worked up about the plan. I hope Jim doesn't take a bullet in the head when I turn the page because I just might spit my tea all over the keyboard. Man, that would be hysterical.

Ha ha! Oh, Jim! That's some good irony!

I think every advertisement in this book features the Suicide Squad. Was that on purpose? I think that's some kind of advert meta-commentary on the story! Although there was one advertisement for some science fiction comic book that I stopped paying attention to when I saw the writer was Joshua Williamson. Reading Williamson's work is like listening to a Def Leppard album.

While Sofia and Nassir await the arrival of Abu Rahim, they discuss a logical theorem for the existence of God. It falls apart immediately and also in the middle and also at the end because God is made up to explain that which we are currently incapable of understanding. Things exist because other things existed and therefore something must have existed at the start to start the other things from existing. Since something had to start that chain, it must be God! Although nobody ever asks how God came into existence. For some reason, he's allowed to have always existed because it solves their theorem tidily. But why God? Why not, say, matter has always existed? Why is that improbable but some magic being that can do anything somehow makes sense? If I thought they really believed what they were saying, I would be disappointed. But I know they are only joking to pass the time! Ha ha! God! What a laugh!

While things seem to be going not terribly on Sofia and Nassir's end, Chris is having some trouble in the waiting room back at Ops Headquarters. He was seated across from Bob, the man whose men killed Nassir's wife. And, as Chris finds out, the man who was responsible for the death of Chris's trainee that got Chris involved in this entire clusterfudge. He's a smug bastard who probably deserves his own bullet in the head.

Before I finish reading this comic book, I should probably apologize to Def Leppard and their fans. I don't want to go on record saying that they were always horribly mediocre. I can see why people became huge fans after Pyromania. That album has a sound and style that set them apart from other bands at the time. But to follow up with Hysteria? Disappointing. I made a few enemies in high school pointing out how lousy Hysteria was. I think I was supposed to grade it on a curve because the drummer only had the one arm. I was supposed to say things like, "It's shit but when you consider the drummer only has one arm, you have to be impressed by something or other!" But I wasn't impressed. I was just not interested at all.

So, Abu Rahim shows up to the ambush but he decides to come wearing an explosive strapped to his chest. So everybody decides maybe they shouldn't kill him just yet. Maybe they need to chat with him! And I bet while chatting with him, they'll discover some secrets about the horrible things the Americans are doing. Which is a good thing to learn since Chris is ready to put a bullet in Bob in the middle of Ops Headquarters anyway.

In the middle of the story is an advertisement for the first collected edition of The Sheriff of Babylon. This one has a blurb from Warren Ellis so I probably shouldn't make fun of it. I've pissed off some comic book professionals but none of those scared me because they couldn't write a biting insult about my mother that hasn't already been written better by me. But Warren Ellis? I think he might just have me for lunch with a sensible amount of words, all in the right place and everything. Although wouldn't it be flattering to be torn down by the man who created Spider Jerusalem?! Still, I think I'll refrain from pointing out to Tom King that he should use one of my blurbs over one of Warren Ellis's blurbs. I wish I had a Warren Ellis blurb for my blog! I wonder if he'd be angry if I just made one up?

The Sheriff of Babylon #8

Still not one of my cover blurbs, dammit!

The Review and The Part Where I Probably Bitch About the Cover Blurb!
I can't help but feel like I'm being slighted here, Tom King. The Court of Nerds gets a blurb? Who the hell are the Court of Nerds?! A mysterious organization of men and women in Weird Al Yankovic masks pulling the strings of the city's leaders? And what makes them think they're going to talk to all seven billion people minus about thirty thousand who aren't reading this comic book?! Even I know that's a preposterous notion and I'm an idiot! It's possible the Court of Nerds just meant "if you're into comic books and love great comic books and aren't reading this comic book, I don't actually want to speak with you because I'm anxious and awkward around other people but I'm prepping up some serious side-eye if I ever leave the house and run into you!" I guess that's too long for a cover blurb. Maybe that's why I haven't gotten one of my blurbs on the cover yet! Mine are all too lengthy and probably also too smart! I need to dumb them down and shorten them up! Here are a few more, Tom King:

"This comic left me blurbless! -- Grunion Guy!"
"A+++∞! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Tom King's sexual stamina is amazing! -- Grunion Guy!"
"I think Gerads forgot an "r" in his name! -- Grunion Guy!"
"When is Baby Lon going to be introduced in this book? I'm on the edge of my seat! Oh man! I hope he wasn't the miscarriage! NOOOOOOO! -- Grunion Guy!"
"What's going on in this book? It's way too smart for me! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Remember when that guy shit his pants?! So funny! Was it meant to be funny? Well, I laughed! -- Grunion Guy!"
"If you are not reading this book, you probably aren't reading this blurb either! -- Grunion Guy!"
"I don't really care about this comic book, I just want to increase my Q Score! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Sometimes there's a cat in it! -- Grunion Guy!"
"Did I just pull a pube out of my mouth? Ew! Where did that come from?! -- Grun...er, Cullen Bunn!
That's probably enough! I'm sure one of those will make the cover of Issue #12! Thanks in advance, Tom King!

This issue keeps me just as confused as ever which must mean the story is really smart and I should actually be pretending to understand it so that I don't look stupid! But I found the panel that helps me put all the pieces together and opens the way to understanding the theme!

I knew it! Carpets! It's all about the carpets!

Well, maybe it's not all about carpets! Some of it is about the symbols of a bombed out empty swimming pool which also becomes a grave and dumping ground of blasphemous icons stolen by cats! But you have to know a lot more about Islam than I pretend not to know to really understand it all! Also, pretending to pretend not to know makes me look like I actually know things that I don't actually know! That way I can still appear smart by mentioning the cat but not really explaining anything about it! Except maybe I'm also pretending about all of that too! Maybe I really am just smart! Or dumb? I forget where I was in my intelligence inception!

Anyway, if you want to appear smart to other comic book nerds, you should be reading and raving about this comic book! But don't talk about it too much or you might reveal how stupid you are because this book is way smarter than all of us! Just say things like "The universal bridge of truth leads to the first step of this comic book!" or "If you aren't reading this comic book, we need to talk because I know we won't be talking about this comic book which is so far over my head that I don't want to expose my ignorance of everything that isn't Pokemon or Avengers!"

The Sheriff of Babylon #7

Who is picking these stupid Goddamned quotes for the cover?!

The Review!
Everybody who thinks they're intelligent should be reading this book. Or you should at least be seen reading this book. It's possible people seeing you reading this book will smirk and think, "Look at that adult child reading a funny book. Loser!" But if you display the name of the book properly, they might remember you when the movie comes out and they'll think, "Holy guacamole! That loser I saw that one time was reading this story in comic book form long before it became a hit movie that is making all of the money!" See? You want that to happen to you, right? Then you should read this! Just try not to read the cover blurb on any of the issues because they're all terrible and not by me, Grunion Guy! Or, if you want to use my cool nickname, Grunion Gun!

The Commentary!
The fucking blurb on this cover doesn't even make sense! All of the cover blurbs I've submitted may have seemed ridiculous but they were better than this shit from Comic Book Resources! But then I guess Comic Book Resources has already given thousands of hand-jobs to comic book professionals and have earned a blurb on the cover while I've only given a promise of one hand-job! In fact, that's a good quote for the cover!

"I would give Tom King's Blurb Picker a hand-job if they use this quote for the cover. Realpolitik!" -- Grunion Gun!

I'm not done discussing the quote yet because it makes no sense. How are first steps on a bridge related to universal truths?! Who is the copy-editing monkey who thinks they're fucking Shakespeare writing pretentious nonsensical bullshit like this?! This quote is fucking inane! Is that how I get a quote on the cover? I need to be more inane than I already am?!

I love this comic book but I'm almost ready to drop it because the cover blurbs are so fucking terrible that they're going to give me an aneurysm.

I just tweeted Comic Book Resources for an explanation on the meaning of this cover blurb. Hopefully they'll get back to me before I'm done with this commentary.

I think you say something speaks "universal truths" when you know you're reading something smarter than you are and you don't exactly know what that thing you're reading is about. The Comic Book Resources reviewer must have been too proud to simply say that they don't understand what is happening in this book but it is still a great read. I'm not too proud to say that! I don't know if the truths in this book are universal because it's not exactly a physics textbook. It's about human beings with flaws and hopes just trying to survive in a clusterfuck shitshow of a situation that none of them would have ever wanted to be in and were in no way responsible for it. So I suppose that's, if not a universal truth, at least an earthly truth for the poor sentient bastards whose parents had the audacity to procreate. We may not all be trying to solve a murder in a war-torn country whose infrastructure and security is practically nonexistent but we all probably had a rough night's sleep or a lousy breakfast or a long morning commute or any one of a million other mundane things that, to us, make it feel like our world is falling apart. I said "we" but I really mean all of you whiners. I'm doing great!

Did you buy that? Did it feel like a first step across a bridge?

Now this right here! This is a universal truth!

Anyway, more horrible shit happens and a baby opts out of going through this pointless, torturous existence. Nothing this issue made me cry even though there were horrible things done and a there was a cat. At least the cat survived. I'm looking side-eyed at you, Tomasi!

The Sheriff of Babylon #6

The lion is an Islamic metaphor! Probably.

The Review or Whatever
Finally, The Sheriff of Babylon chooses a critical blurb for the cover that doesn't piss me off. I mean, "a must-read" doesn't actually do anything for me. It's actually a bit aggressive! Oh, really? I must read this fucking comic book because Uproxx says so?! Who the fuck does Uproxx think they are?! When is Tom King going to go to his editors and say, "Look, Mr. and Mrs. Vertigo. You have to use this terrific blurb from Grunion Guy for the cover! He fucking hits it out of the park every time!" Let me write a few every month so King and his crew can take their pick.

"This book doesn't piss on Islam at all!" -- Grunion Guy!
"Are you the kind of person who glorifies war and calls every military person a hero? Well go fuck yourself! You won't like this book at all!" -- Grunion Guy!
"Have you heard anybody ever use the word 'realpolitik'?! Yeah, me neither. But I guess this book is all realpolitikal or something." -- Grunion Guy!
"I thought this book was about a guy who watched over a baby named Lon. It's not!" -- Grunion Guy!
"Sometimes I read a comic book and think, 'What just happened?' This is one of those books!" -- Grunion Guy!
"Bang! Boom! This is a war comic like no other war comic! Pow!" -- Grunion Gun! Bang!

This comic book also made me cry a bunch of times last issue but I don't want that quoted on the cover! So don't you dare use a quote like "This comic book touches me in a place I haven't been touched since my grandfather died! Phrasing?" -- Grunion Guy!

"Whoa! This comic book says some revolutionary stuff!" -- Grunion Guy!

Everything I type sounds sarcastic! But I really do love this comic book! It's so good! Don't use that quote! It's too boring! That was off the record!

The next page has Fatima sitting in front of an American flag. I'm not going to rant about how the stars are wrong on the flag because she's in Iraq and maybe that's an old flag when the US of A only had 48 states. Those were good times for people with obsessive compulsive disorder because the stars could all line up neatly. And I mean people who really have OCD and not all of your friends on Facebook who constantly pretend they're overly disturbed by pictures of one tile out of place or one pencil not sharpened. God, those friends really need personalities badly, don't they?!

Fatima is trying to get the US military to take her near assassination seriously but the representative she talks to is an asshole who doesn't want to deal with her and resorts to calling her "darling" when she insists he take this shit seriously. When I'm having a conversation with somebody, there are multiple things that will cause me to instantly disengage and not give a fuck about them or their opinions anymore. One of them is when they question my honesty and simply disbelieve something I say because they don't want to believe it. Being called "darling" is one thing I've never had to deal with. But if I were a woman, it would so be one of the triggers that cause me to shut down and assume the person I was talking to was an inbred moron who has just exited my life forever. I sort of wish I were a woman for this reason alone now! Getting people out of my life would be so easy!

While Fatima deals with her shitstain, Chris and Nassir meet a big messy brown spot named Bob. He's with the "Don't ask, don't tell" division which is a weird thing to say because I would think, this being the military, it would open him up to a bunch of no homo jokes! Although I suppose it just means he's kind of a Man in Black. A real one, not that fictional Tommy Lee Jones garbage. And by "real one," I mean "urban legend" one! Duh! You think I'm fucking crazy?! I would never admit in a public forum that I really believe in the Men in Black! Ha ha.

I'm really reading this slowly because the tension King and Gerads are building in this scene with Bob, Chris, and Nassir is fucking incredible. Oh wait! "Read this comic slowly because the tension it creates is pulpable!" -- Grunion Guy! You might have to use a [sic] tag with that because I'm not going to fix the typo!

Seriously. I can't finish this scene. This is too Goddamned tense!

"If you have IBS, do not read this book! My bowels are healthy and I still pooped myself!" -- Gruni...um, Cullen Bunn!

Nassir's wife is killed because Bob the Prickfuckcunthole yells "Gun!" while all of his cowardly henchmen have their assault rifles targeting her. Oh well! What's one more dead innocent in a war torn country occupied by a bunch of fear-filled young Americans armed to the teeth? As long as they all survive every encounter where they probably weren't in danger anyway but, hey, you never know?! Better safe than sorry! I mean, for the military personnel with the high caliber weapons. Not for the innocent natives of the invaded country. Fuck them, amirite?!

Nassir is taken by Bob and Christopher asks Fatima if she can find out where they took him.

Does this story mean anything? It should mean something. Remember how they said that last issue?! That was really good, right? "This should mean something." -- Grunion Guy! I remember this story was about Christopher investigating one of his trainees who was murdered. Or one of his assistants. The details are vague! But since then, it's all become a real clusterfuck! A major realpolitik horror story! Don't use that quote for the cover because I only said it ironically! I think.

"I bet this comic book would be even better than it seems to be if only I were smarter!" -- Grunion Guy!
"A must read!" -- Grunion Guy. I didn't steal Uproxx's quote! Mine doesn't have a dash because I think the dash is pretentious!
"If somebody uses one of my quotes for the cover, I'll owe somebody a pretty good handjob!" -- Grunion Guy!

The Sheriff of Babylon #5

At this point, I don't know why the blurb writers haven't taking over the writing of this comic book. They're so much smarter than everybody else! Here's another that uses the term 'realpolitik'!

The Review
I wish I could come up with the kind of poetical blurb that Paste Magazine has come up with! I mean with which Paste Magazine has come up! Damn it! I hope they don't read this and think, "Why is this stupid man reading a thinking man's comic?!" Actually, I hope they do think that. Fuck them for implying that comics are for stupid, illiterate, vacuous staring cowpeople and only occasionally is one written that is worth somebody's time! Fuck you, Paste Magazine! Sit on my stupid dick and spin smartly! You fuckgarbage! I hope Paste Magazine isn't too busy jerking off into their own mouths over the sentence "corpses of patriotism litter yesterday's battlefields" to read the next issue! I'm going to use that statement as my Facebook Political Views blurb! And I won't give any attribution! People will read it and think, "Whoa. Tess is a real thinking man!" Currently my political views is this quote by John Steinbeck: "And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost." Maybe that should go on the cover of the next Sheriff of Babylon! And while I'm proving that I'm not smart enough to come up with a terrifically smug comment like Paste Magazine's, here's the quote by Philip K. Dick which I use as my Religious Views blurb on Facebook: "Our partial knowledge of reality is sufficient to get us by--for a while longer. Cause and effect bumble on, and we go with them; like good middle-class Americans we keep paying on our insurance policies, hoping to outbet the actuary tables. What will destroy us in the end is synchronicity; eventually we will arrive in a blind intersection at 4:00 A.M. the same time another idiot does, also tanked up with beer; both of us will then depart for the next life, with probably the same outcome there, too. Synchronicity, you see, can't be anticipated; that's one of its aspects."

Was that a clear enough review of this issue? I hope so because I haven't even read it yet! But I figure it's going to be just as good as the previous four issues. Plus, Paste Magazine already said everything that needs to be said when they modified 'horror' with 'realpolitik'!

Wait! I've read it now! It's wonderful! So wonderful! I cried multiple times. And I know that sounds sarcastic but it wasn't meant to be at all. This is truly a moving and touching piece of storytelling. Plus it features a bit about cats which is the best because cats are the best and anybody who writes a story that includes cats is obviously a realpolitikal genius.

The Commentary
I have never had a conversation with another human being where they used the word 'realpolitik'. At least not one that didn't immediately end with me punching them in the throat and pissing on their face.

Currently in The Sheriff of Babylon, a whole bunch of stuff has been happening that I don't understand because I never take the time to think about my comic books. I just flip through the pages and think, "Oh yeah! Violence! Boobies! A Superman sheet! I wish I was reading Superman so I didn't have to keep using my brain and my online dictionary to tell me what words like 'realpolitik' and 'zzzgrwchhazzx' mean!

The online dictionary didn't have a definition for 'zzzgrwchhazzx' but the Urban Dictionary says it's the sound a goat makes when you suck its dick after filling your mouth with your own shit. I don't think Tom King is using it in that way here though. I think it's just meant to be snoring sound effects.

Oh! I get this part! He's drunk! Ha ha!

The drunk guy must be drunk on hard liquor because you probably shouldn't drink beer on Atkins! You can drink rye though which is ironic! Isn't it? It might not be. Nerds on the internet have made me afraid to describe things as ironic because apparently nobody in the history of ever has ever used the term correctly. Let me try to use it correctly: "The irony, of course, was that the newly entrenched invaders bringing about their strange laws and new rules had never heard the word 'realpolitik' used in any conversation." Damn it! That isn't right! I hate not being a thinking man! So frustrating!

I can't wait until somebody pipes up in the comments to educate me on all the stuff I'm pretending not to know!

Actually, I'm only pretending that I'm pretending not to know so I don't look stupid! Is that ironic?!

The problem with thinking man comic books is that they don't think they need to remind me what the name of the main character is so now I'm six pages in without any idea what Christopher's name is. Oh wait! It's Christopher! I was casually reminded on page two! Good thing I picked those things up subconsciously! I know the broad's name is Fatima and that I shouldn't call her a broad. I'm not stupid!

Have you ever noticed how only stupid people have to claim they're not stupid? That's the best way to pick them out of a crowd since everybody believes they're smart. Okay, most everybody. Occasionally you'll come upon a person who knows they're a dumb-ass. But then maybe they're just trying to seem wise because they once heard that Socrato declared that he knew nothing and that's what made him smarter than the people who thought they knew everything! Sometimes people will know they're not "book smart" but then they'll go on and on about how much common sense they have while I make a jerk-off motion with my hand, usually directed into my open mouth. I'm the kind of smart that isn't book smart or common sense smart! I'm the kind of smart that most people wouldn't categorize as smart at all!

Christopher and Fatima decide to get bombed on the edge of a bombed out pool.

Is it ironic that Fatima is Muslim and she drinks? She also kills. She also has loads of sex outside of marriage. I bet she even draws pictures of Muhammad. Which--let's face it--isn't the big deal some people would like to make it out to be. Just because a religion has a tenet that followers should respect doesn't mean somebody outside of the religion has to respect it as well! That's arrogant bullshit. It's also just an excuse for assholes to kill. It's like when a drunk guy at a bar keeps bumping into you aggressively and you finally say, "Hey, dude. Chill." Now that you've confronted him, you've given him an excuse to punch your stupid face in! And he feels like he's in the right because you fucking started it, man! I doubt most Muslims even care if a non-Muslim draws a picture of Muhammad. Just like how I can tell my Christian friends the joke about Jesus not being able to walk on water now because of the holes in his feet. They won't kill me for telling that joke but they will groan and probably walk away because it was in poor taste. I should save jokes like that and my drawings of Muhammad for my secret atheist meetings where we wring our hands and snicker maniacally while planning the downfall of all earthly religions! Actually, the wringing of the hands is just to get the Cheetoh's dust off of them and the snickering is usually because we just blew up one of our friends in Call of Duty and the planning the downfall of all earthly religions is just not thinking about religion at all. Or at least hardly ever in the context of destroying them. I think about religion a lot because I'm fascinated by it. Plus I was a literature major so I have to know The Bible to get 90% of the allusions being made in practically everything written before 1945. And a whole lot of it after that, too!

Although now I'm rethinking that bit where I tell that Jesus joke to Christians. I bet if I told it to the wrong group of Christians, I could be endangering my life! Because a lot of people have that double standard in their own minds where they believe violence is wrong unless it is justified. And what justifies violence for any single person is completely different depending on their beliefs, their passions, and their time spent in anger management classes. I would justify violence against anybody who might harm one of my pets. Or somebody who puts on a voice and says to me, "Fatty fatty two-by-four, can't fit through the bathroom door."

You know why I think drawing a depiction of Muhammad is so offensive? Because it represents one of the biggest splits between two of the People of the Book, Christians and Muslims. While Christians seemed to ignore the whole idol worship thing and went off to basically found their religion on the worship of a man (who was possibly the son of God although probably really just a prophet and/or lunatic), Islam proclaims idol worship to be one of the greatest sins a person can commit. So Islam went another route and declared all depictions of prophets and, well, anybody, really, were considered idol worship. Which makes sense if you're a prophet and believe Allah is the guy to concentrate on. You'd go out of your way to tell people not to paint pictures of you, the prophet, which might eventually get held up above Allah. Just as happened with Christians and their worship of Jesus. So basically Muhammad was taking a huge dig at Christians! He was pointing out how backwards they got it and didn't want Islam to fall into the same trap. Ban the iconography and less attention is pulled away from the whole "there is no god but Allah" refrain.

Why did I take that digression?! Those are topics for my secret writings and not my public comic book writings!

This should be published in the newspapers alongside the other strips every single week. Because this is all you need to know about life.

Fatima and Christopher talk about 9/11 (Does that confuse pretty much the rest of the entire world? Are children of other countries going to hear it called 9/11 and believe it happened on the ninth of November?). Fatima admits that the only problem she had with US sanctions against Iraq when Saddam was in power was that she couldn't masturbate properly. I think. She says she couldn't get batteries and I don't know why else a woman would need batteries. They never get to operate the remote control, right?! Brozingo! That joke time traveled from 1984.

Near the end of their time hanging out, Christopher shows Fatima an old fertility idol he was given by his predecessor. And now I'm glad I got into the digression because Fatima takes it, and looks at, and admires its beauty, and suspects it's an old god, and then tosses it in the crater saying, "There is only one god. And Muhammad is his prophet." So see? It all came together in the end! It should mean something.

The Sheriff of Babylon #4

Another fantastic blurb that coldly dissects a comic so that the reader knows that the frog isn't just a frog but a package of disgusting parts nobody fucking wanted to experience in their free time just so the reviewer could sound intelligent, and then calmly tilts the empty corpse into the bin while the reviewer goes off to suck his own dick.

I realize that the above caption is sexist but I'm not a big fan of the phrase "goes off to eat her own pussy."

So now that I've read the blurb, do I really need to read this comic book? I now know what it's about! And even if it isn't about that and about a whole bunch of other things (which it fucking well is but who am I to tell anybody how to read this book?), my mind is now attuned to this fucking reviewer's interpretation! "Hey fellas! Here's a bit of hip triv ya might not have ever considered before in your slap dash life of Facebook video games and daily perusal of slightly smutty young person Instagram pics! Did you know war makes people rich?! Hey-O! Wisdom, bitch! Blowin' yer mind, ain't I?! Good? Evil? Sometimes--get this!--you can't fucking tell which is which! WHOA! BOOM! DEAD!"

Here's my blurb for the series so far: "Who told you comics were supposed to be fun? Wrap your lips around this fucking downer, assholes!"

Just to clarify: that was a positive blurb!

Lastly, I'd just like to say Tom King is a writer. A fucking real deal writer. He isn't just writing monthly scripts to fill pages because comic books are middle stories that don't really exist in the traditional narrative mode. He's writing stories that have a reason for being told with characters that act from personal motivation and not because the plot demands them to act a certain way. This guy has that thing people call chops. I think. Is that a thing?

Also the art! Mitch Gerads kills this book every month. Murders it dead.

Just to clarify: that was a positive sentence!

The Sheriff of Babylon #3

"Each scene is more unexpected than the last!" Is that praise? If that's what makes a great story, I can write the next Great American Novel! I can write a story where every new scene is completely unexpected!

Did you know this comic book captures the volatility and cynical realpolitik of post-invasion Baghdad? It totally does! It also evokes the aesthetic and pop-philosophy of the neo-post-racial movement of the post-post-Cold War Era zeitgeist! And if you think it doesn't then you're not being intellectually honest with yourself! Also you're probably dumb! But I'm not because I used the phrase "cynical realpolitik"! I mean, I stole the phrase from the wanna-be smarty pants who works at The Guardian who is probably super bummed that their name wasn't included on such a super smart blurb!

I wish I could describe this comic book in words that would make NPR types nod their heads while making contemplative sour faces! But I can't! I also can't read poetry to throngs of middle-aged white people in any kind of serious voice as if I'm handing down the meaning of life with nuggets of racial guilt!

What I can say is this story is about people caught up in a whole lot of bullshit that they most likely never wanted to be caught up in at all! But then governments don't make war with any thought about what individuals are going to have to deal with in the cynical realpolitik of the post-invasion!

The Sheriff of Babylon #2

OH! All I have to do is declare this is a 10 out of 10 to get a blurb on the cover! Okay! "Ten out of fucking ten! Big ten right here! So goddamned 10 out of 10 I shit myself!"

I like stories. Stories are good. Stories are better when the writer is a good writer like Tom King. Stories are much better when you don't see the name "Cullen Bunn" on the cover of the comic book. If you don't see that name, it is a fair shot that you will be reading a good story. If you do see that name, you should sprinkle holy water infused with garlic on your eyes and then say Bloody Mary five times in a mirror. It's the only way to be certain that you won't read something terrible.

I hope Vertigo uses my blurb for one of the covers! Fingers crossed!

The Sheriff of Babylon #1

Well if Warren Ellis blurbed all over the cover, I have to pick it up, right?

This is a story. It's being told how a story should be told. It's using the comic book format in a comic booky way that the bad comic book writers don't understand. They think writing comic books is filling the narrative with narration boxes and letting the artist do whatever the fuck the artist does. This story has no narration boxes. This story lets the pictures tell half of the story. This story is by Tom King.

What I'm trying to say is it's captivating. So far. I mean, it's only getting started! This is like the denouement. Except for the beginning of the story! So maybe the prenouement?

I can't wait to find out who Lon is and why he needs a sheriff to watch over him instead of a babysitter.