Green Arrow Rebirth #1

Green Arrow's new sidekick is a Traci Lords blow-up doll?

The Review!
Ben Percy's Green Arrow is a message from a white guy who desperately needs validation as an ally of...well, whoever needs an ally, I guess! I suppose he sees a lot of himself in the character he's writing. Green Arrow wants to help but feels, because of birth and circumstance, he's somehow outside the movement for social change. But he's still going to use the tools he has to help! Green Arrow uses his gadget arrows and Percy uses his sledgehammer. I mean his writing pen! He just utilizes his pen like a hammer. I can see a lot of ways in which I might begin liking this comic book but first Percy has to get out his dictionary and look up the word "subtle." Then he should read the entry. Then he should reread the entry. Then he should write five thousand times, "Racism is bad," just to get the need to keep saying that in the comic books out of his system. I suppose if he reaches one person who didn't know racism was bad when they picked up this comic book, he's done his job! I just wish he'd do his job better and be more entertaining. Still, this is a step in the right direction because there could be some fucking in it soon.

The Commentary!
I'm not sure I can handle another Green Arrow story where I learn racism is bad. Percy is beating me over the head with it so much that I'm beginning to rebel against the idea! I'm beginning to think, "Percy's writing is bland and uninteresting which means I'm probably racist!" I was once called a racist by a complete stranger so maybe I am! A black guy asked me for a dollar while I was walking my bike off campus at San Jose State years ago. I said I didn't have any money and he called me a racist. I replied, "Whatever you want to think." And he replied with "What did you say?" and began coming at me. I just got on my bike and left. I suppose I could see his point. I was coming off of a hoity toity state college campus with a beat-to-shit rusty ten speed I was borrowing from my mom and yet I still refused to give him a dollar? I can't believe that guy thought I was racist because I didn't give him a dollar! Sure, I thought he was a dirty vagabond that probably had mental health issues whom I was a little bit afraid of! But his skin tone didn't have anything to do with any of those thoughts! Those were just my usual lower middle class biases against itinerants!

I don't mind being called names, not even a racist. Because I just think back to the great words of the mighty Blue Falcon: "Taking offense at thoughtless words is juvenile!" That's also a strong argument to disregard me if you're a creator whom I bash in my reviews! These are just thoughtless words! Most of them really thoughtless!

The issue begins reminding readers that Rebirth is a change of tune and an acceptance that characters are not what they were but are now what they were. I mean...well, you know what I mean. I think. Anyway, the first two pages make sure to point out that Oliver Queen is once more a liberal minded protector of the downtrodden with a goatee. In other words, New 52 Oliver Queen is no more! We're back to the Oliver Queen who doesn't mind giving a dirty street urchin hundred dollar bills.

This sums up Percy's run on Green Arrow nicely. Love me, Tumblr! Love me!

I don't think Otto Schmidt, the artist, got the message that this comic book is for Tumblr though. Because when Black Canary is introduced, he goes all in on a major Butt-Boobs Showcase.

Despise me, Tumblr! Despise me!

Okay, so her boobs aren't quite as showcased as her butt. But she's still in the proper, anatomically uncomfortable stance!

Black Canary is in Seattle for something music related, probably. And while in Seattle, she discovered a homeless kid in a sewer who needed her help. She and Ollie take the kid back to Ollie's place to get him cleaned up and discover that his mother was taken by people who live in the sewers. Oh no. Is Seattle going to get a huge, nonsensical underground empire like Gotham? I think there are already too many similarities between Green Arrow and Batman. Although a Court of Owls would be more fitting in Seattle than Gotham, I think. Also Seattle does have a weird underground city thing going on. Although I don't think it's full of Mole Men.

Forget the New 52 Green Arrow you may have become accustomed to because he's dead and gone! And good riddance, I tell you! Even if the new Green Arrow is going to beat me over the head with how fucking problematic I am, I'm glad to see the old one go. Black Canary makes sure to mention that Green Arrow has a reputation among the other heroes of "loud-mouthing [his] moral outrage, complaining about elitism, racism, cronyism, conservatism, any -ism, all the isms." So feminism too?! What a jerkbro! She mentions all of this to point out that he's a hypocrite because a white man with loads of money obviously can't be against bad things. Although is conservatism really bad? Sure, some aspects of a philosophy that wants to remain in a traditional vain will certainly butt up against forward change. But that isn't all conservatism is! I'm having a hard time coming up with some of its positive qualities but I'm sure there are some!

I hope Green Arrow tells Black Canary how he spent a week as a Werewolf and now he knows what it's like to be a minority! That'll shut her up!

Yeah! How dare you make wild, baseless accusations against her based on gossip and hearsay! She'd never do that to...oh wait. Never mind.

Black Canary and Green Arrow argue about who had the worst experience in their past to shape them into being a better person and I think I completely lose the will to ever masturbate again. Is this what being a hero has become? Is this how people make a difference? They having pissing contests about who's opinion matters more because they've had a harder time in life? Fucking get over it and work together to help this kid, you narcissistic assholes!

The homeless camp (which is basically an Ewok village on the edge of Seattle) is suddenly overrun by Moloids. Black Canary says one of the stupidest lines a comic book character has ever said ("This is what it sounds like when your ears bleed." With a period. If that didn't deserve an exclamation point, what does?!) and Green Arrow pauses for a moment to feel his heart go pitter patter.

The Moloids are having a slave auction later, so Green Arrow and Black Canary decide to team up and fuck after they stop the auction. It's underground because Gotham isn't the only city that gets to have a vast, unimaginable network of caves causing constant sinkholes and the inevitable collapse of the city. Although that's frankly exactly how Seattle is! Underground ruins and a failing infrastructure!

"I thought I would do something that everybody is doing because it was popularized in a movie so I could figure out the unique person I truly am!"

Ollie and Dinah follow a trail of Moloid blood that leads not to a Moloid hospital but the Moloid slave auction. The auction must be the event of the season if it's to die for!

I wasn't serious about Seattle having its own Court of Owls, dammit!

The Moloid with the arrow through his leg trailing blood behind him has come to the auction to warn the others that heroes are following his trail of blood to the auction! I guess Moloids aren't known for their smarts.

"I don't know who you are or what you're doing but I'm going to completely debase you." Sounds like a Twitter Mob attack. I guess Ollie really is a Social Justice Warrior.

Oliver and Dinah stop the auction but now they're going to have to hunt down the people behind these slave auctions. Until then, it's time to fuck! Too bad the comic ends before they even kiss. Although it's close!

Batman Rebirth #1

The Review!
I don't actually know if I like this book because I haven't read it yet. I really hope to like it. I go into everything with the expectation that I will enjoy it. Okay, not everything but then I don't count comic books I don't enjoy simply because I read all of DC's books, good or bad. So some of those I know I will hate. Although I do often pick up the newest Scott Lobdell book and think, "This is it! This is the one where Lobdell finally brings some passion to the characters! This is the one that will drive me to apologize to him for all of the nasty comics fueled by hours of reading his inane drivel!" Usually if I know I don't like something, I simply avoid it. I have no need to attack things I don't like simply because they're there. You know, like gun lovers who follow gun control tags on Tumblr. What fucking Douchéstorks those twerps are. Real lack of self-esteem jerkbros! Anyway, I feel like the majority of people who feel the need to express their opinions have replaced critical thinking with simply hating on shit. They think that deconstructing a work means pointing out why it's gross and problematic. I always felt one of the best times to deconstruct something was when it seemed inexplicable or terrible. That's when you pull out your Deconstruction Toolbox and get to work asking the question, "How can I find the silver lining in this?" Too often people just conclude something is trash because they initially didn't like or understand it. Or, and the internet has made this a widespread phenomenon, people simply react to a thing based on the reviews and word of mouth they've heard and/or read about that thing. No matter how entertaining it is when I tear out the asshole of a shitty comic book, just know that I'd much rather be enjoying the book. Also try and notice that I'm not above acting like something I'm thoroughly enjoying is garbage, if I think what I'm writing is funny. What I'm trying to say is my reviews should not be depended upon and are barely reviews anyway. Take this first paragraph as an example. It has nothing to do with Batman Rebirth #1! And my next paragraph isn't going to get us any closer to beginning the book either!

The Commentary!
It's that time of year here in Portland, Oregon, where I can once again enjoy reading comic books outside! I practically have to because I live on the top floor unit of an older house and the attic has no ventilation system. So it fills up with hot air so that the entire place is sweltering well into the wee hours. I often lie on the couch sweating profusely pretending that I have the flu so that something makes sense. The owner and property manager have ignored all of my yearly requests for a ventilation system in the attic. One day, I will burn those motherfuckers.

Tom King is the new writer on Batman and I'm pretty fucking excited about it. Not only because The Omega Men was my favorite DC Comics book from the last year (which reminds me! I still have to read the last issue! But first, I must read the Afterbirth books!) but because Tom King doesn't clutter up his comic books with fucking Narration Boxes! He lets the art tell the part of the story that the art is there to tell! Some people enjoy Narration Boxes but I think they're crutches for idiots who need everything spelled out explicitly. "Not knowing what Batman is thinking is too ambiguous for me! Tell me exactly why he's doing that thing he's doing! Don't make me interpret the story with my own mind! The universe has meaning!" Bah!

The issue begins with Alfred out picking avocados when Duke Thomas stops by to inquire about the Robin opening.

That's Alfred's serial killer hand! This is symbolic! It's picking the forbidden fruit! I think it's mostly forbidden because do avocados grow on the upper East Coast?

It's spring and Batman is battling Calendar Man because the issue is going to go through the seasons. That's also symbolic! Calendar Man isn't the generic guy obsessed with the calendar like he usually is. Is he usually like that? What the fuck is his gimmick anyway?! He always knows when the armored car visits the bank? He never misses a television show he loves? He never has to look stupid asking somebody, "What day is this?" According to Who's Who, he picked the calendar theme because his name is Julian Day. I mean, not really, but that's what I got out of it. Anyway, I think maybe Calendar Man is still the generic guy obsessed with the calendar. I don't know what I was thinking. How different could his gimmick get?!

Later it's summer! The perfect time of year to do one-handed pull-ups hanging from a helicopter pad hundreds of feet in the sky! I wonder if Superman is ever jealous that Batman's alter ego is a sexy motherfucker constantly getting laid while he chose a clumsy journalist who seems to be a closeted homosexual with a thing for Superman, judging by his op-eds.

Did I forget to mention Bruce is in tiny, tight-fitting shorts?

Lucius has managed to recover Wayne Enterprises from the government which seems like a good time for Bruce to almost realize he's a character in a seventy year old comic book whose stories get repeated every generation (with a modern update) for a new audience. I'm forty-four years old so I can barely watch most television sitcoms or movie comedies now because they inevitably draw from old jokes that I've heard many times before. But I guess they're not for me. They're for the younger people who have yet to hear all of this same old shit. But that's why I adore great writers who don't draw from the easy well of recycled material. Give me a new take on something and I'll suck your dick any time you come to Portland for a convention! Figuratively, of course! I meant it figuratively!

Probably.

Come fall, Calendar Man has his winter face on. See?! I knew he wasn't the same old gimmicky moron! I was like, "This is a modern comic book! No way can anybody get away with a Calendar Man who simply changes costume based on the season! Or commits crimes based on the days of the week (however that works)! This is a cosmic Calendar Man! A mystic Calendar Man! A Calendar Man that is in inextricably linked to the seasons!" According to Bruce, Calendar Man is speeding up the seasons. Um, what? Does that mean he's sped up Earth's orbit around the sun? Because that's the only way that's going to happen! I won't accept any other comic book reason for how it was Spring on Monday and Fall on Wednesday! That's just...well, it is a comic book. I suppose I can accept whatever it tells me. I mean, the cover has a guy in a bat mask, for Christ's sake.

Batman has a new suit for Duke Thomas. It's bright yellow so I'm guessing he wants Duke Thomas to patrol the city with him as a bullet magnet. Duke is all, "Cool!" Dum-dum!

Duke's first job as Batman's new Yellow Canary partner is to count to two hundred and forty. I hope he can do it!

Not only does he do it, he counts one hundred numbers over his target! Whoa!

Batman destroys Calendar Man's Super Season Machine while holding his breath for six minutes in freezing cold water. Calendar Man changing seasons without changing the Earth's orbital speed around the sun? No way do I buy it. Batman doing the impossible? Totally buy it! Batman rocks!

Calendar Man molts every winter and returns better than before. Duke asks how he and Batman can keep up with that kind of advantage! Batman doesn't say, "Look. He's fucking Calendar Man. He started as such a super shitty villain that he's going to have to Rebirth millions of times before he can even hold a candle to the Jeezlycrow Batman!"

The issue ends with Alfred discarding the forbidden fruit into the Bathole. See! I knew it was symbolic! The fruit is rotten because Calendar Man forced the change in seasons and the tree didn't have time to make a proper avocado! Much like the editors at DC forced things too quickly with The New 52 and had to eventually throw it all away! Maybe!

This issue isn't subtle with its meta-textual commentary on Rebirth and comic book companies' penchant for rebooting. Endless cycles repeating, characters being reborn and updating to be a better fit with the times, seasons passing in days because only twelve comic books come out in a year! Maybe that last one doesn't have anything to do with rebooting. That's just the weirdness of time in comic books. But it still manages to comment on time and continuity within comic books. Continuity is impossible to keep straight when you have six month story arcs where only a few days pass in one comic book while another comic book has three stories in the same time with many months passing. Time in comic books is fucked and if you're so die-hard that you have to make it all work, you're eating rotten avocados. Just let it go, man. Let it fucking go.

The New Titans Annual #7 (1991)

Peterson: “You know what would be great, Marv?”
Wolfman: “A handjob?”
Peterson: “No! I mean, of course! But later! No, what I was thinking was a great new original story idea!”
Wolfman: “Does it have my Titans in it? Because I’d really like to get the Titans back into the story. It’s been ten months and only Nightwing as a Wildebeest and Cyborg as a braindead toaster have appeared! I miss writing jokes!”
Peterson: “Come on, Marv! Your best joke is Gar calling Cyborg a rust bucket and Cyborg calling Gar Saladhead! Comics have moved on, baby! They need drama! They need time travel! They need X-men! I mean, young super heroes working together to stop the past from becoming the future by time traveling!”
Wolfman: “You do know you aren’t working for Marvel, right? I know it can get confusing.”
Peterson: “Babe, you’re just going to have to grow with the business. This is the way things are now! The world loving heroes is out! People fearing heroes is in, Tight-Crotch! Change or move over, Beardy!”
Wolfman: “Well, can I at least give one of the Team Titans characters a rapey backstory?”
Peterson: “Of course! That’s practically mandatory, Sweet Nuts!”

The New Titans #79 (September 1991)

New editor Jonathan Peterson came on board The New Titans around the seventieth issue and was all, “Hey guys! I have this great new direction we can take the Titans!” As he said this, he kicked his copy of X-men with Cable on the cover under the couch. “Get this: time traveling Teen Titans from the future! It’s going to . . . ooooggglllerrrruuuggh.” That’s the sound of somebody coming in their pants. You might not be familiar with it because the sound effect isn’t used often in comic books. “Oh!” he exclaimed while squirming uncomfortably in his now sticky pants, “And the team leader’s name will be Jon! Get it! Like me! Plus we’ll bring back Phoenix from the dead!” After a long argument in which Jonathan kept insisting that he did not say “Phoenix”, everybody realized he meant Terra.

This makes about nine or ten issues without the Teen Titans in it. Okay, Nightwing has been in it a little bit. And Donna Troy just returned to be kidnapped by an unknown person immediately. And Cyborg is back but he’s lost all trace of his humanity and is just a remote controlled robot. It’s all fairly typical of the Slash and Burn tactics of a new editor brought in to revitalize sales.

The Officious Little Toad isn’t wrong.

But the thing is . . . I want him to be wrong. I want Officer Hall to be correct in his assessment that the Titans are heroes and they’re good for the city. It’s just that . . . they’re not. Marv Wolfman fucked up by writing story after story of the Titans being attacked by angry family members or butthurt villains during which large parts of New York were destroyed. I wouldn’t even blame the occasional attack on Titans Tower by a disgruntled second cousin of a member if the Titans occasionally helped the city. But they haven’t. They may have stopped one or two muggers and perhaps a bank robbery. That’s it.

According to Rebirth, Geoff Johns has decided that Watchmen’s grimness ruined the DC Universe because it was a critical success. That’s not Watchmen’s fault. Watchmen was a critical success because it was so fucking well written. Is Alan Moore to blame for DC Comics getting the wrong message and deciding that grimdark was where it was at, no matter how shitty the writing? Was Frank Miller’s Dark Knight to blame for DC deciding to make Batman dour and mostly unlikeable on a personal level? I don’t think so. I think this kind of shit by Marv Wolfman and others is what fucked DC Comics.

I wouldn’t mind a story about a vindictive Councilwoman trying to get the Titans out of the city if the previous stories were about the Titans being heroes. Then I could root for the Titans and high five myself as the Councilwoman got her comeuppance. But I have to agree with the Officious Little Toad and Councilwoman Alderman. The Titans are bad for New York City. If Marv Wolfman wanted to bring real life consequences into the DC Universe of heroes, at least do it in a way where the heroes aren’t so obviously dangerous and destructive. At least when Adrian Veidt destroyed New York City, he was doing it to save the world. The Titans just destroy it every time they have a spat with a relative.

I think this is the first appearance of the Trinity of Sin in a stained glass window in a church in Hollywood!


Captain Hall, proving that he's not smarter than the Officious Little Toad, makes the worst analogy ever.

If I started to tabulate the amount of times Councilwoman Alderman acted heroically to save the city from the Titans, I'm pretty sure she'd rack up a higher Hero Score than the Titans in just a few issues.

Starfire #12

Remember when all of these things happened?!

The Review or Whatever!
• This issue begins with Starfire's Vagina being more self-aware than she ever was when she was a member of the Titans.

• If writers could be bothered to think up better motivations for bad guys than "Let's kill the heroes who are an impediment to doing the crimes we never do because we're always just trying to kill the heroes!", maybe Starfire's Vagina wouldn't have this issue.

• I spent all day yesterday watching 1970s Celebrity Bowling on Decades TV. I'm willing to admit that if they were still running it today, I wouldn't be reading this comic book right now. I recorded several episodes featuring Charles Nelson Reilly which aired while I was at work and I am never deleting them from the DVR.

• Starfire's Vagina uses the phrase "I am truly blessed" and now I have to clean vomit off the cat. Sorry, Pelafina.

• The story is almost about Starfire's Vagina taking a shower but it's unpleasantly hijacked by a PSA on Multiple Sclerosis. The more you know, the more I don't give a fuck!

• I want to say I remember a time when people actually did real things instead of just feeling raising awareness and inspiring people were enough but I don't remember those times at all. I think those were in the 50s or something.

• After the PSA, there just isn't any room to include Starfire's Vagina's shower. Well poop. Way to go, Multiple Sclerosis! You've finally found a way to affect my life too! Now I see why everybody wants to cure it!

• Starfire's Vagina kidnaps a dolphin from the aquarium. I mean, she liberates a dolphin from the aquarium. I forgot I'm an animal lover more than a capitalist for a second there! Fuck aquariums! Down with the man! Suck off a dolphin!

• Starfire's Vagina soon discovers she has no job, no boyfriend, no place to stay, and the sheriff thinks she's a danger to the community. Since everybody suddenly has an aversion to Starfire's Vagina, she decides it's time to leave Key West. But first she throws a beach picnic for all of her new friends whom she will probably never see again once she joins the Teen Titans. Not because she'll be busy fighting crime but because she'll be busy fighting statutory rape charges due to banging Damian.

• Starfire's Vagina invites Atlee's Butthole to come with her but Atlee's Butthole's home is in Key West. Atlee's Butthole will probably be forgotten by everybody but me!

• *

• Superman's Machismo stops by to tell Kori he'll help her get settled with a group of superheroes whenever she's ready to leave Key West. He knows this really sour guy with a dangerous kid who might have a position open in a new super group he's forming!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #12

The covers for this comic book have been terrible lately.

The Review!
This issue wasn't as bad as the ones that came before. It doesn't suffer as much from Lobdell's usually rambling, filling-space style of story telling. Can it be that Lobdell is better at tying up stories than creating new ones? That makes sense. What we have this issue is the revelation that everything that's been happening to the Heroes for Hire has been The Joker's Daughter's plan to finish off Jason Todd once and for all. Her plan is to let people vote on Roy's death to make Jason feel bad and to make people reading the comic go, "Oh, I get it. Because DC had people vote on Jason Todd's death." Since this is the final arc, I imagine the characters won't be dramatically changing motivations anymore, so I'm able to actually trust the story more. We've settled on Jason Todd declaring he manipulated Roy into being heroes rather than the other way around, a revelation I'm sure will not be explained more in the final issue. And The Joker's Daughter is crazy and evil and has always been so. So I guess I shouldn't mind that Red Hood unexpectedly shot her last issue before she even showed her evil hand. All she had shown up to that point is that she couldn't let go of The Joker's face! Maybe when Lobdell writes his Afterbirth version of Red Hood, somebody will tell him every month that he's writing the last story arc because the comic has been cancelled. Then maybe he'll focus and write more coherent stories!

The Commentary!
I keep thinking I need to somehow give Scott Lobdell a completely clean slate once Rebirth starts. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get past my bias generated over the last five years of reading his apathetic scripts. I think I might have to Roofie myself before reading the Afterbirth Red Hood. I wonder if my friend Doom Bunny still has any Rohypnol. Don't worry! He's not a creep! He was prescribed the drug while in Japan because he has sleep issues. I think if he had tried to bring any back, he could have been arrested for smuggling drugs. Hmm, that answers my question because Doom Bunny would never do anything that might get him in even the slightest bit of trouble. He once got caught stealing campaign signs from a neighbor's lawn while in high school and he vowed never to be in trouble again!

I don't want to have to drug myself to read Afterbirth Red Hood, so I'll just meditate on it for a bit and release all of my cynicism and penchant for being terrible into the universe before I read it. Maybe with a clear mind, I'll actually enjoy Scott Lobdell's writing! Although I think I'd actually need no mind for that to happen.

Currently, Arsenal is being held by Iron Rule who are asking the internet if he should be killed. Of course the internet is going to vote yes. Roy does know that most people on the internet hate him now, right? Thanks to his constant and obnoxious narration of his life. I believe Scott Lobdell thinks Roy is hilarious. He's not. And if anybody reading this thinks he's funny, you should fuck off right now. I don't need dopes reading my commentaries!

First off, he wasn't doing stand-up. He was just rambling. Second off, only hacks say things like, "I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers!" Thirdly, thirty-three thousand people is not "the entire internet." Fifthly, when did Tara Battleworth begin thinking Roy was charming?

Now, I said the entire internet would vote to kill Arsenal but that's wrong. Obviously he still has his brain-dead supporters who somehow can't see how horribly Lobdell has damaged his character over the last five years. So some people would still want him to live. But that's me speaking about a fictional character. I'd like to believe that if this were a real event in the real world, people would be voting like crazy to keep him alive. Because most people are kind and wouldn't want to be a part of murder, no matter how abstract. Of course a lot of people would still vote to kill him! That's because a lot of people on the internet (and by "a lot of people," I obviously mean "young males" and "older males" and "the rest of the males" and "all of my exes") are dickhole's dickholes. But I don't think there would be enough negative votes to outweigh the good votes. Although the biggest dicks are the ones that seem to have the most passion, so they'd probably create some kind of algorithm to vote to kill Roy about one hundred times every second.

While everybody in the DC Youniverse is casually voting to kill Roy Harper (which I don't think they would really do because how many of them have to endure his Narration Boxes? That's why I want to kill him!), Barbara Gordon stumbles upon the site and gasps, "Holy fuck! This isn't the porn I was searching for!"

Babs calls Roy while Roy jerks off to Duella being hauled off in a stretcher. That's good violence! Red Hood mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter have a lot in common which I've talked about in previous installments of this absurdity. He's trying to save her and all that because he got a second chance and everybody deserves one. But he mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter both chose to wear the Joker's old face. Why the fuck didn't Lobdell focus on that element throughout this whole Red Hood/Joker's Daughter thing? Now that's interesting! That's where the story lies. Not in this faux Jason Todd looking for redemption by bringing it about in others bullshit. Because that fucking crap hasn't been sincere at all, as proved by Todd finally giving up on her and shooting her. That Joker link is what this should have been about! This is why Lobdell is a poor writer. In his writing, he misses more opportunities than he takes advantage of. Mostly because he's busy writing superficial nonsense to just take up twenty more pages each month. He hasn't fucking committed to these characters in the whole time he's been at DC.

This is how I always answer the phone. It stymies telemarketers. And my mom.

I have to say, I can't remember when I thought this comic book looked this good. I'm digging the small panels laid out around a few bigger panels. It's reminiscent of Grendel when it was drawn by those brothers. I forget their names. Let me ask Lord Google. Oh yeah! The Pander Brothers!

The Joker's Daughter is rescued by Iron Rule on her way to the hospital. She's apparently their leader. It's a good thing Jason Todd shot her then, isn't it?!

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't blame Bruce for not being there to save you when you ran halfway around the world on your own. Maybe if you'd made better choices, you wouldn't have been beaten near to death and then blown up. Maybe, Jason Todd, you need to own your part in your own death and stop blaming Bruce.

Looking at that picture, I just realized The Joker has most of his teeth on the right side of his mouth!

The issue ends with Jason Todd finding one of Roy Harper's Genius Rockabilly gizmos that is going to save Roy's own life. It's not revealed what it is yet because Scott Lobdell probably hadn't decided by the time he handed in this script. I guess we'll find out next issue! The worst part about having to wait until next issue is the realization that I have to read another issue of this.

Catwoman #52

Did Inaki Miranda forget that New 52 Catwoman's zipper was broken and could never zip all the way up?

The Review or Whatever!
Let's all give Frank Tieri a hand for taking on the responsibility of putting this cat down. It's been sick for a really long time. Maybe that's why Tieri's stories have been so bland and uninteresting. His style of storytelling is supposed to suggest the act of euthanasia! Damn, he's smarter than I gave him credit for! What a brilliant way to end Catwoman! Just bore everybody reading it until they gently fall asleep forever.

Catwoman's ex-boyfriend from her late teen years was introduced to the readership about one issue ago. He was apparently killed by Black Mask's father and the readers all went, "Oh. Okay. Whatever." Then it was revealed that the new leader of the False Face Society, White Mask, was actually Selina's old boyfriend, David! I'm assuming everybody exclaimed at the same time while rolling their eyes, "OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS!" Look, writers. We've all had enough of the thing where you introduce a new character and then you introduce a new mysterious bad guy and then they wind up being the same person. We get it. You can't introduce fifty new people every issue so that the reader won't be able to guess who the bad guy is. It's not like a movie where you can have a whole bunch of faces in the background and have them all speak one or two lines to the main character so that when the bad guy's identity is revealed, you can use the flashback of that one moment the hero interacted with them and have the hero go, "Oh my god! It was that minor nobody all along! GASP!" I suppose audiences are such that they feel cheated if a story has a mystery element that they never had a chance to guess. Even in the first season of True Detective, they had to have the casual run-in with the killer before realizing he was the killer. I prefer that a movie either acknowledge from the beginning who the killer is (Silence of the Lambs) or just let the identity of the killer be revealed when it's revealed without every needing to have shown the person earlier (I can't think of a movie that does this. Probably a bunch of paranormal slasher films?). Rarely have I found myself saying, "I knew it was the guy in the background tightening the bolts on the air conditioning unit in that scene where they were arguing about opening chess moves!"

Frank Tieri has decided that Catwoman should be a totally unlikeable character that nobody fucking cares about because he begins the comic with her crashing through a window while White Mask fucks two women (with his tighty whiteys still on, of course) and says, "So sorry to break up this little party, folks. Oh wait. I'm totally not." Really, Tieri? A not joke? I get that everything you write you've cribbed from some decades old source to help give your readers that feeling like they're slowly falling asleep in a folding chair while watching another school play where the kids shit all over the source material. Disrespectful bastards. Although now I kind of want to do an elementary school stage production of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Um, anyway, should I be happy that Tieri at least updated the "NOT!" joke by making it sort of a #SorryNotSorry joke too? No, no. Of course I shouldn't.

I'm left thinking, "I can't believe they've been reunited after all these years! Or, you know, after he was introduced one or two issues ago!"

Several years ago (according to the prologue of this story, it was fifteen years ago. But that was obviously ridiculous, so now it's several years ago), Selina and David were forced at gunpoint to demand thirty thousand dollars in cash to steal the Faceless Mask for Dick Sionis. I mean, they were being held at gunpoint by Dick who wanted them to steal the mask or die and Selina demanded thirty thousand dollars and to not die. Dick, being an awful negotiator, accepted the deal. Although Selina, being an ever worse negotiator, didn't get any of the cash up front. I have a feeling she's not going to get paid and David is going to be killed.

I know he's not really going to be killed! I just scanned in a picture of him fifteen years older! I mean several years older!

Back in the present, a new artist must have taken over and nobody told them that David was in his underwear and Selina had the mask off and was holding the gun in her other hand and had a gigantic television screen in the background.

Black Mask and his men interrupt the reunion as do all of Selina's Narration Boxes. Her boxes provide the same information that is in the artwork so I can't imagine why anybody thought they were even needed. With an image of Black Mask standing behind Selina with a gun pointed at her head, why do I need Selina's Narration Box of "Black Mask is behind me with a gun pointed at my back"? I realize that the reader can see Black Mask holding a gun to Selina! I sort of get that you wanted everybody to know that Selina knew it was Black Mask before turning around. But you took care of that on the other page with the Narration Box: "I hear the voice and I don't even have to turn around." Then you show the panel with Black Mask standing behind Selina and everybody fucking gets it. We get it! We don't need the other fucking box!

I'm fucking sick of comic book writers who should probably be writing something else. Your words do not have to be plastered all over the comic book. Just write the story that the artist should draw and write the dialogue. Maybe write a few Narration Boxes if something needs clarifying, or you're doing something where the words are from present day Catwoman layered over scenes from the past, or at least for some reason other than you can't let a page go without your fucking precious voice being all over the finished product. The product, the story, is your voice! It's a collaboration between you and the artist! Stop making the art less important than your needless words. It's a fucking comic book! They've been around for like eighty years! Trust that there's a reason for their longevity! Take fucking advantage of the medium!

Back to the past, David and Selina steal the mask. They never get their money because David decides to threaten Dick Sionis for more and gets shot. I'm going to imagine Dick was never going to pay them anyway and this is how it would have gone down even if David had kept his dick in his pants. As David lays dying, Selina is forced to leave before the police show up. She storms off saying, "I love you, David." Oh. Well now I feel silly that I haven't given this story the weight I should have been giving it. I didn't realize Selina was in love with this guy! Now the emotional impact of it all is beginning to overwhelm me!

Back in the present, Black Mask realizes the end is nigh so he begins the comic book explication. David's death was faked because Dick Sionis needed somebody to run his criminal empire in Europe. And who better than a thief he doesn't know who tried stealing from him? Perfect! So he convinced David to ditch Selina and come work for him. Oh no! But Selina loved him! Such tragedy!

I wonder how many dozens of people in Dick Sionis's organization were miffed that he hired his new manager from outside the company? Not cool, man.

Black Mask allows Selina to leave David to die just like his father allowed her back in the past! And she does! Again! Ha ha! She leaves for the same reason as last time too! Because the David she knew and loved is dead. Then she steals the Faceless Mask on the way out because it was just lying around, I guess, and that's the end. Catwoman wins again! Black Mask loses like the loser he is! And I'm left hoping this really is the final issue of Catwoman. I can't imagine any of the New 52 books are going past Issue #52, right? I know what you're thinking right now, nerds! You're thinking, "Well, Detective Comics and Action Comics are!" Shut up.