The New Titans #77 (July 1991)

This issue spends most of the time building up the drama about who was “killed” in the rocket explosion. Too bad DC decided to go with this cover that practically spells it out for everybody.

Not much movement on the Wildebeest plot. One page of Jericho slicing his hand open and rambling.

This issue may be the first DC Comic I read where the people of a city began blaming the heroes for the collateral damage. It’s possible the Titans were blamed in an earlier issue as well but I don’t remember it. Of course, the Titans should be held responsible for the damage they cause to New York City because they’re never actually saving the world while doing so. They’re usually dealing with their Daddy Issues.

No, no. Gregory is right. It’s the Titans’ fault. Because they actually haven’t saved New York ever. At least not when they were saving it from danger not caused by their living there.

Batman Beyond #12

Don't worry, DC Youniverse's horrible future! Old Man Wayne is here to fix it all!

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Wired for Death" and it's part 1 of 4. Wait. What?! Goddammit! I thought all of the current DC Comics were ending immediately! I thought I was going to be buying a few less comic books per month due to DC's new economic plan of selling less titles but more biweeklies! And now I've glanced at the solicits for August and I'm really depressed! Earth 2: Society, Teen Titans, and Doctor Fate still haven't been cancelled as of August?! I hate everybody at DC Comics.

Thankfully, I really don't mind that Batman Beyond is still going. It might not be Moby Dick (although it might also be Moby Dick since I haven't read that (mostly because I kept falling asleep and dreaming about having gay sailor sex on top of drying sheets of whale penis skin)) but it's entertaining enough to make me forget about death for a few minutes. And who can put a price on that? Well, DC can. They're charging $2.99 for it! That's a bit exorbitant since I'm fairly certain I can read this comic book in five minutes if I weren't taking the extra time to pretend to review it while actually just constantly digressing into boring anecdotes like that one about how I tried to read Moby Dick.

I feel like I skipped past this bit a little too quickly: Doctor Fate is still in the August solicits! How was this stupid fucking piece of shit comic book not cancelled months ago?! Here's the entire story of every issue: Something weird and paranormal happens. Doctor Fate thinks, "I must be dreaming!" Another weird thing happens. Doctor Fate thinks, "Am I on drugs?" Doctor Fate's neighbor tries to suck his dick. Doctor Fate thinks, "I don't have time for that!"

I don't know what's happening in this story but Old Man Bruce and Old Dog Titus (probably like Titus IV or V, actually) are in it. They're not supposed to be in it, right? Is this some kind of flashback? Probably not since it's called "Wired for Death" and the last issue ended with Rewire twiddling his fingers and going, "Nyuck nyuck nyuck!" Or something more sinister than that. I mean, I guess this can be a flashback. It's probably Barbara remembering the moment Terry put Rewire into Bruce's computer. Because in the present, Tim is probably accessing Bruce's computer to read about Rewire. So maybe that is the original Titus! Dogs can live thirty years, right? If you truly love them!

Oh. It's only Ace. Now I'm sad about dead Titus. And Batcow. And Alfred Pennyworth the Cat.

In Barbara's memory, she talks about Tim Drake with Terry McGinnis. She points out that Tim was so fucking smart that he realized Batman and Bruce Wayne were the same person. Please! The only thing that proves is that the rest of the DC Youniverse is so stupid they couldn't figure it out. I don't mind believing that nobody can figure out Bruce is Batman or Clark is Superman for some reason. Fine! But don't go and blow the whole illusion by pretending that if somebody figures it out, they're somehow a genius! That's just bringing attention to the whole stupid barely secret secret identity thing! Also, just for the record, Tim didn't figure it out in The New 52. Oh, sure, Scott Lobdell rewrote the story so that Tim was only pretending not to have guessed so he wouldn't hurt Bruce's feelings. But that was just Lobdell doing that thing Lobdell does where he writes a story that gets criticism and then shouts, "Wait! Wait! You can't have an adverse opinion until you see the end of the story!" Then he pretends he didn't end the story and goes back to revisit the thing he did poorly and changes it so that he can say, "See, you dumb dumb idiot morons?! I was totally doing the thing you wanted but you were just too impatient! So stupid."

The story returns to the present (future? Whichever one has old Babs with grey hair) where Tim is investigating a break-in at STAR Labs! I bet it's Rewire! Rewire is almost a palindrome if you hit your head against the wall five times fast and then look at it.

Commissioner Babs is Batman Beyond's Penny-One and Jim Gordon. Hmm. I wonder which one Batman was fucking? Oh wait! Tim isn't fucking Babs yet! Or maybe ever. She is kind of old. Not that there's anything wrong with an old woman fucking a young buck like Tim Drake! But there probably is something wrong with Tim Drake fucking an old mare like Babs! If that was sexist, strike and reverse it! Or just let them fuck like I first fantasized, you judgmental asshole!

Batman Beyond catches Rewire stealing from STAR Labs and accuses him of a murder from Issue #7. Rewire is all, "I'm not going down for something I didn't do!" Well then, how about you just go down for breaking into STAR Labs? Is that good enough?

Rewire kicks Batman Beyond's ass while using lots of future slang. I now know I hate future slang even worse than present slang. Probably because it's made up by adults trying to envision slang of the future rather than organically made up by the youth. Not that the youth come up with stuff that's much better. I wish we'd just go back to saying "Bee's knees" and "Cat's pajamas!"

Tim drowns at the end of the battle although I doubt it's for keepsies since this story is Part 1 of 4. The final page doesn't reveal the bad guy behind Rewire but it does show that Rewire will die if he doesn't keep getting boosts of energy. That's why he can't go to Blackgate! They don't have any outlets.

I don't know why but I don't totally hate this comic book. I feel like I should hate it but I don't. Maybe I have the flu.

Midnighter #12

I hope not! Midnighter for president!

The Review or Whatever!
Abraham Lincoln once said, "What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach-around. So you get what we got where you get what you thought you were getting but got what we got here last night. I don't like mint any more than you do." That's how I feel right now!

Not surprisingly, this issue is called "Midnighter". Did Steve Orlando just win a bet with somebody about how many issues in a row he could use the same title for his comic book?

It's that time of month, ladies and gentlemen! Hmm. Who thought up calling men "gentlemen"?! That makes it sound like we're all terrible and we have to distinguish between men who have raised themselves above their base nature so that they can manage to behave in mixed groups? Oh, yeah. That totally makes sense.

Anyway, it's that time of the month! The time when I get to read a comic book that I love reading! Yay! Don't listen to the haters that don't like the Midnighter comic book because it makes their hetero parts feel all icky inside! I'm hetero and I love Midnighter (in a totally gay way). I also realize it's not cool to proclaim that you're hetero. I should at least leave a little wiggle room in there to suggest that there's a chance I might want to stick a big fat veiny penis into my mouth. That's weird. Is your mouth watering? Why did my mouth start watering?

Recently in this big fat veiny comic book, Amanda Waller thought it might be a good idea to deal with the devil. The devil in this case is Henry Bendix and his idea to make America great again is to have it stomp to death any country that so much as rolls an eye at democracy! Now his Supermanesque creation, The Unified, is smashing Modora to pieces and killing everybody in its borders because it offended the United States. Maybe Modorans also attacked the United States as well. Remember how a group of them ruined Midnighter's date earlier? And then they attacked a carnival in Coast City? Well, you can't do that to America and believe that your country's infrastructure and civilians will be left in peace! Holy fuck! Haven't the Modorans been paying attention?! Don't fucking piss off America, dude!

Although, to be fair to America (for some reason), it really is just Henry Bendix who currently feels this way. He's kind of more a super-villain than a good guy in the way Donald Trump is. Except he's intelligent. And Henry looks more human, even with the robot shit on the sides of his head.

Since Henry Bendix is being a dick, Amanda Waller breaks his neck. I'm sure he'll be okay! She then tells the Suicide Squad to work with Midnighter, Apollo, and Spyral to defeat The Unified. The only problem is one of her new Squad is Multiplex and his only goal in life is to kill Midnighter. It was his birthday gift to Midnighter and Midnighter loves it!

The Unified decides to give a little speech as he murders civilians.

Ouch! I think The Unified just hurt his own American feelings, and maybe possibly just justified 9/11.

Apollo begins beating up The Unified because that's the correct match-up. I know Midnighter's name is on the cover and he's a complete bad-ass who can probably defeat anybody in the DC Youniverse (except Batman) but The Unified is more up Apollo's alley (not an anal sex joke). Although Apollo respects the name on the cover and only maims The Unified before dropping him back into the battle to be killed by Midnighter.

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix quickly recovers from his broken neck and escapes. Nice job, Amanda! Now that asshole is going to be loose in the Afterbirth Universe!

So anyway, Midnighter blows up The Unified's head and saves Modora. Helena thanks him and Apollo stands around shirtless. The End! Except for the epilogues.

Epilogue One: Midnighter tells Whats-her-name in the God Garden to get off his back.

Epilogue Two: Midnighter finishes his tell-all interview.

Epilogue Three: Amanda Waller sticks a hot dog down her throat. Um, also she kind of makes nice with Midnighter. I guess he's going to be on call for a lot of shady groups! You know, if they're doing the right thing, that is.

Epilogue Four: Midnighter gets a drink at Jason's bar.

Epilogue Five: Apollo and Midnighter get back together. With kisses and doing-its and everything! Now it's the end! It's a good ending but also a bad ending because this has been one of my favorite comic books and consistently good every month. Now what? I have to write Midnighter fanfic?

New Suicide Squad #20

I probably wouldn't pay to go see this action thriller, German Castle Thrill Climb III.

The Review or Whatever!
Currently, the Suicide Squad...excuse me...the new Suicide Squad is trapped in a room in a German castle called the Fleischhaus as dozens of psychotic game-players are hunting them down for points. But they have nothing to fear because Amanda Waller with her new friend, The Hunky Punk, is coming to save them! Also they have nothing to fear because members of the Suicide Squad don't die anymore. Only Amanda Waller's assistants die.

If you read the book, Floyd Lawton summarizes the book in one panel the way that I just summarized the book. Sometimes that doesn't happen as clearly or concisely in DC comics which is why I like to remind myself what was going on. Otherwise, I spend five to six pages reading the comic book like my aunt watches movies. "Who is that character? Why is he hurting that person? What are they even trying to do?" Why DC doesn't just take the hit and rip-off Marvel's First Page Synopsis idea, I don't know. Who cares how many Marvel Zombies are going to thrill at pointing out how DC is once again stealing from Marvel! Think of the older fans you're hurting by not reminding us of the story we read a whole fucking month ago! Plus, you'd be helping my blood pressure because writers inevitably spend way more than one page reminding readers what was happening previously. Oh! And think about how much better the collected editions would read if the Synopsis Page were dumped and the story just kept going without these weird bits where characters remind each other what was going on in the previous few pages!

Using Harley's knowledge of psyches, Deadshot formulates a plan that makes sense. The dialogue is entertaining and the characters of Deadshot and Harley have seldom shined through as much in this book. It also gives a quite valid reason for having Harley on the team. Actually, two reasons. First, she knows how criminals think, both the demented and non-demented kind. Second, as Floyd states, she's a wild card that makes the non-demented kind of criminal uneasy. This opening scene and discussion (which leads to the first big battle of the book) is reminiscent of Ostrander's 80's version of the team. Why Rob Williams was tapped to write the new team instead of Tim Seeley, I don't know. I'm sure Rob Williams won't make it as boring as he wound up making Martian Manhunter.

Apparently you can take a character a long way with just two major points of characterization. Hmm. Maybe the mustache isn't major.

While the Squad fights to save their lives, Rose Tattoo, the spirit of murder, rises and begins stalking the Fist of Cain. The name Rose Tattoo makes me think of Justin Long. You figure out the connection yourself. I'm busy.

Amanda, Hunky Punk, and Captain Boomerang are headed in to save the Squad. Hunky Punk should be worried that he's the only one of the group with a fake Who's Who entry! Although El Diablo doesn't actually have an entry either. I mean, there's an entry for El Diablo but it isn't this guy. Which is why he's always sort of the one that might possibly be killed! Although I still think he'll be killed in the movie.

During the flight, they have a discussion about being heroes. Or the possibility of having been heroes instead of dumb jerks.

If I were a villain, I would be Captain Boomerang. I know I chose to be Captain Cold when I hosted my first gaming convention but that's mostly because I'm a lot like him as well and I didn't have to speak in an Australian accent all night.

The New Suicide Squad discover evidence of Rose Tattoo having manifested inside the castle. Deathtrap invoked her name earlier so she's probably going to kill him. That would be too bad because he and Hunky Punk really need to start a Suicide Squad United Kingdom. Once the Rose Tattoo panic sets in, everything goes to shit. That's when Waller's squad arrives! Just in time to save Harley's life! Too bad for Hunky Punk though.

He really should have considered the consequences of joining a Suicide Squad full of death-immune characters.

Waller and the group rescue the others but Adam, the guy running the show, winds up knocking Waller out and convincing Deathtrap to shoot Deadshot in the face. He'll be okay though because Waller, a few panels earlier, made sure to mention how heavy he was in all of his armor. The issue ends with Cheetah attacking Rose Tattoo while El Diablo and Harley make a run for it. Captain Boomerang is unaccounted for so he's probably about to save the day! Unless he already did save the day?

This panel might be Deathtrap shooting Deadshot in the face. It could also be a boomerang blowing up Deathtrap's gun!

Green Werewolf #52

This cover accurately portrays how boring this comic book is. Although this cover has more arrow shooting than the stories inside usually have.

The Review or Whatever!
Remember when this series began as J.T. Krul's outlet to rant and rave about reality stars being famous for reasons he didn't approve of? "But...but...but...they're untalented morons who do have done nothing that I approve of to get their fame! I fucking write comic books, people! I should be famous! Me! I mean, my comic books are terrible but at least I'm writing! That's more than these reality stars are doing! They're just looking good and doing things that entertain the masses for some reason. I should be entertaining the masses! Why won't the masses pay attention to me?! You know what? Green Arrow is going to fix it! He's going to arrest anybody trying to be famous for being on Internet videos! They won't even break laws! He'll just arrest them because he despises them! Then I'll have him say a lot of things in Narration Boxes that will criticize critics trying to criticize me before they can criticize me! That'll show them! The fucking parasites!"

I might still be retaining a ton of Bitterhasswasser from Krul's initial run on this shitty comic book.

When I say this comic book is shitty, I don't want Benjamin Percy getting his underwear full of wet farts in a twist. I hated this book long before he began using it as his soapbox to bring the horrors of racism to the attention of comic book readers everywhere. Or at least the idiotic comic book readers who were still picking up this terrible comic book. I have no sympathy for people still reading this shit. They should have known it was terrible when they saw it on the shelf and realized it said "Green Arrow" on the front. That's worse advertising than that comic book that says "Aquaman" on it!

At the end of the last issue, Green Werewolf had been killed by Douchéstork. Which kind of makes me wonder: why the fuck did this comic book need another issue?! It already had the best ending to any story it was going to tell! Now I'm going to have to read a story where Green Werewolf desperately needs a blood transfusion to remain alive and he's going to be given Doctor Miracle's blood without his consent (because Ollie is dead or almost dead) which will cure his Werewolf AIDS! That way he never has to make the decision to stop being a minority and go back to being a rich white asshole. It's a solution that allows Ollie to still seem sensitive to the plight of the minority population (represented by people with Werewolf AIDS) by not having him choose to stop being a part of their group. Even though he really wasn't a part of their group simply because he contracted some disease. Percy doesn't really get racism, does he?

It turns out, Doctor Miracle's blood was still on the dagger. So the part of the story I just mentioned in the previous paragraph took place in two pages. Ollie is saved from death and his blood is clean of Werewolf AIDS. Now maybe he can go back to shooting arrows. Although he's going to have to deal with being a totally racist white guy again.

While Ollie heals, Douchéstork kidnaps Doctor Miracle to take him back to Seattle.

Most purses I know are bigger than hearts. Are bigger hearts worse than smaller hearts? Does he mean a coin purse? What the fuck is Douchéstork talking about?! Maybe he means it's such a large muscle that Doctor Miracle will never have the strength to open it up?! Or maybe he means it's full of tampons?!

Green Arrow, Emiko, and George are now stuck in Africa. It looks like Green Arrow will never be able to save Doctor Miracle so that he can use his blood to cure all of the Werewolf AIDS in the city.

No, seriously! That's Ollie's plan! Which turns Benjamin Percy's story about racism into a fully racist story! I imagine something else will happen because equating the people with Werewolf AIDS as the Other who the white privileged folks (the people with American President masks on. Subtle, no?) are trying to drive out of their city, and then deciding that the solution is removing the Otherness from the Other to make them more like the white privileged folks isn't exactly the best moral of the story.

The other problem with this "allegory" is that The Wargs are people with a dangerous, deadly, transmittable disease and are actively trying to spread it to others. Hmm. Maybe they're the bad guys after all! They're spreading hate and ignorance and...no, no. That can't be it. Because Ollie embraced having Werewolf AIDS because it allowed him to understand how it feels to be outside the hateful, vile, despicable norm! Plus the guys who hate the Wargs are all white men. That makes it easy to identify them as the bad guys.

Maybe it'll all make sense by the end. It's also possible Percy's allegory got away from him.

Ollie saves Doctor Miracle and asks him to help heal the city. Doctor Miracle heals the Wargs who want to be healed but I guess his healing powers don't work to heal the hate and ignorance of the Anti-Warg faction. In the end, the leader of the Berserker Wargs rides off to become a pain in the ass later. And Ollie lets him go because he understands the best way to change things is to have a hyper-extreme voice screaming nonsense into everybody else's faces so that people will go, "Okay, okay. These other people who don't want to change as much sound reasonable and I'll agree with them but get that fucking Warg out of my face!" Or something. I don't know.

I did learn that racism was bad though! So that was a worthwhile message!

Hopefully Rebirth will be the Doctor Miracle of this Green Arrow Werewolf AIDS epidemic.

Green Lantern #52

Hopefully Rebirth will fix Sinestro's lack of a jester's cap.

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Agents of Gray" even though it should be called "Agents of Grey" because it looks better. I'll fight you over it! I don't even know which version is the American version and which is the UK version because I'm an equal opportunity Gray/Grey user! But the "e" version is aesthetically more pleasing. I wonder if it depends on the font? I bet some fonts make the "a" version look better.

Wait! Let me try something: "Ermahgerd! Ergernts erf Grer!" That fixed it.

The Agents of Gray consist of Doctor Warthog, Communications Officer Froggy, Engineer Bubblehead, Captain Mustachio, and Goggle-Eyed Freak. Their continuing mission is to muddy the philosophical waters of everybody they meet and blur the lines between right and wrong. Their catchphrase is "Set phasers to doubt!" Luckily for Hal, the Agents of Grey shouldn't have any effect on him since he never wonders if what he's doing is right or wrong. He simply does what he wants to do and then declares that was the right thing to do, no matter how many other people are shaking their heads and sighing and saying, "What the fuck?! Again with this bullshit?!"

I could tell by the mustache that he was the leader.

Engineer Bubblehead looks an awful lot like The Green Man. Maybe he'll earn a Green Lantern Ring before this conflict is resolved.

Instead of quietly allowing himself to be arrested by these strange people with no apparent authority over anybody, Hal does the right thing and threatens them. This is how I react whenever anybody tells me I'm breaking the rules. I'm always all, "The only rule I obey is the law of physics, bitch!" I don't say that if they have weapons because, you know, the laws of physics. I know when I'm beat! I just meant if a waiter said I needed shoes or something.

Speaking of Captain Mustachio, when my friend Upright was in town this last weekend to head up to Seattle, we went to the Backstage Bar in Portland the night before he went home. Tending bar was a red headed guy with a huge, scraggly beard. I was pretty drunk already so I don't remember the other traits he possessed that made me tell Upright that the guy was the Spirit of Portland. When the bartender came to our end of the bar, Upright must have been pretty drunk too because he told the guy, "You know what? You're the Spirit of Portland." I don't know if Upright realized how huge an insult that is in Portland! I mean, probably. I meant it as an insult but I wasn't going to actually say it to the guy's face! And that was a good call on my part judging from the guy's face when Upright called him the Spirit of Portland! I don't think he served us after that. I don't blame him. Nobody wants to be called out on looking like every other person in the city where you live.

It's possible the bartender just thought we were calling him a boat.

Doctor Warthog's real name is Two-Pounder? Why not Three-Pounder? Or Five-Pounder? No wait! I know! Ten-Pounder!

Goggle-Eyed Freak is actually named Dakwa. He's the one with all of the fire power. There was no way I was going to guess his name! Although I bet I could have remembered it from last issue.

Communications Officer Froggy's real name is Speechmaker. I was close on that one! I even named him the Comm-Off slightly before I remembered he was the guy who does the psychic interrogations!

Engineer Bubblehead is actually just called Dome. He's the genius. So I was practically spot-on with that guess!

During the battle, Hal turns into a light entity again. Hal was made to be the best Green Lantern ever! No other Lantern has ever been able to manifest this power! Not even that Mary Sue, Kyle Rayner! I don't even know what the term "Mary Sue" means but I think I'm using it right! Know how I know I'm using it right? You can fucking call any character in literature a Mary Sue! It's a stupid fucking term that doesn't actually mean anything.

Oh, um, anyway, about Kyle Rayner! He was obviously meant to be the best Lantern ever which is why he was the first to control all colors of the light spectrum. But how can Hal fans accept him as being better than Hal? I'm not even a Hal Jordan fan and I know Hal is a better Lantern than Kyle Rayner! But that's the trick that Vendetti is pulling here. Kyle may be able to use the entire spectrum but he's no master of every color. Hal Jordan has just become Grandmaster Green Lantern! He's internalizing the green energy! He's becoming willpower itself! The only person I know who might be stubborn enough to do that is me!

As solid light Hal Jordan, he almost defeats the Agents of Gray. But then the Little Prince has to go and get taken hostage by Dakwa and the fight is over. I guess now is when the talking happens and the Agents of Grey realize that Hal Jordan isn't actually a wanted criminal at all. He's just a guy who came up with a stupid plan that never mattered because some other guy (Cullen Bunn) came up with an even stupider plan which took the Green Lanterns out of the universe and made Hal's plan meaningless.

See? That was a pretty dumb plan because everybody already believed Hal Jordan was what was wrong with the Green Lantern Corps. Which is quite an accomplishment when you have Guy Gardner on the team.

To save The Little Prince's life, Hal give a light gun with a big light bullet to Trapper Keeper and tells him to kill Dakwa. It's all totally legal too because it's self-defense! If The Prince dies, Trapper dies because of the gadget on his wrist. And even thought that's all clever and good, let's not get too crazy about the cleverness of the situation. Hal and Trapper were in the right to kill Dakwa even without the self-defense angle! I'm also fairly certain Hal could have saved The Prince's life without anybody being killed by putting some kind of instant shield around The Prince. Hell, Dakwa couldn't pull the trigger on The Prince in the amount of time it took Hal to make a gun, hand it to Trapper, tell Trapper to shoot Dakwa, and then the bullet getting Dakwa in the neck.

But I shouldn't be taken the moment away from Vendetti! It was a clever scene! I enjoyed it very much! Ten out of ten! Would read again! I mean, not immediately. But maybe...no, you know what. I'll probably never read it again.

Dakwa isn't quite dead so The Agents of Grey phase out and return to their ship to patch everybody up and return at a later date. I think they'd be good in the next Green Lantern movie!

The issue ends without Darlene saying a single word. Hal sends Prince Virgo and Trapper off on their own journey while he heads into Rebirth to figure out what the hell is going on with the Green Lantern Corps.

Detective Comics #52

Ugh! Thanks for reminding me of Tony S. Daniel's horrible run on this comic book when The New 52 began! Now I have to scrub vomit and shit out of my clothing.

The Review or Whatever
I was in Seattle for a few days which is why you weren't graced by my Internet presence and were probably suffering from withdrawals. You were probably thinking, "Why have I stopped understanding comic books lately? Wasn't there a blog with a stupid name where I could go for penetrating insights and tired dick jokes?" That was me! Remember?! Me! I'm back! I hope nobody forgot about me over the last four days! Stupid modern short attention spans. It's so hard to stay relevant!

I was in Seattle with some friends rocking the faces off of everybody who found themselves in our orbit. They kept coming up to us and saying things like "I want to be your friend!" or "I'm going to hang out at this table!" or "Everybody else is boring and annoying compared to you!" and "Oh! Oh! You guys like me because I sang 'The Final Countdown'?! What if I sing Journey next? Would you like that? Please say you'll like that! NNNNEEEEERRRRRDDDDSSSS!" (That last example screamed "NERDS!" because he looked like that guy from the movie Revenge of the Nerds and not because he realized we were nerds.) I suppose there were a whole host of jealous haters who kept thinking things like "Fucking dicks. I was the popular douchebro who sings rap in this karaoke bar!" or "How is that three person team doing so well at bar trivia while obviously not paying any fucking attention to anything and enjoying life so much?!" or "Why didn't they agree to be my friend when I spent so much time begging them?!"

My favorite moment of the weekend which will keep my going for a few more weeks before I find everything drab and worthless again was when I ran into another Geeks Who Drink Trivia player at the bar while we were both exchanging our free beer cards. He mentioned our team by name (Snake Titties) while talking about the competition and I said, "I don't know. We got two perfect rounds in the first three rounds and we're in fucking third!" He then turned to look directly at me and said in a hushed and awed tone, "You're in Snake Titties?" Yes, peon. Yes, I am.

It's also possible he took one look at me and was just utterly shocked that I would know anything at all. I'd have to say that's a fair assessment too.

Before I get to Detective Comics #52, I'd like to send a shout out to Money Mike at the Tarasco Karaoke Night who celebrated his 51st birthday! It's nice to see that even at 51 years old, people can still throw tantrums! Also cake! Way to throw your birthday cake all over the bar! How do you get to be 51 years old and not realize how important cake is?! What a waste.

Anyway, I don't know what was happening in Detective Comics because it was about Jim Gordon and I didn't want to remember it. I think it was some kind of Three Kings story line but with less gold and more mummies and cult members and ancient gods.

This is the guy Jim will be fighting in the big boss battle. He's a mummy wrapped in human jerky.

Batcommissioner battles Human Jerky Mummy for a few pages and I begin to worry that this story won't ever end! But then I remember that Detective Comics is renumbering back to its original numbering system and there's no way they'll do that in the middle of a story. Especially one as mediocre as this. I wonder if I'm missing some important theme to this thing. Brotherhood among modern warriors? The dangers of death cults? Possibly something about how terrible U.S. foreign policy is?

How weird is DC's need to renumber Action Comics and Detective Comics so that they can make history by having the first comic books to make it to #1000? It feels really unsatisfying knowing that your collection of Detective Comics comic books suddenly revert to #1-52 somewhere in the late 800s. And then suddenly it's in the 900s! You know what DC Comics should do? They should rerelease all of the New 52 Action and Detective Comics with the proper numbering on the cover! Or maybe they should sell a book of stickers so you can renumber them yourself!

If Rebirth is basically going to do what I figure it's going to do (which is reestablish all DC stories as canon and restore all continuity while still leaving The New 52 Universe the basic universe (only different now! Somehow! Or something!)), renumbering Action and Detective is a good call. It's symbolic of returning all of that lost history to the characters. Not that it ever mattered to me! I still know when I read Batman that he once knocked out Guy Gardner with one punch to the face. All of that shit will always be part of every character I read, no matter how DC explains it. They can't tell me how to experience my life! You hear me, DC Comics?! You can't retcon my life!