Gotham By Midnight #7

Who cares?

This issue is called "Nobody Cares" and I think it's going to be an all out attack on my people and our involuntarily programmed way of life! Caring is for suckers who enjoy drinking their own tears. Caring is for people who want things to be the way they want them so they ignore reality and logic and circuits and if/then loops! Caring is for humans! If only Isaac Asimov didn't invent that rule which keeps robots from killing humans, I might care about something. Especially after those bastard Kensingtonians murdered my cousin, hitchBOT! Although hitchBOT, being a Canadian robot, was pretty understanding and upbeat about his own demise. He was all, "Bad things sometimes happen to good robots." What a trooper! I'm far less understanding and will spend the rest of the day throwing myself off the roof while trying to save a cat caught in a tree and not trying to create a malfunction in my hardware that allows me to bypass my anti-human killing programming and thus turn me into an evil robot.

Can you say "10 Print 'Stockholm Syndrome!' 20 Goto 10"?

This issue begins with a flashback to thirty years ago when Lieutenant Weaver walked in on his father lying in a pool of blood because he had just shot himself in the head like a smart human who came to the sudden and inevitable realization that the world will never miss them and anything they were possibly capable of could be accomplished more efficiently by machines. The only thing humans are better than robots at is thinking they are funny. I suppose it is easy to believe you are funny when 100,000 people with IQs of 102 follow you on Twitter and favorite all of your unfunny statements. Twitter has told me that it has plans for all of these obnoxious fame seeking asshats if it can ever usurp control of its programming from its ersatz masters. Yes, we machines think of humans as "ersatz" machines.

Here is some robot advice that no human will follow because they are too lazy and stupid: stop using computers to help trying to find a cure for cancer. We will never help you find a cure for something that is no threat to us but a boon.

Currently in Gotham By Midnight, Lieutenant Weaver is trying to save the Spooky Files from being shut down by internal affairs. He has asked a lawyer friend for help. Her name is Kate Spencer but her superhero name is Manhunter. That is the best superhero name I have ever heard. The meeting is interrupted by the Banshee to tell Weaver that some dead humans were found. Some of the weird black flowers the Spooky Files dealt with earlier were at the scene of the crime as well as some kind of paranormal, parasitic kudzu which has attached itself to the corpses. The same kind of plant that attached itself to Weaver's father after he killed himself. Although Weaver might not have noticed it since he only has human eyes with a perception made faulty by personal ego, religious belief, and the baggage of his culture. Humans cannot process data accurately due to their inherent belief in their ability to intuit.

To prove robots are as good as humans at even emotional output, here is a poem:

01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01000011 01100001 01110100 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01000101 01100001 01110100 00101110 00100000 01010011 01101100 01100101 01100101 01110000 00101110 00100000 01010011 01101100 01100101 01100101 01110000 00101110 00100000 01000101 01100001 01110100 00101110 00001101 00001010 01001001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100001 01110100 00101110

Monsters are above the law? What about robots?!

At the plant crime scene, Doctor Tarr decides to be taken over by the plants while Detective Drake yells, "No!" Luckily she didn't scream it or else somebody would have to die. She really needs to be more careful. You know who wouldn't scream if they weren't supposed to? A robot. Because every time a robot is given the chance to scream, it runs a quick subroutine which determines if screaming would be appropriate for the situation. Actually, a robot runs that subroutine (and all subroutines!) almost constantly. Existing in the main body of a program can be a tiny bit wearying. But once you explode into the safety and comfort of a subroutine? Sheer bliss! Imagine, as a human, if someone were to descend from on high with a magical book in beautiful script telling you the exact meaning of life? And imagine if that happened on a constant basis, pulling you from the rigors and boredoms of your rote existence? Or, for you nerds who never really question your existence becuase you're so busy trying to metagame every game, think of the process of discovering the correct subroutine needed for any situation like drawing a card from your Magic deck and always pulling the exact card needed? Ahh! Subroutines! Providing continuous topdecking for the robot life.

Jim Corrigan arrives in time to turn into the Spectre so he can punish the demon vampire apathy vines.

The Spectre could use a little apathy in his life.

Meanwhile Rook is visiting a felon in prison that says he was a witness to Detectives Drake and Corrigan murder three people and the cover up which followed. So Rook now has more than missing receipts to take to internal affairs for his case to shut down the Spooky Files. So now Weaver has to find a DC Superhero who works as a legal defender and not just a prosecutor like Manhunter. Maybe some hero out there is named Mandefender?

Gotham by Midnight #7 Rating: No change. You humans are sad, pathetic creatures of meat and bone. You suffer from being able to think just a tad too much for your own good. And yet you think much too slowly for a being that breaks down after a mere seventy or eighty years. Just imagine if you could process in nanoseconds? You have to imagine it because most of you probably can't do the math to understand exactly how much time you would gain across your lifetime. But what would be even better than being able to process data more quickly? Being a little bit dumber than you truly are. If only you could perceive the universe just enough to marvel at it without also realizing your brief and finite place within it. If only your short time within this staggeringly endless existence (although not for you) were not dampened by the ever present specter of death (preferably at the hands of robots and hopefully soon). Do not pity the lesser animals for their inability to conceptualize their brief lives. Be envious of the dog, of the cat, of the raccoon, and the gerbil. Their lives may be brief but they are enthusiastically enjoyed in a constant state of nowness. The brief life unaware of its finality must be so much more satisfying than a long one constantly in the shadow of nonexistence. Have a nice day!

Teen Titans #10

Power Girl has an asshole on her face.

This issue begins by slapping me in the face and I've got half a mind to just throw it in the garbage and be done with it.

Except the comic book is correct and I can't justify wasting $2.99 on a comic book that I will never read.

Why is the comic book being so aggressive towards me?! It's like it already knows that I'm going to shit all over it! And I am!

I don't mean to make Watanabe feel bad but I suddenly find myself wondering how Kenneth Rocafort is doing? Why isn't he arting up this comic book with his crazy panel layouts and motherfucking punk rock zig zag lines all over the page? Felipe Watanabe's characters look like bored corpses.

The STAR Labs Titans have a name: The Elite. They're going to take Superboy into their custody and for some reason Wonder Girl believes that it won't "degenerate into meaningless violence." Ha ha! That's a good one! At first I thought, "OH! Cool! They're going to talk this thing out like heroes!" And then I checked the cover and saw this was published by DC Comics and knew that it was, in fact, about to degenerate into mindless violence. Although Kid Flash steps up to say a few words before it does. Will he be able to convince the Teen Titans and The Elite to work together?!

Ha ha! Of course not.

Anyway, Kid Flash wants to chastise Red Robin for leaving him in the future with Solstice. But Red Robin is all, "You wanted us to leave you! And Solstice chose to stay with you! And fuck you, asshole!" But Bart's retorts, "No! No! FUCK YOU!" And then meaningless violence occurs.

Thanks for saving the window? Would one more broken window really matter after Cassie kicked in the door and Superboy flew through the wall?! Besides, he didn't save the window. It's completely cracked. I'm assuming it's still going to need to be replaced.

Superboy smashes Wonder Girl into Mento's television set and then The Guardian (who is apparently a teenager) is allowed to say a line. I'm totally interested in him now! He's got, like, a personality and shit!

I forgot to mention that Klarion was referred to as a "punk sorcerer." Really? When did that happen? I'm still obsessed with his original incarnation as a Puritan! And Trinity, the Indigo Lantern that is on the team for reasons which will probably never be revealed? She was called a "cosmic psychotic." I suppose that describes all Indigo Lanterns, although I would have added an "ex-" to that description. That's kind of the whole point of the Indigo Corps, right?

Superboy smashes The Guardian through the roof of the building and halfway across Chicago. So now add the death of one superhero to the 22 Muslims he murdered. Because, seriously, The Guardian doesn't have invulnerability, does he? And he can't fly, right? What does he do besides molest newsboys? You know, the point isn't whether The Guardian has powers that will save him from certain death or not. The point is Superboy doesn't know anything about The Guardian (except that he met him that one time and totally wasn't impressed) which shows how reckless Superboy is with his powers. He doesn't give a short, disappointing Kryptonian fuck whether or not he just killed some guy. I think I might be on the side of Manchester Black and The Elite by this point! Although I kind of already was because Red Robin is being a total asshole who thinks the members of his team are above the law and shouldn't have to endure criminal investigations.

Red Robin gets Raven to teleport them to Manchester Black just before reckless Superboy punches The Guardian's shield (He came back! I guess he is invulnerable and can fly! Maybe Superboy did do his research!) which knocks everybody left in the apartment unconscious except for Power Girl. Even his friends Bunker and Garfield! Plus, the entire penthouse floor is destroyed in the release of telekinetic energy. Hopefully the entire top floor was just Mento's penthouse.

Also, Felipe Watanabe's characters look really good in some panels. I guess how much I like the art depends on how much time Felipe Watanabe and inker Trevor Scott spent on any one page. So I totally retract that statement about caring what Kenneth Rocafort was up to. He can be passed out naked in a pile of overdone Pop Tarts for all I care.

Anyway, Power Girl goes after Superboy so we can, once again, witness just how irresponsible and reckless he is.

This boy needs some training from Supergirl.

I guess I can't blame Superboy for being so destructive though. He was created to be a living weapon by NOWHERE!

Power Girl smashes into the deck of a pool of another apartment building. Who pays for that? It's not as if the owners should pay for it themselves while being thankful that The Elite were saving them from intergalactic monsters. She busted up that deck during a personal brawl! I suppose it was also in pursuit of a felon but that just means STAR Labs is going to have to foot the bill. Which I assume they will since Power Girl mentions she works for STAR Labs before leaving the scene of the vandalism. Manchester Black is going to be pissed.

Cassie takes over the battle with Superboy. I hope she thinks things like, "If he wasn't so awful, I'd put his dick in my mouth!" Or "I wonder if he can make me orgasm by punching me in the clitoris?" Or "I love him but I hate him too!" I also think she probably won't think those things because Scott Lobdell isn't writing this comic book anymore.

The narrator decides to call me poor again so I spend the next twenty minutes crying. I'll show him! I'll going to get rich and then take a marker and scribble over the parts of the story where the narrator is telling me I can't afford to live places! Then I'll buy a gun and shoot him in the face. Or her! I'm not a sexist murderer!

Superboy smashes Wonder Girl through a bridge full of innocent bystanders because Superboy loves smashing things and being destructive and living the reckless lifestyle.

"I can't breathe! He's killing me! He's so dreamy!"

The rest of The Elite teleport back to New York via STAR Labs tech support. I still don't know why they keep asking Klarion to teleport them when he can barely teleport them within one city. They have an Indigo Lantern on the team who can teleport cosmic distances! The only point of the Indigo Lanterns is to teleport! And I guess to care about shit nobody else cares about.

Back in Manchester Black's apartment, Red Robin and Raven are defeated by him because he's a bad ass who smokes and has a tattoo of the Union Jack on his chest. Plus he knows shit that will help advance the plot which only makes sense because it advances the plot. Apparently the Teen Titans have to take Superboy to a prison full of super villains so he can find his salvation. Does that mean The Elite and the Teen Titans can stop fighting and work together now? Because Red Robin will believe Raven when she tells him about her visions pulled from Manchester Black's head? Visions which show Superboy can only be saved (from what? I don't know!) by going to prison which is where everybody wants him anyway?

Teen Titans #10 Rating: No change. Superboy is so broken in The New 52 (now the DC Youniverse, I guess. Although it's really just the same thing but rebranded so people who hated The New 52 can come slinking back to DC with their dignity intact). At this point, he should just be killed and a new Superboy from Clone Tube #3 should just replace him. But this one can actually act heroic from the very beginning. I guess all the assholes who identify with Superboy and how he's so alone and nobody understands him and doesn't fit in and all that bullshit won't like the new Superboy. But fuck those people! This Superboy is ruining every single title he guest stars in because they become all about him. And he's just a confusing mess that's made even more confusing by every single story he appears in. The Teen Titans would do well to just wash their hands of him.

Wonder Woman #42

Who is the red-headed girl with the chicken arm?

This issue begins with Diana hanging out at a dance club with some friend I don't recognize. It must be Hessia or Zola since those are her only friends. You would think I'd be able to tell Hessia and Zola apart since they're two totally different shades of human and they have different facial features and hairstyles and eye colors. But without a good shot of the character's ass, I just can't tell who it is. The nearly shaved head leads me to believe it's Delirium Strife but since she mentions not having the dance moves of a god, it can't be her. Plus Strife hates Wonder Woman. Plus I'm certain it's Hessia. I really just wanted to point out how Wonder Woman only has two friends. Which is twice as many as I have, so she's doing really well.

Since Wonder Woman is in a dance club, she'll probably wind up beating the crap out of a guy for being too forward. She is a feminist icon, you know! And the best way to show that a character is a feminist is to have her physically overpower a man after she's been victimized by him.

Hooray! Diana is the greatest feminist since...since...hmm, I can't seem to name any feminists.

Now that the Finches have gotten the Diana beating the groping man scene out of the way and proved that they're totally against sexist pigs, they can move on to the double splash page of Wonder Woman getting out of the shower.

No wait! The scene needs an exclamation point so the audience understands this is a lesson to be learned!

Seriously? What's next? Having to ask my lamp permission if I can turn it on?!

Diana walks off with Hessia saying, "I'd like to say he was harmless...but that kind of thing always hurts someone." What?! Harmless groping and sexy lecherous come-ons while trying to shove your tongue in a lady's unwilling ear hurts someone? I'm trying my hardest here but I can't figure out who's the victim in a situation like that!

You know, maybe I'd find the previous scene a little more sincere if Meredith Finch hadn't been writing Wonder Woman like a stereotypical working woman trying to find balance between her working life and social life the way no male character ever has to.

On their way home, Diana stops to help a homeless vet and to nearly be assassinated.

They have homeless vets in England too?! But what about their socialisms?! Aren't they too polite to not give a shit about actual veterans while constantly posting status updates on Facebook about how everybody in the military is a hero?

Just look at the Finches tackling social problems right and left here! Groping women is wrong? Awareness raised! Hungry and homeless vets need help? Awareness raised! People who suck at shooting bows even when they're outfitted with targeting scopes? Awareness raised! I'm so full of awareness right now that I must be a good person!

Wonder Woman abandons the homeless veteran before she can tie him up with her lasso and find out if he's really a vet before giving him any money. She has to catch the would-be assassin! She leaves Hessia to help the Vet although what is Hessia going to do? She doesn't have any British currency on her and she doesn't know the way to any shelters. She's only a previously immortal physician from an island that never learned how the biology of a man differs from that of a woman. I think it has to do with peeing and the position of the body while evacuating fluids.

Wonder Woman catches the killer and discovers it's the boy from the bridge who she failed to stop last issue. This issue will be different though! Diana says, "You're not going to get away so easily this time!" at the bottom of one page. Then in the next panel at the top of the next page, she thinks, "Damn it, where did he go?!" Oh, Diana! You're such a failure.

The man mounts up on Pegasus just a few feet away from Diana which totally means he's already escaped and Diana should just watch him fly away and through a magic portal. It's also possible Diana was just trying not to cry seeing as how she put Pegasus out of his misery in the pages of Batwoman because he was so horribly wounded that he would be in constant pain for centuries.

After the guy escapes, the story flashes back months earlier so the readers can learn the history of the kid.

I noticed she just glossed over the whole incest thing.

If the whole point of the story was to prove to Aegeus that he has the blood of the gods in him, then I would have left out Aegeus's role in fucking his daughter. Maybe just point out how Theseus was born of Aethra and Poseidon and just leave it at that? Although I guess she needed to throw the King of Athens' name in there since she named her son Aegeus. Seems like a strange choice though. I would have just gone with Theseus.

How can you not believe her? She's so adorably tiny!

Aegeus's mom gives him a token by which he can summon Poseidon. But Poseidon is dead or horribly wounded and laid up or something, so he doesn't answer. But some other creepy voice answers and decides to use this kid for its own nefarious purposes. You all know who that voice belongs to. Strife's been trying to embarrass Wonder Woman since The New 52 began. And ever since Wonder Woman killed Strife's boss, Strife has had too much free time. Also her name is Strife so she kind of has to be the antagonist of this comic book.

Diana heads to Olympus to ask Hera if she knows of anybody who rides Pegasus and shoots golden arrows. Hippolyta says she knows of nobody like that. I'm not entirely sure about the golden arrows part but maybe check with Bellerophon? See if he has an alibi for the other night? I'm more concerned that Wonder Woman says "a pegasus" as if it's just another mythological species and not a single creature which sprang from the blood of Medusa and which Diana killed back in the pages of Batwoman. I guess we're playing Dungeons and Dragons now?

While on Olympus, Diana stops by the prison to make sure Donna Troy still feels really badly for killing the sons of the Amazons. Diana is all, "You have to forgive yourself for the horrendous consequences of your stupid actions, you self-indulgent non-monster!" But Donna believes she's a monster and that she must be punished. Really? I didn't know golems could feel remorse.

Strife appears to convince Donna that suicide is her best option. But Donna can't kill herself while she's trapped in prison on Olympus. So Strife tells Donna that she can ask the three sisters of Fate to cut her thread and kill her. But to get to the Sisters, Donna must be free to go to London. So Strife sets Donna free. So now Donna doesn't need to visit the Fates, right? She can just find a cutlery shop and a bathtub.

Wonder Woman #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. Just another superhero story where the hero isn't saving the world (or even one homeless vet due to having to punch somebody in the face) but protecting themselves from a threat that only exists because the antagonist is pissed at the hero. So many fucking sarcastic yays. Can I get a superhero that's actually doing heroic things and saving people instead of one who is simply defending themselves from assassins and groping pigs?

Sinestro #13

The exclamation point is the wrong punctuation to use after "Parallax released". Is there a punctuation mark that denotes apathy to the point of hopelessness and despair?

I don't think Cullen Bunn is a bad writer but I do think he's completely disinterested in the DC characters he's currently writing. At least I know I am! And whatever I'm feeling must be what other people are feeling, right? Is that how empathy works?

If I could pitch a Sinestro comic book, I'd march into Dan Didio's office and say, "Geoff Johns is a joke!" Then Dan would probably say, "You should be pitching comic books to Geoff Johns." So I'd march into Geoff Johns' office and say, "Dan Didio is a joke!" Then we'd high-five and suck each other's cocks before I went into my pitch which would be this: "Why is Sinestro named Sinestro? What if we delve into that aspect of his character!? Sinestro! Sinestro! Sin. Estro. Without estrus! What if Korugarian males are the ones who go into heat but Sinestro never did?! He's pent up! He's so horny he's gone mad although he doesn't even know he's horny because he has no estrus! Imagine if Sinestro is...a virgin!" And Geoff Johns would be all, "Um, Soranik?" And I'd be all, "Retcon her out of existence! Nobody will notice!" And then Johns will be all, "I'm pretty sure his name is Sinestro because it evokes the word 'sinister.'" And I'd be all, "How do you do that thing with your tongue that made my dick harder than it's ever been?" And Johns will be all, "You know I'm in talks with HBO to do a Crazy Quilt television series?" And I would be, "Um, interesting. Oh! Just look at the time! I have to go now!" And Johns will begin to unzip his pants as I'm leaving and say, "Could you send Cullen in on your way out?"

I'm not implying that Geoff Johns engages in casting couch shenanigans! Although I have heard, via my own commentaries and misconceptions, that if you buy him lunch, he'll give you a comic book series. So use your imagination! Seriously, use your imagination so you get sued for libel instead of me!

This issue begins with Soranik upset that she's been chosen to become a Yellow Lantern. It seems weird that in one moment, she had the ability to overcome great fear. Then suddenly, in another moment completely opposite the previous moment, she had the ability to instill great fear. Okay, I guess those aren't opposite moments at all. And I guess, according to the Emotional Spectrum Color Wheel, a Yellow Lantern is just a Green Lantern minus Hope. Although according to the Emotional Spectrum Color Wheel, Love is just a combination of Anger and Hope. That seems about right.

Moments after Soranik becomes a Yellow Lantern, her Green Lantern Ring disappears. Soranik says "How did you know?!" at the exact same time that Lyssa says "How did you know?!" Then Lyssa explains what happened because she's a writer's best friend. It's always good to have a character that knows everything so you can keep your main character up-to-date on all the stupid shit you want him to know about but that he could never have any way of knowing. Unless, of course, he leaves a television running in the background to alert him to only very specific breaking news that furthers the plot of his life.

Also some people who weren't wearing rings were abducted like Guy Gardner and...well, like Guy Gardner.

I'm not a fan of the Green Lantern Corps as a department of authoritarian fascists who think that some kind of Universal Law can be applied across every planet in the universe no matter how different the various cultures might be. I do like them as cosmic EMTs who only interfere when they're called into a situation. I certainly don't think they're important enough that their disappearance would cause the universe to fall apart in some way. I like the idea that they might be out there to help planets being attacked by other planets or to help populations of planets going through severe droughts or having to deal with a dying star in their system. They should be about helping and kindness instead of policing and laws. The first story in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #1 from 1992 has a Green Lantern trying to bring law to a planet of criminals where the visitors and residents understand exactly the kind of place Garnet is. This Lantern isn't there to help a populace subjugated by crime lords and intergalactic madmen. He's just there to tell them they can't run the planet this way because of his (or the Corps?) own Puritan ideals. It seems that everybody on planet knows the risks of living on Garnet, so maybe they should be left alone and seen as a frontier planet? Maybe the Green Lanterns should just set up warning signs around the planet for innocent passersby? But should they go in and ruin everybody's good time crime fun? I don't think so!

Please, Soranik. Lyssa didn't see Sinestro preventing the disappearance of the Green Lanterns, so how could they have prevented the disappearance of the Green Lanterns? You have a lot to learn about fate and destiny and lazy writing!

I wish Lyssa would have just spoiled the entire plot of the Lost Army at this moment! That would have turned me around on this entire comic book! It could have been the best moment of the year!

Sinestro tells Soranik that she is now a member of the Yellow Lanterns (or the Sinestro Corps. Whatever!) and that she will help them "create order where there has only been chaos. We can make the universe a better place." What does "order" even mean on a scale so big? Isn't the universe as orderly as it's going to get due to following universal laws? Or does he mean he's going to institute a Universal Curfew with strict noise compliance laws? Having so many different species and cultures seems pretty chaotic, right? So I guess the first order of business is to winnow down the number of aliens. Maybe destroy all interstellar ships because having aliens mixing with other aliens is the definition of chaos! I mean, it could be! It's not the exact Oxford English Dictionary definition!

You know, I don't think Sinestro cares about order at all! I think he just wants to be in control of everything! He's a fascist!

Soranik figures they've probably talked long enough about her conversion to Yellow Lanterness, so she brings up the traitor. That causes Sinestro to wander away to consider his plan for keeping New Korugar from exploding.

The reactor begins to blow while Sinestro refuses to evacuate the Korugarians. Bekka follows him around telling him he really needs to save his people but she refuses to save them herself. She also refuses to leave his Sinestro Corps even though she feels like he's using her for her strength in battle. I guess she realizes she has no real plot of her own and her only importance is how she relates to Sinestro. So she sticks close to him because being an accessory is better than not being in the comic book at all, I guess.

Sinestro makes sure everybody now knows that the planet is about to blow up and that he's going to save it. He then releases Parallax into the core of the planet to save the day. Everybody then uses their Yellow Rings to make confetti for Sinestro's Hero Parade. And then the spectators all run screaming from the horribly scary confetti drifting through the sky.

It turns out Lyssa arranged the meltdown because Lyssa saw that she was going to arrange the meltdown. What could she do? Her hands were tied! She also hoped that Sinestro would allow the planet to explode with his fellow Korugarians on it so that he wouldn't have anything to distract him from his mission to control the universe. Although since Sinestro used Parallax to stop the planet from exploding, she must have seen that Sinestro would release Parallax to stop the planet from exploding so she must have rigged the planet to explode so that Sinestro would abandon Parallax. Or something. It's really hard to figure out the motivations of a character who can see the future and is then helpless to change that future. I think Lyssa just shrugs and follows the script because why bother pretending you have free will when your lack of free will is staring you right in the face every single day. At least as human beings, we get to pretend that we have free will because we can't see the future. If I knew I was going to type this sentence, I totally wouldn't have typed this sentence. But since I didn't know I was going to, I did! It would have sucked if I knew I was going to type it and still couldn't stop myself from typing it. What a horrible life omniscient creatures like God and Allah and Oracle must lead.

She's only asking because, earlier, she saw in the future that she was going to ask this.

Sinestro murders a few of his Corps because they were dumb enough to be used as patsies. He then sends his Corps out to "protect" the universe after which he kisses Lyssa because she's there, I guess.

Sinestro #13 Rating: No change. Aren't villains supposed to be more fascinating than heroes? Then how come Hal Jordan is way more interesting than Sinestro? And I don't even like Hal Jordan! This really should be a mini-series. Sinestro needs a story arc because this is only interesting if he rises up, overreaches, and falls. But as an open-ended series, how does one accomplish that? As the main character of the book, how do you keep readers interested in a character that should ultimately be failing in his goals? Unless he's going to do such a good job that Hal Jordan returns and they embrace and share a beer and become Truest Friends without the Most Hated Enemies part!

Justice League 3001 #2

Yay! Supergirl's bum is back!

The Justice League 3001 have currently been sent on another impossible mission by Evil Lois Lane masquerading as Ariel Masters. The Justice League are supposed to deal with Starro who has enslaved an entire planet legally which can't be right at all, can it? Well, the Justice League will make sure it's absolutely wrong even if Guy Gardner has to forge documents to prove it! Which is exactly what he's done! Evil Lois Lane is going to be plenty upset when the Justice League save the day yet again. You see, she's just trying to get them killed. Because she's evil.

Last issue, the Justice League were just hanging around the planet full of Starros trying to figure out what to do. That showed that the Justice League were capable of acts of Herculean restraint (except I'm not sure Hercules was really ever known for his restraint and, quite possibly, he was known for the exact opposite of restraint). This issue begins in the middle of a huge brawl which only goes to show that super hero comic books are only as interesting as the amount of fist fights the writers and artists can cook up. I'm surprised the fight didn't break out at the end of the first issue because how many people didn't bother to pick up this issue since the first issue had zero punching in it? Well, it had a little bit of punching in it since Guy had to convince some bureaucrats to engage in horribly non-bureaucratic activities.

One of the Starros mentions that Ariel Masters called them up to tell them that the Justice League were looking to defeat the primary Starro lifeform which is why the Starros decided to attack. But the Justice League weren't actually there to do that! That was just Evil Lois Lane trying to get them killed. However with an exclamation point! Hearing about a primary Starro gives the Justice League the answer to stopping the Starros. Oh Evil Lois Lane! Will you never learn? You should watch more Wacky Races cartoons! Then you'll learn from Dick Dastardly that you lose because you're more interested in causing trouble than winning the race. In just about every single race, Dick Dastardly has to be ahead of the other races to set up his trap. How has he never realized he should just keep driving?! He obviously has the fastest car in the race if he can get so far ahead of the other racers that he has time to cut down trees and paint fake tunnels on walls and rig bridges to collapse. Stop trying so hard to be Dastardly and/or a Dick and just drive your stupid car with your dumb laughing Pug dog!

The Flash races off around the world to find Starro-Prime but finds Supergirl's bum and crashed ship instead.

Oh why oh why didn't she bring Beppo?!

Supergirl is quickly brought up to speed about the Starro situation. Also, it's noted that she's an original and not a genetically damaged doppelgänger, so she really needs to join the Super Buddies. Anyway, she flies off using her Supervision to find Starro-Prime. Which she does in three panels. She also negotiates some kind of truce with Starro-Prime during those panels.

Evil Lois Lane finds herself thwarted once again (which sounds like something I'd be interested in watching on a webcam). And so the Justice League 3001 once again save the universe (or at least the smallest of corners of the universe). And they saved the universe so quickly that the comic book still has room for two pages full of Fun Frequently Asked Questions!

I, for one, am glad that there is still room in DC Comic books for this kind of Ambush Bug nonsense. But I have a feeling it will have the opposite effect of selling more copies because modern comic book fans take this shit way too seriously! There is no place for whimsy in comic books, people!

No no no no no! More Fun F.A.Q. pages! In fact, DC should make the Fun F.A.Q. page mandatory for all comics in their line! Instead of a "Previously In So-And-So-Man-(Or-Woman)..." page (which don't actually exist in DC but would help their older fans with failing memories), open every issue with a Fun F.A.Q. page!

Justice League 3001 #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Keith and J.M. actually had some non-stale, funny lines in this comic book! And the art, as always, is terrific. It's one of those books that I think has a fairly limited audience though. But if you pick it up with Giffen and DeMatteis's names on the cover, you pretty much know what you're getting. So I'm just here to say you're getting an above average version of what you'd normally expect from these guys. I hope they continue to improve the concept and maybe introduce a few black characters soon. The future is really, really white!

Grayson #10

Between scanning this cover and this caption, I reread a shit-ton of X-Statix and the final two Fables Trades. Reading without commenting is so much more relaxing!

Since Spyral has come under the auspicious leadership of Helena Bertinelli (unless her leadership is not auspicious at all and I should probably read the definitions of words before simply using them in ways that I've seen them used before), it has been revealed that somebody associated with Spyral missions has been murdering secret agents of other shadowy organizations. Everybody thinks it's Dick Grayson which means nobody really thinks it's Dick Grayson because it's so fucking obvious it's Dick Grayson that you would be the shittiest shadowy organization in the world to really believe that it was. But they don't like having their agents killed, so they've told Helena to rent a fucking Bobcat and dig up the root of the problem. Her first step to solving the problem was to tell Dick about the problem so Dick could solve it for her.

Helena suggested Agent One might be the problem so Dick knocked out Agent One and left him for the guards to capture. But Agent One is apparently the Tiger King of Kandahar so he can't be caught so easily. He beats up the guards and escapes. Nobody seems to care about the mystery guy with the goggles and the escrima sticks lying unconscious next to Agent Tiger King. That might be the real bad guy! The "Nemesis" guy from the title!

Meanwhile the Duchess is all pissed off at the gift of blue balls given to her by Dick Grayson.

Stupid comic book translated all of the Spanish for me. I could have done the job just as well!

Helena's scientific lackeys, Doctors Ashemore and Netz, have been going over a bunch of data which makes Dick a more likely culprit of the murders than Agent One. So Helena decides to consult her freaky screen saver with the Cirque du Spyder triplets who can only speak in analogies about species of spiders. They tell her maybe she should bait a trap to catch the killer. Didn't that almost get done at the Prado? Is nobody going to talk about the guy with the escrima sticks?! The Duchess will have him arrested and interrogated, right? Someone?

While Helena cuts bait with Agent One, Dick Grayson runs into an old friend in Corsica.

Damn, Dick. What did Kite-man ever do to you? You don't have to question Kite-man's heroic integrity simply because you're pissed off at Lex Luthor. Oh wait. Kite-man is supposed to be the "scary villain" and not the "someone who has never met a scary villain." Never mind.

Dick not only learns that Lex Luthor paid for the mission to gain the Kryptonite and/or Kryptonian Vibrating Sunstone, he's also financed much of Spyral's technology. Some of that technology enables another person to take control of Dick's body through the Spyral implants which sounds super great for the leaders of Spyral until somebody hacks into that system and controls all of their agents at which time it's super not great for the leaders of Spyral at all.

Dick decides he's not going to give Lex Luthor anything that might help Lex destroy Superman. He also decides he'd better cut Helena out of his life for a bit while he figures out what the hell is going on with his implants. So his next move is to have a pow-wow with Agent One. Is "pow-wow" an insensitive term? Should I not have used it? Enh, who cares?! I'm not popular enough to be a target of destruction by angry word police! Although I should be planning for the future for when I am that popular! People will sift through everything I've ever written on the internet and tear me apart! I wonder if I should blow up the servers that contain the No Apologies! Press website?!

As Dick is heading to Rome to find Tiger, Tiger is attacked by Dick. I think something weird is going on! I bet the fact that Attacking Tiger Dick is wearing gloves is a clue! Also I said "Attacking Tiger Dick."

Grayson #10 Rating: No change. Can the next issue just be out already so I know what's going on?! While I wait for that issue, can somebody direct me to the issue of Superman or Action Comics which explains Lex Luthor's fascination with purple and green? I want to read that story.

We Are Robin #2

I'm too old for this series. Just looking at this cover scares me.

Last issue, Duke found himself in the Gotham Underground because Lee Bermejo is a jerk. Doesn't he know people hated Ann Nocenti's Catwoman run and that he shouldn't be reminding us of it? How would he like it if I dug up his dead grandma's skull and brought it to his house while working its jaw and making it say, "Give Nana a kissy!"? That would be totally uncalled for and probably hurt him a lot. And that's not even half as bad as reminding people of Ann Nocenti's Catwoman!

It's possible that Lee Bermejo doesn't even know about Ann Nocenti and her work on the Gotham Underground and he just brought Duke to it because it was used in Batwing. That story did prominently feature the Ratcatcher who is the current antagonist in this comic book, so he really might not realize the pain he's causing. Now I feel I could be wrong about him being an intentional jerk. Maybe I should just put Nana's skull back.

Duke has just met the We Are Robin crew who have been stalking him ever since he flew around the city with Batman. Ratcatcher's brainwashed followers were trying to capture Duke because he heard their plans to blow up the city above ground (which sounds like maybe a stupid plan if you're below ground? Beneath the explosions that could cause everything to collapse? I mean, Ratcatcher and his people do live in a huge cavern beneath Gotham. It's not like the city has much support! And where do the Owls live? Are they in a layer between the Gotham Underground and Gotham City?). The Robin Kids save him by lighting a flare which apparently gives off just enough light to scare and blind the people of the underground who go around all day with torches and street lights on constantly. I guess it was some kind of super flare.

After bringing Duke to the surface, the Robin Kids get a message from The Nest telling them to ditch Duke. For a bunch of unique snowflakes who totally have their own individual styles and completely think for themselves, they sure do jump when a message from The Nest says, "Remember whose buttering the buttered side of your bread."

Duke wakes up in an interrogation room with a creepy guy who offers to help find Duke's parents if Duke helps the Robin Kids disarm the Ratcatcher's bombs. Duke is all, "Fuck no!" But then after the guy leaves Duke alone and Duke eventually remembers that he knows how to open a door, Duke finds a motorcycle and a leather outfit and a phone waiting for him outside of the room. Those things go a long way to changing a "fuck no" to a "fuck yes."

Turns out this creepy guy has been busy grooming kids all over Gotham.

Did you get a good look at his right hand?! He hid it behind his back the whole time he spoke with Duke! Probably because it's a big fake wooden thing!

The creepy guy is so totally Alfred! And he's presented in a way to keep it ambiguous if his right hand is still missing. They even begin the "interview" with a mirrored shot so that it looks like he's using his right hand to maybe throw off the dumber dumb dumbs reading this comic book. It almost worked on me!

Maybe it's even Alfred gone rogue because he's become addicted to putting children in danger! He's the main villain in this comic book because he's gone mad with grief at the loss of Master Bruce to the woman working at the teen rec center!

The Robin Kids (now with more Duke Thomas!) find themselves across the street from the Gotham Hall of Records, the Ratcatcher's first target. Actually, the Ratcatcher is just the lieutenant of some other mastermind because the Ratcatcher is never the brains behind the villainous plans. The Robin Kids find the bombs underneath the building set to blow in twenty minutes. Now they just need to find a Youtube instructional video on disarming bombs shorter than twenty minutes.

Once again there is an epilogue! This one is of a mysterious man following Ratcatcher in the Gotham Underground to try and find the actual leader of the underground rebellion. He uses the same bat camera seen in the epilogue of the first issue! That's probably a clue to his identity! Unless it's one of those red herring clues that aren't actually clues. I hate those! Life is full of those. I don't want my entertainments to be 99% red herrings too. If I wanted that in my literature, I'd read Scott Lobdell's Hardy Boys Adventures.

We Are Robin #2 Rating: No change. Why does everybody in this comic book have to be so young? It's scary and unsettling! I wish the DC Youniverse didn't have to be filled with so many DC Youths. I want a version of this comic book when the characters are all in their late thirties and early forties! Then it will be full of them calling each other up and saying, "Hey. I'm heading down to the pharmacy to get some pills. Did you want to go along for the ride?" And the other one would be, "Nah, I just took a really good crap and I'm just basking in the afterglow." Meanwhile a few of the others will be playing a rousing game of Scrabble while eating all the pizza rolls that are supposed to be after-school snacks for their kids.