Convergence: Justice League of America #1

Be careful, guys! Steel is a Manhunter and Vibe is a racist caricature!

Yay for the era when Zatanna used to wear a lobster on her head! And Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman all had better things to do, apparently. I think this was the era where they worked out of a cave somewhere as well but I could be remembering wrong. I seem to remember Manhunter Steel ripped apart inside of a cave headquarters. Plus the Doom Patrol took over their headquarters after they disbanded. I think? This was also the makeup of the Justice League of America when I was first got into comic books. That's probably redundant after all of the times I mentioned getting into comic books around the beginning of Crisis on Infinite Earths. And this week's Convergence books all deal with pre-Crisis characters.

Fabian Nicieza begins this comic book in a way that I would usually call "Lobdelling it" but I'll give it a pass this time because it's cute and clever and heart-breaking all at the same time.

Sue Dibny, you are missed.

Of course it's been a long time since Ralph has been able to kiss Sue since she was killed off in Identity Crisis. Fabian gives us the moment where they're reunited without either of them actually being conscious that this is a reunion. Ralph goes on to say it's been a long time since he was able to kiss her from the kitchen since he's stretching his neck into the bedroom to give her a peck. It seems this issue, unlike all of the others, is beginning the day after the dome fell. He might flash back to the moment it falls since he's probably mandated to explain the situation just in case readers of this book haven't read any of the others. I can't fault him for that although I wish the book could just continue from this moment and skip the whole Planet Brainiac announcement. Maybe one of the characters will just remember it over one page and we can be done with it.

Sue does the Narrating and she mentions the dome and the competition, so maybe that's enough! Chriscross also makes sure in the art that Sue's wedding ring is loud and proud which is a nice nod to a time when DC Comics actually allowed happily married couples. The Dibnys more than anybody else represented an ability to have a well-rounded, happy life as a superhero couple.

Elongated Man (who I can't wait to appear on CW's The Flash since Ralph Dibny was mentioned as one of the people who disappeared when STAR Labs blew up) meets up with the team at a local gym so they can prepare for their battle.

What?! No "ese" or "culo" or "maricón"?! Who is this Vibe?!

Elongated Man, Vibe, Steel, and Vixen get some quick training in as they wait to hear from Sue Dibny and Commissioner Gordon about any trouble. Ralph is also kind of hoping that they'll get some information from one of the team's big three. I guess he means Aquaman, Gypsy, and Martian Manhunter? Is Gypsy really one of the big three? Maybe he knows Wonder Woman is also in town and means her. Oh wait! He must mean Zatanna! Duh!

Sue explains that Martian Manhunter was in his human form when the dome fell so he was trapped as a human. I guess that also explains why Colossal Boy was stuck at twelve feet tall. And why Ralph Dibny's dick was as long as a firehose.

As Aquaman, J'onn, and Zatanna telepathically search for enemy minds, the building that Ralph and the others are in implodes. It was probably Vibe's fault.

When the Big Three Point One Four (that last bit is Gypsy!) arrive to investigate, they find a box with a button and a note that reads "Do not press the candy red button please." Zatanna, who three seconds ago said that something was interfering with her magicks, says a spell to protect her team and then presses the button. Idiot. When the button is pressed, the Big Three Point One Four wind up in a stasis field while their opponents appear from the Tangent Universe.

That's quite the crotch shot. I wonder if I email Chriscross, he'll send me his reference pic.

Sue Dibny jumps to quite the conclusion by realizing that this team must be from an alternate Earth. But she is Pre-Crisis, so they were probably facing alternate Earth threats all the fucking time. I guess it's a reasonable conclusion. Carry on.

The big guy on the team is Tangent Plastic Man. I bet in this Tangent Universe, he's actually funny! Ha! Burn!

The one with the flail tied to her head is Manhunter. The Ragman wannabe is The Spectre. The other characters aren't specifically named but one is a female Joker who acts an awful lot like Harley Quinn, one shoots atomic blasts, and the last one is a polite girl that can create illusions of herself.

Gypsy managed to stay out of Zatanna's stasis field so she's the last member active until Elongated Man, Steel, Vixen, and Vibe blast out of the rubble to challenge the Secret Six. It's at this point that Vibe acts like the caricature of a Hispanic gang member that he used to be when he mentions that he doesn't know what "tenacious" means and then calls the atomic guy "cafre." That's actually not so bad. At least Vibe can pronounce "tenacious" in this iteration of his character. Back in the early eighties, they probably would have had him say "tenaciouso!"

Convergence: Justice League of America #1 Rating: I must have completely missed this Tangent Universe bullshit although I wouldn't be surprised if going through my old comic books I find some issues from it. My favorite part about this Convergence issue was that it began everything post-Planet Brainiac's speech. I also think it did a good job introducing so many characters in one issue. It can't be easy to have this two issue Convergence assignment and be given a full team that has to battle another full team. Sue really was down on this version of the Justice League of America though. I know fans look at this team as a group of C-Listers but it seems wrong that Sue also thinks of them that way. I guess she's just being honest with herself. It's not like she was speaking the lines to their faces. Besides, any team that has J'onn and Zatanna on it is already a formidable group of heroes.

I sure hope Vibe doesn't die next issue! I was crossing my fingers when I typed that! It's hard to type like that.

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #1

Kyle Rayner doesn't exist! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I'm just going to sit back and read this comic book straight through without interrupting myself. Make yourself at home. Fix yourself a tea. Have a cookie.

I said "a cookie"! Since when have two handfuls of Oreos meant "a cookie"?! Now calm down and shut up while I read this comic book! Sheesh.

Well now that that's done, I don't have anything to say about the comic book! No wonder I write the commentary as I read it usually.

The story was about Guy Gardner trying to deal with his anger at being the unchosen Green Lantern and how he was called in to do the gig one time and was blasted into The Phantom Zone by a trap in Hal's power battery. Some of this anger is also at Hal for stealing his fiance while he was gone. So at the end of the issue, he destroys the last thing Hal cares about which is his machine he's been building to contact Oa. He's even left Carol after just six days of marriage because that's about when the Dome fell and he became obsessed with finding a way out. Then Planet Brainiac does his thing and Hal recharges his ring but refuses to let Guy recharge his ring. So Guy has to throw together a new costume so he can enter the tournament too!

Guy Gardner: Biker Warrior!

That's all there is to say about this issue so let's try something different. I just happen to own the issue that began all this bullshit that Guy is trying to deal with: "My Ring...My Enemy!" So let's do a commentary on that issue instead!

This was back when comic book companies didn't give a fuck about cutting covers straight so I have no idea what issue this is! But taking a look at the small print at the bottom of the first page, this is Issue #116 from May 1979. The story is by Denny O'Neil and the art is by Alex Saviuk and Dave Hunt.

The issue begins in the middle of the action with Green Arrow battling a huge eye floating above Star City. Now that's one opponent where I'd lay odds on Green Arrow! Arrows versus eye jelly?! It's a no-brainer! But Green Arrow figured he needed help since this is actually Green Lantern's comic book even if his name is on the cover in letters just as big as Green Lantern's.

What did the eye do to Ollie? Did he just start shooting at it because it was there? What a fascist!

Hal Jordan smartly uses his ring instead of waiting for an answer from Oliver. Why else would Ollie have summoned Hal with his big green arrow in the sky trick? So he could float around asking useless questions?

Green Lantern's light beam turns on him, wraps him up, and then flings him into a wall. While Ollie tries to wake him up, the scene shifts to the Arctic Retreat of Professor Ojo! He's a guy with a helmet with a webcam on top of it. He also has a fancy waxed mustache that is the envy of his assistant Minching. He has a plan for Star City but he won't tell it to his assistant and the Narrator won't tell it to me. Dick.

Hal decides that he needs to take the ring to Oa to get an overhaul. Oliver points out how "not smart" and "in fact" very "dumb" the idea of using a malfunctioning ring to fly through space is. But once Hal gets an idea in his head, no matter how not smart it is, it's as good as horribly executed!

I'm probably hallucinating this panel.

Hal Jordan left his most important possession, his Green Lantern Power Battery, on the front seat of his truck floating in orbit around the Earth. Sure, the truck was enveloped in a protective green bubble but you never know when some yellow skinned sneak thief in a yellow space suit might wander by. It seems pretty irresponsible. Hal picks up the lantern and leaves it in Oliver Queen's guest room where, I guess, he's been staying when not off in a convoy somewhere. Then Hal leaves for Oa. Or does he?!

"I didn't realize you were 'charging your ring.' LANTERN! Not on top of Granny's antique armoire!"

I like how the Narrator doesn't pull any punches. This is Green Arrow, kids! Oliver Queen is just one of his many disguises! Which, you know, is totally true. Just like Batman and Superman and the other heroes that I can't remember because they're not very popular, the heroic identity is their true persona. Even if they began life as some other person, they had to change the way they behaved when not in costume for a little misdirection. Batman isn't really a philandering scumbag! He doesn't even like sex! Imagine how much he must love Alfred to endure so much sex with so many different partners just to keep Alfred safe from the retaliation of Batman's enemies! And Clark Kent hates having to write article after article after article stroking Superman's ego, along with the thrice montly op-ed piece about why the world really, really, really needs Superman and all those jerks who don't trust him are dumb doody faces.

The reason Green Arrow freaks out isn't because he just realized that all of that "wax" on the top of the armoire wasn't wax but because Green Lantern is shattered into billions of tiny pieces and disappears. It's just a vision of future events though! Also it's a crappy vision because the artist draws Guy Gardner (who, spoiler, will be the one to fall for this trap soon) as if he were Hal Jordan. But don't worry, kids! It's not a misdirection at all! When it finally does happen to Guy at the end of the book, the artist will ignore how he's been drawing Guy correctly throughout the story and, once again, draw him looking just like Hal Jordan! See? Totally playing fair with the readers!

And then we find out another secret of Oliver Queen: he doesn't lock his front door!

Also, is that a picture of Superman over the living room sofa?

Since Oliver now has a guest, he decides that the mystery of Hal Jordan shattering into a million pieces can wait. Especially since he has another mystery on his hands: who is Guy Gardner?! Isn't the substitute Green Lantern a black guy who refuses to hide behind a secret identity?! I guess Guy doesn't much care about a secret identity either. And how did Guy know where to find Ollie? If I were Ollie, I'd say it's time to sit Hal Jordan down and define the term "secret" to him.

Guy informs Ollie that his back isn't broken anymore and that John Stewart is third in line for the job! While Hal is gone, Guy will be helping to defend Star City from floating eyeballs.

Do you get the feeling that whenever Green Lantern appeared in Green Arrow's book, the writer of that title made Green Lantern think self-deprecating thoughts to himself?

Isn't it cute the way Ollie pleads for Hal's quick return? So sweet! Also, if Hal returns, doesn't that solve the mystery of the shattered Green Lantern? Or does Oliver realize what he saw was just some kind of vision?

Meanwhile Hal Jordan's trip to Oa (by means of a space warp past your anus) is sidetracked by his wonky ring's UPS! He winds up on a desert planet, stranded and alone! Coincidentally, on the page opposite the desert planet, is an add for desserts! It stars Superman and ends with him refusing the Hostess Fruit Pies offered as a reward for saving some space picnickers. I bet Hostess was pissed that the comic didn't show Superman super enjoying their pies.

Back on Earth, Guy and Ollie head out to battle the flying eyeball. Once again, it doesn't do anything wrong so they attack it. But this time it fights back and nearly knocks a building on Green Arrow. Guy Gardner manages to knock Ollie out of the way with a monstrous green hand but when Guy blasts the eye, his beam of light flies around the eyeball and it gets away. Again.

Green Arrow is pretty upbeat for a guy who just let a giant floating eyeball escape his clutches two nights in a row.

Meanwhile on the mystery desert planet, Hal Jordan proclaims that he'd trade his ring for a glass of water. That's not the Hal I know! He'd never give up all that power! Isn't this the same Hal that's traded away Carol's love for the ring time after time?! Anyway, after Hal is sucked into some quicksand, he finds he isn't on some mystery desert planet at all!

I bet the Guardians will wish they'd remembered this plan when Hal actually comes to kill them in a decade or so.

The Guardians inform Hal that there is nothing wrong with his ring. It's as mighty and potent as it's ever been. But the receptacle in which he sticks it is the real problem. They give him a replacement battery which should make his ring strong and ready to go once more. They also tell him his old battery could be dangerous and it should be destroyed. Either the rings currently don't have the ability to communicate with the other rings or Hal Jordan is just a narcissistic asshole that doesn't believe a heads up to Guy Gardner about the dangerous battery is in order. Remember this moment, kids! Remember how Hal Jordan could have warned Guy about the lantern when we get to the final two panels!

So boredom is Hal Jordan's greatest fear? That's why Sinestro can never beat him. The only way to win is not to play!

Back on Earth, Guy goes out on his own to destroy the eye. He manages it easily this time. I guess Green Arrow was a liability. After he destroys it, Guy gets super excited to go charge the ring again. What is it about sticking a fist in that battery that turns these guys on so much?

When Hal returns, he finds Ollie and Dinah enjoying some coffee. Hal mentions that his battery was the problem all along and Ollie is all, "Oh yeah. That's what I figured even though I'm no deep thinker or nuthin'. I had a dream of you exploding while charging your ring." And Hal is all, "Are you sure it was me?!" And Ollie was all, "Is that another one of your stupid questions because you know, the way the artist has been drawing Guy, that it could have been Guy!" That's when Hal finally feels a sense of urgency so he breaks down one of the walls in Ollie's apartment only to find he's seconds too late to save Guy Gardner from years of justified anger and torment! Why couldn't Hal have warned him?!

Nobody to blame, my ass!

Thanks to Green Arrow, I now have a eulogy all set for whenever my father dies! "It's rotten. It's so rotten." Would it be suspicious if I threw in Hal's lines too? "The worst part is, there's nobody to blame. There's nobody to hate!"

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #1 Rating: I own a bunch of these Green Lantern/Green Arrow books even though I don't know where I got them. Probably a stack of comics from my grandfather when he use to collect newspapers and magazines to take to the recycling center long before recycling was cool. I'm glad I have this book though since it sets up Guy Gardner with the eternal chip on his shoulder. Not only is he pissed about this, he's also pissed off about being passed up as the Green Lantern of Earth due to Abin Sur's lazy ass ring that couldn't be bothered to extend its search for a replacement Lantern past a circumference of a few miles. You'd think after three and a half decades, Guy Gardner could have moved past this shit. I guess he has in a way. Writers just keep finding different reasons for him to be so fucking angry all the time.

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #1

Superboy and Legion of Super-Hero fans should stop reading right now!

I do not like Superboy. I do not like the Legion of Super-Heroes. Not because I've read every single issue of everything they've ever been in and come to the logical conclusion that none of it is very good. It's the exact opposite of that! I've never read any fucking issue of anything that these characters have ever been in (besides that Superboy story where he has to always have an extra candle on his cake and the New 52 Legion stuff. But I can't count those or else I can't say that I've never read any fucking issue of anything that these characters have ever been in!) and I've come to the logical conclusion that none of it is very good.

I know there are, for some ungodly reason, die hard fans of these characters. But this commentary isn't for you! I've tried to shield y'all once by telling you to stop reading! This is your final warning! I mean it! If you do, for some self-flagellating reason, decide to keep reading and subsequently get pissed off because I refer to Superboy as a fucking douche nozzle drenched in post-coital cummy vaginal residue for the sixth time in one paragraph, just remember that I warned you. I fucking warned you to stay away! Sometimes dead is better! You reap what you sow! The soil in a man's heart is stonier! This ground is sour! Fuck off, ayuh!

I once wrote a commentary on Voodoo where I mentioned I knew nothing about the Wildstorm Universe and said that I was drunk (which I was). I then proceeded to insult the fuck out of Wildstorm fans. Maybe I started off insulting the fans? Who can remember? I was drunk! But then I got called out for using broad strokes to describe a group of people that I admittedly said I knew nothing about. I subsequently felt bad (for unknown reasons). I no longer feel bad. If somebody reads this blog, which is often all over the fucking place, and enjoys 98% of it but can't keep reading because of the 2% that pissed them off, well...um...I'll change! I won't write that thing that offended you anymore! I'm sorry!

No! No! I must stand by every single thing I say no matter how facetious or silly or nonsensical! Every single thing I write in this blog is fucking fact! Wildstorm fans are drunk male lunatics that fist pump in the air after every page of shitty ass narration boxing by Grifter! Superboy fans are oversensitive whiny jerks who bitch at me for using the Superboy tag when I'm writing about Superboy! Because obviously the tag is meant only for their slash fan-fiction roleplaying jerkfests! Fans of the Legion of Super-Heroes are probably a lot like me because I imagine Legion read a lot like a Degrassi Junior High comic book and I probably would have loved that in my junior high school years when I still could feel love! But now I'm a dried up old angry bitter shell of a human being and if you ever think anything I write seems jolly, fun, or whimsical, you're wrong! I'm dead inside and I hate everything except hating things!

This issue begins with a new Fight Card! Of course it does! Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes being trapped in Pre-Crisis 20th Century Gotham City would be ridiculous even for a comic book! So instead, this issue takes place in Pre-Crisis 30th Century Metropolis! And they only have one enemy: The Atomic Knights of Durvale and their Dalmatian Fuck Buddies!

Did everybody else read this in Robin Williams' voice?

Oh! Oh! I know who you are and what you stand for! You're Superboy and you're a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E!

This Superboy was actually a living weapon created by Jor-el and female Jor-el. See, back in the Silver Age, writers wrote a lot of crazy shit. And one of the things they loved to write were kid versions of adult characters. Sometimes they'd make a new character as a legacy character. But other times they'd just write stories from the adult character's past. And sometimes, they'd fuck up and mix up the two so that a child character that was initially about the adult character somehow became a legacy character! I'm looking at you, Wonder Girl!

Was the creative team for this book chosen as some kind of Alan Moore spell to end the drought in California? Moore. Storms. Farmer? Maybe if we all read it at the same time, we'll succeed in casting the Weather Spell! Let's all promise to read the names of these characters on Saturday the 9th at noon PST, okay?! We'll change the world!

Yeah, dude. It's been 342 days and you've probably been telling them the same thing every fucking day, you fucking douche nozzle drenched in cummy post-coital vaginal residue!

Superboy spends a few pages telling everybody where every single fucking Legion member has been spending the last year. I think that means this is the only Convergence series that will be a 12 issue maxi-series instead of a 2 issue mini.

Superboy ends his speech by playing the Krypton card once more. Boo hoo! You lost your home world! You understand more than anybody what it's like to lose everything! Wah wah wah!

Oh wait. I think he's telling that story to be uplifting and inspiring and not to be a whiny little buttsniff. Sorry, Superdouche!

I just had a revelation! You know who might be the real superdouche?! ME! I know, right?! Mind blown! Enlightenment! Emotional growth!

Dude. She wants your dick in her mouth. Or her vagina in yours. I'm not entirely sure which one but you should at least stick around to find out!

The next page causes me to take a time out because it punches below the belt. Fucking asshole writers. When Superman says he misses Ma and Pa Kent, I don't give a shit. Big fucking deal. When he says he misses Lana, I take a moment to stick my finger way up my ass to get a nice, comforting scratch in there. But when he sits down and one long tear drops from his eye and he says, "I miss my dog," well...fuck you, comic book. Fuck you right in the fucking comic book face! I won't allow you to get me to empathize with Superboy! So I'm going to go in the other room and pretend it was something other than this comic book that made me cry! Fucker.

Okay! I'm back! I tore out the offending page so that I never have to accidentally read it again and flushed it down the toilet! Then I called a plumber. Then I sat through a lecture from the plumber about flushing comic book pages down the toilet. Then I had to console the plumber, who just had to read the page he fished out of the toilet, as he wept about his childhood pet Budgie. Then I had to blow him because I didn't have the money to pay the bill. Then I had to rinse out my mouth and brush my teeth. And then I came back to continue reading!

Invisible Kid interrupts Superboy's baby time crying jag by saying, "Mon ami?" Hey, Kid! This is 30th Century America! Learn Interlac already!

Invisible Kid and a fraction of the other Legion members need Superboy's help to go smash through the wall of Brainiac's lab.

Nobody in comic books has any respect for architecture. Or they just don't know that doors and windows open.

Brainiac 5 informs the others that he was just having a moment with his cousin or son or twin or whatever, Planet Brainiac. He then insults their intelligence which is hilarious because they're all 9th Level Intellects while he's a 12th Level Intellect! But 9th Level Intellects are smart enough to know they're smart so they don't yell back, "I am not stupid!", like stupid people would. Calling stupid people stupid is the best insult because they're not smart enough to not care about being called stupid by some arrogant asshole and they get super pissed off about it.

After Brainiac 5 shoos everybody out of his lab, Lightning Lass continues to hit on Superboy by telling him a story about her ex, Timber Wolf. The story is less about how she always thought she'd see him again and more about reminding Superboy that she's available for a pleasant afternoon of face fucking.

She's touching your ass, Clark! Go for it!

If Stuart Moore were to ever read this commentary, I bet he'd be screaming at me, "Pay attention to the theme of loss and loneliness, you oversexed dolt! Forget about the soap opera drama!" Unless he'd actually think, "I'm so happy somebody noticed how wet Lightning Lass was in all of these scenes!"

Lightning Lass gets tired of beating around her bush, so she comes right out and tells Superman to stop crying about his losses and maybe focus on the tons of sex standing right in front of him.

I realize she's gotten serious here but I can't stop giggling at just about every image on the page. The soldier with two eye patches. Darkseid taking a hard, dry shit. Murder Lad beating Karate Kid to death as the Kid sucks him off. Lightning Lass caught in the moment with her eyes half closed. Lightning Lass's sock puppet expression as she's tortured by her brother. It's all so good!

And then Superboy finally gets the fucking hint! He gets all the hints!

Stupid powers returning ruined a good fuck moment. Although now I'm curious. Will getting Lightning Lass sexually aroused short out her powers? FWASH!

Oh! Here's some kind of weird hang-up that I have (as slight as it is): I can write all day about guys getting boners and hard-ons and chubbies and stiffies and rebar pants and pitching tents and swollen nymphloads and all that without thinking twice about it. But it always seems a bit vulgar to mention a woman getting wet! Obviously it doesn't stop me from doing it. I don't have a problem with either but whereas a boner seems G-Rated, an aroused and self-lubricated vagina seems NC-17! Deliciously NC-17!

This is the first time I read this speech after reading it nearly five hundred times so far where it sounded like a catchy vaudevillian tune in my head! I think the curvy font helps!

Colossal Boy and Phantom Lass show up to really ruin the sexy mood. I mean, I think it was killed after Planet Brainiac's speech but just in case, they arrive to piss and shit all over it. And once Ayla gets her lightning powers back, it's like nothing ever happened! And like she wants Superboy to believe the moment is lost because she refers to him--explicitly and purposefully and other words that mean she totally fucking italicized it--as Superboy! What the hell?! Am I reading that vibe wrong?!

Once the team gathers together to come up with a plan, Brainiac 5 tells them that he received a message prior to the one they all heard. The planet said to him, "We are here, but soon we will be there." You probably remember that from one of the previous scans. Anyway, he mentions that the speech patterns are vaguely familiar. Ha ha! He's going to be in for a surprise, amirite?

While the team discusses what the plan of attack will be and who decides on the plan of attack and who the leader is anyway, The Atomic Knights roll into town on the backs of their gigantic Dalmatians. They don't seem to be killing or slaughtering yet so maybe everybody will talk this one out, right?

Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #1 Rating: I really fucking enjoyed everything about this issue. Shut up.

Convergence: Hawkman #1

The chances are upwards of about 98% that this will be the best Hawkman comic book since The New 52 began.

I hit the comic shop on Thursday this week and found that Speed Force #2 was missing from my subscription box. They were sold out of the comic on the shelves as well. And even though Fastback was going to show up all those other speedsters and save the day, I don't find I have enough interest in hunting down the comic at another shop. In other words, this may be my excuse to scale back on reading DC Comics! I'm finally missing an issue so now I won't feel bad if I miss yet another issue, or another, or twenty others! I'll finally have time to pursue that other thing I might be interested in if I could just muster enough energy to be interested in something else!

On a related note, if anybody wants to donate Speed Force #2 to me because they just can't live without reading my immature take on the story, I'm more than willing to accept such a generous offer.

Let me try and predict what's going to happen in this issue! Hawkman is going to appear before a crowd of protesters and say, "How dare you protest this great country?! You're all worthless no-good pieces of Communist shit! Nothing is more offensive than burning an American flag! Not murder! Or illegal wars in foreign countries that get young men and women killed! Not government corruption which keeps the masses downtrodden and in poverty! Not institutionalized racism or intolerance! How a person treats a specific inanimate object is the sole determiner of a person's moral compass!"

Jesus Christ! Hawkman has nothing to do with the American flag and yet I've gotten myself all pissed off at defenders of the stupid thing! It's a fucking piece of cloth, you zealots! How about fighting to protect the rights of actual citizens as fervently as you want to protect a colored rag?! Assholes.

Currently riots are breaking out in a certain section of Gotham that isn't the same section where Wonder Woman was dealing with cults or where any of The Outsiders were helping rebuild. It's a big city!

The lead rioter proclaims, "If you come from the shadows, follow me!" So I guess he's The Shadow Thief but without his powers, right?

I'm about three panels into this comic and I'm already bored. Hawkman isn't any fun unless he's arguing with Green Arrow!

I wonder if Hawkman has ever glanced quickly down at his wiener and stabbed himself in the throat with the prongs on his mask?

After Hawkman and Hawkwoman stop the riots, they return to their job at the museum to be lectured by an old man that insists they take their jobs as curators more seriously. He insists it's the best way to help the city by keeping a sense of normalcy. The museum director is delusional. Especially since his dinosaur exhibit is basically a bunch of papier-mâché dinosaurs instead of skeletons. And Shayera is giving lectures on King Shark's father, Kauhuhu. Kauhuhu is Hawaiian for Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark.

Shayera's lecture is about mythological entities that are half-man and half-animal. She ends her lecture by donning her wings and flying around the room because everybody was falling asleep. Actually, they were starting to get pissed because she began talking about Batman and we all saw how useless he's been in Batman and the Outsiders. Nobody trusts the heroes to help since they haven't dismantled the Dome.

I see young Edgar Allen Poe made it to the lecture.

The next day, Hawkman and Hawkwoman seek out the headquarters of the Thanagarian Shadow Rebels. To protect the headquarters, the rebels send out the Manhawks.

Sigh. Yes. Manhawks are apparently a thing. It's like a comic book writer took the time honored supposition that the best villains are twisted opposites of the heroes, put the least amount of thought into it, and came up with Hawkman's opposite: the Manhawk! They're birds but...get this!...they've got the heads of men!

The fight is tense and disturbing. Wait, did I say tense? I meant tedious. In the end, the Hawks win! The mostly human hawks, not the mostly hawk hawks!

I feel really old when reading comic books and I don't find the action sequences thrilling. I want more talking and sitting around in comfortable chairs!

The Hawks discover the Thanagarian Sleeper Cell has turned their warriors into a huge Absorbascon! That means something important! The Absorbascon allowed them to glimpse past the Dome and into their future (or their old future before being kidnapped, anyway). They have learned that they're on a planet beyond the "boundaries of the universe." They've also managed to see the effects of Crisis On Infinite Earths. But all this information hardly matters since as soon as the Hawks learn it, Planet Brainiac mentions his plans for a Battle Royale. And that's where this issue ends! Parker doesn't even reveal who the Hawkpersons' enemy is going to be! What a rip off!

Convergence: Hawkman #1 Rating: Even though I found this comic book as uninteresting as every other Hawkman comic book I've ever read, it was better than anything Tony S. Daniel or Rob Liefeld wrote!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #1

If this comic book is going to be accurate then they must portray Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman as a character nobody seemed to be able to make interesting.

The previous caption may not be true since I never read any Wonder Woman before Crisis On Infinite Earths. I also never read any Wonder Woman post-Crisis or Pre-Zero Hour or Post-Zero Hour or Pre-Final Crisis or Post-Final Crisis or Pre-Flashpoint. I mean, obviously I never read any because I'm a guy and guys can't understand female protagonists even when they're written by male writers. Just imagine how confusing reading Simone's Wonder Woman was for a male comic book reader!

This issue was written by Larry Hama who I instantly assumed I had never read anything by. But his name seemed familiar enough that I asked Lord Google about him. Lord Google passed me off to Princess Wikipedia who pointed out that I had read many, many, many, many super-duper short stories by Larry Hama on the backs of the G.I. Joe Action Figure cards! He also wrote the G.I. Joe comic book series by Marvel so I'm sure I've read the occasional comic book from that line as well. I never collected it but across my early years before collecting monthly books, I read an odd assortment of comic books that fell into my hands. I remember quite a few G.I. Joe comic books just prior to my starting to really get into comic books.

With all of that experience writing G.I. Joe, Larry Hama should be a natural at writing Wonder Woman!

That was a joke, nerds! Now somebody is probably ready to tell me that he edited Wonder Woman as well as Welcome Back, Kotter because they'll have forgotten that Princess Wikipedia just told me everything there is to know about Larry Hama! I'm allowed to make stupid, ignorant jokes, you know! I may not agree with everything I say but I'll die for the right of me to say those things!

This issue is called "I Sung of Chaos and Eternal Night" because peeeeee-yuke! What am I reading? John Keats?! Samuel Taylor Coleridge?! Percy "I Can't Believe My Name is Percy" Shelley?! That other guy that wrote about that abbey and shit?! You know the guy! The one with the obnoxious name! Wordsworth!

Consulting Lord Google, I wasn't even close, really. The line is from John Milton which is even more PEEEEEEE-YUKE! than I thought because I actually kind of like the romantic poets. But Milton?! Fuck Milton! Although we kind of have Milton to thank for Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand," right?!

I should read more about the poem this quote is from so I can instantly understand this story before even reading it!

How many of you are familiar with John Milton? Here's the first couple of lines from the poem which this quote is from just so you can also peee-yuke and scream, "Fuck Milton!", right along with me.

Hail holy light, of spring of Heav'n first-born,
Or of th' Eternal Coeternal beam
May I express thee unblam'd? since God is light,
And never but in unapproached light
Dwelt from Eternitie, dwelt then in thee,
Bright effluence of bright essence increate.

Pardon me while I peeeeeee-yuke! again! Although after reading the rest of the poem, I'm kind of feeling like a jackass because I think the gist of the poem has to do with his having lost his sight and never again being able to see the glorious light and the sheep and shit. Although I feel a bit redeemed by his arrogant ending about how, since he can't see all the cool shit we can see, he's allowed to have all kinds of glorious and poetic insights that us "sighties" can't appreciate because we're too busy looking at vaginas and penises. What a jerk! I have poetic insights all the time and I can see kittens and flowers and everything!

Before you heterosexuals begin wanking to this, that's Steve Trevor! I know, I know! I jerked off a little bit to it too!

Steve has been pouting for the last year and Diana has been helping people in the east end slums of Gotham. Plus she's been walking around in her underwear a lot.

Is that a positive depiction of spirituality? When people are confronted by something they can't comprehend, they seek comfort in the incomprehensible!

Wonder Woman has been providing what comfort she can to the dying residents of Gotham. Since all the morphine and pain killers are gone, she's helping old, dying people join cults so they feel comfort in wacky-doodle nonsense. Aww! That's so sweet! It's a good thing Batman doesn't have this job! Unless dying people take comfort in being told nothing but unending darkness and silence await them in the grave.

Diana's friend Etta Candy who I don't know but I love her delicious name believes that angels will one day come down and lift the Dome from Gotham. She's sort of right. Angels? Planet Brainiac? Who's to say one is different from the other?

Speaking of Planet Brainiac, he gives that speech that I read every time even though I was already sick of it after Convergence #0.

I might be a believer if more priests put their Holy Sticks where their mouths are. As opposed to putting them where the altar boys' mouths are.

The leader of the cult prepares to throw Diana in the oubliette that is a fixture of all churches, right? But before they can throw the unconscious Diana in the hole, one of the cult members discovers Diana's Wonder Woman outfit in her bag. That's when they really begin to freak out! They even resort to horrible words like "Satan" and "witch" and "idolator." They probably think words like "slut" and "whore" too but they don't want to overstep any lines.

Etta Candy rushes off to find Steve Trevor while Diana is tied up with her own lasso and thrown into a deep, dark hole. Well, that's it for Wonder Woman! No way can she get out of her own lasso! Or climb out of a deep hole! And what good will Steve Trevor be? It's not like he has a jet on hand!

Why the rush? I'm sure there's time for a little Hide The Strap-On Sausage Deep Inside Steve Trevor's Colon. I'm sure there's also some kind of pinata fucking joke I could make about Etta but I'm not as clever as John Milton.

As Candy and Trevor rush off to save Damsel Princess, the barrio boys watch as vampires come flying into their city. I hope they're current on their vampire lore!

Hey old people! Remember when we weren't completely inundated by vampire stories? Sure, we had Salem's Lot which was scary as fuck. And Lost Boys which was silly but we all had to pretend it was super cool. And Fright Night which had Roddy McDowell so how could you not love it? And Anne Rice was resting on her laurels with that whole Interview With A Vampire book that not a whole shitload of people had really read because it was sitting on the shelves with that God-awful cover on it. Remember? Let me see if Lord Google remembers.

Okay, this isn't horrible. It's actually kind of representative of the book. Definitely not misleading because the book is more fancy-pants than horror. It's actually the back cover I was remembering!

Yeeesh!

I guess the design worked though because I remember wanting to read the book but my mom didn't think it was appropriate for me. But those images stuck with me and I eventually saw the book again when The Vampire Lestat was published and they reworked the design on the covers.

Anyway, Diana saves herself because she wasn't tied up with her own rope at all (although she would have gotten out of that even easier). She realizes she once again has the powers of an Amazon and busts out of the rope and most of her clothes. Woo hoo! Just to be clear: I'm woo-hooing for her near-nakedness and not her fantastic escape.

Meanwhile the cult members receive some new guests.

Dumby! Angels don't need to be invited in! That's vampires! Did you not watch Fright Night!?

The cult members are slaughtered by the vampires from Vampire Gotham City. But it happens off panel and no women have sexual thoughts so this comic book can retain its Teen Rating. Steve and Etta stumble onto the bodies and are confronted by the vampires! It's Vampire Joker and Vampire Poison Ivy and Vampire Catwoman! Scary! And sexy! And more sexy!

Wonder Woman arrives to save the day but not before The Joker flies off with Etta Candy. I think the final page of this issue will be Etta stepping out from the shadows all vampired up!

The couple splits up. Wonder Woman rushes off to stop The Joker while Steve Trevor remains behind to be killed by Ivy, Catwoman, and the newly vampirized cult members.

Close enough!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #1 Rating: Yo Joe! I liked this Convergence issue! Now you know and knowing is half the battle!

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #1

Whenever Geoforce passes out at a party, somebody always writes a big "Y" after the "F" on his chest.

Batman and the Outsiders were my first favorite super hero team. I had a crush on Halo. I thought Katana was bad-ass. Metamorpho was fucking hilarious to a thirteen year old boy. I wanted to be Black Lightning. And I thought Geoforce was the most boring fucking fictional character ever created. Batman just seemed like the parent that wouldn't let them do all the super cool stuff they wanted to do. Maybe it's because of this series that I never really became a huge Batman fan. I just saw him as a bossy parental figure that I wanted to get away from.

I've been rereading the old series and it holds up in the way that comic books from the early eighties hold up. Which is not very well but you give the comic book a lot of slack and try to view it through the eyes of your younger self. One of the things that series taught me was that you could build characters best not through conflict but through the downtime out of the super hero suits. Marvel probably does that better and more often but they also tend to overdramatize problems that I, even when I was younger, barely saw as problems. Stop fucking whining and deal with it, assholes. You can either be a victim and allow everybody around you an inordinate amount of influence on your life or you can just say "Fuck 'em all" and get on with being who you want to be. I'm looking at you, Peter Parker! Unless I'm looking at Scott Summers. I don't know! It's been a long time since I really read any Marvel books besides Ms. Marvel, She-Hulk, Moon Knight, Superior Six, and Inhumans.

Speaking of overly dramatic writing, Mike W. Barr must have thought he was writing Shakespearean plays at times. Holy fuck can he turn a ridiculous phrase! And Jim Aparo's facial expressions! Hoo boy, do these cats react to shit! The last time I saw so many open, gaping mouths was at Glory Hole Fest 2014.

But that's the old days. This may be the old Outsiders but Andreyko will probably (hopefully) give them a bit of a modern sensibility. And maybe somebody will get raped! I mean, not really raped! Just, you know, hypnotized into thinking they like the person and then being told afterward by the "hypnotist" that you can't hypnotize somebody into doing something they don't want to do so being fucked while under hypnosis is implicit consent! So there, fandom!

I don't care how many people call me a misogynist. Without the outside controversy and Andreyko's insistence that Batwoman wasn't hypnotized, it was actually a well done story about hypnotism. Especially the way the hypnotist reacts when confronted by the victim and piles all of the blame onto her. But I guess nobody is allowed to write hypnotism stories anymore because women aren't allowed to be victims of hypnosis anymore because it perpetuates hypnosis culture which causes more women to become victims because when a person reads that story they realize people can get away with hypnotism and not getting away with hypnotism and getting thrown in prison for it is the only thing keeping somebody from hypnotizing.

I mean, you know, aside from the fact that nobody wants to see their favorite character whose comic book they're supporting go through a bunch of horrible shit that they shouldn't be going through since they're the hero trying to prevent this kind of crap. Unless it's Batman. Fuck Batman.

I opened this comic book just now and realized it's the first one from the third week which means a new Fight Card! Just as I thought by the characters being spotlighted this week, the battles take place in Earth-One Pre-Crisis Gotham City. The other cities featured are Kamandi's New York, Vampire Batman's Gotham, the Atomic Knights' Durvale, and Central City from the Tangent Universe. I don't know anything about the Tangent Universe. I hope Infinity Inc. deals with those guys. I want Batman and the Outsiders to battle vampire Batman so that the Outsiders can take all of their Batman is a dickhole frustations out on a surrogate Batman.

The beginning sounds a lot like a Mike W. Barr comic book.

This issue is called "The New Normal." This normal is really new for these characters that have never known a true DC Crisis event! They're used to a lot of weird shit happening but things continue along as normal. Although occasionally some really fucking weird shit goes down and everybody just agrees to pretend that it never happened. The old normal was chill like that.

Batman has been working on the mystery of the dome for 364 days now. He gives Jim Gordon an update on his progress which amounts to "I don't know shit but that won't stop me from 'investigating' it more." At what point do you stop calling what you're doing detective work and just admit that you're killing time? It's not like he has any clues to follow. Any analysis of the Dome would have taken place on Day 1 of the investigation and that was probably the last day any progress was made.

What is Dr. Thompkins shocked about in the fourth panel?

I guess when the Dome came down, Gabrielle's parasitic alien whatever-the-hell stopped functioning and she slipped back into a coma. Unless I'm remembering her origin incorrectly. I haven't gotten that far in my reread to get a refresher on Halo and her powers. But I guess she gets her hair cut after Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Meanwhile Geoforce is moving masses amounts of broken asphalt with his bare hands. What the fuck is that about?! Was Dr. Jace so good at giving people Earth Powers that he retained them after the Dome fell? Or is Geoforce just that naturally boring? I mean strong!

Geoforce goes off with the others to...*snrrk snrrl SNORE*

Where...what?! Oh, uh, sorry. I seem to have passed out there for a second. I drooled all over my comic book. Let's see, I was probably done reading this Geoforce crap so let's skip ahead to Rex and Sapphire.

Why Mrs. Stagg! Is your butt trying to seduce me?!

Metamorpho might be the only person truly happy under the Dome since he now has a real flesh and blood penis to put inside of any one of three magical Sapphire Stagg orifices. Unless he only has access to two of them. Or just one. Hell, just one is more than he deserves, the big mug.

Back in the Batcave, Batman continues his investigation.

See?! I knew it! The big fucking phony! Pretending that he's got some kind of investigation going on!

The next day is the day the Dome drops. Everybody is going about their normal business and, luckily, Rex and Saph are getting one last good shower fuck in. Because it's time for Planet Brainiac to welcome everybody to Thunderdome.

Luckily Rex's dick isn't inside Sapphire when he regains his powers and he just burns the shit out of her arm and probably her boobs and maybe her stomach. But mostly she's probably okay. Good thing Rex didn't transform instantly into Magnesium, amirite?! No seriously. Am I? Would that have been bad?

Gaby comes out of her coma, Geoforce flies up into the sky, Katana's sword probably starts speaking to her again, Black Lightning recharges, and Batman hits a big red button. It's probably a call to gather The Outsiders because they're going to be battling OMAC and an army of mutants from Kamandi's world next issue.

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #1 Rating: It seemed like a lot to pack in since this is a pretty big team for this two issue set up. But I like the glimpses we got of all but one of the characters. Actually, Black Lightning had a pretty boring arc. And Katana's arc was really just worrying about Halo. And Batman's arc was just showing how fucking useless he really is. So Rex's story was the only one that was truly interesting. And mostly that's because it had fucking in the shower.

Multiversity #2

I'm afraid to read this.

If I read this, there is a chance that I won't understand what the fuck I've been reading across the last nine months. And if that happens, I'll feel like a huge idiot failure and I'll probably need to feel better about myself somehow. Maybe I can start up a Tumblr where I just call everybody out for being an Islamophobe. Maybe I could sell shirts with arrows pointing to the left or right and under the arrow it can say, "I'm with this Ableist, Racist, Misogynistic Islamophobe." Fuck, I think that shirt would be a huge seller! Seriously, you could stand next to anybody with that shirt and it would probably be accurate. Especially if they're your parents! Maybe it's a bit too much though. How about selling shirts with arrows pointing to the left or right and under the arrow it just reads "Problematic"? And if you feel the people you're around a lot are a bit more than problematic, the shirt can read "Gross". Maybe it can even come with a little square piece of cloth the same color of the shirt that can cover up the arrow for those days when somebody calls you out and you want to act appropriately by not arguing but shutting your stupid problematic mouth and rolling over like a good, kind, sensitive person should.

This issue begins with some narrator pointing out that the story goes on with or without me. Not in my world it doesn't! I can stop reading and never read any more about this book and this is where it would end. At least for me. And what else is there? But I paid $4.49 for this comic book so I'm going to read it. I guess my hands are tied.

Oh god I hope I understand it! I should say a prayer!

Baby Jesus. I know I said I would never ask you for another favor if you allowed me to tie my shoe in one try way back in the early nineties in Greeley, Colorado, but I have to ask you for one more favor. What is one more favor to you? An omnipotent little guy with the power to return from the dead and piss off all of the local religious leaders. Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? When you were pointing out the idiocy of the Pharisees and their laws, were people constantly Tweeting you and calling you an anti-semite? You were kind of mocking their religion and being totally gross and all. Not cool, Jesus. I'm not saying you deserved to be crucified but, come on, you weren't exactly blameless! Anyway, I'm getting off track here! I was hoping that you'd give me the mental wherewithal to understand this whole Grant Morrison Multiversity thing so that I don't look like a complete idiot in front of all forty-five of my followers! Do we have a deal?

Okay! Now that that insurance is out of the way, let's read Multiversity for reals!

The House of Heroes in the Orrery of Worlds is currently under attack by a gigantic octopus. That's probably one of The Gentry but I don't remember them all so it might also just be one of the pets of Doctor Sivana. Or it might be a version of Doctor Sivana! The Harbinger Computer System sends out an SOS to all fifty-two worlds because they need more heroes to save the Multiverse!

As the call for help echoes across the Multiverse, our attention turns to Earth-13 where Superdemon and his magical compatriots live. Their world has been invaded by vampires from another Earth, most likely Earth-43. The vampires came out of Sivana's Transmatter Cube which I suppose is just as effective as Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cube but more cartoony.

Superdemon doesn't just rhyme on Earth-13; he fucking sonnets, motherfuckers.

Superdemon and the League of Shadows hop through the cube and into the Sivana's High-Tech Rock of Eternity. Waiting on the other side of the Transmatter Cube is the Blood League of Earth-43! That's basically the Justice League if they were all vampires. Vampire Doctor Sivana is stabbed to death by Fate while the Blood League is taken out by Annataz.

I hear once you go black with two lumps and a hint of cream you never go back.

During the battle, Hannibal Sivana and Hissivana sneak off through the Transmatter Cube to Earth-18 where the Justice Riders live. Hannibal takes a justice bullet in the head and Hissivana pukes up one of the chibi-robot Justice Leaguers he ate a few comic books back. As he's surrounded by the Justice Riders, the Narrator from the beginning who spoke of reading comic books and being enamored by the medium begins to awaken once more. Is this why the story would go on with or without me? Because the simple act of Morrison writing it brought it into being and that we, the audience, are merely incidental to its existence?

The Narrator has been woken by a crisis appearing across every world in the Multiverse. Red skies and black lightning surround each Earth as the residents battle with foes promised glory by The Gentry.

On Earth-36, the heroes battle an undead Optiman who was killed by SuperDoomsday in Action Comics.

The Narration in the above panel is something I was talking about in my Batman #40 blog entry. The comic book universe is one that is written as if the story is approaching some ending but that ending just never comes. Even when Crisis on Infinite Earths ended at issue #12, it couldn't actually end. It wasn't the final word on anything no matter how much DC Comics wanted it to be. The Comic Book Universe exists simply to perpetuate conflict. So an epic event is never the resolution to a conflict but simply a means to create more conflict. Nobody wants a universe that's winding down because it's resolving all of its problems one by one! We need conflict! Conflict! CONFLICT!

As the conflicts on each Earth ramp up, more heroes are pulled from their worlds and into the House of Heroes to help fight The Gentry. Abin Sur from Earth-20 finally arrives. And Adam Familiar from the Bizarro Universe. And Doctor Nemo, one of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. from Earth-39. And many, many others. This must be the part where Harbinger and Dino-cop come up with a plan!

That's the plan?! Who let the guy with the walnut-sized brain come up with the plan?!

The Gentry attacking the House of Heroes is Hellmachine and, according to the Narrator, it is the 999th forbidden name of the third angel of despair and countless are its legions. In other words, it's bad ass. Hellmachine has found his way to the House of Heroes because Chibi-Robot Wonder Woman and Chibi-Robot Steel of Earth-42 are in the House. And they are his teeny, tiny robot spies. That is the great and terrible secret of Earth-42!

Atomic Knight Batman pulls out his Multiversity Guidebook which can help restore the Harbinger A.I. But I think first they decide to read one of the stories in his copy that wasn't in my copy:

Superjudge! And, um, Special Thanks to Dave Wyndorf and Monster Magnet?! I knew he was a comic book geek since he's appeared on Tell 'em Steve Dave a number of times. But what did he do to get a mention?!

Superjudge will solve his Rubik's Cube in seventeen moves which will tear holes in all space and time allowing The Gentry access to all the planets. Brunch places and record shops will proliferate across the Multiverse! All art and creativity will be channeled into DJing clubs and parties and, well, just practicing with the front door open so that people passing on the sidewalk will know how fucking cool you are. White people will be everywhere! Standing in line for artisan pizza! Standing in line for artisan ice cream! Standing in line for artisan burritos! The Multiverse will become a bland, boring place full of unbearable assholes!

If Captain Carrot and his friends can't stop Superjudge and The Gentry, I might have to begin reading Marvel.

Let me just point out that my previous rant took place before I read this page.

Captain Carrot gets his head blasted off just before he's about to eat one of his cosmic carrots. But he's a cartoon character so a little loss of noggin doesn't bother him much. While his body continues to fight and wait for a mouth to feed the carrot, Captain Carrot's head makes friends with Nix Uotan's monkey pal. He explains to Captain Carrot that Nix Uotan is opening the doors to let The Gentry in because he realizes, somewhere inside him that is still a monitor, that an open door can be entered from either side.

Meanwhile, Harbinger A.I. comes back online thanks to the infusion of The Multiversity Guidebook and maybe some of the data from the Chibi-Robot hard drives. Before Hellmachine can eat her mind, The Marvel Family spears it with the Sivana's False Rock of Eternity. It's eaten by the creatures of The Bleed and The Marvels join the fight at the House of Heroes.

Red Racer helps Captain Carrot get back on his neck. And Captain Carrot helps Red Racer by giving him a bunch of comic books to read.

Wait! There were connections to be made across all the comic book?! I just thought they were big brawls!

Superjudge completes the Rubik's Cube in fifteen moves as Red Racer runs around the world going in and out of all the newly opened portals. He comes back nearly instantly with a whole army of speedsters! Flashes to the rescue! Usually they cause Cosmic Crises but this time, they're going to fucking end one! With fifteen near infinite-mass punches, The Flashes knock out Superjudge. Nix Uotan crawls from out of Superjudge's head as good as new. If by "new" you were thinking "as is" and don't mind one eye being popped by a trident.

But then The Gentry arrive through the doors opened by Superjudge's Rubik's Cube. But Harbinger A.I., using The Multiversity Guidebook, has learned a thing or two about opening gates herself.

I kind of feel, since I began reading comics with Crisis on Infinite Earths, that I should stop reading them altogether when this is over!

The heroes of every world easily defeat The Gentry in this final battle. Except it's not the end because it's never really the end. Endings are dumb and boring. Nix Uotan mentions that an empty hand is at the end. And now it's time to find that thing behind The Gentry. It awaits Superman of Earth-23 and the rest behind the still standing door of The Gentry known as Lord Broken. The door leads to where it all began on Earth-7. It leads to a throne room made from the ruins of the world.

When is the last time anybody saw a picture of Dan Didio?

The giant antlered person explains that his legion of Gentry are building an Oblivion Machine which will tell the final chapter of the DC Universe. You know, that chapter that will never actually be written except in alternate timelines and elseworld tales? Although The Empty Hand does point out that the Gentry are feeding on Multiverse-2, so maybe sometimes the final chapter does get told.

By the way, what is Multiverse-2? The Silver Age? Or a universe that no reader has ever heard of because its story was told and destroyed and devoured?

The Empty Hand teleports the heroes back to Earth-8 to await the day of their final issues. In the meantime, Superman of Earth-23 decides the Multiverse needs a Cosmic Neighborhood Watch. He names it Operation Justice Incarnate which seems a little bit over the top but what the hell. They are tasked with protecting fifty-two universes from a threat that originated on Earth-33. I guess the easiest way to access every universe is to start on the universe that has windows (aka comic books) to all of the other worlds.

For saving the Multiverse, Nix Uotan is rewarded with eight hundred dollars so that he can pay rent on his apartment on Earth-0.

So was it all a dream? Yeah, probably!

Does it matter? Wouldn't you prefer it being a dream, or simply a comic book in which Nix played a significant role, than have to think of it as an analogy about how comics can spread dangerous and important ideas and how we must protect the ability to keep ideas free, no matter how dangerous they might be, because it's better than cranking up the Oblivion Machine and keeping us all in the dark? Of course, we must be vigilant about what ideas take root in our hearts and minds. That's the part of the analogy that wound up with a crazy name of Operation Justice Incarnate! Plus I think there was a message about not letting Frank Miller into your house no matter how persistent he can be.