Batman Loves Superman #14

One second after this picture was taken, Superman "accidentally" ripped Batman's face off.

Last issue, Batman and Superman suffered a case of spontaneous amnesia. Too bad for me, neither one of them is the Narrator. That would have saved me from having to read this story! Instead, I'm going to finish reading this story and then promptly come down with my own case of spontaneous amnesia (it'll be prompt because it's spontaneous!). That sounds so relaxing! Why don't humans have reset buttons on their brains? I think that's proof against Intelligent Design because any intelligent designer would have enabled humans to reboot without a third party power surge. That's a reference to electroshock therapy!

I wonder if I should begin using footnotes? That would make my blog edgy and postal modern!

I learned today that my non-certified step in-laws think they should get me drunk more often because I'm more fun that way, that when I come to visit I usually just hide myself away and read a book, and that I kept whining one Thanksgiving because my non-certified father-in-law put chicken broth in the vegetables! I have to say the first two things are absolutely true. Although, as an addendum, I'm a lot of fun when I'm not drunk and when I'm actually interested in being around the people I'm hanging around. As for the last one, it pisses me off. I hate when people believe something that isn't true and now have based an opinion on you off of that "fact." What happened was, when it became common knowledge that the vegetables were tainted with chicken stink, I said, "Don't worry about it." So my step-brother-in-law either wants to believe that vegetarians are all whiny assholes that can't deal with a family member's mistake, or, and this is entirely probable and most likely possible, I kept faking like it ruined the whole night and he, not knowing me very well because I'm always in the other room reading books, took my comments at face value. What a jerk!

Don't worry! The above won't cause any family drama because it'll probably be a cold day in a fictional place (that isn't Narnia) before they read anything written by me! They're into art you can look at and oooh and aaahhh over amongst other people. What I'm saying is that they're actually into impressing other people with their reactions to art rather than the art itself! Unless they're reading this for some reason and then, ha ha! It was all a big joke and in good fun! What good sports you are!

Oh my god! I have a new hobby! I'm going to pitch one comic book idea to DC's Twitter account every day until they let me write all of their titles! Or at least let me replace Greg Pak! I can come up with ideas twice as good as his stuff! Here's one I just thought up off the top of my head: Superman and Batman go to Subway and order identical sandwiches. Chaos ensues!

So this is the premise of this story? Will Superman and Batman still be heroes without their memories?! That's Remedial Plot Writing 101, Greg Pak! I'd rather read my Subway story!

Bruce Wayne, having forgotten that his parents weren't supposed to die in vain, has been living it up playboy billionaire bachelor style! He's banging Mayor Hady's wife (unless it's a different Mayor) and taking away Alfred's health insurance. Without the memory of his parents, he's forgotten how to be a hero! Well played, Kaiyo! And Greg Pak! Except I have a feeling Batman's personality is going to win out somehow. Maybe a poor child will give Bruce a flower and then hug him, and Bruce will be all, "She must have had an extra flower and then wiped her hands on me."

That last sentence would have a footnote telling you to read my Justice League #34 commentary but I'm not hip and portmanteau enough to have footnotes or meandering texts or webpages that can only be read when you spin your monitor around.

If I were Superman, I'd probably begin unbuckling my pants at this point. "Ladies, ladies! There's enough super cock to go around!"

While Catwoman rubs her crotch on the back of Superman's neck (That's how I first fell in love!), Lois tries to explain to Superman that he's lost his memories. But not having any memories, Superman finds it hard to believe that he's lost his memories. Doesn't everybody just go around naked and confused? That Lois Lane isn't going to fool him into betraying his new cat girlfriend! She'll have to rub a lot more than her crotch on him to convince him she's the one to trust!

Superman leaves with the correct woman, leaving Lois Lane all alone when Batman arrives. I don't mean to offend any robots with that last statement since Lois is left with some robots. But robots, no matter how intensely they vibrate and how smoothly they slide into nether orifices, can never replace the company of another human being. Oh, they can totally replace other human beings' usually negligible sexual skills! But they can't replace their company!

I think when she said "stupid," she meant to say "upbeat."

Superman decides he should probably figure out who he is and what motivates him so that he can start pretending to be himself. And who better to tell him who he is than Toymaster!

That could use a footnote too! And then it would list about fifty different people who would be better suited to explain to Superman what Superman means. But since this is Greg Pak's comic book, I guess we'll let him have New 52 characters he's developed explain to Superman what makes him so super and inspiring. I bet it's the bright, primary colors.

Batman goes through his own trial of remembrance with Lois Lane and The Scarecrow. But Batman's going to have to remember the death of his parents before he becomes a hero again, so that's going to be sad. Unless Greg Pak finds the hilarity in it! I hope he goes that way with the story.

"Okay, Master Bruce. But first, your Rohypnol Tea!"

Alfred tells Bruce about his parents and Bruce is all, "Yeah, yeah. I already know that! Tell me how to be Batman already!" And Alfred is all, "Well, first you have to suck this."

Meanwhile, Superman teams up with Toymaster and Catwoman to become Judge Dredd.

Batman Loves Superman #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. Next issue, Batmite and Mr. Mxyzptlk arrive to kick Kaiyo and Lord Satanus's asses for taking their jobs. Goddamned scabs.

Justice League #34

Meet your Early Autumn 2014 Justice League! *Are You Ready For This begins playing*

Ten members of the Justice League and only 1/2 of one of them is black? That's fucked up, DC. At least Power Ring has upped the female to male ratio to "not even close to adequate." It's also upped the number of members deemed way too dangerous to be on the team to three! I think Batman needs to perfect his interview process. Currently it amounts to this:

Batman: "Everybody who knows my secret identity, you're hired!"

Although for a guy worried about his secret identity getting out, what was he thinking telling Green Lantern his real identity when he first met him during the invasion of Darkseid? No wonder the Bat-Family was so concerned that he told The Joker their secrets. Which he actually did! Kind of! You know, that one time he visited him in Arkham as Bruce Wayne! Batman is an asshole.

Captain Cold has taken a job with Lexcorps as some kind of head of security or threat assessment manager or something. Also, he sleeps in his glasses. Also also, he thinks he's smarter than Lex Luthor.

Oh Leonard. Too bad The Calculator wasn't a Rogue. He'd help you do the math. About three and a half billion people are smarter than you, Lenny. And only one of those people is smarter than Lex Luthor. It's Niles Caulder, by the way.

This issue is the epilogue to "Injustice League" which was the story of Lex, Power Ring, and Captain Cold joining the Justice League. It was also the story of The Doom Patrol but since their story involved so much abuse at the hands of that asshole Niles Caulder, it wasn't worth mentioning in the title.

This issue begins with unlikely teammates Superman and Lex Luthor battling a lactating Grodd.

Gross.

Lex, being the smartest person on Earth, begins committing logical fallacies all over the place. Superman, being the dopiest guy on Earth, begins spouting trite cliches he probably heard Ma use every weekend.

Ma Kent: "Why son, if I had a nickel for every time you locked that bathroom door saying you were reading only to have to get Pa to fix what looked like a shotgun blast in the sheet rock, I'd be richer than a possum's lawyer on Labor Day."

While Lex and Supes bicker, Grodd coughs up semen and lactates. He probably just got done masturbating into his own mouth because, even though he's sentient, he's still a Goddamned ape!

Not that apes are the only creatures that masturbate into their own mouths!

I wonder if Salmon try to spawn on their friends? Imagine spending one of your final acts on Earth spraying your best friend in the face with your semen. Leave this earth on a hearty belly laugh!

Stop thinking about Batman and how rich he is! You're fighting a telepath, jerko!

Here I've been calling Lex Luthor the smartest man on Earth and he doesn't understand Batman's role on the Justice League? Batman plays the most important role of all! He plays the part of the angry, silent father that everybody tiptoes around because they're afraid he's going to blow up and start beating everyone with a two by four! I think that's important to promote ambition and to keep members of the team focused! Unless the most important role is played by Superman. That's the role of the loving, inclusive mother that makes sure all of her children feel special and capable of going out into the world and doing whatever they want. Wonder Woman plays the role of older sister that nobody knows what to do with so she re-imagines herself every few years trying to find a personality that other people will flock to. Aquaman plays the role of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch or Scrappy Doo from Scooby Doo or Sam from Diff'rent Strokes; a character that never needed to be added to the story and everybody hated except for contrarian assholes that have to point out how Aquaman is hyper-cool, thus ignoring his best and silliest aspects in favor of grimnity and strengthcity.

Superman decides to quote Albert Einstein because it's always impressive to be able to tell somebody what somebody else once said so that your opinion sounds important even though people would rather have your own honest opinion in your own words over some quote by some dead guy that is only known for having crazy hair and selling lots of posters to college kids of himself with his tongue stuck out.

I once interfaced with a ring that played havoc with my programming too! But that was college so it was well within the parameters of acceptable aberrant behavior!

Aberrant is a dangerous word to use! I bet I caused a lot of mouths to froth with that statement! But I wasn't using "aberrant" in a collective sense! I was using it in a personal sense! Like in "I did something that strayed from the pattern of behavior I had established in the previous twenty years of my life!" But nobody wants to hear that story! It's boring!

Okay, okay! I'll tell it! I realized that I'd been ordering my fast food meals all wrong! Onion rings over french fries was totally the way to go!

Ha ha! Oh, Arnold Drummond! What a cut-up!

While Cyborg thinks up a reason to quote B.A. Baracus next, The Flash informs Power Ring's host that she's in a shit bunch of trouble.

Fuck the Timbers!

Speaking of Sullivan's Gulch, there is a Fred Meyer in that location. It has two distinct entrances, one from Broadway that's probably the entrance most people not familiar with Sullivan's Gulch use and a side entrance near an overpass over I-84. If you were a dumb guy that wasn't very smart and mostly kind of dumb, you might think that there were two Fred Meyers in Sullivan's Gulch. But there aren't. There's just the one. So next time you're having Thanksgiving with your family, Mr. Hypothetical Guy, and you're thinking about telling a story involving the two different Fred Meyers located in Sullivan's Gulch, you might want to check out a map of the area first.

Jesus Christ, I'm such a patronizing dickhead sometimes! All the time? A good portion of the time!

Jessica the Host realizes she's found a Major Artifact that has a high ego and she doesn't have the strength to not give in to its will. Is there a place in the DC Universe where you can rent a Gollum to bite off ring fingers? Or--I should correct myself--middle fingers wearing power rings? Why do Lanterns always wear rings on their middle fingers? Maybe I haven't been as observant a I should be and only humans wear them on their middle fingers so they don't look like wedding rings purchased by a spouse with no taste. Although since nobody in the DC Universe is allowed to get married, the ring on the ring finger shouldn't cause any confusion. Hell, I don't even know what hand the wedding ring is supposed to be on!

Maybe DC artists just thought they could get away with having Lanterns flip people the bird by sticking it on the middle finger?

Jessica freaks out because Barry isn't the best guy in situations where people have to remain calm. Where's Batman when you need that angry, stoic, inaccessible father figure?!

Later (I guess it's later because Lex is not longer bothering Superman) Lex is bothering Wonder Woman.

Lex answers honestly by saying helping others is a means to a selfish end. Wasn't he paying attention when Superman quoted Einstein earlier?!

After this scene, the comic book has a double page advert for Gotham with lots and lots of rave, one word reviews with the web addresses of the sites that said those one words. Why didn't I rave about Gotham so that I could get some free press just by saying one word about Gotham! I could have done it without being a dick! Here are some quotes from Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea that DC can use in their next advertisement. These are also applicable to The Flash, Arrow, and Constantine (although I haven't seen Constantine yet. I'm sure they'll work. They're just a few words!).

"Watchable!"
"Comic books on the TV?! WHAT?!"
"Remember when James Gordon was in that show where they celebrated Chrismukkah? How dare those Jews take the 't' out of Christ!"
"I bet Selina Kyle is going to be hot when she's older! She's kind of hot now!"
"I bet Bruce Wayne is going to be hot when he's older! He's kind of hot now!"
"Why was that scientist keeping a monkey in a particle accelerator?!"
"It's a tv show! On TV!"
"The show would look better if Jim Lee first scribbled on all of the actors' faces."
"Remember when Harvey Bullock was in Grounded for Life? No? How about The Tao of Steve?"
"Why is Alfred Pennyworth such a stupid, stodgy, cock blockage?"
"I can't wait for Professor Pyg to appear so he can de-sex everything!"
"Where's The Joker? I want to see Baby Joker!"
"How dare you thinwash The Penguin!"
"Not enough blimps! Or spotlights!"
"Why didn't NBC announce John Constantine was bisexual in the first press release?! Fuck this show! How dare they not acknowledge his sexuality immediately! Fuck you, DC!"
"Looking for abdomen muscles? Look no further!" (That one would probably best be used for Arrow!)
"Why isn't this show called 'Captain Cold' for fuck's sake?!"

That's probably more than enough quotable quotes. Now I just have to sit back and reap the benefits! I wish my pal Sterling Gates would point his buddy Geoff Johns this way so he can pick which quote he likes best for his new shows!

Whoops! I completely interrupted a touching moment in the comic book with my need for fame!

Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm dead inside or I'm just immune to sappy bullshit.

What is wrong with the psychiatric community?! This is how you cure sociopaths! Third world children hug and flower therapy! Sociopaths will never not feel again after undergoing months and months of torturous, sappy bullshit!

Lex Luthor, after receiving his 63rd round of Flower/Hug Therapy: "Oh! I get it! I finally get it! She has too many flowers and she needed to wipe her hands on me!"

Batman and Superman plan to bust Lex Luthor for some trumped up charge simply because he does thing differently than they do. Sure, some of those things might be illegal and some might be dangerous to the populace at large and some might be inherently selfish and some might be plans to work with Owlman of the Crime Syndicate in exchange for getting him Superwoman's child...but I don't think any of those things are reasons to jump to the conclusion that he can't be trusted! The Justice League are a bunch of jerks.

Justice League #34 Rating: +4 Ranking. This series has had more misses than hits. But this month was delightful. Or maybe I just really entertained myself during the commentary. One of those.

Justice League 3000 #10

Oh my God! I am so in love with Locus! If love means wanting to slap pee pees. If it means anything else, then I should probably invest in a dictionary.

I've constantly pointed out how my blog is a dinosaur and it probably shouldn't even be on Tumblr since it has so much writing and so very few pictures and pithy quotes. But I must defend what I am doing at all costs! But I can't do it myself because that's just more of my own blathering on top of some of my other blathering. So instead, I've done something I'm not prone to do: research! Therefore, in my defense, I have found a quote that supports the way most people use Tumblr over the way I have been using it!

"One must also remember that of itself the multitude is mentally inert, that it remains attached to its old habits and that it is not naturally prone to read something which does not conform with its own pre-established beliefs when such writing does not contain what the multitude hopes to find there. Therefore, some piece of writing which has a particular tendency is for the most part read only by those who are in sympathy with it. Only a leaflet or a placard, on account of its brevity, can hope to arouse a momentary interest in those whose opinions differ from it. The picture, in all its forms, including the film, has better prospects. Here there is less need of elaborating the appeal to the intelligence. It is sufficient if one be careful to have quite short texts, because many people are more ready to accept a pictorial presentation than to read a long written description. In a much shorter time, at one stroke I might say, people will understand a pictorial presentation of something which it would take them a long and laborious effort of reading to understand."

See? This quote supports the way Tumblr is generally used and shows that I'm doing it all wrong! Which is my defense that I'm doing everything right because this quote is from Adolf Hitler! I think disagreeing with Hitler is all the evidence I need that writing long-winded, rambling texts that don't conform to the beliefs of the masses is the best way to blog!

Unless this is one of those times I should agree with Hitler? Are there ever any of those times ever? Maybe I should condense all of my commentaries to 140 characters and just continue this on Twitter! Or I could learn to do some other impossible things, like fly or breathe underwater! Right?!

Previously in Justice League 3000, The JL3k Gang had escaped the clutches of The Fatal Five. Ariel Masters has taken them to Camelot Nine, a renaissance fair world plagued by Etrigan the Demon (yay! That's the best kind of plague!). But King Arthur doesn't think they should be allowed to stay (boo!).

Here's one of those pictorial presentations that Hitler loved so much.

Instead of helping King Arthur battle Etrigan the Demon and his forces like they should if they want to sell more comic books, the JL3k Gang begin plans setting a trap for the Fatal Five's arrival. Judging by the cover, the trap is not going to work very well.

I hope we get to see Etrigan 3000 before this is over!

Over on Cadmusworld, the Fatal Five ar...when did Cadmus become the big overarching evil organization in the DC Universe? That must be something I missed out on in the 2000s when I wasn't reading anything but Fables and Walking Dead. Was Maxwell Lord running Cadmus when he shot Blue Beetle in the face? I suppose he was if he was involved in all of the Brother Eye and OMAC shenanigans that somebody high up at DC (Dan Didio?) must have decided were the best bad guys ever invented because they just won't go away. Even after everything has been rebooted, Cadmus gets to remain the ultimate evil organization. I guess DC did try to make the Daemonites the big mystery bad guys of the New 52 but that didn't take very well. I'm sure they'll have a part to play in Futures End at some point though.

The JL3k Gang set the trap in some old ruins on Camelot Nine.

What could it be?! What is the secret of the super powerful ruins?! Is it a Monitor Space Station?!

Over on Cadmusworld, The Fatal Five forget that being evil means your arrogance and pride will lead to disaster. So Terry says, "Fuck caution in the ass and fling our semen in the wind! Let's go kill those meddling kids!" Then they step into the teleport and into the best page ever in this comic book.

Etrigan wears stupid shoes.

Too bad that's the only page with Etrigan 3000. He doesn't get to defeat the Fatal Five. He doesn't even get to bite off a nice, attractive hunk of one of them. The Fatal Five simply emerge, in a few panels, beside the JL3k Gang and begin the fight. So while it was a nice moment to get to see Etrigan 3000, it really didn't do much for the plot.

The fight between The Fatal Five and the JL3k Gang lasts much longer than the single panel of Locus wishing them out of existence that it should last. I'm starting to think Locus might not have allocated many stat points to her intelligence. But that's okay! She doesn't need high smarts when her adorably sexy cuteness is off the charts. I've never claimed to be deep or profound!

The entire team takes out Kali while The Fatal Four Others stand around clearing their heads from the exploding transversal and from whatever it is Etrigan and his demons did to them (I hate to be the one to bring this up but it was probably rape after evisceration. They are demons, after all. And what kind of place would Hell be if nobody were allowed to mention rape? I bet Hell is just rape jokes, 24/7. Oh, and rape! And evisceration!). After that, Batman knocks out The Convert because The Convert is an idiot that forgot that thing I mentioned about arrogance and also that other thing I failed to mention which was overconfidence.

Green Lantern defeats Locus because he's a jerk and she's, well...she's a bit stupid. I suppose when you have somebody with the power to change reality, they have to be a lot dumb or they'd never be defeated.

Oh, and then Wonder Woman and Superman really defeat Kali because I don't know how to read comic books.

After that, the only two members of The Fatal Five left are the useless ones, Terry and Coeval. Okay, maybe Coeval isn't entirely useless. But he's definitely not going to perform on a backwater planet like Camelot Nine that has no technology. Except maybe the Monitor Satellite Ruins they're fighting on.

More Etrigan! Because Giffen and DeMatteis are creatures of the Preboot Universe. And also maybe a little bit of the Pre-Crisis era too!

Justice League 3000 #10 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Etrigan appeared on panel. I'm the easiest date ever.

Wonder Woman #34

Seriously, DC Comics? This is the worst Monster Month Variant yet! Misogyny!

Wonder Woman's monthly is late! I blame Cliff Chiang! But who can stay mad at Cliff Chiang? He can take as much time as needed so I don't have to look at Goran Sudzuka's sub-par imitations of his work!

Now I feel bad because Goran Sudzuka's work is anything but sub-par, especially when Goran is trying to maintain the look of this comic book. I, for one, appreciate when an artist decides that the consistent look of a book is worth more than their individuality. Tony Akins should be commended as well on his work on this book. Cliff Chiang brought a truly distinct look to this comic book that modern readers don't see very often and I loved it from the first cover of Issue #1. And I've probably shoved my tongue up Chiang's ass on dozens of occasions, so let me give some of that tongue love to Goran Sudzuka and Tony Akins now. Thank you for maintaining the look on this book and trying your best to rival Cliff Chiang's cocky-ass work. All the artists on this book have just done a great job. I figure I should say that now before the book takes a huge nose dive into Shitsville (I think that's a trademark of Zynga) with the upcoming change in creators.

I should probably also thank the editors because I'm sure they had a hand in maintaining the consistently beautiful look of this comic book but fuck them. They're editors! Editors are the worst!

This is what was happening when the last issue left off two or three months ago.

Wonder Woman has been stabbed in the kidney up on Mount Olympus with the only person left to help her being Strife. So she's fucked. Except her name is on the cover of the comic book, so it'll probably all work out. Although Diana would probably be better off dying than being drawn by David Finch. Every time I read it, I'm going to be wondering, "Is this Wonder Girl? Why is Wonder Girl in this? What happened to Wonder Woman?!"

Zola is still trying to protect Zeke because she's the only one that didn't immediately realize Zeke was Zeus.

Hera is no longer pouting because her immortality was returned to her when Apollo was killed. Now she's back to not caring about anything but herself.

And Strife is celebrating because Wonder Woman has failed. But Wonder Woman has a plan to shit all over that party.

I guess Strife is hardwired to prevent peace. Gods tend to have less free will than mortals. That's what happens when your name is also your job and your motive for everything you do.

Wesley Willis still hasn't saved everybody but I'm sure it's coming soon.

Oh shit! Look at that! He was just two pages away!

Have I mentioned I've seen Wesley Willis perform before? Of course I have! Why wouldn't I have mentioned that every time he appeared in this comic book! And also in my commentary for Grifter #1 where I wrote my own Wesley Willis song! And every time I meet a person for the first time, I say, "Hello, asshole. I am Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. I once saw Wesley Willis perform in a small club in Portland, Oregon. He sang about his roommate fucking him in the ass. I did not head butt him at all."

Wesley only saves Orion and Moon for now. He also mentions how he's going to whoop The First Born's ass like Saddam Hussein. I really wish he would have said he'd whoop The First Born's ass like he whooped Batman's ass.

Strife brings Diana back to Paradise Island where the whole gang can be reunited. Also where Diana almost calls Strife a bitch so that long time Wonder Woman fans can gasp in horror. You know, if any are even left after Issue #7.

Throughout this series, Strife and Wonder Woman have constantly been at each others' throats. I'm pleased that Hippolyta says, "It's in strife that Amazon mettle is honed." It shows that Strife always had her proper place in Wonder Woman's group even though she was so antagonistic towards them. And Strife always seemed to help out even when she was trying to undercut their plans.

Thank the New Gods for their miracle New God technology that falls from BOOM Tubes at just the right moment! Somebody should think up a clever way to say that!

Hephaestus and Dio arrive on the backs of steampunk, two-tusked mûmakil. Oh, maybe they're just elephants! But elephants with flails on their trunks! And Gatling guns for tusks! And lasers for buttholes! But that's just the final battle against The First Born and that's less important than what's happening with Zola and Zeke.

Cassandra has gone after Zola and Zeke because she didn't realize that Hera was actually going to form some kind of attachment to the woman and her child. Hera protects Zola from Cassandra long enough for Diana to arrive in time to protect Cassandra from Hera. And then it's off to Olympus to fulfill the prophecy Apollo's back-up singers prophesied way back in the first issue. And maybe also First Born #1?

Once in Olympus, before Zeke can take (retake?) the throne, Poseidon appears to block the way. So one last obstacle for one last issue before Zeus is restored and everything goes back to normal and Wonder Woman can begin battling Circe or something in Issue #36.

Wonder Woman #34 Rating: No change. I've enjoyed this entire series so far although you have to admit that it isn't really much about Diana. It's more of a comparison and contrast sort of thing. Seeing who Diana has become due to and in spite of the influences she's had in her life. And throughout the series, we've seen how she's been able to influence those influences to question themselves and to become better people. Although I have a feeling her desegregation policy for Paradise Island won't stand the test of time. Or, you know, future writers on this book.

Action Comics #35

That stuff'll kill you, Superman.

I think this cover is supposed to say "DOOMED AFTERMATH" across it. I can't wait to find out if Superman and Brainiac are now collector's items in Preboot Brainiac's collection!

Turns out, just Brainiac (Vril Dox, to be precise) was tossed into the black hole that must not have been a very good black hole because it didn't crush him at all. Superman did wind up far from Earth though. The black hole's gravity well must have slingshot him into deep space. Far enough away that he grew a full beard on the flight back home. Now, up until this point in The New 52, I don't think Superman has done a lot of flying through deep space. He did head to Krypton's solar system on one or two occasions but it never took him sixty days to get there and back. It seemed more instantaneous. But now that he's spent sixty days "tearing non-stop through endless space," I have a few questions.

How did he breathe? We just saw in Superman Unchained that Superman needs to breathe and that he can't hold his breath for very long. I suppose he could hold it longer when a super powerful alien is not punching him in the throat. But sixty days? And did he choose a route that flew close to a bunch of yellow suns while avoiding those asshole red suns? How did he not just run out of energy and lose his power on the way home? And why does he fly straight through the rings of Saturn instead of going around? Stop fucking up our traditional view of the solar system by warping Saturn's rings, you jerk!

Anyway, Superman finally finds his way back to Earth. But is it the Earth he's actually from?! Dun dun DUN!

Well, whatever Earth he's found, Bruce Wayne is still an asshole control freak.

Supergirl meets Superman while he's falling through the sky thanks to Batman's Anti-Superman Satellite systems. Hey, you can never be too careful, right? He might have come back as Doomsday! Which, as we've seen, is only exacerbated by Kryptonite. So, you know, good job, Batman. You fucking moron.

Speaking of Doomsday, does Superman still have his Doomsday Herpes? Luckily Lois Lane was cured of her Brainiachlamydia at the end of Doomed. The Fortress of Solitude has been smashed to pieces (again! Wasn't it destroyed in Superman Unchained as well? I guess it's easy to rebuild. All Superman has to do is plant a crystal from Krypton) which means Krypto is probably running loose around the neighborhood super fucking all of the other dogs. And what must Wonder Woman be thinking? Her boyfriend has been missing for two months! I hope Wonder Woman took possession of Warworld as conciliation!

Ha ha ha! Omni your way out of that one, Shay!

Look, I'm not going to shed a tear about the disappearance of Scott Lobdell's creation, Shay Veritas, from continuity. But it just doesn't make any sense! Why would she be sucked into The Phantom Zone when she was merely a holographic projection inside the Fortress of Solitude? She can't leave The Block in the center of the Earth for comic book reasons! It looks like the editors and Greg Pak are using the aftermath of Doomed to clean house a little bit. No more easy way to shove villains into The Phantom Zone. No more Shay Veritas telling everybody the answers to everything. No more dangerous menagerie of aliens being kept for the fun of it by Superman. And Supergirl isn't done with the bad news! I bet it's that Wonder Woman and Lex Luthor are now dating.

Supergirl points out that Kandor is also missing and wonders if maybe Brainiac took it. Why doesn't she think it is also in The Phantom Zone? Every other disappearance she credits with the implosion of The Phantom Zone projector. And she's only guessing at those because she mentions how she has searched Earth for traces of Non, Mongul, and the Phantom King only to find no trace of them. Therefore, Supergirl concludes, they are in The Phantom Zone. As is Shay since she's missing. And the menagerie since it's missing. But not Kandor! Kandor is special or something.

I guess I should read further before commenting even if Supergirl spends three panels freaking out about where the Bottled City could have gone and speculating on things other than it being in The Phantom Zone. It turns out she seems to think they're inside since she's relieved to find they should be all right since there is no time in The Phantom Zone. Although time passes while inside or else nobody could ever think through a linear thought and would just be frozen in stasis. I think The Phantom Zone just recycles the same second over and over again so that it seems like linear time but nothing ages or changes.

Superman reboots the Fortress of Solitude which should regrow itself in forty days. Until then, we can all rest easy that we won't have to hear from Omniologist Shay Veritas.

Without a Fortress of Solitude, Superman decides to spend some time as Clark Kent, Investigative Journalist! So he heads to Smallville to find some clues. Or closure. Or something.

I'm dead inside so I don't care about Lana and Clark's relationship.

Clark and Lana head down to the Smallville Cemetary [sic] to visit Lana's parents since they died during Doomed. Lana lets Clark know that she resents him for not saving her parents because she knows him personally so, you know, her people are more important than other people's people. Then she takes him to meet her boyfriend. I hope it's Lex Luthor! Or Krypto!

Turns out it's John Henry Irons. It's obvious what she sees in him! He's a steel driving man!

Later Clark visits with Bruce Wayne who informs Clark that he does not have Doomsday Herpes anymore. Clark decides it's because he flew through a bunch of black holes. Bruce figures that Clark is a lying piece of shit. Clark gives Bruce a small melanoma on his scalp because take that, you smug asshole. Bruce puts an untraceable microscopic tracker inside Superman's cup of tea that is programmed to attach to the inside of Superman's urethra. Superman reads all of Bruce's secret papers with his x-ray vision while they talk. Both of them ignore the palpable, overwhelming sexual tension in the room.

Next on the list of people to get reacquainted with before finding his dog: Lois Lane.

More cleanup!

You know Clark wrote the "Who Needs Superman, Anyway?" article just to find out Lois Lane's reaction to Superman! And apparently she still loves him! Clark has a chance! Clark must have blogged the piece on Clarkcatropolis.com because Lois read it. But it only became popular after Lois reblogged it because a bunch of shallow d-bags read Lois's shitty blog but not Clark's massively intellectual and super entertaining and insightful blog! Where's my Lois? Oh! I remember! Gail Simone is my Lois! The only time anybody notices me is when Gail Simone reblogs something! I like when she likes something I've written and doesn't reblog it because then it's like a secret between us that none of her rabid fans get to share in!

Lois Lane writes a retaliatory piece explaining why Superman is needed. Which is exactly what Clark Kent wanted to hear! What a manipulative little drama weasel! What a compliment fisherman! What a great reporter! He tricked Lois into doing all the research in one article that he couldn't be bothered to perform himself! Now he knows where Baka has been and where Metallo (now Metal Zero, hero!) has been and what Martian Manhunter is doing and Supergirl and Ghost Soldier and lots of other stuff! She even tells him where to find Krypto! Clark Kent is so smart! And lazy!

Lois says some stupid shit, you know the kind she usually writes. But then Lana has a rebuttal to Lois! But Lana doesn't have a popular blog so she just stands in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] and speaks her rebuttal into the wind.

You could have asked J'onn J'onzz to save your parents, you know.

It isn't Clark that startles Lana. It's zombies! No, seriously. It's zombies. Her parents are clawing up out of their graves to eat her brains. Hopefully Clark did hear her and now he'll teach her a lesson. Let her save herself! Although recent portrayals of Lana Lang (all by Greg Pak) have led me to believe that she doesn't have a problem fighting monsters and taking care of herself. I guess she's just feeling particularly sorry for herself and mad at Clark because of her parents' deaths. I think this zombie thing will help move her past that.

Action Comics #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think a lot of comic books are going to feel like they're the best version of the comic that I've ever read now that Futures End Month is over and these comics can settle into a non-crossover rhythm for a few months.

Green Lantern #35

I'm happy to be getting the Monsters of the Month variant covers for October but...WHY AM I GETTING VARIANT COVERS?!

I suppose I shouldn't be asking nobody the question about my Variant Covers. How are you lot of nobodies going to know the answer to it?! I should ask my comic book store owner, Peter, why I'm getting Variant Covers. But I'm not going to because I secretly like getting Variant Covers! Sure, they'll make my entire run of Green Lantern worthless because people will want the original covers for every issue if they're buying the entire run. But I don't have Issue #1 for most of The New 52 comics anyway, so my collection is already worthless! The best part about Variant Covers is that they're spoiler free! Unless Hal Jordan is going to somehow make yellow constructs that eat his own head in this issue.

Last issue was the Godhead issue about God's sucking on the genitals of other Gods. Unless it was about Highfather's jealousy over Darkseid getting all of the action figures and cartoon appearances while he has been relegated to the guy whose name only invokes the question "Who's that?" It also might have been some editors grand idea to subvert the usual universal catastrophe of Darkseid searching for the Anti-Life Equation with the universal catastrophe of Highfather searching for the Life Equation.

Inside A Secret Pitch Meeting At DC Comics
Obnoxious DC Editor: "Listen to this idea I had while taking a shower this morning, you guys! Imagine a story called 'The Phallus of the Gods!' In it, Darkseid will ruin everything while searching for the Anti-Life Equation! It'll be a huge hit just like every other time Darkseid did that!"
Contrariwise DC Editor: "Stop right there! It's perfect! Except we'll call it 'Godhead' and instead of Darkseid searching for the Anti-Life Equation...get this!...we'll have Highfather ruining everything while searching for the Life Equation!"
Kiss Ass DC Editor: "MIND. BLOWN." *mimes his head exploding*
Obnoxious DC Editor: *pouts. Kicks fake rock. Peanuts music begins to play.*

I had to change the names of the editors involved in the meeting or else my Source, which allows me to recreate moments in the DC Office in such near perfect detail, might be uncovered. Don't worry, Sterling! Nobody will ever find out it's you!

Who is Aydin? One of the members of One Direction?

Oh yeah! Aydin is the planet that Highfather just gave Godhead to last issue. He thought he'd pull the old White Lantern trick where you make everybody's decisions for them which makes them much happier and healthier and not full of resentment and anger at all because you also took away their ability to feel anger and resentment. Except Highfather doesn't have the same powers as a White Lantern. He just used the substandard "All Spectrum Light Power" that looks like White Lantern light but isn't really. So he turned everybody on Aydin into Monsters of the Month and then commanded the New Gods to mercy kill them.

Hal, Kilowog, John Stewart, Salaak, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 must figure out what to do now before Mogo's atmosphere freezes around them and Mogo becomes a great big ice chunk in deep space. I don't know why 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 is in on a meeting of four of the top Green Lanterns but it's probably because she's my favorite.

Meanwhile, Saint Walker continues to be a huge downer.

Hope is the most powerful light in the spectrum? Fiddle sticks! Hope is pissing in the wind! Hope is for losers! I'd rather have anger than hope! At least anger gets things done and faces punched! You're never going to get your own comic book, Saint Walker, if it's going to be twenty pages of you sitting around saying things like, "I hope every thing will be okay!" Or "I hope giant flying space spiders don't consume the universe!" Or "I hope this constipation doesn't last too long!"

You know what I hope? I hope one of those pacifist Green Lanterns that has been refusing to use his or her ring will give it up to Mogo already to save Green Lantern Headquarters!

Over at the Source Wall, Metron and Highfather recount what happened in Godhead #1, saving savvy readers $4.99! Then Metron decides that the only way to figure out what this "White Lantern" is is to contact the Green Lantern Corps. Too bad these New Gods haven't been paying very close attention to anything in the universe that doesn't directly concern them or Metron would realize this is only a good idea if he was looking to get punched in the jaw by thousands of poorly thought out Green Lantern constructs.

Somebody give Mogo their Gott Damned ring already! Oh! Or just make one the way Sinestro made one for Hal! Big dumb dumbs!

Metron begins hacking the Green Lantern's servers. I just assumed each ring contained all the knowledge of everything inside of it! I can be so naive sometimes! But, as Hal Jordan correctly and smartly and astutely points out, the connection is a two-way street! Because most streets are two ways! Except those ones in little European villages that can barely fit one car down them and wind around like a serpent's penis. Using Mogo's ring, Hal gets a visual of Metron. I bet he's going to see the Source Wall reflected in Metron's eyes to discover where to go to punch Metron in the jaw!

Fuck you, Salaak! Smart ass! Do you want to do these commentaries?

While three whole Green Lanterns head out to deal with twelve unknown aliens (not so highly reasoned, that!), Metron begins analyzing the data he's stolen.

Metron sucks at analyzing data! New Genesis didn't know about any White Lanterns before this. So you can't conclude that only one White Lantern exists when you discover one! What you conclude is that New Genesis sucks at collecting information. Although Metron is probably right. Stupid comic books. Always allowing characters to jump to the right conclusions in the wrong ways.

The Green Lanterns arrive (about eighteen of them, so I, apparently, jump to the wrong conclusions in all ways) just as Metron decides they need to investigate Earth, the home of Kyle Rayner. That's just the kind of thing to cause Hal Jordan to ask questions later. Although Metron and Orion did steal Mogo's ring, so I think Hal already arrived in a non-talking mood.

See? New Genesis sucks at gathering data. They didn't know anything about The Stick™.

Orion and Hal have a bit of a chest puffing moment and, I'm glad to say, Orion is the better chest puffer. Perhaps Hal should employ the "threaten his testicles" measure that worked so well for Wonder Woman to keep him in line.

The Green Lanterns quickly learn about a word called humility before Metron, Orion, and Highfather's guards BOOM Tube back to New Genesis with information about Kyle Rayner. Hal decides the Lanterns need help and since he can't figure out that Mogo just needs a new ring, he decides the Corps will abandon Mogo and go pay a visit to Sinestro. And since Sinestro has a Magic 8 Ball named Lyssa, he's going to have tea and cakes ready for them upon their arrival.

Green Lantern #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sure, the whole Mogo thing is one of those comic book moments that don't make any sense if you have any knowledge of past Green Lantern story lines. Even if Mogo needs a very specific ring that can be utilized by a planet (which is highly doubtful seeing as how he just had a regular finger sized ring hanging from a branch), we saw Sinestro, in the beginning of this run of Green Lantern, create a ring for Hal Jordan. So I can only jump to the (wrong) conclusion that the Green Lanterns are selfish jerks that never really liked Mogo anyway and are sincerely glad that he went dormant.

Futures End: New Guardians #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don’t Put That There Chai Tea!

[Slight buzzing sounds for several seconds before being replaced by clear and enthusiastic sounds of fucking. Sounds reach a loud frenzy before dissolving into simply hurried breathing and panting.]

Archivist Melville: "Mmm. Thank you, Goggles."
Goggles: "Thank you, Archivist. I fucking needed some of that. I think I see why you chose the name Melville."
Archivist Melville: "*chuckling* Because I'm a damn good scrivener?"
Goggles: "Heh. It's not your pen I was impressed with."
Archivist Melville: "Quite a perk, this limo, hmm?"
Goggles: "Yeah. I'm just sorry we don't have enough vehicles for all these Old York and Reading City refugees."
Archivist Melville: "What are you going to do with them, Goggs? What's the plan?"

[Long silence punctuated by a few deep inhales and some slight coughing.]

Goggles: "I don't know anymore, Mel. I just don't fucking know. I thought I knew. I had this grand idea...this beautiful vision of paradise...Buzztown shared with everyone. But now...looking at them and traveling with them...there's just too damn many of them. How do this many people agree on anything?"
Archivist Melville: "What about the Kinder Camps? Weren't you going to...I don't know...?"
Goggles: "I'm still waiting to hear from the Professor about Death Carousel up in Maine. I thought maybe the abandoned children might have some insights on a new way of life, having been mostly raised outside of the Former Times. But from what I heard on the Upper Kinder Camp recording, that ain't no place for adults, you know? Maybe it's different elsewhere. Maybe we can learn something and incorporate it into our vision of the future. Maybe...fuck, Mel...maybe it's just too late for us. Our time is done. Let the kids have it, see?"

[Another long silence.]

Archivist Melville: "Why the language, Goggs?"
Goggles: *laughter* "Why not? I figured the revolution needed a language all its own. We need something new, sees it? Something that isn't...wasn't theirs."
Archivist Melville: "You just want to burn it down and start over. My colleagues and I want to save it all. I can't quite fathom how I've found myself locked inside an expensive limousine with a young, gorgeous, brilliant, Polynesian rebel."
Goggles: "Fuck it. I have no idea why I've been fucking an old, pasty white librarian the last few years." *chuckles*
Archivist Melville: "Daddy issues?"

[Another long silence.]

Archivist Melville: "Shit. Sorry, Goggles. I just...oh, just sorry."
Goggles: "No, no. Fuck it. Father issues is probably right. Why else was I so obsessed with my fucking college Literature teacher when the end of the world decided to squat down on top of us and release its bowels?"
Archivist Melville: "You know I'm not going anywhere, right? I promise to be by your side no matter what we need to do next."
Goggles: "Naw. Don't say that, Mel. No more promises. Promises don't belong in this new world. Promises only get people killed. You do what you need to do when the time comes to do it. Only thing that matters is staying alive."
Archivist Melville: "You think Shortystuff will make a move soon?"

[Another long silence. Slight coughing. An electric buzz.]

Goggles: "Fuck. Who even knows if he's alive anymore. Or if he cares."
Archivist Melville: "Well, he did try to get to you through me. So, he must want something."
Goggles: "I think he just wanted me out of his city. I still have a voice but...what good is it if I'm not identifiable. If I'm not one of them...one of the Lower Voices, you know? Now? I'm just a wanderer. An outcast. I'm no good to nobody except to get them riled up, angry, and scared. And that...fuck, man. That ain't what I wanted. I ain't never wanted to be that."
Archivist Melville: "Why...why the comic books, Goggs? Seriously, what the fuck were you doing? You could have been reading Emerson or Thoreau! Shakespeare! The founding fathers had some pretty fine things to say about revolution too, you know?"
Goggles: "Fuck all those white men. What the fuck do they have to say that's ever meant anything at all to me? Comic books...well, shit. Lotta white men behind them too...and in them, see? But...but they can sometimes transcend the person writing them. The characters are an amalgamation of lots of different writers and different minds and...and...they react to the audience. The characters, whatever race they might be, whatever sex...they reflect the audience. They're masked for a reason, you know. Bruce Wayne might be white...but Batman? Fuck no. Batman's a symbol. Spider-man's a symbol. Peter Parker may be white but why the fuck you think J. Jonah Jameson is so scared of Spider-man, hmm? Cause he's the unknown. He's the other. He's, you know, not white."
Goggles: "Take a character like Black Lightning. Written by a white guy. Talked like a jive turkey for a long time. Could easily be looked at as, well, as just another poor attempt at diversity that a white guy did all wrong. But he was also an educator that spoke white people just as well as any fucking white guy. But he knew the strength of language, and the place of language, and that speaking jive didn't make him uneducated...it transformed him into somebody who belonged in a very specific space. Oh, sure, it also helped hide his secret identity! But spoken language is important, and Jeff Pierce...or Tony Isabella? Who cares, really?...anyway, he, or they, knew just how important it could be. But you think the kids first encountering Black Lightning gave a shit about all that political and language crap? No way. This here was just some cool black dude with super powers that was going to get shit done. You think those kids cared that a white man was writing him? No fucking way. Maybe you can say it's manipulative. But you can't also say it wasn't fucking inspiring."

[Electric buzzing. Knocking noises. Another long silence.]

Goggles: "I don't know what I'm trying to say. I mean, race matters and yet, in comics, maybe it...you know...maybe it matters less. So I didn't want to foment revolution on the words of old white guys. I wanted to use super heroes. Fuck yeah, more of those bastards are white than need to be. But it's easier to obfuscate the person behind it all. Writers, editors, artists, multiple characters, masks...the fucking masks, see?...it's easier to inspire a wider range of people. At least...well, at least that was what I was thinking. I was thinking of Black Lightning. And, well, maybe a little bit of Katana too. Maybe I was thinking a lot about Barr and Aparo's Outsiders. They were more than just a team. They were a family, you know? And they were diverse. And they...they fought against the Force of July! They fought against unbridled patriotism! Think about that! They were revolutionary!"
Archivist Melville: "I can watch you talk comic books naked while smoking a joint all night, Goggs."
Goggles: "Shut up. It might be entertaining for you but I've been having to watch Moby shrink down into a little polywog there for the last few minutes. Put some fucking shorts on or something, why doncha?"
Archivist Melville: "You're a cruel woman."

[Shuffling sounds, static, and several grunts]

Archivist Melville: "Is this the comic you were going to talk about next? New Guardians?"
Goggles: "Yeah. Yeah, but...well...shit. It just depressed me. See, it's about this Lantern, Kyle Rayner, that's decided he has the right to change the universe so that nobody has to suffer. But one woman rebels against his ability to change her even though the change will make her happier. He shows her the suffering in the universe and how he's making it better but she still refuses to change because it's not his choice. It's everybody's choice."
Archivist Melville: "Aha. I see."
Goggles: "Yeah. What right do I have? I'm fucking tired, Mel. Maybe...maybe I should just drive off...leave everybody to figure the way forward for themselves. But then...I mean, how can...." *sighs*
Goggles: "Why the fuck are they following me? Why did they leave their lives, hunh? I regret leaving Buzztown! I regret my choices in Saint Lois! I'm beginning to regret this whole movement! All I do is regret my fucking decisions! And now I'm going to regret encouraging this nonsense! I already see the future. I see The Professor slipping out of the city when things got too hot. He had to live his life his way and he couldn't be responsible for anybody else any more. That's me. That's me, very likely...and very soon, I'm afraid."
Archivist Melville: "Why'd you leave Buzztown, Goggs? You talk about it like it was blissful and serene?"
Goggles: "I felt too guilty there. Skates, Alice, Little Tokyo, Tallyforth, Cummerbund...dead. All dead because of me...or, well, us actually. They made their choices as well. But why did those choices lead me to safety and paradise and them straight to their graves? I couldn't stay. I had no right to be there. But other people living in the hell of the cities brought about by the rich fuckers? They should have the chance. The people like Shizgiggles...still out there, somewhere...like my long dead friends...those people deserved happiness and comfort. But not me. Fucking hell, not me."
Archivist Melville: "Who the fuck do you think you are, Goggles? Fucking Moses?"
Goggles: "What? I...heh. Maybe. Yeah. I'm the fucking Muses, aren't I? Everybody deserves the Promised Land but me. Maybe. Maybe that's it exactly. Anyway, how about you shut your fucking mouth so I can get some sleep, hunh?"
Archivist Melville: "Goggles...I...yeah. Okay. Go to sleep, you dumb bitch."
Goggles: "Fuck off, old man."

[Clicking, shifting of leather on leather, loud slam. Rustling and static and, eventually, snoring.]