Red Lanterns #32

Since the new Sandman keeps not being for sale every Wednesday, this cover is as close as we're going to get to the next issue.

I read Red Lanterns #32 without the will to comment on it. It was written by Charles Soule. It was good. He probably makes the angry Red Lanterns talk more than they probably should but I guess the Blood Ocean adds a bit of a philosophical bent to them as well as making them sane. That would make sense and would explain why Atrocitus is prone to a soliloquy or two. That fucker probably bathed in that thing daily for years. Anyway, Rankorr was saved although he's gone feral again. And Atrocitus trashed Ysmault and shit in the Blood Ocean. The place is a rank disaster now. The only thing that survived was a statue of Ratchet because he must have been doing some crazy sexy things with those tentacles to the Red Lantern leader.

The other big thing that happened was Supergirl was sent packing because Guy Gardner didn't want to see her hurt and believes she doesn't deserve to be saddled with the Lantern curse. He probably sees a bit of himself in her. Young and angry with a fuck ton of potential and plenty of years to make something of herself. He let his anger choose the course of his destiny and he doesn't want to see that happen to her as well. I know Guy thinks of himself as a hero but he also seems to believe he deserves his place on the Red Lanterns. I'm pretty sure it stems from his Daddy Issues.

Here's a picture because comic books use pictures. A lot!

Red Lanterns #32 Rating: No change. As I said, it was written by Charles Soule so it doesn't disappoint. Right now he's the anti-Lobdell. I expect one of Soule's comics to be good and believe it is before even reading it. The benefit of the doubt for Soule skews toward believing he knows what he's doing. When I pick up a Lobdell book, I already assume it's shit. The benefit of the doubt for Lobdell skews toward believing he's making each page up as he goes and barely remembers what happened in his own comic book three pages back. Also, he's too lazy to reread his script to figure it out.

So now that the comic book part of this session is over, you can go. Or you can stay and read another project I never finished. It was mostly to help me get a grip on Samuel Beckett's Murphy but it was also at a time when I was writing children's versions of modern literature novels. Why should adults be the only ones to learn that society is a ruthless, awful place that grinds down an individual until they can barely function anymore? They should learn that before they go through schooling, not after! Most of the books I was writing were meant for children who have had a year or two of reading under their belt. Get them the truth as soon as possible, I say! This version of Murphy was for older kids up to about sixty or so. And I only managed to get halfway through Murphy before it stalled (halfway on this read. I think I'd read it twice before I began this project). I also imagined grainy, unfinished pencil sketches of each of the characters as they were introduced.

Murphy
By Samuel Beckett
Interpreted by Grunion Guy

There was a man named Murphy who didn't quite fit in. Or more precisely, he couldn't quite fit in. Or closer to the truth, he just wouldn't quite fit in.

There was also a man named Neary who couldn't teach Murphy to love in the unrequited way that Neary loved the woman who loved a man who loved a woman who loved a man who loved a woman who loved Neary.

There was a woman named Celia who couldn't quite make it work with Murphy. At least she couldn't get Murphy to work so that their relationship could. And the kind of work that Celia did worked completely against the bounds of a relationship.

The problem, thought Celia, was that Murphy wouldn't work. Work would keep them bound. The problem, thought Murphy, was that he had tried to work and it didn't. Work would be their undoing.

But Murphy allowed for one more chance at work, for Celia had become common in his life and he felt he should make a minimal effort to keep her around. He'd trust his fate to the stars except he didn't have the money even for a reading. Celia would just have to be happy with his thinking about an attempt at finding work.

Celia wasn't. So Celia and Murphy parted because she wanted him to be other than he was and he wanted her to love just what she saw. Murphy also didn't seem to be bothered one way or the other if Celia stayed or she went.

There was an old man named Kelly who dreamt of flying a kite. He advised Celia to be rid of Murphy but knew love wouldn't let her hear him.

So Celia brought Murphy his horoscope hoping it would help her side. But when Murphy saw that it bade him wait, Celia denied its portents.

And once again it would seem they would part if one of them wouldn't give. Murphy waited for her to give. And waited. And waited. She wouldn't. So Murphy sighed and put on a clean shirt.

Meanwhile the woman whom Neary loved grew tired of chasing the man she loved and suddenly accepted Neary's advances. But being completely happy did not make Neary completely happy and so he declared himself unworthy of love.

At that time, the man whom the woman Neary loved loved had grown tired of chasing the woman he loved and so Neary's love found love with the man she loved and things were set back to rights.

There was also a woman named Miss Couniban whose heart belonged to Murphy. Neary met her and fell in love and, once again, became completely happy in the abject misery of unrequited love.

Miss Counihan spurned all his advances because Murphy was meant for her. Even though she had not heard from him since he went off to find his fortune for it seemed he could not write and make good at the same time. Miss Counihan was understanding of the missing missives because she'd rather be hopeful than miserable.

Miss Counihan would not budge from love. Until four months later when she ran into Neary again and suggested that perhaps she might see her way to possibly advancing a romance with Neary if proof were shown that Murphy had renounced his love for her. She would also make exceptions for his death, poverty, unfaithfulness, possibly cleanliness, perhaps even if he'd grown a slight beard or had taken to wearing shirts she wasn't used to.

There was a drunk named Cooper who Neary sent to London to find out what he could of Murphy while Neary waited for word in Dublin keeping watch on Miss Counihan's hotel. Cooper searched many glasses of beer for Murphy but could not find him.

There was a man named Wilie who also worshiped Miss Counihan from afar. While Neary had only Murphy to deal with, Wilie also had Neary to be rid of.

Weeks later, Cooper lost Murphy and Neary despaired until an old student named Wilie came to his rescue.

Wilie concocted a plan that would remove Neary to London to deal with Cooper and Murphy leaving Wilie alone in Dublin to sing the praises of Neary to Miss Counihan.

There once was a woman named Miss Carridge who was the landlady of the apartment where Murphy and Celia moved in together. She was probably important in some way or another.

For five months, while Celia avoided the outside world because its debate argued strongly in favour of Murphy's anti-work philosophy, Murphy wandered within it, not quite looking for a job, but absolutely avoiding conflict with Celia.

There once was a waitress named Vera who was apathetically complicit in Murphy's defrauding a caterer of 0.83 cups of tea. But what was it to her should her employers not get the full amount of the highway robbery profit they extracted from simple customers each and every day? Besides, she could not resist Murphy's surgical quality.

There once was a post-alcoholic man who mattered little except as a playing piece to further Murphy's fate. Somehow, his name was Austin Ticklepenny and he had previously enjoyed writing non-rhyming rhymes.

There once was a German doctor named Fist who sent Ticklepenny to an asylum to find work in the hopes of curing him of his doggerel and his drink.

With no drink and no time to compose, Ticklepenny became a new man. But now, he told Murphy, his work as a custodian for lunatics was driving him mad. A vacancy in the position was needed as soon as a replacement could be found to fill it.

Murphy saw in this job a fulfillment of his star's wishes and agreed to take Ticklepenny's position, leaving Ticklepenny and Vera to settle the bill however they pleased.

Because Celia had Murphy and Murphy, Celia, old man Kelly now had nobody.

Because Miss Counihan thought she had Murphy though Murphy had forgotten about her, Neary now had nobody.

Because Neary and Murphy were both lost in London, Wylie had Miss Counihan all to himself. And although she insisted her heart belonged to Murphy, it seemed she didn't mind giving most nearly everything else over to Wylie's ministrations.

There once was a man who had no name. Celia knew him by the sounds he made pacing his room above her head. Until the day Murphy met Ticklepenny when the man with no name suddenly made no more sounds.

In the face of this shocking thing, the last thing Celia now cared about was that Murphy had found a job. And Murphy only cared about the job because Celia had cared about Murphy getting a job.

So here, in the middle, nobody was happy. Mostly because everybody wanted something from someone that didn't want something from them in return. But they all seemed to believe that having put some effort toward loving a person that had constantly failed to love them back was reason enough to put even more effort into pursuing that person until they no longer knew why they loved the person they loved only that they would be damned if all of their efforts were going to go to waste.

[unfinished. sad face]

The Flash #32

Mirror Master died last issue, you stupid cover.

This is the story about The Flash. This is also a story about The Flash. You might think that I'm repeating myself! You might think I'm repeating myself but you'd be wrong. You'd be wrong because there are actually two Flashes. "Two Flashes!" you are probably exclaiming loudly. Loudly exclaiming, I reply, "Why yes! One Flash from the past and one Flash from the future!" The Flash from the future has been going back in time killing his enemies. His enemies are being killed. Being killed sucks so they're trying not to be killed but what can you do when the fastest man alive decides to time travel and break all the rules and be a complete and utter dick?

Speaking of complete and utter dicks, Wally West has been introduced recently and he's a complete and utter dick. Complete and utter together probably is me repeating myself. It's just lazy writing. Sorry about that.

Currently twelve years in the future, The Flash is visiting a dying Captain Cold. It's not The Flash from the past! That one doesn't believe in time travel. Hell, he's just beginning to realize that his power is fucked the closer he runs to the speed of light. It's nice that he doesn't age at all when he runs halfway around the world at the speed of light to save a city from a volcano but it kind of sucks that the city is already destroyed by the time he gets there and everyone is already rebuilding. That's odd, isn't it? To think that his power is super speed so he should be able to do things faster than everybody else. But he's really doing things slower than everybody else! Unless it's all different somehow! Stupid physics! I suppose all those notes from my physics teacher saying how I'm not completing assignments or turning in homework were meant to help me learn this stuff that I didn't learn very well! I only took physics so I could go to Great America for free on Physics Day!

Past Flash is busy investigating a case.

Why does The Flash even bother to talk while running? Nobody can understand him!

The Flash fails to defeat Merge because Merge has Gravitor's gravity gun which introduces some more concepts of physics into the fight. I can barely even pretend to do calculus! How am I supposed to pretend I know the way gravity warps space and time and what effect that would have on The Flash's speed powers! Which are actually time powers. Which would mean they're also space powers. Which would mean gravity would warp them both causing The Flash's torque to become the momentum of the velocity over time and frosted with a delicate layer of relativistic spatial concerns!

In other words, The Flash goes flying through the sky due to complex reasons.

Well you're not going to fix it by going back in time to a point where it wasn't broken! It's space-time, you ponce! It breaks in one place, it's broken in all the places! Um. I think! Maybe you should just go about your business. It's worth a shot, right?

The rest of the scene between Barry and Leonard as he dies is touching. But I don't do touching! Unless it's Alfred touching Batman's dick!

Back in the past, The Flash manages to piss off Patty because he basically admits to her that he wants to bang Iris. He wasn't as crude as all that but he's a naive douche, so he simply told Patty he couldn't spend the evening with her because he was going to a ball game with Wally and Iris. After being shot by Gravitor's gun, I bet he didn't understand the gravity of the situation! Bwa ha ha!

Later at the baseball game, Barry tries to convince Wally that baseball isn't boring. He's unsuccessful until hometown slugger Cuntock hits a home run and then suddenly Wally loves baseball.

Making baseball look exciting is the most unbelievable aspect of this comic book.

The Flash #32 Rating: No change. Am I still ranking these comic books?! I like reading them. I like saying stupid things about them. But I don't like explaining why they're good or bad in a summary at the end of my reviews! It's like work! I actually have to concentrate on something for a few minutes? Boring! I'll try though! Brett Booth's art was often goofy. If he were a better artist, it wouldn't be so goofy. The goofiness of his art left a goofy feeling in the part of my brain that deals with goofy. The writing was pretty good though. I liked the Leonard dying part although not because Captain Cold died. Captain Cold is my favorite!

Batman Eternal #12

Batman only appeared in one panel last issue so this time he demanded the cover.

Once upon a time in Gotham City, a thug said, "Isn't that a funny name? Gotham? Like Got Ham! Except with a lisp in the middle!" Another thug said "BAM!" although he needed a gun as an interpreter. The first thug crumpled to the ground dramatically and whispered, "Tell mother I lo...." Then he died. The other thug had no idea what the first thug's last words were because hearing words is different than reading words. So you can read "tell mother I lo" and know exactly what was said. But the thug heard them and it just sounded like a bunch of syllables strung together nonsensically. And since the interpreter had killed the first thug, the second thug couldn't ask, "What was that you said?" Even though the second thug actually did ask, "What was that you said?" I guess I should have said he could ask the question but he wasn't about to get an answer. Although he did get an answer! The answer was "BAM!" because the first thug had his gun in his hand and when rigor mortis set in because he was dead, the first thug's finger whispered something to the trigger of his interpreter which translated to "BAM!" The second thug slumped to the ground and said, "Tell your mother I lo...." Then he died too! Nobody was around to not understand his last words. It was all very romantic.

That story is just one of the many stories in the lives of the people that never get their stories told in Batman Eternal! The stories are always about the leaders of the gangs or the people in costumes with funny names or the employees of the Gotham Police Department that have been given any name at all. Occasionally a thug will get a name and soon become a minor fan favorite of the most nerdiest comic book readers as they try to secretly show their knowledge of comic books by insisting that their favorite character is a recurring character that nobody else has ever heard of or even noticed because they're so insignificant. Like Wedge Antilles and that nerdy guy from Star Trek the Next Generation that always reminded me of the crazy member of the A-Team crossed with Max Headroom. Barkley or something! I can't remember because he's never been my favorite because I'm not one of those people that need to be the biggest nerd in the room. Also I don't own a yo-yo.

The other day as I walked past a bar, three guys were standing outside playing with yo-yos. It was more annoying than if they had been standing around smoking cow pies! Is yo-yoing an impressive skill? Maybe I should learn to yo-yo? Would that bring all the boys to my yard? Except I'd want the boys to be the girl type of boys! I'm pretty sure I want to do it with girls rather than boys. I mean, I know I do because I've done it so many times before and I was so good at it every time the girl said, "Thank you for putting your dipdong in my wheestack."

That Penguin's really a crazy clown!

Falcone's right hand man is named Roadrunner because he wants to be important some day. Starting out with a stupid alias is one of the best ways to suddenly become important in the world of comic books. Sometimes you don't even need a stupid alias! Just a stupid name like Ignatius Ogilvy!

Meanwhile Jason Bard has decided to go the "get famous by having a normal name but joining the Gotham Police Department" route. Sometimes you don't even need to join the police department! Sometimes you can just open up a detective agency and help the Batman as proven by Jason Bard (preboot version!). Although you might need a slight affectation to get the readers attention, like a cane or a Prince Albert.

Jason Bard has been investigating Falcone and The Penguin and has realized they are having a gang war. He has lots of evidence including dead bodies and photographs of the dead bodies on his wall and pieces of string connecting pictures of dead bodies with pictures of nameless thugs. And all the strings eventually connect to Falcone or The Penguin! With that kind of string theory, Jason Bard has an open and shut case against these crime lords! Maggie Sawyer and Harvey Bullock agree that having names is a good thing to have in the Gotham Police Department. They also agree that he has a lot of evidence. But they don't agree that he can convict Falcone or The Penguin because Jack Forbes had such a straight shooting regular person name that he became commissioner! And he's against arresting criminals. He only wants to arrest vigilantes that don't kill although they do cause an excessive amount of property damage.

This guard's sense of justice might be slightly skewed! Is a life really equal to the ability to walk? I don't think those scales would balance. Although the guard might be considering the hundreds of people who died in the accident. And maybe he's thinking about the millions of dollars in damage. And it's quite possible he's wondering why he didn't think of asking the other guard to mention his name on panel so his career could take off.

The other officer gets his name mentioned but he isn't actually on panel since Batman has disguised himself as Officer Smitty! I guess Smitty is duck taped to a chair in his undershirt and boxer shorts down in the boiler room of Blackgate Prison.

Elsewhere, Harper begins hacking Red Robin's systems because Red Robin needs to know that he's not the smartest kid to ever have lived in Gotham. He has been the worst written one though! At least the worst written kid that grew up in Gotham that has yet to die and come back to life because Red Hood has been written nearly as badly. It's as if they were written by editors over the last few years. But now Red Robin is going to get a chance to say things that make sense and do things that make him likable because he's joined in the Batman Eternal story. And Red Hood gets the same chance! He's teaming up with Batgirl while Red Robin teams up with Harper (although not just yet). Damian doesn't get to join because he's dead and Nightwing doesn't get to join because Batman convinced him to pretend to be dead. Looks like Tim Drake is the only Robin that has never died. Batman should probably rethink his policy on sidekicks.

Jason Bard's plan to stop the gang war needs to be run by The Batman before it's set into motion. So Bullock calls Batman's special good time number and Batman arrives to hear the plan. Jason Bard's plan involves arresting Batman which Batman doesn't generally approve of. One of the reasons is because being arrested in Gotham always involves a cavity search. One of the other reasons is that being arrested in Gotham usually means fingerprinting and mug shots and the loss of secret identities. So if Batman is going to agree to this plan, he's probably going to have to pay some two-bit actor to pretend to be him because Batman really dislikes cavity searches.

Maybe Batman can wear his Matches Malone disguise underneath the cowl and then everybody will think Matches Malone is The Jeezly Crow Batman! Or he can always trick Julia Pennyworth into wearing the costume for a night of sexy role play with Bruce Wayne. Although I have a feeling that kind of sexy won't do it for her. Maybe if Bruce can get Kate Kane to trick Julia, it could work.

Later in Blackgate, James Gordon gets a visitor.

Somebody owes Batgirl a big apology!

Batman Eternal #12 Rating: No change. Here's a new quote for the Batman Eternal trade paperback: "I realize it says 'Batman' on the cover and the adjective 'eternal' would make it seem like this story would be a never ending stream of Batman but he's really not in this that much. If you want to read about Batman, this isn't the book for you!"

Futures End #8

This commentary is an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Primer. Highly recommended for newbies and novices.

Another week of Futures End, another week where barely anything happens! I'm predicting that! I haven't actually read it yet. You think I actually read the comic book first and fashion a coherent essay extolling the virtues and exposing the flaws of the comic book? That's fucking silly! And difficult! It's easier to just read a page and then say, "Why don't Deathstroke and Faraday get a room already where Faraday can do that thing he's always wanted to do involving an empty eye socket, his penis, and a bowel movement?"

After such an erudite observation, I type out this next sentence where I hope that I used "erudite" correctly. Then it's on to the next page where Grifter and Fifty Sue are flirting. Then I say, "Why don't Grifter and Fifty Sue get a room already where Chris Hanson can introduce himself and ask Grifter to take a seat." Also, I get to point out how whoever scripted this issue stole my fucking line.

That's verifiable Grunion Guy copyrighted material, that line about Batman and Robin!

I'll continue to read a few more pages while avoiding the "get a room" joke so that I can use it once more at the end to tie the entire thing together. I'm sure the characters I'll be telling to get a room will be Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch or Frankenstein and Amethyst.

Back in Lois Lane's office building, I might point out the gigantic fucking watch she wears on her wrist which will probably turn out to be something to summon Superman. Or I might just whine for a bit about how she created a blogging empire while my blog is just a little shitty site on Tumblr with less follows than every high school student in America. Of course, they're all posting nudies and Supernatural gifs while I'm actually taking the time to carefully construct a seemingly rambling and incoherent, often offensive and mildly racist, essay that always has a subtle intellectual subtext and/or secret message to our lizard overlords. Currently Lois is trying to figure out what a bunch of random numbers are on a sheet of paper.

Usually I'll take a moment like this to brag about my past comic book achievements. So the numbers on the paper remind me of DC Challenge when eleven different DC writers and artists wrote a bunch of cliffhanger issues to try to stump the next creative team. Mostly each subsequent creative team ignored what came before and just introduced more and more of their own plot points until the entire story was a sagging, bulging sack of D-list characters running around with no motivations. In the first issue, Batman received a clue as a string of numbers, 51773173. Being a Master Comic Book Reader (even at that young age), I realized instantly that it was the name Eli Ellis when seen backwards in a calculator readout. Of course none of the other writers picked up on this because they were all narcissistic idiots that couldn't give a shit about the story that came before their part. The whole thing was a huge fiasco and I can't wait to dig it out of my long boxes and reread it!

Sure, it's hand to mouth for you Earth 2 chumps whom Lois threatens daily with deportation while she rakes in the big money on porn adverts!

Later Superman appears to Jason Rusch and tells him to kiss and make up with Ronnie Raymond. Normally whenever Firestorm is mentioned, I'll try to point out how the original series, "The Fury of Firestorm, The Nuclear Men," was homosexual erotica masquerading as a patriotic story about defending the world from terrorists. But since Superman has now appeared wearing some kind of facemask, that would trump the Slash Fiction Matrix discussion. His chest is awfully huge as if he were drawn by Rob Liefeld or Superman were actually a woman with some kind of armor to disguise her breasts. And since the chest is so big, it must be Power Girl. Plus his ass isn't adorable enough to be Supergirl's.

Look! Thought balloons! Remember those?!

I've had a long standing continuous rant about Thought Balloons versus Narration Boxes. I'm not going to go into the specifics yet again but I will point out that I read comic books regularly from about 1983 to 2003. It was then that I stopped picking up monthly comic books and only continued reading The Walking Dead and Fables via trades. It wasn't until The New 52 started up that I decided I was going to fulfill a longtime dream of the young kid reading Crisis on Infinite of Earths which was to be able to read every single issue put out by DC Comics. It's also when I noticed some serious things had changed since I last read comic books. The thought balloon was virtually non-existent and had been replaced by first person monologues that were often ambiguous about where in time they fell. Were they the current thoughts of the character or the thoughts of the character later explaining to some unknown audience what had happened? Were they commentary tracks placed on the story which was somehow filmed for later perusal? Is the Narration Box like the dad in How I Met the Woman I Loved Who, By the Way, Was Not Your Mother doing a voice over for his or her kids? I don't know! Some writers definitely don't think it through and just write as if the main characters thoughts are from an omnipotent future viewpoint. It's fucking awful.

Also, I tend to swear a lot and disparage Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti.

Still the only dead characters so far in Futures End (not counting #0). Thank God that Hawkman was one of them! Oh, another important tidbit about me: I don't actually believe in God. But I do often thank him and scream at his son when I stub my toe.

Meanwhile in Southeast Asia, some "archaeologists" have discovered a hidden temple that portends evil things for the future. It also houses the creature on the cover which loves to kill stuff. I think its an insane Metron. Or maybe Beowulf!

Here's the temple and all its clues. Obviously it has a heavy Earth 3 theme with some minor Pandora Skull flourishes and what looks like a likeness of the Anti-Monitor destroying everything.

Futures End #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. Okay, nobody died but I still enjoyed it. This final paragraph is where I generally obfuscate how I really felt about the comic book by making some really lame jokes because I'm obviously ready to go play Call of Duty or Culdcept Saga. The +1 Ranking refers to the list on the right hand side of my blog. It's a current list of how I'd rate all the titles in The New 52. It's not very accurate and often doesn't represent how I truly feel because it's not scientific at all. The titles in the list are also links to pages that list links to all the reviews I've done for every issue in every series. Or you can just hit the "Random Page, Anybody" link at the top of the right hand column and peruse some of my past material to see if this is the kind of bullshit you might enjoy from day to day.

P.S. Everybody should reblog this primer so we can convince more people to participate in our super intellectual Disqus discussions that are probably way over most people's heads anyway. Also pretend I remembered to make another "get a room" joke to tie everything together!

Batwoman #32

Batwoman vs. Vampirebatwoman! Fight to the...orgasm?!

This issue begins in faux media res which means it starts off with one strike against it. It is the opinion of any intelligent comic book reader (a rare creature indeed!) that comic books should begin somewhere (anywhere!) and continue from there. Perhaps a few flashbacks or reminiscences along the way but the story should continue along from the point of page one. Instead, comic books like to show a hero getting their ass handed to them on page one and then begin the actual story on page two until the plot catches up to that first page which the comic book then, generally, repeats. I suppose a writer might defend himself with some kind of bullshit about exploded narratives or non-sequential, non-linear story telling. But as I noted so eloquently when I called it bullshit, that's bullshit. Because once the story really begins on page two, it just begins a linear, sequential, unexploded life until the final page. And if that's the case, I've got a novel idea! Just begin with page two! Let the cover be the exciting lure to get the reader into the story. You don't need an action packed page one to get the reader interested.

I know what you're thinking! How often have you picked up a comic book and were faced with dialogue on the first page? What a bummer, right?! Where's the action? Will this comic book even have any? Is it going to be all talking and fat Claremont sized Narration boxes?! How many times have you put down a comic book because you were already bored by page one simply because no knuckles were busting chops? I can answer only for myself: I have no boxes full of comic books I've never read simply because they didn't engage the primal, violent part of my brain on page one! Although I do have shelves packed with independent comic books that are full of great characters and nearly no violence at all!

Oh shit! Don't stop reading! Look! Violence! Dammit. I should have begun with this image!

Just think how much better Moby Dick would have been if it began with the encounter with the great white whale! Ahab would be all, "Smile you son of a bitch!" and then the book would continue, "Thirty six hours earlier. Call me Ishmael."

The issue truly begins at a children's charity carnival where Kate Kane runs into Sophie, an old fuckbuddy from her days at West Point. It seems Sophie's going to be working in Gotham so that she can come in between Maggie and Kate! It's not like that little fucking prick Jaime isn't already ruining things. I wish she'd just get hit by a train already.

Sophie just happens to be dating the daughter of the dead husband of Nocturna, so that's probably how she and Batwoman will wind up kissing and doing other lesbian activities like holding hands and scrapbooking. Since Kate is already feeling like Maggie is pushing her away, she's ripe for a little non-fiancée poontang.

Nine pages in and no action?! Good thing that first page satisfied my bloodlust. Otherwise I'd have to make due with a trip to the carnival and a visit to the psychiatrist and a half-naked man training. My attention is beginning to wander!

Oh wait! My attention is back! Although now I have to go repress myself.

Nocturna heads out to steal some grail for her to drink her morning blood out of. And by a crazy coincidence, Batwoman is out on patrol looking to beat the living crap out of something! Or unliving crap, if the only creatures she can find are vampires.

Batwoman tries to stop Nocturna but then page one happens and Batwoman is knocked out cold. But Batwoman shouldn't worry too much that she failed since Sophie's girlfriend called in the Pest Control to take care of Nocturna. Unless it's somebody else she wants killed with a similar name since Natalia Matternacht isn't Nocturna's name at all! Well, it's damn close. I guess I can forgive her for getting it wrong. Although when you want somebody assassinated, I think the name is kind of important. Anyway, this is her friend from Pest Control:

I find the name derivative and uninspired. My guess is he doesn't last two issues.

Batwoman #32 Rating: No change. Even with the loss of one of the greatest creative teams in the history of people teaming up with other people, I'm still thoroughly enjoying this comic book. I like the way it handles the beats. You know what I mean by the beats? It's like how Kate Kane is all enjoying a day at the carnival and then suddenly she's shitting herself that Maggie doesn't love her anymore and then she's on patrol looking to fuckfight somebody. And still we get a bit of insight into some other characters as well. Although I wish I'd never met Killshot. That guy's had nearly no panel time and I already think he's a major fucktwat. I think "fucktwat" is the South London equivalent of "douchebag." I also could be wrong since I don't know anything about South London.

New Guardians #32

The Psions? Those were the Guardians pet lizard people!

The Psions are a race of emotionally stunted lizard people that love to experiment on other creatures and hate to remember that they were created through experimentation. They've repressed the cultural memory of their origin so severely that whenever a child Psion asks his parents where he came from, they immediately kill and eat him and forget that they ever had a child. Then they find a new planet and grab a few new creatures from that planet and begin trying to turn them into gods, wondering the entire time what all the salty leakage from their eyes is about.

Kyle Rayner will get along great with the Psions since he's got a lot of repressed memories sitting around repressing themselves inside his brain. From this moment on, I'm going to use "repressing myself" as a euphemism for masturbation.

The issue begins with some Psions dealing with...well, something they can't rightly remember but it probably has to do with that extra room of the house with the tiny bed in it. What was that for again?

I guess the Oan protecting the Fuzzy Wuzzem is Zeppo, the missing Bohemian Guardian. It also might be Elric of Melniboner.

Melniboner. I'm such a goddamned child.

Quaros (the Bohemian Guardian that I previously referred to as "Zeppo" when I couldn't think of his name) gets kidnapped by the Psions right along with all of the Fuzzy Wuzzems. As I was updating my list of what planets are in which sectors, I noticed one of my entries which proves that I write this shit purely for myself since nobody was going to see this entry but me. It was for Sector 2813 and reads:

Planets:
1. Krypton. Just kidding! It's gone!
2. The space where Krypton used to be!

While Kyle Rayner is off not existing and battling planets, Carol Ferris and the Bohemian Guardians continue to hunt for Quaros.

By this logic (and what is a Guardian if not pure logic?), Kyle Rayner is more powerful than a Bohemian Guardian. It's possible that has already been pointed out. I have trouble processing information which I've previously completely ignored.

The Bohemian Guardians come up with a plan to find Quaros. They hold hands and then explode.

Do comic book characters often take the Lord's name in vain? Disgusting!

Apparently the hand holding explosion plan worked because the Bohemian Guardians now know where Quaros is being held. It's a huge ship filled with Space Sharks and Squid Drills and Manta Spaceboards. The Psions have been quite busy repressing stuff. What the Bohemian Guardians don't know (but should because this is true of everything, including blind dates and family gatherings) is that they're walking into a trap. And Carol Ferris follows right along because she doesn't know what else to do. I suppose once she's being experimented on, Kyle Rayner will feel it in his heart or soul or whatever part of the male human body feels love. Oh! The penis!

Nobody can resist falling into a good trap.

Just as the Psions are moving in to capture Ferris and the Fuzzy Wuzzem that has been turned inside out and made into a cybernetic Fuzzy Wuzzem assassin begins ominously approaching Carol, Kyle Rayner appears out of a rip in space-time! And that's his only appearance in the entire comic book. So you know, this issue was better than most.

New Guardians #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad that New Guardians has surgically removed itself from the cascading crossovers of the Green Lantern Universe. And since this comic book isn't called "Kyle Rayner, New Guardian" but instead "Green Lantern New Guardians," he doesn't even need to be in it very often. It's really about the Bohemian Guardians now, right?! And Carol Ferris! Kyle could have continued to not exist and I probably wouldn't have even noticed.

Pandora #12

Why is there an interrobang after "death"? It's not like adding "death" to the end of the phrase "battle to the" is a surprise! Now if it were "battle to the orgasm," it might call for an interrobang.

Sometime during the last issue, Pandora had her regenerative powers negated by SHADE agent, Agent Kincaid (who is a werecrow (and a white woman (and a horrible person))). Then Vandal Savage arrived to take advantage of Pandora's sudden vulnerability.

This issue begins with Marcus Aurelius forgetting to say something really wise before he dies.

"Aaaargle baaarrrggle" isn't the most memorable final saying but I suppose it's hard to come up with anything good when your neck is broken.

Pandora tries to save him with some of her World Merging power. Unless the power she used was her Visiting Sad Places power. It could also have been her First Issue Cameo power. Whichever power she uses, she fails. But I think she's able to channel Marcus's actual last words in Runespeak! They're much better than "Aaaargle baaarrrggle"!

His very wise final words are these: "F yo eyes, punk!" So beautiful.

A battle ensues and for the first time since The New 52 began, I'm not enjoying Vandal Savage. He's been written so well in all of his other appearances and now he's just a douche teasing Pandora because she's sad about losing Marcus. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with him teasing her because she's shown weakness. All weakness should be attacked and mocked. Why else would they teach that experience in high school if it wasn't an important value to our society? If it was a bad thing, teachers and other students would step in when someone is humiliated for showing any sign of weakness. So I'm not upset that Vandal is teaching Pandora that crying is for stupid jerks. I'm upset at the below par cleverness of his taunts. They're repetitive and weak. Somebody should come along and start hassling Vandal Savage for using such weak insults. That'll show him.

Oh. There we go! Nice one, Werecrow!

Agent Kincaid's one-liner might not seem that witty but it's fitting. She brings the whole love is weak thing back around and turns it on its head when she makes Vandal weak while expressing SHADE's love for him. It's a bit sloppy but I get the point! And now the playing field is even between Pandora and Vandal.

Once Vandal gets beat up a bit and is tossed from the top of the building, he begins to regain some of his devilish pomposity. Agent Kincaid and Pandora also fall from the building though, and they take it a lot worse than Vandal. I think his anger and his arrogance are what fuel his immortality and there isn't a creature on Earth that can battle against the force of his will.

I bet people think Vandal Savage would be a great lay after all his years and experience on Earth. But I bet he's the worst. He probably treats all intercourse as just another method of masturbation and satisfying his own needs.

Savage toys with Pandora a bit more before she repeats Marcus's last words and blinds him. Of course that only stalls him for a few seconds to allow Agent Kincaid to step in and threaten Pandora. Wait, what? What kind of stupid move is that?! Pandora is broken and dying and not a threat at all at this point! Yet Vandal Savage seems as strong as when the battle began. Point the gun at him, you stupid morphy!

Sorry! Sorry! I let my passion get the best of me. I apologize for using a shapeshifter slur. I don't know what got into me. I've never used the M-word before in my life! I know an apology isn't going to make up for all the shapeshifter's who had to read that word in print which caused them to...um, well, you know. Have hurt feelings? Be disgusted with me? Feel righteous indignation when they called me a typically disgusting one-shape? Make them weep uncontrollably because of a word in print? Well, I'm sure the shape-shifting community will feel good once they've tarred and feathered me in a public forum and ruined my life for the poor judgment I had in typing a single word. I totally deserve it.

Kincaid doesn't kill Pandora and Vandal Savage doesn't kill anyone because Giganta arrives to save her new best friend!

It's good to see a powerhouse like Giganta actually get to act like a powerhouse for once.

Giganta demands that Pandora be given back her regenerative powers or else Kincaid is going on a fantastic voyage, if you know what I'm saying! And if you don't, you probably just think I mean Giganta is going to throw her into the ocean like she did with Vandal, so it really doesn't matter because that's something, I guess.

Pandora #12 Rating: -5 Ranking. I don't know why this comic book is as high in my rankings as it is and so I'm fixing that right now. Especially since the art has been sub-par over the last couple of issues. At least I got to see Vandal Savage topless!