Teen Titans Annual #2

How do you know The Teen Titans is a serious, tense, high-action drama? Seventy-five fucking percent (75*%) of all Teen Titans' covers have various members lying about unconscious.

I have been waiting all month to finally get to read Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans Annual #2! If there is one writer at DC that knows how to write a compelling Annual tale that ties in to the rest of the series but still allows new readers to jump on in the middle, it's Mr. Scott Lobdell! He makes sure to take the reader by the hand, carefully introduce every character and supply one or two key points to their character. He'll make sure to focus on only those key points during the story so as not to confuse new readers. But this doesn't leave longtime readers hanging! No, no! He'll choose important characteristics that will really delve into a new side of the character's psyche so that we always learn something new about any character highlighted in one of his stories. He's clear, concise, and creative. After all, he was a master of writing the X-men! Why shouldn't he bring all of that experience and wisdom to the pages of DC's Teen Titans? I have goosebumps! Let's dig in, shall we?!

When we last left the Teen Titans, they were caught up in the time stream hoping that Raven could figure out a way to stabilize their movements and keep them from jumping about. Mostly because they really need to get to Kid Flash's trial in the future and they're running late. Except you can't actually run late when time traveling no matter how much Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure reminds you that the clock in San Dimas is always running. So they'll get there eventually and it will be like they were there yesterday. But for now, I don't know where they are!

Apparently Superboy knows though.

Just as I guessed! Scott Lobdell treats the reader with a nice, introduction to not just one of the characters on the opening page but three! Lobdell can't be blamed for the typo, so we'll just forget that even exists rather than tarnish his sterling reputation. Being good readers, we know that we should watch out for certain things in the coming story. We should see how Superboy learns to accept his two halves. We must watch how Tim Drake steps up to prove that he can lead this group that he banded together. And we will, quite literally, learn why Cassie Sandsmark was born! I love the use of the word "literally" because it makes Cassie's character one-dimensional and easy to understand.

These three heroes have found themselves stranded twenty years in the future (relative term!). Red Robin has led them to the Batcave to access the Batcomputers so that they could find Kid Flash and Solstice. Because if you need to find somebody lost in an alternate timeline, the Batcomputer is the only computer that won't respond, "Get the fuck out!" It takes all shit seriously, bitches. Too bad the Batcave has been trashed by the time the kids arrive. Hopefully Superboy and Wonder Girl won't remember how to find the Batcave again once they get back to the DC Universe's present. That could lead to a really uncomfortable conversation between Tim Drake and Alfred Pennyworth as Bruce broods in the background casting disapproving looks at them both.

My first reaction was this: "If anybody were allowed to write the death of Batman, it should be Scott Lobdell!" And then I realized this was an alternate timeline story and my heart stopped racing and I breathed a sigh of relief and I calmed down. Whew! Good one, Mr. Lobdell!

Tim Drake's first reaction to the dead and stuffed Batman is to whisper, "Bruce?" Good thing he whispered that! You wouldn't want anybody else in the room to learn the identity of The Batman! Let's just hope Wonder Girl's Silent Armor isn't so silent that she can hear whispers! And I don't think Tactile Telekinesis helps gives Superboy super-hearing! So Tim Drake might have just dodged yet another really awkward conversation when he returns to the normal (relative term!) timeline. Superboy notices a pile of ashes on the floor and asks if Red Robin knew this guy as well. Red Robin does know him and once again whispers his name. Tim Drake is supposed to be a super genius and he's so thrown by the reality of an alternate timeline that he doesn't remember the important of secret identities? That's probably why the issue began pointing out he might not have been as ready as he thought to put together a group of super kids. But he is whispering and he's so smart, he must know that the other two don't have the appropriate super powers to hear whispers. I think Tim has a photographic memory so he probably remembers their Who's Who files better than I do.

The kids receive a message from Hologram Batman pointing out that one person is responsible for all of this destruction and then they're teleported aboard the Justice League Watchtower (II, presumably) where they meet Garfield Logan, Beast Man! Who is now green due to a Series of Unfortunate Events (relative term!). Since Gar Logan is the last member of the Justice League left standing, he introduces Tim, Kon, and Cassie to the New Teen Titans! Hey, if Keith Giffen can get a Justice League 3000 book, why can't Scott Lobdell set himself up with a Teen Titans 2033 book? And since Lobdell had so much success writing the X-men for so long, why not make the Teen Titans 2033 completely derivative of the X-men? He's got a woman named Red that looks nearly identical to Nightcrawler (except she's a she and she's red instead of blue. Superficial changes!). You've got Blur who speaks Cajun like Gambit (perhaps he's just French Canadian, but again, superficial difference!). Then you've got Stonehenge and Irony who seem to be a bit of a cute couple who call each other by their first names, making them Scott Summers and Jean Grey.

Some people might look at this doublepage spread and cynically berate Lobdell for this outright stealing of another company's characters. But I say, good for him! DC and Marvel have spent years stealing each others employees, employees that have given them the intellectual properties that have made the companies so profitable. And for years, the creators have taken their creations from one company to the next with just the thinnest of differences to avoid law suits. Scott Lobdell works best when he's writing Marvel-type X-men stories. Why shouldn't he create an X-men team for DC?!

I don't think Teen Titans 2033 is going to become a regular title. But Lobdell is introducing the team here so that he can bring them back into the DC Universe's present (relative term!) in a later run of Teen Titans. He might even be hoping to eventually replace the current cast of the comic with this cast because then everybody will have to get off his fucking back for writing Tim Drake in a way that they don't agree with. These will be all new characters free from any history that Scott Lobdell doesn't (and shouldn't have to!) give a fuck about!

Also, Rose Wilson is the mother of Red, the Nightcrawler girl. And since she's red, my guess is Beast Boy is the father.

I'm not sure Blur grasps the idea of "training exercises." Also, Gambit/Blur has Rogue's power.

Stonehenge has powers similar to Terra's so he's probably her child (which really doesn't give her much time to get knocked up back in the present (relative term!)). Blur is a bit perturbed to see Superboy's face for some reason. There's no way he should recognize him since he wasn't even born yet the last time Superboy was seen in this timeline. So he must be mistaking him for Jon-el! Which makes me realize that Jon-el is probably the guy that trashed the Batcave and killed Batman. Boy, the story has been so captivating up until this point that I almost missed that twist (even though it was right there on the cover)!

Scott Lobdell has Blur reference Gail Simone's The Movement because Scott Lobdell has a huge crush on Gail Simone. The time I met Scott Lobdell (Wow. I was completely starstruck by his fame and ability! I barely said a word to him!), he signed my Big Book of New 52 First Issues right above Gail Simone's signature, added an ampersand and then a "4 ever" underneath. So I went back to show it to Gail Simone's husband in the hopes of starting a fist fight (mostly so I could root for my hero, Scott Lobdell, to beat up Gail Simone's husband so that Gail would see that Lobdell was really the man for her and they would get together and it would all be because of me and they'd adopt me as their own child and love me forever). But Gail Simone's husband just laughed and pointed out how Lobdell basically stalked Gail for years before they became good friends. So I think Scott mentions The Movement here to try and get more readers interested in that book. Good work, Scott Lobdell! You are a true hero of the people.

Superboy decides to get some fresh air in space (good joke, Kon!) while Red Robin and Gar discuss what's going on. While he's sitting on the side of the Watchtower II, Jon-el sends him a psychic call-out. Time to settle this on the playground, bitches!

Garfield explains to Tim how this is Harvest's timeline. But he has to be careful what he says since he's talking to Tim Drake who will eventually become Harvest once he's turned into a vampire! He doesn't want to screw up the timeline by giving out the wrong information that might possibly cause a better timeline to come into existence which would cause himself to never exist. Although that seems to be just what he's doing anyway!

But what does Gar know? He's just following orders!

Good thing Red Robin has set up all of these situations where Red Robin can help save the day so that Red Robin doesn't just look like an ignoramus stumbling from one situation he doesn't understand to the other! Just because we're seeing the Red Robin that's experiencing these things the first time doesn't mean Red Robin doesn't know what he's doing! He's remembering all of this stuff so that he can manipulate all space and time to make things work out the way he wants. This timestream deal also explains Harvest's ability to plan things so precisely! Because Harvest is future Red Robin and Red Robin has a photographic memory and Red Robin has now gone through every single point in space and time and knows how everything everywhere will turn out! No wonder Harvest is such a genius!

So are any of you coming around to my side yet about Red Robin being Harvest, no matter what other comic book stories have told you?

Meanwhile Jon-el meets Kon-el and they battle inside the moon's chocolate center. Mostly they grandstand though. It's as if each one is actually a little bit afraid that they can't actually win, so instead they puff up their chests and strut around like a Bluth.

And since I'm not interested in describing blow-by-blow action, here's how it ends (with an Aquaman death bonus pic!):

Technically it hasn't ended yet. I'm guessing Superboy won't actually get to throw this final punch.

And he doesn't! He disappears because he's needed over in Action Comics Annual #2. So Jon-el gets to survive. Although even if he'd been killed, it wouldn't matter. This is an alternate timeline! What happens in Alternate Timelines, stays in Alternate Timelines! Except when the "happens" is Jon-el whom Gar and Rose take and dress up like Superboy so that Tim Drake will take him back to their own timeline. Whoops!

Teen Titans Annual #2 Rating: See, Scott Lobdell? That's what you'll get if you bribe me to pretend your writing doesn't suck! Compelling, isn't it?! Notice how I made no mention of how shitty your writing is? And how you need the crutch of time travel and alternate timelines to help seed your plots? How you can't actually build characterization, how you can't let plots form organically, how you can't write anything unless you bring in a catalyst from outside the normal timeline? I can praise all of those garbage writing habits with just a small, flat monthly fee. Please, let us not speak of dignity. We all know money talks, right? Let's form a partnership. You don't realize how trusted I am to speak the truth in the comic book review world! If I talk up the greatness of your books, more of them will sell which means more royalties for you! You can afford to spread the wealth a bit, right? Just drop me an email and we'll get the ball rolling on this deal. Talk to you soon, buddy!

Teen Titans #24

Let's get this out of the way immediately: Raven's new costume is ass.

Last issue, the Teen Titans were supposed to be sucked into the future so that some assholes in the future could get revenge on Kid Flash even though he's long dead in their eyes. Fuck that. Death in the past is too good for him! What really confuses me is that they don't kidnap him from the moment he arrives in the past. Why let him have any length of freedom at all if they're so set on bringing him back to the future to pay? I suppose they couldn't get a bead on him until Vibe made out with him over in Justice League of America. Man, I fucking hate time travel stories.

That's not true! I love time travel stories! But only when they're done with intelligence and forethought! I hate them when they're just used by a writer as an excuse to write whatever the fuck they want. Boo, Scott Lobdell! You're the worst!

Anyway, The Teen Titans did not get sucked into the future because they still needed to make a cameo in Forever Evil. But don't worry! At the end of their Forever Evil cameo, they were shot into the future by Johnny Quick. Good job, DC editorial. That was elegantly handled.

I mean the opposite of elegantly! Whatever word that is!

This issue begins differently than most Scott Lobdell comic books. But not too differently. He still has to open with a Narration Box about the main character's name.

Why didn't they just use the Spanish? We all know it's "¿Está Cabra de Dios?"

So Lobdell begins with the Narration "Then." That means before now. Obviously, now is fluid being that the Teen Titans have gone to the future which is why he mentions "then" is a relative term. But why does he begin with "even"? Am I missing a page where relative terms were being discussed? Is he trying to confuse me? Is he trying to piss me off immediately?! What the fuck does Scott Lobdell want from me? He's already taken more than he'll ever know! Why doesn't he just stop?

Miguel is wasting time in a church talking to himself when Red Robin suddenly appears from out of the time stream! Red Robin tells Bunker how to meet up with Red Robin in Teen Titans #3. And then Red Robin tells Bunker that Bunker must never tell Red Robin about this encounter or else it will fuck up the time stream which Scott Lobdell doesn't give a fucking shit about anyway so fuck everyone. Because this moment is so crazy and fucked up and makes no sense to Bunker, he takes it as a sign from God. That's the spirit! Why the fuck would God send you a message you can understand? Mysterious ways, bitches!

I hate when dialogue is placed within foreign language brackets and then the foreign language is explicitly used within those brackets. Bad form, sir. Bad form!

So this issue is going to be the Teen Titans bouncing through time "touchstoning" all over Scott Lobdell's shitty plot points he loves to scatter throughout his crappy writing. I wonder if he's going to have them deal with The 13 from Red Hood and the Outlaws! Oh, don't tell me you forgot about that plot point just like Lobdell did?

The next place Red Robin arrives is in Egypt where the (oh fuck me no) SUNTURIANS are back (relative term!) to try to conquer Earth again. But Red Robin knows, for some reason, that Wonder Girl and Superboy are going to be appearing any second now to help him stop the SUNTURIANS from taking over Earth.

He knows this because fuck you.

I'm sure when I turn the page, Timmy will explain how he knows this. Probably because he met himself in the time stream and his other self told him what to do because he was a future version of himself that had already been through this moment and had already talked to himself (relative term!). This encounter with the SUNTURIANS is probably Lobell's way to explain why their ship back in Superman looked like an ancient Roman city. Of course, they still call themselves SUNTURIANS so that doesn't explain shit, Lobdell! Perhaps that's why they came to Earth! Because they picked up some Drama Signals in space from a play that mentioned Roman Centurions and they thought maybe they were a long lost battalion of their space brothers! Oh wait! I bet Scott Lobdell's reasoning is that the Romans took the name "centurion" from their encounters with these guys! They even stole their shields and their pole-arms and their helmets. I don't know why they didn't steal their tanks though. Maybe because Wonder Girl and Superboy destroyed them!

Then there's some bullshit about them floating in the time stream not remembering the things they always remember never. And then Kid Flash and Solstice are spit out in the future. I hope this is interesting! Although I fear it's just another random moment for Scott Lobdell to vomit a stupid idea into the DC Universe in the hopes that a decent writer will come along and make it interesting. Someday.

The ship belongs to somebody called The Functionary because that's an exciting name. Kid Flash recognizes it as a ship he was on before! In the borrowing time! Or the beginning years. Or the what came before times! And since he was here before, he knows he needs to speak to himself before he does the thing he does that causes Kid Flash to become the Bart he'll become yesterday. Or something.

Give it up, Kid Flash! You can't change the future!

After Bart Allen fails to stop Bar Tor from blowing up a ship full of soldiers, Raven winds up in the past battling Etrigan. Poor, poor Etrigan. Who gave Scott Lobdell license to write the rhyming demon?! Get Etrigan the fuck out of this published toilet paper! I will never forgive you, DC, for making me read horribly rhymed words by Lobdell! Also for allowing Wonder Girl to snap Etrigan's neck even though she did sneak up on him from the future and he was busy trying to kill Raven. How dare you make him look weak, DC! I hate you I hate you I hate you!

Anyway, Wonder Girl tells Raven she has to collect their souls to save them from looping continually (or continuously! Whichever you prefer!) through time. So Raven collects her specimens and messages Doctor Oak Trigon to inform him that her task is over! She caught them all!

Teen Titans #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. Apparently we're never going to get to the Trial of Kid Flash no matter how many times it is promised in the Next Month blurb. Also, fuck you, Scott Lobdell, with your stupid ass Sunturians punning up the universe! This comic book is bad enough without you dragging in the horrible crap you've created in that other book you're ruining, Superman! Also, if you want me to start saying nice things about your writing, you have two options. The first is to write better. The second is to bribe me. Drop me an email and I'll get you my Paypal information, okay? Let's do this!

The Green Team #5

I hope Brother Power the Geek gets to make an actual appearance before this series is relegated to the purgatory of comic books: THE QUARTER BIN!

Between this comic book sitting at the top of my stack and Call of Duty: Ghosts coming out yesterday, this blog almost ended! Seriously, why would I want to waste my time reading this mediocre crap about characters I've never heard of before and who aren't likable in the least? Well, maybe Mo might be likable. But he's not very interesting. And that's the problem! Even Scott Lobdell's shit holds my interest because it entertains me to criticize it. So I saw it at the top of my stack and couldn't bring myself to read it and then I played some Call of Duty: Ghosts and then I played more of that and then some more and a little more and I considered never doing anything else again. But then my body said, "Hey idiot. Feed me. And get some sleep." So I did that and now I'm writing this and I'm realizing how precarious everything in our society is! Especially life and love! And chocolate bars! And YMCA centers! It's all so fragile and ephemeral! And we take it all for granted every day! But we should embrace everything and live each day as if...oh, shut the fuck up, you platitudinous bitch! You know the hardest people to be around? People who have just recently almost died. Oh, NOW you love life? Get the fuck out of here!

Speaking of things that are circling the drain, let's read The Green Team! And let's embrace it and try to make it feel loved in its short time it has left, shall we?

Look, I'm a cynical, hard-nosed son of a whore (sorry, mom, but some people embrace truth over desire! Unlike you, you tart!). But sometimes I still laugh at trite, obvious, old jokes. I'm not going to apologize for that! Although I should apologize to my mom for that previous parenthetical reference to her sexual behaviours which I wouldn't fucking judge anyway, so shut the hell up, you offended jerks with no sense of humour! Of course, you probably think you have a sense of humour but when you're offended, you just point to the person making the joke and point out how common or broad they're being instead of allowing for the grace, intellect, and subtlety of the classic "my mom is a whore" joke. Snobs.

I think traditionally the joke is supposed to be about your mom, not mine, being a whore! Whoops! Dammit!

The Green Team is currently on a space mission to a runaway meteor. What's it running away from? The profound loneliness of deep space? Good luck getting away from that! It's nearly identical to the profound loneliness of the human condition! Unless the meteor finds another meteor to fuck its brains out on a near constant daily basis, it's in for a long motherfucking life of tears and near collisions with gassy giants. Just like my mom's life!

Some place called Bellachek Temple owns the runaway meteor. I don't know how they own it! Maybe they bought it from that website that lets you buy stars and shit. Apparently they don't want it running away, so The Green Team have been hired to unrunaway it. Also, Cecilia is still missing her right arm. I bet that when they find the meteor, it attaches itself to Cecilia's right shoulder and she becomes My Right Arm is a Meteor Girl! Unless she opts for the better name, Awkward Left-handed Handjob Girl.

Poor Cecilia. She can no longer do the Hand Jive.

The best part of The Green Team is that Mo's bodyguard Abisha keeps tagging along. Get out of here, grown up! You're ruining the good times! Unless you're going to buy the alcohol, nobody wants you hanging out in your electric blue Trans-Am trying to fuck all the underage girls!

From now on, I'm going to refer to Abisha as "Sticks" because it reminds me of a story that Grunion Guy wrote a long time ago when people were on the Myspace pages. Let me recount it for you in all of its glorious glory.

HIGH SCHOOL PARTY TIME!
By Grunion Guy

"School sucks and is really boring," pandered Sticks, the skinny kid who wasn't really popular but listened to rock and roll and smoked pot so he was cool to the people who knew what cool was (cool was drinking and smoking and wearing leather and not caring about grades, in case you're one of those clueless people who wasn't cool in high school). But some of the kids thought being cool was getting good grades or thowing a football straight or scoring with the hot girls who were cool because they were hot or just being good looking even. But Sticks wasn't one of those shallow cool people with the wavy blonde hair and clean teeth. He was cool because of the things he did and not because of the way he looked.

One of the cool things he did was drive a Camaro T-Top and park it in the school parking lot while everyone else was going to class. He would lean against its hood with his legs sort of crossed and a toothpick sticking out of his mouth. Hey, that was probably why they called him Sticks! Also he wore a leather jacket and smoked a cigarette too.

"Did I mention school was boring and for borers?" he repeated to anyone who would listen to him. Sticks was 28 and hadn't gone to school for a really long time because it was really, really boring. Also he had dropped out because his grades were so bad. But nobody cared about that.

The bell rang and all the cute young girls left their classes with their books pressed up against their bosoms and their really short skirts. Sticks combed his hair with grease which was cool for some reason and the chicks all dug it. Some of the hot chicks were passing by his Camaro now! Let's watch him be cool!

"Hey, dig this hot tune, ladies!" macho'd Sticks as he leaned into the T-Top and turned up the radio. Foreigner was playing and it was cool. It was on a tape. He owned the tape because he loved being cool and listening to Foreigner. "Hey, ladies. Did you know that the T-Top was called the T-Top because of its resemblance to a T and not because it was a way of getting around Porsche's copyrighting of the term 'Targa' on their 'Targa Top' sun roof which was pretty much the same thing but different somehow?" He rubbed his knuckles on his Tank Top (not his T-top! The Tank Top is a shirt!). The girls all giggled and ran quickly away with their skirts flipping up and down because they were embarrassed at his raw sexinessality and they were young and innocent and not ready to pop some cherries and grapes in the back seat of his hot ride.

"Catch you on the other side later, hot mamas," drawled Sticks in his cool guy accent.

"Hey! It's Sticks!" yelled the young kids he hung out with who were on the way to being cool like he was. But one of them was fat and couldn't be cool until he was skinny or did some harder drugs. And one of them was still concerned about the C he was pulling in English because he messed up on his book report about Huck Twain. And the other kid was almost cool but still liked playing Football on the sports team. And none of them could really be cool until they learned that the most important part of being cool was to not care about anything. Also, smoking cigarettes too.

"What are we gonna do today, Sticks?" lisped Petey the other kid I forgot to mention who was cool because he knew how to dress and sometimes wore eye make-up on his eyelids.

"We're gonna PAR-TAY!" yelled Sticks while throwing his fist in the air and yelling! Par-tay was the cool way of saying party and not Pig Latin for Tpar like you might have thought.

"All right!" all the nearly cool kids yelled as they piled into the T-Top Camaro and peeled one out of the parking lot. Pretty soon they were at the cabin by the lake and partying like nobody's business. It certainly wasn't the Sheriff's business but there he was anyway to break up the good time!

"What's all this?!" screamed the Sheriff as he shot his gun into the air. "Keep it down, you ruffians!"

"We'll keep it down when we're done partaying, old man!" muttered Sticks as he turned down the radio and waited for the Sheriff to turn around. The Sheriff narrowed his eyes and put a toothpick in his mouth also and then he turned around. When he did, Sticks threw an empty beer can at his head! But he missed since he never played the High School Baseball. The Sheriff turned around really quickly and narrowed his eyes even more.

"I'm watching you, Bosley Michaels!" he warned. He knew Sticks's real name because he used to date Sticks's mother in High School and the secret surprise is that he is really Sticks's father!

"Watch this!" shouted Sticks and raised up his middle finger high over his head. But this was after the Sheriff was gone so that he wouldn't be arrested. Then the fat kid turned up the radio and they drank more beer and partayed until school started again on Monday. Sticks probably did it with a couple of high school chicks too after they did some skinny dipping.

THE END!

Sticks is going to score.

After some drama, The Green Team lands on the meteor to start exploring. Commodore 64 wanted to check out the meteor because his father had connections with the Temple that owns the meteor. So I guess they're on this mission on their own as Kid Space Detectives and not as Independent Contractors working for Bellachek Temple. Anyway, I guess they're going to fight some aliens now!

Or super villains!

Also, I guess Bellachek Temple is a person and not a Jewish organization.

The super villain's name is Icicle and he immediately wants to show The Green Team some party tricks. It's an odd place and an odd time but I guess first impressions are pretty important, so if he wants to show off, who am I to rain on his frozen parade?

My biggest question regarding this whole meteor strip-mining ramming it into Earth with an Icicle super villain steering it is this: why is Icicle wearing pants?

Icicle. What a dumb name! At least 90s Image it up and call yourself ICIKILL! Ice Sickle would have worked as well but then he'd probably have to star in Katana and that would actually be worse than appearing in this book.

Commodore 64 suits up in his Green Power Ranger gear to battle Isickill while the others save the world from impending meteor doom! Hopefully none of them get Space Madness! I also hope Aerosmith doesn't write a smarmy song about this!

Things begin to go tits up which means things are going bad which is weird because it sounds like things are just starting to get awesome. But Icy Dead People begins freezing the fuck out of everything by creating ice out of non-existent water vapor or something. I don't know how it works! There doesn't have to be a scientific explanation for everything, does there?! I wonder how many people snort in derision when they read something like this and then wander off to pray to God? But I guess praying to God and snorting in derision is easier than actually learning shit.

"I don't want to close my eyes! I don't want to ever...." Oh no! Put away your fucking guitars, Aerosmith! Stop it! We're not going there! Shut it down, Stephen!

And then Icitickle destroys The Green Team's ride home! Oh well. Living on a meteor probably isn't so bad. I think next issue might be the last issue of this comic.

The Green Team #5 Rating: +2 Ranks. This comic might actually have had a chance from this point onward. Initial storylines can really fucking suck and drag on and hurt a fucking comic book. But now they're a team and they can go on fun missions where they have fun like swimming in a zero-G swimming pool and cuckolding each other in zero-G and fighting bad guys in zero-G! Everything is so much more exciting in zero-G! I don't even know if I'm writing that correctly! Is there a hyphen? Is Zero capitalized? Is the "g" not capitalized? I might know if I were actually intelligent and didn't simply rely on Lord Google for all of my knowledge, wisdom, and personality. Also my jokes.

Catwoman #24

The turtle looks confused. Probably by Ann Nocenti's dialogue.

Last issue, The Joker's Daughter was upset that she hadn't been invited to the wedding of Tinkerbutt and Cake. What she didn't know was that Catwoman stole Cake's father's test tube full of Airborne Goat Syphilis which caused him to call off the wedding because you can't have a proper Underground Warhog Wedding without any Airborne Goat Syphilis. And since The Joker's Daughter wasn't up to speed on the status of the biggest underground social event of the season, she waylaid Catwoman and Tinderbot as they escaped the Warhog compound.

You'd all forgive me if I just put this comic book in the trash and ended my commentary right now, wouldn't you?

I think November 5th should be Speak Like An Ann Nocenti Character Day instead of Guy Fawkes Day! So that's what I'm going to do! First I'll go out to breakfast.

Server: "You are the customers. What will you order?"
Me: "Chicken eggs are ovulations. Why would I eat those?"
Server: "We have bacon and oatmeal."
Me: "By that logic, oatmeal is a filthy creature."
Server: "That will be $12.50 plus tip which is the easiest tip to calculate if you were of a mind to tip 20%."
Me: "I have never been a calculator. Jack Tramiel sold calculators long before he sold home computers. His Vic 20 was advertised by William Shatner. Goodbye!"

Dammit. I just can't do Ann Nocenti dialogue! It's because I can't quite pick out what's wrong with it. The characters are basically stating non sequitors which work as facts to kind of set up their next statement. And the characters barely interact with each other. When Catwoman states the fact that The Joker's Daughter's face is rotting, The Joker's Daughter responds as if Catwoman insulted it. But she was just stating a fact! There was no judgment! She didn't call it ugly or nasty. And then Catwoman's argument against The Joker's Daughter wearing the face isn't that it's a disgusting, filthy hazardous piece of rotting medical waste fished out of a sewer but that "The Joker tortures people." Ick! I can see wearing Princess Diana's face...but The Joker's?! Gross!

Catwoman really can't get past it.

The above panel was a bit confusing because The Joker's Daughter began the encounter by calling Tupperbox and Catwoman "Girlfriends" and now Catwoman decides to use the term as well. But Catwoman's hatred for The Joker takes another twist as we realize it isn't his madness or his torturing people or his cackling or his insanity or his tormenting that drives Catwoman batty. Nope. It's because she has a short fuse for jokes. That's why she can't believe The Joker's Daughter is wearing The Clown Prince of Crime's face!

I hate to scan so many pictures so early in my reading (not really), but this next panel is a perfect example of how Ann Nocenti's Characters talk past each other.

To be fair, I probably wouldn't listen to an idiot wearing some other person's actual face over their own either. To be fairer, The Joker's Daughter does respond directly to the boiling pot of crabs analogy. But that part didn't back up my point the way this first part did.

Which one of them is going to pull that light switch in the middle of the sewer tunnel? It must be there for a reason, right?! I bet it opens up a passage to the conservatory.

The Switch drops a flood gate (or makes it materialize out of thin air (or creates a spinning death blade that The Joker's Daughter calls a flood gate. It's hard to tell. Rafa draws some nice asses but sometimes I can't follow the panel to panel story telling so well)) which knocks Catwoman back into a pit which must lead to lots and lots of water because The Joker's Daughter says, "Hope she can swim. Most cats can't." Oh bullshit. Cats can swim just fine. They just want to tear out the throat of everybody in a four mile radius when they get wet.

Except cats also sometimes grab things with their claws as they fall so that they don't have to land on their feet! (I'm getting better at talking like an Ann Nocenti character!) Catwoman apparently has Batgrapple technology infused into her whip and she winds up hanging in the middle of a deep shaft. And then the next panel, she's swung up into another tunnel above some Warhogs. Once again, I'm bemused by the panel layout. But Catwoman's Narration Boxes at least show she has an angle and an option and a way out of whatever's happening. So let's just pretend she did what I think we're supposed to think she did: Catwoman swung into a tunnel which housed a bridge crossing the shaft she was hanging in and landed on a ledge above the tunnel's floor where a bunch of Warhogs were marching.

Of course he didn't make it! You spent too much time hunting Corpse Diamonds for Alice Tesla and then running around with Princess Tenderbox, fighting with Warhogs, dancing with The Joker's Daughter, and following a stupid cat around! I'd hate for you to be my emergency contact!

I know, I know! A burnt body and some clothes does not make for a dead Rat-Tail. He could still be alive. I'd actually prefer him to be dead because that story is so far in Ann Nocenti's past now, why bring him back into it? Better to just kill him and move on. Although this being comic books, it's always best to leave things ambiguous, so an unrecognizable corpse and Rat-Tail's clothes is the perfect plot point.

It turns out Rat-Tail is actually one of the Warhogs carrying the body! It's the shortest red herring burnt corpse plot point ever! But that's because Rat-Tail's stupid haircut gave him away. Catwoman gets him alone so that he can yell at her for starting the war in the Badlands.

Actually, The Penguin began the war by selling drug-laced Popsicles to the people in Rat-Tail territory. Catwoman just happened to have a beef with The Penguin and decided to help the Rat-Tails defend their turf against The Penguin. I don't think very much of it was Catwoman's fault at all! She just decided to join in because she doesn't like The Penguin's criminal business ethics. Although, allowing for my faulty memory, I could be completely wrong about all of that!

Meanwhile Doctor Phosphorus is busy making more Corpse Diamonds. He's seeding them all over Gotham by pretending they're made out of the corpses of people's loved ones. But they explode when exposed to the perfect power chord! Then they'll all explode and turn Gotham into a fiery pit where he and his daughter, Bendertocks, can live peacefully above ground.

Did I mention Tinkerbust was kidnapped by The Joker's Daughter? The Joker's Daughter points out that Tankerbucks should have married Rake but Kindereggs has suddenly done a complete 540 on her marriage stance. Now instead of wanting any husband at all, even one that beats her, she has decided that she doesn't want a husband if it means she has to be sold with a bunch of goats. So fucking picky. That's the best way to be sold! With goats!

The Joker's Daughter wants to team up with Tinseltits to take over the Gotham Underground. Her plan is to flood a section of Charneltown so that everybody knows who's in charge now! I guess the statement is self-evident because the Nethers must be the only part of the Underground capable of flooding the rest. So everybody will know The Joker's Daughter was behind it. But when The Joker's Daughter begins the flood, her Ugly Cat is caught in the water! What an amateur super villain! Don't you know you always sit down with the cat in your lap, stroking it, as you enact your evil plan? What a jerk.

Meanwhile, Alice Tesla is an idiot. Let me show you why.

Example A. She knows just what to do!

Example B. Even though she had her "a-ha" moment and knows exactly what to do, she continues to use guess work.

Example C. She blows herself up.

The issue ends with Rat-Tail, Catwoman, and Ugly Cat drowning while Tinderbox and The Joker's Daughter team up to take over the Underground.

Catwoman #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. I really should have thrown it in the garbage immediately.

Larfleeze #4

Meet the Orange Lantern Corps! Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen! Senor Bonespur Sideburns! Glomulus! Giant Space Tapeworm! Noface Korean Ghost Monster!

Last issue Larfleeze's Orange Lantern Corps became real boys. But there were strings attached to their renewed physical manifestations: they must kill Larfleeze. Hopefully they'll try for a few pages and then everybody will settle down and work out a contract to keep the gang together.

See? They're already negotiating terms!

Larfleeze blames his trouble on The Wanderer because she's a woman and women are troublemakers. At least, that's what you think at the beginning of the song and then you slowly realize, after you've cut your foot on a pop top, that you're actually to blame for your own troubles. So you gorge on lobster and margaritas and get a new tattoo of a salt shaker and learn to live on the beach as a gigantic failure. Maybe later you'll get a job as a merchant marine and sail around dreaming of eating a cheeseburger. But first you have to work out your issues with women. Which somehow explains why Larfleeze needs to hunt down The Wanderer. Oh, also she's stolen his butler, so he probably wants that back. You all know Larfleeze's philosophy about possessions, right? "Mine, mine, mine!" is how it goes. I might be misquoting him.

Pulsar and The Wanderer visit the Village of Sad Victorian Robots. Unless they're Edwardian Robots. Possibly Robespierrian?

The reason the robots are so sad isn't because they've stolen the children and their shiny toy guns. They're sad because The Wanderer's sister Dyrge moved in next door. I don't want to jump to any conclusions but isn't that a little racist of the robots? Are they worried about their property values because an emo God of Emo shuffled into town, slump shouldered and mumbling about the futility of life, and bought the house next door? I get it. She's covered her house in barbed wire and depression. It doesn't scream "Great Neighborhood to Move Your Robot Kids Into!" anymore. But it's just one house! And even though I'm not a fan of Homeowner's Associations, I imagine the robots could have been a little more proactive to prevent their neighborhood from being overrun by pouting demigods. Come on, Robots! Climb out of your Victorian Era mindset and get into the future! Embrace diversity and change! Put away your steam powered tears and buck the fuck up! Look at it as a new adventure with a new friend and not as an invasion of The Other bound to turn your robot kids into sexual deviants and lower the property values of your robot houses with the constant, God-Awful loud crying, weeping, and moaning that never ceases.

Did I miss the issues where Pulsar displayed these qualities? So far in all of my Larfleeze comics, he's only managed constant pouting and whiny backtalk!

And then The Wanderer introduces Pulsar to Dyrge.

After seeing the pile of robot bodies in Dyrge's parlour, I kind of see the robot's side of things now. But you know, serial killers have to live somewhere.

Back to the fight between Larfleeze and the Orange Lanterns, the Orange Lanterns defeat Larfleeze. But then, because they're all selfish bastards under the influence of the Light of Avarice, they argue amongst themselves about who gets to deal the killing blow. But that's when they realize Larfleeze has become the Orange Light's Power Source and if they kill him, they'll lose their powers too. I don't know how they recharge the rings though. I mean, I think I do and I think I finally understand goat.se! He's just trying to recharge his ring!

So the newly free Orange Lantern Corps bind up Larfleeze and fly away to live lives of their own choosing without Larfleeze's influence. Which means they all choose to live a life where they torture Larfleeze incessantly. Good choice, morons! You're still allowing him to have power over you!

Larfleeze #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. I haven't really liked this comic. Possibly because I allowed my hopes to get too high before being supremely disappointed by its lackluster and trite comedy. But this issue has things moving and I think I'm going to like Dyrge and her crying robot town. I already like those things so I think I'll like them more later! That's how liking things is supposed to work! That's good advice from me and you should remember it next time you're in a relationship and you find yourself liking your partner a little less every day because that's not how like works. So don't listen to the people that say relationships take work! Listen to me saying like is supposed to grow and not diminish! If it's diminishing, stop wasting your time! You obviously don't like that person! That advice also works for comic books!

Justice League Dark #24

Everyone's completely sick of your fucking shit, John.

Trinity War wrapped up with a spectacular non-conclusion. The Crime Syndicate has begun their conquest of Earth Prime. The Justice League is dead. And I have no fucking clue where this comic book will fall in the chain of events. Even as tie-ins, these things should be numbered. They should also have a little meter that shows how closely the book ties in to actual events in Forever Evil. So one tiny little bar on the meter would be filled in for a comic book that simply shows the strange eclipse and a monitor that says, "The world is ours." But the entire bar should be filled in for comic books that have Batman in them.

Blow job, heroin, or taking a huge dump?

If this is Constantine receiving a blow job, the reaction at the end is probably because Frankenstein is giving it to him. If it's John on heroin, the reaction at the end is because he's found himself in a squalid apartment with a baby nearby rotting in the crib. If he's taking a huge dump, well, that's the worst possibility: rectal prolapse.

I suppose he could also be hanging from a meathook with all of his Justice League Dark buddies! And he's woken up with Madame Xanadu trying to divine his future. That would startle me as well.

Looks like heroin wins!

John chases away the little Johns and then sits down to catch his breath by lighting up a smoke. He decides that the demons were simply materialized psychisms because who doesn't reach for Jungian terminology when one has a dreamlike experience of existential horror? Maybe this comic book is one of my own, reminding me to fucking finish reading Memories, Dreams, Reflections. And if that's the case, do I really need to do a commentary on a materialized psychism? Seems a tad redundant.

Constantine remembers that the Justice Leagues had their asses kicked by a group that came from "a third Earth." Does nobody have an issue with people from a nicely numbered other Earth? Why is their Earth "Earth 3"? Who made the numbering system? What about Earth 2? What fucking number is the main Earth of the DCU? Is it just "Earth"? And why should it get special dispensation to not be among the numbered? Does Earth 2 think of itself as Earth 2? Perhaps The New 52's main Earth is "Earth X" and it's numbered designation is only referred to by people from other Earths who then label it with the number that we give their Earth? So The Crime Syndicate view this Earth as Earth 3. And the Justice Society view this Earth as Earth 2? But then why would everybody agree to call the Elseworlds Prestige Format Comic Book Earth, Earth 1?! Is it the one they all would like to be a part of? I hate all of the multiple Earths!

John has lost everybody but he's found himself back in The House of Mystery. So now it's time to rescue the others and get the fuck out of the Justice Business! This shit is crazy.

The House of Mystery decides Constantine needs some clues to figure out what to do next so it begins showing him ignored people suffering from loneliness and little black wisps that feed on their despair, building into anger and hurt and evil.

First appearance of Mad Hettie! She's a New Yorker now.

Constantine tours the world watching people grow in evil and he learns the most important lesson of all. We are evil because we don't look at homeless people or call our mothers enough. This story is like a Hallmark Card of betrayal!

Outside of card: "Happy 8th Birthday!"
Inside of card: "Thanks for ruining your mom's vagina, you selfish bastard!"

Outside of card: "It was so nice to see you again!"
Inside of card: "Because I never expected to! It's been what? Ten fucking years? Asshole!"

Outside of card: "Congratulations on the promotion!"
Inside of card: "Now rape the world of its resources; lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead; and dance on the bodies of the poor and the weak to fulfill your own selfish desires! Good job!"

John learns that the Crime Syndicate won because we're all unfeeling bastards that have no sense of proportion! I carelessly stepped on a slug the other night because I wasn't watching every step I was making which means I can justify global thermonuclear war! Fuck me! There's no hope! We're all doomed!

"To fist you!"

After the After School Special in which John learns the ways of evil, Zatanna points out that the message was full of bias. Pandora's Box gave him Hopelessmydia so that he saw doom and gloom everywhere he went. But I think the Hopelessmydia has spread due to Pandora's Portal being opened and that's what John was seeing. Evil is growing due to the portal being breached and one of the symptoms of Hopelessmydia is to think that the Hopelessmydia sprang from your own mind and not because you touched Pandora's dirty little box. But Zatanna yells "Nillicinep!" and cures Constantine after which he wakes up from his virus fueled nightmare.

Constantine finds his projection of Zatanna naked and in bed next to him. He actually begins to think this might be a preferable way to live his life. But isn't he the jerk that tore Shade out of practically the same fantasy in some hotel in bumfuck nowhere, living with a Madness version of Kathy George? Perhaps that's where John got this idea of withdrawal from the world?

Too bad it doesn't work out for him. Although she did cure him of his infection. He should be grateful for that much.

Once John calms down, he realizes Nightmare Nurse cured him and is there to help. Maybe not for unselfish reasons but it's all John has at the moment. She's going to help him find the missing members of Justice League Dark and she brings along another mini-JLD member:

Chia Swamp Thing!

Justice League Dark #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm glad all the over-the-top chastising of the human race was kind of taken back by making it Hopelessmydia because that was grating on my nerves. But after that bit, I like the rest! I like Constantine teaming up with Nightmare Nurse and Chia Swamp Thing to go find the lost members of the Justice League Dark. I guess I should include The House of Mystery on the new team as well. I hope they save everybody but Madame Xanadu. She can suck it.

Justice League #24

Power Ring, that's disgusting.

Since the Justice League is currently dead (or trapped in a Cube (or transporting Victor Stone to the S.T.A.R. Labs Emergency Room)), I have no idea what this issue is going to be about! Is the Justice League going to be on hiatus for a few months while Forever Evil happens? I forget how these crossovers work when a company publishes a mini-series in which everybody is enmeshed. What happens in their regular monthly title?!

Apparently flashbacks! This issue begins twenty five years ago on Krypton Three. The Kryptonians of Krypton Three are huge fucking assholes that nobody would want to be around for any length of time. Although I still like them better than Lobdell's Kryptonians.

I think this might be the origin story from Superman Returns.

Jor-il has recorded a message for baby Ultraman to listen to as he rockets to Earth. It's composed of the most useful tips a young baby will need to grow into a strong and robust young man. First off, he must snort Krytponite to grow healthy and strong. Second, he must stay out of the sun because it causes wrinkles and melanomas. Third, Earth women are whores. And that seems to about cover it! Good luck, baby Kal-il! Hopefully you'll be found by a pair of incestuous serial killer siblings named Bro Kent and Sis Kent! They'll raise you to pillage, rape, murder, and stay out of the sun so you can become a strapping young lad who will probably repay them by burning them alive while they sleep.

Close enough. On Earth Three, this is an ideal, loving relationship. It's just beautiful.

Ultraman adopts these two as his parents (by adopts, I mean forces them into subservience) until he reaches the age of seven when he burns down the farm. Unluckily for my ability to guess the plot of every comic I read, Ultraman kills them and buries them in the cornfield before he burns down the farm. Dammit.

Eventually Ultraman and the Crime Syndicate ruled the Earth until Darkseid came along and shoved an Omega Dildo up its ass. The Earth was destroyed and the Crime Syndicate had nobody left to push around. They needed to find a new Earth. Which is what they did last issue! Weren't you paying attention?

While the other members of the Crime Syndicate involve themselves in other offshoots of the Forever Evil story, Ultraman searches for Kryptonite and prepares to deal with Black Adam.

Also, The Doom Patrol's first appearance!

Ultraman points out to the readers as he narrates the story that the difference between Earth Three and Earth Prime (I know, I know. The old standard (and possibly current one too) is that Earth Prime was the real, actual Earth. But fuck that shit since Earth 1 is prestige format elseworld tales and Earth 2 is the Justice Society, I'm going with Earth Prime. Because I don't want to call the standard New 52 "Earth Zero") is that Earth Three is strong and Earth Prime is weak. It's not about good and evil or opposite time or flip floppitudiness. Although I think he's mistaking "being an asshole" with "having strength of character." I realize a lot of people have this misconception here on Earth Super Prime! Anybody who sees kindness as weakness is just an asshole. Anybody who ever quotes that stupid fucking saying about being liberal when you're young gives you a heart and being conservative when you're old gives you a brain is a dirty douchebag fucknard that I don't want to have anything to do with. Stop quoting platitudes that make your selfishness seem intelligent. If you want to be a selfish prick, just be one. Embrace it. I don't understand why assholes feel the need to appear to be something they're not! If you're not proud of who you are, stop being that fucking person, idiot.

For some reason, the Crime Syndicate members are still attached to the dopplegangers on Earth Prime of people they once knew. So Owlman can't kill Nightwing and actually needs to speak with him. Ultraman heads to the Daily Planet to see how his pal Jimmy Olsen turned out on this world. For a bunch of assholes, they sure are sentimental.

Maybe sentimental is the wrong word. I think I meant "rapey."

Luckily for Lois, Superman just wants to tear her arms and legs off. So at least she won't have to deal with the trauma of being raped. Because she'll cease to exist! Too bad Jimmy Olsen didn't have that luxury. No more casual viewings of Prince of Tides for him! But even luckier for Lois, Black Adam arrives to answer Jimmy Olsen's Superman Signalling Device! For some reason. Perhaps he just zipped by to shut off the shrill noise and decided he'd kill Ultraman while he was visiting. Although Black Adam doesn't find it so easy. Ultraman is just happy to have a challenge. I don't know why all of these villains love challenges! If I were a Super Villain, I'd want all of my conquests to be simple! Or else why bother becoming a Super Villain? Why not just work hard to prove yourself at the day to day challenges of real life in a capitalist culture that expects a can-do, work hard attitude for at least 60-80 hours per week?! Now that's a challenge!

Justice League #24 Rating: No change. I wouldn't wipe King Beauregard's ass with it.