The Flash Annual #2

I'm finally getting around to reading this!

My next regularly scheduled issue is The Flash #23, so I figured I'd better work through the Annual really quickly and sloppily.

I know it exposes my lack of culture and sophistication and intellectual whatnot but I'm with Hal. Jazz is poo.

I don't know if my dislike for jazz makes me a cultural buffoon or the fact that I called it "poo" does, but I'm sure all y'all jazz fans would agree either way. I get the feeling people who enjoy ordered, well-organized life find something thrilling in jazz that us "fly by the seat of our pants" types, as Barry just said, simply find it annoying. Maybe it's just me. But I also suspect that there is a large amount of intellectual and cultural cache in the appreciation of jazz whether one actually likes it or not. Anyway, I can't believe I agree with Hal on something!

A few panels later, Barry and Hal have been teleported to Arena World where a race of squid-headed monstrosities (yes, that's my bias showing!) weirdly speak civilly to them instead of spraying ink out of their anuses and into the heroes' eyes. Apparently Hal made some kind of deal with the aliens years ago which Barry was not aware of. Par for the touchdown, as they say in the sportingses.

What all of this craziness amounts to is it's time for a Barry Allen flashback to when he and Hal first met and battled talking monkeys! I think. Isn't that how they were said to have met way back in an early issue of Justice League?

Kids were disappearing from group homes and, for some reason, Barry cared about it enough to try and stop it. It turns out Hal did as well. What are these guys? Children lovers? Ugh! The world could do without them!

Is this the first modern conflict between two super heroes! Historical!

Before the two guys actually throw a punch, a strange light appears in the building and the kids disappear. Green Lantern flies up and into a portal while Barry turns into The Flash and runs through just in time to learn about space aliens!

Hee hee. What a dumbass.

After the first batch of kids are saved, Hal Jordan reveals his identity to The Flash so that The Flash doesn't feel so badly. In these early days, secret identities didn't mean much, did they? Over there in the early issues of Justice League, Batman just comes right out and tells Green Lantern that he's Bruce Wayne. Man, what the fuck was that about? Did they edit that in the Trades? Because my mind is still reeling from that moment. Batman just giving it up like it was nothing! Of course, he also seems to have told The Joker who he was too. Maybe he secretly wants everybody to know the truth so he can win a Nobel Peace Prize. Although maybe they don't give out peace prizes if you've put 25% of the population of the city in the emergency room at some time or another.

The Flash and Green Lantern rescue all but three of the children. And then Barry makes them cry with his insensitive remarks.

They're orphans, dick. They don't have homes!

That was a joke, you humorless twats. Besides, they're not real children. They're just colored ink on paper. They're not really sad nor are they happy nor are they scared. So if you'd like to argue that they do indeed have a home and a family and that the other children are their family and the group home is their home, go right the fuck ahead because what the fuck do I care? They're just fictional children.

When Hal and Barry realize the final three children are on Arena World, Hal comes up with the probably the worst strategy ever considering their super powers. He decides that he, Green Lantern, will do "fast" and The Flash will do "safety." Hah! Batman would piss his pants with laughter! The most horrible use of resources ever!

Over on Arena World, the Squidlies are trying to convince one of their competitors that humans are well worth training because they're truly something special and can really rise to greatness. And then they see Hal Jordan, a human Green Lantern.

Way to stick by your ideals, assholes.

I suppose after Barry and Hal take all the kids back to Earth, Hal probably makes a deal with the Squidlies to fight their battle for them to save their inky race or something. I'm sure there's some noble reason in there somewhere.

Once the Squidlies see Hal and Barry fight, they put a stop to it and give back the last kids. Barry takes them back to Earth while Hal Jordan signs a horrible contract with the aliens.

So less like a wrestling Battle Royal and more like a Japanese movie Battle Royale.

The Flash and Green Lantern wind up being the last two standing. Does that mean they killed some of them? Or did they just let the other aliens kill each other? Is the difference just a matter of semantics? Perhaps Barry and Hal are okay with killing aliens if they aren't too humanoid looking? Anyway, they're the last two standing which means they're one too many. Hal is incapacitated to leave Barry alone to fight the champion. But for some reason, Barry's powers are fading while on Arena World. Is that because he needs to refuel at Cinnabon every few hours?

Oh, I guess this far into space, he begins to lose his connection to the Speed Force. Does that mean there is a Speed Force for every planet? Or is it just a strange anomaly built into the Earth?

As his power is fading, Hal Jordan suddenly remembers the cover of the comic book and gives his ring to Barry to wear. And thanks to Barry's Speed Mind power, he's able to quickly learn the workings of the ring and utilize it with great efficiency.

And extreme hilarity!

I don't know. Do you really need the universe's greatest weapon to tell you to attack the crotch? If aliens ever land on our planet and they're humanoid shaped and aggressive, I know where I'd first try kicking them. And I don't have a cosmic ring to advise me!

And then Barry and Hal go off to celebrate over some space beer and a back-up story!

The Flash Annual #2 Rating: Green Lanternificent! It was also nice to read something (the back-up story) without vomiting my opinion throughout. I should try that more often!

All Star Western #23

This is a nice call back to the cover of Issue #1.

Jonah. Jeremiah. Gotham. Future. Batman. Detectivations. Go!

As Batman investigates the new to his city Jonah Hex, Jonah and Jeremiah go for a drive in the country while discussing the philosophy of change.

Jonah's side of the conversation is heavily gun themed.

Jeremiah changes the subject (the philosophy of change!) because Jonah Hex is too stubborn to agree with everything coming out of Jeremiah's mouth. I was bored with the word "mouth" so I tried coming up with a synonym like "word organ" or "face cavern" but none of them sounded five star so I just went back to using mouth. I mean, fuck, it has to have survived to remain in the language this long for some reason, right? Do you think the word "mouth" means mouth because when it's said, it completely calls attention to the means of saying it? Try saying "mouth" without showing everybody your tonsils. No, no, stop. You sound like a shy twat trying to warn your friends about the gigantic, sleeping moth nearby without actually waking it.

Jeremiah becomes frustrated that Jonah Hex has no idea where Booster Gold has gone. Well, la dee fucking da, Doctor! You've got a nineteenth century killer at your side who had no control over being rocketed through time and you're slightly put out that he didn't keep tabs on his futuristic companion? Your great, great grandfather would be ashamed of you. Actually, your great, great grandfather would be trying to make out with Jonah Hex right about now.

No, the 21st Century is going to have to come to terms with Jonah Hex being a part of it. That was me stealing and adapting a line from a little known comic book you probably have never even heard of so I won't even bother mentioning it.

Talking with Jeremiah Arkham leaves Jonah Hex needing a drink. Okay, fine. Everything Jonah Hex does leaves Jonah Hex needing a drink. But this time, he really particularly seriously needs a drink. He's also learning in an off-hand way that there is no frontier. The loss of any final frontier (yes, yes. I mean on Earth) should really be a defining boundary in the Western History of the world. When we speak of things in historical context, we should make note of times that were Frontier and Post-Frontier. Because there's a big difference in the way Westerners need to deal with cultural, social, and political issues Post-Frontier. During Frontier, if people couldn't fit into society, they moved West. And they just kept moving west. Again. And again. And again. Until finally, the Pacific Ocean pretty much put a stop to that particular trick because once you crossed it, you were now east and you run into countries that were civilized long before the Western world truly understood what "civility" meant. So now people actually have to deal with changing the government and society and culture instead of just flouncing off to make their own rules a few dozen or hundreds or thousands of miles west of the assholes you never want to see again.

Which is to say that Jonah is going to have to figure out a new way of dealing with the law wanting him for killing a bunch of mutant gangbangers. Jonah's first thought is to keep on the move and disappear into the thicket. Jeremiah disavows him of that notion and instead they just drop by a tavern for some whisky. And some horrible, forced interactions with some locals.

Don't worry, Jonah. DC Editorial won't allow that to happen.

I can't stand people who take offense when you simply state that you don't feel obliged to be forced to partake of their company. Sometimes walking down Hawthorne Avenue while going to the store or the coffee shop, I have to pass by people trying to engage me in conversation. I once walked past a young woman holding a sign that said, "Free hugs." And she was telling people to smile and be happy. The ironic thing is that I was happy until she started bothering me with her own assumed agenda and belief that I was somehow miserable without her fucking face in mine. Get the hell out of my space with your insipid advice! Stop judging me because I don't wish to be included in your method of making the world a better place. It's not making my world a better place! So where does that leave you? Fuck, I don't even want to engage anyone to explain how their attitude isn't as spectacular as they might think it is.

I also don't give a shit what random strangers think of me. So when I have to pass by the people getting signatures, if they engage me (which is actually rare since I've perfected several ways to avoid being targeted by them: The Pre-Hulk Banner Stare, The Downcast Melancholy, The Twitchy Spastic, The Lost in Thought), I simply say, "No," to whatever they say or reply "I hate X" where "X" is whatever their issue happens to be. Basically I look like the biggest asshole on the planet but what the fuck do I care?

Petitioner: "Do you support gay marriage?"
Me: "No."
Petitioner: "Would you like Medical Marijuana to be on next year's ballot?"
Me: "No."
Petitioner: "Would you like the government to stop killing kittens?"
Me: "No."

You can't break me! I can easily answer no to any question poised in such a way as to make a person that doesn't answer yes look like a right fucking twat. It's a skill! Although once a young woman asked me if I cared about saving Pandas and I said, "I hate Pandas." When I had to pass by her again on the way back from wherever I was going, she stuck her tongue out at me. This caused me to smile and burst out laughing, so occasionally somebody does break through my well-maintained steel visage of assholery.

Back to the comic book, Jonah's encounter, obviously, ends in a room full of unconscious pricks and a bartender that wants Jonah's. And because history repeats itself, Jonah and Arkham wind up back in an apartment with Jonah being fucked and Arkham having an awkward conversation with a sexy woman.

Come on! That's a choice scene! Bravo!

The next page is even better, especially when she puts her feet in his crotch. In my psyche, that's pornography! Also in my pants!

Those of us reading this comic book should start a secret club! This is one of the best, most consistent comic books in The New 52 and its probably going to be one of the next on the chopping block. I don't know how the secret club would work. I think it should simply consist of an air of superiority for being one of the few people capable of enjoying such a marvelous piece of picto-literature. Maybe that's how we can identify each other! We begin calling comic books "picto-literature!"

Jonah Hex's date has a poster of Monsier Mallah and The Brain in her room, so she's pretty fucking awesome.

I hope he just had sex with one of his and Tallulah Black's descendants.

After the sex, Jonah has another philosophical exchange about America and I'm reminded why I like myself so much. I mean, why I like him! Because he agrees with me on so much! And I'm obviously right and well-informed on everything or else why would I hold those opinions? Why do people enjoy having wrong opinions? Whenever I meet somebody who disagrees with me, I have to wonder, "Why are they so stupid and stubborn?"

SWOON!

Fuck me but I love this fucking comic book. The next page begins with a scene change as the women have joined Arkham and Hex in their convertible. And the first words on the page out of Jonah's mouth are "You can eat the handle?" They just can't get enough of their philosophical talk, these sages!

The women have yet to reveal their names which makes me suspicious. I suppose it's possible that Hex and Arkham have yet to learn them but it seems to me that Hex is the kind of guy that would want to call the woman he's fucking by name. Perhaps Gray and Palmiotti just didn't realize that the women's names weren't revealed this far into the book since their names were probably on the script. Or it could be because this woman was named after her great, great, great grandmother Tallulah!

The girls take Jonah and Jeremiah to a chop shop to swap cars so they can be proper fugitives. The chop shop guy calls the duo "Scar Face and Lab Coat" which are pretty good nicknames for a couple of guys on the run. Although I like my version of their names which was what I read the first time, "Scab face and Lab Coat."

It turns out her name is Gina and she only reveals it as they're headed for breakfast. I guess Jonah was just too confused by the future pussy to get a name. "Why ain't thar no hair down thar? Didja recently have them louses?"

As they're walking to breakfast, they walk past a Race for the Cure event getting started. And then some maniac begins plowing through racers in his car. And Jonah realizes he's going to have to kill someone before he even gets a proper pancake in him. But he doesn't have a gun so he barges into a nearby gun store to load up.

This gun owner has been waiting for a day like this since he opened up! "Finally! I think I got legal right to shoot sum'budy!"

I bet the guy driving the car is a descendant of George Barrow, the man that eventually kills Jonah Hex!

What is it with me and thinking everybody has to be a descendant of somebody important to Jonah Hex's life back in the nineteenth century? Oh, that's right! Because it's a comic book!

Jonah shoots the guy in the head but also takes a couple of light wounds in return. And then amidst the chaos, the police draw down on Jonah Hex and arrest him. Because obviously he's a weirdo with a bandoleer and an old west fetish. He has to be the one that caused all the chaos! Or maybe they just recognize him from the reports about the mentally insane escaped convict with the melty face and the old timey clothes.

Hex is going to be charged with homicide and whatever else the police can make stick because why the fuck not? People were hurt and scared and the police have somebody to throw in jail so that everybody will feel safe again. And they can congratulate themselves on a job well done. Or, if not well done, at least lazily, inefficiently, and arrogantly done. But if they want to arrest him, they're in for a world of hurt! Because Bruce Wayne and his lawyers show up to save the day! Because Bruce Wayne is in reality The Batman! And he probably found the proof needed to prove the proof that Jonah Hex is actually a time traveler from another time!

All Star Western #23 Rating: +4 Ranking. I fucking love the everloving shit out of this Goddamned fucking cocksucking comic book. And DC can use that quote for their advertisements for the trade paperback!

Batman Incorporated Special #1

Damian's dead and Batman is posing on the cover of a comic book with a leaping cow. Fucking disrespectful.

This issue had better end with Damian being resurrected or I'm going to go stand in Starbucks and shit my pants in front of everybody.

No wait! I'm not going to do that! Not again, anyway.

Oh, ha ha! The ease and majesty of "again" in the making of comedy! Thank you, Judd Winick of Real World: San Francisco for that comic advice. I wonder what ever became of you? Enh, I guess some things will always remain a mystery!

Batman begins the issue sitting down in the Batcave ignoring the smell of cow manure as he checks the Bat-computer's case files on members of Batman Incorporated. You know what they say! A control freak's work is never done. And it's certainly never done right if you leave it up to someone else! So it's time to check in on Jiru, the Batman of Japan! Jabatpanman!

Jiro is the best because his secret Batcave lies beneath his Hentai/Sex Toy shop in the Ginza.

What the kids are screaming about is a vending machine vended them a human hand instead of an ice cream cone. I don't know what they're complaining about. Human hands are worth way more than a stupid ice cream sandwich.

Wait. Are they going to investigate the organ harvester or have a ménage à trois?

Jiro and Canary's detectivating lead them to a Capsule Hotel where business men check in and check out weighing a few ounces lighter. For once, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbating! It was a euphemism for having an organ harvested!

Actually, the businessmen never check out at all. They're completely harvested and then the bodies are thrown in the bay. This place must have horrendous Yelp reviews.

I was actually hoping for a Batcow Monthly Series but I think Batman of Japan would kick some serious ass each month.

Seriously though. Batwing is boring the shit out of me and Batman of Japan is just languishing in some editor's desk drawer? At least change Batwing's title to Batman Incorporated and follow stories of the various Batmen around the world month to month. Or just start up a Batman of Japan comic book! The New 52 is currently something like five comics short!

The story ends with the capture of Doctor Inside-Out and about eighteen thousand puns. And poor Jiro still doesn't have a shrink ray!

The next case file stars Knight who used to be Squire but is now Knight because Knight was killed by Batthing!

Oh come on! Be funny!

Knight pouts about for a couple of pages because Batman Incorporated has disbanded and Knight is dead and little girls want autographs. But then Springheel Jack attacks and suddenly Knight is needed again! Because the only other heroes are a Mechanic and some guy that wears a Potato Sack on his head. Also Knight is letting everybody call her Squire so I guess she's still Squire even though Squire is a dumb name for a hero without a Knight.

Her ass is pretty fucking impressive though. If you ignore the extreme bifurcation.

Squire defeats Srpingheel Jack and comes to terms with her loss by taking on the name Knight (I was jumping the gun!) and fighting Dinosaur Droogs manning flying battleships. Seriously. Look for yourself!

I'm beginning to think every other member of Batman Incorporated would be more interesting than Batwing. Although he did recently fight a Lion God and Termite Men. Maybe I'm just being lured away by the newness of these characters! Sorry, Batwing, it looks like our relationship has simply lost its passion and run its course.

Hey DC? If the Wonder Woman movie is "too complicated" to make, how about making this one starring Knight and her battle with the Dinosaur Droogs?!

The next person Batman spies on is Raven Red and Man-of-Bats.

The Raven Red story is about Raven Red battling Coyote in the high girders of a half-finished building while remembering a moment speaking with an old man that seemed to be preparing to jump from the top of a casino. The old man worked building skyscrapers and his story makes me feel queasy and uneasy just thinking about the men that built those steel frames. I'm not afraid of heights but those films of men walking around the girders fifty stories or more in the sky just make my stomach fall out of my body. And the man's story and description is exceptionally well told in this short story.

Speaking of heights and not being afraid of them, a recurring dream I used to have just came to me (because of the feeling this story gave me? Possibly!). I grew up in the south bay of the San Francisco Bay Area and was familiar enough with the hills of San Francisco. When you're driving up a really steep hill, it feels like nothing is grounding you to the world and there's absolutely no reason that the car isn't flipping over backwards and sending you tumbling to your death. I used to have dreams about being a passenger in a car driving up these hills. We never flipped over in my dreams but these dreams may have been the most terrifying dreams I had as a child.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is it's a really nice and evocative story. It's the type of story that every back-up story should try to emulate. This what I absolutely crave in a short eight page back-up feature. Well done!

The next case file stars Nightrunner, El Gaucho, and Dark Ranger. I'm most familiar with El Gaucho because he had the most panel time in the Preboot Batman Incorporated.

These guys are hanging out in Buenos Aires dealing with a city gone mad from some kind of high frequency radio madness attack.

Worst radio station ever. And that's saying something!

While he may be the worst disc jockey I've ever seen (again, that's saying something!), he does have a way with words.

Aquaman would be a good nemesis for a villain that nobody has ever heard of!

They eventually save the day. Batwing would be glad to hear that I'm not exactly clamoring for a comic book starring these guys. Although that's mostly because I still really don't know much about them.

And finally we get to the star of he comic book: Batcow! I'm not going to say this story is worth the cover price because everybody who reads the comic book will then demand that I repay them for thinking this story was worth the cover price. But it does have some really nice Batcow images that I'll probably have to make at least one new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header out of.

Batman Incorporated Special #1 Rating: Just a taste of some stuff that DC had better realize needs to continue. Keep Batman Incorporated's Characters working!

Teen Titans #23

Kid Flash is kidnapped by the Anal Worm Men of Sirius B.

I'm desperately afraid that my shitty caption about the cover is going to prove to be more entertaining than the actual story.

Wait a second. Did I not open the cover to the first page?

What are the odds of Scott Lobdell Lobdelling Teen Titans #23? As you can see from the above scan and from history, 100*%. I just invented that notation. The asterisk represents the word "fucking." As in "One Hundred Fucking Percent." Now that I've explained it, I don't want y'all acting confused every time I use it in the future. And you should all begin using it as well until it becomes common usage by every astrophysicist in the world.

I suppose, if I were the type to cut a writer some slack (I'm not), I could say that this was Scott Lobdell playing with his usual, boring comic book opening pages. He knows that everybody excepts to open up the comic book and have the first caption read, "His name is Kid Flash." And then a short bio and a few boxes to catch everybody up on where the action left off. But since I hate these full page opens to Lobdell's stories and I hate how he begins them all with the "my name" bit and I hate narration boxes and I hate Scott Lobdell and I hate Scott Lobdell's pets and I hate Scott Lobdell's grandmother's cookies and I hate the way Scott Lobdell has been writing Kid Flash, I can't give him any benefit of the doubt that might make this page interesting. If another writer had done it, it would be funny. I could consider it parody or satire. But with Scott Lobdell, I just consider it sad.

Luckily for Kid Flash, Cassie Sandsmark somehow makes it from above deck, spinning around as she ran down the stairs to change into her Wonder Girl outfit (that's how she does it, right?), shoved her way past Solstice who was just standing around stinking up the hallway, picked the lock on Bart's door (which I'm positive he locked to keep that heart-breaking slattern Solstice from bothering him), and was able to lasso Bart's wrist just before he was pulled through the analomaly.

Unluckily for Kid Flash and Wonder Girl, the boat falls apart around them and she's dragged across the splitting floor and pulled in with him.

Luckyluckilily, Bunker is there to save them this time!

Unluckyluckilily, Bunker relies on bracing himself using the crumbling yacht as well! The door frame he's hanging on to breaks and they begin plummeting, once again, into the future!

But wait! If that's as long as you thought the human chain was going to get, you're sorely mistaken, my friends! Next in line is...oh wait.

I guess you were technically correct if you thought that was the end of the "human" chain.

I often say that I really try hard not to let my bias cloud my commentaries. I've also said that that ship sailed a long time ago concerning Scott Lobdell's work. But that panel I just scanned? I really liked it! I like that banter and now realize that a regularly well-written Teen Titans team would be a lot of fun if Beast Boy and Bunker became Besties. And even though the Narration Boxes have been a bit flippant and tongue-in-cheek, I think these express the moments of Beast Boy's short and violent time with the Teen Titans well. He really hasn't had a chance to deal with seeing the other Ravagers stabbed by Deathstroke and seemingly killed (they were merely captured for use in battles at Harvest's Gym later). Do more of this and less whatever you normally do, Mr. Lobdell! See? I can even be respectful when you perform adequately!

Solstice and Superboy show up next to help keep Kid Flash from disappearing into the future. I hope Red Robin shows up last and says, "Grab my hand! I'll save you!" And everybody will pout and stomp their feet and glare down at him and say, "No." Then they'll all willingly head into the Analomaly instead of having to hang out with that douchebag Tim Drake.

Who, I might add, was being controlled by Trigon while he was being a douchebag so these brats had better get it together and forgive him already!

Red Robin does show up last and has a strategy! He tells Superboy to use his telekinesis to disrupt the portal because that will do something that will help!

Dude! Drop it! Let it go! Sheesh, you weren't even hurt by it! Superboy just likes causing trouble.

Red Robin's plan works and Kid Flash is saved! Umm. Yay? I thought this month was supposed to be Flash dealing with his future? I should know better than to speculate on future events of Teen Titans based on how one issue ends. I'm not even sure Scott Lobdell rereads or remembers anything he writes. But that's okay! At least the team seems to be getting along which is all I fucking wanted at the end of last issue. All that sudden drama was bullshit.

Meanwhile in the 30th Century:

I don't know who these jokers are but hold a grudge much? You're in the 30th Century. Bar Tor went to the 21st. He's long fucking dead by now! Get over it.

Everybody is happy that Bart didn't die. Except Raven keeps adding snide remarks to the conversation which seem to be trying to get members of the Titans to doubt other members of the Titans. She'd better rein it in a little, the stupid mole! She's going to blow her cover on her first night as an infiltrator! Also, her costume is horrible. I just thought that should be mentioned every fucking time I have to look at it. Just awful.

Afterward, Beast Boy and Bunker hang out because they're going to become best friends and have long, deep, funny discussions about the existence or non-existence of God. But before they can learn they're best friends, Bunker has to head back to Mexico because his boyfriend has finally come out of his coma. I'm sure he's in his coma because Bunker crushed him with his psychic bricks on accident.

Just offshore, Cassie is thinking about her father who she might now never get to know since he's been shattered into a bajillion pieces by the First Born over in Wonder Woman. But that's okay because she's feeling all vulnerable and full of Daddy Issues which enables Superboy to swoop in and act charming and innocent. It's easy to act charming and innocent when you're only about eight months old! And I guess Superboy's super hot and sexy "personality" has finally tipped the scales against Cassie's hatred for him trying to kill her because they finally decide to see who has the stronger gag reflex.

I wonder if Timothy kept his mask on when Cassie fucked him?

Inside Teen Titans Control, Red Robin explains all the strengths and weaknesses of his team. He says of Solstice: "Everything about Solstice and her past indicates she should have given up on herself--on life--long before we met her." What a dick! "Hey, Solstice! I'm fucking surprised you didn't just eat a bullet already! Man, you're a loser! Total victim, again and again! Are you too stupid to realize how pathetic your life is?!"

That might have made me look like a bigger dick than Red Robin!

Tim Drake is supposed to be a pretty smart cookie, so I think he knows that Raven is still under Trigon's influence. He's completely up her ass about how strong and good and wonderful she is. How she has so much strength to stand up to her father. He sounds like he's trying to convince her to truly rebel and join the team. It's why he told her what dire straights all the other members were in before joining. He wants her to realize she's one of them, if she'll only let go of her past. And he's really very subtle about it!

Here's Scott Lobdell telling everybody to stop fucking asking him what it stands for because he can't fucking think of anything good. No wonder! The acronym has three more letters than H.I.V.E. and he came up with a complete shit acronym for that!

How about Nasty Ogres Who Hurt Every Runaway Ever?

And finally in the Titans working through their relationship panels, Kid Flash decides he loves the taste of Burnt Cinder Lip Gloss.

Boom! Super quick jizz in the pants!

The issue ends with Bunker and Beast Boy leaving the Titans to go on a super buddy road trip across the United States so Bunker can be at the side of his man, Gabriel. I hope Gabriel ends up being Bunker's evil son from the future that's also his father from his past and now his lover! That's what Cable was to Cyclops, right?

Teen Titans #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. There were some actual glimpses of a good team here! I hope Bunker and Beast Boy get their own comic book and it's written by somebody else! Anybody else! No, not Ann Nocenti! Anybody anybody else!

The Green Team #4

Big deal. It'll grow right back. And if it doesn't, she's rich enough to buy a new one.

Speaking of Ernest Hemingway, I've got a degree in literature and I've never read a single one of his books. I'm only interested in reading one of his books because I've never read one of his books. I was assigned A Farewell to Arms in one of my college classes but since the final essay was only going to require discussion of two out of three books, I skipped reading it because I'm an efficient motherfucker. I also missed reading a lot of standard books assigned in Junior High or High School because I was always in the Advanced Classes or the Classes Where All We Did Was Study Various Versions of Romeo and Juliet. I will hate you until the day I die, Mr. Souza! So while I was reading Samson Agonistes, everybody else was enjoying Where the Red Fern Grows and Animal Farm.

Okay, that's enough banter. I have a lot of comic books to get through before I can read Forever Evil! So hold on tight, bitches! I'm turning these commentaries up to whatever the metric of eleven is! Probably ten!

Don't worry if that didn't make any fucking sense. We don't have time to stop every few sentences and think, "Hunh? What the fuck?" Just go with it! Sheesh!

Last issue, J.P. and Commodore 64 unmasked Riot and were super shocked to discover he was...well, I don't know who the fuck he was because the comic book decided to go all anti-dramatic irony on me. What did I decide that was? Undramatic Irony? You know, where the characters learn something on-panel but the reader isn't privy to the revelation? I suppose I could call it bullshit as well but there are children reading this.

A lot of shit has happened between issues. On page two, they're already confronting Big Daddy Riot.

I'm going to be in Las Vegas in October and I'm going to try running around the casinos in this kind of get-up! Minus the gun! Although I have a feeling with or without the gun, I'd be in for a shitty evening.

Before a nice, leisurely conversation can begin, Cecilia flips the fuck out and begins throwing Blackjack tables. I can't say I'm surprised that talking didn't happen before violence. But I am surprised that Cecilia gets her arm ripped out right at the top of page four. Just like the cover! And over so quickly! That's impressive since most covers usually spoil the big surprise moment that comes at the end of the issue.

Pick your caption: "Like the way you were born was any better?" or "Mo's obviously not the brains of this team."

Mob Rule Riot simply wants Commodore 64's suit since he believes it should have been sold to him. Although I don't know why he'd want a stupid mecha-suit when he has his multiplying powers. Unless the suit can multiply as well! That might be the case since Riot's clones don't all pop out of him naked.

Commodore 64 is captured and dragged away while Riot's clones continue to battle Mo and J.P. and Cecilia and Abisha. That gives time for Big Daddy Riot to reveal his secret identity!

Surprise! He actually is Big Daddy!

The revelation that Riot is Commodore 64's daddy isn't as exciting as it would be if I knew more about these characters. But it is exciting since I believe that Daddy Issues make the world go around!

Even though it was established last issue that the suits would only work for the person who first uses them, J.P. is able to use Cecilia's disc (which was originally his!) to become the Gold Green Team Power Ranger. It might be because his DNA was inside of Cecilia when she used the disc and the disc is kind of confused. Or it could just be that editorial thought it would be weird to have the big macho guy in the Pink Power Ranger Suit. Let me state, for the record, that I disagree. Anyway, J.P. fries all the clones left to battle the Green Team.

Meanwhile Commodore 64 is taken to his father's Secret Lair in Nice, France, where he can reveal his nefarious plot like a good maniacal villain!

Oh man! I don't have an heir! That means I need to discover the secret of immortality too! And how am I going to help the world grow without providing an offspring with severe Daddy Issues!

Do I need to say "needless to say" before I say J.P. and Cecilia and Mo and J.P.'s sister whateverthefuckhernamewas show up just in time to save Commodore 64's life? They were led there by pieces of Cecilia's mangled arm! But they're just the distraction to help Commodore 64 end his Daddy Issue's once and for all.

Is this the Scientific Version of "from dust to dust"? "From sperm to sperm!"

My favorite part about this moment is how the father in the podcast "Kids on Comics" is going to have to discuss this with his ten year old. I listened to their podcast on Green Team #1 and the son seemed super excited to continue reading this comic book. Now he's going to wonder why a son killed his father. Hey, Kids on Comics Dad? Might I suggest an Ancient Greek Play you might want to talk to him about? Although he may be weird around your wife after that.

Oh Mo. You're still young! You'll learn!

My main Daddy Issue? I didn't give a fuck what that drunken sot thought. So I have no ambition and am a complete failure!

Green Team #4 Rating: No change. Cecilia's arm will be okay when somebody sticks another dick in her. Disc! I meant disc! Sheesh. I can't wait until they figure out why J.P's disc worked on both Cecilia and J.P.! My bet is on the sperms!

Catwoman #23

I'm so happy Gotham has an underground. Because the surface wasn't scary enough.

It's time to find out what's been happening in Gotham's Sword and Sorcery World! Legendary Barbarian Catwoman was on a quest with her Scout Sidekick Tinderbox to find husbands for everybody! Catwoman has gotten to a point in her life where she desperately needs to find a man because stealing jewels just isn't doing it for her anymore. Also, she's being written by Ann Nocenti. So Selina is searching for her possible husband, King Rat-Tails, in a fantasy wasteland inhabited by the Warhogs! They're like the Morlocks only less albinoey. Tinderbox is her new friend who wants a husband herself. And she wants one at any cost! She said it herself: he can beat her all he wants as long as she gets that fucking ring on her fiery finger!

Where the fuck is Ugly Cat?! If Nocenti forgot about Ugly Cat already, I'm going to write her a letter that contains the word "cunt" forty-two times.

Oh, don't get your female genitalia in a twist! I'm a feminist! I've sent the exact same letter to Scott Lobdell!

Before I really get started reading, I should also point out that this issue was co-plotted by Scott McDaniel. So it might make more sense! Although Nocenti still has script credit so I'm not jizzing in my pants or anything.

In fact, after reading the second page, I'm actively punching myself in the balls.

Every beat of this dialogue is crap. Crap I say!

First off, surprise! The princess is a total princess! Um, you know what I mean. She's exactly how you'd expect somebody to write a princess when they're told to write a princess in Creative Writing 101 at the Adult Education Classes that take over the Junior High during summer. I'm beginning to miss the rebellious young girl that just wanted a husband to beat her!

Next Catwoman begins to wonder what a cat knows that she doesn't know. Duh! Only, like, everything! You're Catwoman! You know cats! If you're following Ugly Cat because of what Ugly Cat is staring at, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Because I'm absolutely sure that Catwoman can't cross from one dimension to another. Cats are constantly staring into other dimensions which is why they stare up at ceilings or through walls or at the arm of the chair for minutes on end.

After that, of course, is Catwoman not liking Ugly Cat because she doesn't trust it and it follows her everywhere. I love cats but does that mean I trust them? Hell no! I look like a great big unripe Twinkie to them! Right now, my cat Judas is sitting on my lap simply because he wants Dibs on my juicy eyeballs when I die and wants to beat Pelafina to the tasty treats. Sure, he acts sweet. But I fucking know better.

And lastly, Tinkerbox making the giant leap in logic that Catwoman doesn't trust much because she says she doesn't trust one Ugly Cat. Maybe this is only ridiculous to me? Is this how regular people speak? Someone says, "I don't drink milk." And then the next person says, "You really hate cows, don't you?" I suppose I'm being overly hyperbolic again. I should just be happy that Ugly Cat is still in this comic book.

Goats in gas masks! That's got to be good for some rankings, right?

As Catwoman and Tinderbell approach the Realm of the Warhogs, Tinkerbottom flips the fuck out and begins attacking Catwoman because she doesn't want Catwoman stealing her future fungus husband. Now I see why why Tenderbosom assumed that Catwoman doesn't trust much: she was projecting!

Now Catwoman is criticizing somebody for using her #1 Patented Attack, The Face Claw?

I'm beginning to suspect that Ann Nocenti is reading her character's name wrong. Has anybody sat her down to explain she is writing "Cat" "Woman"? Perhaps Ann Nocenti thinks she's writing "Catwo" "Man" and she's too embarrassed to ask someone what a "Catwo" is! Or maybe she simply doesn't know what a cat or a woman is? I'm having difficulty comprehending how Nocenti can write a character so horribly. Even if I were the shittiest writer in the world (I'm not! I can think of two at least that work for DC that are worse than me!), I think I could string together a couple of scenes that would make a character named Catwoman believable. First I'd open with her naked on the bed licking her asshole. And then I'd have her roommate eating breakfast while Catwoman comes up to her and says, "WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT FOR ME? WHAT'S THAT? IT SURE SMELLS GOOD! WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT FOR ME? WHAT IS THAT?!" And after I nailed those woman characteristics, I'd make her act like a cat for awhile!

What the fuck is going on?! Are we, as comic book readers, absolutely, 100% positive that Ann Nocenti is a female writer?

Catwoman: (Holy fuck! A woman with flaming hands is attacking me and trying to gouge out my eyes while her goats shit all over my beautiful Dog Skin boots! What the fuck do I do?)
Catwoman: (Hmm. She has a super fine ass! Perhaps a spanking will subdue her! And maybe some candles and incense! I wonder if I brought my satin sheets?)

Before Catwoman and Tenderbutts can break out the massage oils, The Warhogs attack! They must not have any females in the Warhog clan because they rape the goats first. Catwoman and Tinderbox almost make a clean getaway except Ugly Cat decides to stand and fight. Catwoman goes back to save him and then blames him on ruining their smooth getaway. Poor Ugly Cat. He was just sacrificing his life so they could get away and Catwoman decides to fuck up his moment and then criticize him for his actions. What a bitch.

Why would she "get back there" if she knows they're going to do more than spank her? I guess Catwoman was listening when she heard Tenderbox wanted a husband that would abuse her.

I'm purposefully misconstruing the dialogue in this comic book to make it seem more misogynistic than it is. But here's the thing: not by fucking much! At least the art is nice to look at. It's nice and comic booky! My favorite!

Although I like the art, the panel layout and the plotting could use a lot of work. One panel, Catwoman and Tinderbox head into a deadend while the Warhogs are getting out a rope. The next panel, Tinderbox is tied up and Catwoman is still kicking Warhogs in the face while screaming, "They got us now, Tinderbox! Just relax. Let's see how things play out inside the bunker." Those are words of two prisoners trussed up and being dragged back to the enemy's base. The next panel, Catwoman is still fighting while saying, "Let me do the talking." Again, it's as if they should be speaking under their breath as they're carted off as prisoners. By the third panel, Catwoman is being overwhelmed and now she says, "Damn. We surrender, you grunts. What do I have to do, wave a white flag?" No but you should probably stop kicking them in the face.

Once inside, the barely intelligible Warhogs send Catwoman and Thunderbooks through a gas shower to clean them of Under Realm contaminants.

Can they not see that she's wearing a gas mask, goggles, and a skin tight leather suit? How do they think the gas is going to penetrate even her pores?

Even Catwoman seems unable to comprehend the amount of protection from gas she's wearing as she proudly stands amongst the Warhogs at the end hoping to have earned some of their respect for making it through the gas. They don't give it to her. So she calls them a "stupid boys' club." Please, Selina. You've lost any right to start attacking people for perceived gender biases.

The leader, a man with a Biohazard symbol tattooed over his right eye, actually begins to act civil to his guests when he realizes they've brought thirty furry cock muzzles for him. That would be what I imagine The Warhogs call goats. Furry Cock Muzzles.

The leader, whose son is named Rake but he hasn't given his own name yet, gives Catwoman and Twinnerblocks a tour of The Bunker. It's a place built to survive any kind of apocalypse a person could think of. Except maybe a severe case of mutated Goat Syphilis that goes airborne through semen-tainted goat farts. So with all of this end of the world shit going down, I suppose that whackjob security guard from last issue suddenly makes sense. Kind of. At least enough sense to warm up the readers as to where this story was headed.

I love Catwoman's reaction to friendly bacteria. "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" Your biological ignorance is showing, Selina. That's what I call her boobs. Selina's Biological Ignorance.

Catwoman shouldn't worry too much about her own Biological Ignorance though because the leader of the Warhogs has enough of his own. His expertise is symbiotic viral mutations but now he's working on symbiotic bacteria. I think he's trying to make a virus that infects people with his symbiotic bacteria that proffers supreme resistance to contagions to the host organism. I hope I'm wrong though because having a virus pass along bacteria is like strapping a jet fighter to a paper airplane. Maybe. Who am I? Doctor Science Man?

Selina decides that she needs to stop this crazy person before he lets his virus loose on Gotham and I agree with her. He's more likely to set loose that Airborne Goat Syphilis I was talking about than his Super Friendly Bacteria.

Meanwhile The Joker's Daughter is wandering around with Ugly Cat pouting that she wasn't invited to the wedding between Rape and Tenderbox. I suppose that's why Catwoman mistrusts the Ugly Cat so much. Because it's a Joker Cat. Although it has yet to be drawn ugly. I don't think Rafa Sandoval reads the dialogue and I don't think Ann Nocenti looks at the panels she adds the dialogue to. It's a non-symbiotic relationship! There's probably a sciency word for that! There's probably also a sciency word for sciency!

Also, I think one of The Warhogs has been infected with THE ESCALATOR! But I could be wrong about that because I don't really remember what happened to THE ESCALATOR! I think its host almost died so it wandered off to find a new one? I try not to allow too much horrible shit I've read to remain clogging space in the memory banks.

Hee hee. The entrance to The Nethers is a giant sphincter!

I believe the Joker's Daughter is just some loony ass loony that discovered The Joker's face floating around in The Nethers and decided to wear it and claim herself as his kin. I also believe that Ann Nocenti thinks she's making the new hit character, Harley Quinn II! I also also believe that a better writer will eventually have The Joker simply kill The Joker's Daughter to get his fucking face back.

Back in the Warhog's Bunker, Rake and Tinderbox don't get along very well because he's a self-righteous twat and she had fire coming out of her head. The leader decides to call off the wedding but would still like to keep the peace somehow. But that's when the Suvival Get-up Man recognizes Catwoman and starts trouble!

"She's got the Goat Syphilis! Stop her!"

As if all Catwoman has to do is steal this one test tube full of toxin. I'm sure he has loads of the stuff in various forms and differing trials. Surely he wouldn't keep his entire stash in one test tube where one random contamination could destroy his life's work. Right? Why is this such a trope? If somebody develops some kind of biological weapon, it will usually be confined to one container that can easily be made off with.

By holding the toxin hostage, Catwoman and Tinderbox are allowed out of the Bunker. But it apparently means war between the tribes. Oh, big fucking deal. Just get the hell out of there Catwoman and let them war like they've been doing forever without even Batman noticing. I wonder if the Court of Owls gets sick of them stomping all over their underground labyrinths? I guess Catwoman hasn't saved King Rat-tail yet but fuck him. The Joker's Daughter probably already ate him. And speaking of The Joker's Daughter!

I still don't see it. How is that cat ugly?

Catwoman #23 Rating: No change. I get the feeling that this cover was meant for last issue. The cover this month should have been a herd of gas masked goats with Catwoman shepherding them along. I mean goatherding them! Sorry about that slip. I don't want people to think I'm Speciesist.