Justice League #22

Trinity War! It's about Godfuckingdamned time! So what's the next big story that we're all supposed to wet our underwear over?

Before I get started actually talking about the beginning of The Trinity War, something just occurred to me. When I was reading Jim Shooter's bitter review of Catwoman #1, one of the things he was bitching about was Catwoman's cat carrier! He says of March's work, "He should also get ref on a cat carrier, or at least decide if the one he’s drawing opens on top or at the ends." Hey, Jim Shooter, you fucking garbage bag! MANY CAT CARRIERS OPEN FROM THE TOP AND THE END! DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!

Thank you for indulging me. That felt good! I think I can hear Scott Lobdell snickering in the distance. That Trouble Shooter must have been one real peach to work for! Not that it sounds like many head editors at Marvel or DC had an easy time keeping the lousy writers and lazy artists in line! I suppose I don't envy Shooter trying to do that job about as much as I don't envy anybody working under him. At least he was probably a better boss than Mort Weisinger!

Now that I've probably made yet another enemy in the comic book business through my absurd use of hyperbolic anger, let's find out what this Trinity War is all about!

The first thing I notice is how smooth the comic book feels. It's the same material they used for the covers of the Before Watchmen comic books. It slides nicely over my naked body and it smells like a real magazine! It also looks like Katana has her Soultaker blade back! Well fuck! Now Katana #6 is spoiled!

The issue begins with a blonde woman paying a visit to Madame Xanadu. No! Stop it, you dumb woman! She's going to look into your future and see the end of the world! Then she's going to make you pay a shitload of money to change that future. She'll hire a bunch of super heroes and tell them what they need to do to save the world. Then the heroes will run around like monkeys with their dicks cut off until Madame Xanadu says, "We did it! We changed the future!" And everyone will blink and go, "What the fuck did we do?" And Xanadu will wink and nod and say, "Yes." And everyone will look quizzically at each other and go home until the next time Madame Xanadu decides to lie about knowing how to see the future.

Madame Xanadu, you have a mental disorder.

Madame Xanadu continues to ignore the woman's problems while she tries to figure out how this Trinity War comes about. She's merely using this woman as a vehicle to see the future since the woman will also be in that future somewhere. But Xanadu doesn't give a fuck about helping the woman combat her sleep suicide problem she's having. Xanadu decides to do some Tarot to find out who causes the Trinity War. The cards read, "The Boy," and show a picture of Shazam. That's quite the Tarot Deck!

Currently that boy is wondering what to do with Black Adam's ashes. I'm simply impressed that he had the presence of mind to sweep Black Adam into an urn before he could blow away or turn into caked nastiness from rain. He's decided to fly over Khandaq and dump the ashes there. That might be a bad idea seeing as how Khandaq is full of mistrustful leaders who are looking for any excuse to blow the shit out of any other nation.

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and Superman are on a date touring Belle Reve having a philosophical discussion about capital punishment. Superman says, "I'm not for it but I'm completely up for some corporal punishment!" And Wonder Woman says, "Tee hee!" as she grabs her fanny and runs down the halls of the prison.

Sure, you say it's a Lasso of Truth. But how do we know it's not really a Lasso of False Confessions? And how do we know it's not racist? And does it make a person tell the actual truth whether they know it or not or just what they perceive to be the truth? I don't think your little lasso is as infallible as you'd like to believe, Madam.

Madame Xanadu next turns over the Pandora card. This causes Pandora to approach Superman and Wonder Woman, asking Superman to please open her box because he has the biggest heart. Or maybe Pandora approaching Superman causes Xanadu to turn over the Pandora card. Or maybe it's purely synchronicity and one event has no causal relation to the other!

In another scene over in Washington, DC, Amanda Waller uses the word "literally" and I have to drink. See, it's this ongoing game I have. Whenever somebody says "literally," I drink. It's why I can't watch reality television shows or speak with my friend Jerry before going to work. I guess I just have to figuratively drink this morning though because I drank all of my sake while playing Call of Duty on Thursday night.

Anyway, Amanda wants to recruit Doctor Light onto the Justice League of America even though he only recently received super powers and yet he already has a costume. The costume must have just appeared when his powers did. Maybe Arthur Light just hangs around naked and uses his light powers to create his costume. Except his Light Powers in The New 52 seem to be anti-light powers! He's not a Doctor of Light at all! He's a Cancer to Light! Actually, he probably just doesn't know how to use his powers yet.

This is called "Dramatic Irony."

Madame Xanadu continues turning over cards from the strangest Tarot deck I've ever seen. The Detective?! I wonder if she has a card for every single character of the DCnU in this deck? It's probably mystically big while seeming like it only has 78 cards in it. The reason I know how many cards are in a Tarot Deck has nothing to do with the fact that I used to own the Tarot Deck with art by Dave Mckean. The reason I know the number is because it was a riddle I could never answer in the third Wizardry game, Legacy of Llylgamyn that began, "I am one of the deck of seventy eight." This was back when the internet didn't exist and we were all really stupid and pornless.

While The Atom plays around on an old chess set shaped like the Justice League when Martian Manhunter was a member, Pandora shoves her box into Superman's hands and he flips the fuck out. Apparently his heart isn't as pure as an Irish spring. Pandora takes back the box and beats the hell out of town. Superman failed the audition. Next?!

But before next which will probably be in Trinity War Part Two, the Justice League needs to stop Shazam from starting an international incident by raining human remains down upon the people of Khandaq. And the Justice League of America is heading in to Khandaq to start the international incident that the Justice League is going to stop by stopping the Justice League from starting an international incident.

Ha ha ha! Aquaman sucks!

Over in Khandaq, Superman and Shazam begin pummeling each other while Madame Xanadu, speaking to herself (or maybe John Constantine!), mentions how they all have secrets. Oh, I guess she's not speaking to Constantine then because he already knows that. He is, after all, the master of the House of Secrets. And he may end up in Khandaq with the other Justice League of the Dark members since Batman called up Zatanna before heading to Khandaq. He wanted some tips on how to fight magic people. And Constantine has probably been monitoring Zatanna's phone line since she ditched the team. So they're all probably going to meet in the middle of the Khandaqi desert to discuss what to do about the end of the world.

Well, at least the two main Justice Leagues get to meet. Although it's a pretty sketchy reason to be confronting each other. Just about everybody on the Justice League of America know this whole confrontation is bullshit and yet they're all still participating. Whatever the JLA is paying, it must be some pretty good dough. Or perhaps Martian Manhunter has psychically lowered their resistance to following stupid orders.

The Question makes his first appearance in The Trinity War. He's put up a poster of Superman and then tacked a bunch of yarn to it to help him answer the question "Who is the evil behind the evil?" I think the other questions he's asking are "Why do all of these articles I cut out only say NONONONONONONONONONONONO?" and "How did I get this photo of Superman and Wonder Woman kissing?"

And then Superman blasts Doctor Light in the face with his heat vision, killing him. At least that's what it seems! Madame Xanadu sees it and believes it was someone other than Superman. The Question believes it was The Imputer. Superman thinks it was Superman. So is he innocent or not? Hey, how about tying Supes up with the Lasso of Truth! That'll show everybody whether he's innocent or guilty! Oh wait. He thinks he's guilty! Which means he'll say he killed Doctor Light, right? Yeah, that lasso is just as reliable as a crappy ass lie detector, Wonder Jerk.

Even Plastique and the Secret Society have been fooled into believing Madame Xanadu can actually tell the future.

The next page is a really good one because Madame Xanadu blows up! Some seer she was!

Then all hell breaks loose in Khandaq because the Justice League apparently stands by Superman's decision to kill Doctor Light. Instead of Batman going, "Holy fuck, maybe we shouldn't be killing other heroes?", he decides to punch Catwoman in the throat. And instead of Superman falling to his knees and allowing himself to be taken away for killing Doctor Light, he decides he should brawl with Martian Manhunter. The only sensible one is The Atom, probably because she's worked on both teams and gotten to know everybody in the fight. Or it could be that none of them noticed her because she's super tiny! And she might not really care about stopping the fight or she would, you know, grow bigger and say, "Knock it off, you assholes!"

Wait. She can grow bigger, right? She just wears a magic belt that makes her small. Right?

And because the media are really, really good at their jobs in comics and they actually have people out in the field reporting on actual events and digging up stories instead of just sitting in air conditioned rooms waiting for a press release, they're already airing reports about the death of Doctor Light at the hands of Superman! Holy shit, comic book reporters are fucking brilliant! Lois Lane must be a master if she's competing against this kind of speed and accuracy! Unless, you know, the reports in the comic book are from Lois Lane. That probably makes the most sense.

The man behind it all! He's better at planning convoluted and intricate plots than Harvest ever was!

Did the Purple People Leader program Doctor Light's head to explode when he got near Superman? Did he use the light coin on Doctor Light? And did he use Pandora's Box to program a red light to shoot out of Superman's forehead when Doctor Light's Light Ray went off? Because the Purple People Leader does worship, in some way, Pandora's box. I'm not sure how he manipulated Amanda Waller to get Doctor Light on the team but that was probably the easiest part of the plan. Oh! Also, the Superman Chess Piece was missing so that probably means something too. Like maybe this Superman isn't really Superman but a Superman Simulacrum which is why his heart wasn't pure enough to open Pandora's box! No, no. That's getting too convoluted even for a comic book!

Justice League #22 Rating: No change. Poor fucking Doctor Light. He gets one lousy issue! One lousy issue! I suppose even though this is a whole new universe and the Reboot changed everything, he still couldn't get the taint of diddling little children out of his costume. And he just hadn't been punished enough! Also, Madame Xanadu probably isn't dead. I'm going to say there is a 35% chance that she's not dead at all and a 64% chance that she's mostly not dead and a 1% chance that she can actually see the future.

Green Lantern #22

Blatant cross-promotional tie-in foil cover trading card collector's edition issue.

I'm actually sort of surprised that Larfleeze #1 wasn't released with fifty two variant covers and each of those variant covers released with foil, embossed, three dimensional, moving, and glow-in-the-dark covers. DC should have at least promoted all of those covers and then simply released the normal version with a press release that Larfleeze bought up all the rest.

What I'm saying is that comic book companies should lie to their customers more often.

This issue is called "'Green' Lanterns." Get it?! They're new recruits! So they're green in two different ways! It's a good thing I'm here to point out these things!

Last issue, Hal Jordan was disappointed in the looks of his new recruits simply because they were small in stature and cute and fuzzy, not to mention super sexy if we're talking about the one with the octopus face. RAWR! This issue begins with Hal Jordan screaming at these poor new recruits.

Oh shit! Sharknado!

My favorite alternate "Sharknado" type movie title was written by The Tweet of God on Twitter: "Tarantulavalanche." Not only is it an awesome word; it's also super duper terrifying!

I suppose Hal is being hard on the new recruits because he doesn't want them to die like that other one died. One of them died last issue, right? Oh no! He died "soon" and not "now"! Good thing I can't remember which one (I'm pretty sure it's the schwa looking one!) so it'll be a surprise when it happens again! So now these new recruits need to figure out the rings on the fly! Oh, they also have to figure out how to fly!

This one is my new hero.

Jim Shooter: "Are you kidding? Your new hero?! This is ridiculous! Green Lanterns are a serious, cosmic police force and they're engaging in slapstick?! And why the fuck is Mel Jordan's head sticking up outside of the panel?! DC is awful!"

Saint Walker and a Star Sapphire that I've never been introduced to join the battle against Larfleeze. All the power rings short out for a brief moment but when they kick back in, the Star Sapphire is ripped apart by Larfleeze's Orange Constructs. No wonder I was never introduced to her! The ring heads out to look for a replacement and decides the female prisoner that was pitching woo with the Warden of the Sciencells should be the next Star Sapphire. He opens the cell, the ring transforms her into a Star Sapphire, and she murders him.

This reminds me of this song.

Grabbing that link wasted a good thirty minutes as I watched a bunch of Concrete Blonde videos and an interview with Johnette. When people ask what my favorite whatever is, I generally can only give a list of the top five or ten favorite things in whatever category simply because they all change so often with my mood and where I'm at in life. But Concrete Blonde has been my favorite band for twenty three years now. Longer if I include having heard God is a Bullet on 21 Jumpstreet and having the song stuck in my head for a number of years before I discovered it was Concrete Blonde who sang it. That happened my first year in college at Portland State University. A friend of mine left his Doors tape in my room. It was taped off of an album with another band, Concrete Blonde, on the other side. The next day when I hopped in the shower, I thought, "Let's see what this Concrete Blonde sounds like." To my surprise, a familiar song came blaring out of my ghetto blaster. I had finally found the band! The next day, I took the Max down to Lloyd Center (this was before it was an enclosed mall! Holy long ago!) and picked up Bloodletting. I've now seen Concrete Blonde three times and Johnette alone once during a free lunchtime concert in Pioneer Place in downtown Portland. Hearing that voice live simply brings tears to my eyes.

Wait! Who was my favorite Green Lantern? Because I lied! It's octopus face! Move over Vampire Tig and Emerald Empress! I have another comic book crush!

Doesn't it look like Kilowog is disemboweling and feasting on the Orange Construct he's fighting? I bet Orange Lantern Light tastes like orange cream. Mmmmm!

I love these fight scenes! There's just so much to look at and Billy Tan is doing a wonderful job! The art is detailed and crisp and gorgeously colored, so kudos to Rob Hunter, Jon Sibal, and Alex Sinclair! I don't often mention the colorists and that's a shame because they do so much work. But I'm still learning to be a proper fan and just barely remember the names and stylings of the pencillers! Learning the colorists is like a Master's Level Course and I'm still just a sophomore! I may have been reading comics for about thirty years but I've never been very good at learning the history and remembering names except of my very favorites.

Oh, and Robert Vendetti's writing is fun! I'm thrilled DC found this man and hope they keep him happy. I'd love to see him stick to Green Lantern for a really nice long run. Maybe not a Geoff Johns sized run! But a couple dozen issues would be nice!

Hal Jordan's plan is to send out the impounded ships on Oa and fool Larfleeze into thinking they're fleeing with lots and lots of goodies. Larfleeze confuses his own army by commanding them to be in two places at once, and that's when the Green Lantern Corps attacks and defeats them! Larfleeze retreats with a typical, "I'll be back!" and nobody celebrates because the dead Star Sapphire is lying right there in the middle of everything and ruining everybody's good time.

Green Lantern #22 Rating: +3 Ranking. What more can I say? I'm really enjoying Green Lantern now that Geoff Johns is off it and I don't need to know ten years of story to understand what the fuck is going on!

Action Comics #22

Yay! Pure Scott Lobdell goodness!

I haven't said anything about the time I met Gail Simone and her husband at the Portland city comic con. I felt that, maybe, I should not say anything so that other comic book writers and artists will speak to me without worry of me blabbing their secrets all over the internet. But I've had a few glasses of sake and it's not like Gail Simone said anything negative about Scott Lobdell anyway. It was her husband! Sort of. Maybe.

Now I feel like a real journalist! I'm going to print my "experience" of events instead of well documented quotes!

So, I approached Gail Simone and her husband and said, "Hello, Gail! I'm the person who writes Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Would you sign my book?" And Gail looked at me as if I just hypnotized her and shined the bat signal in her face. Perhaps she just didn't know who I was. At that time, maybe it was simply her husband who had followed me and said, "Your reviews are mean and hilarious." But then her husband stepped up and said, "Your commentaries are really funny. And true!" I knew exactly what he meant! He was telling me with that statement that everybody associated with DC thinks that Scott Lobdell sucks! I'm pretty sure that's what he meant. I'm not sure how I could interpret it any other way. Especially when he said, "And the people you write about are Gail's friends!" See? Scott Lobdell is Gail's friend! I think I totally cracked the code! What he was saying was that Scott Lobdell sucked! And what Gail was saying with her eyes and deer-in-the-headlights look was, "Hey, hubby, shut the fuck up before you get me in trouble already!"

A friend of mine met Gail and her husband at the Denver Comic Con event where people were able to meet the artists. He said that Gail's husband asked them what ice cream flavor they would be. I think what he meant by that was, "Scott Lobdell is a horrible writer, isn't he?" And I'm a professional journalist, so my interpretation of the events is probably fairly accurate.

Boy, I hope if I ever meet Gail Simone again, she'll still talk with me. I wish I had prepared better for meeting Gail and Scott Lobdell. But since I'm not used to meeting the artists, I just asked them to sign my Big Book of DC New 52 #1s. Afterward, I thought I really should have asked Scott Lobdell which of The New 52 comics was his favorite. I also should have asked him if he knew how to write a decent story.

Hey look! It's the same old "My name is Superboy" splash page beginning! Can't this respected comic book author begin a comic book in any other way?

Speaking of Scott Lobdell being a respected writer, listen to how this excerpt sounds from Marvel Comics: The Untold Story by Sean Howe:

But within a few months, Byrne, like Claremont, was faced with impossible turnaround times, forced to dialogue from last-minute faxes of Lee and Portacio's artwork [on X-Men]. The pages were arriving piecemeal, three at a time, and every time another fax came through, the plot would take an unexpected turn, so that Byrne would have to rewrite the previous pages.

He found his breaking point when Harras called and asked him to script an entire issue overnight. Byrne refused. "Something's gotta be done about this," he told Harras. "This is insane."

"We'll take care of it," Harras assured him, then hung up the phone and hurried over to Nicieza's office. "John's not scripting this issue," Harras said. "Can you do it for me?"

"When do you need it by?"

"Tomorrow."

"There's no way."

At that very moment, Scott Lobdell, a struggling stand-up comic who was always hustling for freelance writing gigs, walked by Nicieza's office door. Nicieza, smiling, pointed his finger, and Harras looked up.

Harras hung his head and let out a resigned sigh.

Lobdell finished the issue overnight. Two weeks later, Byrne heard from a friend who'd seen Lobdell at a party. Lobdell had been given the regular X-Men writing assignment. "Years later," Byrne said, "I was told you should always be careful when Bob says, 'We'll take care of it.'"

Does that story paint Lobdell in a good light? Holy fuck no! Nobody seems to have wanted him writing! But the fucker can make a deadline, so he got the job. And he's had a job writing comic books for twenty years because he can make a deadline. Well fuck! I can make a deadline too if my stories don't make any fucking sense and ignore the characters' histories and motivations! I can tell an artist, "Orion comes to Earth and fights Superman. Meanwhile, Diana Prince goes to a get-together at Lois Lane's house. Draw that shit!" And then after the artist draws it, I can just add whatever dialogue pops into my head! Lobdell got the job because he scripted an entire comic book in one night. Fucking I believe it. ALL of his scripts read like they were written in one night.

Back to the story, while Hector Hammond goes for his Space Sit on some mission for H.I.V.E., a creature named Straith from the Pax Galactica arrives to declare he comes in peace. What is it with Scott Lobdell and his love of aliens with Roman heritage? Get the fuck over it already, Lobdell. Your scripts are worse than Gene Roddenberry's "allegory" stories from the first generation Star Trek series. Holy shit, Roddenberry was an awful writer!

Straith says, "Needless to say, I come in peace." Is that really a needless thing to say? Seems to me like it's a very important part of the greeting! Especially when you appear out of no air (I can't say 'thin air' since he appears in space, right?) wielding a fiery weapon and a righteous ponytail!

Firstly, I'm pretty sure nobody is saying "moron" in this guy's language on his home planet. Secondly, why is Hector Hammond thinking this at his men AND at the alien? Shouldn't this be a private communication? Thirdly, oh fuck no! The Hector Hammond story is going to be continued for three more issues of Superman?!

Since the alien comes in peace, the first thing he does is try to destroy H.I.V.E.'s space ship. That seems appropriate. Whenever I move to a new neighborhood, I bring cookies to the neighbors and say, "Nice to meet you, neighbor! I hope we can live in peace!" And then I smash the cookies in my neighbor's face and shit in their garden and shoot B.B. guns at their pets. And everybody smiles and nods and says, "That must all be okay since he said he wants to live in peace! What a fantastic guy!"

This might be why Scott Lobdell was able to dialogue an entire comic in one night. Because he gets the first few pages and scripts it as if the alien was friendly. Then the next few art pages come in and show the friendly alien smashing everything to bits. So Lobdell doesn't change anything. He just continues to dialogue it as if it makes sense. "I come in peace! Which is why I must peacefully destroy your weapon of war!"

And take a look at the hilarity present in the following panel. It's truly hard to believe that Scott Lobdell was a struggling stand-up comic.

Ha ha! Look at Hector Hammond act brave but then not be brave! It is funny because it is hypocritical! And because he has a big head!

Meanwhile Clark Kent is out on the town with Cat Grant trying to get some entertainment story on some great director's final film. I thought Clark wasn't going for this stupid website idea? Why would Clark want to work on a blog with a crappy name? Clarkcatropolis.com? It's no Eee!TessAteChaiTea, that's for sure! Here's what doomkopf.com had to say about my blog name: "best blog name ever, btw."

Cat Grant is trying to get an interview with some nobody who is apparently a somebody but the somenobody's agent doesn't want a blogger getting an interview, so she pulls her client away. That's when Clark uses his super powers to advance his and Cat's career by melting the iPads of all the reporters in the room with his Super Vision! This fucker is unethical and dangerous! But that's not the worst part of Scott Lobdell's script! Oh no! DC once again allows Scott Lobdell to invent a "NEW THING" for the DC Universe! Idiots.

I do like that Lobdell uses Superman's sense of smell. I'm always wondering why that doesn't come up more often!

Hey look! There's a new compound in town! INFINITIUM! I'm really fucking surprised it's not OMNITIUM! What could it be? Is it tougher than Inertron? Is it more awesomer than Adamantium?! Is it capable of slicing easily through diamonds with the gentlest of pressures?! I don't know! Let's find out what Lobdell's amazing imagination has in store for us!

Somehow Superman knows that the only Infinitium in this dimension is inside his Fortress of Solitude. Really, Superman? How the fuck do you know that? Have you been everywhere? No? You haven't? Then why make that kind of statement? Oh, because you're being written by Scott Lobdell? Okay, that's understandable.

Superman scans the actor, Harlan Quint, with his non-cancer causing X-ray vision. Or his very lightly radioactive X-ray vision. He notices that Harlan Quint is a fucking robot! But not only is he a robot, he's a robot from both the past and the future! I guess that means he's powered by Infinitium but he's programmed by punch cards.

And then Superman gets a distress call from Hector Hammond. Did they become best friends? I guess we won't know until we've read Superman #22-24! Fuck you, DC! Stop doing that! You know I don't own a time machine! Or, at the very least, you should probably suspect that I don't! Anyway, it seems Superman knows as much as I know! Only Hector Hammond has been through Superman Issues #22-24 already. Superman seems to have even less knowledge than I have after Superman #21, since I know how Hector escaped S.T.A.R. Labs and Superman doesn't.

Stop pouting, Superman, and just help him. Or at least get him back to S.T.A.R. labs! Are you just going to let him claim to be a threat and get away with it?!

Superman goes to investigate Straith who is sitting on the moon fiddling with something. No, not that! This isn't a Teen Plus Rated comic book! When Superman draws near, Straith elbows him in the chin and says, "Do you have an Earth word for 'shut up'?" Um, yeah, dumb dumb! It's shut up!

Of course Straith's blow knocks Superman off the moon and across space. Because Lobdell doesn't really know how to present a challenge to Superman. He just brings in another creature that is really strong and they punch each other in the face a lot. Even when Hector Hammond was supposed to be causing trouble with his mental abilities, it really just came down to Orion and Superman slapping each other.

Speaking of Lobdell's earlier Superman plots, where is Lana Lang, Superman's Mind Zombie?

Oh look! Another threat to the entire Omniverse! I don't think Lobdell is capable of thinking of any other plot device.

Superman claims he has never heard of Pax Galactica. Well that's odd. He knows about every piece of Infinitium in this dimension! That must mean that Pax Galactica are from another dimension. But then why would Straith give a fuck about saving this universe? Because this universe is not a part of his universe if he's from another dimension. That's just the way Stephen Hawking says it works!

Some green female alien named Lourdes stops Superman and Straith from battling each other because they need to be prepared to battle Lexus. You see, Lexus is yet another threat to the universe like none seen before! I bet you the fuck out of everything (whatever that means! If only there were an Earth word for "shut up", I'd tell you that right now!) that Lexus ends up being even dumber than Oracle!

Next, the back-up story about Lara and Jor-el on Krypton continues to suck all over the final eight pages. First, it uses a period in the first Narration Box when it should have used a colon. So that really ruined my mood. Get the fucking punctuation right, DC! Do you need me to send you some colons? Because I will! I'll fill your office with colons of every size and shape! You won't know what hit you, DC! Could this be considered terrorism? Threatening to send colons to DC's offices? I hope so! Fuck you DC and Homeland Security! You're both taking away my freedoms!

I just...I can't even...I have no words. I hate the back-up story. I loathe it! Krypton's military hates knowledge. The leader, The ERADICATOR, wants to make people stupid and run their lives and then destroy them and then...well, I don't know what then. Sit in a corner by himself masturbating to the amount of power he had? I'm truly stupider for having read that crap.

Action Comics Rating: -5 Rankings. Come on, Scott Lobdell! I truly, truly believe in you! I think you can write a decent comic book but you just don't fucking care. You want to be a writer and you want the check. But you don't seem to give a shit about the art! Prove to us that you have it in you! PLEASE! Spend some time crafting a fucking story! Take a few months and give up on "the Marvel Way." Write the script, the page layouts, the dialogue! Form the fucking story before hand. Don't worry about whether you're surprised by the story or not. Worry about surprising (and pleasing!) the readers! Fuck me, Lobdell. I know you have it in you. I know it! Please try. Just fucking try. Don't you long to do something like V for Vendetta! Where's your passion to produce something as revolutionary as The Dark Knight Returns? Be meaningful, you fucking asshole! Please! I'm just so fucking tired of your hackneyed bullshit. I'm willing to fucking believe in you. I know I'm just a shitheel internet nerd. But prove me wrong, you glorious bastard! PROVE ME FUCKING WRONG!

The Phantom Stranger #10

My version of Heaven: All the Oreo cookies I can eat. And every time I eat one, I orgasm. And my seed falls from Heaven like rain, turning into manna to feed the entire world.

If I were following people around saying these kinds of things, I'd be promptly kicked in the nuts and shoved faced first to the ground, handcuffed, beaten some more, and taken away. In my later years, I'd have to voluntarily introduce myself to everybody that lived in my neighborhood and tell them they're not allowed to have children. But instead of any of that happening, YOU FOLLOW ME! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Were you raised by schizophrenic ferrets? That may be redundant.

Usually before just jumping right into reading the comic, I like to say a few words about another subject, usually related to the cover. Often though, I just write about stuff that I was thinking about the previous hour. Anything I was thinking about the previous hour before the previous hour is subsumed and forgotten by whatever random thoughts percolate through my brain in the previous hour. I sometimes think I should hire a scribe just to write down all of the stupid crap I think up. But then I'd have to hire another monkey to go through those ideas and organize them by quality, from "Having Potential" to "Never Show This To Anyone." Luckily the heaven bit got me on a different tangent altogether because I was prepared to talk about my bowel movements.

When we last left the Stranger, he was acting weird. Oh! That would be a good team-up! The Stranger and The Weird! Maybe they could encounter Power Pack or The Teen Titans. And then when the kids need therapy later, they can show The Ventriloquist where they were touched on her Ferdie doll! I think that plot could run at least ten issues! I wonder if I should apply for an editorial job with DC Comics!

Me: "Sorry, Azzarello. You're going to have to rewrite these Wonder Woman scripts. There isn't enough ambiguous sexual encounters between Gods and everything else. If you could get Cliff Chiang to draw Zeus rubbing up against a young man in the park, that'd be great. And have Hera fuck a tree! Just, you know, have her squat over a Redwood or something."
Brian Azzarello: "Could I maybe switch Zeus and Hera about for those bits?"
Me: "Genius! That's why you're the writer and I'm the guy who tells you if you need to rewrite what you've written!"

See? I could do it! I just got along perfectly well with Brian Azzarello in my fantasy and he's the hardest writer to get along with in my fantasies! I have no idea what he's like in person. He might really be Warren Ellis or Alan Moore. What's with all that fucking facial hair? Are they the reason Grant Morrison's entire body is completely shaved? To differentiate between them at conventions? It would help me because as soon as I hear an accent, I'm like, "Peter Milligan? Is that you!" And then they have to explain who they are.

I know Azzarello is from Cleveland! That's the thickest accent of them all!

Shit! I can't believe I derailed myself after one fucking sentence about the comic book! Maybe if I begin with a scan!

I think I use too many exclamation points. I'm glad they're free.

Heaven has no wheelchair access. You're in a wheelchair? You go to hell!

That last line in the caption was, of course, stolen from Bill Cosby when he's telling the story about dying while trying to drive a stick shift in San Francisco.

Bill Cosby: "Me and a Volkswagen drifted backwards into the bay."
Saint Peter: "You go to hell!"

I never could figure out why that was such a major sin. I think Saint Peter was just a fucking dick. But maybe I was just a stupid kid since I didn't understand the double entendre but still always giggled madly at Steve Martin saying, "My girlfriend has the best pussy!"

The Phantom Stranger reaches Heaven which simply looks like somebody built some condominiums right up to the edge of Golden Gate Park. He notices a door for every person who arrives which makes sense because if Heaven is like Hell, then everyone has their own version of it. But that whole idea is actually pretty creepy. Because a mother may want to be reunited with her child but the child might not want to be reunited with the mother! So the child's heaven won't have her in it nor should he be forced to be in hers. But her heaven has the child in it, so that's fucking weird. Because that kid is a simulacrum! It's not really the real essence of her child! Unless it is! I mean, if we're going to begin believing metaphysical bullshit, then I guess we get to believe whatever we want. Because as soon as somebody says they believe something by faith, then you have to shut the fuck up and stop arguing with them or else you're being an insensitive twat and there is nothing worse in the Modern Age than being accused of being an insensitive twat. Well, maybe a pedophile. That's pretty bad. Or a liberal.

The Phantom Stranger finally puts two and two together which you wouldn't think would take that long being that two plus two is practically the easiest addition equation you can get!

Here we see The Phantom Stranger quoting his character from Jesus Christ Superstar. "God, I'll never know why! You have murdered me! Murdered me! MURDERED ME!"

Dog gets a bit pissed off when The Stranger questions his motives and actions. Fucking Dog. He gives everybody free will and then gets super pissed off and churlish whenever one of his creations doesn't act appropriately. Why does anybody worship Him?

Dog: "You are free to do anything you want except eat this fruit!"
Adam and Eve: "We're going to eat this fruit!"
Dog: "Not that! Didn't I just mention anything but that? Well, if you won't follow My rules, you'll have to leave My house. Get out. And don't think about coming back because I've set up this baby with this flaming sword to keep you out!"
Cain: "I think I'll kill my brother!"
Dog: "You know what? You're really pushing the boundaries of my free will clause, right?"
Everybody but Noah: "Let's get drunk and fuck angels!"
Dog: "That's it! Everybody into the pool! Drown, angel fuckers! Drown!"
Noah: "I'm going to get drunk and take off my pants!"
Dog: "Sheesh. And you were the best of the bunch?"

Later Dog just gave up and sent His only begotten Puppy to die for mankind's sins because mankind was sinning all over the fucking place and they didn't seem to give a shit about repenting those sins. So now Dog somehow accepts that, through His Puppy, all people are saved. But they have to actually state that they accept Dog's Puppy as their Lord and Saviour, or else the sin transfer won't take.

Dog lets The Stranger know that he can only bring back one soul from Heaven and I bet I know which soul he's going to choose. Jesus's! Ha ha. That's what I'd do! No, no. He's probably going to bring back the babysitter. Because his family should have been dead many years ago and the babysitter is the only one that died directly because of The Stranger's actions.

Dog has other Questions to attend to, so he leaves The Stranger in Zauriel's hands. Zauriel is an angel, just in case you couldn't tell by the name. At least he's a full grown angel and not one of those creepy Cherubim.

Is that why the Demons are always trying to advance in rank through rhyme? To emulate the Heavenly Host? Or are they...GASP...one and the same!

That guy is the babysitter. He's going to be Zauriel's sidekick on the hunt for The Phantom Stranger's family. During that time, he'll probably guilt The Stranger into bringing him back. Also, The Stranger's family will probably be very happy where they're at. So The Stranger's decision to bring back the Babysitter will end up being the only logical choice.

When The Stranger finds his family, he sees Philip J. Stark sitting with them. And The Stranger flips the fuck out. Because The Stranger still can't add two plus two! I already explained it earlier about the simulacrums! Why wasn't he listening to me? It's like I'm farting in a jar of piss! Is that the saying? The one about people not listening to you? I bet it's a saying in the South! In the South, you can string just about any words together you want and it becomes an exclamation of surprise or approval.

Meanwhile The Question is trying to get Terrence Thirteen to ask the ultimate question. You know the one. Hamlet asked it. Which is appropriate since The Stranger is up in heaven Othelloing it up because he loved too well.

See? Too well!

The Stranger decides to cheat and goes Full Kaiju on Zauriel's ass. He decides to take them all back and let no Dog stop him!

And no Dog does stop him.

It's an old story told by a jerko, full of love and redemption, signifying whatever I fucking tell you it signifies. Anyway, it was an old enough tale that I knew where it was going from the beginning. Remember?! Go reread that part where I said that stuff about how the story was going to go! Oh, you knew it too, hunh? Yeah, well, you didn't write a blog about it!

The Phantom Stranger also realizes that his whole life has been a charade which is something else I told him way back in Issue #1. I think. Anyway, he's finally learning to add! He chooses the babysitter just like the Dog (and I!) knew he would! For all the same reasons I said earlier so I don't need to repeat them here just to confirm it. It was pretty obvious! It was especially obvious when the Babysitter made his first appearance but I'd already guessed it before then. I guessed it before I read Phantom Stranger #0 even! Which is pretty good since J.M. DeMatteis wasn't even writing the comic yet!

The issue ends with the Babysitter trying to comfort The Stranger back in The Stranger's old home on Earth. It's all touching and crap.

The Phantom Stranger #10 Rating: +3 Ranking. I'm ranking it that highly because it agreed with me. Kudos, comic book! You are so smart!

Detective Comics #22

Is this a What If Batman Were Created in the 90s and Loved to Kill story?!

I wish Rob Liefeld would come back and do some more work for DC Comics. That guy sucks. And when I say that Rob Liefeld sucks, I'm acknowledging that he made a lot of money doing a piss poor job at drawing and creating bland character after bland character. Mostly, I suppose, because comic book fans are less than discriminating. He and Jim Lee and Todd McFarlane and Whilce Portacio obviously tapped into some kind of 90s Zeitgeist that I didn't have the processing power to comprehend. Perhaps because I wasn't reading Marvel, I didn't have the opportunity to be excited by their overly cross-hatched faces and poorly rendered anatomy. Oh, and don't think I loved the majority of the 80s comic book style! Some of that shit stank bad. In theory, I absolutely understand why their style took hold of fan's imaginations. But I looked at Youngblood #1 on the shelves and thought, "Utter garbage." So I hated Rob Liefeld before it was cool to hate Rob Liefeld! What I'm saying is that he's objectively not good at drawing. Back when he was drawing Deathstroke, I could go panel by panel pointing out how ridiculous most of it was. And I challenged Liefeld fans to do the same but pointing out what was good about his art. Nobody accepted. Sure, nobody was probably reading! But don't let that get in the way of my keen observations.

But here's the thing about Rob: his art made for great commentary! And I have nothing against him personally! I'd probably have a good time hanging out with Rob Liefeld and Scott Lobdell as long as nobody told them what I'd said about them and we didn't talk comics! I also think people focus too much on Rob's inability to draw feet. That's one part of his art I understand because he stylizes them pretty much the same way all the time. Consistency like that should be regarded as style. Even his rectangular guns are stylized. It's his inconsistency with detail, poses, perspective, and anatomy that makes him a terrible artist. Unless you want to think of every character standing like a rigid action figure as consistency!

I almost forgot why I was talking about Rob Liefeld and then I glanced back at the cover and Batman's pouches. One last thing before I read Detective Comics: I'd like to say, "Good job, Liefeld." I don't think you should worry about ever drawing or writing something that will stand the test of time. But you don't need to. You helped shake up comics and knock a lot of the corporate bastards back a few steps. Although you and your cronies who decided artists should have full writing control of their comic which drove Claremont from X-men is a good reason why I'm now reading fucking Scott Lobdell's scripts. So I take back the "good job" and replace it with a "Thanks a fucking lot!"

Batman is causing trouble again.

According to Officer Wallace, Batman just gunned down two police officers and then attacked him and his partner. Are there any sympathetic police officers in Gotham who hate Batman? Because Wallace has a point although he's being overly hyperbolic and making use of outright fabrications. Batman is a menace! Not so much as Batman but as Bruce Wayne. A one man rise in inflation, homelessness, cost of living, and STDs. I wonder if Alfred has ever tried to talk Batman into losing the Bruce Wayne persona. "But sir, I'm tired of defending you at my weekly pinochle games. 'How can you butler for that womanizing narcissist?' 'You can tell me, Alfred. Does the man beat you? Why all the bruises?' It's getting so that a butler can't get his dick dirty anymore. But if you lose the Bruce Wayne persona, I can come out of the Batcloset! I can tell everyone that I'm Batman's butler! I know I shouldn't, sir, but I do crave the respect and admiration of my peers."

Jim Gordon straightens Officer Wallace out because Jim Gordon has an average sized boner for Batman. At least that's what all the Batman hating Gotham Police Officers say behind his back. I would never say that. I would say Gordon has a healthy respect for the job that Batman performs for Gotham. Gordon believes a cop killer is loose in Gotham! Is that supposed to be a fucking surprise? The real question is how MANY cop killers are loose in Gotham.

I bet the Cop Killer is the 90s Batman on the cover! Genius here!

But the Cop Killer isn't the only person troubling Batman.

Surely they couldn't be the same person!

It seems too obvious for the Cop Killer and E.D. Caldwell to be the same person. Perhaps they're just two new adversaries for Batman and Bruce Wayne and their stories will parallel each other, Bruce handling one and Batman handling the other. And I bet Caldwell's butler is an undignified rapscallion that enjoys pulling pranks on people and that he will be Alfred's nemesis.

On third thought, maybe they are setting Caldwell up to be the Cop Killer. And Alfred does have a nemesis!

It's time for another version of What Could Batman Have Become?! This time the starring role will be played by E.D. Caldwell. I think that name is a code! If you replace each letter with the letter that comes before it in the alphabet, you get D.C. Bzkcvdkk! Hmm, maybe I got something wrong.

The mirror version of Batman has been taking people from prison and turning them into super villains with high tech weaponry. If only Batman knew somebody in Gotham that makes high tech weaponry! Besides Bruce Wayne, of course. And Bruce Wayne specializes in non-lethal technology anyway. So it's probably somebody else. He sends the newly freed villains into Gotham to exact revenge on the police that ruined their lives. Because it's not the actions of the person that make a person's life; it's the reactions of the people toward the person's actions!

A couple more police officers die but that's nothing new to Gotham. I think they have an endless supply from somewhere. Probably clone technology. Although the cops that believe in Batman, Strode and Melendez, almost die as well. But they're saved by E.D. Caldwell defensive technology! Hmm, that's suspicious! Follow the money! No, not Bruce Wayne's money! The money being made by selling cops the only technology that can save their lives from the new high tech weaponry being seen on the streets!

Sometimes I feel like nobody listens to Coast to Coast AM Radio seriously anymore. Other times, I feel like Ann Nocenti who always writes to the stupidest person in her audience.

And other times I'm writing jokes to myself! Hell, half the time I'm writing jokes to only the current version of myself that is writing the joke! Sometimes I reread my commentaries and I can't even figure out what the fuck I was talking about.

Batman catches the Cop Killer's new puppet, Scorn, but Scorn gets away when a Spaceship attacks him. But Batman is a fucking detective and he's trained to find clues!

The World's Greatest Detective at work! What a genius!

This all seems too easy! Maybe the real enemy is Bruce Wayne and he's trying to discredit his competition. And while he's at it, he's making worse neighborhoods where cops are being killed which people will want to quickly move out of, thus selling their property for below its value!

Whoever the Mirror Batman is, he may or may not be going by the name Wrath. It's possible he's going by Vengeance. Or maybe Umbrage. Could be Vexation? Perhaps Minor Annoyance! Also, he's no longer partnered up with Scorn since Scorn had that accidental accident where he accidentally fell to his accidental death.

The back-up story is once again about Man-bat and Kirk Langstrom and the mystery of the itinerant corpses. Well, they were itinerant before they were corpses and then became corpses because they had no shelter and were in Gotham and were killed by a giant bat. Or was it a Man-Bat! No, it wasn't that either. It was a Vampire Woman-bat, Kirk's wife Francine!

Detective Comics #22 Rating: No change. This Wrath guy seems to enjoy taking care of Gotham just like Batman. Maybe Batman should just let him do his thing! He's making lots of money and helping out the community and creating lots of weapons of war. Okay, maybe that last part isn't a very nice thing to do. And Gotham could probably do without the cop killing. So, hmm, maybe Batman should stop him. But the main reason I think Batman should stop him is because he's too much like a 90s Superhero and those were the worst superheroes of them all! They were even worse than Superman in the sixties!

Swamp Thing #22

Swamp Thing is acting less dramatic than me when around smokers.

The worst thing about smokers is when they light up a cigarette while walking down the sidewalk. You do realize I don't want to choke on that shit while walking behind you, right? Fucking have some respect for your fellow Earthlings, Lung Monkey! Mostly I don't give a shit, especially since smokers have been marginalized and I don't have to deal with it anymore. It's disgusting and nobody should do it in public! Especially since I can't masturbate in public. If I can't enjoy my vice in public, you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy yours! Even if masturbation would be allowed in public, I'd have the common decency not to do it while walking in front of someone and spraying them in the face as the wind catches my seed like wiper fluid flying back over onto the car behind.

Hey! This comic book has a Teen Plus Rating! That means the commentary has to be Teen Plus enough to attract the cool kids! And cool kids love masturbation stories!

Hmm. Who else can I piss off by saying I hate a group they fit into? How about Mexicans?! Man, I can't stand how they live in Mexico and speak Spanish. It's so annoying when I go to a Mexican restaurant and half my dinner plate is covered in rice and beans! It's like, what do they expect? To actually fill me up by paying a reasonable amount while listening to jaunty music? And what's with the salsa and jalapenos? Stop serving me such delicious stuff, you generally shorter than the average American fuckers! Could you at least stop deep frying your tortilla chips? Because you're making me fatter than I find comfortable!

But just when I'm stuffed and slightly drunk on margaritas and fuming and ready to let loose with a slew of racial epithets, I'm served fried ice cream. Holy fuck! How do you do that?! What kind of Central American Magic did you bring with you to this country?! Oh, you know I can't stay filled with false hatred for you!

Wow, that was awful of me. I just reduced a whole culture to the Americanized version of their restaurants. Go ahead. The "Unfollow" button is right up there in the corner. I deserve it. There are just some things you shouldn't be flippant about. And Mexican food is one of them.

So, who's left that wants to hear about Swamp Thing? Hands?

Hey now. You watch it in public, Mister.

This Seeder guy is causing trouble in Scotland by making the land work for the people. But Swamp Thing knows that's not the way it works. You can't force the Earth to do your bidding. You have to talk sweetly to it and stroke it and caress it and fertilize it and hope that it wants to produce some delicious, edible offspring with you. You can't just shove the same seeds in the same holes year after year and expect the land to keep performing. You'll end up ruining the soil so that nothing will grow and you'll have to move to California. But The Seeder plants a magic seed which pulls The Green's resources from where it's needed across the globe to places that The Green has abandoned for its own reasons.

The Seeder also uses magic shortcuts because the seed he plants grows a whisky tree and I'm almost certain that Whisky Trees went extinct ages ago.

One famous monster? Is he talking about Grant Morrison?

The Scots are thoroughly enjoying their free whisky. I know what you're doing, comic book. You're trying to get me to indulge in more racial stereotyping, aren't you? Well, I'm not going to do it! I already feel like I went too far earlier even though I was just being silly. But we know how people are, Comic Book. They've got their "serious eyes" on at all times, watching and waiting to see if somebody acts insensitive so they can point out what a bastard that person is and how intelligently sensitive they are for noticing. So if you think I'm going to make a joke that might point out that a certain group of people are alleged to enjoy the occasional fermented beverage, you've got another think coming! How about we just change the subject and take a look at Swamp Thing's plan to infiltrate the drunken festivities.

It's like having Jesus enter you in front of the whole congregation!

Now I want a Whisky Tree. I ate a plum yesterday. I grew up with a plum tree in the backyard. I would eat them right off the tree and then rinse myself off with the hose. But that was nothing compared to my neighbor's Loquat Tree. Oh man do I miss Loquats. I would climb his tree and stuff my face with Loquats. And I'd save the pits which were smooth and shaped like Milk Duds. I forget what I did with the pits. I probably gave them all names and played with them. Those are the kinds of things you have to do when the best gaming console on the market was the Atari 2600! It practically forced you to go outside and invent your own stupid games!

But this is why I really want a Whisky Tree!

Inhibitions? What are those?

And then John Constantine arrives to call The Swamp Thing a Christmas Tree. It's not entirely inaccurate. And the pine cones Swamp Thing picked up kind of resemble ornaments. But before they can have a rational discussion about what's happening, The Swamp Thing attacks Constantine. But that's because The Seeder is fucking with him and feeding him paranoid delusions with his magical Fuck The Green Power.

While John and Swamp Thing discuss how to deal with the tree, the revelers go from merry to maudlin to murderous. I think the Whisky might have gone bad. Can whisky go bad? I know it's already gone bad which is why it's good. But what about whisky plucked from a tree like a fruit? Can that ferment and become Super Whisky?

I should comment on the bloody spectacle happening at the revelry because I love The Swamp Thing for being a horror comic book and I don't want to simply pass up the horrific moments with a few offhand remarks. The conflict takes a typical drunken conflict where somebody might get a tooth knocked out and immediately escalates it into a skull crushing, boot stomping gore fest. And all the other sots watch with glee as a man is murdered. It's mostly disturbing in how quickly the conflict turns from a bunch of guys laughing it off to a bunch of maniacs full of bloodlust.

Suddenly I don't want a Whisky Tree. I don't even want a Loquat Tree anymore.

Constantine tries to convince Swamp Thing to leave the people be but when Swamp Thing refuses, Constantine reveals that he's already under the influence. He works his hoodoo and cuts Swamp Thing off from the Green so that the big green guy can't destroy the Whisky Tree. And he's lost quite a bit of his power. John orders the rest of the town to destroy The Swamp Thing and they get to trimming the tree.

Swamp Thing #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. Charles Soule has a bit of a carefree take on The Swamp Thing which I really like and find refreshing. And I can't get enough of the plants treating him like a rock star. Well, I suppose eventually I'll get enough of that. But I like it so far! And Constantine turning into an actual threat that Swamp Thing is going to have to deal with is a nice touch. I thought maybe this would be a short story with The Swamp Thing defeating The Seeder at the end but it looks like The Seeder is going to be Swamp Thing's Arch-nemesis for the long haul. He'll defeat Constantine and then probably have to head back to deal with Cappucino before heading off on another quest to stop The Seeder.

Dial H #14

This Issue: Nelson uses the Dial to become The Remover of Obstacles and defeats The Human Centipede on Frog World.

I think this comic is going to end next month. And I hope China Mieville plans to cliffhanger the fuck out of it. I don't want any nicely wrapped up story here! This book is too good to tie a bow on and hope the characters will return in some shape or form in DC's future. This thing needs to end in the middle of some serious fucking chaos. China needs to full blown Twin Peaks this shit! Do not go gently into cancellation, China! Fuck DC! I don't care if this comic book was losing money. As a company, you don't kill a comic that fans can point to and say, "See? DC isn't all about Scott Lobdell's jizz splashed across twenty pages (not counting ads)!"

Wow. If you could only see the fireworks going off in my brain and all the different things I wanted to start saying about Scott Lobdell, you'd cheer and applaud and think the country just celebrated another birthday already. But I don't want to get sidetracked talking about the luckiest mother fucker to work in comic books. ((The previous open parantheses (the one before the last one) indicates whispering!) he's lucky because he's talentless and has had a really long career!) I wonder if I really should have ended a whispered sentence with an explanation point?

The Frogs of Frog World look a tad bit different than on the cover. It's understandable. Brian Bolland is probably one of those cover artists that nobody dares to give art direction. "Shhh! Don't bother him! He's channeling genius!"

Nelson and Dwan have helped the Frog People by killing a Giant Fly that probably eats frogs. It also seems to have killed my favorite character in the Dial Bunch, Ejad the Robot Dandy. Stupid China Mieville! I'm glad your stupid comic book is getting cancelled! I'm going to write a letter threatening your life just like rabid fans did back in the seventies when Peter Parker's girlfriend Gwen "two first names" Stacy was killed! And Ejad was a much better character! You might agree with me if I let you read all of my Ejad fan-fic I wrote last month!

Now that Ejad is dead, my favorite character in the book is the Frog Kid.

The Dial Bunch are on the trail of The Fixer but it's slow going because they haven't been able to repair the Jump Dial. So they're just following whatever leads they can and, apparently, losing their best members through carelessness and horrible writing and stupid authors who can't see when they've struck gold with a character! If that monster China can kill a sweet, witty, sexpot of a robot like Ejad, who isn't he willing to kill? I bet the Dial Bunch land on a world filled with slaughtered kittens next!

See?! He's a fucking monster! I just declared Frog Kid my new favorite Dial H character and you foreshadow this shit?! China, did you make a bet with someone that you could become more despised than Scott Lobdell? You better get your act together, sir!

Why does the Frog Kid have mammaries? Frogs aren't mammals! Hey, Jim Shooter, what do you have to say about that?

Jim Shooter: "Fucking artists! Can't they do a little GD research once in awhile? They're all so lazy. This one time, I was writing a story about the Legion of Super-heroes. I was just fifteen but I was writing for DC, so that meant I was writing stories at least two or three years more mature than the other writer's stories. Anyway, I told the artist, "Look! Night Girl and Shadow Lass are fighting in the dark. I want five pages of black panels!" And what does the artist do? FIVE SLIGHTLY OFF-BLACK SPLASH PAGES! Can we get some panel breaks to support the flow of dialogue?! And what's with the off-black?! I said black, you moron! Ugh. What was that you were saying about frogs and titties?"

Thanks, Uncle Jim! You should guest star on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm sometime! I sense a little chemistry there!

So the Dial Bunch head through a portal to another world. But before we leave Frog World and Ejad's body behind, I want to show you a drawing from one of my fan-fic's starring him! As a memorial!

Spoiler Warning: He touches it! He also snakes it. With his penis.

After the Dial Bunch leave Frog World, they end up in a world flooded by The Fixer and The Human Centipede (probably. I'm making assumptions! Because I like making an "ass" out of "u" and "mptions"!). A tidal wave is about to overwhelm the building they're on, so they Dial a portal to a new world. But only half of them escape! Yabaa, Nem, and Unbled don't make it. And then on the new world, Nelson, Roxie, Open-Window Man, Bansa, and Dwan are attacked by living weapons of war. Nelson turns into Moon Monkey and Roxie turns into Pipe Cleaner to defend themselves.

Except what good is a Pipe Cleaner? My cat defeats two or three of those every day. The Dial Bunch are captured so that the Weapons of War can question them by giving them as much information as they can. The Weapons of War aren't very good at the interrogating prisoners part of war.

Next there's a near prison break-out and then a zombie apocalypse and then an invader from another world. I guess China wanted the readers to realize that a great load of shit was about to hit a great number of fans. Hey! That's what happens every month that Teen Titans hits the newstands!

The cosmic invader is "O", the Great and Powerful. "O" probably stands for "operator" and not that other "O" word that everybody thinks of when they hear "O" because it's so much better. No, not Oprah, you jerk.

Holy shit! There's an Apocalypse Dial?! Shit is fucked up.

For the time being, everybody is safe because "O" lost his connection and his apocalypses disappeared. But he's probably busy dialing up a Plague of Toads in Frog World! My poor Frog Kid is going to die from warts!

Luckily for everybody, the Weapons of War, having some experience with the Dials in the Great Exchange Rate War, fixed the Jump Dial. Now this half of the Dial Bunch use it to head to the Exchange and finally put an end to this chaos.

When they arrive at The Exchange, they're greeted by smoke, ruins, and The Human Centipede. He's got some things to say. But not until next issue.

Dial H #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let me put the pieces together now and explain what's going on. A long time ago, there was a War of the Dials. They called them the Dial Wars. The President of The Exchange, "O", sold shares of super powers to various people on various planets. But when it was discovered those shares weren't shares at all but steals, the people asked for their money back. But "O" didn't want to give them any money back and instead decided to show those uppity customers some what for. So "O" decided to Strike Back and she sent her Dial Agents in to collect some bills. Nobody wanted to pay, so there was War. Destruction ravaged much of the universe and "O" lost a lot of power and money. So now "O" is going down her database of customers and dialing an Apocalypse for each of them because The Exchange has really, really poor customer service protocols. But "O" didn't expect the Return of the Dial Bunch! And "O"'s little sidekick, The Human Centipede, looks like he may have had a change of heart when he realized his girlfriend was out to destroy the universe, one apocalypse at a time. Later, we'll get some prequels and some cartoons and maybe a Holiday Special too. I'm looking forward to it!