Worlds' Finest #7

This comic has more super suits unraveling than the rest of The New 52 put together.

The scene where The Huntress tells Robin all about Earth 2 and how beautiful and talented her mother was and how stubborn and intelligent her father was and how Robin is kind of like the half-other-worldly brother she never had happens between issue six and issue seven. That's a scene I wouldn't have minded wasting a few pages on but I guess Levitz figured it was superfluous. The readers have heard her story so they don't need to hear it again. Although we haven't gotten to see Damian's reaction to it. This is the only reaction we get to see before they're back on a new adventure to find the person stealing Bruce Wayne's money:

I think they're grasping hands in a friendly, intimate way here. Unless Damian is simply attacking her again.

Power Girl leaves The Huntress and Robin in Skyrim to investigate one digital trail left by the thief while she heads to the Congo to investigate a second trail. Power Girl finds the satellite dish used in the high tech bank robbery. She also finds it guarded by some of Batwing's old friends.

I'm using "old" incorrectly here.

One of these kids has Apokolyptian technology and he blasts Power Girl in the cleavage with it. I have a strong feeling the Boob Window will be back after a short interlude in Skyrim as Robin and The Huntress fight a pack of wolves.

Power Girl's suit actually remains intact this issue although I am only halfway through. The children defending their satellite dish get swept up in a Boom Tube leaving Power Girl with only one of their Apokolyptian guns as evidence of something menacing going on.

Back in Skyrim, The Huntress and Robin end up battling a Companion after The Huntress downloads all of the information they need from the werewolf's satellite dish.

I imagine people who know Apokolips or the New Gods better recognize this creature's belt and just ruined their underwear.

After the creature is defeated (and possibly killed? Did that bolt go through the heart?), it disappears, leaving its tattered clothing behind. Robin decides that Batman needs to be told about this. But he agrees to keep The Huntress a secret as he stops referring to her as "thief" and calls her sister.

Worlds' Finest #7 Rating: No change. It looks like whatever came over from Earth 2 with Power Girl and The Huntress decided to steal from Wayne too. And I guess it's been five years since it came over, so it seems to have gathered a small army of African children, radiation eating monsters, and werewolves. Plus with all of the Boom Tubing going on, has the mystery person contacted the Apokolips of this universe or did it just come over with it? I'm pretty sure a Boom Tube was how everyone came to Earth 1 (is this Earth 1?) from Earth 2 anyway since Power Girl mentions never wanting to be sucked into one of those again in this issue. Overall, the art was adequate and the story felt like an interlude.

Aquaman #14

Those sharks Aquaman used against their will in Justice League are back for revenge.

Do I ignore the elephant with the gun in the room simply so I can crack jokes at Aquaman's expense? Do I feign shock and surprise that, once again, a single person cut short the lives of nearly thirty people in the matter of minutes? People are going to argue for and against gun control one more time and it'll all be for naught because nothing will change. As long as people fear dying, they will stand adamantly on one side of the argument or the other. Because people afraid of guns want less of them out there. And the other people afraid of people want more guns out there. Let's just get one thing straight before I call Aquaman a stupid cunt: gun advocates need to embrace these dead children as one of the prices to be paid for the illusion of safety the gun they wield gives them. These children died for your right to bear arms. That is the price of the Second Amendment.

For my part, I think that price is a bit high just so a bunch of fearful people can feel safer.

In Drivers Education in high school, people used to have to sit through that film "Blood on the Highways" or whatever it was called. They had to see graphic images of the dangers of driving a car. Maybe we should institute the same policy with guns. People should have to look at image after image of the aftermath of gun violence.

I also think that meat eaters should have to kill one of their favorite animals at least once each year to understand the true cost of the meat they enjoy. So, take my fucking opinions for what they're worth (gold and diamonds, probably!).

And now my Aquaman Commentary is filled with depressing and polarizing gun talk! Thanks a lot, Connecticut Shooter! You ruin everything. Anyway, Aquaman is waiting for me to kick him in the crotch, so I'd better oblige him!

Look at this smug and arrogant bastard. These poor sea creatures simply want to be left alone.

The issue begins in 1820 where a story very similar to Arthur's rivalry with Black Manta is playing out. An Atlantean and a captain of a ship have been battling one another in an escalating conflict based on a seeming misunderstanding. Well, the captain did kill this Atlantean's wife. I guess that's not much of a misunderstanding. But he was trying to save her when he found her attacked by a shark. I'm sure after he saved her he probably would have done other unspeakable things to her like denying her the right to have a semi-automatic weapon. So she killed a bunch of his sailors before that could happen. And then he killed her because you can't have someone just going around killing your sailors. Then the Atlantean took the captain's eye. So the Captain hunted down the Atlantean to take his eyes! And then things really got out of control and it was army against army and, well, then the comic book returned to the present where Aquaman was mind-fucking his sea friends.

What Aquaman was really doing was sending them to his brother Orm to set up a meeting.

I should also point out that a faction in Atlantis believes that the "boy born with purple eyes" will somehow be the end of Atlantis. That's Garth! You know, Aqualad! I would have thought the legend would have said "the boy born with the pathetic afro" but that's just me.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Amanda Waller has sent an associate to visit Black Manta with an offer to join the Suicide Squad. Little does she know he's already got plans in motion for the Legion of Doom!

Just like I mentioned last commentary. Black Manta's ultimate goal seems to be to die at Aquaman's hands. Weirdo.

Aquaman's talk with his brother seems to go smoothly. Orm tells Aquaman he didn't hire Black Manta and he isn't planning on attacking the surface world. And since he's promising he isn't lying, that's that! One weird thing about the meeting is that Orm is constantly in shadow as if the creative team is trying to keep his look secret for some big reveal. But he's right there on the cover! So there's nothing mysterious going on with the art here. It's just kind of annoying.

Orm retells the story of his and Aquaman's great, great grandparents killed by the captain of the sunken ship they're meeting within. The Atlaneans sunk the ship but didn't kill the sailors. They let them drown. Then they took the captain to shore when he was about to drown. But he demanded to be taken back into the ocean.

Well, that subtle threat settles that! Everything is good between the surface world and the underwater kingdom!

The issue ends with whoever stole the Scepter of Kings freeing the cannibalistic fish people from The Trench. The thief is never shown but he's about to cause some kind of trouble because the Throne of Atlantis crossover with Justice League begins next month! Or this month, technically, since I'm two weeks behind.

Aquaman #14 Rating: No change. I think I forgot to make fun of Aquaman!

Red Lanterns #14

SRSLY. Why can't the 3rd Army of Borg Lanterns look this good in Green Lantern. They're fucking joke pumpkin clown monsters in that one.

Last issue Atrocitus learned about the Borg Lanterns and then immediately realized how to defeat them because he is the baddest mother fucker in the DCnU. In that same time, he trained Kyle Rayner to be an asshole and I think he fucked Carol Ferris in the mouth. That's okay because she fucked him all over his face in reciprocation. No inappropriate unwanted touching in the DCnU! Besides, we all know that Hal Jordan isn't a real man. And by that I mean he's not a real man. He has no genitals. Have you seen him in his skin tight costume? There's nothing fucking there!

Hmm, by that logic, no guy in the DCnU is actually a guy. Do any of them have noticeable genitals through there clothing? This reminds me of a quote by Richard F. Burton, the explorer/adventurer/translator, not the guy married to that famous lady. The one with the perfume and the attitude. Okay, here's the quote:

In the East, where Common Sense, not Fashion, rules dress, men, who have a protuberance to be concealed, wear petticoats and women wear trousers.

Richard F. Burton was a genius at observation, was he not? If you want to learn more because knowing is half the battle (the other half of the battle is kissing and hugging), you should follow my other Tumblr: The Grand Afterlife of Richard F Burton.

As this issue commences (look at me getting fancy!), The Red Lanterns are still fighting the stupid as all get out Borg Lanterns. I thought Atrocitus's knowledge on how to kill the Borg Lanterns was a mystery but apparently it was just me being dense.

Oh, the eye thing. Yeah, I knew that!

Why is Rankorr being such a pussified Red Lantern? Shouldn't he be all angsty and fucking upset? No, no. Forget I asked that. I know exactly why he somehow maintains this veneer of empathy: he was a Literature Major in college. I get it. I've got the same fucking degree. I'd probably be a huge whiny Red Lantern as well. "Oh no! I can't HURT another living CREATURE!? The universe is so oppressive! The only hope is to escape from it! Keep moving west! Throw the water heater through the window and run across the green grass where you watched the dog get hit by the truck on the road beyond! Keep crashing your bomber and insist that everyone fly with you because you're practicing your escape plan! Fight against the system's inflexible racism and class structure by running from the law and being wherever babies cry and men are fighting for a decent wage and women are crushed under the weight of the patriarchal system! But don't turn into the thing they want you to be! And don't turn into the thing they don't want you to be! Escaping the fucking system is the only way to keep your sanity and retain who you really are!"

So yeah. I'd suck as a Red Lantern. Which is why I totally get where Rankorr is coming from!

Well if you put it that way! Fuck the fucking liars! Right in their fucking eyes!

I say "fuck" a lot in this blog, don't I? It doesn't fucking bother me. Words are words. The only reason one word offends the sensibilities is because the person offended has bought into an arbitrary system that doesn't mean shit. If I say "cunt" in front of your four year old, it doesn't fucking do anything. Although if you yell at me and scream, "How dare you say that word in front of my child?", guess what? Now your daughter knows "cunt" is a forbidden word! You would have done well to just ignore it, dipshit.

I only use that example because I did say "cunt" multiple times in front of a small boy of about five or six when I was at the post office a few years ago. The mother behind me let her boy walk around me and touch my legs while I was at the counter having a package delivered. So I just looked down at him and began whispering, "Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt." The mother quickly reined in her child and got him out of my personal space. She didn't freak out at me because she was probably an intelligent person realizing she should have never let her kid wander freely into my space like that. If she wanted him to hang out with me, he was going to learn some of my values! And swearing don't mean shit to me!

Another time at the Seattle Zoo, I was sitting at a bench talking with some friends when someone's kid wandered up and touched my leg. I began screaming like I was mentally disabled. The child smiled and laughed but the mother quickly ran over and grabbed her kid, pulling him away from me while mumbling something under her breath. I can pretend she was saying, "Sorry," but she was probably saying, "Stop screaming, you stupid wanking shitheel."

You know what I resent most about being born? The fact that everyone expects you to line up and act appropriately in this supposedly "social" environment. People bitch about being oppressed but the majority of people still think you should suck it up and act "correctly" in this society. Fuck you, asshole! I didn't ask to be born into this set of arbitrary rules! Don't expect me to get good grades (unless I want to or it comes easy to me), go to college (at least not for your reasons of finding a career!), get married (who needs the government or religion to sanctify my relationship?), have kids (who fucking needs the ankle-biting, nose-mining rugrats?), and work my ass off for forty years simply to not "rock the fucking boat filled with cunts"!

You know, on second thought, maybe I would make a good Red Lantern!

The Red Lanterns are the first group of Lanterns to be successful against the Borg Lanterns. Their lava vomit burns away the eyes of the creatures and destroys them. Bleez, Atrocitus, and Rankorr gather up a dead Borg Lantern to dissect later and head back to Sector 666.

Back on Ysmault, Atrocitus realizes the first order of business is to strengthen their newly created Red Lantern Battery. To do this, he sends everyone out on missions to gather up the blood of the universe's most guilty assholes. He also sends Rankorr to Earth to finally kill the motherfucker that killed his grandfather and made him angry enough to become a Red Lantern. Bleez is told to accompany him. One other Red Lantern wants to go to Earth as well.

Is this really becoming a rivalry? Dex Starr versus Midnighter? Fuck you, Peter Milligan! Don't make me tell you I love you!

Dex Starr follows Rankorr and Bleez to Earth but he takes a detour into Hyperspace as they get closer. I'm so happy that Peter Milligan is writing both Red Lanterns and Stormwatch right now. I hope the next time Dex Starr appears, it takes up a full issue of Stormwatch as the cat fights the bad-ass!

Rankorr and Bleez finally arrive at Earth but it seems much different to Rankorr as a Red Lantern.

Anyone who never left their home town to live somewhere else has no idea how weird it is to return to the place you grew up. I always listen to this song whenever I end up back in Santa Clara.

Interlude: I know a lot of people who read my blog don't read the entire thing. They read about the comic books they're interested in and skip the rest. As a writer, I'm a bit disappointed that people don't read every fucking word I put down. This isn't a review. This is barely commentary on Red Lanterns. This is a fucking memoir exposed in scattered moments set in the backdrop of DC's New 52. Some of my most interesting stuff is in comic book commentary on things like Voodoo or Legion Lost that I know nobody is reading. But what can I do? Writing is kind of an end to itself. It doesn't really matter how large the audience is. As long as I keep writing, I'm happy and satisfied.

But it's still a little disappointing knowing that not many people will read these words.

Rankorr isn't the only Red Lantern to go home. Atrocitus heads back to Ryutt in search of the broken down machines known as the Manhunters. He hopes their inorganic bodies can help defeat the Third Army. But when he gets there, his home city seems to return from the past. Skyscrapers. Citizens. And, most of all, Manhunters destroying it all. He's either hallucinating or he's slipped into the past to watch the devastation all over again.

Look on the bright side: if this is real, you've got your Manhunter army!

Red Lanterns #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. What more can I say? Atrocitus's return to his homeworld made me tear up. I'm such a wussy English Lit Major.

The Fury of Firestorm #14

Well get on with it then!

Last issue, Dan Jurgens introduced some secret characters to entice people to pick up the next issue and see what was going on. Except I know better! He was trying to keep Dr. Megala and Captain Atom's participation in this comic book secret for as long as possible so that people wouldn't instantly drop the book. Although I like to think comic book readers are smarter than that. It's not like J.T. Krul is coming on board! Just the character he tried to ruin.

When Captain Atom returns, will we have a love triangle?

At the end of last issue, Firestorm was crushed under a ton of machinery. But you can't keep a good nuclear man down! He returns to handily defeat Relay, Black Star, and Skull Crusher. Or if he can't defeat them, at least humiliate them until they turn cute fuzzy tails and run.

I'm pretty sure "FSASH!" is the sound effect for homosexual sex. Interesting note: "FSASH!" is also the sound effect for heterosexual sex!

While Ronnie Raymond easily counters all the attacks launched against him, he has a casual conversation with Jason Ruach's disembodied head. This conversation leads me to finally have a favorite half of the Firestorm couple.

Ha ha! Leave it to a dog person to basically say dog people are stupid!

Firestorm eventually flees and heads home, leaving the super villains to continue raiding STAR Labs like Ronnie and Jason believed they were doing. What a crappy super hero! Meanwhile Captain Atom looks on from the moon where he fled from everything. What a crappier super hero! The only person accomplishing anything is Dr. Megala! Since he's lost Captain Atom, he's getting closer and closer to finding Ronnie and Jason and then controlling Firestorm.

Smartest man in the DCnU and he's working on perfecting Gaydar.

The next day there's a little drama at high school but it isn't exciting at all. It's supposed to be the best part of this comic book and nothing much happens. Although Jason does find out that his dad is dating Ronnie's mom!

Nope! Guess again!

Dr. Megala, armed with all of the data he's collected with his robot Dataxen and his fancy quantum gaydar, sets up a trap to capture Firestorm. It works just as easily as you would expect when the smartest guy in the world matches wits with two high school guys. Dr. Megala traps Firestorm and transfers his consciousness into Firestorm's body! I don't know if that means there are now three consciousnesses inside of Firestorm or if Ronnie or Jason or both were transferred into the body of the old man. And what happens when Dr. Megala doesn't want to be Firestorm anymore? Does he just end up in the body of Jason and/or Ronnie? If it's "and", how the hell will that work?!

I think it's about time Captain Atom showed up to save the fucking day. Which he, you know, does. Super.

Shouldn't that be, "I'm here to help. Unless maybe it isn't my place to help? Would helping actually end up harming? Who am I to play god? Perhaps I should let man make his own way? Maybe I should just spend 12 issues paralyzed by my fear and doubts? You know, if that's okay with you? Maybe I should just get back to the moon. Sorry!"

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #14 Rating: No change. Better than the comic was with all of the crazy national Firestorms but not enough focus on Ronnie and Jason's relationship!

Batman Incorporated #5

What is this? Opposite Day?

Last issue that pussy little Damian cried his stupid eyes out. What? You were thinking it too! Why are you all looking at me like that? He's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Okay, so Damian isn't a pussy at all! He's a super macho little eleven year old kid that will kill you if Batman is looking in the other direction. And even though I'm a total pacifist tree-hugging hippie, that's still pretty much the best Robin ever. The original Robin, Burt Ward (or whatever his name was. Dick Fistinwimmin?), never actually became cool until he became Nightwing and even then it took about two decades before I liked him.

The fans voted to kill Jason Todd. I think that's evidence enough against him.

Tim Drake was supposed to be super cool because he's the only person who ever figured out Batman's secret identity. But come on?! I might be able to suspend my disbelief enough to pretend that everyone is fooled by Bruce Wayne and Batman but don't test my limits by suddenly making one kid figure it out thus turning my brain's attention back to the fact at how silly the secret identity is! Plus who needs a Robin that has a relationship with his parents?! I'm glad Tim didn't figure out Batman's identity in the Reboot. It's a Lobdell story so it tries to make Tim pretty much the same Tim as before the Reboot while changing just enough so that it doesn't make any fucking sense. Anyway, a lot of people really liked Tim Drake which is evidence enough to show that he's a conformist prat that I'll never like as long as Lobdell keeps getting to write him.

That leaves Damian Wayne who is a psychopathic runt with daddy and mommy issues who likes to kill small animals. Oh, and big animals as well when Batman isn't paying close enough attention to him. That makes him the most interesting Robin because Batman can't keep this fucker on a short enough leash.

If you want a more accurate and worse written description of the different Robins, you're free to read their Wikpedia entries. I'm pretty sure if you make a joke in a Wikipedia entry, you're assassinated by a squad of word-purists with no whimsy in their souls.

If you didn't think Damian cried enough last issue . . . well, Batman isn't through with him yet.

Jeez. Kick a brother while he's down, whydoncha?

I don't know if Batman really had a session with Madame Xanadu or he's simply explaining to Damian that he's a fucking sociopath here, but the comic book continues with Batman's vision of the future with Damian Wayne as Batman.

Gotham is on fire and hundreds of people in Joke make-up are rioting. Batdamian has no problem killing people with his Ro-Bats. There's so much chaos and destruction I'm tempted to truly believe this vision came from that hack Madame Xanadu. Can't she ever have a vision of sunshine and lollipops?

In the future, Barbara Gordon is once again in a wheelchair. Unless she's just gotten lazy. Batman and his team have taken over Arkham as their sanctuary. That must mean Babs has also gotten crazy! Ha ha!

I don't know why they stick around. There's nothing left to save! Oh, maybe that bridge.

The Joker Strain virus has turned almost everyone in Gotham into killer clowns. The rest of the world probably walled off Gotham like they're used to doing every few years in anyway. If you didn't get the joke about the good guys taking refuge in Arkham while the rest of the city went crazy on its first couple of passes, Batdamian says, "We're supposed to be the last sane people in Gotham." You know. Just in case you missed the ironic symbolism when it was just done in pictures. Batdamian has just rescued a baby from the crazed masses. The baby was immune to the Joker Strain. I'm assuming its parents are crazy Joker people so that means it's an orphan. Which means it's the next Robin!

The future versions of Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and Alfred Pennyworth!

Oops. If the baby was the new Robin, it didn't last as long as Jason Todd. It was a carrier for the Joker Strain. Babs was infected, turned psychotic, and killed the baby. Then everyone in Arkham went crazy as well.

Before I find out if Barbara Gordon manages to finally kill Damian Wayne, I suppose I should make a guess at what happened. It seems obvious that Damian killed The Joker which released a virus that turns everyone else into Jokers as well. The Joker's final joke. But it also shows that The Batman was always right across all those years to keep The Joker alive. And it explains why The Joker tried so hard to get The Batman to kill him. But of course Damian would come along and think, "Why the fuck are we keeping this psychopath alive?" And then all hell broke loose. Or would break loose. I've forgotten what tense I'm supposed to be speaking in.

In the end of Batman's vision, the city is destroyed by a nuclear strike against the city ordered by the president. A smiling man in a suit and a red tie is there to make sure it happens. This man also visited Robin in Wayne Manor. This man might be someone I'd recognize if I'd read Morrison's other Batman Incorporated run. Or it could just be a new devil in the mix tempting Damian to go his own way and not follow Batman's lead. Could it be an agent of Ra's al Ghul that somehow gave Damian immortality (from a Lazarus Pit to some Samsara Formula to a Court of Owls Mr. Freeze Tonic to any of the other DC methods of living forever!)?

"Hey Damian! I had this dream and now I don't want you near me. K? Thanx! Bai!"

After Batman crushes Damian's heart, he gets a call from some members of Batman Incorporated investigating one of Leviathan's recent Gotham hideouts. The members of the Outsiders that were supposedly killed in a satellite explosion which was faked are there so that they can be killed in the explosion that happens almost immediately after they call Batman. Oops!

Batman Incorporated #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like the future history of Gotham if Damian takes over the role. I also plan to believe that that is exactly what would happen even though Batman says he didn't see how everything would fall apart in his vision. That whole scene was purely for the reader to see how it would fall apart. If you want to read the comic without the speculative vision (which is Morrison showing us what would really happen while nobody else in the comic actually gets to partake of this vision), simply read pages 1, 19, and 20. That's the only part of this comic that's actually New 52 canon!

Justice League Dark #14

I suppose Frankenstein is going to wear out his welcome since he isn't going to have a comic book to call home.

At the end of last issue, I wished for Nick Necro to be sent to Magic Prison because I never wanted to see him again. Why do I keep wasting my wishes on comic book plot points?!

This is also a good synopsis of last issue. Kind of. Just remember that Tim Hunter and Zatanna were zapped somewhere by the Books of Magic!

ARGUS calls in some guy named Dr. Peril who appeared in the comic back in issue #10. I'm not surprised I don't remember him. Apparently he's good with both science and magic. And since the Books of Magic turned out to be the Books of Science, he's here to figure them out. Too bad their technology is way more advanced than he's used to. Which means Mordru and Merlin were capable of some pretty fancy tinkering. I'm sure the Books of Magic were created by Stormwatch. Perhaps Zatanna and Tim Hunter are in Avalon?

Black Orchid, Amethyst, and Frank decide to explore The House of Mystery while the regular members of Justice League Dark consult with Amanda Waller Steve Trevor.

Yeah, well Andrew Bennett has a comic to go back to now, doesn't he? Bitch.

At this point in The New 52, a comic book simply chronicling the adventures of Frank, Amy, and Orch wandering about The House of Mystery would be more interesting than at least ten I can comics that come immediately to mind. I could probably even reduce the plot to the three of them sitting in one room of The House of Mystery playing Mahjong. That would still be more interesting than Deathstroke constantly being attacked by mercenaries trying to increase their reputation or Hawkman constantly being attacked by mercenaries trying to gain his Nth Metal or Superboy constantly being attacked by assholes while out on a date. Or Frank and Amy and Orch constantly being attacked by skeletons trying to steal their Mahjong tiles.

Chee Chee Chee Chee AAAAHHHHH!

Mini-Justice League Dark manage to escape from the Cheeing skeletons and are suprised to wind up in a mysterious ballroom with mysterious masked dancers because that's just the way the House of Mystery works. It's a fucking mystery! It's right there in the title! You wouldn't wander around the House of Mystery constantly wondering why you're suddenly still inside! Because it's a fucking house!

Mini-Justice League Dark lets its guard down in the mystery ballroom because it's so formal. Nothing bad can happen in such a formal, regal, beautiful setting, right? Even when the guests begin creepily taking off their masks and declaring that Frank and the Girls are the guests of honor. Right?

Oh my god! Their masks weren't their masks! Their faces were their masks! And Soylent Green is a cook book!

Does every mystery in the House of Mystery have to be dangerous? This isn't the House of Danger! I hope the next room they walk into simply has a single bed with a clean sheet with a stain right in the middle of it. What is that stain?! How did it get there?! Why hasn't housekeeping taken care of this?!

The next room is a gallery of sculptures. Black Orchid instantly gets into a fighting stance because she knows what comes next! They beat up a few statues after they come to life and then run out another door. Maybe the next room will be an amusement park haunted by an old man in a scary mask!

Outside of the House of Mystery, Constantine is a bit put off that Dr. Peril needs a full year of study before he can unlock the mysteries of the Books of Magic.

I was going to suggest making a cameo in a Scott Lobdell book so that they could time travel around Flashpoint to a year in the future but Constantine's plan is much better. I don't know why they don't take him seriously!

Dr. Peril has a different plan. He's going to fool the books into thinking Tim Hunter is opening them again. But he needs Dr. Mist's help to pull it off. Whew. I thought maybe they would need Nick Necro's help and that asshole would already get his get out of magic jail free card. Although I still don't know what's wrong with Constantine's plan!

Back in the House, Black Frankenthyst discover a library that seems to contain thousands of books. Each book represents a room of the house. Perhaps they should find the section of shelves with normal mystery books on it instead of the weird, 50s horror sci-fi mystery tales they've been encountering so far. It might make for a less exciting journey but it wouldn't be as dangerous. Better yet, find the Teen Mystery Section and go hang out with the Hardy Boys!

And then they split up because you always have to split up when investigating a mystery. Or is that when you're threatened by a madman and your marriage is falling apart? Anyway, Black Orchid discovers the first fucking interesting room in the House of Mystery.

John Constantine's Office! Click on the picture for a better look. Best note on the board: Aquaman: Who cares?

Black Orchid finds a file on herself on his desk. She's subject 28 in the Ascension Project. Constantine has put together a lot of knowledge about the DCnU that has been kept secret from a lot of people. But he doesn't know who Batman's wealthy backer is? Idiot! Neither Bruce Wayne nor Batman have been hiding that fact from anyone! He also has notes about things I don't think he would really care about. Like wondering if the new Green Lantern is a terrorist or not. Or wondering if Green Arrow is playing both sides. Although that Aquaman line remains the best. But remember, Constantine and Lemire! I was back on the bashing Aquaman bandwagon months ago! That means I'm cooler than John Constantine. I think. Yeah, probably.

After Orchid is done perusing John's private orifice office, she heads back into the hallway where Frank and Amy seem to have discovered a way out. And then outside, The Phantom Stranger appears. And that's never a good sign for anybody.

Why do three people punished by the Council of Wizards have to fight amongst themselves? Rise up and destroy your oppressors! Oh wait. Your oppressors are all mostly dead. Stop punishing yourselves already!

Justice League Dark #14 Rating: No change. This was a good issue with a really nice reveal of Constantine's office and what that wanker is up to. It's probably this level of involvement in The New 52 that got Hellblazer canceled. He should have been more careful!

Talon #2

Well fuck. He's dead already.

Talon has already begun his first mission when the comic book begins. Don't worry about missing the opening scene. The comic book doesn't begin until you get off of your lazy ass and open the cover. He's infiltrating a place calle The Orchard House in Gotham. Apparently it's the storeroom for The Court of Owls precious artifacts. I guess because Owls keep their treasures in orchards?

I already see a problem with this mission and every other mission Calvin Rose, The Talon, will undertake! He's an Escapiologist! Not a Ingressiologist! Or Entranciest! Or whatever stupid word you want to make up for someone who's really good at getting into things as opposed to someone who's really good at getting out of things! Maybe it should be based on Greek. Maybe he's an eiságetetest! I should thank Lord Google's hot cousin, Lady Google Translate, for help with that made up Greek word.

And I'm not going to call him a cat burglar since he's based on a bird. Duh! And bird burglar sounds too much like turd burglar and I think that's insensitive hate speech! Unless my thinking that "turd burglar" is insensitive hate speech is actually the insensitive hate speech! Maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead and pretend I read Talon! I already had to reach out to Doom Bunny for ideas since I was floundering for things to say about the first couple of pages of this comic. Which are all I've read so far and decided not to talk about!

Anyway, for matters of transparency, here's my MSN conversation with Doom Bunny:

Me: "I got stuck on Talon because I have nothing to talk about. Maybe this is a sign to stop the project! Spend the rest of my years playing video games!"
Doom Bunny: "This is when you should go on a tangent about your cat or something!"
Me: "That's the problem. I have nothing to talk about! And Talon isn't worth talking about."
Doom Bunny: "I thought you kind of liked Talon."
Me: "Maybe. I've only read three pages or so of this issue but it's not sparking anything. Whether it's good or not. If it were horrible, I'd be breezing through it! Maybe I should eat something."
Doom Bunny: "Yeah! You were a genius in predicting what Element Lad and Chemical Kid should do!
Me: "It seemed the most obvious thing."
Me: "Apparently I'm wasting my good lines in other bloggers' forums! 'Lizard's comment almost made me fall off my chair! "Robin with a Superman cape..." I guess that's one way to tell someone they are unprepared for what awaits them!'"
Doom Bunny: "Ha!"
Me: "I follow a blog where a guy is playing all the computer role playing games by date of release. He started it because he beat Rogue and was proud and told some people on a forum and they said he should blog about it. So now he's been talking about beating Nethack in the space of a year without spoilers. So I laughed at him and told him he has an inflated sense of his self because he managed to beat Rogue. I told him, 'You're not Superman, sir. You're Robin in a Superman cape that accidentally caught Lex Luthor.'"
Me: "All of that makes more sense if you know Nethack and Rogue! I've been playing Nethack off and on (mostly off) for about fifteen years, spoiler free. I've never come close to winning that game."
Me: "Maybe I should create a new voice for writing Talon's commentaries?"
Doom Bunny: "Hee. You should do that as Batgirl's diary too!"
Me: "Maybe I should do it as Doom Bunny!"
Doom Bunny: "Boring."
Me: "'I'm supposed to be reading Talon but I was so embarrassed to be seen with my children that I grabbed My Little Pony instead. So I guess I'm going to read that!'"
Doom Bunny: "Yay! I liked your My Little Pony fan fic!"
Me: "That wasn't mine! I stole it.
Doom Bunny: "Oh jeez. I thought you made up that you stole it! And were parodying it! Wowzers!"
Me: "I don't think fanfic can be parodied! It just becomes new fanfic! Okay, I'm going to transcribe most of our conversation in Talon #2 now."

I feel sorry for people who are interested in reading about Talon and not interested in reading about me. Who has been reading these commentaries thinking they're about the fucking comic books? This is about my ego, people!

I knew this would happen as well! Remember when I said escaping wasn't the same as entering?!

Pretty much everything that can go wrong goes wrong. Partly because Talon is relying on Sebastian's expertise at theoretical infiltration while having no expertise at actual infiltration. So it's Sebastian's fault. But then it's actually Talon's fault because he keeps saying things like, "Sebastian would have known that guards sometimes change up their routines to drop the disgusting, bloody, rock-hard kids off at the pool if he had any real world experience like I do, so he should have anticipated the guards schedules changing the way I would have!" And then he runs into the guards walking funny.

I'm glad I had that part about Nethack in the conversation earlier because Talon's infiltrating of The Orchard House is like a game of Nethack! Sebastian is playing the role of people on the internet that have all the knowledge a player needs to win the game. And Talon is the new player blundering into the Dungeons of Doom. Even though he knows what to do, he still manages to drink from a fountain and cause a bunch of water moccasins to attack him because nobody on the internet was thinking so low level as to tell him not to drink from there. And then he wanders into a couple of kobolds with Wands of Fire because all the planning in the world can't keep a fucking kobold from picking up a fucking Wand of Fire and ending your game instantaneously. After that, he finds a ring which he accidentally puts on instead of dropping and realizes it's a Ring of Aggravate The Court of Owls. So now he's in the King Midas's The Court of Owl's treasure room hiding under a fucking table while a Master Lich an undead Talon makes the rounds cursing all of his fucking equipment.

The internet yelling at a beginner Nethack player.

Calvin hides under a table in the Court of Owls' treasure room while an undead Talon wanders about on guard duty. I find it rather amusing that the best comic book of The New 52 came up with one of the most ridiculous antagonists of the Reboot. I like the whole Court of Owls concept. I even like that they keep a trained assassin called The Talon to do all of their dirty work and to keep all of their secrets. But then they went and resurrected all of the past Talons? Okay, that's not that big a deal. I'm not saying the Undead Talons are ridiculous because they're unrealistic. I think they're ridiculous because they're practically immortal killing machines and they're bad at killing! Another thing that's silly is that even though they're reanimated corpses, the leaders of Gotham have decided to keep them in Blackgate prison instead of destroying them. I guess this makes sense when so many of them can sit down with The Red Hood and have a pleasant chat about resurrection and individuality. But I think that one was an exception!

Oh, I guess this one is an exception as well! A very talkative exception.

So I guess the resurrection process works better than I realized! Why aren't more people lining up for this "Talonization"? The Court of Owls should be selling this process instead of acting all shadowy and powerful. I bet Old Man Sebastian's real reason for helping Calvin Rose destroy the Court is to get his old man hands on the resurrection process. I wonder if Amanda Waller knows about this thing? Maybe she's trying to duplicate the process with her Samsara Project.

During the battle for the symbolic mask, Talon (the undead one!) tells Talon (the living one!) how he became a talon (the job title! Fucking confusing bullshit!). Turns out it was a surprise twist where Haly's Circus is involved. He's trained by them and then the Court...oh hell. You know all of this already!

And because the undead Talon feels the need to tell stories instead of draw blood, Talon buys enough time to finish what he came for.

Now maybe the Talon will kill himself from the shame. The undead one!

Look, I only added that last caption because I just recently watched some Japanese Samurai history stuff and the Undead Talon is wielding a Katana, but I really didn't think that was going to happen.

Now I don't know if being covered in molten gold will kill him but I'm pretty sure he won't be any more trouble.

With Calvin and Sebastian's successful attack to retrieve one of the greatest artifacts of the court and destroy a large portion of the Court's wealth, The Court of Owls realize they need to keep all of their animated Talons guarding their other hoards. So they decide to resurrect one of the Unworthy Talons.

Wasn't the Talon in Catwoman deemed unworthy? Perhaps the Court fucked up on their records. Especially since he was buried without his clothing or daggers or anything befitting his title. I guess the guy they're resurrecting now wasn't that unworthy because he's fully clothed. He's from 1860 and he was known as The Gotham Butcher.

This guy must have been the Talon before the hot Chinese acrobat from All Star Western.

Talon #2 Rating: No change. The most interesting part about this issue was the way Sebastian lies to Calvin nearly at every turn. After seeing the way Sebastian lies, it's pretty plain that his original reason for wanting the Court destroyed is probably a lie. He told Calvin some bullshit about his father writing a book about the Court and the Court retaliating and killing everyone except Sebastian. I think the truth might be closer to my earlier supposition: Sebastian wants the formula for immortality. He definitely wants something that he's not telling.