Birds of Prey #14

Is Katana's plan simply to fall to her doom? Same as Black Canary and Starling's plan, I guess!

Is this the issue where we find out what happened to Poison Ivy after Katana supposedly killed her? My guess is that Duane will never mention it again because he doesn't give a fuck if his stories make any sense from issue to issue. He just gives the Birds a little amnesia and moves on to a new plot point. And the Birds just vapidly wander around from action scene to action scene believing they're accomplishing something. Or not believing they are and simply not caring.

I hope Condor replaces Katana as a member of the Birds of Prey because he has a bird name while Katana doesn't. What the fuck is she doing in this group? I know! I know! She's a "bird" in the British vernacular. But she's getting her own comic soon, so it's about time she breaks up with this lousy comic book.

And before everyone flips out that I'm hating on The Birds of Prey, remember that I don't particularly dislike anybody in this comic book (well, maybe Starling). I just hate the way they're currently being written. I want this book to be good! I want this book to be fun and exciting and all kinds of awesomeness. But it currently isn't anything but shit.

It's always the worst comics that have the worst editing. I think the editors can't bring themselves to actually read the finished product.

Some guy recently went through a bunch of my commentaries and pointed out where I made errors. I had to point out to him that I'm not charging anybody to read my crap and I don't have three to four editors on salary to make sure my writing is error free. Also, I never reread my entries after I'm done reading the comic book and commenting. When the next issue comes out a month later, that's when I reread my previous entry and do all of the editing. If anyone is curious as to how many horrible typos, grammar errors, word additions, or word subtractions I generally make, you can read my Blogspot version of this Tumblr page where I never go back and correct my errors! Have at it! Make fun of my horrible ability to not make any mistakes on my first stream-of-consciousness commentary on each comic. No, seriously. Someone make a list so I can go back and fix them! I don't have time to read 900 fucking entries!

By the way, I don't point out every error I run into in a comic book. If it ruins the flow of my narrative, I'll ignore it. There was one in the Shazam story in Justice League #14 that I just let go because I didn't want to wedge in another picture that didn't really fit in with anything I was saying. There have been others. My goal here isn't to edit every comic DC puts out. Unless Howard Mackie is writing it. And then I'm going to list all of his fucking errors, double dashes, dual periods, ellipses, and whatever weird punctuation he decides to throw in the mix.

Oh yeah! The picture underneath the Narration Box with the typo shows two ninjas climbing up the side of a building carrying a large safe. Really? Was the fucking freight elevator out of order?

I guess if they were taking an elevator or the stairs, Condor wouldn't be able to attack them. That would have been a good thing because for the life of me (and I'm not being purposefully dense), I can't figure out exactly what's going on here.

I get that he's attacking them. Then he's almost sliding off of the roof? And he's saying, "Gotcha," when he almost grabs onto the wall instead of sliding off the building? And then the ninjas are so fast that one of them runs over to the other side of the roof after being knocked out of the way and knees Condor in the groin? That's how I read this and if that's what's happening, fuck you. This is horrible plotting.

Whatever the case, Condor beats up the Dagger Ninjas and decides to look in the box. But before he can, Starling, Black Canary, Katana, and Batgirl appear on the roof to stop him. How did they get on the roof? Well, Batgirl swung up on a rope in that way that the Bat-Family does without anyone actually knowing how they do it. That's forgivable because it's usual. But Canary and Katana were in disguise as the Dagger Ninjas. And when was the last time they were able to scale sheer surfaces? I suppose Team 7 training accounts for Dinah's ability and Katana being Japanese accounts for her ability. Starling just appears in her corset. Maybe she was in the box.
 
Condor decides to put up a fight instead of finding out what they want. He has that telekinetic power thing that he uses to make Dinah kick Katana in the face and break the edge of the building so Batgirl falls off the side. He would also probably use it to stop Starling's bullets if she could actually hit anything but the wall behind her intended targets.

Ugh. Condor only uses this dialogue so that Starling can reply that she's currently drunk or some other lame joke that should never happen because why would Condor say this?!

Let's see what Starling has to say about being drunk or shooting while drunk or drunkity drunk drunk when I turn the page.

Oh, well then. I stand corrected! Starling is merely amazed that she didn't hit him although this has never amazed her before in the last 13 issues when she hasn't hit anything either. Well, at least she's going to hit the ground! Bwa ha ha! No, no. Batgirl will save her.

Maybe Condor just pointed out that he likes to get drunk so that he and Starling will have something to bond over later when he joins the group and Katana leaves the group and they're all remembering what a horrible person Poison Ivy was when she was alive.

Maybe some people reading this enjoy Birds of Prey and think I'm being nit-picky. Well, yeah, I am. But this next part of the action sequence is why I'm picking everything apart. Because this is the way Duane ignores every fucking thing going on in the comic simply to get on with the next part of his story. Ready?

Batgirl and Starling have been knocked off of the building. Where'd they go? It isn't revealed by the end of the scene. Black Canary knocks Condor off of the building with Katana now the only one left on the roof. Now Black Canary knows that he can fly, so why should she care that he's falling? Because she thinks she knocked him out. So she jumps off the building to grab him. Once she does, she tells him to cover his ears because she's going to use her sonic scream to save them. But she thought he was knocked out? Oh, who cares. They land safely and he can't hear so she chides him for not covering his ears even though the only reason she jumped off the building was because she thought he was knocked out. You know what? Who cares. NONE OF THAT IS WHAT I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT! This is:

Katana is now waiting for them on the ground with a gun!

Am I supposed to believe that Katana dove off of the building in anticipation of Black Canary kicking Condor off of it? Am I supposed to believe that Katana can break her fall using Shinto? Perhaps she can scale down buildings faster than Black Canary falls? Perhaps she learned how to teleport when I wasn't fucking looking? Now do you see why I nit pick the shit out of this comic book?!

Everybody goes back to Condor's lair to retrieve Katana's sword. And they all lived happily ever after.

Oh no! I forgot about the Dagger Ninja Clan! I was willing to let this comic book be over in fourteen pages!

In the middle of all of this terribly exciting ninja fighting action, Starling takes a time out to give Amanda Waller a call. Batgirl escapes out of a window and crashes to the ground because her line was cut. Katana is captured again and taken to finish her punishment. And Black Canary is knocked unconscious by Condor after they escape. The team is split up and down for the count. How will they overcome such a devastating turn of fortune next issue? How can I even guess when Duane Swierczynski just ignores causality?

Birds of Prey #14 Rating: -2 Ranking. This shit is some terrible shit. I wish it wasn't shit but it is shit. I would like to read a good Birds of Prey comic book and not a shit Birds of Prey comic book.

Justice League #14

If this actually happened, Batman's neck would be broken and his head popped off his fucking body.

How did Superman let himself get infected with the Werecheetah spit at the end of last issue? Can't this guy stop his heart from beating so the poison saliva couldn't circulate throughout his body? Seriously, if he doesn't need to breathe, he doesn't need his heart beating. This could be a magic curse but since it took place by a bite and is playing out like a werewolf bite, I've got to believe it's a disease. I'm not sure if it's been stated anywhere that Superman doesn't have to breathe but it's been shown that Supergirl doesn't need to breathe. Or eat. Or drink. Or sleep. As long as she is full of sunlight, she doesn't need to do anything that a normal body needs to do to keep functioning. Like shitting. I'm assuming Superman is the same way. And if they don't need to eat or breathe, why do they need their blood pumping, right? Come on, Superman! Take some classes in meditation so you can slow down your heart beat to nothing and prevent things like this from happening in the first place.

Unless it's magic. Then, you know, nevermind.

Once Superman transforms and loses control, he wouldn't be pulling his punches because he's a possessed monster now. So let's see how many times the other members of the Justice League would have died this issue if not for Geoff Johns pulling some writing punches.

Apparently none of them would have died because a mysterious woman appears to blow a horn which incapacitates Superman after only Wonder Woman was nearly strangled by Superman. And I can live with Wonder Woman being able to handle Superman's "can lift six times the Earth's weight" strength crushing her larynx. I think. Can I? She is Zeus's child, so yes.

I hate how often and how naturally everyone in comics finishes everyone else's sentences. Hey, Aquaman! Don't fucking think you know what Batman's going to say! He's like three times smarter than you or something.

Since Aquaman has limited telepathy, maybe he can read Batman's thoughts. Although I still don't know exactly how Aquaman's telepathy works or what creatures it can work on. Can he only command creatures that live in the water to do things? Or is there a kind of two way communication that happens? Perhaps Aquaman has to bribe the creatures to do favors for him. So in-between comics, Aquaman is providing the promised hand jobs to the Great White Sharks for their service to him in the Darkseid War.

Also, Wonder Woman's butt looks really nice in that panel above.

Flash and Wonder Woman and Aquaman go after The Cheetah but she seems to be just as fast as The Flash and a better fighter, so he gets his tendons torn up yet again. I guess his metabolism allows him to heal super fast though, so he'll be okay again in a few panels.

Batman and Cyborg hang out with the native woman with the horn to try and find out how to help Superman. Cyborg uses some translation software to allow them all to communicate but I think it's a bit buggy.

So you need to pray to the Gods and Goddesses that are as spoiled as The Cheetah?

Once The Flash's leg heals, he shoves Cheetah's claws deep into his chest. That'll show her! Apparently the big plan is for The Flash to be hobbled and near death which will put The Cheetah off guard so she won't notice that they've lured her next to a gigantic river where Aquaman can tell a bunch of fish to throw themselves at her.

And over at the Saving Superman Site, the unknown woman with the horn begins pouring unknown blood into Superman's neck wound. And Batman lets her! Shouldn't he test the blood first? And then see how it'll react to Kryptonian physiology?! Did Batman suddenly decide to throw all caution to the wind after seventy years of acting otherwise? To be fair, Batman and Robin did spend a number of those years acting really goofy. So maybe it's a bit less time than I first stated.

While The Flash is super fast and can't lay a hand on The Cheetah, Wonder Woman wades right in and begins busting Cheetah chops. I suppose Cheetahs are fast so being fast isn't really going to help defeat her. But Cheetah is also a God as is Wonder Woman (okay, okay. Half God). And Wonder Woman knows how to fight, so The Flash should just sit out and play Crime Scene Detective. Meanwhile, Aquaman is nowhere to be seen.

While filling Superman with her strange blood, Hara the Horn Lady tells Batman the tale of The Cheetah. It's a long story so I'll let her tell it.

TL;DR: There's a knife called The Godslayer in the DCnU!

This tribe wants their God back so they want to kill Barbara Minerva. Then the Cheetah God will be released and can possess someone without being corrupted by The Godslayer blade. Or something. But guess what? None of that matters because The Justice League isn't going to kill The Cheetah simply to save the lives of an entire tribe that depend on their animal God's help. Fuck them! Fucking third world problems. A civilized Justice League can't kill one person to save hundreds of others. What kind of choice is that? Better to not get your hands dirty and let hundreds of people die through action of your own just so you don't have to get your hands dirty. They should figure out another way to live. Get a new fucking patron God, you lazy tribesmen! Maybe The Goat. Or The Anteater. But don't ask Batman to kill someone! Until he can rid the world of The Joker, he's just going to sit back on his ideals and let the world go to hell any time it means blood must be spilled.

The Cheetah is finally captured when Wonder Woman kicks her into the river and Aquaman hits her with a bunch of fish. Hey, not any kind of fish! These are African Demon Fish! If you're a white person reading that last sentence, the "African" part probably scared you more than the "Demon" part.

I wonder how many Tumblr followers I just lost with that last sentence? Anybody out there old enough to remember the seventies or eighties news threats of "Africanized" bees coming up from Mexico? Geez! Talk about a headline meant to scare the shit out of white middle class suburbanites! "Africanized whats from Mexico?!"

And then comes the big surprise reveal that I'm going to spoil right here instead of those normal reviews out there that would rather spoil by dropping really lame hints that they think won't spoil the fucking comic anyway. "The Cheetah ends up in prison where she apparently wants to be because a certain "Legion" that brings "Doom" to the world is making plans. Heh heh heh."

OMG OMG OMG! I hope they still have their swampy giant-headed headquarters!

Afterwards, Batman uncovers another big super shocking twist secret. Barbara Minerva wasn't corrupted by The Cheetah or The Godslayer! The Cheetah was corrupted by Barbara because she's a big bad criminal type! I hope she finds a good Super Villain gig with some "legion" or "doom"sday cult!

And then Superman and Wonder Woman fuck in a field in Smallville . . .

. . . while The Batperv watches via satellite.

Doesn't Superman ever wash his cape? Shouldn't he occasionally bathe it in radiation to clean it up? Or dip it in the sun? Kryptonian Dry Cleaning! How long is Batman's tracker going to be on Supes' cape? Batman's tracer is probably indestructible anyway. Who am I kidding? Hmm, I think I should have said "Who am I kidding?" before I said "Batman's tracer is probably indestructible anyway."

The back-up story returns to the world of SHAZAM! after the brief but boring interlude with Steve Trevor and Oliver Queen drinking in a bar. Those guys suck toast.

This chapter of SHAZAM! highlights Black Adam returning to the city. It's a brilliant rewrite of Action Comics #1 where Superman drops Glenmorgan from the top of a skyscraper to scare him into admitting his guilt in corporate shenanigans. Black Adam takes the CEO of a corporation being picketed by its employees and drops him from a skyscraper as well. Except Black Adam doesn't catch him before he hits the pavement. Black Adam is basically the Superman that Batman fears. He has the power to change the world and to help people and he'll use it however he feels justified.

Yay! Black Adam for World President/Dictator!

Next on Black Adam's list of things to do is to find the manifestations of The Seven Deadly Sins and recruit them to his side. With their help, he will remake the world and it will be a happy go lucky place for all mankind. As long as they do what Black Adam says.

Justice League #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Legion of Doom is coming! The Legion of Doom is coming! I think I just ruined my underwear!

Batwoman #14

Wasn't Pegasus born from the blood of Medusa when her head was lopped off? Where's my thirteen year old self when I need questions like this answered?

Since I don't have my thirteen year old self to answer all of my questions about mythology, I supposed I could ask Lord Google.

Me: "How was pegasus born, Lord Google?"
Lord Google: "Pip pip! Someone needs answers, do they? Well, judging by your inquiry, I see you'd like to hear some My Little Pony/Dr. Who fanfiction, correct? *ahem*

'"Hello,” said the bashful yellow pegasus filly to the not nearly as bashful grey pegasus filly.'"

Me: "No no no! I was wondering about..."
Lord Google: "Please don't interrupt.

'“Hi!” the other pegasus said with a smile, “I’m Ditzy Doo. Wanna go explorin’ and treasure hunting and searching for the mysterious Moon Princess of the Whitetail Woods?"'"

Me: "Look, I just want to know about the Pegasus of mythol..."
Lord Google: "The yellow pegasus struggled to make herself speak as loudly as she could, which honestly, was barely above a whisper. “Pardon me,” the shy pegasus shyly asked, “but why is a moon princess living in a forest? Wouldn’t she want to live on the moon? I’m- I… wait, no, I upset you didn’t I? Now you hate me don’t you? Please don’t hate me I didn’t mean to be mean. I knew I shouldn’t have opened my mouth, I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” Great, she bemoaned mournfully, she already hates me."
Me: "You know what? Forget I asked."

The above excerpts were taken from the brilliant and oft-cited story "My Little Time Lord The Pegasus Starlight Pt I" written by someone mysterious because Lord Google didn't want to reveal the source.

I stopped reading the My Little Pony/Dr. Who fanfic just a few paragraphs in because I need to finish (begin?) reading Batwoman before I go to the comic book store for new comics. Even though Pegasus looks half-eaten, Wonder Woman is still cautious since he's the son of Medusa. But Batwoman rushes to help him because she can't see an animal suffering. Or a child. Or a cowboy.

If Pegasus was born out of Medusa's decapitated torso, how is Medusa still alive to cause trouble? I bet her head was reattached to some other body.

The next four pages contain more of the fantastic layouts I've been praising Blackman and Williams III for doing throughout this comic book. Batwoman is analyzing Pegasus's wounds. As she does, panels depict the fight between Falchion and Pegasus and the moments in that fight that caused each of the different wounds. This comic book is just a treat to look at.

Pegasus knows that Medusa has a plan to destroy all mortalkind but he doesn't know what it is. He does, however, know where she is keeping the children she has kidnapped. And he's willing to tell them for a price.

Thirteen year old nerd boys will bring him back! And maybe some of the love for winged My Little Ponies can be siphoned over to help bring Pegasus back!

Wonder Woman is willing to pay this price but Batwoman begins having too many feelings. She'd rather keep this maimed horse-man alive than to put him out of his misery.

My friend Paul and I once found a raccoon that had been hit by a car in front of my house. It looked like its back had been broken but it was still alive and otherwise intact. I put a towel in a box and gingerly scooted it into the box to make it as comfortable as possible. I really don't know what I thought could be done for it but I knew it needed compassion and warmth and some manner of kindness. In my raccoon loving mind, I guess I believed if I called animal control, they would come get it and it would go somewhere where they would help it out and it would be better and the world would be pink and full of light and flowers and spring mornings. When animal control came, the man took out one of those ten foot long poles with the noose that can be tightened at the other end. He wrapped it around the racoons neck and manhandled it from its cozy box and into a cage as it screamed and squealed the entire time. And then the man took it away, probably to gas it after all that trauma.

Later, we told Paul's dad about the raccoon. He said (and I'm quoting exactly because I'll never forget it), "You should have taken a baseball bat and put it out of its misery." And fuck me, he was right. I would have rather ended the poor raccoon's suffering myself if I'd have known my empathy for the poor thing was going to cause it so much more trauma when it was only going to meet its miserable end anyway. It was already dead when I found it. The only decision left was how it was going to ultimately go and I decided incorrectly.

So what I'm trying to say is, I understand Batwoman's revulsion to the idea of killing Pegasus. But I also know why Wonder Woman is willing to deliver the killing blow as well.

Pegasus tells them that Medusa is in Gotham.

Maybe Pegasus will spring forth from his decapitated torso!

I had to make a joke because this whole scene along with my reminiscence is making me weepy. And the next few panels don't fucking help. Someone get me a handkerchief!

As long as Junior High School libraries carry books on mythology, thirteen year old boys and girls will be their to believe in Pegasus.

I think this proves that I'm as tough as Wonder Woman!

Meanwhile in Gotham City, Harvey Bullock and Maggie, Kate Kane's ex-girlfriend, have finally found Medusa. She and her Urban Legends have come above ground to cause chaos and possibly finish whatever ritual she needed all of those children for. Or maybe it's just the local Gotham Crazy Day Parade.

Medusa walks the streets turning cops into statues while Catwoman, Mr. Freeze, and Nightwing all make a short guest appearance as they battle Medusa's Urban Legends. But the Urban Legends aren't the only legends Medusa wants fighting for her. She transforms Killer Croc one more time into her old friend, the Hydra.

Where the fuck is Batman already?!

Detective Bullock decides to play the big hero and nearly becomes Statue Bullock but Maggie saves him. And then it's time for Maggie to be saved by her girlfriend and her girlfriend's new crush!

Oh. That's the end!

I didn't realize the comic book was over because it felt like I still had ten pages left. But that's because all of the adverts were shoved in the back of the book to not mess up Blackman and Williams III's layouts.

Batwoman #14 Rating: +3 Ranking. The art is beautiful. The layouts are thoughtful and well-designed. The writing is top notch. The story is exciting. Great fucking book. The end.

Legion of Super-heroes #14

The chemistry between these two is pulpable!

Just to be clear: that caption above was a joke and not a typo.

Last issue, DC Comics asked readers to vote for the new leader of the Legion of Super-heroes! I can't wait to find out who it'll be. If they ask for more votes at the end of this issue, I'm going to send in a vote for Chlorophyll Kid! Also last issue, I was beginning to like this comic book! It looks like it takes about a year of reading the Legion of Super-heroes to begin to understand the characters and what the fuck is going on. Maybe I'm not totally caught up but I can't wait to see who's fucking who and how much drama Comet Queen is going to cause!

According to the cover, Chemical Kid and Element Lad might be getting in some trouble together. I suppose Chemical Kid is going to spend an awful lot of time with Element Lad. If these two jerks got their doctorates in chemistry, they'd probably be unstoppable! Element Lad would create all the elements needed for whatever problem needed solving and Chemical Kid would spark the reaction. These guys would be unstoppable. I'm guessing that the question whether their powers will save or kill them is only being asked because these two idiots didn't do enough homework. Their powers could easily lead to creating clouds of poison gas or radioactive explosions or acid baths.

Chemical Kid on his own is kind of lame so if someone has to die this issue or an upcoming issue, my bet is it'll be him.

The comic begins with Element Lad and Chemical Kid creating a device designed by Brainiac 5 that will lead them to the Braalian Raiders. Cosmic Boy has been admitted to the hospital because he was beat up by three people with his powers. I guess if he dies, there are still plenty of other people with his powers to take his place.

Cosmic Boy's girlfriend, Night Girl, watches his surgery. Apparently, she's a Grue.

Chemical Kid and Element Lad find the pirates and launch a surprise attack. But since they don't see the magnetic trio anywhere, their surprise attack isn't very effective. Instead, they're surprised by the Magneto Triplets while they're busy fighting lowly miners. Element Lad is crushed by a rock again (same thing happened last issue!) because of Chemical Kid. Again! Now it's up to Chemical Kid to defeat them all on his own. Luckily he knows a trick where he stops some chemical reaction in the blood with the oxygen and the breathing or the enriching or something. I don't know! I haven't had a Chemistry or Biology course in fifteen years!

This art is terrible.

Meanwhile, Brainiac 5 is probing Comet Queen's mind. He discovers that Saturn Queen implanted a command deep into Comet Queen's brain to kill Brainiac 5 when she had the opportunity.

Back on the pirate's asteroid, Chemical Kid drags Element Lad to cover and helps him heal. Once they've both caught their breath, they do that thing that I said they should do all the time. This is what I was telling my friend Doom Bunny earlier before reading the comic book:

Me: "Hell, Element Lad could just change everything into TNT and Catalyst Kid could set it off. Everytime!"
Me: "'We're here to take over the...' BOOOOOOM!"
Me: "'GIVE ME ALL THE....' BOOOOOOM!"
Me: "'We demand Legion stop blowing ever....' BOOOOOOOM!"

And this is how they solve the problem of the three evil Cosmic Boys:

Okay, so they used a "KABOOOM." Close enough!

That's it for that sub-plot. Chemical Kid sent out a distress signal while Element Lad was down so Lightning Lass, Night Girl, and Shadow Thing arrive after the fight is over. And Lightning Lass ends the issue with some information to help me understand the Legion a little better.

Jesu Cristo! Me and every single kid in Junior High can draw this well!

A-ha! So a Unique is a Legion Member with a super power that isn't an inherent racial ability. Brainiac 5 used the term earlier when discussing Comet Queen but I didn't realize that Legion refers to their teammates with super powers in this way. Of course just knowing this doesn't help me figure out which of these assholes are Uniques and which of them are "planetary adapted."

Legion of Super-heroes #14 Rating: No change. Not much happened in this issue involving the different sub-plots. Brainiac discovered Comet Queen means to kill him due to a Saturn Girl subliminal implanted message. And Phantom Girl and Sun Boy discovered The Persuader's Axe kept in a secure vault is an illusion which means the rumors of The Fatal Five returning are probably true. And that was it! The art in the last two issues of this comic has been really substandard. This comic is lucky I mainly base my rankings on the writing and rarely let the art affect me.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #14

Oh fuck. Don't drag Superman into this constipated bowel of horrors.

It's time once again for the Scott Lobdell show! Let's enjoy whatever script he came up with by sitting down at his writing desk and just writing! He's taken the idea of writing every day to practice writing seriously. Except he seems to believe that whatever comes out of the other end of his pen is good writing simply because it appeared on paper. Look, Scott. I understand that sometimes when you're writing something, you're not always sure how it's going to end. But take a fucking look over at Action Comics. Grant Morrison's entire run is tying up so neatly with everything he's written interlacing with everything else. It's like he had everything planned. He may not have but he at least understands how to make a story's ending compliment its beginning while the middle is thoroughly entertaining. But you just write a story one month that's headed in a certain direction and then the next month, you continue toward the same destination but the story seems to be coming from a completely different compass direction. Your stories are disjointed, overly narrated, and filled with characters that all act like brats with attitudes.

Take some time to think about what you're doing instead of just farting out ideas. Like having Superman suddenly be on Krypton at the end of your Zero Issue. I guarantee that you added that at the last second as you were writing the stupid ass story. "This story needs a big twist surprise ending. I know! Superman will somehow have found his way back to Krypton! That'll be shocking!" Yes. It was shockingly bad. And then you doubled down on the crapfest by creating a being called The Oracle that knows everything ever but still needs to be warned that Krypton is getting another chance at survival? You fucking suck at thinking.

That's enough Scott Lobdell bashing for now! I'm really not surprised he avoids the fucking internet. He must keep a jar of tears next to his computer for every time he goes online to read about himself.
Red Hood and the Outlaws #14 begins with Jason Todd Narration Boxing, "I'll be honest." Jason, I already dislike you immensely because I've only read two versions of you: when you were alive and everyone hated you in the 80s, and when you were rebooted her in The New 52. You never shined in either of them. And now you're beginning a comic by saying, "I'll be honest." You know who uses that phrase? People who are never honest. You know when they say that phrase? Either when they're finally being honest or when they want you to believe their next fucking lie. You never put yourself in a good light when you begin a sentence saying, "I ain't trying to lie" or "Honestly" or "Truth be told" or anything that indicates you generally enjoy bending the truth a bit.
 
But that's all I've heard you say so far. So, pardon my interruption. Dazzle me!

Okay. Speaking nonsense isn't helping.

Jason Todd is being honest about the things that scared him long before he was dead. Read that last paragraph without the comma and you'll see what the first thing that scared him was. The second thing was not having enough to eat. Probably because his pet dog kept eating all of its own vomit. And the third thing was Superman which Jason Todd implores the person he's speaking to to think about. Perhaps the entire run of Red Hood and the Outlaws is being told in a confessional.

Superman has decided to pay Starfire a visit aboard her new Tamaranean Ship as it flies home toward Earth. I'm making that assumption. They might simply be lost in Sector 2828. He wants to talk but all of The Outlaws are suspicious of him so they'd rather piss him off and have him bust open the ship. Why? Because they all have attitudes and how dare they allow someone with no real authority have a polite conversation with them. But since this is their comic book, Lobdell has Superman threaten them so that whatever happens, Red Hood and the Outlaws didn't start it.

Hey Superman! You've already established that they can hear you and you can hear them, so why don't you just get to the point instead of instigating a space battle?

Instead of dealing with Superman and finding out what he wants (because that would be too easy and keep any conflict from happening), the Outlaws teleport to Earth. And what exactly makes them outlaws? If Jason Todd is really worried about being busted for whatever he's done, why is he working with Batman over in Batman Incorporated? Or do that story have nothing to do with this story because they're so far removed on the level of writing? And what did Roy Harper do? Not that I think he hasn't done a lot of shit that might have upset people, but what is it? If you're going to base this comic book on calling the team "outlaws", at least fucking tell me what they've done! Most mysteriously is Starfire. Why is she wanted? Did I miss something? I easily could have fallen asleep while reading the rest of this series and missed the explanation on the outlaw stuff.

Superman, of course, tracks them to their teleport location instantly. Finally Lobdell wrote something crazy that I'm willing to believe!

Jason Todd, Charmer!

Isabel is the only one saying anything rational and Jason Todd smarts off to her and belittles her chosen life. It's probably a good thing he doesn't tell her how to serve peanuts! "Load them into the chamber and fire them directly into the heads of the customers." I assume that's what he'd suggest because his theory on how to beat Superman is probably dumber than the way I said he'd serve peanuts. "Piss him off and wait for an opening"? What kind of opening are you going to get big enough to defeat Superman with a handgun? I suppose you're counting on Starfire to knock him loopy with one of her kitten kisses.

Superman begins to explain why he's here when Starfire interrupts him and then they all attack him. Fuck you, Lobdell. Fuck you and every other fucking writer that continually sets up these stupid situations simply to get your protagonists to fight the protagonists of other comic book titles. And this one is particularly stupid because Superman has just been trying to speak. Are they afraid he's going to blow out their ear drums with his Super Voice? Do they attack him before he can say a word because of his great reputation as a mesmerist? No, they simply attack him because Jason Todd just got done pointing out how Superman can disintegrate Batman with one funny look. So your options are to either listen to what he has to say, or attack the mightiest person in sector 2814.

Obviously Jason Todd doesn't believe anything he thinks about not trusting Superman. If he really thought Superman was going to harm them, he wouldn't act like a petulant brat. He knows Superman won't hurt them so he acts out. The only thing keeping any of them safe from being killed by Superman is that Superman won't kill them. So why don't they just fucking listen to him? Fuck you, Red Hood and your fucking outlaws. Stop being stupid.

They know that, Superman. They know you have all the power which is why they have to spout off and act like bad ass rebels. Nobody makes them do something they don't want to do! Nobody!

How dare Superman ask them to listen to him? The fucking nerve. Where does this asshole get off? This is a goddamned abuse of power is what this is! I hope these guys kick Superman's ass!

I decided to change teams and support Jason Todd and his Outlaws' mistakes since I never take their side. Well, I'm taking your side today, boys and boobs. I mean, girls!

Superman responds to this with, "Impressive. If you didn't use it against someone who can raise his body temperature to the point that silicon burns." Or if you didn't use it against someone that doesn't need to breathe.

Starfire suggests the Outlaws work as a team and fucking cocky ass Superman suggests that it won't help them at all. What an overpowered douchebag. Hey Superman! You're the reason Marvel Fanboys point to DC and lay on the hate. "Superman is not interesting because he's so powerful. And he has no flaws because he's a boy scout. How is that interesting? And he wears his underwear on the outside of his suit. What a pervert." Except he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside of his suit anymore. And he's not a boy scout anymore either! He's a rebel going up against The Man. Hmm, maybe DC has been listening to all of the complaints over the years! Except he's still stupidly powerful.

Finally, Isabel brokers a deal between these warring factions.

I'm pretty sure Superman knows how to send a text but seeing that it would come from "Clark Kent", it's probably not the best idea.

And just like that, the fighting stops. This wasn't a Mexican Standoff. This was a Japanese Standoff. Neither side could figure out how to back down without someone feeling shame so they needed to continue the charade until a neutral party could step in and stop the conflict by sharing blame equally. As soon as Isabel gets them to stop, Superman explains why he wanted to speak with Starfire. And it takes one fucking panel. That whole fight was just as much Superman's fault as the rest of them. Superman could easily have flown out of range of the conflict and still directed the question directly toward Starfire's face and then she could have whispered the answer and he'd still have heard it. Or, you know, Superman could get his own cell phone and gather up the numbers of all of Earth's other heroes and semi-heroes! Clark Kent could get those numbers easy with his investigative journalism powers.

Superman is investigating Helspont. Remember when Helspont's butler went around nearly defeating Martian Manhunter and Starfire and maybe some other aliens that I've forgotten about? Superman is trying to get to the bottom of Helspont's plans. And then Superman begins a sentence with, "The truth of the matter is...." Fucking liar.

What fucking crimes have they committed? What are you talking about?!

Superman leaves after he gets to say "Altrailian Starbuster." Also, the Altrailians designed their weapons with safeties just like Earth weapons! Smart people, those Altrailians. Then Roy wonders, "Man, was that guy a jerk--or was it me?" I think they were all jerks because that's the only character Scott Lobdell can write.

Oh! And you can't forget the moment where someone interrupts the flow of the story to remember that they have a secret plot idea reserved for later!

Don't give too many details! Lobdell can think up what this means later.

Everyone heads back to Gotham to return Isabel to her apartment even though I'm pretty sure she was from Florida. I guess being a flight attendant means she's from wherever the fuck she wants to be from. After Jason Todd fucks her and showers, he finds her dying on the floor of a drug overdose. Either this was the best date ever or someone is trying to fuck with Jason Todd.

Oh yeah! I forgot about that guy!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. Let's count the flaws: a fight between good guys (or semi-good guys. Whatever). A bunch of characters acting like temperamental brats. A single panel drop of a mystery plot to make it seem like Lobdell is planning things as opposed to actually planning things. Jason Todd in the shower. The New 52's version of Roy Harper. Scott Lobdell. Pascal Alixe's fat faces. I'm sure there were more but isn't that enough?

Wonder Woman #14

Whenever I see Cliff Chiang's work on the cover, I get excited. And then I see the names of the creative team and disappointment fills my very being.

For all I care, Cliff Chiang can do the art of all the comic books I read. Perhaps DC could keep a few of their other current artists so Cliff wouldn't feel overworked. Maybe Diogenes Neves. And Rafa Sandoval who is brand new to me over in Catwoman but I'm really enjoying. I like Guillem March's stuff. Greg Capullo is knocking Batman out of the park each month. I could probably stand Brett Booth and Kenneth Rocafort if they were working with better writers. Pete Woods is kind of in the same boat. I like his stuff but I never mention it because he's working on that shithole Legion Lost right now. I guess Tony Akins can keep filling in for Cliff as well. He's doing a good job on Wonder Woman except he's not Cliff Chiang! There are probably a bunch of artists I'm forgetting because 52 comic books are hard to keep track of, especially when their creative teams change all of the time.
Oh! And don't forget Rob Liefeld. Genius stuff. Amazing. He's on another level than the rest of those guys I mentioned.

Anyway! Quick recap on last issue: Wonder Woman was off searching for Siracca (unless it was spelled differently), one of her demi-god siblings, to help her and Lennox get Zola's baby back. And while that was going on, some weird shit was going down in Antarctica.

Is this guy one of the Titans? Maybe he escaped from N.O.W.H.E.R.E.!

One of the scientists gets up the nerve to speak with this monster and tells it that it has been buried for seven thousand years. The creature informs the scientist that he wasn't buried; he was digging his way out of the center of the Earth. His captivity was because of his father, Zeus. This giant of a man is the first born of Zeus. I don't know what that makes him!

Back in the crypt where Wonder Woman and Siracca are fighting, Siracca decides to tell Wonder Woman a little bit about her childhood. It was a pretty short childhood, as childhoods go. She was a shepherd in Palestine in 1917 when she was visited by her father's wife.

Spoiler Alert: This won't end well.

Hera tore Siracca apart, reducing her to dust and sand and grit. But I guess Siracca eventually pulled herself back together. Somewhat. Because now she's trying to kill Wonder Woman because Wonder Woman is currently subletting a room of her apartment to Hera.

Apparently Zeus put Siracca back together as best he could. Now she's a head on a half-skeleton body that floats around haunting things. Come on, Siracca. Say, "Thank you, daddy." Even though Wonder Woman can kick anybody's ass in the DCnU, her second best talent making people like her. And that's the talent she uses on the angry little half-girl.

I hope she becomes Wonder Woman's sidekick.

Up on Olympus, Apollo has taken Zeus's throne and he really should be regretting it by now. Since he's taken the throne, he's worried about nothing but one of his siblings killing him for it. Are the God's cursed to never really listen to or understand prophecy? Apollo's oracles told him that a child of Zeus will murder to gain the throne. But he decided to take the empty throne anyway because he figured he can control things and change fate. But prophecy takes into account the things people do to try to avoid the prophecy! That's the way it always happens. Another example of this exists right here in this comic book concerning The First Born of Zeus!

This prophecy is so typical you'd think somebody would have learned how to counter it by now! Except you can't! If you let the child live, it'll grow up to take your throne. If you have the child killed, it will somehow survive and then return to take your throne! You can't fucking beat these things. They're foolproof!

So now we've got two prophecies that will likely go hand-in-hand. Apollo believes he must fears Zola's child, for some reason. But it looks like Apollo should fear The First Born that he doesn't even know about. I think the First Born will take Olympus without shedding blood. And then Zola's child (who still might be Zeus!) will spill The First Born's blood to take the throne of Olympus. And Zeus will be back on the throne without that damn prophecy of his First Born hanging over his head. So, um, maybe Zeus did find a way to beat the prophecy!

Meanwhile Wonder Woman's half-sister lets Wonder Woman in on why she's needed. She can hear anything said anywhere since she is the wind. She demonstrates by listening to a bunch of commonly said speech bubbles carried to her by the breeze.

100 Bullets is apparently canon in the New 52. And this might be the first time Perry White says, "Great Caeser's Ghost!" in The New 52.

Siracca then tells Wonder Woman about their other brother, Milan, living in New York. Wonder Woman heads off to find this sibling, leaving Siracca in the desert. Maybe she can't leave the area. I hope she can though and she joins them later after Hera is out of their hair.

The last couple pages show Highfather telling Orion that the Source of All Knowledge has seen it's own ending which would mean the ending of all time. The threat to its existence has been located on Earth. And that's where Highfather is sending Orion. Next issue: Gods versus Gods versus Gods! And, um, maybe even some more Gods too!

Wonder Woman #14 Rating: No change. I have a pretty good feeling that I figured out what's going on with the throne of Olympus between Apollo and The First Born and the child of Zeus spilling blood to gain the throne plot. I will happily be surprised if it ends up being different though. As for how The New Gods are going to tie in to this plot, I don't know. Maybe they'll just bring their own plot for a few issues which will put the search for Zola's baby on the back burner. Ha ha. I said, "Baby on the back burner."

Catwoman #14

Is this the first ever picture of Catwoman fully zipped up?

Last issue was the first Catwoman Death of the Family tie-in. How do I know this? Because the cover was the Joker Mask cover worn by Selina Kyle. Why did I wonder if this was a mistake? Because the Joker never fucking appeared in the comic book. Okay, he might have appeared as a man in the shadows who Catwoman gave chase to. And he may have been the one that set Selina up to be a part in a gigantic and deadly chess game on the rooftops of Gotham. But The Joker never made an appearance! Catwoman ended the issue cradling a small child pulled from an exploding Pawn Costume with the word Checkmate written on the wall next to her.

This issue finally bangs the bride, so to speak. Is that a saying? Did I use it correctly if it is a saying?

At the very least, I know Nocenti is writing this since The Joker sounds like one of her Narration Boxes from Green Arrow. Here's a thought: make The Joker sound like The Joker.

So The Joker was behind the chess game. Or else he just infiltrated the chess game to get to Catwoman. Who cares, right? As long as last issue led to this moment where Catwoman has to go with The Joker to save the kid. Being that she's been acting like a hero in every single appearance she's made in The New 52, what can she do? She has to sacrifice herself to save some unknown ankle biter that doesn't even have a home to run off to. So Catwoman goes with The Joker and ends up on a death ride in Elliot Beach Amusement Park. How many abandoned amusement parks does Gotham have? Nightwing's Amusement Park was called Amusement Mile, wasn't it? So this is a completely different place with a completely different Ferris Wheel with a completely different run-down bunch of rides.

The Joker tortures Catwoman for awhile and then lets her know what he wants from her: stop fucking Batman.

I think The Joker is jealous!

Selina slips on the new Catsuit designed by I'm A Fucking Lunatic, Inc. in a series of panels you won't want to miss if you're a big fan of Catwoman T & A. And then the Joker asks the question that everybody has been asking since Catwoman #1 appeared on the shelves.

Okay, not everybody has been asking that.

Her reaction to this question in the following panels answers why her costume has stayed zipped down through the entire run.

Okay, okay! We get it! You like it zipped down! I'll stop fucking mentioning it!

Catwoman could easily have defeated The Joker but he's not one for fighting fair. He's coated the inside of the new Catsuit with a paralysis drug. I knew she should have simply kick boxed him in her underwear! Well, I didn't actually know it. But I wished she had done that! Selina has got to stop acting from moment to moment and think ahead sometimes. But I guess she wouldn't be much of a cat person if she actually thought about consequences and stopped simply thinking about her immediate desires. So putting on a suit made by The Joker without thinking that it's some kind of trap absolutely makes sense with how we've seen Catwoman act time and time again on impulse.

The Joker points out another thing that has been happening again and again in this comic book: The Batman keeps saving Catwoman's ass.

This is the way I see it. Batman is making Catwoman weak instead of the other way around. The Joker is going to do Catwoman more good than he does Batman by breaking up this relationship.

After this, there's a strange two page scene that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but might later. The Joker transports Catwoman up to some stands in the sky where he's placed some corpses dressed like playing cards (Italian playing cards, I guess, since he claims there are "knight" cards), lots and lots of crows, and a sparkly nest for Catwoman. This all plays up the Narration Boxes Catwoman thought at the beginning of last issue where she adored Crows for packing their nest with shiny things. But The Joker isn't psychic, so he's apparently simply well researched with his new little black book full of secrets.

The Joker wins the game of Strip Poker with a full house that isn't a full house at all since he has kings, queens, and knights in his hand. At least Selina seems to understand Poker since she accuses The Joker of cheating. This causes The Joker to supposedly tell a tale about his childhood.

Why is The Joker using the term "gobsmacked"? At least he's using it incorrectly.

Since The Joker is obviously not actually giving away any secrets about himself and his previous life, he must be telling a story about Selina's mystery brother. Of course The Joker knows more about Selina than Selina knows about herself because he has the secrets to everybody in his Little Black Book. Except he might not actually have those secrets! So this story he's making up might just be exactly that: a story he's making up! I'm the king of logic, bitches!

The Joker lets her go so she can take a shower before meeting up with her again the next night.

Yes, The Joker somehow got a truck into the girders of an unfinished skyscraper.

While Selina is thinking about Batman's new problem (which suddenly became her problem), The Joker runs her off her thinking platform high in the sky. Is this her usual thinking spot (her crow's nest from last issue)? Is that how The Joker knew she would be here? Or maybe The Joker simply has an ice truck on the ledges of every building in Gotham in case he's in need of an emergency hit and run on the edge of a building?

By the end of the night, Catwoman realizes The Joker is just trying to use her to get to Batman somehow. And she decides to have no part of it.

Catwoman is a liar. She just whispered to herself before being hit by an Ice Truck that she needed Batman!

But this is all The Joker actually cares about. He wanted to hear it from Catwoman that she isn't interested in domesticating his Batman. Since The Joker's main concern is to rid The Batman of everyone in his life that's making him soft, he doesn't need Catwoman coming to his party. She's unreliable anyway. But at least The Joker doesn't feel he needs to worry about her making Batman soft. I think that was a dick joke.

Catwoman #14 Rating: No change. The Joker didn't sound like The Joker and the situations he set up to torture Catwoman were ridiculous. But then he's The Joker so I should just let all of that slide. He can act however he wants to act. Who am I to say what The Joker should be?! Catwoman, once again, just seemed to react to every situation The Joker threw at her without ever coming up with a plan herself. I'm still loving the new artist and that's probably why this book didn't drop a rank this month. It's very nice to look at.

One last thing: The Joker hands Catwoman a slip of paper at one point when he's offering to reveal secrets. It says "cAtwOman hATes mICE." Is this a clue to reveal something about Selina's past? Was the whole game revealing small bits of information to her? The rooftop chess game? The boy stolen from an orphanage? The amusement park? The mention of being delayed at divorce court while a family gets ripped apart? The repeated mention of Mice, of squeaking rats? The father that deals with meat? The ways to skin a cat: kidnapping, centrifugal force, strip poker, and piranhas (and/or teeth?)? "A O At Ice?" And what about her middle man for this entire thing? Trip Winter? I'm fairly certain a lot of these things will add up to Catwoman finding her mystery brother and her real name.