Justice League #14

If this actually happened, Batman's neck would be broken and his head popped off his fucking body.

How did Superman let himself get infected with the Werecheetah spit at the end of last issue? Can't this guy stop his heart from beating so the poison saliva couldn't circulate throughout his body? Seriously, if he doesn't need to breathe, he doesn't need his heart beating. This could be a magic curse but since it took place by a bite and is playing out like a werewolf bite, I've got to believe it's a disease. I'm not sure if it's been stated anywhere that Superman doesn't have to breathe but it's been shown that Supergirl doesn't need to breathe. Or eat. Or drink. Or sleep. As long as she is full of sunlight, she doesn't need to do anything that a normal body needs to do to keep functioning. Like shitting. I'm assuming Superman is the same way. And if they don't need to eat or breathe, why do they need their blood pumping, right? Come on, Superman! Take some classes in meditation so you can slow down your heart beat to nothing and prevent things like this from happening in the first place.

Unless it's magic. Then, you know, nevermind.

Once Superman transforms and loses control, he wouldn't be pulling his punches because he's a possessed monster now. So let's see how many times the other members of the Justice League would have died this issue if not for Geoff Johns pulling some writing punches.

Apparently none of them would have died because a mysterious woman appears to blow a horn which incapacitates Superman after only Wonder Woman was nearly strangled by Superman. And I can live with Wonder Woman being able to handle Superman's "can lift six times the Earth's weight" strength crushing her larynx. I think. Can I? She is Zeus's child, so yes.

I hate how often and how naturally everyone in comics finishes everyone else's sentences. Hey, Aquaman! Don't fucking think you know what Batman's going to say! He's like three times smarter than you or something.

Since Aquaman has limited telepathy, maybe he can read Batman's thoughts. Although I still don't know exactly how Aquaman's telepathy works or what creatures it can work on. Can he only command creatures that live in the water to do things? Or is there a kind of two way communication that happens? Perhaps Aquaman has to bribe the creatures to do favors for him. So in-between comics, Aquaman is providing the promised hand jobs to the Great White Sharks for their service to him in the Darkseid War.

Also, Wonder Woman's butt looks really nice in that panel above.

Flash and Wonder Woman and Aquaman go after The Cheetah but she seems to be just as fast as The Flash and a better fighter, so he gets his tendons torn up yet again. I guess his metabolism allows him to heal super fast though, so he'll be okay again in a few panels.

Batman and Cyborg hang out with the native woman with the horn to try and find out how to help Superman. Cyborg uses some translation software to allow them all to communicate but I think it's a bit buggy.

So you need to pray to the Gods and Goddesses that are as spoiled as The Cheetah?

Once The Flash's leg heals, he shoves Cheetah's claws deep into his chest. That'll show her! Apparently the big plan is for The Flash to be hobbled and near death which will put The Cheetah off guard so she won't notice that they've lured her next to a gigantic river where Aquaman can tell a bunch of fish to throw themselves at her.

And over at the Saving Superman Site, the unknown woman with the horn begins pouring unknown blood into Superman's neck wound. And Batman lets her! Shouldn't he test the blood first? And then see how it'll react to Kryptonian physiology?! Did Batman suddenly decide to throw all caution to the wind after seventy years of acting otherwise? To be fair, Batman and Robin did spend a number of those years acting really goofy. So maybe it's a bit less time than I first stated.

While The Flash is super fast and can't lay a hand on The Cheetah, Wonder Woman wades right in and begins busting Cheetah chops. I suppose Cheetahs are fast so being fast isn't really going to help defeat her. But Cheetah is also a God as is Wonder Woman (okay, okay. Half God). And Wonder Woman knows how to fight, so The Flash should just sit out and play Crime Scene Detective. Meanwhile, Aquaman is nowhere to be seen.

While filling Superman with her strange blood, Hara the Horn Lady tells Batman the tale of The Cheetah. It's a long story so I'll let her tell it.

TL;DR: There's a knife called The Godslayer in the DCnU!

This tribe wants their God back so they want to kill Barbara Minerva. Then the Cheetah God will be released and can possess someone without being corrupted by The Godslayer blade. Or something. But guess what? None of that matters because The Justice League isn't going to kill The Cheetah simply to save the lives of an entire tribe that depend on their animal God's help. Fuck them! Fucking third world problems. A civilized Justice League can't kill one person to save hundreds of others. What kind of choice is that? Better to not get your hands dirty and let hundreds of people die through action of your own just so you don't have to get your hands dirty. They should figure out another way to live. Get a new fucking patron God, you lazy tribesmen! Maybe The Goat. Or The Anteater. But don't ask Batman to kill someone! Until he can rid the world of The Joker, he's just going to sit back on his ideals and let the world go to hell any time it means blood must be spilled.

The Cheetah is finally captured when Wonder Woman kicks her into the river and Aquaman hits her with a bunch of fish. Hey, not any kind of fish! These are African Demon Fish! If you're a white person reading that last sentence, the "African" part probably scared you more than the "Demon" part.

I wonder how many Tumblr followers I just lost with that last sentence? Anybody out there old enough to remember the seventies or eighties news threats of "Africanized" bees coming up from Mexico? Geez! Talk about a headline meant to scare the shit out of white middle class suburbanites! "Africanized whats from Mexico?!"

And then comes the big surprise reveal that I'm going to spoil right here instead of those normal reviews out there that would rather spoil by dropping really lame hints that they think won't spoil the fucking comic anyway. "The Cheetah ends up in prison where she apparently wants to be because a certain "Legion" that brings "Doom" to the world is making plans. Heh heh heh."

OMG OMG OMG! I hope they still have their swampy giant-headed headquarters!

Afterwards, Batman uncovers another big super shocking twist secret. Barbara Minerva wasn't corrupted by The Cheetah or The Godslayer! The Cheetah was corrupted by Barbara because she's a big bad criminal type! I hope she finds a good Super Villain gig with some "legion" or "doom"sday cult!

And then Superman and Wonder Woman fuck in a field in Smallville . . .

. . . while The Batperv watches via satellite.

Doesn't Superman ever wash his cape? Shouldn't he occasionally bathe it in radiation to clean it up? Or dip it in the sun? Kryptonian Dry Cleaning! How long is Batman's tracker going to be on Supes' cape? Batman's tracer is probably indestructible anyway. Who am I kidding? Hmm, I think I should have said "Who am I kidding?" before I said "Batman's tracer is probably indestructible anyway."

The back-up story returns to the world of SHAZAM! after the brief but boring interlude with Steve Trevor and Oliver Queen drinking in a bar. Those guys suck toast.

This chapter of SHAZAM! highlights Black Adam returning to the city. It's a brilliant rewrite of Action Comics #1 where Superman drops Glenmorgan from the top of a skyscraper to scare him into admitting his guilt in corporate shenanigans. Black Adam takes the CEO of a corporation being picketed by its employees and drops him from a skyscraper as well. Except Black Adam doesn't catch him before he hits the pavement. Black Adam is basically the Superman that Batman fears. He has the power to change the world and to help people and he'll use it however he feels justified.

Yay! Black Adam for World President/Dictator!

Next on Black Adam's list of things to do is to find the manifestations of The Seven Deadly Sins and recruit them to his side. With their help, he will remake the world and it will be a happy go lucky place for all mankind. As long as they do what Black Adam says.

Justice League #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Legion of Doom is coming! The Legion of Doom is coming! I think I just ruined my underwear!