Detective Comics #13

This month: No Rob Liefeld. No J.T. Krul. No Tony S. Daniel. Things are looking up!

Apparently Batman justifies his over-the-top violence by participating in monetary offsets.

Except you're doing it wrong, Batman! If you're creating a lot of business for those careers, why do they need monetary help? You should be donating to some sort of health insurance program for people brought to justice by The Batman.

I guess Bruce Wayne's rationale is that a lot of these criminals going in for emergency surgery on their jaws, arms, ribs, legs, spines, skulls, and whatever other bones exist won't have insurance or the ability to pay. Which would make a normal person think, "Why am I putting down and out people in the hospital when they get desperate and commit a crime? Perhaps there is a better way?" But why bother with a better way when you can just assuage your guilt by throwing money at people already making good money? Just think how many people you could have helped with that money! And what about all of the money you've spent on weapons to fight crime? That probably could have been put to better use as well!

Now I just sound like Judas chastising Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar.

One thing definitely hasn't changed with the change in the creative team:

The huge double splash pages!

Batman is on patrol when a sniper in a Japanese demon mask gets him in his sights. He asks for permission to take him out but his controller denies him. The only person they're supposed to be taking out that night is Bruce Wayne. Oh the irony!

The Penguin has ordered the hit on Bruce Wayne because he doesn't want him near the commemoration of the Martha Wayne Wing of the Neville Community Center. I don't know why he doesn't want him there! The wing is being named after his mother! And why does The Penguin need him killed simply to keep him from being there? What are you planning, The Penguin? Are you interested in it because it's "a wing"? Aaaaack ack ack ack ack!

The Penguin is also making plans to keep The Batman busy all night so that he won't interfere. Now Batman is running around Gotham putting out fires (not literal fires! Figurative fires! Like robberies and homicide and arson! Oh, except that last one!) and the Neville Community Center is surrounded by sniper Ghost Dragons who "do not fail." No wonder the sniper wasn't allowed to take a shot at Batman. Besides believing he's bullet proof (he is!), they also don't want him suddenly taking an interest in whatever The Penguin is up to.

The night has barely started and it seems Batman has already figured out that someone is trying to keep him busy.

They don't call him The Dark Knight for nothing! I mean, the World's Greatest Detective!

You know one nickname he doesn't have? The Dark Knight Grammarian.

Batman has also figured out how the mystery person is keeping him busy. All of the robberies he's stopped tonight had the same security system with a flaw that allows the alarm to be triggered remotely. He sends Nightwing off to take care of robberies in a few businesses he knows has the same security system and heads off to attend the Martha Wayne Wing commemoration.

Gotham criminals are stupid. Trying to rob a fictional tale about jewelry.

As Batman nears the Community Center, he notices a sniper on the roof. One last distraction to deal with before he gets to the dedication. But while he's being stalled, The Penguin reveals his plan. He just wants Gotham to love him like they love Bruce Wayne. He's keeping Bruce Wayne away so he can donate some money himself and get the wing named after the Cobblepots. Along with the donation, he also offers up a nice, juicy threat. The Penguin is obviously keeping Batman busy because who wants the Batman showing up to knock out your teeth after you've had Bruce Wayne killed.

And even though Batman figures it all out and Bruce Wayne isn't killed, The Penguin manages to succeed!

It's as if The Penguin just dug up the corpse of Martha Wayne and pissed in her mouth.

Ha ha! Take that, Batman! The Penguin just...well, he sort of...I mean, he...what the fuck. Except for the threat, where's the crime? And maybe the attempted murder of Bruce Wayne. And possibly a bribe although any court would have to allow that it was a donation. Maybe conspiracy by giving out the information for all of the robberies during the night? But getting the wing renamed after his mother instead of yours? I'm pretty sure worse people have done worse things in this shitty town.
I guess Bruce Wayne just doesn't take kindly to being shown up in public. If only he'd made a larger donation! If only he'd listened to Alfred and arrived at the event on time! If only he'd done his detective work quicker! But now he's failed his mother. Poor baby.

The Penguin realizes the night has gone beautifully and there's no reason to have Wayne killed now as it would look a little bit suspicious. So he calls off the hit on Bruce Wayne. Except the Ghost Dragons, like Lobo and Deathstroke and every other mercenary in the comic book world, don't accept failure and don't quit on a job before it's complete. So before The Penguin can gloat directly in Bruce Wayne's face, the leader of the Ghost Dragons breaks in and attacks Bruce Wayne.

That's the cliffhanger part of the comic. I don't know what happens next. The next issue blurb says, "Next: Tangled up in Ivy!" I suspect that's a clue as to a villain Batman might encounter next issue. Perhaps the Floronic Man! He's on my mind because Poison Ivy mentioned Jason Woodrue in Swamp Thing #13. Now the name, "Floronic Man," won't get out of my fucking head.

The back-up story takes place a week before the main story and is about The Penguin's right hand man, Ogilvy, as he and a new recruit steal the codes for the alarm systems in the main story. He's teaching the new recruit how to survive in Gotham City by being smart. Ultimately the new recruit proves to be too smart and Ogilvy kills him because being too smart isn't smart in Gotham City's underworld. The end!

Detective Comics #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. Holy shit! Detective Comics is moving up the charts! It's got a long way to go to make up for how badly Tony Daniel fouled it. But it now has a little less of his stink on it. This may also be the first Detective Comics where the back-up story was actually well done and interesting. And I like how it tied in to The Penguin story and followed his right hand man on a caper. So good work to both writers. I guess John Layman, the man behind Chew, shouldn't have surprised me with a good story. And the artists did their job as well. They just didn't have any particular style that thrilled me. The art worked but didn't stand out.

Swamp Thing #13

Shouldn't Deadman be some kind of harbinger of The Rot? Or is there a spirit realm called The Silver or The Gold?

Swampy's turn to realize just how badly he and Buddy Baker fucked up by being lured into The Rot's Dungeon of Doom for just a few minutes. The Earth has been destroyed by The Rot and only a small oasis known as The Red Kingdom survives. Since this comic book is called "The Green Kingdom," I should probably update that statement to say two small oases survive. But I don't know that for sure yet! Maybe The Green Kingdom refers to Poison Ivy's womb. Or Deadman's anus. Why not? Look at Swamp Thing's look on the cover! That's a "You've got to be joking" look if I ever saw one.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy looking super fantastic.

Deadman is also looking at his best here. I've become a huge fan of Yanick Paquette on this title.

I don't know why Deadman is traveling with Poison Ivy. Perhaps Justice League Dark are some of the few people to have survived in Rotworld so they're splitting their members amongst the remaining bands of survivors. Constantine and Black Orchid with The Red and Deadman and Zatanna hanging out with The Green.

During his interrogation, Swamp Thing learns that a full year has passed since entering The Rot and that the world has become one gigantic pile of cancerous shit. Deadman and Ivy are as amazed as Steel, Black Orchid, and Beast Boy that Alec Holland and Buddy Baker still live. But it's too late to do anything, right? Better just to let Abby Arcane fix things in real time.

One year earlier, Abigail Arcane is also looking super fantastic.

The most attractive thing about her is that she just looks so fucking comfortable in those clothes.

While Abby's lost in thoughts of the home of her youth, black ooze streams out of the airplane's restroom and enters into an old man. Isn't that the opposite of how that usually goes?

In Rotworld, bathrooms foul you! Ah ha ha ha!

Back in Rotworld, Swamp Thing makes his way to The Green Kingdom hidden above the Earth at the top of a large stalk. The Parliament of Trees still live and they explain how Anton destroyed the world while Swamp Thing and Animal Man were away. Only beings with a connection to The Red or The Green could be saved. And maybe a few exceptions like Steel who made himself into a robot to avoid rotting and John Constantine who can't be killed due to some deal he made when saving himself from lung cancer. Or just because he's simply too cool to kill.

I like how Rotworld is giving the reader glimpses of other DC Characters that have yet to make an appearance in The New 52. Even if they're dead like Giganta here.

Swamp Thing asks about Abby Arcane but before the Parliament can answer (unless silence is their answer), a rumble shakes The Green. The bottom of the stalk is being attacked. Poison Ivy, Deadman, and their army of fake Swamp Things head down to defend. The Rot has sent some of its transformed heroes to do the job. But this time the real Swamp Thing is here to beat them back.

Rotworld has to be some kind of alternate timeline because Red Robin doesn't look anything like Harvest here!

During the fight, Swamp Thing takes off Kid Flash's head and Poison Ivy throws a wooden sword through Red Robin's face. But since they're Rotten versions of themselves, I don't think those wounds matter. I'm still not sure how anyone is supposed to destroy The Rot! Perhaps compost it and use it as nutrients for creatures of The Red and The Green? I think the only way to kill The Rot is to eat it! Oh, unless you're an Agent of SHADE. Then you have some kind of organic destroying mega bomb. That seemed to work.

During the battle (which will apparently conclude in Issue #14 as Swamp Thing faces off against Rotten Superboy), the Parliament of Trees discuss whether they should tell Alec what happened to Abby one year ago. They believe she died trying to return home to stop The Rot before the war could even start. But The Rot took over everyone on the plane she was on. And since The Rot began in Europe, this must be the moment Anton Arcane's war began. But did Abby really die? Yeah, probably not.

I have a feeling Anton Arcane's real trap was not having time advance by one year but the creation of this Rotworld simulation that is meant to distract Buddy and Alec from helping out in the real world. He's playing mind games with them by making them believe even their loved ones have died. But in the meantime, their loved ones are fighting to stop the world from falling apart. They'll probably need to enter Rotworld themselves at some point to pull Buddy and Alec out of it so that Buddy and Alec can save the world. Part of that will be Ellen tracking down Frankenstein so that he can help them enter Rotworld because Justice League Dark mentioned she would have to find the Green One and they didn't mean Swamp Thing. I think Abby will be able to get into Rotworld on her own since she was meant to be their Avatar anyway.

Swamp Thing #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. Thankfully, Rotworld is off to a really good start. One year into The New 52 and I've had it with continuity and world building! Let these writers and their stories off the leash! The thing I like so far about Rotworld is that anything can happen here. Fuck you, Jonni DC! Snyder and Lemire are gonna fuck some shit up. And then we'll find it's all a dream or a simulation or a hallucination. But that's okay. I'm just here for the shit that's going to get fucked up.

Animal Man #13

If only Hawkman were really dead! Although his comic might get better now that Tony Daniels and Rob Liefeld are far, far away from it.

The Prelude to Rotworld left Animal Man a full year into the future. He and Swamp Thing had spent just a small amount of time in The Grey but that translated to much longer in the real world. Now Animal Man is back and everything is completely fucked up. Just look at Hawkman on the cover! It looks like Liefeld is still drawing him. Look at those feet!

Animal Man has just a minute or so to realize he's on Earth and he can feel The Red but it's very weak. He remembers leaving his family in the swamp and then he's attacked by disfigured Hawkman. Buddy tries to talk with him but when has that ever worked against THE SAVAGE HAWKMAN! It's all fisticuffs from here on out! Neither Hawkman or Animal Man is really winning the fight when Hawkman is suddenly beheaded by Black Orchid who has appeared with some allies.

I don't know why but this page made me feel like I was 12 years old again and reading Crisis on Infinite Earths. That's a good thing!

Apparently taking Rotten Hawkman's head off doesn't kill the beast. Remember? Killing The Rot just makes it deader which makes it Rottier. Or something. So Beast Boy jumps back into the battle and in three panels (including that one above), Jeff Lemire makes Beast Boy feel more like Beast Boy than in all of The Culling and Ravagers comics combined.

Simple is so much better than box after box of inner monologue and than dozens of long-winded speech balloons.

After Hawkman is splattered across the zoo, introductions are made. That big iron Superman guy? Of course that's Steel. He was first seen in that Sholly Fisch back-up story in one of the issues of Action Comics. He's gone through some changes. The other two are, of course, Beast Boy and Black Orchid. When Buddy Baker introduces himself, they exchange looks of stunned disbelief and take him back with them into The Red.

The action then shifts back to before Rotworld took over the world. Ellen and Maxine have left the site of Buddy's entrance into The Gray and have gone out to look for Cliff. Maxine feels that Cliff is with a rotting person. I don't know how the whole thing is going to come together, but I have a feeling that Maxine, Ellen, Cliff, and Abby Arcane are going to have to be the major players to stop this Rotworld thing from coming about. As for Animal Man and Swamp Thing supposedly being a year into the future on a destroyed Earth? I don't know. Possibly a simulation within The Grey? Because I have no idea how this will be resolved otherwise!

Back in Rotworld, John Henry tells Buddy how it all went down. The Rot spread fast and turned even the most powerful Super Heroes into decaying agents.

Ha ha! The Ravagers are dead along with Hawkman! I love Rotworld!

Buddy and his new crew arrive at The Red. It's just an oasis in the middle of Rotworld. It's composed of the Totems bodies and is a haven for the last living animals on Earth. One of those animals is John Constantine. Of course!

I wonder if he ever found the Books of Magic?

Back before Rotworld, Ellen, Maxine, and Grandma finally catch up to Cliff. He's acting strange and wearing vampire teeth and black contact lenses. Ellen hugs him and tries to make him feel normal again but he vomits up a disgusting fleshy thing which shoves itself down Ellen's throat. Now Cliff and Ellen are both puppets of The Rot. It's only Nana and Maxine left to save the world!

Animal Man #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wasn't sure I was really interested in another long crossover event. But I really like this. Especially since all of the heroes crossing over into this story line are out of continuity and anything can happen. That's far more interesting even if it does turn out to be a "dream" or a "future that never happens." Whatever! I like seeing Hawkman and the Ravagers killed!

Dial H #5

Boring. No Dial Heroes to guess the names of on the cover.

At the end of last issue, Nelson (as Rotary Man) and Squid the Kid were about to face off against Ex Nihilo who was currently dialed in as a character I believe is Swiss Army Knight. The most important revelation for me is what Ex Nihilo's character's name is so that I can gloat that I guessed another one correctly!

Apparently that's not China's major story telling concern because the first couple of pages don't reveal the name. What they do reveal is that Ex Nihilo would still rather use her Nullomancer powers than her Swiss Army Knight's powers.

What a waste of resources! Although I guess that's the only way for a Nullomancer to work. If the Nullomancer wasted nothing then it would be wasting its main resource!

While Squid the Kid fights Ex Nihilo, Nelson and Manteau sneak off to get Nelson's dial fixed so that he can become something really exciting. Otherwise this comic book is simply about a fat guy and an old woman and who wants to read that story? Well, if it were written by Chris Ware, I might want to read it.
While Manteau fixes the Dial, she gives Nelson a brief history of how she came to find and understand the dials. She majored in Telephony in the sixties. Total square thing to do. But her ideas were so far out that her professors thought she was crazy, man. Eventually she stumbled on the hippie commune drop out change the world scene. These communes and rallies full of flower children and free-love enthusiasts weren't full of people doing drugs and protesting the war. Not even close, man! They were philosophizing and theorizing and warping out a brand new reality, dig?

Okay, maybe a few drugs and peace rallies were happening in between the radical phone philosophy.

By the time Manteau patches up Nelson's Dial again, Wald has changed into a new super hero. Perhaps Swiss Army Knight was so obvious that China didn't feel the need to name it. But the new hero Wald turns into is on Manteau dialed up a long time ago. So she names it before I get a guess in.

I was hoping for Captain Carrot.

Ex Nihilo has finally realized that The Abyss cannot be controlled and doesn't give a fuck what a Nullomancer can do. So Ex Nihilo decides to banish it back to the void. But it's too strong. All it wants to do is eat the moon. So Manteau and Nelson need to use the Dial to help stop The Abyss. Too bad only one of them can use it at a time. Nelson wrestles the Dial out of the old woman's hands and uses it to transform. Manteau's reaction is: "We're screwed." Because Nelson dials up a hero named "Cock-a-Hoop."

Thank Jesus it's a chicken.

Cock-a-Hoop and Hairbringer begin working together to defeat The Abyss. Just when they're about to bring it down by making The Abyss eat nothing which causes it to turn into something, another Dial Hero flies out of The Abyss's head! Looks like the original Dial Hero that banished The Abyss many years ago did indeed find himself banished along with The Abyss. And in their time exiled together, it looks like they've become partners. So this new guy is coming to The Abyss's rescue. And he knows how to use the dial! He changes from one form to the next as he needs different powers. I'll name all of his forms. Feel free to guess too since none of the names are revealed!

He emerges from The Abyss as Abyssonaut.

Then she turns into The Rocketess.

After which she becomes The Purple Paladin.

Which changes into the Dumb Dumb Squadron.

They turn into Tinkerbot.

Which finally turns into The Shining Rhino.

This Dialer switches off Ex Nihilo's Dial, causing her to plummet to her death. It then flies back into Abyss which has become a gigantic statue of Void Shit due to eating other pieces of Void. Squid the Kid says that his people have a theory that the entire universe is composed of Null Creature Shit. Then he dies. Not bad for last words, I guess.

So the moon is safe and Ex Nihilo is dead and Abyss has gone to shit and the mystery guy has left Earth for now. Between the end of this issue and the beginning of the next one, Nelson needs to get his Dial fixed. And keep Manteau from hogging it.

Dial H #5 Rating: No change. The story wrapped up about as well as I expected. Nelson was mostly ineffectual throughout the whole thing but he's learning. He had a lot of lucky breaks to stay alive while mostly watching the real plot (Ex Nihilo summoning The Abyss) from the sidelines. As Cock-a-Hoop, he helped turn the battle so that the Moon wasn't eaten. But the Dial thing that came out of The Abyss would have killed him as well as Ex Nihilo if his Dial hadn't conked out during the fight. So he's a very lucky fat man with a skilled old woman sidekick. This could get interesting. Especially if it turns romantic!

Green Arrow #13

Ollie really should carry a mace for when combat goes hand to hand.

Okay Ann Nocenti! I'm ready for you. I'm wearing an anti-ass veil so keep your shitty bunghole away! I'm trusting that you've finally reached your peak as a writer after years and years of experience. This story is going to be your masterpiece! This will be the one that will be so uplifting and so crazily entertaining, it will spontaneously repair all the damage from the strokes your stories have previously given me.

Right from the start, she's put a bit of spin on Green Arrow's bullshit. And by spin I mean she's completely changed history.

The catch up box tells the reader that Green Arrow came to China to battle Jin Fang. Perhaps Nocenti is speaking metaphorically since why he really came was to negotiate buying some stocks back from Fang. The box also says that he engineered a hostile takeover. But in Issue #11, Ollie was told Jin Fang had "close to effective control" of the company. Seems to me, Ollie should have calmly refused to buy Fang's stock and then went out and purchased stock from other shareholders. I'm sure he could have dug up enough stock to remain in control since it was blatantly stated that Jin Fang did currently have control of the company. But what do I know? I actually don't care how all of that shareholder crap works since it's all Faustian Economics. You need money for your business? Get a fucking loan and pay it back and keep everyone else's desires and ethics and greed away from the running of your company.

Also, I've never heard of Suzie Ming. I guess she'll show up later to kiss Green Arrow on the mouth.

The issue begins with Green Arrow already making an assault on Fang's house. Apparently Ollie doesn't give a shit about his secret identity. A blonde American business man insults Fang and starts a fight in his house and then a few days later, a blonde American super hero attacks his house. I'm pretty sure Green Arrow is going to have to kill him at this point.

Good thing Fang's kids are there to explain the cultural importance of the Chinese Queue.

Look how smoothly Green Arrow explains his connection to Oliver Queen before Fang can start asking questions! Notice also how Oliver Queen left out that he started the gigantic fight in Fang's home when Queen was telling Green Arrow what happened. I especially like how Fang and Green Arrow continue the discussion about the Wolf Tech trade while they fight. I guess Green Arrow is just going to become Batman to Oliver Queen's Bruce Wayne. Eventually, Fang sends his zombie ancestors after Green Arrow.

Is this moment supposed to be funny? Am I just not getting Ann Nocenti's sense of humor?

Fang's ancestor ghosts are full of whimsy and the ability to speak English. I think Green Arrow might have to resort to a Boxing Glove Arrow or two. Or he might just get his soul sucked out. Too bad this wasn't the Preboot Green Arrow! Wasn't he missing his soul for some reason or another? But he's the Reboot version and he just about loses his soul this time around too! Except Suzie Ming shows up just in time like a good super hero.

The first thing they do is almost kiss! I was just fucking joking, Ann Nocenti!

Suzie Ming saves Green Arrow and they run off to a cemetery to trick Fang's parents into becoming corpses again. While they run there, Ming and Green Arrow have a discussion about Oliver Queen's business. I guess Suzie Ming takes the time to find out the business of everybody visiting China. Even if they sneak in on a stealth jet. She is a super hero! And I don't know her super powers. Maybe she just knows everyone's plans. And to save face, she's pretending not to know that Green Arrow and Oliver Queen are the same person.

She can kill demons and solve business disputes. Suzie Ming is amazing!

With Suzie's help and a plan to play dominoes incorrectly, Green Arrow destroys a bunch of evil statues brought to life by the dead ancestors. And when the final statues topple, they pierce the grandparent corpses with their stone lances. Green Arrow wins through luck again! Now he just needs to send Oliver over to Fang's house so Oliver can apologize, make the deal, and kiss Suzie Ming before leaving China.

Well, at least he manages one of those. He doesn't apologize and he doesn't kiss the girl. But he does give Fang the Wolftech (Hey! My Blood Bowl Team was named the Wolftech Warlords!) but he rigs it so that if Fang uses it, they'll know and can keep tabs on everything he finds out. He then flies back to Seattle where the action from Green Arrow #14 is already beginning.

Yay! A team up between two of the three worst characters currently in the DCnU! If only Grifter could make the party, it would be shittastic.

Maybe Ann Nocenti is going to turn Liefeld's Hawkman Zero Issue into a dream issue like she suggested he do! You know, now that he's gone and he can't defend himself. He deserves it since he ignored everything Higgins was doing on Deathstroke when he took over. I guess fans of the Green Arrow/Hawkman relationship will really enjoy next month's comic. But did the new versions of them hang out like the Justice Society versions did? I don't know because I never cared about either of them.

Green Arrow #13 Rating: No change. Ann Nocenti wrote an issue of Green Arrow that I could tolerate! Some of her plot problems were just extensions of the problems from earlier, so I didn't hold those against her. Basically the this issue ended is the way Issue #11 should have ended. All of the interim violence was due to Oliver Queen acting like a selfish, narcissistic dumb ass.

G.I. Combat #5

When there's trouble you know who to call! THE HAUNTED TANK! From the battlefield he can see it all! THE HAUNTED TANK!

I was really happy that the Zero Issues were over. Most of them were better than I expected but it seemed like the same thing over and over again. DC needs more variety in their heroes. I think half of the Zero Issues were about how someone became Robin. But now that I've got G.I. Combat #5 in my hands, I'm beginning to rethink my position on the Zero Issues. Maybe it was just that the last half of the Zero Issues were the worst of The New 52? Because this isn't a Zero Issue and I'm not looking forward to it at all!

One good thing in this comic book's favor is that J.T. Krul isn't anywhere near it. In fact, I don't think Krul is writing a single comic book for DC this month. And even though that's obviously speculation on my part (see the "I think" part?), some ragged asshole is going to actually the shit out of me because I "haven't read the solicits" or "done my research." One good thing I will say about J.T. Krul is that he's not Ann Nocenti. Holy fuck, she's bad.

The Haunted Tank story begins in a place called "The Red Room." This is different from the Black Room because it's red. It's described as "an unknown area filled with known dangers." How is the area unknown? Who unknows about it? What, then, is The Black Room? A known area filled with unknown dangers? Inside this Red Room is a giant Roman coin, a tapestry made from bones, a pile of Spiderman costumes, a statue with two clawed feet with a crocodile face between the feet and its cock resting on the top of the right foot, a multi-barrel gatling gun, a suit of armor, and The Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank gets a message to "find him now" and it disappears in an expulsion of green ectoplasmic vapours. This also sets off a siren which will alert the people in the unknow about the unknown place!

And then the action moves to a crazy person's house.

This guy's name is Stuart. I can tell he's crazy because his mailbox outside is empty but he has the flag up! That joke is for elderly people.

Meanwhile, the tank is rolling down a highway in Michigan. And it's haunted! Ooo! Spooky!

The military has sent in helicopters to blow the shit out of it. But they don't realize it's scary!

Apparently it also knows Kung Fu.

After the helicopter shoots a missile at it, the Haunted Tank either teleports above the helicopter and drops on it or did a spinning kick right into its rotors. I'm going to have to go with the Karate move since a teleporting tank might explain why it's haunted but a tank that knows judo is scarier than shit! Is shit really scary or was that just me lacking a creative metaphor? Probably a little bit of both.

The Haunted Tank destroys another helicopter with its Haunted .30 caliber mounted machine gun. Then it decides to take a break as the Argus agents swarm all over it and chain it to the ground. Are these guys stupid? Didn't they see the way the Haunted Tank flipped out earlier? No chains can hold this mother fucker!

Holy shit! It can burrow into the ground too!

Jeb Stuart begins bleeding from his ears or his fingers. It's hard to tell! Not because I don't know the difference between ears and fingers but because he's holding his head and then there is blood on his fingers and the sides of his head! Sheesh! You people really don't have any respect for my near average intelligence, do you? Jerks.

Meanwhile, Colonel Steve Trevor gets all the information he can on Jeb Stuart. I guess since the Haunted Tank was in the Red Room of Known Dangers, they know who the tank was teamed with in World War II. And this Stuart guy is a 98 year old veteran of World War II. Now it's Trevor's job to kick this old man's ass and put that Haunted Tank back in its place.

As Jeb Stuart waits for the Haunted Tank, he occasionally speaks to a picture of him with his great grandson Scotty who seems to be in the military as well. Being that Sgt. Rock was updated to be the grandson of the Sgt. Rock that people actually enjoyed reading about, The Haunted Tank is probably on its way to join up with Scott Stuart. Which means Trevor is about to beat the shit out of an old man that doesn't have anything to do with the Haunted Tank flipping out on the highway.

Except I'm completely wrong and the Haunted Tank actually visits Jeb Stuart for a hand job.

That's it. Nice and slow.

The tank has come to Stuart because Stuart and the tank need to rescue Stuart's great grandson Scotty. He's been taken hostage in Afghanistan and is going to be executed. The tank cannot allow the Stuart bloodline to end. Why? Because who is it going to speak with when all the Stuarts are gone? It'll just be like every other Haunted Tank that nobody knows is Haunted because all of its relatives are dead and it has no purpose anymore.

Just before Scott Stuart gets a bullet in his head, Jeb and the Haunted Tank appear in the cave! Five pages of the Haunted Tank karate kicking Afghani freedom fighters (or terrorists. Depends on whichever the side the person reading this is on) in the crotch and crane kicking them in the face and double back flips and punching shards of bone into brains, the rescue is complete!

Boo! Scared ya, didn't I?

So that's it for The Haunted Tank this month. Basically it's just another fucking modern day war story. The brown guys have some white guys captured and since our politicians have built up this terror war in the minds of everyone, nobody needs any real motives in the comic. "Look! It's brown guys with guns on white guys! The brown guys must be terrorists and need to be crushed under the tracks of a two ton tank!" I guess that's why the next story, Unknown Soldier, is trying a whole different tactic in its storytelling. "Look at the twist we've made! The terrorists in our story are white! Of course they've been trained and brainwashed by the brown guys. But just think how scary it is when you can't profile the bad guys! That's scarier than a Haunted Tank any day!"

The Unknown Soldier story begins in a burned out section of Detroit. Isn't that redundant? HA HA!

I'd apologize to my Detroit readers but nobody in Detroit can read. HA HA! Burned! Oh wait! That's redundant! HA HA!

No, no. Seriously. I kid because I love. I LOVE TO KID ABOUT DETROIT! HA HA!

The Unknown Soldier is checking out a lead on a Super Patriot Group that believes the Government is run by Satan. Or something. So far, it's just the Unknown Soldier in a disguise selling arms to this group. Lots and lots of standing around and talking. I bet after they get done talking, there will be lots and lots of people dying!

While the Unknown Soldier is speaking with these armed nuts, he calls Detriot "D-Troit." That's in his speech bubble. But they sound exactly the same! So is he actually saying to these men, "D Dash Troit"?

The Unknown Soldier treats the entire arms deal like a big joke which makes the buyers suspicious and nervous. And I think that was the point. I think the Unknown Soldier just baited these guys into drawing their guns so he could kill them all! He's a loose cannon that loves to, well, whatever loose cannons love to do. Fall off their mounts? Sleep around with other cannons?

This loose cannon simply explodes in their faces!

The Unknown Soldier kills everyone but the main guy who ends up telling him nothing more than "A Revolution is coming" before a nearby Reaper Drone is hacked and it blows the area to hell. Now what was an armed Reaper Drone doing flying over Detroit?

That was a rhetorical question! See my Detroit jokes above!

Anyway, I lost interest in the whole Unknown Soldier story a long time ago. At least this comic only has two more issues to go. I hope The Unknown Soldier can root out the revolutionary elements in America and make the country safe for a fascist takeover by our well armed government to do as they please! What a hero!

G.I. Combat #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. It loses one ranking because the Unknown Soldier story is boring and predictable. It loses another ranking because now I wish the Haunted Tank really did know karate.

Earth 2 #5

Holy fuck. Grundy is a God? Why wasn't he leading The Legion of Doom? I guess his trouble with the English language always held him back.

Last issue, The Atom had just squashed Solomon Grundy beneath his feet. From the looks of the cover, I'm guessing that squashing didn't quite take. The Atom was also in the middle of arresting Hawkgirl by manhandling her with his giant potato paws. And then the Zero Issue interrupted all of that with that stupid Mr. 8 jerk. What a dumb name, Mr. 8! I wonder if he confronts people and goes, "I oned it! You twoed it! I threed it! You foured it! I fived it! You sixed it! I sevened it! You ate it! MISTER EIGHT IT, THAT IS!"

This issue begins with the rescue of the president, a woman named Lightfoot. It's possible she's a hobbit. Or a halfling. Or a kender. She's rescued by a couple of guys in scuba suits with an emblem on their chests that looks a bit like the Canadian flag on a caffeine high. Although that's just a guess as it's only seen in one panel and it's mostly obscured in that one. Anyway, they manage to grab her and dematerialize before Grundy's rotting roots desiccate them.

The American flags in the Oval Office have a red stripe touching the bottom of the blue field of stars. So that's either one of the differences between Earth One and Earth Two or it's just a mistake. Or maybe it's not one of the differences at all since the last comic which took place on Earth One and had an American flag in it, it also had a red stripe touching the star field. But I forget which comic that was. Stupid artists better get on the Goddamned research wagon! I was also just rereading Chis Ware's Jimmy Corrigan and when he takes part in the human flag at the Chicago World's Fair, the kids have the colors wrong there as well. But that can be explained away in the story as an idiot organizer that didn't know any better and gave out the wrong costumes to the wrong lines of children.
Also, fuck that Jimmy Corrigan is a good book. But fuck is it depressing. Depressing as playing Call of Duty by yourself while getting fucking wasted depressing. Although that actually isn't very depressing! Especially if you talk in a high pitched voice and call yourself Madison. But don't do that since Madison is MY high-pitch voiced boy's name!

Oh yeah! I forgot about The Sandman. Oh! And Hourman too! I wonder if he'll be all cracked out on his pills?

The World Army stiffs consider nuking DC to end the threat since all vegetation on Earth is dying due to Grundy (they may be dropping the Solomon on his name which would be too bad. Don't worry, Grundy! I'll keep calling you Solomon!). But the guy in charge, KAHN!, wants to wait and see what the new wonders will do. "Wonder" is the fancy term on Earth 2 for "super hero." And by fancy I mean retarded. Unless that's offensive and then I mean gay.

While they're watching, they witness the ending of Earth 2 Issue Four. Time to celebrate now that The Atom has saved the day!

That's a hate crime, right? He called him "gentleman" and then punched him.

The Flash knocks The Atom down with some super fast face kicking footwork, freeing Kendra the Hawkgirl. The Atom's "Plan B" is to begin whining at them because he was just doing his job and how dare they not go peacefully now that the gray man is dead. And then the grey man decides he isn't dead at all and gigantic roots begin grabbing at The Atom looking for sexy orifices.

Grundy takes down The Atom and covers him in vines. By draining The Atom's nuclear energy, Grundy has now accelerated the decay of the Earth and the World Council begins to panic. They send in the Smartest Man on Earth Two to save the day! Um, that would be Mr. 8. Whenever I type Mr. 8, it just looks like I'm forgetting to finish an emoticon. Here's my Alice Cooper Emoticon:

=8=[

Green Lantern comes back to smash Grundy into powder. But he knows Grundy will just reform again. So he suddenly pulls a plan out of his ass. Maybe his ring told him what to do. Or maybe Earth itself explained it to him. I mean, Earth 2. What he decides to do is meditate and then travel along his silver cord deep into the Green. So deep that he'll end up in the Grey. Or the Gray. Whatever. But to do this, he'll have to leave his body at Grundy's mercy. That's where the rest of the Justice Society comes in! They need to protect Alan Scott while he gets his New Age on.

Once inside the Grey, Alan Scott finds he can communicate with it. He asks it how to stop its avatar. What a chump! "Hey, Grey? You know how you're destroying the world? How do I stop that?" Luckily the Gray isn't completely stupid like you might expect after hearing its Avatar try to hold an intelligible conversation. It tells Alan Scott, "You're going to fail and there's no hope and, you know, how about joining us since you're going to lose anyway? Maybe this will convince you:"

It would be more convincing if he were naked. And not covered in cobwebs and fungus.

While The Last Temptation of Alan Scott goes on in The Grey, Terry Sloan has launched a nuclear strike on DC. And Hawkgirl, Flash, and The Atom continue to fight Grundy to a stalemate. Everybody is waiting on Green Lantern to return and save the day. But he's kind of busy right now.

Hee hee. I bet "Endgame" is a euphemism for gay sex. I think this comic is a fundamentalist morality play: The Earth will die if Green Lantern (as Jesus) has gay sex!

Earth 2 #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Look at how generous I'm being with the rankings in October! My brain chemicals must be all fucked up from all of the potential Halloween Candy I'm thinking about eating. Is that how that works? I think so! I'm so excited to eat bags and bags and bags of chocolate and sour things!