Swamp Thing #17

Look at Killer Croc! I've never seen Killer Croc look like that never ever never ever! Yanick Paquette is not afraid to step outside the boundaries of the box, dousing them with gasoline as he goes and torching the fuck out of convention.

This issue begins with Alec Holland mentioning how John Constantine once told him about a curse called "The Waking Nightmare." Remember that curse? That's the curse Dream placed on the guy that captured Dream accidentally while trying to capture Death and then kept Dream bottled up for nearly a century. It might also be fitting because this entire crossover has got to be some kind of nightmare, right?

Before I really get into spoiling the fuck out of this comic book, let's revisit one of my old standard rants about the quality of DC that I've nearly given up on.

Shame on you, editors Chris Conroy and Matt Idelson. First page and you already break me out of the mood by missing a dropped word in the last speech bubble. I can't even blame the Letterer for shit like this because DC's editors have been so awful at their jobs.

This is the first time in a long time that I've pointed out an editorial problem. Mostly they don't bother me that much (unless they're on every single page of The Ravagers, every month) and pointing them out just ruins the flow of my commentary. But this commentary hasn't even started, so I thought I'd remind everyone that DC's editors don't care about editing the language. It seems they only want to make sure that Animal Man is using his dominant hand or that Swamp Thing has the right amount of booby leaves.

One thing I will say about this first page: the art is blowing me away. It's got clear, bold lines, fantastic color, and just the right amount of stylistic oddity and asymmetry that I really love. Although after this first page, it sort of falls apart a bit. Oh well. Now let's hurry up and find out what happens!

Buddy Baker is the first of the two heroes to realize what must be done. They can't waste time not killing the monsters that were their loved ones. The longer they waste, the greater the chance that Arcane wins. So Buddy kills his monster baby girl.

I assure you that is Maxine's sloppy head.

Now if Alec can just pull himself together to kill the flock of brainless Abby clones. The main thing the heroes need to do is to get the Bat Bot into the atmosphere so it can cause the Miracle Gro rain. They have a fucking Green Lantern, so I don't know what the problem is. Instead of using the Green Lantern Ring to lift it up, Frankenstein clears the way so that Steel can plug his cock into it and blast it into the sky. But while he's robot fucking the Bat Bot, Arcane comes up behind him and kills him mid-thrust. The Bot takes off with Arcane astride it. Animal Man and Swamp Thing fly on board as well and battle him to keep the Bot from exploding too soon.

As you can see, they successfully repel Anton and Swamp Thing rides the Bot into the atmosphere. But I'm concerned they took too many pages fighting Anton for this to be the end of Rotworld, dammit!

The Batman Brand Miracle Gro does its job and liquifies all of the Rotlings. Arcane manages to escape into his castle, pursued by Alec and Buddy. But they can't get to him in time and he dives into a portal in the floor. A portal similar to the portal he used to enter The Grey when this whole thing began.

Buddy and Alec feel like they've lost even though they defeated Arcane. But Arcane wants to win completely. The Parliament of the Rot appears to Alec and Buddy to apologize for picking such an asshole as their avatar. The Rot and The Green and The Red all need to maintain a semblance of balance for each of them to exist. And Arcane's fucked up world will eventually mean the end of even The Rot if all life is snuffed out. So the Parliament of the Rot decide it's time to interfere and help the good guys.

Is it time to travel back to the beginning?

The Parliament warns that they only have the ability to send them back this one time. Although once they go back and relive it and encounter the Parliament of the Rot again, won't it be, once again, the first time for the Parliament of the Rot? I guess since they keep saying "the timelessness of death," that means the Parliament of the Rot exist outside of time somehow. Which is why Arcane can go back in time to try it all over again and the Parliament can send Buddy and Alec back to try to win much quicker next time. You know, before the world is destroyed. So Swamp Thing and Animal Man and the DCnU get a do over!

Swamp Thing #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really thought this was going to be the end. But by really thinking it was going to be the end, I knew that it wasn't going to be the end. If you get what I'm saying! Every time I believe I'm reading the last issue of a crossover or a monthly title, I always end up being wrong. So now Rotworld finishes up in Issues #18 of both Animal Man and Swamp Thing. Damn it.

Animal Man #17

Does Animal Man constantly manifest a horse's dick? No wait! An elephant's! Hmm. How big is a giraffe penis?

I can't believe people make fun of Aquaman when there is a perfectly crappy hero to make fun of over here in Animal Man! At least Aquaman can speak with fish! That's a super useful power! Especially when you want to find Spanish Dubloons or other Spanish Dubloons. Is that considered money laundering? The Spanish steal all the wealth from the natives of the Americas to ship back to Spain. Then their ships sink. Centuries later, treasure hunters pull it up from the bottom of the sea free and clear of the taint of being stolen goods!

But getting back to pointing out Animal Man's flaws, his power is stupid! His power is so dumb that he could only be made interesting by making him realize he was in a comic book where he meets his maker, Grant Morrison. Well, not maker. His then current writer. Why would Animal Man want to meet his actual maker, Dave Wood? That asshole gave him a stupid costume and powers to match! "Look at me! I can be as quiet as a mouse! As long as there are mice nearby!" Of course there are always mice nearby so that's not a problem! But what if he wanted to be as strong as an ox?! Animal Man should have toured the country in a traveling zoo so he always had a bunch of powers at the ready.

I guess Animal Man isn't as horrible as he when he began his career. Now he can actually become partial animals whenever he needs their powers whether they're nearby or not. And I think he can be more than one at a time! So he can grow the fangs and poison sacs of a Cobra while busting a scorpion's tail out of his ass and zipping about on the feet of a cheetah. Unless I just made all of that stuff up. Maybe he can only be one animal at a time. And he might not be able to be insects. I forget. Or I never knew. One of those.

In Rotworld, Buddy Baker was finally making an assault on Anton Arcane's fortress while Swamp Thing was assaulting the other side. First they had to get past RJL (Rotted Justice League! Why did I use initials when I had to explain them anyway? What a waste of space!). But even if they defeat him, what will that accomplish? Maybe killing him in Rotworld will break his hold on Buddy and Alec which will allow them to wake up in The Gray where they've been caught in a fugue state for about five New 52 Real Minutes. Then they'll escape, defeat the real Anton Arcane in the swamps of Louisiana, and live happily ever after knowing their comic book sales are just mediocre enough to keep them from being canceled.

Buddy assesses the situation and comes up with a plan after Black Orchid tells him the plan: take out The Rot Flash! Baker takes on the power of maggots and cockroaches and ants which gives him the speed to overtake The Rot Flash. I guess those creatures are fast for their size.

Now use the power of the crocodile to eat him so he doesn't regenerate!

While Baker and his crew battle The Rot Flash and Wonder Rotten Woman and Rotborg, Swamp Thing and his band of Robins are battling SuperRotman and The Rotling Riddler. I wonder if The Rotling Riddler left clues for Swamp Thing. "Blarrggg SSSSSSS RRAAHRG?" SuperRotman shouldn't be much of a problem though because Swamp Thing has a Rot-killing Miracle Pro formula with a secret Kryptonian-killing ingredient. Here's a Rotling Riddler hint as to what it is: it's ten letters long and begins with the letter "K"! And it's not the Ku Klux Klan! Although they'd probably be pretty interested in killing Kryptonians especially if they found they were taking all the good journalist jobs.

I would read a monthly comic book starring this version of Superman.

I'd especially want to read this version of Superman's Clark Kent. Would SuperRotman still feel the need to go to work?

Perry White: "GODDAMMIT CLARK! WHERE ARE THOSE PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN YOU PROMISED?"
Clark Kent: "Raarrrrrghhhhh! *spit* Blarrgle SSSSSSSSSSS!"
Perry White: "YOU GET ME EVIDENCE OF THAT GODDAMNED NO GOOD WALL WALKING BEATNIK OR YOU'RE FIRED!"
Clark Kent: "FLARGLE DARG GRRRRAAAARRRGH!"
Jimmy Olsen: "Hey Perry! I take the fucking pictuers, you asshole! Are you trying to bring the union down around your fucking testicles?"
Perry White: "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! I THINK I'M HAVING A GODDAMNED STROKE! WHERE'S MY WHISKEY? GET ME A CIGAR! AND THEN CALL AN AMBULANCE! IF I DIE, PROMISE ME YOU'LL EXPOSE THAT CRIMINAL SPIDERMAN FOR THE FRAUD HE IS!"

Apparently Superman is going to be more trouble than I expected. As if he's all powerful or something.

At least the Suicide Squad and Bat Villains are easy pickings.

Swamp Thing comes up with a new plan to defeat Superman that makes complete sense because this is a comic book that doesn't make sense. The sun will destroy Superman! So he needs Mr. Freeze to freeze the clouds so that they'll fall out of the sky or something. But Mr. Freeze is too busy fighting Amanda Waller to give a shit about Swamp Thing's plan. And then he's too busy noticing his dead wife Nora to care about Swamp Thing's plan. And then he's too busy getting his entrails strewn across the ground by his ex-dead-wife Nora to care about Swamp Thing's plan. And then he's simply too dead to care about caring about Swamp Thing's plan. So Manbatgirl has to pick up Mr. Freeze's gun. She blasts the cloud while singing, "Let the sun shine in! Face it with a grin! Smilers never lose and frowners never win!" The cloud disintegrates and Superman explodes.

See? Just like I said! Which means I didn't need to scan this!

Even though Animal Man has a Green Lantern (admittedly, he is just a plant with a power ring. That doesn't sound very scary) and an army of Frankensteins, his forces are having a tough time gaining any ground. Animal Man needs to meet up with Swamp Thing but he'd feel too guilty leaving his comrades to get slaughtered. But that's when The Shepherd and all of the dog-headed angels of The Red show up to help with the fight. Now Buddy Baker can slither off to help Swamp Thing seed the clouds with the Miracle Gro Formula inside the gigantic Batbot. Once that's done, the rain will cleanse the world of Rotlings!

I don't know why Frankenstein couldn't just drop one of those Organic Nuclear Bombs he used in his own series months ago. Why do things always have to be more complicated than they really are?

Swamp Thing ends Ann Nocenti's reign of terror.

When buying my comic books today, the people of Excalibur Comics forgot to put Katana #1 in my pull box. So I said, "Were you guys just trying to save me from the pain of this comic book?" The clerk (not Peter or Debbie. The other guy!) said, "I don't know. I haven't read it yet." So I said, "I just haven't been much of a fan of Ann Nocenti's New 52 stuff." And the clerk said, low and under his breath (possibly to not offend the other nerds in line!), "I know, right?"

"Man, this comic book is way totes awesome!" says the thirteen year old girl living in my heart.

That last sentence made me think of this story! Not the little girl part but the part where I said "heart"! When I was in elementary school and I first began hearing the term "hard on", I didn't know if people were saying "heart on" or "hard on". It bothered me because I didn't want people to think I didn't know what I was talking about because you don't want to be the lone guy that doesn't understand any of the sex talk that's been going around! But I didn't worry for long because I figured if I couldn't tell the difference, nobody listening to me would probably be able to tell if I were saying it correctly or not! And it wasn't like I was writing notes about my hard ons! Or, um, heart ons?

Since I'm scanning all of the deaths of the RJL, here's the next one to go down.

Hey Beast Boy? How about a little help? Dinosaur > wise-cracking hawk.

The only Justice League member left is Wonder Woman and she's busy taking Frankenstein and Black Orchid apart. Aquaman never even made it to this battle because he was easily killed by a scuba-gear covered child with severe chlorophyll allergies. Buddy Baker's new plan (he's coming up with a lot of them!) is for Medphyll the Plant Green Lantern to destroy Wonder Woman. But he gets his plant head cut off immediately after that. Normally that would completely suck. But being that the ring and not the body is the important part of the Green Lantern, there is still hope! All the ring has to do is find a new host that can resist masturbation!

Come on! Tell me you didn't mess up your underwear just a little bit after reading that!

I <3 Frankenstein Green Lantern! (That's not a heart emoticon. That's an ass wearing a dunce cap)

Once the RJL are destroyed, Buddy Baker heads over to help Swamp Thing toss the Batman Approved Miracle Gro into the air and begin the rain of destruction. But before they can put that final plan into action, Anton Arcane sends out two last warriors for them to battle.

Or would that be considered five?

Animal Man #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. Great looking art for the terrifically well-executed penultimate chapter of Rotworld. How is the whole alternate Earth part of the crossover going to end? I don't know but I'm sure it'll be a dream of some sort. But who cares? I think what the DCnU needs are more dream realities where anything can happen. I don't care if the "real DCnU" comes back at the end of the story. I just want to enjoy these stories that just blow the expected limits out of the water.

Swamp Thing #13

Shouldn't Deadman be some kind of harbinger of The Rot? Or is there a spirit realm called The Silver or The Gold?

Swampy's turn to realize just how badly he and Buddy Baker fucked up by being lured into The Rot's Dungeon of Doom for just a few minutes. The Earth has been destroyed by The Rot and only a small oasis known as The Red Kingdom survives. Since this comic book is called "The Green Kingdom," I should probably update that statement to say two small oases survive. But I don't know that for sure yet! Maybe The Green Kingdom refers to Poison Ivy's womb. Or Deadman's anus. Why not? Look at Swamp Thing's look on the cover! That's a "You've got to be joking" look if I ever saw one.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy looking super fantastic.

Deadman is also looking at his best here. I've become a huge fan of Yanick Paquette on this title.

I don't know why Deadman is traveling with Poison Ivy. Perhaps Justice League Dark are some of the few people to have survived in Rotworld so they're splitting their members amongst the remaining bands of survivors. Constantine and Black Orchid with The Red and Deadman and Zatanna hanging out with The Green.

During his interrogation, Swamp Thing learns that a full year has passed since entering The Rot and that the world has become one gigantic pile of cancerous shit. Deadman and Ivy are as amazed as Steel, Black Orchid, and Beast Boy that Alec Holland and Buddy Baker still live. But it's too late to do anything, right? Better just to let Abby Arcane fix things in real time.

One year earlier, Abigail Arcane is also looking super fantastic.

The most attractive thing about her is that she just looks so fucking comfortable in those clothes.

While Abby's lost in thoughts of the home of her youth, black ooze streams out of the airplane's restroom and enters into an old man. Isn't that the opposite of how that usually goes?

In Rotworld, bathrooms foul you! Ah ha ha ha!

Back in Rotworld, Swamp Thing makes his way to The Green Kingdom hidden above the Earth at the top of a large stalk. The Parliament of Trees still live and they explain how Anton destroyed the world while Swamp Thing and Animal Man were away. Only beings with a connection to The Red or The Green could be saved. And maybe a few exceptions like Steel who made himself into a robot to avoid rotting and John Constantine who can't be killed due to some deal he made when saving himself from lung cancer. Or just because he's simply too cool to kill.

I like how Rotworld is giving the reader glimpses of other DC Characters that have yet to make an appearance in The New 52. Even if they're dead like Giganta here.

Swamp Thing asks about Abby Arcane but before the Parliament can answer (unless silence is their answer), a rumble shakes The Green. The bottom of the stalk is being attacked. Poison Ivy, Deadman, and their army of fake Swamp Things head down to defend. The Rot has sent some of its transformed heroes to do the job. But this time the real Swamp Thing is here to beat them back.

Rotworld has to be some kind of alternate timeline because Red Robin doesn't look anything like Harvest here!

During the fight, Swamp Thing takes off Kid Flash's head and Poison Ivy throws a wooden sword through Red Robin's face. But since they're Rotten versions of themselves, I don't think those wounds matter. I'm still not sure how anyone is supposed to destroy The Rot! Perhaps compost it and use it as nutrients for creatures of The Red and The Green? I think the only way to kill The Rot is to eat it! Oh, unless you're an Agent of SHADE. Then you have some kind of organic destroying mega bomb. That seemed to work.

During the battle (which will apparently conclude in Issue #14 as Swamp Thing faces off against Rotten Superboy), the Parliament of Trees discuss whether they should tell Alec what happened to Abby one year ago. They believe she died trying to return home to stop The Rot before the war could even start. But The Rot took over everyone on the plane she was on. And since The Rot began in Europe, this must be the moment Anton Arcane's war began. But did Abby really die? Yeah, probably not.

I have a feeling Anton Arcane's real trap was not having time advance by one year but the creation of this Rotworld simulation that is meant to distract Buddy and Alec from helping out in the real world. He's playing mind games with them by making them believe even their loved ones have died. But in the meantime, their loved ones are fighting to stop the world from falling apart. They'll probably need to enter Rotworld themselves at some point to pull Buddy and Alec out of it so that Buddy and Alec can save the world. Part of that will be Ellen tracking down Frankenstein so that he can help them enter Rotworld because Justice League Dark mentioned she would have to find the Green One and they didn't mean Swamp Thing. I think Abby will be able to get into Rotworld on her own since she was meant to be their Avatar anyway.

Swamp Thing #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. Thankfully, Rotworld is off to a really good start. One year into The New 52 and I've had it with continuity and world building! Let these writers and their stories off the leash! The thing I like so far about Rotworld is that anything can happen here. Fuck you, Jonni DC! Snyder and Lemire are gonna fuck some shit up. And then we'll find it's all a dream or a simulation or a hallucination. But that's okay. I'm just here for the shit that's going to get fucked up.