The Man of Steel #2

"Happy birthday, son! We got you an alienating back story!"

Over the years, I've had a lot of responses to my comic book reviews. While a few of them were "Why do you hate my I mean Cullen Bunn's writing so much?", most of them were a version of "So I just finished your review and I was wondering what you really think of the comic book." This has always intrigued me. Why would somebody actually want to know a stranger's opinion on what was almost certainly a shitty comic book? Maybe ten of my four thousand reviews were actually meant to encourage people to read the comic book I was reviewing. Most of the reviews were an experience unto themselves. Whenever somebody would ask what I really thought, I realized that person didn't read the review correctly and probably had a learning disability. I mean, it was a Batman comic book! You already know what 95% of that experience is going to be! And if you need the other five percent to be whether some terrible writer on the Internet liked or disliked it, maybe you've got issues trusting your own judgment.

What's even worse is when people argue with me. There was that one guy who totally wasn't Cullen Bunn or his wife who argued incessantly with my Twat Lobo reviews. He then went on to argue with my Not-Twat Lobo-centric Justice League of America reviews. On a number of occasions, I simply responded, "You don't understand this blog." He would invariably answer, "What's to understand?!" which he probably meant as an insult, right? "Your opinions are so simple-minded and biased! Sorry not sorry!" But I refused to explain the magic trick and instead just continued to boggle at his inability to understand exaggeration for effect and obvious bias disguised as impartial critique.

Not that I should be surprised by that response and then insult their learning disability that I'm sure they've been struggling with for years when the whole point of my reviews is that they're supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews! Did that sound convincing? Do you now believe that it was a purposeful fictional voice created all those years ago? I finally fired my therapist and I'm trying a new strategy to get people to like me. Right now I'm trying "Oh, you thought that was my real personality? Silly!" My previous attempt to get people to like me was to not care if they really thought I believed the horrible things I said. Spoiler alert: they all thought I really believed the things I said and hated me for it!

That last statement isn't entirely true. That one time when some petitioner on the street asked me if I wanted to save the pandas and I said, "I hate pandas," she flirtatiously stuck her tongue out at me and I'm fairly certain I only imagined her mutter "Cunt" from behind my back as I walked on.

"So, um, Man of Steel #2?" you might be asking. "Yeah, yeah!" I say charismatically. "I'm getting to that!" That's the segue into the actual review part (which, as I pointed out so that you don't retain any high expectations, will barely be a review).

These four panels basically explain the premise of the entire series. My review of them? "If I have to read this many words in every panel, I'm going to kill myself publicly."

Let's pretend that Rogol Zaar is Bendis's Mary Sue and Krypton is America so that we can theorize how Bendis is anti-America. Who else is on board with that interpretation? To completely understand it, you might have to remember how Rogol Zaar's reasons for destroying Krypton was that Krypton was a threat to the entire fabric of DC continuity. Just like how Bendis thinks America is a threat to world peace. In Bendis's mind, America must be destroyed if we're to save the rest of the world.

Not that I'm saying I agree with Bendis because I live in America and please don't destroy me but it's a compelling theory, right?!

But that whole Rogol Zaar crap doesn't matter yet! The thing that matters is that Lois Lane an Jon are missing and everybody is all, "Did Clark Kent murder them?" Even Hal Jordan was all, "So, I heard from Oberon that things in the Kent-Lane home aren't so great?" But instead of telling Hal, "Well, maybe I could use the Justice League's help because there was this incident last week where this thing appeared in our kitchen and then I was on the moon and...well, I'll tell you more as the story unravels across six issues. For now, that's all you need to know." Then Hal could have been, "Oh, um, excuse me. I need to be on Planet I'm-Not-Making-Up-This-Name in like a nanosecond. Thanks for whatever!"

I wasn't sure how I felt about Bendis and then I got to this page:

He's the greatest comic book writer of our generation!

Ambush Bug is saying, "Dsagfds! Jgfh hgfdhdfg gfsdd." I guess he can only speak using letters in the home row. In the next panel, he exclaims, "Ljkl!" as he drops the items he's juggling. I guess "Ljkl!" is Homerowese for "FUCK!"

In the galactic bar where Ambush Bug has declared his DC continence (don't argue with me. That wording works better than you think!), Rogol Zaar wanders in to have his once yearly drink. I guess he's been slumbering for thirty something years and only wakes up once a week or something. While there, he sees the symbol of the House of El and learns that there's still a Kryptonian out there. Apparently his rage wasn't that the race of Kryptonians would destroy the universe but that they existed at all. Because he's still super angry about one superman left in the galaxy. His racial animosity flares and, I'm pretty certain, he's planning a trip to Earth. Or what are the other four issues going to be about? Superman looking for Lois and Jon? How much punching will be in that story? Boring!

Maybe Bendis is less the greatest writer of our generation and less angry at America's abuse of power on the world stage and more of a MAGA type. Why are all his homeless people minorities?

I apologize if Bendis isn't as racist as that page might seem. It could also be Doc Shaner or Steve Rude or Alex Sinclair who are the racist ones.

So, um, anyway, Rogol Zaar decides to hop on his space motorcycle in an attempt to be even less like Lobo (that was sarcastic because Lobo rides a space motorcycle and is also black and white and also loves genocide!) so he can zip to Earth and kill Superman.

Rating: My interest is still being held! There's a story here which is better than all of those comic books that don't have a story. The only problem is that the antagonist has been seen before in several different versions and parodies of those versions. And there's always a new version of how and why Krypton was destroyed. But at least Lois Lane has been kidnapped so that's, um, not yet the different thing I was looking for. What about the Daily Planet going under or being sold? No, no. Seen that. Anyway, Ambush Bug made an appearance! That's got to count for at least fifty cents of the cover price!

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The Darkseid War: Green Lantern #1

The Darkseid War: Green Lantern #1 Rating: Look, I'm not purposefully trying to suck Tom King's dick on a regular basis no matter how many times you see me type "I wonder if Tom King would let me suck his dick?" I even forgot he was writing this issue until the credits at the end. But it didn't surprise me when I saw his name because this has been my favorite Darkseid War tie-in comic yet. A lot of Hal's discussion with his younger self about God's not having free will I've discussed in various commentaries when talking about ridiculous characters like Lobdell's space Oracle. But better yet is Hal using his godlike powers to go back in time to give himself the comfort and words he needed. The idea that a person can only find comfort within one's own self is incredibly sad and beautiful. I was touched. This bitter, cynical heart that's probably really just a huge cat turd felt something! And it caught me by surprise when I typed "Instead he uses his powers to comfort himself when he needed that comfort and support" calling back to the earlier mention of poor little Hal needing more than hollow platitudes which is all that religion can ultimately give one who is mourning. Anyway, great tie-in to the series if not a super weird story for the DC Youniverse being that Oa still exists and the Green Lanterns aren't lost. I guess it fits in with Bruce still being Batman and Superman still having powers.

I hate to be one of those guys because I think continuity nitpicking from the fans hampers great storytelling. But sometimes the picking isn't just over a nit. This issue begins with parademons attacking Oa while the Green Lantern Corps battle for their lives. Except Oa was destroyed. And the Green Lantern Corps have gone off to another universe. So this nit has hatched into a fucking elephant that I just can't ignore anymore. I didn't mind when the story made no sense because Superman hadn't lost his powers. I didn't mind that Batman was not a cop in a suit of armor. I didn't even mind that Hal Jordan still happened to be wearing his Green Lantern uniform or that Barry Allen wasn't busy dealing with time travelers. All of that shit can be dealt with by simply deciding this story took place sometime before or after all that other shit was dealt with. But Oa still in existence and Guardians still being alive and the Green Lantern Corps still ineffectively trying to police the entire universe? That's just too much! The Continuity Nerd inside my head just stroked out and is twitching on my brain pan.

Here's my main problem, DC Comics. If you're going to have a story about a cosmic threat that threatens the very existence of the DC Youniverse, it has to be threatening the universe that exists across all of your titles! Otherwise what's the threat here? That the universe in the Justice League book is going to go down in flames but Batgirl will still be running around Burnside trying to catch glimpses of her own ass as she swings past the mirrored windows of skyscrapers? I could accept that if you'd just institute the DC Logo Color Coded Universe system I suggested in Justice League 3001 #4! Maybe the big reveal at the end will be that this Justice League battle versus the Anti-Monitor takes place on one of the infinite other Earths that we've never seen before and it will wind up being destroyed! But one member of this universe will escape into the regular DC Youniverse to become a power mad new threat! Maybe Green Lantern as Parallax? Or maybe introduce this universe's Hawk right before the entire universe is destroyed! He can be raving like a lunatic while incestually fucking the corpse of Dove as the universe disintegrates around him! But the entwined powers of Chaos and Order encase him in a bubble and he's transported to the DC Youniverse where he become Extant, a supervillain desperate to change this universe into a copy of his original! Although they're so similar, he won't have to accomplish much. Rebuild Oa. Reinstate the Green Lantern Corps. Get Superman's powers back. Convince Bruce Wayne to return to Batman duty. Get Shazam to ditch his old gods for some new ones. Maybe repaint a few buildings. Do I need to keep coming up with differences? I'm sure Extant will have a list with him.

Hal receives a message from John Stewart that the parademons have killed all of the Green Lanterns and turned them into parademons too. A Mother Box has merged with the Green Lantern Power Battery which made it suddenly religious and searching for a god. Apparently Hal Jordan has to become that god to restore Oa and the other Green Lanterns and proper continuity! But before Hal jumps up and accepts the offer to be god before the question is even finished being asked, he has to have some memories about religion and shit.

Haven't you heard, moron? God works in mysterious ways! Oh! And he helps those who help themselves! So basically He's given you the blueprints for self-reliance!

God would have helped Martin Jordan if Martin Jordan had only ejected in time and had an operational parachute ready to go and knew how to compose himself in an emergency! Although since God works in mysterious ways, Hal Jordan Sr still might have died even while trying to help himself. And then a lot of self-satisfied smug assholes could have told a poor, lost, emotionally ravaged kid who needs comfort and support that everything happens for a reason.

Hal Jordan expects to defeat one million parademons when the entire Green Lantern Corps couldn't do it. And they didn't have to fight one million parademons plus themselves! But he wouldn't be Hal Jordan if he didn't think he could accomplish what the entire Green Lantern Corps put together couldn't! His bull-headed stubborn streak full of nonsense beliefs is what makes Hal so strong with the ring!

Ahem, I don't mean to "actually" the most powerful weapon in the "world" but shouldn't that actually be "Mother Boxes are the only objects in the universe that can access the energy of The Source"?

Hal puts all of the pieces together and realizes that the Darkseid's poor, lost, emotionally ravaged Mother Box just wants to be the possession of the greatest guy in the galaxy! He's perfect for the job of new God of Evil!

I was with him right up until "the free will He gave us." God is useless. Check! God does nothing. Check! The nothing he does is necessary. Check! I guess. I mean, if He did stuff then He'd prove his existence which would destroy the need for faith which would destroy the need for Himself! Or something. My philosophical chops might not be honed as well as I'd like. That's what happens when the only people you regularly debate anything with are stuffed animals you make speak in funny voices.

God giving mankind free will is one of the funniest jokes God ever pulled! He's all, "Hey! You can do anything you want but if you don't do things the way I want you to, you'll be punished forever!" He's so passive-aggressive! Plus there were a few times where he was all, "You can have free will! Go to it!" Then mankind was all "Woo hoo! I'm gonna do butt stuff!" and "I'm gonna sleep with giants!" and "I'm gonna get drunk and build a giant boat and hallucinate putting every animal ever into it!" And God was all, "No no no! That's too much free will! I'm starting over! Except for that drunk guy and his family. You guys get in that boat and remember who saved your ass. See this rainbow. Fucking remember it, douchebags. You see that, you remember what I can do to you!"

The guy talking to Hal Jordan turns out to be Hal Jordan. I guess? Because he got time travel powers after accepting the Mother Box's offer to be a god? He tells little Hal Jordan to always believe in himself because he's his own god. And he's a much better god than that One that likes to just sit around and watch people like a creeper.

Back on Oa, Hal Jordan turns into the God of Light which is kind of disappointing. I guess when you combine evil with will you get light? I never was very good at this Lantern Light Math.

Green Lantern restores Oa with his new powers because death means nothing in comic books. It's a temporary event to excite a few neurons for a little while (a while that grows shorter and shorter every time comic books use death in this way).

What about the prisoners in the Sciencells? Do they not count?

Once Hal Jordan becomes a god, he doesn't let it destroy his humanity because he's full of mortal will! Instead he uses his powers to comfort himself when he needed that comfort and support. And then he uses his powers to destroy Darkseid's mother box. Everything is back to normal! But while a god, Hal saw that Batman was about to shove the Batchair so far up The Joker's ass that The Joker would never again need to find a place to sit. So Hal heads back to Earth to talk some sense into Batgod.

The Darkseid War: Green Lantern #1 Rating: Look, I'm not purposefully trying to suck Tom King's dick on a regular basis no matter how many times you see me type "I wonder if Tom King would let me suck his dick?" I even forgot he was writing this issue until the credits at the end. But it didn't surprise me when I saw his name because this has been my favorite Darkseid War tie-in comic yet. A lot of Hal's discussion with his younger self about God's not having free will I've discussed in various commentaries when talking about ridiculous characters like Lobdell's space Oracle. But better yet is Hal using his godlike powers to go back in time to give himself the comfort and words he needed. The idea that a person can only find comfort within one's own self is incredibly sad and beautiful. I was touched. This bitter, cynical heart that's probably really just a huge cat turd felt something! And it caught me by surprise when I typed "Instead he uses his powers to comfort himself when he needed that comfort and support" calling back to the earlier mention of poor little Hal needing more than hollow platitudes which is all that religion can ultimately give one who is mourning. Anyway, great tie-in to the series if not a super weird story for the DC Youniverse being that Oa still exists and the Green Lanterns aren't lost. I guess it fits in with Bruce still being Batman and Superman still having powers.