Batwoman #30

If I were a villain in Gotham, I'd choose the name Batasshole because Batman obviously doesn't give a shit about protecting his Batcopyrights.

Last issue ended with Batwoman ambushed by a bunch of C-List villains while she chased Wolf Spider through Arkham. Wolf Spider got away while Batwoman was left to try to remember the names of the mentally ill inmates just released from their cells. They must be mentally ill since instead of trying to escape, they decided to battle Batwoman.

Ah! So much better than freedom!

I hope the battle lasts for the rest of the comic book so I don't have anything to comment on!

Although when the battle isn't very clear, I suppose I have to point at it and yell, "Hey Marc and Jeremy! You guys are sucking up the suck!" Like this next page that made me yell, "Hey Marc and Jeremy! You guys are sucking up the suck!"

I have no idea how she defeats Frat Disaster by touching her wrist clitoris. Oh wait! I think I just figured it out!

If you're not sure why I call this villain "Frat Disaster," I'm not going to explain the really disgusting origin story I've come up with for him. Use your own perverse imagination! Stop grubbing your grubby little mind hands all over mine!

The next person that attacks Batwoman is The Blue Fairy who, as it turns out, is The Green Fairy because you know why. Absinthe! People that currently drink absinthe and think they're fucking crazed poet monsters above the rest of humanity are jerks. Absinthe is simply strong alcohol that tastes like Prell Shampoo. Stop drinking it and pretending you're hallucinating Olivia Newton John roller skating out of Kubla Khan's asshole. If it ever did fuck with a person's mind in a way different than the way alcohol alone fucks with a person's mind, it was probably back when it was drunk by people filled with syphilitic spirochetes. It isn't anymore (or very rarely is, anyway!) so stop pretending it's any different than drinking grain alcohol or your grandmother's perfume.

I was unsure how she defeated Frat Disaster but I definitely know how she defeats The Green Fairy!

By shoving a handful of Frat Disaster's sticky coating in her face! Eww!

After The Green Fairy, Batwoman faces El Cucaracha. And we're back to me not understanding how she defeats him. I think she throws a couple of insect Viagra at the cockroaches, causing them to all orgasm at the same time. They wind up stuck in the jellied mass, basically becoming the cockroach version of Frat Disaster.

Wolf Spider's plan worked in that he delays Batwoman long enough to get away on spider webbed wings. But it doesn't delay her long enough to keep her from sticking a Bat-Tracker to him. I guess she'll just have to catch him when he goes after the Kane Family Eisenstadtz.

Meanwhile, Maggie Sawyer is served a subpoena in the middle of the night in the middle of the police station. And she can't find a bullshit reason to kill the messenger? Come on! She's surrounded by crooked Gotham cops that wouldn't look twice if she stuffed this subpoena up the ass of the bike messenger that delivered it for a small bag of rocks. The subpoena informs Maggie that her ex-husband is suing her for sole custody of their kid. I'm sure Kate Kane can take care of this, vigilante style!

Batwoman chases Wolf Spider down and confronts him in her father's house. That's where she's lucky to not be shot in the face after being shot in the back.

Wold Spider used your name, Grantham! You have to kill Batwoman now! Idiot!

The issue ends with Team Bad Guys (Grantham and Wolf Spider) and Team Good Gals (Batwoman (unharmed thanks to Batbodyarmor, of course) and Hawkfire) figuring out the puzzle of the shitty paintings. They're maps themselves and they lead to a final location where Wolf Spider and Batwoman should have their last high school reunion.

Batwoman #30 Rating: No change. One thing worth noting that I didn't mention earlier because I couldn't turn it into a joke about large quantities of semen is that Nocturna escaped from Arkham. She'll probably turn up later in a story where Maggie Sawyer's child catches Kate and Nocturna in a compromising position. Then Maggie's daughter will say to her father, "Daddy? What's scissoring?" And then the judge will smash down his gavel and yell, "I declare this girl should be raised by the heterosexual parent!" And then Maggie will slap Kate. And then Kate and Maggie will break-up. And then that judge will later have to make a public apology and explain how he didn't mean the child should go to the father because the father was heterosexual but that he was just explaining which parent the child was going to without judgment! And everybody will go, "A judge without judgment! What a great joke! We forgive you!" Then the judge will wipe the sweat from his brow, thank God for his quick thinking, and then on the way home, wind up beaten to a pulp by a mysterious dark figure with bright red hair. Not because the judge was heterosexual but because he was an asshole.

I think I may have gotten too specific with my speculation! What I meant to say is Batwoman is going to battle Nocturna in a future issue!