This cover's definitely satisfying some kink I don't know exists.
The Doom Patrol #1 (September 2nd, 2026)
By Darcy Van Poelgeest, Niko Henrichon, and Lucas Gattoni
Cover by Ian Bertram
Edited by James Reid, Ben Meares, and Rob Levin
Just like Lobo, Deathstork the Terminator, and Batwoman, I probably won't keep up with Doom Patrol because I can't be bothered to remember to go to the comic book store. But I'll always make time to read a first issue of Doom Patrol. Hell, I should probably buy the first issue of every DC comic. One could do worse than be a buyer of first issues. I think Robert Frost said that. Also every person buying eight copies of every Image first issue in the '90s said that. The only time I said that and it paid off was when I was in Seattle visiting a friend and we stopped at a comic book shop and I went, "Hey! A zombie comic! I'm getting that!" That's the exciting version of my purchase of The Walking Dead #1. I have several more boring versions of it but I thought I'd pack out the best one on this auspicious occasion. The auspicious occasion, in case you weren't paying attention, is me purchasing The Doom Patrol #1.
Calling the purchase of a comic book "auspicious" and my one sentence story about buying The Walking Dead #1 exciting might be saying a few things about my life that I'd rather not let people in on. So let's move on.
I don't think Crazy Jane is in this version of the Doom Patrol so I might not like it as much as some other versions. Rita Farr may be the original lady of the Doom Patrol but she's not on my top ten members of the Doom Patrol list. Some of you might be thinking, "Have there even been ten members of the Doom Patrol?", and I answer, "Have you met Celsius, Karma, Lodestone, Nudge, Grunt, and Scorch?" I'd include Tempest in that group but everybody knows Joshua Clay! You can't wander a comic book convention without running into a Joshua Clay cosplay.
God, I hate the term "cosplay". When did dressing up in fancy dress suddenly need a new term that sounded vaguely sexual?!
This series begins with some Vertigo-esque nonsense that sounds profound in a meta way but it's really just a fancy way of saying, "The Doom Patrol has been cancelled multiple times and always comes back in the same incarnation. Also, it's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing."
By Darcy Van Poelgeest, Niko Henrichon, and Lucas Gattoni
Cover by Ian Bertram
Edited by James Reid, Ben Meares, and Rob Levin
Just like Lobo, Deathstork the Terminator, and Batwoman, I probably won't keep up with Doom Patrol because I can't be bothered to remember to go to the comic book store. But I'll always make time to read a first issue of Doom Patrol. Hell, I should probably buy the first issue of every DC comic. One could do worse than be a buyer of first issues. I think Robert Frost said that. Also every person buying eight copies of every Image first issue in the '90s said that. The only time I said that and it paid off was when I was in Seattle visiting a friend and we stopped at a comic book shop and I went, "Hey! A zombie comic! I'm getting that!" That's the exciting version of my purchase of The Walking Dead #1. I have several more boring versions of it but I thought I'd pack out the best one on this auspicious occasion. The auspicious occasion, in case you weren't paying attention, is me purchasing The Doom Patrol #1.
Calling the purchase of a comic book "auspicious" and my one sentence story about buying The Walking Dead #1 exciting might be saying a few things about my life that I'd rather not let people in on. So let's move on.
I don't think Crazy Jane is in this version of the Doom Patrol so I might not like it as much as some other versions. Rita Farr may be the original lady of the Doom Patrol but she's not on my top ten members of the Doom Patrol list. Some of you might be thinking, "Have there even been ten members of the Doom Patrol?", and I answer, "Have you met Celsius, Karma, Lodestone, Nudge, Grunt, and Scorch?" I'd include Tempest in that group but everybody knows Joshua Clay! You can't wander a comic book convention without running into a Joshua Clay cosplay.
God, I hate the term "cosplay". When did dressing up in fancy dress suddenly need a new term that sounded vaguely sexual?!
This series begins with some Vertigo-esque nonsense that sounds profound in a meta way but it's really just a fancy way of saying, "The Doom Patrol has been cancelled multiple times and always comes back in the same incarnation. Also, it's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing."
"She" is probably Caulder's wife. Or Pandora. Or Rhea Jones. Or just, you know, the DC editor who always cancels the series.
The Caulder stuff was the prologue which according to Book TikTok didn't need to be read because it's not part of the story somehow. The real story begins with The Doom Patrol collecting a dead cat named Milo from the sidewalk and shoving it in a plastic bag. So not the grand start to my so-called auspicious occasion. Luckily the cat was introduced already dead so I can minimize the sadness that's beginning to try to well up in me like a strange woman surprising me while I work and then projecting me into the future where I fall to my doom. That was an allusion to the prologue which you probably didn't read if you're from TikTok. That was an allusion to the thing about Book TikTok not reading prologues. This is me beginning to sound like Gertrude Stein.
The Doom Patrol are on a mission to save a cat which is even more meta shit because we all know about the hero saving the cat rule. Except the Doom Patrol don't save the cat which is an addendum to the rule which shows that the Doom Patrol aren't your typical heroes. It's not that they're failures! When a cat goes missing, it's often due to three things: it's dead; it's locked in a neighbor's basement; or it just found a family it likes way fucking better, you douche. Cats don't just instantly go up trees and get stuck so that a story can use the opportunity to highlight the heroic protagonist. Sometimes they get hit by a car and the hero has to collect it in a grocery bag and do the even more heroic thing of delivering the bad news to the broken-hearted cat's friend. Or get a new cat that looks like the dead cat? That's sometimes a way to go, right?
The Doom Patrol are on a mission to save a cat which is even more meta shit because we all know about the hero saving the cat rule. Except the Doom Patrol don't save the cat which is an addendum to the rule which shows that the Doom Patrol aren't your typical heroes. It's not that they're failures! When a cat goes missing, it's often due to three things: it's dead; it's locked in a neighbor's basement; or it just found a family it likes way fucking better, you douche. Cats don't just instantly go up trees and get stuck so that a story can use the opportunity to highlight the heroic protagonist. Sometimes they get hit by a car and the hero has to collect it in a grocery bag and do the even more heroic thing of delivering the bad news to the broken-hearted cat's friend. Or get a new cat that looks like the dead cat? That's sometimes a way to go, right?
Rita gets it.
Being the Doom Patrol, Rita has access to not just a slush fund to purchase a new cat but also Niles Caulder's nanobot technology which might be able to bring Milo back to life! And it won't have any unintended consequences like that silly Pet Sematary or that time European dude built an incel out of various dead people. I'm sure Milo will return full of vim and vigor and ready to vomit up happy hairballs for another seven or eight years.
I don't know exactly how I feel about this comic so far but having the Doom Patrol work out of a boxy orange '70s van makes me think I'll be hunting down Issue #2 when it comes out. I'm easy to please! Um, sometimes. Ignore all the thousands of comic book reviews that prove the opposite!
I wonder if the van is Danny the Van? It's certainly not an ambulance which means Casey might not exist in this universe. Was the Young Animals universe a completely different universe than the regular old DC Universe?
Turns out, they just go the old fashioned way of tricking a pet lover into believing their pet hasn't died. It's safer than the other ones I mentioned.
I don't know exactly how I feel about this comic so far but having the Doom Patrol work out of a boxy orange '70s van makes me think I'll be hunting down Issue #2 when it comes out. I'm easy to please! Um, sometimes. Ignore all the thousands of comic book reviews that prove the opposite!
I wonder if the van is Danny the Van? It's certainly not an ambulance which means Casey might not exist in this universe. Was the Young Animals universe a completely different universe than the regular old DC Universe?
Turns out, they just go the old fashioned way of tricking a pet lover into believing their pet hasn't died. It's safer than the other ones I mentioned.
Eventually all incarnations of Robotman and the Doom Patrol must learn Caulder is full of crap. This incarnation just suspects it from the start.
Ms. Green, Milo's best friend, is partially blind so I guess that's why the Doom Patrol think they can pull the old cat switcheroo on her. But she'll know this cat isn't Milo! But maybe in her desperate grief, she'll understand that everybody is saving face by pretending this is Milo and she's getting a chance to live in denial a little longer, the way we all live day to day anyway. Every day is just a different version of pretending your dead friend wasn't replaced by a stranger.
Larry delivers the new cat to Ms. Green and takes the opportunity to remove the bandages covering his face. Why? I don't know, exactly. Maybe because he needs some kind of human contact? Maybe because he knows his visage will warp Ms. Green's ability to differentiate cat personalities? Maybe he does it because he's lying to this poor old woman and he wants to be as truthful as possible in some way so he reveals his true self to her?
The old lady believed that Milo had been abducted by aliens which, incidentally, was the premise of my first ever 24 Hour Comic! A comic about my cat Judas having been abducted by aliens which is why he acted the way he did and also why he used to chew on my alien head necklace. Anyway, nobody believed Ms. Green until all the neighborhood cats began screaming, "Oh no! We're being abducted!"
Larry delivers the new cat to Ms. Green and takes the opportunity to remove the bandages covering his face. Why? I don't know, exactly. Maybe because he needs some kind of human contact? Maybe because he knows his visage will warp Ms. Green's ability to differentiate cat personalities? Maybe he does it because he's lying to this poor old woman and he wants to be as truthful as possible in some way so he reveals his true self to her?
The old lady believed that Milo had been abducted by aliens which, incidentally, was the premise of my first ever 24 Hour Comic! A comic about my cat Judas having been abducted by aliens which is why he acted the way he did and also why he used to chew on my alien head necklace. Anyway, nobody believed Ms. Green until all the neighborhood cats began screaming, "Oh no! We're being abducted!"
Coming to Earth to take the cats makes way more sense than anal probes and cattle mutilations.
Larry, being an empathic and depressed sort, refuses to take Ms. Green's reward and also tells her that Milo is dead. Maybe showing Ms. Green his face was some kind of soporific to help her deal with the news of her loss. A slight tranquilizer to help her absorb the revelation. Ultimately, it doesn't matter because Larry needs to leave Ms. Green and Milo II to help defeat the alien that is stealing cats. Unless the Doom Patrol isn't trying to defeat it but bring it to orgasm via digital manipulation and full-self penetration?
This is pornography, right?
The alien comes so hard it squirts pussy cats. In other words, the Doom Patrol save the day and the neighborhood cats! But not my underwear. They completely ruined my underwear. I hope they can find me a new pair the way they found Ms. Green a new Milo.
Larry summons Negative Man to help stop the alien but this time he goes a bit further than just violence: Negative Man goes deeper to find the alien's pain so that it won't come back to them. Which I guess always happens to the Doom Patrol? I don't know. That's the end of the issue. At least for the Doom Patrol.
Niles Caulder gets an epilogue which I think I don't have to read but I will because, well, I actually enjoy reading and respect the material and am not on TikTok at all. In the epilogue, Niles relives the dream of the woman surprising him at work yet again. But this time the woman, Evelyn, asks him for help and he assures her that he will help her even if it means the death of the Doom Patrol. Fucking Niles. He'll do anything even if it means the death of the Doom Patrol. Somebody will be all, "Hey, Niles? Can you pick me up a quart of milk when you're at the store?" And he'll be all, "Yes, yes. Of course. Even if it means the death of the Doom Patrol." And the person will be all, "Whoa, dude. Look. I can get it myself. Don't worry about it, man."
I suspect Evelyn is Niles' kid or something.
The Ranking!
I like the look and I enjoyed the story so, if I can get my lazy ass out of the house next month after learning the day Issue #2 will be on sale, I'll probably try to pick it up. Is that a good enough review? "I'll buy the second issue if I can be bothered." For me, that's the highest praise! That's a five star glowing review!
Larry summons Negative Man to help stop the alien but this time he goes a bit further than just violence: Negative Man goes deeper to find the alien's pain so that it won't come back to them. Which I guess always happens to the Doom Patrol? I don't know. That's the end of the issue. At least for the Doom Patrol.
Niles Caulder gets an epilogue which I think I don't have to read but I will because, well, I actually enjoy reading and respect the material and am not on TikTok at all. In the epilogue, Niles relives the dream of the woman surprising him at work yet again. But this time the woman, Evelyn, asks him for help and he assures her that he will help her even if it means the death of the Doom Patrol. Fucking Niles. He'll do anything even if it means the death of the Doom Patrol. Somebody will be all, "Hey, Niles? Can you pick me up a quart of milk when you're at the store?" And he'll be all, "Yes, yes. Of course. Even if it means the death of the Doom Patrol." And the person will be all, "Whoa, dude. Look. I can get it myself. Don't worry about it, man."
I suspect Evelyn is Niles' kid or something.
The Ranking!
I like the look and I enjoyed the story so, if I can get my lazy ass out of the house next month after learning the day Issue #2 will be on sale, I'll probably try to pick it up. Is that a good enough review? "I'll buy the second issue if I can be bothered." For me, that's the highest praise! That's a five star glowing review!
