Superman #29

Let her kill you, Superman! She's trying to save the world and she doesn't have time to explain!

Last issue ended with Starfire appearing in Metropolis, calling Superman arrogant, and then telling him she's going to fight him to the death if he tries to stop whatever she's doing. Superman says, "Whoa, whoa! Why so harsh, little lady? If you'd just tell me what's going on, we can work together!" And Starfire said, "Eat starbolts, Kryptonian! I don't have time for this!" So my guess is that this issue begins with Starfire and Superman spending far more time fighting than it would have taken for Starfire to explain the problem. But since Scott Lobdell probably didn't even know what the threat was by the time he finished last issue, how could Starfire? But if she and Superman fought for a few more pages, that would give Brett Booth Ed Benes some art to work on while Scott Lobdell figured out the next big Omnithreat to Omnithing.

I hate Scott Lobdell's writing so much. I wish everybody would stop attacking him for being a racist, sexist bigot because they're detracting from his real problem: he can't fucking write. So he just smirks at everybody attacking him for saying stupid shit and believes that nobody likes him because he dares to speak his mind. No, Mr. Lobdell. Nobody likes your writing. It is awful. This situation is so close to Rob Liefeld who believes people hate him because he can't draw feet. Then he draws some feet and Tweets, "Suck it, Hipsters!" Hey Liefeld! It isn't about feet! You can't fucking draw!

Fuck me. I hate myself. Because now I want to read a comic book written by Scott Lobdell and drawn by Rob Liefeld.

Here's why I began my second paragraph saying that I hated Lobdell's writing:

First off, he completely Lobdell's this issue. For those not keeping up with my super entertaining blog because you're a TL;DR monster, "Lobdelling" a comic is where the first page is a full splash of a fairly static image surrounded by Narration Boxes that don't need to be there.

Read those Narration Boxes! READ THEM! What is the point that they're expressing and how do they work to introduce this story? Let's see, Superman has stood in the heart of a sun more than once. First off, does Lobdell know how hot the sun is? It's pretty hot. Hotter than a pizza roll fresh out of the microwave hot! I've seen Superman get punched so hard that he bleeds a little bit. I'm fairly certain the heat from the center of the sun has more kinetic energy than Doomsday's fists. Sure, sure. I'm speculating. But I think it's pretty reasonable speculation!

Moving on, we learn that he's not from around here. Okay! That's a theme we can get behind! He's not from around here. Starfire's not from around here! I see a battle of who fits in better coming up! Next we figure out where he's actually from and learn that you can call him Clark or you can call him Superman but whatever you do, he's still a strange guy from another world.

BLINK. BLINK BLINK BLINK.

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?! At this point in my reading, I still hadn't begun ranting because I thought for sure the next page would introduce Starfire and point out her strangeness to this world too! That would sort of get that two strangers on a train thing going!

That's it! Those are her Narration Boxes. Not a fucking thing to do with Superman's Narration Boxes except to sort of mention she's an alien.

Okay fine. I'm used to Scott Lobdell missing the puck on his first page or two. He always fumbles the fly, drops the pass, knocks himself out in the first round, drives it into the trap, and any other sports related errors that are different but the same as the ones I already typed somehow. Let's see how the action commences if we ignore the stupid fucking Narration Boxes.

Last issue ended like this:

First she has no time for his Kryptonian arrogance.

This issue begins like this:

Now she's here to stop his arrogance!

So Starfire appeared and began blowing things up because she didn't have time for Superman. Now she's here to both stop his arrogance and stop whatever forces have been unleashed tonight and battle Superman if he tries to stop her. I know if the fate of the world were in my hands, I wouldn't want that fucking holier-than-thou bastard Superman helping me to save it! In fact, fighting him as I tried to save the world would be quite the challenge!

So Starfire declares Superman should fuck right the hell off. And Superman, instead of saying, "Hey, what's the problem! I'll help you with it if I can and it doesn't involve hurting kittens," says, "You can't just do whatever you want to save the world, Princess. Just because you're powerful enough to save it quickly, you really should take the time to fill out the right paperwork and make sure the law is on your side." To which Starfire responds inappropriately, "You punch shit all the time!"

Maybe I just haven't given the story enough time to settle. I bet by page four, things will seem a lot more reasonable.

Superman, she doesn't have time to explain, do you think she really has time to fight?

Superman had his cape on at the end of last issue. But now he's used it to wrap up the gang member that had been given Omnipower by some Omniforce. That must have happened between issues. Starfire seems to think the guy is dead. Maybe. Even if the guy is the threat (or his briefcase with the living handle in evidence is), I don't see how time is of the essence or how Superman is at fault. So page four isn't really helping. Although by the end of page four, Superman has frozen Starfire in place with his Icy Cool Breath. Which means we'll get answers on page five because Starfire can't fight! She has to take the time to talk now!

On page five, Superman misremembers what happened last issue. Instead of using his X-ray vision to notice the "glass handle" (that I guess was on a gun and not a briefcase but since so much other shit is different, who knows if I was mistaken or not), he used his super speed to check it out. Now instead of "seeing" that the thing was almost alive, he noticed that "holding it almost felt like it was alive". Instead of speaking with Starfire, all Superman fucking does on page five is misremember the immediate past!

Wrong. When Starfire blew the police station apart, the gang member hid behind a table and Superman kept his cape on.

Lobdell does this all the fucking time. Since he has no idea what the fuck he's writing each month, he just begins the story over any fucking way he pleases. I have no idea how editorial doesn't tell him he can't just change everything that happened on the last few pages of one issue to make them completely different on the first few pages of the next issue. Sure, a full month has gone by and no sane person is going to go back and reread a Scott Lobdell penned comic book. So maybe they won't notice that he just changed everything. But what the fuck are you going to do for the Trade?!

Maybe on page six, Superman will talk with Starfire. Although my guess is she'll break out of the ice by then and Superman will have lost his chance to figure out what's going on as they trade more blows.

Nope. Instead he fights yet another Earth civilian that hates him because he's a powerful alien that arrogantly helps people. Does Lobdell think "arrogantly" is a synonym for "selflessly"?

Has anybody tried to point out to Lobdell that writing Superman is not the same as writing The X-Men? Superman is a beloved figure! Stop turning him into Homo-Superior so that everybody can be frightened that he's going to make them and their children obsolete. He's just this farm boy that wants to help, you know? And guess how much helping he's been doing in his own comic book? None! Or mostly none.

On page seven, Starfire burns the fuck out of the gang member because Superman forgot about her, I guess. It's not surprising! He really is having an awful time with his memory right now.

Starfire points out that the gang member was already dead because he was infested with a Daemonite. Oh no! Not the fucking Daemonites again! I guess that means Helspont is on his way back, right?

Once the cops begin shooting at Starfire because she's an orange freak that killed the guy that was threatening Superman's life, Starfire decides it's time to go find more Daemonites to kill. And Superman decides it's time to go find some Daemonites to save. I bet in the meantime, Sam Lane will sit around in his underwear muttering, "The tower...THE TOWER!"

No, instead it's Cat telling Morgan Edge her website is not for sale. Apparently this is important in the scheme of things somehow. A shitty little gossip site that had a photo of Superman and Wonder Woman kissing is not worth any political intrigue. It's not like they're going to get any other big stories. I really think Cat and Clark should have discussed the sale. They did nothing to get the Superman/Wonder Woman relationship scoop. Before that, they had nothing. So thirteen million dollars because somebody sent them a photo? That's when you fucking sell and then start up a new site. Cat and Clark did nothing to make their site a hit! Fucking idiots.

Superman and Starfire decide to work together. Actually, Superman lets Starfire tag along. What does he need her for? A bunch of Daemonite comic book battle bullshit takes place where Superman is all "You don't have to kill!" and Starfire is all "You're a gullible tool!" And then it's over.

Surprise! The Daemonite threat wasn't a threat! THIS TIME! This issue gave Lobdell a little more time to think up his Helspont Returns to Earth Story.

Back at Lois's apartment, Lois is speaking with somebody telepathically. Except she's speaking out loud so that her boyfriend Jon can hear because she's stupid. I mean new to the power! Then she erases Jon's memory of the Parasite attack because manipulating the memory of a person you love always works out well in the end. Plus I'm pretty sure she still knows Superman's secret identity. This whole "Lois is psychic" subplot is ridiculous! She should at least be using it to publish scandal after scandal every day at the Daily Planet!

And finally, it is revealed that Blackfire is working for Helspont to save her people. I guess she's bound to continue to make the same mistake over and over, isn't she? At this point, it's like somebody going around the neighborhood kidnapping dogs to get the reward money when the posters go up. Everybody knows that if you enslave Tamaran, Blackfire will join up with another group of aliens and do whatever they want to save her people. So you send in some guys in rubber masks to take over, then swoop in after being careful not to wink too much at the guys in the masks. You make a deal with Blackfire that you'll help her planet but first she has to become your slave. It's pathetic!

Superman #29 Rating: Stupid. Irksome. Reading it is like when you're engaging in some physical activity and your butthole begins to itch. Not just around it but way up deep inside like practically the middle of your colon. Except you can at least relieve the butthole itch by jamming the handle of a broom up there. There's no way to fix what Lobdell does to you when you read his stories.