Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Sheriff of Babylon #9

The Review Or Probably Just a Bunch of Blurbs for the Cover
I was wondering if the next fashion trend we could start could be t-shirts with tiny moth holes all over them. Because I'm tired of not looking haute! Speaking of fashion trends that revolve around holes, did you know there was a Def Leppard biopic? I couldn't stop watching it because it was so bad and full of fake band drama! Although I think my favorite part was when Pyromania hit big and the drummer said, "I'm going to buy the fastest Corvette they make!" Ha ha! Subtle! I only saw up until the drummer crashed his Corvette in a Duel-esque battle with another car on the road before I had to go meet an old man about a buffer. That was an hour into the two hour movie. I imagine the last hour revolved around the drummer being depressed because he lost an arm while half the band began trying to force him out and the other half thought he'd be a great draw at the box office. The band with mediocre music played by a one-armed drummer!

I actually took a little time trying to think of an adjective for the music Def Leppard played and I finally settled on "mediocre" even though I think that's giving them the benefit of the doubt. Although I did like that song from Pyromania with the clown.

I wonder why Def Leppard didn't tour with the corpse of Steve Clark on guitar on their Adrenalize tour?

I don't have any blurbs for The Sheriff of Babylon this month because I wrote a bunch of blurb's for Def Leppard's next album and emailed them to their manager. I hope they use "Look up mediocre in the thesaurus and you'll see a picture of Def Leppard!" I know it's a little elementary school but I think it's the best they're going to get.

This is Issue nine of twelve and Sofia, Chris, and Nassir are meeting Jim, the top guy in the American military ops hunting down terrorists (I think! Remember, this comic book is way smarter than me!). He wants to meet them because they're heroes for luring a really bad guy whose name I can't remember into a trap. But that seems kind of premature, right? There are still three more issues to go! That must mean Jim is just as corrupt and they're going to need to shit their pants in from of him next. I mean, make him shit his pants. It'll be totally hilarious, I bet!

Why isn't anybody else talking about how funny this comic book is? Pants shitting. Wives killed in misunderstandings. Cats stealing blasphemous religious icons. Naked ding-dongs! I can't stop cracking up at the things Mitch and Tom come up with!

Oh! I spoke too soon. It turns out they have yet to catch Abu Rahim but I guess they came up with such a good plan that Jim couldn't wait to shake some hands and get his spit all over the op. He practically shows the trio his hard on when he gets out of the limousine, he's so worked up about the plan. I hope Jim doesn't take a bullet in the head when I turn the page because I just might spit my tea all over the keyboard. Man, that would be hysterical.

Ha ha! Oh, Jim! That's some good irony!

I think every advertisement in this book features the Suicide Squad. Was that on purpose? I think that's some kind of advert meta-commentary on the story! Although there was one advertisement for some science fiction comic book that I stopped paying attention to when I saw the writer was Joshua Williamson. Reading Williamson's work is like listening to a Def Leppard album.

While Sofia and Nassir await the arrival of Abu Rahim, they discuss a logical theorem for the existence of God. It falls apart immediately and also in the middle and also at the end because God is made up to explain that which we are currently incapable of understanding. Things exist because other things existed and therefore something must have existed at the start to start the other things from existing. Since something had to start that chain, it must be God! Although nobody ever asks how God came into existence. For some reason, he's allowed to have always existed because it solves their theorem tidily. But why God? Why not, say, matter has always existed? Why is that improbable but some magic being that can do anything somehow makes sense? If I thought they really believed what they were saying, I would be disappointed. But I know they are only joking to pass the time! Ha ha! God! What a laugh!

While things seem to be going not terribly on Sofia and Nassir's end, Chris is having some trouble in the waiting room back at Ops Headquarters. He was seated across from Bob, the man whose men killed Nassir's wife. And, as Chris finds out, the man who was responsible for the death of Chris's trainee that got Chris involved in this entire clusterfudge. He's a smug bastard who probably deserves his own bullet in the head.

Before I finish reading this comic book, I should probably apologize to Def Leppard and their fans. I don't want to go on record saying that they were always horribly mediocre. I can see why people became huge fans after Pyromania. That album has a sound and style that set them apart from other bands at the time. But to follow up with Hysteria? Disappointing. I made a few enemies in high school pointing out how lousy Hysteria was. I think I was supposed to grade it on a curve because the drummer only had the one arm. I was supposed to say things like, "It's shit but when you consider the drummer only has one arm, you have to be impressed by something or other!" But I wasn't impressed. I was just not interested at all.

So, Abu Rahim shows up to the ambush but he decides to come wearing an explosive strapped to his chest. So everybody decides maybe they shouldn't kill him just yet. Maybe they need to chat with him! And I bet while chatting with him, they'll discover some secrets about the horrible things the Americans are doing. Which is a good thing to learn since Chris is ready to put a bullet in Bob in the middle of Ops Headquarters anyway.

In the middle of the story is an advertisement for the first collected edition of The Sheriff of Babylon. This one has a blurb from Warren Ellis so I probably shouldn't make fun of it. I've pissed off some comic book professionals but none of those scared me because they couldn't write a biting insult about my mother that hasn't already been written better by me. But Warren Ellis? I think he might just have me for lunch with a sensible amount of words, all in the right place and everything. Although wouldn't it be flattering to be torn down by the man who created Spider Jerusalem?! Still, I think I'll refrain from pointing out to Tom King that he should use one of my blurbs over one of Warren Ellis's blurbs. I wish I had a Warren Ellis blurb for my blog! I wonder if he'd be angry if I just made one up?

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