Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Flash #3


I don't run as it is. I imagine if I got superspeed, I'd just fucking waste it.

The Commentary!
Anybody who chooses "superspeed" as their super power when asked which super power they'd like to have is probably one of those people who complain how busy they always are and also an asshole. It may make The Flash the most powerful superhero in the DC Universe but what the fuck good is it, really? As it stands, I have the ability to run and sprint. But do I put out the effort when doing my shopping? Fuck no! Would I use it so that I could leave at the last second when I have somewhere to be? No fucking way! Even with superspeed, running would mean exerting effort! I'd rather take my time getting wherever I need to be or just be fucking late. I simply couldn't be bothered with superspeed. I'd never use it! Off the top of my head, the only thing I could see it being useful for is when you need to pee while at the movies. And unless you also pee at superspeed, it isn't really going to help out much there either. And if you pee at superspeed, are you going to have to pay for the cracked and broken porcelain from your powerful jet stream of urine?! Superspeed would be the worst.

Although maybe the time travel component would be fun! Although going back in time to slap your younger self in the face just before they did something stupid would probably get old quick. I'm not my own parent! I'm not responsible for that idiot kid back then! If he wants to ride his banana-seated bike off of the four foot high balcony at the Triton Art Museum and rack his fucking nuts on the frame, what do I care? I have to live with that memory, he can too, the stupid bastard. Maybe I'd go back in time to have sex with my grandmother simply so I could be my own grandfather. That would be cool.

The issue begins with The Flash telling me some shit about his life, as if I were sitting there having a beer with him.


That's some heavy shit to lay on a one year old! "Barry! Barry! Barry! Listen to me! Barry! Do not run into traffic! Barry! He's not listening, Henry! He never listens!" "He can't fucking talk, Nora. Give him a Cheerio."

Barry begins the book with that nonsense so he can follow that up with how he runs in traffic on a daily basis now. I'm trying to think if there's a word for that in writing but all I can come up with is "hacky." Not because it doesn't work to say one thing to point out how that thing is now totally not the thing. But it should probably be done in a believable way and not in this kind of "I was one year old and knew not to run in traffic but now at thirty I do it every day! So silly!"

At the end of the last issue, a "speed force storm" hit Central City and now a whole bunch of people have the same powers as The Flash. And a bunch of them have decided to use the power to rob people. I guess I didn't think of that advantage when I was admonishing people for wanting superspeed. I'm not a dick so I wasn't thinking, "I can steal shit from other people! And do other unsavory things to them and their belongings without them knowing it was me!" I was thinking more like filing quickly or washing dishes fast!

Barry and August are running around catching kids committing crime. Barry is overly concerned with how much August is enjoying busting punks. What I'm learning in this series is that Barry Allen is a fucking control freak. No wonder he's always screwing up the DC Universe in his attempt to make it exactly how he thinks it should be. He needs to learn to let go! Relax and sink into the meaningless of life, Barry! Chill with the rest of us in the abyss! Nothing matters so why bother forcing it to not matter in the way you think it should not matter! You're just worrying over nothing.

Barry and August discover STAR Labs is running a preschool for new Flashes. Flashes are learning to vibrate through walls. They're learning to make tornadoes. They're learning to run fast (but not as fast as The Flash! That would be silly!). They're also probably being forced to sign a register so that Men in Black can come creepily knocking on their kitchen doors when a speed crime is committed. It's total government interference bullshit and they shouldn't stand for it! Fuck the fucking government! What have they ever done for us?! And don't try to list all the things they have done for us because I'll just say, "Pshaw!", and wave your intrusive facts back into the ether where you probably made them up!

If I were The Flash, I would start investigating STAR Labs as the cause of the Speed Force Storm. Forget the Black Holes! Did they have a website and training facility ready less than 24 hours after the storm? They certainly did not! How would STAR Labs have been so prepared for this eventuality unless they knew it was coming? Or caused it by playing scientist! That's better than playing God because you actually use science to get results instead of your imagination or magic spells.

The person in charge of STAR Labs Flash Fit Fitness Center is Dr. Meena Dhawan. She's, of course, a genius. No wait! Excuse me! She's an ├╝ber genius! I guess in a universe where every single character is a genius, you have to start modifying the word "genius" to make new geniuses stand out. Dr. Dhawan has also been granted speed force powers. I guess that's how she built the Fitness Center? And the web page? And set up the hotline? Bah! She's just the kind of asshole I was talking about when I started! She gets speed powers and now she has to do everything at top speed. Fucking show-off.

Meanwhile, Iris continues to investigate the Black Hole.


And by "people," she means "that barn owl Lois Lane's smug face rubbed in Iris's future Pulitzer!"

Wally uses his speed force powers to steal files from the police to help Iris with her story. Iris doesn't get upset because stolen files can just be referred to as "confidential sources."

Barry's boring adventure tracking down speed freaks and teaching them how to control their powers continues. He's so excited about being a speed mentor that he even decides to help out the kids who were committing non-violent crimes earlier that day. But when he gets to Iron Heights, he finds the kids dead and August beat up pretty badly. August reports that a person named Godspeed vibrated into the cell and used the speed force to kill the kids! Oh no! I wonder who Godspeed is! It couldn't be August Heart using bad cop tactics to try to get vengeance for his brother who was killed by The Black Hole years earlier! He doesn't even have a heroic nickname yet! Unless, you know, he finally chose Godspeed!

You know, I hate to even suggest that somebody with a heroic name like August Heart would turn out to be the new villain but this is comic books and there's a reason tropes exist! Because they're easy to write!

On a final note, I wonder how many times Josh Williamson jerked off after thinking up the name Godspeed?

The Review
The Flash is quickly on its way to being the first Rebirth comic book that I don't care about. It's running headlong into Borethefuckouttameville. It can't seem to stop not entertaining me. I've run out of things to say because I'm ready to move along to another comic book!

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